Jump to content

Sexual Compromise & Support


Recommended Posts

Does anyone ever just get an overwhelming hatred for sexual everything ?

 

Right now if I could click my fingers and enter a world where sexual desires did not exist, I would. No porn, no sex, everyone would be happy without it and I would lose all sexual feelings upon entering it.  It feels like that is the only world I could actually be fully happy in. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Serran said:

Does anyone ever just get an overwhelming hatred for sexual everything ?

 

Right now if I could click my fingers and enter a world where sexual desires did not exist, I would. No porn, no sex, everyone would be happy without it and I would lose all sexual feelings upon entering it.  It feels like that is the only world I could actually be fully happy in. 

I don't have a 'hatred' for it but looking at all the problems it causes, sometimes I fantasize about how much better the world would be if it all went away. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, starweb said:

I don't have a 'hatred' for it but looking at all the problems it causes, sometimes I fantasize about how much better the world would be if it all went away. 

It honestly would make my life so much easier if it did.. 

 

Right now I cant even watch TV with a sex scene without feeling angry at it. Because the source of my uhappiness is sexual desires. And I just wish it didnt exist. As long as it does, Im never going to feel completely happy. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/27/2018 at 1:25 PM, anisotropic said:

I guess my advice is to be deliberate and communicate a lot. Whether someone is unhappy, and exactly _what_ aspects are leading to that, communication is really vital when partners are having such different experiences with their sexual orientations. 

100% this - I wish my partner would understand though. He just doesn't talk. It's insanely frustrating for me. And when he does talk, it's in language I can't comprehend. So I'm either being touched constantly and not knowing why, or finally getting annoyed and asking why, only to be told "I want you". It just... makes me cringe. #DoNotWant

 

Compromise would be easier if there was some sort of buildup. But without the communication, I have no immunity to ... it. I'm just so tired, sometimes I don't know if it's worth it. Companionship is important to me, even though sexual things are off the table. Part of me wonders if I'm just sticking around out of fear of eternal loneliness. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Serran said:

It honestly would make my life so much easier if it did.. 

 

Right now I cant even watch TV with a sex scene without feeling angry at it. Because the source of my uhappiness is sexual desires. And I just wish it didnt exist. As long as it does, Im never going to feel completely happy. 

It can be horrible. I see a romantic couple walking together, touching - the mutual attraction so obvious.  It hurts - the emptiness I feel. 

 

I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/27/2018 at 9:13 AM, uhtred said:

It is not in any way your "fault", but you may not be able to provide what your partner wants / needs.  Many sexuals need to be *desired*, not just have the physical actions of sex.  "Short and sweet" often doesn't work because they don't want sex to feel like a chore - but rather something that is shared by both. 

 

No fault or blame, but many times there is simply no solution for mixed relationships. 

And something that asexuals don't always think about:  he may not be able to provide what you want/need:  a partner who doesn't want sex.    Sometimes we think the sexual's desires are the "default" -- but the case is that neither of you can give the other what's really wanted.  

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Sally said:

And something that asexuals don't always think about:  he may not be able to provide what you want/need:  a partner who doesn't want sex.    Sometimes we think the sexual's desires are the "default" -- but the case is that neither of you can give the other what's really wanted.  

Which the sad truth is, its so easy for that to make both people pull away. Then even the emotional connection suffers.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Sally said:

And something that asexuals don't always think about:  he may not be able to provide what you want/need:  a partner who doesn't want sex.    Sometimes we think the sexual's desires are the "default" -- but the case is that neither of you can give the other what's really wanted.  

Agreed, but I also think that since asexuals are a minority, the general expectation in a marriage is that both parties want sex.  With more visibility of asexuality that may change.  Unfortunately there are still many people who support waiting for marriage before sex.   In that case, without any discussion, there can be a tragic misunderstanding.

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, uhtred said:

In that case, without any discussion, there can be a tragic misunderstanding.

Conceivably, even with discussion there could be... while some young (and even older) aces here on AVEN report knowing they were ace from puberty, others didn’t realize it until they became sexually active.  Someone who waits for religious reasons could be especially prone to this, as they might pass off embarrassment/revulsion from others’ PDA and sexualized media content as a reaction to something morally concerning rather than as evidence of something more personal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

Hi everyone. This is my first post on Aven.

I'm the ace in a mixed relationship. We've been together very happily for five years, and have lived together for the last three of them. I've been reading lots on these forums for a while now and found it really validating to find out there are other people who have non-standard arrangements when it comes to sex. I wanted to post about my relationship because it seems to me there aren't enough positive stories and examples of variations on how it can work out there, and wanted to give anyone struggling with this a bit of hope. I wasn't sure where was the best place for this so I hope this is OK here...

My partner is VERY sexual. He can have sex again immediately after orgasm - he doesn't need time to physically recover. He would probably happily have sex every day. You could possibly put me in the grey area of ace, but essentially and practically I don't desire or physically enjoy sex. Basically I suffer from a neuropathic pain problem that makes any stimulation very painful and there isn't any treatment for it, so growing up when I tried to act on any desires that existed at the time I experienced pain and no enjoyment, so that very quickly created a negative feedback loop with sex and hence my asexuality.

After a rough patch much earlier on in my relationship, some psychosexual couples therapy, some trial and error, and MUCH communication (something we're really good at) we came up with our compromise which works really well:

1. Firstly my partner had to come to realise not to ever expect sex at a particular time, and to always be aware that it may not happen for long periods.
2. I aim to do something sexual for/with him weekly (usually on Sundays). I do try to throw in the odd spontaneous encounter from time to time. There are sometimes dry spells too though.
3. Any PiV has to be relatively quick, due to the fact that it can become painful after a while for me.
4. We talk very frankly about what we want - I can't really do any sexy seduction. I can initiate, and I can wear sexy underwear, but I can't act as if I'm feeling sexual. My idea of seduction is "Shall we have sex?". And I'm completely fine with him asking for things, as long as it doesn't become pressurising. So he won't ask every day for example.
5. I am totally fine with him telling me about how he is feeling sexually, for example telling me how hot I am etc. and how turned on he is, as long as I can be myself about not being turned on, and we can laugh together about how wierd we are!
6. He is fine with the fact that I don't desire him in that way, and that I like doing things that make him happy because I love him.
7. He is free to take care of his own needs in front of me or not whenever he feels like it.
8. As I know variety is important, I do try to include things like oral sex, though it's very difficult for me, so he is very understanding of this, and very grateful when I can. I also occasionally try to mix things up by doing things in different places etc. but this has to be quite conscious on my part.

I think those are the main points. Anyway we are really happy! We have a lot of fun together and laugh our way through (this is really important). The key to this is that both of us can express our completely polar attitudes/thoughts freely without feeling pressure or judgement from the other. My partner and I also try to be fair in what we do for eachother in the other aspects of our lives too, for example chores etc. which helps. We have learnt to negotiate well, with some pretty hilarious results. For example:
"Can I have a handjob?"
"OK, if you make pancakes and clear the bike shed!"
etc.

I should say this didn't happen organically, we worked at it and talked a lot and tried a lot of things first but it was so worth it. There's a lot more to explain but I don't want to waffle on. It's just hard to know what I can leave out without misrepresenting either myself or him.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

@Aice welcome and thanks for your post.  Being the sexual in a mixed relationship, I’d love to hear from your partner as well. Input from the allo partner in a relationship like yours, as stated, could be especially fruitful.  It’s not the norm on these boards to hear from others that run both highly sexual and are extremely happy in their mixed relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

@ryn2 Thanks!

 

@Traveler40  Yeah I was thinking that myself when I wrote it. I was wondering whether or not I could convince him to come on here as he's not really an 'online forum' kind of guy... To be honest I'm not usually a forum person either! This is a new thing I'm trying. Mainly because I'm in a sub-section of a sub-section of a sub-section, so it's hard to find people to talk to who won't instantly judge. I suppose this is a bit of a coming out for me - only three people in my life know about our situation and they've been supportive so I've never had to face the possibility of people thinking it's impossible or broken in some way.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

@Aice welcome! I agree, it's really nice to hear positive stories. I hope we see more of you! My partner sometimes lurks and reads and comments on posts, without posting himself. :)

Sometimes I feel so weird. My partner and I didn't "discover" asexuality until after being married for >10 years. It's been 9 months now with the new understanding, and we seem to have reached a pretty happy/stable state – but now I wonder how strange we are, and there aren't many folks to talk to about it.

FWIW he doesn't bother calling himself gray, even though he feels pleasure when having sex. I think he feels like "asexual" most accurately conveys what someone else should expect from him: he'll never feel sexual attraction. A word like "gray" could get someone's hoping that there's a chance?

I love how many of your experiences sound like ours – with the funny negotiations too! Me: "I did a bunch of dishes! And I'm, um, wondering if we could have a bit of nookie at some point..."

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've spoken to him about it - he's willing to post something! When he has the time though, hopefully I can get him onto it this weekend.

@anisotropic The reasons I put 'grey' in there are quite complicated. I'm the opposite of your partner as I can't experience any kind of physical pleasure from any kind of sexual activity with a partner. But I can feel attraction. If I'm attracted to someone my fantasies would entail sexual tension but stop before any contact involving genitals (mine or theirs). Funnily enough I only get this for people I have no actual likihood of having sex with - in terms of my actual partner I don't fantasise at all. Also I did used to experience properly sexual thoughts before I realised that any actual real-life contact was just painful. Now I'm very much put off and never think of it. I don't like sex scenes on TV, but I like the tension beforehand. I don't much like kissing with tongues. I can't see what the fuss is about with that! But I've figured out how my partner likes it now so we do that here and there. I like sensual things like touching / stroking / cuddling / having my hair messed with, and I like to know I am desired. I like being thought of as 'sexy', it's just I don't like sex. For some reason my partner doesn't find it frustrating to get turned on and not have sex, possibly because I'm completely not bothered by his taking care of it himself if he wants to, even if I'm present.

The really wierd thing though is that I can experience coregasms - orgasms induced by repeated contracting of the core muscles - that don't require any gential contact whatsoever. I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced these? I know there is some evidence elsewhere on the internet of others who have. But when I do, there is nothing sexual in my mind whatsover, it just feels mildly nice. And this is incompatible with partner-related activities.

Literally nothing about this is clear cut!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

@Aice your story is so wonderful to hear. And there is much to learn.

 

My ace and I have pretty good partnership overall, but the sexual mismatch can be very hard. Unlike you, he doesn't have any pain, but he finds it really hard to focus on the sexual act and feels like there really is no winning it. He can have and enjoy sex, but he isn't particularly interested in it, and I guess it is harder for a man, because he can't be passive - he has to maintain an erection and that won't work when his mind wanders. So, no pain, but PIV sex is pretty much out of the equation for us for the most part unless his head is in the game and he wants it - this is incredibly rare. We haven't finished a box of condoms we purchased in January - for a rough guide. 

 

When things are going good and he isn't stressed, he's fine touching me and getting me off and he's fine with me taking care of myself. Sadly, unlike you, he isn't able to remember to offer sex and that gets pretty brutal after a while for me, because he does enjoy the "sexy" stuff, as you described, which makes me feel like I'm being toyed with. Asking hasn't worked and he won't set reminders for himself, so things came to a bit of a head and I asked him to move to his own room, so I am not trying to guess every night and feeling unnerved.

 

But... things are getting better. We have moved to separate rooms now and he asks to stay over if he's ok with sex and I invite him over if I'm ok being platonic. So that is one way we are addressing the ambiguity and I am able to deal with the situation much better now. It is also making him more conscious about the existence of sex, since the very bed he uses every night is determined according to that, so he doesn't "just forget" anymore and I am not the only one left to carry the burden of the mismatch. We are still new to this arrangement. So far, the only times we have slept together are when I have asked him to come over - platonic. But this works well too, since I'm also freed from being romantic and aroused and frustrated every night.

 

He isn't too happy that he can't sleep with me daily, but he accepts that it is fair that both of us should be able to choose our comfort zones and we had a very thoughtful conversation a few days ago where he realized that I am actually looking and acting healthier now and he hadn't realized just how much stress I was under to be intimate AND platonic every night, even though he knew I stayed up awake long after he slept. And we do sleep together every few days too, if I feel okay about close physical contact without sex. 

 

For the first time in our relationship, he is actually thinking about my needs in it as well on a daily basis - regardless of whether he addresses them or not, not just putting them out of his mind altogether knowing I won't force sex. Yesterday he said that for the first time he's actually thinking of a compromise as opposed to being 100% in his preferred zone* with me left to cope with it. He says he wants to work toward offering me sexual interaction at some sort of regular frequency now, so that we can spend more nights together as opposed to only when I am okay being platonic. On my part, I think if he can do that and there is some regular sexual interaction between us it will also help me be okay with being platonic more often.

 

Your share gives me hope that we will be able to figure this out more gracefully with time.

 

Do you have any insights/advice for him/me?

 

Edit: * = 100% in his preferred zone meaning offering sexual interaction ONLY when he wants to (no work stress, no other stress, no lack of sleep, other interests making demand on his energy..... none of which he makes any effort to prevent in order to be with me sexually), which can not happen for months on end while being sexy, flirting, cuddling, touching, etc daily.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Alone with someone
On 9/18/2018 at 9:32 PM, Allurianna said:

He says he's not bothered, but I don't believe him. This distrust, not knowing, is definitely having an impact on our relationship.

While it’s unlikely that he is 100% happy about it all the time he may mean it sincerely. Speaking from my perspective as the sexual partner in my mixed relationship, he may not be lying when he says he’s not bothered. At that specific moment it may not bother him. Ninety percent of the time it may not bother him. He’s not trying to be dishonest, he’s trying to be consoling. It may only bother him in flashes that he quickly gets over. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

@anamikanon I'm so glad to hear you've had an improvement and have at least figured out a way of communicating your needs each night - it really made my day to read that post! The sleeping arrangement seems like a really good way of doing it; it's great that this change has led your partner to realise the effect the situation has had on you. It is definitely difficult for a mixed relationship to get the balance right of each partner thinking consciously about the other's needs. For me in past relationships I've been the one thinking constantly about all the sex I need to provide and the other partner has been not seeing it as their problem at all, but it can just as easily be the other way around.

I'm not sure what advice I can offer as it seems like you've already had a bit of a breakthrough... except maybe to remember to think consciously about planning in some fun! I don't know if this is something you do already or not? It's a bit of a cliché really but setting aside quality time to hang out in a light-hearted way away from the source of the tension is important. It also helps both people feel more willing to listen to and understand eachother. So if your parner is stressed at work and you're both busy it's important for both of you to commit practically to setting aside time to spend proper quality time together. In a honeymoon phase of a relationship people instinctively prioritise the quality time, but it is hard to do that after a while, especially with other commitments and responsibilities.

It certainly doesn't sound that fun to 'plan' fun, but if you don't at the very least clear some time from hectic schedules, there's no chance of it spontaneously occuring!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks, @Aice

 

We do have lot of fun together and are absolutely each other's preferred company and spend considerable time together. The "too stressed" is an issue only for sex. lol. But a reminder is always helpful. There's always more fun to be had :D

 

Edit: It also seems to be working well on the sexual front, because three nights before he left for another city for a two week work trip, we had some or the other sexual interaction, and he asked to stay in my bed each time. Probably a combination of knowing we will be apart and he will miss me, not having had sex for a long time (he does get occasional urges to masturbate, which he sort of "converts" to sex on occasion) and knowing that there is a hard end in sight with his departure for the trip, so it isn't forever after. lol. No mind boggling sex or even PIV, but I don't care. I can give myself orgasms just fine. I want the closeness and I got it.

 

I am a very cheerful person these days. :D

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

 About the neuropathic pain, @Aice, have you considered a Feldenkrais practitioner? It is a form of movement therapy that I've used for my son and occasionally for myself and I find it to be scientifically sound (I'm an OCD geek - this is important) and no mumbo jumbo. If it helps, you will experience some difference within the session itself (not even go home and see). I have no idea whatsoever if it works on sex related pain, but it is useful for issues related with physical limitations overall - nerves, muscles or bones. To give an oversimplified explanation, the method finds way for the body to do things it finds hard in easier ways. There is no pain involved and in fact pain or discomfort is considered a sign to stop and do less. And no, I don't think it will require you to take your clothes off or for that matter any uncomfortable attention. You may want to see a few videos of "Functional Integration" in the Feldenkrais method on Youtube to get an idea.

 

There are two ways to use the method - Awareness Through movement (ATMs) are exercises you do yourself and are often also done as classes. Functional Integration (FI) is when you are mostly passive and the Feldenkrais practitioner moves your body in different ways. If you have a good enough understanding of how the body works, you could probably pick an ATM likely to help you and try it on your own. There are many ATM sessions available for free on the internet as audio files or youtube videos, etc. The underlying principles are the same, but FI is generally used to address specific problems and require less ability from the student (no patients in Feldenkrais) and can even be used with infants and cognitively challenged people or those unable to move well on their own, etc while ATMs are more likely to be used for overall improvements or relatively minor issues - stiffness, range of motion, etc by people who can move their bodies according to directions provided. It can be hard to find an ATM to address specific issues like yours, but it is work a shot or at least you can do an ATM for something else to judge effectiveness for yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/19/2018 at 8:02 AM, Allurianna said:

I am, to the best of my understanding, the asexual in my A/S relationship. My partner is well aware of my sexuality and we've come to an understanding that sex isn't something I desire innately unlike him.

Just so I understand you right, you are saying you are not willing to have sex at all. As in, not talking of a situation where you don't want but are willing to do it sometimes for him.

 

Quote

But these past few months, maybe even a year, I've come to really question just how much my relationship depends on sex or intimacy to thrive.

This is natural. Sexual attraction is a big part of being an intimate partner of a sexual. A sexual who isn't attracted to you anymore may seem like a relief, but in reality, he has moved on from expecting intimacy. This may not mean that they are dumping you, they may simply be resigned to never being as close to you as they wish and maintain a companionship of sorts.

 

Quote

On the one hand, I want to make sure he knows I love him. At least, I think I do (that's a topic for another day). But I don't want to have sex, initiate sex, or even consider other sensual/sexual acts.

I think one thing asexuals don't get about sexuals is that they are capable of platonic relationships. Even lifelong platonic relationships. It is more like an exclusive longterm friendship. As long as you don't call it something that implies that you are their lover/partner/significant other/spouse and so on, because for us, those relationships involve sex. Not having sex with someone in that role to us would feel incomplete, deprivation, unloved and so on. I'd suggest aiming for something like "life companion" - where you may even share a home for life or be married for legal reasons, but between the two of you, the relationship is clearly platonic. It is a difference in perception. A sexual person would not see that as a sexual role.

 

If the two of you are calling yourself partners and he is thirsting to feel loved in a way he needs, which you are completely unwilling to accommodate, on his end, it will feel like unrequitted love. There is only so long that that will last, before he gives up on waiting around in hope and seeks a relationship where his love is "reciprocated".

 

Quote

He asks if I could initiate more - but I tell him, it's just not in my bones to bother.

Extremely unfortunate perspective and worse choice of words. You aren't saying you can't do something or suffer any problem from doing it. You can't be bothered to do something he needs to feel loved. You wouldn't like to be on the receiving end of such an attitude. Even if you aren't ever willing to have sex, it is better to not use language that implies a lack of respect/importance for his needs. Instead, it is better to use statements of where you stand. For example "I really don't like to have sex, and I don't ever want us to have sex" works better than "I can't be bothered to do what you ask."

 

Quote

Lately he'll say he wants to kiss me and I just look away, trying to pretend it never happened. Or say "Okay" but nothing happens. Part of me wants him to say what he wants to do and act on it, but I appreciate his waiting for my consent every single time.

If you want him to say and act, you can tell him to do that, and it serves as a blanket consent. If you want him to wait for your consent, that will work too. Or you can aim for midway like "tell me what you want to do, and unless I refuse, go ahead". If you never consent, that is still honest. Pretending to not hear him, or saying one thing and doing another basically toys with him. This is very cruel. It is very disrespectful and will cause damage to your relationship once he realizes that you will take the easy way in both saying and doing and he can't count on your words as truth. As in more damage than the inevitable from the mismatch. In the sense of making an already difficult situation worse.

 

Quote

He says he's not bothered, but I don't believe him.

There are several angles to this. 

  1. A sexual saying he's not bothered by refusals, even when he keeps asking is basically talking of not being bothered by individual instances. However, they do pile up in our minds as an overall state of the relationship that keeps getting unequal and worse with time. And still, no single refusal will be the issue. The issue will be that there is nothing but refusals or overwhelmingly mostly refusals.
  2. You KNOW that you are conning him when you go "okay" and do nothing or pretend not to hear his requests, so you already know that there is a problem and that you are being unfair, so you don't believe him when he says he is not bothered, because you KNOW you are bothering him.
Quote

This distrust, not knowing, is definitely having an impact on our relationship. I can feel the tension. I don't know if he feels the same, but right now I'm feeling torn trying to figure out how we can be together when physically and mentally we want different things.

Not being able to know where you stand is even harder than being denied sex. To us, it comes across as lies. Not being given the basic respect of honesty. We don't know where we stand and it is constantly stressful. 

 

It is better to hear "I never want to have sex with you" than maybes and okays that string us along and don't translate to action. It can also be partial. "I am not comfortable initiating sex. You initiate when you are in the mood, and I will respond if I am able" is better than "okay" and nothing. But then you better be able to consent at least part of the time. If you are always going to refuse, it is better to give a flat out no. The less false expectations you create, the less unnecessary disappointing you will do.

 

Yes, this may mean that he cannot handle the level of sexlessness and ends it. But if that is so, after all the evasions, it will still happen, only he will also have lost respect for you and possibly learned to hate you for what he goes through because of the evasions. On the other hand, it is also possible that knowing that sex is off the table, if you haven't managed to damage the trust and liking between you two, he will attempt a longterm platonic relationship with you. Like I said, sexuals are able to have all sorts of relationships, as long as sex is not a part of the role.

 

If you want different things and you are not even able/willing to be honest in conversation so that an actual solution can be attempted, it may be kinder on both of you to end it now.

 

I know this reply probably sounds harsh and not what you wanted to hear, but it is how I honestly see things. For more of a perspective from a sexual who went through a lot of mixed messages in a relationship with an ace, read my earlier threads. Sexual incompatibility was a problem and we attempted various solutions with various levels of success, but the BIGGEST problem was ambiguity, where I never knew what to expect and if I could trust his words. We struggled badly till we were able to address that and when it didn't bother him as much as it did me, it took a forced step from me, where I asked him to sleep in another room so that I was spared the constant guesswork. If that hadn't worked, eventually, we'd have to break off. And we both really love each other. LOTS. Been 4 years together. My son sees him as a father, my mother sees him as a son. Our lives are entwined. Still.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

The biggest takeaway is probably that... as much as one might hope consistently refusing would ultimately result in the person being turned down’s coming to the gradual realization that life together without sex is okay after all...

 

...I’ve not seen/not heard anyone here indicate that ever actually happens.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

That's a bit like thinking feeding an animal less and less will gradually lead them to realise food isn't necessary...

Yes, but no, because everyone has to eat so there’s no comparable “but I never eat and I’m happy that way” view to misunderstand from.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, ryn2 said:

The biggest takeaway is probably that... as much as one might hope consistently refusing would ultimately result in the person being turned down’s coming to the gradual realization that life together without sex is okay after all...

 

...I’ve not seen/not heard anyone here indicate that ever actually happens.

This is probably the worst thing to do.  After our discussions, my wife will start having frequent and enthusiastic sex - and then gradually ramp it down  - as if she thinks i won't notice.  We went through 3 cycles of this, and never again.  The end result is not that I'm less happy because it felt like she was intentionally manipulating me rather than being honest about how she felt. 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
54 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yeah, I've seen asexuals saying 'I don't think my sexual partner has noticed I'm not into sex'. They have, believe me.

Yes, I believe that. Sexual arousal seems to have a number of psychological effects, and one of those is to sexualize everything.  i think it can make someone think that their partner is enjoying even when they are not. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Yes, I believe that. Sexual arousal seems to have a number of psychological effects, and one of those is to sexualize everything.  i think it can make someone think that their partner is enjoying even when they are not. 

Not in my experience, as an asexual partner to two asexuals.  They knew.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yeah, I've seen asexuals saying 'I don't think my sexual partner has noticed I'm not into sex'. They have, believe me.

To be fair, I'm sure this varies from person to person (some people, I'd imagine, are much more willing/able to pretend than others, based on all kinds of individual characteristics). I only say this since for a couple years I was one of those guys who didn't notice and I like to think I'm not unusually oblivious to things.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Was it really no different to a sexual partner?

 

To be honest, my wife was only my second sexual partner, so didn't have masses of experience to draw on. And not at first, no, though maybe I was a bit blind because she's really hot, and we also (both) had that new relationship buzz that colours everything with excessive enthusiasm.

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, anewman said:

To be fair, I'm sure this varies from person to person (some people, I'd imagine, are much more willing/able to pretend than others, based on all kinds of individual characteristics). I only say this since for a couple years I was one of those guys who didn't notice and I like to think I'm not unusually oblivious to things.

I agree.  Some people are better actors, some are probably more or less predisposed to notice.  Especially when they have little or nothing to compare to...

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, uhtred said:

This is probably the worst thing to do.

Right, that’s what I meant.  Just making sure it came across that I was saying it was a poor approach, rather than recommending it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...