Sexual Compromise & Support

[asfi]

18 hours ago, Kat74 said:

Can I ask a question to you guys who are working on compromise? My husband recently told me he's graysexual, which he says helped explain for him why he struggles so much with me being capable of being attracted to other people. I don't think he realised how much he differed from the "norm" until he stumbled on the concept of graysexual. Problem is, he is REALLY angry & feels like the decades we've been married have been a lie because he thought I felt the same as him but I didn't. He is disgusted by my sexuality & no longer wants any physical contact, not even cuddling. Is it normal for aces/ graces to feel disgust or contempt towards their sexual/ demisexual partners? Is it a phase? Does it get better? Are there any suggestions on how to get past it & reach a compromise? I can live with minimal sex, I can't live without cuddles though, & can't bear that he feels my sexuality, which I am incapable of changing, is morally wrong. He is unwilling to talk as he is so angry, and just seems to want me to live with no physical contact at all. We used to be physically affectionate all the time & have great sex, so I know it ought to be possible to compromise. Thanks in advance x 

Aiiiiiiiie, this sounds horrifying. I can't even understand his response, let alone relate to it. I hope he snaps out of it soon.

 

[Disclosure: I'm gray/demi, my spouse is very sexual. I "came out" to her last week and she was supportive.]

 

[brassyhub]

We've had no sex, for years now. But we do still cuddle and hug, and sometimes kiss a little. But never really in a sexual way. But without that continued physical contact, I would have gone mad, or into suicidal depression. We were MADE to relate physically. We're not just minds and spirits!

[Nerodia1968]

18 hours ago, Kat74 said:

Can I ask a question to you guys who are working on compromise? My husband recently told me he's graysexual, which he says helped explain for him why he struggles so much with me being capable of being attracted to other people. I don't think he realised how much he differed from the "norm" until he stumbled on the concept of graysexual. Problem is, he is REALLY angry & feels like the decades we've been married have been a lie because he thought I felt the same as him but I didn't. He is disgusted by my sexuality & no longer wants any physical contact, not even cuddling. Is it normal for aces/ graces to feel disgust or contempt towards their sexual/ demisexual partners? Is it a phase? Does it get better? Are there any suggestions on how to get past it & reach a compromise? I can live with minimal sex, I can't live without cuddles though, & can't bear that he feels my sexuality, which I am incapable of changing, is morally wrong. He is unwilling to talk as he is so angry, and just seems to want me to live with no physical contact at all. We used to be physically affectionate all the time & have great sex, so I know it ought to be possible to compromise. Thanks in advance x 

Hello, Kat74

 

I'm more-or-less ace. I don't know whether it's "normal" for aces to feel disgust or contempt, but I know I did -- not so much toward my husband, but toward the sex act itself. I got so tired of satisfying him and getting nothing out of it that it led to our divorcing for 8 years. We found each other and remarried about a year ago. 

 

I now understand a couple of things that I didn't during our first go-round:

 

First, underneath the resentment and disgust was a deep feeling of grief/jealousy/feeling left out. When we had sex, he went to a delightful place where I couldn't follow him. This might be a peculiar button of mine, since the "left out" thing crops up in other areas of my life, so I wouldn't assume the same thing is going on with your husband.

 

Second, I came to understand that sex is a deep expression of his "love language", even if I don't comprehend it. For me, it's kind of like listening to your kid play a screechy new song on their violin. The sound might set your teeth on edge, but you listen because you love your child and your child loves you and wants to express their love to you.

 

So to answer your question, the disgust DID turn out to be a phase of sorts with me, but it took 10+ years, a BUTTLOAD of self-work, and TONS of patience -- from both of us -- to uncover this. And it still crops up. We are gradually working our way toward a compromise of "lemonade sex" (See my previous post in this thread). 

 

My advice to you -- if I may -- is to take a deep, deep breath, step back, and remember the big picture. If your marriage is a road, then you've just stumbled into a big ol' bump. The road doesn't have to end. It might get pretty rough for awhile as your husband works through his stored-up feelings, but you'll end up with a more transparent, honest relationship if you can hang in there.

 

Alternatively, maybe you can open up your relationship. Just a thought.

 

Wishing you well.

[GilHamilton]

18 hours ago, Kat74 said:

Can I ask a question to you guys who are working on compromise? My husband recently told me he's graysexual, which he says helped explain for him why he struggles so much with me being capable of being attracted to other people. I don't think he realised how much he differed from the "norm" until he stumbled on the concept of graysexual. Problem is, he is REALLY angry & feels like the decades we've been married have been a lie because he thought I felt the same as him but I didn't. He is disgusted by my sexuality & no longer wants any physical contact, not even cuddling. Is it normal for aces/ graces to feel disgust or contempt towards their sexual/ demisexual partners? Is it a phase? Does it get better? Are there any suggestions on how to get past it & reach a compromise? I can live with minimal sex, I can't live without cuddles though, & can't bear that he feels my sexuality, which I am incapable of changing, is morally wrong. He is unwilling to talk as he is so angry, and just seems to want me to live with no physical contact at all. We used to be physically affectionate all the time & have great sex, so I know it ought to be possible to compromise. Thanks in advance x 

I know a few aces IRL, Some find sex just meh, some are fully against any genital contact, some are completely aromantic (in that they have no interest in cuddling or romantic non-sexual endeavours of any kind).

I've not run into any that are horrified by someone else's sexuality. When you say he finds it 'morally' wrong, are you now thinking he believes everyone should be this way? Or just in relation to you?

My amateur opinion, not knowing any more than you have said, is that there's other issues than just sexuality. The was you describe it seems more a reaction to what he feels is a betrayal than anything else. He had his world view and he's angry that it's not what he thought it was. 

Maybe instead of talking about sex talk about that instead? Deal with the fact he feels he doesn't know you any more first. The sex discussion can come later. Because honestly? I can't see a relationship going on much longer if he feels disgusted with an aspect of you that's just as real and important as his sexuality is to him.

I wish you the best and hope it works out.

(For reference, I'm a polyamorous, romantic cismale partnered with a asexual, romantic cisfemale.)

[GilHamilton]

5 minutes ago, Nerodia1968 said:

Hello, Kat74

 

I'm more-or-less ace. I don't know whether it's "normal" for aces to feel disgust or contempt, but I know I did -- not so much toward my husband, but toward the sex act itself. I got so tired of satisfying him and getting nothing out of it that it led to our divorcing for 8 years. We found each other and remarried about a year ago. 

 

I now understand a couple of things that I didn't during our first go-round:

 

First, underneath the resentment and disgust was a deep feeling of grief/jealousy/feeling left out. When we had sex, he went to a delightful place where I couldn't follow him. This might be a peculiar button of mine, since the "left out" thing crops up in other areas of my life, so I wouldn't assume the same thing is going on with your husband.

 

Second, I came to understand that sex is a deep expression of his "love language", even if I don't comprehend it. For me, it's kind of like listening to your kid play a screechy new song on their violin. The sound might set your teeth on edge, but you listen because you love your child and your child loves you and wants to express their love to you.

 

So to answer your question, the disgust DID turn out to be a phase of sorts with me, but it took 10+ years, a BUTTLOAD of self-work, and TONS of patience -- from both of us -- to uncover this. And it still crops up. We are gradually working our way toward a compromise of "lemonade sex" (See my previous post in this thread). 

 

My advice to you -- if I may -- is to take a deep, deep breath, step back, and remember the big picture. If your marriage is a road, then you've just stumbled into a big ol' bump. The road doesn't have to end. It might get pretty rough for awhile as your husband works through his stored-up feelings, but you'll end up with a more transparent, honest relationship if you can hang in there.

 

Alternatively, maybe you can open up your relationship. Just a thought.

 

Wishing you well.

Ooh yes. Agree with all of this too.

[Nerodia1968]

18 hours ago, Kat74 said:

He is disgusted by my sexuality & no longer wants any physical contact, not even cuddling. 

P.S. -- For awhile, I was afraid that touching or cuddling of any kind would turn my husband on sexually, ultimately resulting in an unwanted romp in the bedroom. So I avoided that "slippery slope" like the plague. Dunno if that's maybe what's going on for your husband, too. 

 

Again, with a lot of very clear and open communication, my hubby and I were able to work this out, too. 

 

P.S.S. Take any outrageous things your husband might say with a healthy dose of salt while he works through his feelings. I said all kinds of crazy stuff while I was coming to terms with my asexuality. I am grateful that my husband is persistent sort, and he hung in there through all of that insanity.

[GilHamilton]

Compromise is hard for my wife and I. It's taken years to get to an equilibrium and, for her, sex is only possible with no pressure on her to have sex.

She doesn't like sex; except in rare occasions, she's not interested in genital contact at all. It took years for her to realize this about herself and longer for us to understand and accept it.

We're at a point where our relationship has cuddling and kissing but nothing sexual. Lemonade sex (great concept) is not an option, sadly. Partly because she's not into it, partly because my excitement is triggered by mutual attraction. Since I know she's not into it, it tends to shut me down as well.

We have allowed me to slowly and carefully experiment with having an open relationship - casual sex partners and potential polyamorous partners. That whole topic is a subject for elsewhere BUT...

The key point for here is that when I have an outside partner she knows is satisfying me sexually, she feels no pressure. She's initiated sex herself as a result. It's done a lot for us.

Your Mileage May Vary, of course. Non-monogamy is tough, and many people have valid reasons to not take that path. Just relating here in the hopes that it may help someone.

[GilHamilton]

Just now, Nerodia1968 said:

P.S. -- For awhile, I was afraid that touching or cuddling of any kind would turn my husband on sexually, ultimately resulting in an unwanted romp in the bedroom. So I avoided that "slippery slope" like the plague. Dunno if that's maybe what's going on for your husband, too. 

 

Again, with a lot of very clear and open communication, my hubby and I were able to work this out, too. 

Same with us. My wife would never kiss or touch for a while, worried that she was 'leading me on'. It's still something that we're dealing with.

[asfi]

On 2017-01-25 at 1:16 PM, Nerodia1968 said:

Here is a link to an infographic from Emily's blog. The infographic is awesome, but what blew me away was the following comment by Maeve and Emily's response at the bottom about "lemonade sex":

 

 

Link is broken, btw.

[asfi]

On 2017-01-25 at 1:16 PM, Nerodia1968 said:

Here is a link to an infographic from Emily's blog. The infographic is awesome, but what blew me away was the following comment by Maeve and Emily's response at the bottom about "lemonade sex":

Ah, this would be it:

the dual control model

 

And more generally, thanks for recommending Emily Nagoski. I'm sure I've seen her writing before but you've managed to drop me right into the really interesting stuff. I'll need to get ahold of her book soon, too.

[Kat74]

@GilHamilton, @Nerodia1968, @asfi & @brassyhub Thank you all so much for your responses. You've all helped reassure me that I'm not wrong to be concerned & upset by his feelings, yet given me some hope that there might still be a way. I think he always found other typical sexuals bizarre in that they would openly discuss attraction to other people in front of each other, but I think it's just me that's morally abhorrent to him. The way he's treated me lately is not OK, but I do believe that beneath his feelings of hurt he is still a good man, who needs my help. He's drinking heavily to help cope, and I've been trying to address that issue first, but I feel that the sexuality issue, and yes, he feels betrayed (although given I had no reason to believe he wasn't a typical heterosexual, I didn't perceive any problem), are the underlying cause of the drinking, so unless I can at least start breaking those down, he's going to want to keep drinking. 

 

So the background... We never spoke of celeb crushes, but having come from an abusive relationship & my self esteem in tatters, I thought he was just being sensitive. It wasn't until a guy I'd had a crush on since I was a kid died that I mentioned it, and he was totally fine & understanding about it, even with me joining a Facebook group where we'd share photos of him & share the crazy fact that we're actually really upset by someone we didn't even know dying. So when I was openly discussing a different celeb crush online some months later, I had no idea the fury it'd unleash, as I felt it was the just doing the same thing as before & anticipated being teased for it at worst. It still seems so trivial to me, but it's clearly not to him. He asks how I'd feel if it were the other way around. The truth is I wouldn't care. I'm secure in who I am & I know he loves me. He doesn't believe me. It's not like I wanted sex with either of them, or anyone other than my husband for that matter. I enjoy watching certain people on screen, and there's an attraction, but it's not sexual as such, there's no arousal or desire, just something somehow pleasing, sometimes almost compelling. I can't explain it, which is part of the problem I think. I'm not explaining it well, and he now perceives me as hypersexual & thinking about sex with every guy I see, maybe thinking about other men during sex. I'm not even that into looks, although my husband is by all accounts incredibly handsome. On the one hand, I feel that even if I were that way it'd be none of his business what goes on inside my head as long as I don't act on it, and I feel angry that he should want to control what I think & feel, but as it happens I'm probably demi myself, as the idea of sex with someone I'm not emotionally intimate with is repulsive, and attraction for me is based on characteristics like intellect, humour, confidence (so an actor who is attractive in one show is unattractive in another). I'm having a hard time expressing to him that as the continuum goes, I'm closer to him than he thinks. He's always been very black & white in his world view. 

 

I know I need to be patient & give him space, but I've been doing that for years already. I also feel I need to give him more practical support at this point too, as drinking & anger issues are increasing, and they will destroy us if I can't find a way to break through. At the same time as trying to deal with the drinking I'll try to keep communicating & make it clear that I need affection but that I'm not trying to have sex, just closeness while we work through this together. I would like sex again eventually, but I don't need lots. When he's in a slightly better place maybe he'd like to come on here himself. At the moment I think he'd resist the suggestion.

 

Sorry, I essayed again. I'm verbose. Can't seem to help that either ;-)

[GilHamilton]

6 hours ago, Kat74 said:

Sorry, I essayed again. I'm verbose. Can't seem to help that either ;-)

All good! Sharing helps us understand. 

 

You will need him to accept you and come to some level of understanding eventually. It will take time and lots of communication to get there. 

[flesh-pocket]

6 hours ago, Kat74 said:

but I do believe that beneath his feelings of hurt he is still a good man, who needs my help

this feels like a red flag to me, especially as you say you've been in an abusive relationship before. its not your job to fix him.

[Kat74]

You're absolutely right @flesh-pocket  and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate someone saying that. Alarmingly, a lot of alcohol addiction support advice seems to be "you mustn't leave them alone because...", which irritates the crap out of me. It is true to say that if I asked him to leave I'm afraid he would wind up killing himself, more likely due to negligence/ risky behaviour than suicide, but I definitely missed the window where a trial separation would be a wake up call. This is a final, comprehensive, wholehearted effort, for the longer term benefit of myself & my kids, not just for him, and acknowledging that short term, separation would make life easier for me & the kids. It will enable me to say in good conscience I did all I can, even if it doesn't work, even if they lose their daddy permanently. And if this doesn't work, as much as it will break my heart because he is my soulmate & for 15 years before kids he was my everything, I will have to face that it's over. But I am so, so glad you picked up on that. I wish people had realised back when I was in a terrible relationship before, because speaking up is so hard X 

[Sally]

Keep in mind that those of us whose parents finally divorced after years of trouble do not say that we wish they'd stayed together.  Especially when alcohol and anger were involved.

[Kat74]

I know, Sally. Thanks for the input. I am bearing that in mind. I have a timeframe. One way or another, this will end. 

[Nerodia1968]

16 hours ago, Kat74 said:

@GilHamilton

 

I know I need to be patient & give him space, but I've been doing that for years already. I also feel I need to give him more practical support at this point too, as drinking & anger issues are increasing, and they will destroy us if I can't find a way to break through. At the same time as trying to deal with the drinking I'll try to keep communicating & make it clear that I need affection but that I'm not trying to have sex, just closeness while we work through this together. I would like sex again eventually, but I don't need lots. When he's in a slightly better place maybe he'd like to come on here himself. At the moment I think he'd resist the suggestion.

It sounds like you have some tough questions to ask yourself:

 

1. Is there a chance that your husband will choose to continue to numb out (drink) instead of dealing with the issues driving his behavior?

2. Do you want to stick around while he figures this out?

3. Are you enabling him by doing so?

 

I struggled with alcoholism for many years as well, but ultimately, with the help of previous years of meditation, garnered enough strength to kick the habit and work on the underlying emotional issues, including my sexuality. However, again, it took a LOT of work, and I happened to be willing to do it; I can't guarantee the same choice for anyone else. 

 

Thankfully my partners were wiling to stick with me and provide shelter and emotional support. I still regret the hell I put my partners through while I was addicted. Sometimes I wish they had booted my ass out; maybe I would have awakened sooner.

 

Phew; you're in the jaws of the vice grip right now. Be kind to yourself. I'll be thinking of you, and it sounds like you have a ton of support here. 

 

 

[GilHamilton]

19 minutes ago, Nerodia1968 said:

It sounds like you have some tough questions to ask yourself:

 

1. Is there a chance that your husband will choose to continue to numb out (drink) instead of dealing with the issues driving his behavior?

2. Do you want to stick around while he figures this out?

3. Are you enabling him by doing so?

 

I struggled with alcoholism for many years as well, but ultimately, with the help of previous years of meditation, garnered enough strength to kick the habit and work on the underlying emotional issues, including my sexuality. However, again, it took a LOT of work, and I happened to be willing to do it; I can't guarantee the same choice for anyone else. 

 

Thankfully my partners were wiling to stick with me and provide shelter and emotional support. I still regret the hell I put my partners through while I was addicted. Sometimes I wish they had booted my ass out; maybe I would have awakened sooner.

 

Phew; you're in the jaws of the vice grip right now. Be kind to yourself. I'll be thinking of you, and it sounds like you have a ton of support here. 

 

 

I have no experience with dealing with alcoholism, but this all sounds good to me.

 

I will say ultimately you are responsible for you and your kids. Love makes you want to stay, but please, please try to watch for things going south.

[Koiley]

Hello,

I hope this thread is still active. I am a 19 y o trans guy in a relationship with a 19 y o asexual girl. We have been dating for 2 years now and a month or two ago she came out to me as asexual. I went through all the crappy emotions that one does when a big change has happened. Also worth mentioning I have autism so it was a bit harder recieved from my point of view. We'd been sexual up until this point so it was hard for me to cope with.

She has decided in no way is she willing to sexually compromise with me and I am struggling a bit. I have been trying to identify what it is about sex that I like, and finding that in other areas of our relationship. I find it to be an emotional bonding and a very big display of trust as I have low self esteem so it took me a while to be comfortable with it to begin with. 

She is ok with me going outside our relationship to fulfill my needs but i consider myself demisexual so it is very hard for me to do that. I am just kind of at a loss and would appreciate some guidance.

[GilHamilton]

1 hour ago, Koiley said:

Hello,

I hope this thread is still active. I am a 19 y o trans guy in a relationship with a 19 y o asexual girl. We have been dating for 2 years now and a month or two ago she came out to me as asexual. I went through all the crappy emotions that one does when a big change has happened. Also worth mentioning I have autism so it was a bit harder recieved from my point of view. We'd been sexual up until this point so it was hard for me to cope with.

She has decided in no way is she willing to sexually compromise with me and I am struggling a bit. I have been trying to identify what it is about sex that I like, and finding that in other areas of our relationship. I find it to be an emotional bonding and a very big display of trust as I have low self esteem so it took me a while to be comfortable with it to begin with. 

She is ok with me going outside our relationship to fulfill my needs but i consider myself demisexual so it is very hard for me to do that. I am just kind of at a loss and would appreciate some guidance.

Oh my friend, I'm so sorry for you. This is rough.

Direct talk though, for what it's worth.

On compromise: You need to ensure that you are getting what you need from this relationship. If not having a physical relationship with her is right for you. Look at all the other aspects - the emotional support, the companionship, the acceptance. Does she still cuddle, or is any physical relationship off the books? This ties into my next point:

On outside relationships: The Internet is full of information, good and bad. Since you are a demisexual, and I understand that to mean you need an emotional connection to someone to have physical interest, you would need to look into a polyamorous or 'friends with benefits' relationship. Both have their challenges, but can be overcome.

HOWEVER, the emotional impact of you having a not-just-physical connection with someone other than your partner may be hard for her to deal with, despite what she says now. I know that my wife and I have gone through several levels of this - she's far more comfortable with me just having casual sex outside the relationship than an emotional bond with someone else.

We deal with it with copious amounts of aftercare (where we ensure than any time I spend elsewhere is matched with quality time with each other), talking, and addressing bad feelings when they arise.

I always come back to the same advice: Have a long conversation about *love language*. What is it that you do for each other that truly says "love". Talk about what that is and make sure you are giving enough of it, especially with someone else in the picture.

For example:
I feel most loved when someone says, "I love you" or gives me physical contact in some intimate fashion. Gifts and gestures of love are wonderful, but they don't match up with someone just coming over and kissing me because they want to.
My wife is different. Gifts and gestures mean "I'm thinking of you, even when you are not here". She loves to be told I love her and to cuddle, but knowing I'm on her mind is way better.

So! Pursue a relationship outside your primary one, but keep talking and checking you are still filling her needs as well as your own.

 

It's a delicate balance but it can be done.

 

Thank you for being brave enough to share with us. 

[nanogretchen4]

I think you need to take some time to notice what is happening in your relationship right now and how you are feeling. You and your partner are at an age when people go through a lot of changes and self discovery, especially people with minority gender identities and/or minority sexual orientations. I think you should be willing to at least consider the possibility that the two of you just aren't compatible and that there may be other people out there for both of you. Some call me pessimistic, but actually I'm just optimistic about different things. I'm optimistic that break ups are totally survivable, and that people can bounce back from them and go on to live happy fulfilling lives. I'm optimistic that with a little bit of effort and persistence sexual and gender minorities can find or build their communities and find compatible partners. Furthermore, I believe that happiness in love does not have to be a zero sum game, and that if someone is right for you you can be happy without making them unhappy and vice versa. I'm just not optimistic that sex in a relationship is no big deal for sexuals, because that is so clearly not true in the vast majority of cases.

 

That said, if you are going to try to stick it out despite the reveal of an incompatible orientation, I think you should go to relationship counseling. If you hate my advice, no problem. But maybe take advice from a professional who has worked with a lot of couples going through relationship challenges.

 

[GilHamilton]

1 minute ago, nanogretchen4 said:

That said, if you are going to try to stick it out despite the reveal of an incompatible orientation, I think you should go to relationship counseling. If you hate my advice, no problem. But maybe take advice from a professional who has worked with a lot of couples going through relationship challenges.

 

Always a good idea!

[RAZS]

It's very difficult for me to consider our relationship a compromise.   I love her with all of my heart but in the last year I have found myself having a much more difficult time dealing with what feels like rejection.  She loves me.  I don't question that at all.  I also know that for the first 4 years of our relationship she was the one who compromised.  Every couple of months - which became once a year - which has become nothing.  It's been 3 years since she touched me.  It's been 2 years since she let me touch her.  It's been 20 months since the last time we shared a kiss that was anything but a quick peck.  I have learned to deal with this for the most part - every once in a while it overwhelms me and I have a good cry.  My problem is that I am a very affectionate person - and we've come to a place where she won't even give me that.  She won't even sit on the couch with me never mind snuggling.  Even at night if I roll over and curl up to her in my sleep she will push me away.  I've had to put extra pillows in between us to prevent this from happening as it makes me so sad.  I don't know what to do anymore.  She won't talk about it.  Every time I try she has laughed or brushed it off.  It's like my feelings don't even register with her on this subject.  I very seriously considered leaving her about 6 months ago because the honest truth is I don't know how to face the rest of my life without affection.  But I couldn't do it.  Honestly I don't know what to do anymore.  In every other way she is an amazing woman and we have an incredible relationship.  Burying my feelings is becoming more and more difficult all the time.  Without her my life would be so empty.  But this is taking a very real toll on me.

[Kat74]

@RAZS I feel like I'm in the same place. I keep holding on & waiting for something to change, but I might have to face the fact it's not going to & move on. I can't live without affection. It's so sad, because in most ways we're perfect for each other. I can't imagine being with anyone else, or anyone being nearly as perfect a match, but I think I might be less lonely alone :-(

[GilHamilton]

13 hours ago, RAZS said:

My problem is that I am a very affectionate person - and we've come to a place where she won't even give me that.  She won't even sit on the couch with me never mind snuggling.  Even at night if I roll over and curl up to her in my sleep she will push me away.  I've had to put extra pillows in between us to prevent this from happening as it makes me so sad.  I don't know what to do anymore.  She won't talk about it.  Every time I try she has laughed or brushed it off.  It's like my feelings don't even register with her on this subject. 

Oooooh I'm very sorry here. Honestly, I usually try to counsel people how to work things through but...there are so many red flags in what you say. 

 

I deeply hope I'm wrong but...everything you say sounds like like my first wife, who was *not* asexual but exhibited all these behaviours. And it was because she wanted it to end and was hoping I'd take the hint. 

 

Look, working out a relationship between any two people requires continual communication and management. Anytime anyone, in any kind of relationship, shuts down and shows no desire to be with the other, to discuss things...that sounds like it may really be over.

 

I think you need to have a brutal conversation with your partner. "Look, is this over? You don't want to talk and you don't seem to want to be with me at all." Cause this doesn't even sound like it's about sex any more.

 

I hope I'm wrong.

[GilHamilton]

6 hours ago, Kat74 said:

@RAZS I feel like I'm in the same place. I keep holding on & waiting for something to change, but I might have to face the fact it's not going to & move on. I can't live without affection. It's so sad, because in most ways we're perfect for each other. I can't imagine being with anyone else, or anyone being nearly as perfect a match, but I think I might be less lonely alone :-(

Waiting for a change never works. Changes come from conversation and understanding. 

I get what you are saying. My wife is perfect for me in all ways except this one. We share a mutual love of nerdy things, we have similar values and attitudes, we have amazing conversations. So it's worth working for compromise.

 

That is always your decision to make. Your partner should not feel guilty for not wanting sex, but you need to not feel guilty for wanting it. It's just how each of you is wired.

Talking, talking talking. Counseling, if the talking isn't helping, or if they never make the changes they said they would. And brutal honesty at this point. If one person is just telling the other what they want to hear, this won't work.

[brassyhub]

Not 'advice' but just sharing from my experience. My wife's 70, I'm 69. She's now an asexual lesbian (self-identified). I am a very frustrated heterosexual, who now wishes, longs, prays for his libido to face away. But if we'd both known where we were heading, would we, could we, have stayed together? For both of us, our sexuality has been an un-diluted curse, and not the blessing that it is meant to be.

[Kat74]

@GilHamilton I do totally hear you. I would love to go to counselling together, but he refuses. I'm going alone, but although it's helping me feel like I'm not the horrible person he made me feel that I am, it's not helping the communication with him either. I know he loves me & doesn't want it to end, & I guess that keeps me hanging on. The only realistic option, considering I can't force him to talk & even if I could I can't force him to be affectionate, is for me to end it, which isn't what I want. So I guess I'm not motivated to do something that is hard emotionally, practically & financially, when it's not what I want... No helping some people, huh? 😉 I really appreciate the support of everyone here. We both know that we might not make it. I guess I just don't have the strength to do something I don't want to do. Maybe it'll come in time. Meanwhile, thank you so much for letting me vent X 

[Speakeasy]

Hi everyone, I'm bisexual and I recently started dating an asexual woman. She expressed her sexuality to me before we started dating and although she's a very "touchy" and physical person, she has no interest in sex whatsoever. We've discussed having an open relationship and although she is completely fine with that, I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone who is not my partner. This unfortunately leads to sexual frustration for me and my girlfriend worries I'm not fulfilled. I'm not sure where to go from here and I was wondering if anyone in a mixed relationship has experienced the same thing or if anyone has advice or suggestions.

 

Thank you 😊

[Busrider]

Sorry to tell the obvious: You have to stay inside your comfort zone. So the only way to sex seems to sufficiently semi partner the 3rd person.