Lady Girl

Sexual Compromise & Support

Recommended Posts

Aice

@anamikanon Thanks for the information, that's very thoughtful! But I have already been down the medical/physical route to solving my 'problem', and for my specific issue (not wishing to go into details) there isn't any treatment with any good quality supporting evidence, so I eventually came to the realisation that trying to pursue a solution that doesn't exist was actually the cause of my unhappiness, rather than the pain/lack of interest in sex itself. Now that I have accepted my body and mind for how they are I'm much much happier. Not only do I not have to deal with medical professionals who don't listen any more (very distressing), but I can also appreciate that being different is not bad - e.g. I'm not in chronic pain in my day to day life. There are many women with my problem in a much much worse situation than me who struggle with severe incapacitating pain every day, not to mention the victims of FGM, or people who are paralysed from the waist down - for all these groups pleasurable sex is no longer part of their lives either - I'm actually incredicbly lucky in the grand scheme of things.

It's interesing to think that while quite a few doctors were trying to push me to do a course of mindfulness to try to change my libido, none of them ever managed to think of the idea of just accepting it as it was - quite ironic given the core ideas mindfulness is based on!

It was only this website that really finally helped me get over it actually. That and the psychosexual therapy with my partner - that helped with figuring out other things we like, other ways to connect, and also with our compromise which was a big part of realising I could be happy as I am.

I used to think I would be alone forever, which is why hearing about other non-standard intimate relationships is so nice, just to know there are actually loads of people out there figuing out different ways to love.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Aice

In terms of the idea of noticing/not noticing that the person you are having sex with is uninterested, the very depressing thing is that there are some people who simply don't care - there are plenty out there who are very aware of another person's lack of interest but will happily ignore this for their own ends.

I think sex education needs to improve on a number of aspects. The message I got growing up was that you should wait until you 'feel ready' to have sex. Unfortunately the implication was 'emotionally ready' with no regard to actually thinking about sexual desire. I thought I should have sex because I loved my partner and I felt mature enough, but whether I physically desired it in the moment or not never carried any weight in my mind! Quite shocking if you think about it... I think even sexuals fall into this trap because of the pressure to fit in - losing their viginity either at a time when they aren't in the mood or with a person they are aren't attracted to, just for the sake of ticking that particular box.

Education on consent / 'enthusiastic' consent is the other thing that needs to be improved, and I think it is connected. If someone doesn't stop to ask themselves if they really desire an activity, their partner should at least be engaged in checking this through good communication (verbal or non).

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
23 hours ago, Aice said:

In terms of the idea of noticing/not noticing that the person you are having sex with is uninterested, the very depressing thing is that there are some people who simply don't care - there are plenty out there who are very aware of another person's lack of interest but will happily ignore this for their own ends.

I think sex education needs to improve on a number of aspects. The message I got growing up was that you should wait until you 'feel ready' to have sex. Unfortunately the implication was 'emotionally ready' with no regard to actually thinking about sexual desire. I thought I should have sex because I loved my partner and I felt mature enough, but whether I physically desired it in the moment or not never carried any weight in my mind! Quite shocking if you think about it... I think even sexuals fall into this trap because of the pressure to fit in - losing their viginity either at a time when they aren't in the mood or with a person they are aren't attracted to, just for the sake of ticking that particular box.

Education on consent / 'enthusiastic' consent is the other thing that needs to be improved, and I think it is connected. If someone doesn't stop to ask themselves if they really desire an activity, their partner should at least be engaged in checking this through good communication (verbal or non).

Unfortunately sex is complicated for many people, and sometimes language doesn't seem to be very good at describing people's feelings.   There are some people who in general have no interest in sex, but if they do have sex they physically enjoy it while it happens,  but then afterwards don't enjoy the experience in retrospect. 

 

Others think that they want sex "in the future" but never "now".  Some see sex as a way to scratch an itch - something to get over with as quickly as possible. 

 

All sorts of variation.   That can make the question of whether ones partner "enjoys'" sex very confusing in some situations. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tkelizabeth

I understand that coming into my sexuality at 28 has a lot of weight. I've been lingering on the idea of being ace for my entire life (post puberty, but pre-puberty thoughts had confirmed my status). I have been with my cis-male boyfriend for 4.5 years by now. As I reduced my alcohol use, I've realized I had previously abused alcohol to "make up" for my lack of a sexual desire/attraction/libido. I was becoming an addict to cope with the standards of society. I realized, it's not fair to abuse and hurt myself in order to fit into a sexually obsessed society. I have a hard time because I have enjoyed sex in the past, but I cannot remember a time when I was the sexual pursuer. I understand that sex is powerful and can be used as leverage in a human relationship, and I have learned how to wield my sexuality. To profit off of my sexuality. My fake sexuality. I learned that modern men don't care if I reciprocate the feelings truly, and I learned how to fake the feelings. I am annoyed by friends that talk about or think about sex all the time. Why are they obsessed with something that isn't necessary? This lead me here and I finally feel understood, sort of. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotropic

Welcome @tkelizabeth! Have some cake: :cake:

My partner never pursues sex either. Sex can be a loving thing – my partner provides it as an act of love, even if he has no intrinsic desire for it. But sometimes people don't realize that others aren't having a positive experience, and I understand how that can make it all feel oppressive and fake. Communication and openness is a good thing. ❤️ 

 

@Aice as someone with an asexual partner, the phrase "enthusiastic consent" really sets me on edge. I can never have his enthusiasm, and that sensibility would make me out to be a monster (maybe I should enjoy in that monstrosity). To want my partner to desire sex with me is to want him to change his orientation – I won't do that to him. Instead I'll accept that he's willing, it's not a huge chore, and he wants me to be happy. I won't look for "enthusiasm", I aim for clear and continuous.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Aice

@anisotropic

I know what you mean! That's why I used a slash (/) to mean 'or' . I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable about using the word 'enthusiastic' about my consent either!

The point I was making is that I think there needs to be either non-verbal 'enthusiasm', or a conversation had at some point, whether it be at the time or previously.

I can think of a few examples in which the consent wouldn't necessarily be 'enthusiastic':

1) Consent as part of a compromise in a relationship between a sexual and an ace.
2) Consent between a prostitute and their client.
3) Consent in a relationship between two sexuals, in which there is a general culture of give and take and both partners communicate with and respect the other.

I certainly can't imagine a situation in which someone has just met someone else and are engaging in sexual activity in which that person looks disinterested or unhappy, and they wouldn't feel it necessary to check they are OK verbally.

The amazing thing is that the only place I see these subtleties being discussed is on a forum about asexuality! It's amazing how exploring a lack of interest in sex can lead to so much interesting thought on sex itself and the different ways in which a person can want to engage in it.

I really think this stuff should definitely be discussed through the education system.




 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A Lover

I am a little scared thinking of how my future relationship will be like. I would have sex (for him), but it is a little overwhelming thinking of having it all the time. It seems to me that I I would need to have sex to keep him from leaving. An open relationship is also a little scary because of trust issues I may develop. It is kind of tough thinking of why a guy would choose me over a girl who has a sex drive. I still really want a relationship as I get older, and these are just thoughts that I have. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
On 12/23/2018 at 3:41 PM, A Lover said:

I am a little scared thinking of how my future relationship will be like. I would have sex (for him), but it is a little overwhelming thinking of having it all the time. It seems to me that I I would need to have sex to keep him from leaving. An open relationship is also a little scary because of trust issues I may develop. It is kind of tough thinking of why a guy would choose me over a girl who has a sex drive. I still really want a relationship as I get older, and these are just thoughts that I have. 

Best if you find someone who's level of sexual interest is similar to yours - because I think what you list are real problems. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Allurianna

Phew it's been a while since I came on here. I'm grateful to have gotten a few replies to my topic. @anamikanon Just so you know, your careful responses mean the world to me. If there's one thing I can never appreciate it's circumventing hard truths. I thrive on honesty, and sometimes it can seem harsh, as you've said, but at the end of the day, it's with the best intentions. That said, somehow we're still together. Although we did have a long talk about what our relationship was and whether there was any hope in its survival. Apart from my own beliefs/desires/behaviours, we're both struggling with a major financial stressor. I like to think that's part of what put me in such a questioning position. But if so, that just makes me question even more whether or not I have "feelings". I spend too much time trying to define what "feelings" even are, and if I can bring them to life. Did I ever even have them? Is what I want just friendship? What does it mean to love a friend? It's hard trying to separate the sexual from the not having seen it and learned it for so long. That's probably the hardest part - not knowing any other way, but having to deal with these thoughts, "feelings", and expectations. Some months ago my sister asked me if I wanted to get married. I told her I just want to be able to pay my bills. Companionship is nice, but it's never been important to me, even from a young age. But nevertheless, I yearn to yearn. I just want to be more like the majority, I guess. I don't know anymore. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally
On 12/23/2018 at 3:41 PM, A Lover said:

I am a little scared thinking of how my future relationship will be like. I would have sex (for him), but it is a little overwhelming thinking of having it all the time. 

And it would not just be a one-time thing, but part of the ongoing relationship.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now