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On 12/6/2012 at 7:52 PM, veganvamp said:

I am an asexual dating a sexual. I am still trying to figure out how often is too often for me and how little is too little for my partner. I said I would compromise once a month, but to not count on me bringing it up because its not on my mind, obviously.

So far he has come to terms with my asexuality and he no longer pushes me for sex. Our relationship is better for it.

When I compromise, I usually have to mentally prepare myself throughout the day. Just so I am not surprised and even more resistant when the time comes, it is nice to know ahead of time. Which unfortunately takes the romance away from my partner. We don't have a perfect system yet, just communication! Which I learned from being on this forum :)

I'm a sexual. I can't have sex with my partner even though she is willing. To be honest it feels like rape. I have bought pillows to stop me from touching her in my sleep. She isn't bothered so she says but I feel bad

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anisotrophic
36 minutes ago, Switters said:

I can't have sex with my partner even though she is willing. To be honest it feels like rape.

Ask her to tie you up and then have sex with you? (Sorry, I’m hopelessly pragmatic.)

 

The repulsed stage is real, I remember pushing through it. Actually I remember attempting sex for a while & aborting and crying and he switched to comforting me. Dang. Those were the days... I’m glad I did that & he’s always been kind about it, he’s very indifferent about the chore, and I adapted to seeking charity.

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2 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Ask her to tie you up and then have sex with you? (Sorry, I’m hopelessly pragmatic.)

 

The repulsed stage is real, I remember pushing through it. Actually I remember attempting sex for a while & aborting and crying and he switched to comforting me. Dang. Those were the days... I’m glad I did that & he’s always been kind about it, he’s very indifferent about the chore, and I adapted to seeking charity.

 

2 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Ask her to tie you up and then have sex with you? (Sorry, I’m hopelessly pragmatic.)

 

The repulsed stage is real, I remember pushing through it. Actually I remember attempting sex for a while & aborting and crying and he switched to comforting me. Dang. Those were the days... I’m glad I did that & he’s always been kind about it, he’s very indifferent about the chore, and I adapted to seeking charity.

We have tried that. It has more to do with being a Harvey Weinstein. The idea of having sex with someone who doesn't want sex is too difficult for me. It would be like having sex with someone unconscious 

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anisotrophic
29 minutes ago, Switters said:

It has more to do with being a Harvey Weinstein. The idea of having sex with someone who doesn't want sex is too difficult for me.

I get it, but... at some point the ball is in your court, I guess? That's what I figured. I had a lot of therapy to get over having sex when my partner is willing-but-has-no-desire. I mean, it's not something anyone should have to adapt to, but I decided... I guess I decided if my partner is willing to have sex, I can adapt to being comfortable with his lack of desire for it.

 

I mean it's still sad, I cried last week for a half hour or so wondering if I'd ever experience someone I love that desires me... but usually I'm just tough on myself about it now, not everyone gets everything in life.

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1 minute ago, anisotrophic said:

I get it, but... at some point the ball is in your court, I guess? That's what I figured. I had a lot of therapy to get over having sex when my partner is willing-but-has-no-desire. I mean, it's not something anyone should have to adapt to, but I decided... I guess I decided if my partner is willing to have sex, I can adapt to being comfortable with his lack of desire for it.

 

I mean it's still sad, I cried last week for a half hour or so wondering if I'd ever experience someone I love that desires me... but usually I'm just tough on myself about it now, not everyone gets everything in life.

For me I just have to accept it. She loves me completely and I have realized this is us. I too am tough on myself and feel I need to be the bigger person. The way she touched me at the beginning will never happen again. We both know what she needed from me was different. I am looking for a pragmatic solution. 

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Just now, Switters said:

For me I just have to accept it. She loves me completely and I have realized this is us. I too am tough on myself and feel I need to be the bigger person. The way she touched me at the beginning will never happen again. We both know what she needed from me was different. I am looking for a pragmatic solution. 

It is a terrible thing. My mother and sister and every woman I have ever known has been assaulted. I was told the stories from an early age. So from pre-puberty I changed and trained myself. So now the idea of Bill Cosby or anyone is pretty much a nightmare for me. I'm one of the few guys going through puberty who has turned down sex. I feel really guilty getting an erection in bed with my wife. I slept naked most my life and can't now because I feel like I'm being that guy who rubs his crotch on women.  

 

When my wife and I met after I found out she had lied to me about her sexual history I took it the wrong way. I told her everything from the start which dwarfed her experiences. Thinking she needed me to help empower her. Like getting her to tie me up and blindfold me. But the truth is giving myself to her completely felt like playing backgammon to her. 

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2 minutes ago, Switters said:

It is a terrible thing. My mother and sister and every woman I have ever known has been assaulted. I was told the stories from an early age. So from pre-puberty I changed and trained myself. So now the idea of Bill Cosby or anyone is pretty much a nightmare for me. I'm one of the few guys going through puberty who has turned down sex. I feel really guilty getting an erection in bed with my wife. I slept naked most my life and can't now because I feel like I'm being that guy who rubs his crotch on women.  

 

When my wife and I met after I found out she had lied to me about her sexual history I took it the wrong way. I told her everything from the start which dwarfed her experiences. Thinking she needed me to help empower her. Like getting her to tie me up and blindfold me. But the truth is giving myself to her completely felt like playing backgammon to her. 

Are YOU satisfied with things?

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I'm beginning to get very sex repulsed again. To the point even a PG-13 scene of it in a movie can be too much. I'm looking through stuff and going "nope..nope.. why does everything have explicit minutes long sex and nude scenes...no...no...no..." I know why but not sure how to reset it again. Meh. 

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Go easy on yourself and give it time. Decreasing pressure... letting yourself off the hook for feeling differently at the moment... can definitely help. Sexuality is a fragile thing. Let the bud regrow. 

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re tv shows, I agree. I grew up on regular tv channels (not cable) so it's shocking to me watching certain tv shows/movies online that have that. Sometimes I can skip over them, other times I just look away. It just seems like filler to me.

 

Even some topics on aven are too much for me scrolling through Activity. I wish they had a filter so I'm not reading the more sexual topics. I try to skip over them but sometimes...

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10 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

Go easy on yourself and give it time. Decreasing pressure... letting yourself off the hook for feeling differently at the moment... can definitely help. Sexuality is a fragile thing. Let the bud regrow. 

I honestly dont know how to decrease pressure. I need to be perfect to win in my scenario. 

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43 minutes ago, Serran said:

I need to be perfect to win in my scenario. 

In what sense?  That sounds awfully stressful.

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On 1/7/2020 at 4:52 AM, Switters said:

I'm a sexual. I can't have sex with my partner even though she is willing. To be honest it feels like rape. I have bought pillows to stop me from touching her in my sleep. She isn't bothered so she says but I feel bad

I feel sorry for you. I understand your feelings, but still. It is sad to see when people struggle while the solution is in their grasp, but their personality makes it impossible to take it. Must be hard.

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44 minutes ago, Bzztoh said:

I feel sorry for you. I understand your feelings, but still. It is sad to see when people struggle while the solution is in their grasp, but their personality makes it impossible to take it. Must be hard.

I decided I could choose to be a "monster" or a "martyr", and that "martyr" would be the worse path. These aren't pleasant paths to choose between, but sometimes that's all life leaves us.

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9 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I decided I could choose to be a "monster" or a "martyr", and that "martyr" would be the worse path. These aren't pleasant paths to choose between, but sometimes that's all life leaves us.

Exactly. And I really don’t judge any choice. But I feel for a couple where one wants to give out of love and the other doesn’t want to take out of love. Tears in my eyes, really. But I am known to be to emotional :)

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Trigger warning: sexual acts mentioned

 

Hi, all!

 

I'm new to this site, but I'm thankful it's here. 

I'm a sexual married to an asexual. I didn't know he was asexual until we were married for a few years. When we sat down and really talked about it, I was extremely disappointed. It did, however, explain some things. We've tried different things here and there, to find a compromise. It definitely isn't for lack of trying! But he also has a few chronic conditions that have worsened over the years, so I wanted to stop. As we know, sex is a pretty physical act. When autoimmune conditions affect your joints and blood flow, it makes it damn near impossible. I've also tried to "top" him (since blood flows better while he's laying down), but a combination of my short legs with his wide hips and me not wanting to force anything onto him made that method ineffective. I've been really sad about it on and off for years. I'm sad for myself, although I try not to have a pity party too much about it. I'm also mad at myself because I feel like I don't appreciate my wonderful husband enough if I let this one little thing affect our-otherwise wonderful-lives. 

I'm sad for my husband, because he's very insecure about the whole thing, too. He watches me get sad about it a few times each year, and he feels helpless. I want so hard to fight those feelings so he won't have to re-live watching me suffer about it, because that's not fair to him at all. He will only feel at peace with himself once he knows I'm truly happy, and I desperately want to give that to him. He deserves it so much. I reassure him that he's not broken. He's not defective. He's perfect, and everything I need and more.

We have a great relationship otherwise-we're best friends. It's the best and most pure love I've ever felt. We love being around one another, and we're almost always touching when we're together. It's not for lack of physical attraction on his part, either. He calls me beautiful constantly and tries to boost my self-esteem. 

I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing...And that's the part that both makes me the saddest and makes me the most frustrated. We love each other to pieces. Why doesn't that feel like enough?? A love strong enough to change the world-and I'm so caught up on this little detail.

It's almost like I'll get really down about it, get busy and kind of forget about it for a couple of months (or try hard not to think about it), then it'll creep its way back into my mind, and the cycle repeats. I think it's from me not properly coping with it from the get-go, though. I almost feel like an easy way for us to be on the same page sexually would be for me to be physically unable to have sex. I feel like it would take the issue off of the board altogether. 

I keep trying to force the negative feelings down and force my brain to re-wire and think positively-which works for a little while, then it inevitably snaps back.

I tried to go to therapy about it, just to help me find better coping skills, and the therapist asked me if my husband had gone to therapy himself. She said that him being asexual "wasn't normal" and "something was wrong". I quickly snapped and talked about how there was nothing wrong with him and that me going to therapy in the first place was for me to find better ways to cope, not to point fingers. Needless to say, I'm looking for a new therapist. 

Not to be a negative Nancy either, but that's another tough thing. It's almost easier if it is someone's fault, like it gives you a target to blame and funnel all those negative feelings towards. In situations like these, when it's as fundamental as whether someone wants/likes or doesn't want/doesn't like sex, there's no one to blame. It's just different mental wiring, and neither perspectives are wrong or bad. 

My friends and family haven't been much help, either. They either shrug or say that they would've left him a long time ago, and that's not my goal at all.

He's an amazing person and he deserves the world. I just want to give both of us the life we want. We want to be happy together.

I guess I'm looking for some sense of community and guidance. 

Is it enough to suck it up and say "life's hard sometimes", and move on, putting on a happy face so your partner doesn't have to see you being sad?

If anyone is comfortable talking about it, could you share any compromises that you and your SO have come to? 

Also, how do you cope (in a healthy way) with all of the pent-up frustrations? 

 

If you've made it this far, I really appreciate you listening. I hope you're having an awesome day!! 

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On 1/12/2020 at 9:38 PM, anisotrophic said:

I decided I could choose to be a "monster" or a "martyr", and that "martyr" would be the worse path. These aren't pleasant paths to choose between, but sometimes that's all life leaves us.

Is the feeling of being a martyr freeing at all? Does it help?

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For a therapist look for a LGBT friendly one and ask them if they follow the DSM-V. More likely to find asexual friendly ones if they are LGBT positive in their practice. 

 

For the rest... you won't kill your orientation anymore than he will. You cant try to support his by trying to be negative about yours. You have to find a way to accept both of your sexualities within the relationship. Right now you both sound like you feel broken and... that's not it. You have differing needs. And it's a lot of hard work and hard truths to make that dynamic work. 

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@pansexual

How much of the issue do you think is physical, and how much is his lack of desire for sex?   If its mostly physical there may still be sexual things you can find to do.  If he is asexual then its unlikely anything can change. 

 

Its a very serious incompatibility and not something that will just go away.   I've been married for >30 years to a nearly-asexual woman and it never gets better.  The only thing that has helped is for me to completely give up hope. 

 

You can't change him.  You have the usual basic options of leave, open marriage (or cheating) of living celibate.   All those options suck, but I think they are what are open to you. 

 

I chose to stay - but it may have been the wrong decision.  Spending decade feeling an underlying resentment with the person you love is not a good choice.  So I'd ask for you to be completely honest with yourself: can you be *happy* like this for the rest of your life? 

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5 hours ago, pansexual said:

Is the feeling of being a martyr freeing at all? Does it help?

That's not the path I took.

I tried it a bit. I think… it felt like I had control. It's important to note that (a) he's indifferent, willing to have sex (because it makes me happy), and not facing much physical challenge with that, and (b) our relationship is technically open and he's been supportive of me looking elsewhere, but I didn't exercise that. I'm not rejecting it indefinitely, I just don't have the time and emotional capacity to explore it right now. I think it's significant, though, because it reduces pressure on both of us.

 

2 hours ago, Serran said:

For a therapist look for a LGBT friendly one and ask them if they follow the DSM-V. More likely to find asexual friendly ones if they are LGBT positive in their practice. 

Yes – this – I found my therapist because I wanted therapy to understand my gender identity. When she intro'd herself, she said she was LGBTQIA+ – and she was the one who brought up asexuality – I strongly recommend a therapist that is queer-focused. Accepting of this orientation and, more broadly, of diversity in sexuality and relationship styles as "normal" *and* has experience working with them.

Also a cautionary note: I also tried a therapist for joint therapy (with a parent) that claimed to be familiar with transgender, but it wasn't the focus of her work. It turned out she'd only had one (1!) trans patient, several years ago. The result was terrible IMHO. It's important to get someone who's active in the space (and thus familiar with the challenges, etc.), not just "familiar with it and supportive/accepting".

 

4 hours ago, Serran said:

For the rest... you won't kill your orientation anymore than he will. You cant try to support his by trying to be negative about yours. You have to find a way to accept both of your sexualities within the relationship. Right now you both sound like you feel broken and... that's not it. You have differing needs. And it's a lot of hard work and hard truths to make that dynamic work. 

This.

 

 

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On 1/17/2020 at 6:24 AM, Serran said:

For a therapist look for a LGBT friendly one and ask them if they follow the DSM-V. More likely to find asexual friendly ones if they are LGBT positive in their practice. 

 

For the rest... you won't kill your orientation anymore than he will. You cant try to support his by trying to be negative about yours. You have to find a way to accept both of your sexualities within the relationship. Right now you both sound like you feel broken and... that's not it. You have differing needs. And it's a lot of hard work and hard truths to make that dynamic work. 

Thank you! That helps a lot. I’m thinking in more of an acceptance mindset of both of our needs and finding a middle ground. I appreciate you!

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On 1/17/2020 at 9:30 AM, uhtred said:

@pansexual

How much of the issue do you think is physical, and how much is his lack of desire for sex?   If its mostly physical there may still be sexual things you can find to do.  If he is asexual then its unlikely anything can change. 

 

Its a very serious incompatibility and not something that will just go away.   I've been married for >30 years to a nearly-asexual woman and it never gets better.  The only thing that has helped is for me to completely give up hope. 

 

You can't change him.  You have the usual basic options of leave, open marriage (or cheating) of living celibate.   All those options suck, but I think they are what are open to you. 

 

I chose to stay - but it may have been the wrong decision.  Spending decade feeling an underlying resentment with the person you love is not a good choice.  So I'd ask for you to be completely honest with yourself: can you be *happy* like this for the rest of your life? 

Thank you! It does help to remember that I don’t want to change him-I want us to both be comfortable and happy and in our skins and our own sexualities. I’m working towards finding a good middle-ground for both of us 😃

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/17/2020 at 7:38 PM, pansexual said:

Trigger warning: sexual acts mentioned

 

Hi, all!

 

I'm new to this site, but I'm thankful it's here. 

I'm a sexual married to an asexual. I didn't know he was asexual until we were married for a few years. When we sat down and really talked about it, I was extremely disappointed. It did, however, explain some things. We've tried different things here and there, to find a compromise. It definitely isn't for lack of trying! But he also has a few chronic conditions that have worsened over the years, so I wanted to stop. As we know, sex is a pretty physical act. When autoimmune conditions affect your joints and blood flow, it makes it damn near impossible. I've also tried to "top" him (since blood flows better while he's laying down), but a combination of my short legs with his wide hips and me not wanting to force anything onto him made that method ineffective. I've been really sad about it on and off for years. I'm sad for myself, although I try not to have a pity party too much about it. I'm also mad at myself because I feel like I don't appreciate my wonderful husband enough if I let this one little thing affect our-otherwise wonderful-lives. 

I'm sad for my husband, because he's very insecure about the whole thing, too. He watches me get sad about it a few times each year, and he feels helpless. I want so hard to fight those feelings so he won't have to re-live watching me suffer about it, because that's not fair to him at all. He will only feel at peace with himself once he knows I'm truly happy, and I desperately want to give that to him. He deserves it so much. I reassure him that he's not broken. He's not defective. He's perfect, and everything I need and more.

We have a great relationship otherwise-we're best friends. It's the best and most pure love I've ever felt. We love being around one another, and we're almost always touching when we're together. It's not for lack of physical attraction on his part, either. He calls me beautiful constantly and tries to boost my self-esteem. 

I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing...And that's the part that both makes me the saddest and makes me the most frustrated. We love each other to pieces. Why doesn't that feel like enough?? A love strong enough to change the world-and I'm so caught up on this little detail.

It's almost like I'll get really down about it, get busy and kind of forget about it for a couple of months (or try hard not to think about it), then it'll creep its way back into my mind, and the cycle repeats. I think it's from me not properly coping with it from the get-go, though. I almost feel like an easy way for us to be on the same page sexually would be for me to be physically unable to have sex. I feel like it would take the issue off of the board altogether. 

I keep trying to force the negative feelings down and force my brain to re-wire and think positively-which works for a little while, then it inevitably snaps back.

I tried to go to therapy about it, just to help me find better coping skills, and the therapist asked me if my husband had gone to therapy himself. She said that him being asexual "wasn't normal" and "something was wrong". I quickly snapped and talked about how there was nothing wrong with him and that me going to therapy in the first place was for me to find better ways to cope, not to point fingers. Needless to say, I'm looking for a new therapist. 

Not to be a negative Nancy either, but that's another tough thing. It's almost easier if it is someone's fault, like it gives you a target to blame and funnel all those negative feelings towards. In situations like these, when it's as fundamental as whether someone wants/likes or doesn't want/doesn't like sex, there's no one to blame. It's just different mental wiring, and neither perspectives are wrong or bad. 

My friends and family haven't been much help, either. They either shrug or say that they would've left him a long time ago, and that's not my goal at all.

He's an amazing person and he deserves the world. I just want to give both of us the life we want. We want to be happy together.

I guess I'm looking for some sense of community and guidance. 

Is it enough to suck it up and say "life's hard sometimes", and move on, putting on a happy face so your partner doesn't have to see you being sad?

If anyone is comfortable talking about it, could you share any compromises that you and your SO have come to? 

Also, how do you cope (in a healthy way) with all of the pent-up frustrations? 

 

If you've made it this far, I really appreciate you listening. I hope you're having an awesome day!! 

So I'm in a similar position. And probably gen x? I haven't found the magic bullet. We are still working on it. To be honest what you have had great help. Where you are from makes things different unfortunately. Where I am from professional help basically told me to piss off and die. In other places I got help and support. You seem to want to find a path forward. I'm sorry I don't have one but I'm really happy to be a sounding board. 

 

YOU have an awesome day

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On 1/11/2020 at 11:27 PM, CBC said:

@Switters You know you can just start typing in the reply box, yeah? You don't need to quote yourself every time. It's confusing to read.

I sooo agree. But I have no such box here. God I'd love that

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