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Sexual Compromise & Support


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Thank you. Unfortunately we didn't have the talk that I had hoped for. His iPad received his attention that night. Since then he has slept in the guest room. I'm not sure whether I'm disappointed or relieved. I think the sense of urgency I had been feeling might be passing. As always, I appreciate the newfound support here. And the cake.

I was a nervous wreck the night I showed my husband this site and asked about it. Fortunately, he was open to listening and thinking about whether or not it was applicable. I think any conversation you are able to have with him that includes a genuine concern for both of your feelings regarding the issue is a good start...I felt his ego might stand in the way, plus I just didn't want to hurt or blame him anymore. Feel free to PM me anytime! :)

Thanks again, truly. I might try again tomorrow, even if brief. He has already used the word asexual so that is one step already taken. The "what now" is next. The support here is wonderful. The ability to blurt things out is such a relief.

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It has taken me all day to read this thread but I am glad I did. I have learned a lot and can relate to so many of the posts. I have come to the realization that I am asexual/introvert married to a sexual/extrovert. I have been married almost 18yrs and have just in the last month figured all of this out (talk about a slow learner :blink:).

My husband came to me a few months ago and asked if I had realized it had been over 5yrs since we had any type of sexual intimacy. I was totally shocked. I know it sounds crazy but it seems like maybe a few months at the most. I do not think of sex - ever unless he brings it up or initiates it. I do not like to snuggle, hug or kiss unless it is with my kids and even with them it is limited. I am just not a very affectionate person by nature. Needless to say I have some issues, some are medical and some are from childhood trauma that do not help the situation but are not the cause. My poor husband is an emotional, intimate person and needs contact to feel loved and needed. This is as natural to him as breathing but just the opposite for me. I do not have an aversion to sex, I enjoy it once we have it, but I don't need it or even really want it which is where the main problem comes in.

We have been talking about this for over a month, in therapy and out. He wants me to want and need sex. He keeps telling me that if I could just feel what he feels one time I would understand. I feel horrible because I just sit there looking at him like he is speaking another language. I don't even know how to react!! Sometimes when he is talking I become distracted by a squirrel running along the fence. How horrible is that! I love him and my family more than anything but I have this missing link that may cause me my marriage. In our last talk about this a few nights ago I came up with this analogy. He wants a blond and I can dye my hair but he knows I am a brunette so I am still not a true blond. He knows I don't really want to have sex so when we have it he feels I am just doing it to please him and I am not really into it so it doesn't seem right to him.

I understand what he is saying but at the same time I can't change it. I can give him sex but I cannot really want it and that is what he really wants. I have been going over and over this in my mind and with the help of our therapist (we have been going for a little over a month) I realize now that I have never associated arousal with another person. I have been aroused before, although not very often, but it was more like an itch I needed to scratch and I didn't need another person to scratch it. I have always been attracted to men but I never associated that with sex or need or arousal.

We are in our early 40s and I do not feel anything is missing in my life but he does. He has told me he is scared that he will start resenting me because he feels like he is missing out on great sex. I am so sad for him and want to make it better but I honestly don't know how. I am willing to have sex on some type of schedule but he will have to remind me because I will honestly forget which will open another can of worms. He gets upset when stuff I really need to do, and should do, gets lost in the muddle of my mind.

Thanks for listening and any advise or tips would be appreciated!

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Hi, Boo -- the "blond" analogy is great!

Also, your mention of noticing a squirrel when your husband talks about sex. Way before I knew I was asexual (in the years when I thought I was just very bad at doing sex), my husband and subsequently my partner would talk about how sexual they felt, and I just got bored. It was like they were speaking a language I didn't speak, and yet they expected me to understand what they were saying, and be interested (enthralled, even).

Having had sexual relationships for 4 decades because I wanted to please them, I don't really have any advice except don't blame yourself, or feel you are wrong for not being able to give your husband what he wants. The two of you are very different people in that particular area of life. He's not wrong; you're not wrong. And although marriage therapy may help in other ways, don't let your counselor frame it as something that you have to fix for the sake of your marriage. You are you, you are normal for you, just as your husband is normal for him. Maybe it would help for you to talk about what you've seen on AVEN during a counseling session, so both your husband and your therapist hear.

There are who knows how many thousands of us that have passed through AVEN in the 10 years it's been on-line -- and we have no idea how many asexuals there are in the world; only time will tell. We may be a minority, but we're a BIG minority!

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Hi BooRadley! I have gotten over the wanting him to want me that way. If my husband could stick to the schedule I think it would help us a lot. However, I think his interest grows greater for the view of the squirrel by the minute. Actually, I think the more he allows life to distract him, the happier he is, and the harder it does become for me. I don't resent him though...I agree with Sally, he is who he is and I am who I am. At this point in my life, I am willing and mostly able to be happy in spite of wanting more sexual activity. On occasion, I have sad moments, but they are a small portion of my life with him.

Not everyone is willing to compromise, but some people can and do. Neither way is more right than the other. Good luck, and yes...stay true to yourself. :cake:

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Thank You!! When I stumbled upon AVEN I was like OMG!! I am not alone, I am not broken. I cannot believe how much I have learned about myself over the last few weeks.

I think our therapist is very good. She has discussed with us to try and come together and figure out what we can both emotionally deal with as well as not using words with each other implying something is broken or needs fixing. I hope we can come to something we can both live with but I honestly think he may have a harder road than I.

He wants so bad for there to be something that will make me want to have intimate sex. It breaks my heart that he needs that to feel like I love him and that I have no idea how to do that. It's like reading a foreign language to me. I can see the words and I can sound them out to read but still have no idea what they say. He thinks the more I read the words something will eventually click and I will instantly be able to learn the language. I am willing to read the words because I love him but I cannot learn the language. He is having a VERY hard time really understanding since to him I am the one reading a foreign language but he can read it fluently. He is honestly trying to understand me but the last time we spoke about this he made a comment he feels like he is the only one giving up something. I am having a hard time explaining just because I am not giving up something I have to go against what feels natural to me every time we have sex because I feel the pleasure but no connection or emotion. The harder I try to be affectionate the more weird it feels.

Thank You so much for your words of encouragement.

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A thought: you actually are giving up something. You're giving up not doing something that you really aren't interested in doing. You're giving up not having to feel guilty because you aren't interested in doing it.

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BooRadley - I feel like I'm in a very similar situation as you. :(

I hope your husband will find it in himself to ease the situation, too, while he learns a bit more about asexuality. You say once you have sex you are even enjoying it - maybe focus on this and it will be easier for you both to come to terms with your differences?

I put aside the whole asexuality talk with hubs for now, we pretend I haven't found out about it, i guess? I try to initiate sex despite not needing/wanting it and I enjoy giving my hubs pleasure and physically enjoy the act myself once it starts, so I decided to put more effort in remembering about his needs and initiating it. I think it's easier to remember about sex once you don't wait for your inner need for sex and treat it like other activities you need to consciously remember of.

Maybe this helps a bit?

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SconesForDinner

We are in our early 40s and I do not feel anything is missing in my life but he does. He has told me he is scared that he will start resenting me because he feels like he is missing out on great sex. I am so sad for him and want to make it better but I honestly don't know how. I am willing to have sex on some type of schedule but he will have to remind me because I will honestly forget which will open another can of worms. He gets upset when stuff I really need to do, and should do, gets lost in the muddle of my mind.

Thanks for listening and any advise or tips would be appreciated!

Hi, Boo! I'm glad you found this place. I just entered into a relationship with a sexual person, and I've come to rely on this forum a lot.

Here's the piece of advice I'll add to the mix. Talk to your husband about non-sexual ways you could show him you love him. My partner can be very insecure and doesn't have a lot of self-esteem, so it's hard for her to not be desired sexually by me. Therefore, I try extra hard to show her I love her in other ways. We email a lot during the day, for example. I also try to buy her little things, or make her a cup of tea right before she gets home so it's ready when she walks in the door. I'm not physically affectionate either, so I have to really think about it, but I try to make sure when we're together I reach for her hand, play with her hair, hold her, that sort of thing. While your husband may need time to adjust to the thought of not having sex, it's probably the intimacy sex provides that he's actually missing. If you can show him that intimacy in other ways, he may be okay. I know it's hard - like I said, it doesn't come naturally to me either - but just trying will show him you care.

Thank You!! When I stumbled upon AVEN I was like OMG!! I am not alone, I am not broken. I cannot believe how much I have learned about myself over the last few weeks.

I think our therapist is very good. She has discussed with us to try and come together and figure out what we can both emotionally deal with as well as not using words with each other implying something is broken or needs fixing. I hope we can come to something we can both live with but I honestly think he may have a harder road than I.

He wants so bad for there to be something that will make me want to have intimate sex. It breaks my heart that he needs that to feel like I love him and that I have no idea how to do that. It's like reading a foreign language to me. I can see the words and I can sound them out to read but still have no idea what they say. He thinks the more I read the words something will eventually click and I will instantly be able to learn the language. I am willing to read the words because I love him but I cannot learn the language. He is having a VERY hard time really understanding since to him I am the one reading a foreign language but he can read it fluently. He is honestly trying to understand me but the last time we spoke about this he made a comment he feels like he is the only one giving up something. I am having a hard time explaining just because I am not giving up something I have to go against what feels natural to me every time we have sex because I feel the pleasure but no connection or emotion. The harder I try to be affectionate the more weird it feels.

Thank You so much for your words of encouragement.

One last thing! Show him AVEN. My partner has spent a lot of time on these forums trying to better understand asexuality, and how others have managed mixed relationships like ours. There are a lot of good forum threads on here for sexual partners that he may find helpful and supportive.

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Thanks to everyone for the replies. It makes it a little easier knowing I am not the only one experiencing these feelings and hearing other things to try from people that have similar experiences. This is an amazing place!

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Strawman Perk

I've found that it has to be a mutual compromise or it's no-go. The people I was with in the past would try to take the whole field on my side without budging an inch on theirs. Ie. I have to have sex as often as they want AND they want children that I don't want. There was no 'I understand you don't like sex because you don't want to ever be pregnant' it was just a series of 'but this is a relationship, my parents expect grandchildren, I don't want to adopt ever'. Needless to say I shut them down so hard their new significant others probably got frostbite.

That mini rant out of the way, I'm really glad there's people out there that can maintain a healthy balance with their sexual or asexual partner. I'll be lurking to see how the guilt aspect is worked out because I'm genuinely curious to know how respectful partners stay respectful.

As for non-sexual expressions of affection: food? Nothing says love like attempting their favorite dish if they're not the cuddling and hugging type. I tend to leave notes for my potential platonic lifepartner to find in an effort to reaffirm how much I appreciate them being them and being there for me without ever actually touching or locking lips in a more physically intimate expression. Jay may not have self-esteem issues but I imagine he still enjoys being told he's 'very pretty inside' and the 'most esteemed chickenwife'. You know, goofy little inside jokes sandwiched in praise.

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Méshie Péshie

Though I am not in a relationship at the moment, I have found it hard for my boyfriends to be open to the idea of an open relationship. I would find it a blessing if someone I was dating would take me up on the offer while still being loyal to me without feeling like they're cheating on me. I never would have thought that offering the opportunity to be with another woman would be such a compromise for a man. I am learning new things as I go along still trying to learn about my own sexuality. Especially on how to explain it to others. It is difficult to do.

Good luck to everyone in their compromises <3

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Unfortunately, with my being the asexual one and my husband the opposite, the lack of sex is starting to spill into other areas. He feels that because he's gettting sex only once every two or three weeks that he's getting the short end of the stick in the whole relationship. I mean, it seems like sex makes up the whole entire relationship. I get what I want all the time, but he doesn't get what he wants. Forget the fact that we work together in other areas (raising our child-which I do a good majority of work in), taking care of our bills and household (again, which I do a good majority in.) He states if he got more sex, I wouldn't have any issues getting him to cooperate more in other areas of the relationship. Sounds like prostitution to me. Also, he states, we are human beings, humans are supposed to be affectionate and want to touch each other. Um, I don't think any one individual should be classified to be like anyone else, we are individuals. If I did that with him, he'd miss the mark in a lot of things, but I don't, because he's an individual.

I've been considering doing a schedule so he can get more, then the pressure will be there for me to actually enjoy it. Yeah, there's not to be increase frequency, and I'm actually going to like it too. Just ranting.

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Sounds like he's not putting too much afford in making the compromise work :(

I was told once that compromise is the worst solution in business because none of the sides is happy with the arrangement. I often wonder if that isn't the same in the relationship.

You say "he feels" - so I assume you both talked the issue over and he is aware of you being asexual? Maybe you need to talk more? Or with a councelor present during the talk? I hear it might be helpful sometimes as the 3rd person can see things we usually don't in a relationship.

Also - what seems "a lot" for someone is "little" for someone else - and I wanted to say that some sexual couples go without sex for days or weeks, at least some of my friends do, and they don't see anything bad in it. So demanding sex almost every day from a asexual person seems like a whole a lot to ask for :(

And - I forgot to add - him saying that if he got more sex he'd do more in other areas? This in my opinion sounds like a good excuse for him to not feel guilty that he doesn't do the chores...

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I don't think compromise is the worst solution if you both get some of what you want. Currently, I'm not even getting anywhere close to what was agreed upon, however, I'm still getting some of what I want...that is a loving husband who I can really relate to on an emotional and intellectual level. If the physical level is not up to par right now, it's just not.

@maccheese, I don't blame you for ranting about how your husband is coming across. But, if I'm honest, I've had similar feelings. I seem to think that if we had more sex, I wouldn't feel so bad when the car breaks down, or we are short money for the month. I know it makes little sense. I think it's just part of feeling bad for not getting more of what we want in the sex dept.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just read through this thread, and it's really encouraging to me to see that there are so many people here committed to making difficult mixed relationships work. It is troubling, though, that many of the people here have had ongoing issues for years or decades. As a romantic ace, my worst fear is that my sexual husband may eventually become frustrated with our relationship.

We've been together for over 6 years, and married for more than three. After marriage, things got pretty rocky because intercourse resulted in increasing stretches of major depression for me. At first, it was only a few hours--but then it grew to be days, then weeks. I spent 1.5 years looking for some medical or psychological issue that would explain the situation, but four doctors a counselor and a psychiatrist found nothing. We tried all sorts of 'stuff', but none of it worked for me. Through all of this, my husband was distressed, but very supportive. He never forced me to do anything--though I admit to doing things I knew would hurt me because I felt guilty about not being a 'good wife'. Finding AVEN, and learning that other people had the same experiences as I did was what really opened up communication, and helped us work toward a solution.

Because of the severity of my psychological issue with intercourse, we took sex off the table. I had become afraid of touching him at all (and I like to snuggle) because I feared he would become aroused, which could lead to sex, which would then send me into a depressive spiral. I have never had a problem touching my husband sexually--I just needed to not be touched that way. We made an agreement that he would try to respect my boundaries while still receiving sexual gratification so that I could feel safe around him again.

After a couple months, I felt like our relationship had improved tremendously. Because he was getting enough gratification, and I wasn't shying away from him, he was no longer inflamed by every close moment, which had seemed cruelly unfair to me before. Both of us had been contributing to eachother's unhappiness because of poor communication! I had even begun to even enjoy giving my husband gratification, and would sometimes playfully tease him without him having to initiate. When I was no longer 'in danger', I felt like I could focus more on making him happy in ways I was comfortable doing. I was finally able to understand that his 'bedroom eyes' meant that he loved me, not that he wanted to have sex, per se. I also got my fair share of non-sexual cuddling, which is some of my favorite time with him. :wub:

He had a very hard time coming to terms with not being sexually desired. He felt like it somehow made him a jerk to even ask anything of me. Like many sexuals here, he felt a need to be desired. I didn't think there was anything I could do about it, but there was. First, I realized that I could understand his feelings in terms of a need to be needed. He had secret doubts that maybe I would do fine (or better) without him. After that, I made sure to regularly express to him that he's the right one for me, and that I think he has made my life better. Second, we began engaging in a fetish (neither of us had ever even thought about it before, we just tried it and enjoyed it). Because of the particularities of the fetish, he tells me that he now feels desired on some level. I am hesitant to say what it is, because it is pretty taboo, even on the internet.

Both of us are now very content with our relationship. We are definitely compromising, but I rarely think about the fact that, left to myself, I wouldn't engage in any sexual activities. He is 100% worth every minute.

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I don't think compromise is the worst solution if you both get some of what you want. Currently, I'm not even getting anywhere close to what was agreed upon, however, I'm still getting some of what I want...that is a loving husband who I can really relate to on an emotional and intellectual level. If the physical level is not up to par right now, it's just not.

@maccheese, I don't blame you for ranting about how your husband is coming across. But, if I'm honest, I've had similar feelings. I seem to think that if we had more sex, I wouldn't feel so bad when the car breaks down, or we are short money for the month. I know it makes little sense. I think it's just part of feeling bad for not getting more of what we want in the sex dept.

Heheh... but then, many if not most human feelings seem to make "little sense" when considered rationally and objectively, do they Lady!

Actually, I believe you're correct that handling the car, money, and other common-to-us-all troubles would be easier if you were having more (as in, "more-nearly how much is optimal for you") sex. As my wife has observed about me throughout our thirty-three years of marriage, how easy-going or not I am is definitely affected by how much sex I'm having.

Perhaps a microcosm of how sexual frustration/gratification affects mood (in those with libidos) is our perspectives of, say, an over-due bill immediately after we've experienced satisfying sex: while we're basking in an afterglow, that overdue bill doesn't "feel" quite so "bad" . Given the positivizing hormones and biochemicals released and increased during and after sex, and given the physiological negatives that accumulate if one is sexually frustrated -- both which directly affect if not often control our psychology and emotions -- it seems that those with libidos are wired such that sexual frustration adversely stresses us and/or reduces our capacities to handle stress generally.

Ain't biology wunnerful?...

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  • 3 weeks later...

I get what I want all the time, but he doesn't get what he wants.

I feel this way toward my (ace) wife, too. Even though I don't consciously slack off (and I certainly don't do it to make a point), I do feel a constant futility/despair as I try so hard to make my wife happy -- doing things that are helpful and meaningful to her -- when I have no hope of our marriage ever having a sexual dimension.

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About a month ago I attempted to talk with my self-reported ace (possibly repulsed) hubby but he was distracted so it didn't happen. A week ago I finally emailed him the question, "I have been reading about asexuality and I do respect your needs as best as I understand them ... I wonder what do you suggest as options for me in our situation?" One week later, no response or even acknowledgement whatsoever.

How can compromise begin when one partner won't communicate?

Rant: My husband is a therapist. I *so* resent that he won't communicate; after all he makes his living teaching others to do so. Rant over. Now I will say something kinder: he is often very thoughtful and makes a fine cup of tea.

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Charming - my goodness, it doesn't sound like a compromise or actually it doesn't sound like anything good to me :( Do you think he might just nee more time? That he's hiding and not addressing the problem so to not make it real? Do you think he'll come around?

Sometimes omitting the problem might be an answer (like in my case I think) but I don't think it's the best thing for you, since it seems like you're struggling, no? :(

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Dear Nodare, thank you for responding. In answer to your question: I honestly have no idea what he needs or why he won't talk. I don't think I am rushing or nagging a dialogue, or that I am being threatening in my approach. I am not asking him to change anything, just asking for his input towards my remaining options.

Maybe he doesn't talk because in his work as a therapist he listens to everyone else's woes all day and doesn't want to come home only to have to listen to mine. Maybe it's because he thinks I am going to criticize and complain and he doesn't want to hear it. Maybe because he provides therapy to sexual offenders and victims, and just doesn't want more sex talk of any sort in his life. Maybe he is afraid it will lead to fighting so he is avoiding the discussion.

I just don't know. :( I truly appreciate your kindness in your response.

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I'm so sorry bb :( It feels as if he's really hiding :( Maybe you can try just talking again? I know sometimes emailing seems easier as you can put your thoughts together and tell them in one go before someone interrupts, but maybe he needs to be confronted? Or maybe not, I know hell about people.

I think it must be harder for men and probably it's even harder for a therapist who knows how it works but to heal others doesn't mean you know how to do it yourself and you don't want to feel at work when you're home. There's a reason why all the kids of my friends who are child-psychologists have the biggest problems...

If you need to just share and if it helps you with the feels, I'm always online and will be more than happy to chat!

I hope he starts talking to you soon and stops doing whatever it is he's doing :(

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Thanks again. To have someone listen is great comfort.

The other "maybe" that I didn't write was: maybe he doesn't care enough about the topic, or about my distress regarding the topic, to bother writing back. A sad possibility, but a possibility indeed. Maybe he is just simply blowing me off because it just isn't relevant to him.

One day at a time I guess.

(PS: some time ago we mutually adopted emailing as preferred method of difficult-ish conversations. Perhaps unusual, but seemingly best for us for a variety of reasons.)

Anyway, again, thank you. Kindness of strangers, right.

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About a month ago I attempted to talk with my self-reported ace (possibly repulsed) hubby but he was distracted so it didn't happen. A week ago I finally emailed him the question, "I have been reading about asexuality and I do respect your needs as best as I understand them ... I wonder what do you suggest as options for me in our situation?" One week later, no response or even acknowledgement whatsoever.

How can compromise begin when one partner won't communicate?

Rant: My husband is a therapist. I *so* resent that he won't communicate; after all he makes his living teaching others to do so. Rant over. Now I will say something kinder: he is often very thoughtful and makes a fine cup of tea.

It's possible that he took your request for his suggestions about options for you to be a request from a client instead of his wife. Also, you said options for "me", not "us", so he wasn't really included. Maybe you could write him again in a more inclusive way?

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Hmm. I disagree, Sally. I think I included him when I said I have been reading about asexuality and I think I included him when I said I respect him for it. I think I included him when I asked him for a dialogue and I think I included him by giving him clear direction in what support I need from him as a result of the dialogue.

By his actions and statements over the course of several years, I know that he does not want to be included in sex. I deliberately did not ask for suggestions for "us" in this, because he does not want there to be a sexual "us" and as I said, I understand and respect that. HE has excluded the possibility of a sexual "us;" there is only a sexual "me." If I innuendo that there is, or should be, an inclusive sexual "us" I think that undermines and disrespects him. But I do think he should put in the effort to include himself in dialogue where I support him and ask him to support me, when respectfully asked, with specific questions.

(Also he could not have thought the question was posed as a client perspective in this case.)

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Is it possible that he took it as you asking permission to seek sex outside the relationship without actually just saying so? I'm sorry if I'm wrong and I don't mean to offend, but it seems as if you asked him a question that has obvious answers and only a couple at that.

On a very personal level, I think the whole thing seems to make my husband feel broken and like less of a man if I persist with discussion. Certain suggestions are definitely disheartening to him and are obviously not what he wants to see happen.

I think it is really hard to accept that if we can't live without the sex life we desire, we are left with seeking sex elsewhere (with or without their 'blessing') or leaving the relationship.

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I don't know if he took it as that or not. It was indeed the primary question I had in my mind (you are correct), although I suspect he probably didn't think in those terms because he knows that generally I am very opposed to extramarital sex. It is ironic that I am now considering it for myself.

However even if we never get to a dialogue on sexmates or no sexmates, I honestly would have been happy just to hear something like "thanks for putting in the effort to understand me and I will try to understand you too." I would have gratefully accepted that, just *any* gesture of reciprocated support from him to me, but I got nothing, which hurts. Another rejection, in a way. I think the sexuals here will especially understand the significance of that. He also could even have said romance novels, erotica, sex toys ... anything to show some consideration for my side of things, which I think is reasonable to ask and which I offer likewise to him.

Good insight, I think, on the husband feeling less of a man. That probably applies here. But I am only attempting to begin communicating. So much here on aven says "communicate." I can't even get started with 1 conversation, so I feel defeated already. Communication and mutual, reciprocated support feels impossible.

I have a date with an old boyfriend from my college days, later this week. My husband knows, but he doesn't know all the things that have been running in my head about this. In the meantime I have been examining my ethics on extramaritals. I anticipate nothing sexual will happen and it will just be 2 old friends catching up. I have suggested nothing to the old flame, and I believe he wouldn't cross that line either, so probably safe territory. In a small way I am tempting myself to solidify my commitment, I think. Maybe rather than talking with my husband about a sexmate, I need to get close enough to reject it for myself. Ultimately it has to be my individual process. Maybe after that, I will no longer feel the need to talk with my husband and can let it rest.

As always, thanks for the support here and the chance to blurt it all out.

Adding the following: for the matter of the question I asked my husband, I would also have accepted non sexual ideas from him too. Massage, a date night, a new hobby ....... whatever. While I did have one particular thing on my mind, the bigger picture is that I was hoping to find some realm of support from him to me. Anything to get an idea that he cares even a little bit about my side of this, enough to begin talking together a little bit.

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Even if your husband does not want to talk generally (or even specifically) about this whole issue, if you are seriously thinnking about having sex with someone else, it would probably be best to tell him. Assumptions either way (that you would or you wouldn't) aren't helpful. If you want to stay in the marriage, maybe he needs to know what's running through your head, so he will be able to make any decision he might need to make.

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Yes, Sally, thank you. I have heard back from only one person who believed that it would be ok to proceed discreetly, in secret. All others have said the same as you. I will be following the advice of the majority.

In 14 years that we have been together (nearly 10 married) I have never wandered and he knows that confidently.

If I suspect that anything could develop between myself and another person, I will be insistent that hubby and I talk. I think that, at least for now, I will soon be able to let this rest. But I found myself so saddened by the fact that in approaching a dialogue of any sort, he retreated rather than responded. :( It made me feel a further disconnect.

Thanks so much. This is a caring place.

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Down in Texas

I am late coming into this dialog since I have been busy for the last few weeks. I have read all of the post made yesterday and today however I may have missed something. I am replying on my understanding of what is happening. If I am wrong or have misunderstood Charming please correct me.

For years I would say to my Husband "I can't keep going like this" and all I got when I ask for suggestions was “I don't know". I don't know was the answer I got to almost every question I ask. So I feel I understand some of what you are dealing with.

Having said this I highly suggest if you plan to stay in this marriage I WOULD NOT imply that there is EVEN a chance of you looking outside the marriage for relieve it will come back to haunt you later. I say this because after years of basically nothing in the form of communications he NOW seems to have awaken after he read a book that he himself bought actually twice now about seven years apart. The title of the book is "Sex Starved Wives" Now it seems as if I couldn't go anywhere for about five years without being able to be reached instantly without him then fearing I am with someone or leaving him. He never thought of the possibility of me leaving or being unhappy enough to think of being with someone until his eyes were opened after reading that book. Once he read it he became possessive to a point of obsession. We then had to both go through a period of reaffirmation of trust. It was hard for me to all of a sudden not be trusted when I had done nothing to be untrusted for. He had to be reassured over and over again that I was not leaving. Now he is and has attempted to make up for his past neglect. The problem now is that being an asexual he does not know how to initiate sex when I was the one that had always started all of our sex in the past until he stopped responding. Now he tells me he cannot remember any of our past sex and that he does not know how to start sex with me. I know this is true it is evident in his behavior.

Therefore if you plan on staying in your marriage you need to really think. You are the only one that knows your personal situation and how or what may be the outcome of your actions and if you and your husband can or will be able to withstand the possible conscience of implying or planting the idea of being with someone else. The implication could go either way. It could be what it takes to wake him up or it could be a fatal blow that will take trust off the table forever. You and only you will and can make that choice.

Best of Luck to you and your marriage. Just please do not make this diversion while you are hurting or angry you may make the wrong choice during these times. Just know you are not alone there are a lot of others that have gone through what you are and we can only be here to listen. This has to be a decision that you can live with think it through from all angles.

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Thank you. I feel stronger than I did a few weeks ago when I joined aven, at which time I felt a lot of crisis. I am beginning to think we ("I") might be ok again. I probably just had/have to do some soul searching. This is a good place to do that.

Neither my husband nor my old friend knows the round and round that has been in my head. I have been discrete; there have not even been implications or suggestions. I did have the need to examine the possibility within myself, especially upon learning more about life with an ace for the long term, and whether I can accept what that will mean for me.

I will still plan to visit my friend. I think the visit will offer additional clarity for me. And I am genuinely looking forward to seeing him.

I am also awaiting the shipment of a few bedroom toys that I ordered. Maybe that will help me with some of the other pressing needs. Maybe that will be my next step in compromise.

But still exists the question of why my husband won't communicate, and whether I should persist in that. I have only just begun trying to talk ... seems wasteful to me to give up, seems demeaning to him to persist.

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