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Sexual Compromise & Support


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I haven’t posted in a long time, but reading some of these posts reaffirms my conclusion that it's pretty important to acknowledge how one feels about the relationship now (and that may include resentment for all the past problems) and make a decision to stay or to go...and if you stay, to figure out a way to be respectful of the other person. 

 

To me this isn’t saying the asexual partner isn’t at fault for anything, it just means continually putting them down (for a now obvious incompatibility with oneself) is detrimental to both people and the relationship.

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20 hours ago, anisotropic said:

Not talking about "the sex thing" when it's continuing to cause a partner pain is not "caring" or "respect" in my book.

 

If it's too uncomfortable to act with caring and respect, leave. Partners are owed caring and respect.

If you have already talked about it and said how you feel, continuing to talk about it and make yourself miserable and uncomfortable for them is not showing a lack of caring or respect. Everyone has a right to go enough, Im not going into a topic anymore, either deal with this is me or dont. 

 

Which, some people need continous talking. Some dont. Some find it impossible to live without, some find it impossible to live with. That is another incompatibility on top of any others. 

 

Im sure many would call my partner a jerk for the fact it takes extensive gentle coaxing to get her to tell me some things. If I was a less patient partner, she would be simply refusing to discuss it. But, sometimes, you are so in your shell uncomfortable you literally cant force yourself to discuss something and will shut down if you try. And any sort of negative response in that case will lead to a deeper hole and it being harder to talk about. Sometimes the only way to get her to say things is to back off, leave it and let her send me a text whenever she is ready. 

 

If at any point I pushed these conversations or got upset for lack of talking, she would shut down on me and probably just not talk about it. But, I dont, we cuddle and I let her dodge and gently remind of the topic after it and she might spend an hour kissing me and trying to distract me enough to forget about it, or tell me multiple long stories, or play with the dogs, or play on her phone, etc. A lot of people would give up and consider it disrespect, I just know that means its hard for her. So I laugh at her jokes, return her kisses, ask about her stories, join in on dog belly rubs, let her read her reddit for a bit and get her to a comfort zone before gently asking again. 

 

That doesnt make her in the wrong for finding communication difficult. I have certain topics I freeze over too. I literally spend 5 minutes in my head trying to force a reply but cant, the anxiety over the topic is so bad. So, I end up dodging out of it. 

 

Sex for many asexuals, especially after years of conflict over sex, becomes a very hard topic. It brings a lot of negative emotions. And the conflict makes those negative emotions become worse and worse. By the time calm talking is put forward in many of these mixed relationships, they have already been yelling and fighting and crying over the mismatch neither can explain. 

 

So, no, I dont find not wanting to discuss it beyond saying they arent comfortable with sex as being a jerk automatically. We dont know what they have been through, what emotions are going on, what thoughts are going in their head or what the discussions have been thus far. We dont know if they have crippling anxiety, if a different approach might open them up, if the sexual partner just cant help getting upset at them for it etc. 

 

That doesnt mean the sexual partner is in the wrong either for wanting to talk... but it does mean its yet another incompatibility. And they may never figure out their communication styles to become able to discuss things that are hard.

 

I doubt most of the people on here would be patient with my partner, but I can. Doesnt make someone a jerk for not communicating the way you want. But it can make you feel really bad, of course. Im pretty sure most of you would hate someone turning their back to you and going on their phone when you bring up a tough topic. I know its a defense mechanism, not lack of caring. 

 

*shrug* I really do default to I think most people dont want to hurt someone they care about. But the way they self-care may have that end result anyway. Its up to if you can find ways to work together or not to make you both happy enough, which there are a lot of ways to be incompatible with someone and if communication and sexual needs are both off, its going to cause a lot of conflict. And I completely understand why it can cause breakups and hurt feelings. Just doesnt make me see the one that cant communicate as a jerk, unless they come in and say "I didnt talk about it cause I just dont care". 

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I dunno is an answer though... I get it a lot. Or "I dont know, you think about things more than I do". I would love a why but I dont often get a why, just a what. "I dont want to" " why?" "I dont know". Jan and Feb have been off sexually cause she hasnt really wanted me. From weekly or multiple times a week mutual sexual activity, consistent flirtation, etc to not really flirting and I feel like im trying to force her if I bring it up. But, ya know what, I dont know is still a valid answer for her to give me. She doesnt know. Its just not a thing of interest atm. 

 

It takes about an hour of gentle coaxing with my partner to get anything. But, if I got offended she turned her back to me, it would be a perma shut down most likely... or at least a long one. And if it is a really hard thing to say, the end of the hour of coaxing isnt talking, its an admission of being unable. Then sometimes weeks later I will get a text message about it (and she acts normal during the time between). Sometimes I have to drop it and leave it as not something willing to tell me yet. It took her two years to open up about one thing. And before our wedding she tested my patience with six weeks of avoidant behavior (not even talking to me much), going out with friends a lot, giving an ex sexual partner more time than I got, etc cause she wouldnt just tell me what was bothering her. So its not all quick turn arounds or what I really want. 

 

And I try her patience cause my freezing doesnt result in talking... it results in dodging out and saying sorry. And maybe later we can talk about it. But, last time she got the I dont know, because I honestly havent worked out why I froze. After no sex for a while, with the last few times feeling off, she asked if I wanted to and I couldnt answer at all. It was weird and I havent yet worked out what caused it. 

 

As I said, many mixed relationships have already pushed to fighting over the topic before calm discussions are a thing. At that point you not only have mixed communication styles, you also have resentment and anger from past talks to deal with. Some of the people who have partners that wont talk, they say things like "I pushed and got angry in the past, I feel bad now I know its asexuality..." or "I thought he was cheating..." etc. Those are issues that make it harder. And the more negative emotions, the harder its gonna be for them. 

 

Of course some people may just not care (in which case, I dont know why they stay). But, I would bet the minority dont care and others just arent able or have already said all they know to say, so dont know what to do. 

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Six weeks of not even wanting to spend time with me is as avoidant as its gotten thus far, yes. But... Im pretty sure most people would react with anger and distrust if a partner suddenly 1) wanted nothing sexual 2) spent 12+ hours alone in a house with someone they have had sexual relations with in the past and 3) spent a total of 6 hours talking to them over the six weeks because they kept getting busy with friends on purpose

 

And an anger reaction in that case would have caused a bigger rift. Calling it disrespect would be false, it was just avoiding from fear. 

 

A month after our wedding she told me what was up. I didnt ask. I just told her it felt like she was not wanting me through that time and she volunteered info at a later date (few weeks after I said that). Wasnt really a resolve thing and there wasnt pressure on her to talk... which is why she talked. Pressure to talk about it would probably have gotten I dunno. 

 

Which my point is..  a lot of people would call my partner a jerk for how she communicates and her need for lack of pressure and closing down if pushed. But she isnt. And it can be as simple as the sexual partner doesnt know how to get their ace to open up, like my partner would not work well with someone who doesnt know how to get her to open up. 

 

26 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

 

This is the problem though. It may not be of interest to the asexual partner, but it's of huge significance to their partner. But the asexual partner doesn't consider that alone is sufficient reason for it to be of significance to them too. That is the problem.

You cant force someone to find it significant. If your partner is hurting because of who you are and what you dont care about, you can feel bad about that. But, that doesnt always translate into talking for people, especially if you cant offer a solution. Some people hide in themselves when that happens. 

 

Communication and personality conflicts. And a very difficult position to be in. A painful one. But, doesnt always mean the person doesnt care. 

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Frequently (going by posts on AVEN and my own experience) the asexual partner is showing no signs of any existential angst it's frequently claimed they're suffering.

This.

 

But in addition: when I read ace partners stressed about sexual partners' expectations, I'm frequently taken aback by the lack of empathy their sexual partner seems to have. It sounds awful. Clearly there are also a lot of sexuals that are being jerks and worse.

 

So this cuts both ways. I don't think a relationship should be continued when you don't have both partners trying to treat each other with caring and respect (and trusting each other are doing this).

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

'I dunno' (which in context clearly means 'I don't know, and I don't care, and I don't want to talk about it, so I'll say whatever it takes to get you to stop trying', rather than 'I need time to think about it').

Sometimes it actually means “this topic spikes my anxiety so badly that it makes me physically ill, but I’ve found telling you that is met with unpleasantness so I’ll just say what stops it fastest.”

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Some of “acting fine in between discussions” (on either person’s part) may be the contrast between depression and anxiety, too.  For some - perhaps even a lot of - people anxiety results in more activity and more “gotta hide this” fake-it-til-you-make-it behavior, rather than lower energy.  So, if a depressed partner and an anxious partner have a fight/disagreement/unresolved unpleasant conversation, the aftereffect for the depressed person may be an ongoing low mood... whereas for the anxious person it may be a spate of enthusiastic-looking activity.

 

I know I actually look more “off” to depression-prone people around me when I’m *not* stressing about something than I do when I am, because it’s only when I’m not worrying that I can take a breather and lie around doing nothing, sleep in, etc. (things which they do when they’re feeling worse).

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35 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

I don't think a relationship should be continued when you don't have both partners trying to treat each other with caring and respect (and trusting each other are doing this).

Agreed.  I’m just cautious about knowing what not caring looks like in others.

 

To serran’s point, sometimes what the person does(n’t do) even though they care may just not work for their partner.  That’s fine.  It’s okay to end a relationship over incompatibilities.  It’s just not necessarily a lack of caring.

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6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Some of “acting fine in between discussions” (on either person’s part) may be the contrast between depression and anxiety, too.  For some - perhaps even a lot of - people anxiety results in more activity and more “gotta hide this” fake-it-til-you-make-it behavior, rather than lower energy.  So, if a depressed partner and an anxious partner have a fight/disagreement/unresolved unpleasant conversation, the aftereffect for the depressed person may be an ongoing low mood... whereas for the anxious person it may be a spate of enthusiastic-looking activity.

 

I know I actually look more “off” to depression-prone people around me when I’m *not* stressing about something than I do when I am, because it’s only when I’m not worrying that I can take a breather and lie around doing nothing, sleep in, etc. (things which they do when they’re feeling worse).

Then you have the confusing people who are prone to both, so their reactions shift so much its hard to know which one is winning. 

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No one said the partner not being communicated with should suck it up. In fact, said it sucks and hurts and makes sense a communication issue on top of another could lead to a break up. 

 

Im just not going to say someone suffering from crippling anxiety or that has a lot of issues communicating is being a jerk, or doesnt care or respect their partner. I dont know whats going on in their head. 

 

When it comes down to it, most cases both people are probably hurting. And if it cant be worked out, they should go separate ways. But, that doesnt put all the blame on either side. It just means they didnt fit together very well. 

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1 hour ago, Serran said:

Communication and personality conflicts. And a very difficult position to be in. A painful one. But, doesnt always mean the person doesnt care.

I personally disagree with this. If a partner is constantly ignoring the issue or giving non answers like "I dont know", then it shows that they dont care enough to figure out the answer. My another fav non answer "I dont remember", usually used in courtrooms but it is a good way to break promises.

 

Despite how introverted and shy they are, as an adult I would expect them to at least tell me something along the lines of "I dont have an answer now, but I will think about it" or "I am uncomfortable about the topic but will eventually warm up to it (in X amount of time) and get back to you". I commend that you are so patient with your partner but this sort of communication style is usually common between a parent and non verbal/non-communicative toddler. I think your partner is one of those rare persons who "actually" comes back to you and talks about the issue. Most people I have seen, usually ignore it and hope the issue will magically go away (Seriously, who are they kidding?)

 

My ex did this to me so many times, it just turned into manipulation nothing else. I bought all of their excuses, took into consideration their health problems, but yet it made not one small difference. The first time we had a big issue in relationship, I talked to them about how its hurting us, explained why, told them how to resolve it, gave them time to resolve it and made sure they were completely on board. We decided to give it a month's time and I did my part, trusted my partner to do their part. Didn't think I had to check on them after a month because they are fucking adult after all, so never even mentioned it again. I assumed the problem was solved.....until 3 months after I found out that not only did they "not" do what we agreed to do but had deliberately made it a bigger problem. A complete breach of trust. Seriously, if an adult suffers from this kind of terrible communication problem then I rather have 3 kids and raise them as single mom than relationship with one childish adult. (Edit- FYI, my ex and I were romantically and sexually compatible)

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Essentially any relationship that ends because of incompatibilities can be said, from one perspective, to have been a case where at least one party did not care enough to put the other’s pain consistently above their own.

 

Sometime’s that’s because the person is a jerk.  Sometimes it’s because of mental health challenges.  Sometimes it’s just because always sacrificing for another was neither pleasant not successful.

 

Like I said before, though, on an ace-centric site it’s hardly surprising people in general defend the ace partner more often.  That doesn’t mean every single person posting here does, in every situation, but for general “pro-sexual” sympathy other forums are probably more reliable.

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I will just add in a little more about "patience with partners".

 

As I mentioned I am very patient person and don't push people after mentioning it once. I just now thought about it more and I will admit that my patience stems from the fact that I am non confrontational. Just like the partner wants to ignore the issues and hope we both will forget, I too ignore the issue and hope the partner will actually solve the issue (or discuss with me so we can tackle it together). As you can see, what I call patience can be construed as avoidance on my part to solve the issue (and hence they will incorrectly assume that I have forgotten the topic). And it will look like the partner is masking their avoidance by calling it anxiety. After my failed relationship, I have come to believe that unless both partners take active measures in solving the issues, there is a very high chance of the issue becoming a chronic relationship problem.

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I'm not put out that AVEN is naturally inclined to be sympathetic to aces: that is as it should be. I just feel it's important for me to put in my two cents and say that some asexuals might be selfish or avoidant or uncaring -- just like any segment of humanity.

It comes up when a sexual partner comes in ranting about all asexuals based on what their partner does. I'm absolutely inclined to disagree with them! But not by making some blanket statements about asexuals. Instead, I want to say to them: "I think it's just your partner, not all asexuals".

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58 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

…Like I said before, though, on an ace-centric site it’s hardly surprising people in general defend the ace partner more often.  That doesn’t mean every single person posting here does, in every situation, but for general “pro-sexual” sympathy other forums are probably more reliable.

True. Plus, if a post sounds as though it's generalizing all asexuals in a negative way, it might make it more challenging for asexuals to sympathize because it might feel to them as though they're being criticized and looked down upon for being asexual, like a poster's partner, even though they may not even have the same personality traits or behaviors as them.

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Its hard to always judge if someone is showing signs of being upset / anxious if you dont know them well. So us strangers saying oh they are going out and having fun, must not be upset.. well thats what my partner does when upset, if nothing is wrong, shes an extreme introvert and wants to stay home. Being extroverted is a sign something is up. 

 

I find it hard to judge intentions with just hearing a very upset partner express their hurt tainted version of events. There are a million possibilities, the partner has already thought of all the bad ones, the good ones may never have crossed their minds. If looking for oh they are just jerks, leave, then there are a million forums that will give that over a mixed relationship. If you come to an asexual site, I would assume you want to hear from aces why your partner may be acting like they are besides they are being a jerk. 

 

1 hour ago, Chihiro said:

I personally disagree with this. If a partner is constantly ignoring the issue or giving non answers like "I dont know", then it shows that they dont care enough to figure out the answer. My another fav non answer "I dont remember", usually used in courtrooms but it is a good way to break promises.

 

Despite how introverted and shy they are, as an adult I would expect them to at least tell me something along the lines of "I dont have an answer now, but I will think about it" or "I am uncomfortable about the topic but will eventually warm up to it (in X amount of time) and get back to you". I commend that you are so patient with your partner but this sort of communication style is usually common between a parent and non verbal/non-communicative toddler. I think your partner is one of those rare persons who "actually" comes back to you and talks about the issue. Most people I have seen, usually ignore it and hope the issue will magically go away (Seriously, who are they kidding?)

 

My ex did this to me so many times, it just turned into manipulation nothing else. I bought all of their excuses, took into consideration their health problems, but yet it made not one small difference. The first time we had a big issue in relationship, I talked to them about how its hurting us, explained why, told them how to resolve it, gave them time to resolve it and made sure they were completely on board. We decided to give it a month's time and I did my part, trusted my partner to do their part. Didn't think I had to check on them after a month because they are fucking adult after all, so never even mentioned it again. I assumed the problem was solved.....until 3 months after I found out that not only did they "not" do what we agreed to do but had deliberately made it a bigger problem. A complete breach of trust. Seriously, if an adult suffers from this kind of terrible communication problem then I rather have 3 kids and raise them as single mom than relationship with one childish adult. (Edit- FYI, my ex and I were romantically and sexually compatible)

Which is the communication style you personally want in a relationship. It doesnt mean everyone needs it, or different ones are wrong. It means they are wrong for you - so my partner would be incompatible with you, but she is compatible with me. I dont view crippling anxiety and discomfort and the need for someone to be very patient to be able to open up as a negative, or immature, or disrespectful. It is just a thing she struggles with and she needs me to be understanding instead of upset.

 

Some people will deflect and lie and not really care. From what you said about your ex, he was not faithful and not trustworthy. Which are signs it really did come from a dont care much about the relationship thing. But, not everyone has bad intentions, even if their actions end up hurtful for someone they care about. I would say probably most people dont have bad intentions, though most will run into at least one or two that do at some point and you seem to have run into a bad one (based on things you have said in other areas)  

 

*shrug* I work with non-verbal people (special needs) and I have always been the counselor of the friend groups cause I try to not be judgemental. So maybe I am just naturally inclined to work around peoples difficulties than require a certain way of communication and give everyone the benefit of the doubt rather than jump to judge. 

 

Of course, my relationship currently isnt mixed. We both want each other. And in the past I didnt want partners and she didnt want partners. We are both odd in sexuality, romantic needs and communication. We both have trauma backgrounds. We match each others weirdness very well. But..  I think thats one reason I see things more as incompatibility than either side being wrong. There really are people who will match the weirdness if you arent typical in the ways you communicate, or sexuality, etc. You dont have to change it. And being able to just naturally be yourself is so freeing compared to constantly adjusting your nature for someone else. And calling them jerks for being different seems extreme. We dont know why they are different. 

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2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

can see the same tendency in myself, but it does raise the question of why the onus falls on the sexual partner.

Well, that does make sense... if it’s hard to ask for something you want, it’s only that much harder to ask for something you *don’t* want.  In your particular case, you may just have been looking for your partner to say “ugh, I’m sorry, I know this sucks for you,” but other partners want change rather than sympathy.

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People can be wrong *for one another* without actually being wrong/bad/uncaring/jerks.  What works for one person can be nails on a chalkboard for another, and everyone involved may be doing nothing wrong.

 

Conversely, sure, there are plenty of unkind people out there.

 

I just agree with serran that determining which is which, second hand and long-distance especially, is at best challenging.

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2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I honestly don't understand how the same partner can show no signs of any kind of stress about the relationship at all, and at the same time, be too anxious to discuss it, but that seems to be the position that gets claimed quite often.

I can’t speak for everyone but, personally, if I am anxious about certain types of things I go out of my way to hide it and am typically successful.

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10 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

...when AVEN normally bends over backwards and any other direction going not to imply anyone else might be at fault ever, and most sexual partners are already getting their points dismissed by their partners at home, it really does get annoying.

I guess I never felt that AVEN, as a whole, did this (and I used to be really active on the boards). I usually felt that I got helpful insight to what my husband might be going through and also understanding for my perspective. It was really useful to me to realize that the topic could actually be talked to death and no matter how many times I told him how bad I felt, he already knew it and I was just repeatedly making him feel bad about himself.

 

I also had to face the hard truth about sex with an asexual who doesn’t want to have sex. It’s not like doing a chore you find unpleasant. It’s not even comparable to that, and having sex knowing that, wasn’t right for me.

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On 2/9/2019 at 10:34 AM, anisotropic said:

@Peppy please take care not to generalize issues with your own partner to apply to all asexual folks. Many have a lot of caring, empathy, and try their best to make a sexual partner happy. They may force themselves to be having very upsetting sex (this is especially possible for asexual women).

Yeah, and the same applies for sexual people as well. 

There are many posters here who always want to have the last word and seem to forget that emotions on the topic of sex are meaningless to them as it holds no interest.

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11 hours ago, Lady Girl said:

I also had to face the hard truth about sex with an asexual who doesn’t want to have sex. It’s not like doing a chore you find unpleasant. It’s not even comparable to that, and having sex knowing that, wasn’t right for me.

Do you mean, your partner, or all asexuals? (Do you mean "not want" as in "dislikes", or "not want" as in "no interest"?)

My partner has been clear about being willing, given a limited enough frequency and no expectations on him wanting anything. I've expressed a lot of hesitation and guilt after having folks on AVEN describe how unpleasant sex can be for an asexual person (sex-averse). He thought maybe I should stop reading AVEN if it's making me second-guess what he expresses.

On the other hand, I read other aces describe themselves as willing, but fairly apathetic (sex-indifferent) and simply never going to want it themselves.

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I'm not sure this is an Ace moment, but it's funny so i'll say it.

 

So I went out on a date with a trans guy last Wednesday.  We went to a Poetry Open Mic, then back to my house.  No hanky panky.

 

When we get back to my house, he starts talking about what it was like to grow up FTM.  He starts talking about all the boyish things he did growing up, like sports, etc.  

 

"And I had a lot of boy friends," he says.  But he doesn't really pronounce the space in the middle.  So my date sort of pauses, realizing what he just said.  I pause too.  We kind of look at each other.

 

And both burst out laughing.

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On 2/9/2019 at 1:29 AM, Peppy said:

I constantly do the same and why the hell shouldn't we voice how we feel to them. They have absolutely no idea what it's like to have sexual urges that need satisfying and how that makes us feel.  The same as we don't understand what it like to have none so why do we always have to compose ourselves and not say what we feel. They just carry on regardless. Sometimes I think asexual people who have become involved in a relationship with a sexual person are incredibly selfish and self centered and the only person they are really interested in is themselves. 

Peppy, first, you're commenting on a post that is 5 years old, and which is likely outdated as the poster has been on AVEN since then and has talked about their relationship, which has evolved.  Second, you have the right to say what you think about asexual people, but I also have the right to say your thoughts are really inconsiderate and not based on a lot of experience; thus, you might reconsider them.  

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8 hours ago, anisotropic said:

Do you mean, your partner, or all asexuals? (Do you mean "not want" as in "dislikes", or "not want" as in "no interest"?)

My partner has been clear about being willing, given a limited enough frequency and no expectations on him wanting anything. I've expressed a lot of hesitation and guilt after having folks on AVEN describe how unpleasant sex can be for an asexual person (sex-averse). He thought maybe I should stop reading AVEN if it's making me second-guess what he expresses.

On the other hand, I read other aces describe themselves as willing, but fairly apathetic (sex-indifferent) and simply never going to want it themselves.

I meant my partner, who is somewhere between no interest and dislikes (closer to dislikes)...for years he was somewhat interested primarily for my benefit. For me personally, if there’s no interest, I’m not likely to want it from them. An interest in it from my partner was part of the joy of it for me.

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10 hours ago, anisotropic said:

My partner has been clear about being willing, given a limited enough frequency and no expectations on him wanting anything. I've expressed a lot of hesitation and guilt after having folks on AVEN describe how unpleasant sex can be for an asexual person (sex-averse). He thought maybe I should stop reading AVEN if it's making me second-guess what he expresses.

This is important...I should have mentioned that. It doesn’t hurt to confirm that he’s still okay with what you’re doing, but yeah, don’t second guess what he says. 

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40 minutes ago, Lady Girl said:

This is important...I should have mentioned that. It doesn’t hurt to confirm that he’s still okay with what you’re doing, but yeah, don’t second guess what he says. 

Thanks! It's been nearly a year since I asked him about asexuality (after a suggestion from my therapist, who I went to see for gender issues). After a decade and a half together... we wish we'd understood sooner, and I was devastated and grieving for a time, but we seem a lot happier now. I don't know how it'll evolve, but we do it together.

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I somewhat recently figured out that I was asexual or at least gray-a. Still not totally sure in terms of arousal vs. attraction, but for the most part I'm not attracted to anyone and don't have an interest in sex other than to please my partner. 

 

When I talked to him about this, he was happy and felt closer. Today I learned that he has been struggling with this for a bit and just talked about it. He basically "wants to feel wanted" and I don't initiate, because I'm not really thinking about that. I'm not sex repulsed. Indifferent to positive I suppose. Do any sexual partners of asexuals have any insight in navigation? I know everyone is different, but I'd love to hear how you've made things work. 

 

And if you didn't, that's okay too. I love my partner, but I understand that sexual incompatibility can be a big issue, and if we can't work, we can't work. 

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@Kree_kay I think initial positivity/relief quickly gives way to feeling miserable realizing one will never be desired in that way by one's partner...

 

Regarding "want to feel wanted", I try to replace that by asking my partner to make me feel wanted in other ways. And I stopped caring about being attractive to my partner, after my therapist asked me "why do you need to be attractive?" and I couldn't come up with an answer I felt justified it.

 

I'm the initiater, I thought that was a given? but I guess mixed relationships vary. But I have trouble asking for it sometimes. My partner has come to realize how emotionally important sex is for me, and it's something I struggle to accept, because admitting the power this has over my mood makes me feel powerless and irrational, I hate that. He told me making myself miserable wasn't making his life any easier.

 

So... when we are intimate, it feels like an act of trust -- that he won't make me feel ashamed for needing it. having that trust validated affirms my love and bond with him.

 

That's how it works for us these days. I think it took several months to work through the unhappiness. (But we've been together 15 years.)

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12 hours ago, Kree_kay said:

I somewhat recently figured out that I was asexual or at least gray-a. Still not totally sure in terms of arousal vs. attraction, but for the most part I'm not attracted to anyone and don't have an interest in sex other than to please my partner. 

 

When I talked to him about this, he was happy and felt closer. Today I learned that he has been struggling with this for a bit and just talked about it. He basically "wants to feel wanted" and I don't initiate, because I'm not really thinking about that. I'm not sex repulsed. Indifferent to positive I suppose. Do any sexual partners of asexuals have any insight in navigation? I know everyone is different, but I'd love to hear how you've made things work. 

 

And if you didn't, that's okay too. I love my partner, but I understand that sexual incompatibility can be a big issue, and if we can't work, we can't work. 

If you want to have sex with him to keep him happy, then initiating some may help. But, he knows you lack desire so he will likely never feel wanted completely. 

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