Sexual Compromise & Support

[Kree_kay]

10 hours ago, anisotropic said:

@Kree_kay I think initial positivity/relief quickly gives way to feeling miserable realizing one will never be desired in that way by one's partner...

 

Regarding "want to feel wanted", I try to replace that by asking my partner to make me feel wanted in other ways. And I stopped caring about being attractive to my partner, after my therapist asked me "why do you need to be attractive?" and I couldn't come up with an answer I felt justified it.

 

I'm the initiater, I thought that was a given? but I guess mixed relationships vary. But I have trouble asking for it sometimes. My partner has come to realize how emotionally important sex is for me, and it's something I struggle to accept, because admitting the power this has over my mood makes me feel powerless and irrational, I hate that. He told me making myself miserable wasn't making his life any easier.

 

So... when we are intimate, it feels like an act of trust -- that he won't make me feel ashamed for needing it. having that trust validated affirms my love and bond with him.

 

That's how it works for us these days. I think it took several months to work through the unhappiness. (But we've been together 15 years.)

Thanks for sharing your experience. My SO is the initiator, and that is an area he wants me to try to do more, but I'm just not wired that way. I've read that asexuals in some relationships have a calendar to keep track of when they last initiated, so maybe something like that would help. It just doesn't feel natural. He always knew something was a bit off, so even whatever I was doing earlier in the relationship wasn't working. He gave me some ideas though, and some are pretty easy (like just wearing something specific) so that won't be as difficult as trying to initiate some other way.

 

I'll talk to my partner about other ways I can make him feel wanted that don't always involve sex and keep working on how I feel about things. I do think physical validation is important to him however, so maybe we are just incompatible in the long run (not trying to be dramatic, just realistic)

 

Everything I've read about mixed relationships involves some sort of compromise on both sides, which is true of many other things in relationships. 🙂 I'm glad to hear you've worked things out and have been together for awhile.

[Kree_kay]

6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Kree 

 

I think every single sexual partner of an asexual feels like that - certainly being desired is part of a sexual relationship. Anisotropic's situation is pretty much the best case, but by way of description, the conversation analogy works. It's like being in a relationship with someone you knew only really wanted to talk with you on sufferance and left to themselves would happily never talk to you again. 

Oof, thanks for the analogy. I thought we might be okay because my SO claims to have a low sex drive, but that isn't the same as needing that emotional validation or desire from the other partner (sorry if validation isn't the right word, but that's the best way I can describe what I understand from my SO).

 

 

[Guest]

Wearing a sexy outfit he likes (whatever he thinks looks best on you) is a good way of signaling you want him to view you sexually, even if you lack desire. Flirtatious texts etc can help people feel wanted too. Just being playful about it. Doesnt have to be overtly sexual, or passionate. Just try to show you dont hate it and even if you dont like it, you like he is happy and into you. 

 

Even just texting him a selfie of yourself in a nice outfit that you know will make him attracted to you. Or casual touches that you know spark his interest. 

 

It doesnt have to be anything unnatural like a passionate lust fueled initiation of a night long sex session. Just find what feels OK to do but gives the signal "I want you to be happy, even if I cant want what you want"  

 

They also sell things like naughty cards you can give your partner. Like "Redeem for one blowjob" etc that would be a gift one could give and then its still the sexual partner initiating by redeeming the cards, but the other partner has showed interest by gifting them. 

 

There are a lot of subtle ways of making a person feel wanted or initiating sexual interest in a person. It really just depends what you are comfortable doing. If you are feeling weird, uncomfortable or off about it, it wont have the right impact. 

 

So... if nothing is comfortable, dont do it and let him know you arent OK initiating but are happy giving. 

 

Personally, I tend to just go the simplest intitiation route : Do you want anything tonight? The subtle stuff is so much a part of my relationship as just joking playfulness that neither of us picks it up as serious. 

[Kree_kay]

On 2/17/2019 at 7:57 AM, Telecaster68 said:

One of the ways round it is that you both compromise - you by initiating at least sometimes, and him by accepting that while you're not acting out of lust (or sexual desire), you're doing it out of love, so in a way it is an act of love.

I try. I'll wear something sexy, grab parts (lol), or otherwise try to set the mood. I think he may just not like how I initiate 🙄

 

From what he has been saying lately, I think he wants me to initiate all of the time. He has also said he finds sex a chore because of me, for lack for a better word, needing to be more warmed up and not always 100% immediately into it. I know scheduling sex isn't sexy, but it helps me mentally prepare and reminds me to think about it (because I don't normally). He admitted to using porn over having sex in the past, and that had nothing to do with me. I was trying to improve our intimacy even if I didn't feel 100% into for myself.

 

For example, I did this idea with similar cards:  " They also sell things like naughty cards you can give your partner. Like "Redeem for one blowjob" etc that would be a gift one could give and then its still the sexual partner initiating by redeeming the cards, but the other partner has showed interest by gifting them. "

 

Also, he wont' talk about any of this unless we are in couples therapy, which we go to for other reasons. I'm starting to think he's just looking for a reason to get out rather than actually working on anything. It is getting really frustrating for me. I wish I would have never told him about asexuality, because now that is his reason for our problems, and he isn't taking any shared responsibility on working things out.

 

Apologies, that was a bit of a vent. I'm just feeling a bit lost and sad right now.

[ryn2]

15 minutes ago, Kree_kay said:

I'm starting to think he's just looking for a reason to get out rather than actually working on anything.

Ugh, yeah, I got into that situation last year and it was very frustrating.  Sorry!

[ryn2]

16 minutes ago, Kree_kay said:

I wish I would have never told him about asexuality, because now that is his reason for our problems, and he isn't taking any shared responsibility on working things out.

This, too... after really working through things myself I don’t even think I *am* ace, but my then-partner would not let me retract my made-in-haste statement and it became a convenient hook to hang everything else on.

[Sally]

It doesn't sound like he wants to work things through, or do anything except complain.  Without two partners, there can't be any compromise, and without two partners, there isn't a relationship.  Aren't  you tired of trying?  

 

[Xstatic]

1 hour ago, Kree_kay said:

From what he has been saying lately, I think he wants me to initiate all of the time. He has also said he finds sex a chore because of me, for lack for a better word, needing to be more warmed up and not always 100% immediately into it. 

Oh good lord.  🙄

 

Okay, first of all, needing to be warmed up is totally common.  This is not abnormal behavior at all.

 

Secondly, telling you that you have to initiate 100% of the time is not the slightest bit fair to you.

 

These are both extremely inconsiderate, and downright selfish.  What about your needs?  

[anamikanon]

On 1/22/2019 at 11:03 AM, Allurianna said:

Phew it's been a while since I came on here. I'm grateful to have gotten a few replies to my topic. @anamikanon Just so you know, your careful responses mean the world to me. If there's one thing I can never appreciate it's circumventing hard truths. I thrive on honesty, and sometimes it can seem harsh, as you've said, but at the end of the day, it's with the best intentions. That said, somehow we're still together. Although we did have a long talk about what our relationship was and whether there was any hope in its survival. Apart from my own beliefs/desires/behaviours, we're both struggling with a major financial stressor. I like to think that's part of what put me in such a questioning position. But if so, that just makes me question even more whether or not I have "feelings". I spend too much time trying to define what "feelings" even are, and if I can bring them to life. Did I ever even have them? Is what I want just friendship? What does it mean to love a friend? It's hard trying to separate the sexual from the not having seen it and learned it for so long. That's probably the hardest part - not knowing any other way, but having to deal with these thoughts, "feelings", and expectations. Some months ago my sister asked me if I wanted to get married. I told her I just want to be able to pay my bills. Companionship is nice, but it's never been important to me, even from a young age. But nevertheless, I yearn to yearn. I just want to be more like the majority, I guess. I don't know anymore. 

I'd been away for a long time and just saw this. Very glad to know that you took my responses in the spirit they were given and that they were useful.

 

About the rest, I think it is okay to not know things and maybe find out in the future or maybe not. We can only deal with what is going on in the here and now in a real sense. If you feel, you feel. If you don't, you don't.

 

That said, financial stress can be a brutal thing and an absolute killer for a lot of aspects of our life where emotional openness counts. The sheer feeling of inadequacy it brings along can destroy all instinct to open up from relationships to creativity. Sometimes recognizing that this stressor is in play, as you are doing, can help free you from its impact spilling over in other areas. Sometimes not.

[Fallen Unicorn]

Hello.

 

I joined this website because I broke up with somebody who came out as asexual to me during the relationship, and despite my considerate questions about what was okay and not okay, she refused to keep doing things that weren't even inherently sexual (making out, etc). Essentially, she wouldn't compromise, and I tried to deal with that (even though I was angry at first). At first, I didn't even think it was a problem, but I couldn't figure out why I was having anxiety attacks all the time. I thought something was wrong with me, and I broke up with her. Cut to several days later, and I have an epiphany: despite everything that she gave me (a safe place, gifts, cuddles), it wasn't enough without the sexual intimacy where I felt wanted. If anything, it felt like a weird friendship.

 

Her and her sister are pissed at me for my reason for breaking up with her, but I feel like I did the bravest and fairest thing for both of us. I gave up a lot, but I know that I am resilient.

[Silverwolf13]

19 hours ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Hello.

 

I joined this website because I broke up with somebody who came out as asexual to me during the relationship, and despite my considerate questions about what was okay and not okay, she refused to keep doing things that weren't even inherently sexual (making out, etc). Essentially, she wouldn't compromise, and I tried to deal with that (even though I was angry at first). At first, I didn't even think it was a problem, but I couldn't figure out why I was having anxiety attacks all the time. I thought something was wrong with me, and I broke up with her. Cut to several days later, and I have an epiphany: despite everything that she gave me (a safe place, gifts, cuddles), it wasn't enough without the sexual intimacy where I felt wanted. If anything, it felt like a weird friendship.

 

Her and her sister are pissed at me for my reason for breaking up with her, but I feel like I did the bravest and fairest thing for both of us. I gave up a lot, but I know that I am resilient.

As an ace, I think you did what was best for you. Some people need that form of intimacy on some level. Your need for it is as valid as her need to not have it. Sometimes mixed relationships don't work. It may just not be possible.  People do not need to stay in relationships, period. If that relationship cannot work for them, it would be more harmful to stay.  Doesn't make either of you wrong or broken. It just makes the relationship not right for you.

 

Edit: I forgot to welcome you with cake. Welcome!

Edited March 25, 2019 by Silverwolf13
Forgot to welcome

[Fallen Unicorn]

On 3/25/2019 at 3:56 PM, Silverwolf13 said:

As an ace, I think you did what was best for you. Some people need that form of intimacy on some level. Your need for it is as valid as her need to not have it. Sometimes mixed relationships don't work. It may just not be possible.  People do not need to stay in relationships, period. If that relationship cannot work for them, it would be more harmful to stay.  Doesn't make either of you wrong or broken. It just makes the relationship not right for you.

 

Edit: I forgot to welcome you with cake. Welcome!

Thank you 😊

[Neshama]

I'm new to aven and I'm mostly here because my partner is asexual and I'm very much not, and I don't really know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex at all and anytime the compromise conversation comes up he says that he feels that I'm being unaccepting of his sexuality and trying to coerce/guilt trip him into sex. At first, we thought I could just get sex elsewhere and he would be okay as long as I didn't emotionally cheat, but as soon as I went through with it he had an emotional reaction and said he didn't want to share me. So now I'm just celibate... can anyone with more experience than me give me some advice? I'm sorry if I'm bothering anyone.

[ryn2]

Welcome, @Neshama.  I love your icon!

 

There are a number of sexual posters here who are, or have been, in relationships (including marriages) with asexual people.  Some are poly, some are not.  Hopefully you’ll find their guidance helpful.

[LeChat]

Hi, and welcome, @Neshama. 

 

I just thought I'd echo @ryn2's comment about your avatar: it's a nice addition to the community's large number of cat avatars. 

 

I wish I had advice to give for this particular topic, but I feel @Telecaster68's post was a good summation of advice that's been given around the forum.

[Neshama]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the help! It's nice to know that the things I'm struggling with are not unique to me or my fault. Side note: why the cake?

[Anthracite_Impreza]

1 minute ago, Neshama said:

why the cake?

Cake is better than sex

[Neshama]

Oh. But then why not bacon or ice cream? Why cake specifically?

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I have no idea, maybe because it can be made vegan so everyone can have it? It's also easy to make into the ace colours.

[Neshama]

Okay. That makes sense. Sorry, I'm new to this community, so references might be unfamiliar to me.

[Xstatic]

21 hours ago, Neshama said:

I'm new to aven and I'm mostly here because my partner is asexual and I'm very much not, and I don't really know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex at all and anytime the compromise conversation comes up he says that he feels that I'm being unaccepting of his sexuality and trying to coerce/guilt trip him into sex. At first, we thought I could just get sex elsewhere and he would be okay as long as I didn't emotionally cheat, but as soon as I went through with it he had an emotional reaction and said he didn't want to share me. So now I'm just celibate... can anyone with more experience than me give me some advice? I'm sorry if I'm bothering anyone.

Well that seems entirely unfair.  Why should you be the only one having to compromise here?  You clearly desire more.  It sounds like he's the one that's unaccepting of your sexuality to be frank.

 

If you are okay being celibate, that's one thing, and entirely okay.  But if you're not, and he can't address that at all, you are going to wind up miserable.

[Neshama]

1 minute ago, ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

Well that seems entirely unfair.  Why should you be the only one having to compromise here?  You clearly desire more.  It sounds like he's the one that's unaccepting of your sexuality to be frank.

I don't know, it seems that the topic itself make him uncomfortable and I don't want to push him

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Neshama said:

Okay. That makes sense. Sorry, I'm new to this community, so references might be unfamiliar to me.

It’s a running in-joke/tradition/meme, but I haven’t been here long enough to know the history (whether it dates back to the founder, e.g.).

 

As someone who’s not a big cake fan I’d vote for ice cream too.  

[ryn2]

31 minutes ago, Neshama said:

I don't know, it seems that the topic itself make him uncomfortable and I don't want to push him

Is some help from a neutral third party (like, a couples counselor) an option?

[Neshama]

We're in high school and entirely broke... lol... I have to laugh or it's just sad...

[ryn2]

Just now, Neshama said:

We're in high school and entirely broke... lol... I have to laugh or it's just sad...

I don’t know where you live but some places offer free counseling to people that can’t afford to pay... but agreed that it may limit your options, especially as “but we have no money” may be a handy excuse for him to use to cover reluctance to talk about it.

[NickJ]

On 4/16/2019 at 9:35 PM, Neshama said:

I'm new to aven and I'm mostly here because my partner is asexual and I'm very much not, and I don't really know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex at all and anytime the compromise conversation comes up he says that he feels that I'm being unaccepting of his sexuality and trying to coerce/guilt trip him into sex. At first, we thought I could just get sex elsewhere and he would be okay as long as I didn't emotionally cheat, but as soon as I went through with it he had an emotional reaction and said he didn't want to share me. So now I'm just celibate... can anyone with more experience than me give me some advice? I'm sorry if I'm bothering anyone.

My advice to you is to talk to him, openly and honestly. I know how hard that can be, but it really is the only way forward. My wife and I avoided those conversations for years because they were hard and upsetting. But avoiding them did far more harm to our relationship than having them would have. 

 

I can’t tell you those conversations will end happily, but if you don’t have them it is only a matter of time until something breaks. 

 

I hope you can work things out, and find a compromise that suits both of you.

[Neshama]

Thanks, I took your advice and had the conversation! It was still kinda uncomfortable for him, but we got through it! Also, he is making me a LIST! 😍💗

 

[Xstatic]

There you go!  Awesome!  It will make everything soooooo much easier for the both of you.  🥰

[Neshama]

Thank you!