Sexual Compromise & Support

[GLRDT]

1 hour ago, Apostle said:

And when you don't have sex because you are not in the mood (very common with women) then have you thought about how your partner REALLY thinks about this..........how he may take it as rejection?

Well, yeah. I constantly think about how he's feeling even more than he actually expresses. But I'm trying to open his thoughts up more and get more specifics out of him. I

[cupid69]

3 hours ago, GLRDT said:

Well, yeah. I constantly think about how he's feeling even more than he actually expresses. But I'm trying to open his thoughts up more and get more specifics out of him. I

I had the same issue with my partner but eventually gave up. Some people just don't respond and one has to move on or else you'd go nuts. I find that what makes it difficult is that my SO is perfect for me in so many other ways, just not physical. 

[MrDane]

On 12/1/2018 at 7:09 AM, Momma6 said:

After 16 years of marriage to an asexual, ten with absolutely no sex or even touching at all, I finally confronted my husband today after hearing him masturbate in the bathroom, with the suggestion we have a problem. While I ranted and raved he seemed genuinely sorry and yet surprised at my feelings. To him we have a great marriage, are best of friends and enjoy the same things. He has no desire at all for sex although I now know occasionally he needs a bodily release. And that’s all he views it as. I had no idea he was asexual but thought he was just a perfect gentleman before marriage.  I feel foolish I let this situation exist for so long without talking about it and let myself feel more and more worthless and unwanted. He really does love me I know, but I can’t see how this marriage can possibly be saved.  It’s a relief though to be able to put a name to who he is rather than blaming myself for not being thin enough, pretty enough, etc. 

Yup, it is odd how long someone can wait and not grap the problem by its roots and yank it up. I do the same. Waddle around it and dont adress it. Why? Perhaps a fear of either hurting or getting hurt or losing the good stuff?

[blue dog]

On 12/17/2017 at 9:56 PM, IronHamster said:

I'm just not into having sex with my wife anymore.  We make a great team for other things, but I have found I need a partner that is into me in ways that my wife is just not.  Concentrating on what we do best, and ending discussions about scheduling and frequency and what is enough and what is too much relieves us of a lot of points of contention.  

 

On 12/17/2017 at 3:00 PM, MrDane said:

If sex was completely off the table between me and my ace-wife?

Idont think my wife would find it that interesting to watch and it would bug me to have her sitting there, while I stilldesired sex with her more, than with the hottie in front of me.  I would, in that case, rather do it behind closed doors. 

yes if my best friend was hammering my wife id rather not watch, i think i would leave the room and go watch netflix

[MrDane]

5 hours ago, Apostle said:

Mr Dane, your actions come across to me as someone engaging with a prostitute (with no payments exchanged). Sex should be a bringing together of two (or in some cases more) people, willingly and with a desire to please each other physically. Your arrangement sounds very business like to me and could psychologically damage one or both of you for life!

Ha, yes I see your point there @Apostle. It is kind of like a businesslike agreement. To some extend it is cost-benefit? We fuck as long as she isnt bothered by it, neither frequency nor actions. And in a way which, when beforementioned is in place, can releive me of stress and depression. And at the good sessions, she likes/enjoys the very sex and would like it to continue. My constant job is to prioritize her above me, but still being honest about what my sexuality is. 

the desire part is difficult to get over. She is is asexual and that is defined as ‘not feeling desire’ ever. Nothing you can do there, but make it as good an agreement as possible. The warmth and love comes in as she wants to give me this feeling. It is just better, less stressful, for her when sexyness is not involved. Regarding hierarchy, I do not get the feeling of being superior. But quite often I feel like I am an underdog who needs to be thrown a bone once in a while, if it fits my master and gatekeeper. I love her and she loves me. We respect eachother. We just dont express it the same way. To her it is done out of love, but it is not a way of communicating/expressing love. To me, it is an act, where I feel connected and intimate with her. About sex, I have moved closer to listening to her concerns/stress and take care of not trespassing, this is done with love.

if I were to buy the ‘prostitue-analogy’ then I think she should need my love and only get it if she performed. This is not the case. She gets plenty. 

[cupid69]

17 hours ago, MrDane said:

Ha, yes I see your point there @Apostle. It is kind of like a businesslike agreement. To some extend it is cost-benefit? We fuck as long as she isnt bothered by it, neither frequency nor actions. And in a way which, when beforementioned is in place, can releive me of stress and depression. And at the good sessions, she likes/enjoys the very sex and would like it to continue. My constant job is to prioritize her above me, but still being honest about what my sexuality is. 

the desire part is difficult to get over. She is is asexual and that is defined as ‘not feeling desire’ ever. Nothing you can do there, but make it as good an agreement as possible. The warmth and love comes in as she wants to give me this feeling. It is just better, less stressful, for her when sexyness is not involved. Regarding hierarchy, I do not get the feeling of being superior. But quite often I feel like I am an underdog who needs to be thrown a bone once in a while, if it fits my master and gatekeeper. I love her and she loves me. We respect eachother. We just dont express it the same way. To her it is done out of love, but it is not a way of communicating/expressing love. To me, it is an act, where I feel connected and intimate with her. About sex, I have moved closer to listening to her concerns/stress and take care of not trespassing, this is done with love.

if I were to buy the ‘prostitue-analogy’ then I think she should need my love and only get it if she performed. This is not the case. She gets plenty. 

Good for you! I'm probably just jealous of your arrangement.

[GLRDT]

22 hours ago, Apostle said:

I had the same issue with my partner but eventually gave up. Some people just don't respond and one has to move on or else you'd go nuts. I find that what makes it difficult is that my SO is perfect for me in so many other ways, just not physical. 

Well we haven't had a real deep talk about what he wants sexually and stuff. I just ask him little things every now and then and he answers simply or vaguely because I don't think he's thought about it or ever had to. So I'm going in with a plan and he's willing to talk about it especially if I'm guiding us through it and asking the questions and hearing the answers we both need to hear for each other. I'm sorry your SO was less willing.

[cupid69]

1 hour ago, GLRDT said:

Well we haven't had a real deep talk about what he wants sexually and stuff. I just ask him little things every now and then and he answers simply or vaguely because I don't think he's thought about it or ever had to. So I'm going in with a plan and he's willing to talk about it especially if I'm guiding us through it and asking the questions and hearing the answers we both need to hear for each other. I'm sorry your SO was less willing.

My view on life is that you only get one go at it. I had 3 very young children when things started to unravel. I stayed for them and haven't regretted it as I know in my heart that the family unit is crucial to their upbringing, mental health and physical wellbeing. I sacrificed my sexuality for them. After all, sex is actually a small part of a longer term relationship though I do miss cuddles and hugs.

Sigh Wish there was a teardrop emoji.

[Deprivedsnakeskin101]

On 08/12/2012 at 1:09 PM, Lady Girl said:

One thing I've noticed that might give me the most difficulty, is a monthly lapse in composure. It seems to be hormone related...I do a lot of crying and for some reason focus on the relationship and the lack of sexual intimacy in it. I know it makes my husband feel bad, and I often say things that I don't even believe are true myself (like, "you just don't care"). Anyway, I always regret having been so vocal, and think to myself "that is the last time I'm going to do that". I really wish I could break away from that, it feels so pointless and detrimental overall.

I too do this. I cry so much and crave that intamacy I dont know how to compromise what I need. I know I say things that make my partner sad but I just dont know how else to express myself 

[Lady Girl]

15 hours ago, Deprivedsnakeskin101 said:

I too do this. I cry so much and crave that intamacy I dont know how to compromise what I need. I know I say things that make my partner sad but I just dont know how else to express myself 

This rarely happens anymore, if ever. I ended up doing the bulk of the compromising and gave up sex completely. I guess since I know it’s not going to happen there’s nothing left to cry about.

 

But how you feel is exactly how I used to feel...totally angry, helpless, and frustrated.

[uhtred]

One of the great difficulties in a sexual / near-asexual relationship from the point of view of the sexual person in the feeling of unfairness / unbalance. 

 

My wife rarely wants sex and when she does, there is just a very limited set of  things she wants to do.  I enjoy sex and am open to a wide range of activities. So what inevitably happens is that sex is when she wants and what she wants.  Then to add insult to injury she feels like she has done me a great favor by having sex at all.

 

It is each of us acting according to the way we are sexually wired, but the effect is of completely one-sided control of our sex lives. 

[cupid69]

On 2/1/2018 at 4:45 PM, uhtred said:

One of the great difficulties in a sexual / near-asexual relationship from the point of view of the sexual person in the feeling of unfairness / unbalance. 

 

My wife rarely wants sex and when she does, there is just a very limited set of  things she wants to do.  I enjoy sex and am open to a wide range of activities. So what inevitably happens is that sex is when she wants and what she wants.  Then to add insult to injury she feels like she has done me a great favor by having sex at all.

 

It is each of us acting according to the way we are sexually wired, but the effect is of completely one-sided control of our sex lives. 

As I've stated before, bad sex is worse than no sex. Have you talked to your wife about her feelings and your perceived rejection? It depends on what you mean about rarely having sex as well. Once a month, once every 6 months? Regular sex for a sexual is the glue to cement a relationship. This does not figure for an asexual so you both really need to discuss what you want from your relationship. Does your wife know that you are on this website for example, seeking some solace or advice?

 

[uhtred]

2 hours ago, Apostle said:

As I've stated before, bad sex is worse than no sex. Have you talked to your wife about her feelings and your perceived rejection? It depends on what you mean about rarely having sex as well. Once a month, once every 6 months? Regular sex for a sexual is the glue to cement a relationship. This does not figure for an asexual so you both really need to discuss what you want from your relationship. Does your wife know that you are on this website for example, seeking some solace or advice?

 

No,  she doesn't know I'm here. She thinks its normal for couples to very rarely have sex and doesn't see anything unusual.  She is not completely asexual,  but just sees sex as very low importance, something she is occasionally OK doing, but can also go for months without.   She thinks "normal" people aren't interested in sex much. She knows that I would like more frequent sex but views it as "all men want sex",  but thinks that generally women don't.  That all the sex-stuff in movies and stories is basically made up  / exaggerated.  So, not really asexual, but has some of the attitudes toward sex that some asexuals have so I'm here getting different viewpoints. 

 

 

[cupid69]

23 hours ago, uhtred said:

No,  she doesn't know I'm here. She thinks its normal for couples to very rarely have sex and doesn't see anything unusual.  She is not completely asexual,  but just sees sex as very low importance, something she is occasionally OK doing, but can also go for months without.   She thinks "normal" people aren't interested in sex much. She knows that I would like more frequent sex but views it as "all men want sex",  but thinks that generally women don't.  That all the sex-stuff in movies and stories is basically made up  / exaggerated.  So, not really asexual, but has some of the attitudes toward sex that some asexuals have so I'm here getting different viewpoints. 

 

 

Hmm? I wonder where she got the idea from that all men want sex? Many do but to varying degrees, just like asexuals don't generally like sex but to varying degrees of acceptance and 'compromise'. There appears to be something embedded in her mind, perhaps from a previous relationship? I'm only guessing here as I don't know your relationship but could you ask a female friend to maybe have a chat with her and get some feedback? At least you may have something to work with to try and resolve your differences. 

[uhtred]

5 hours ago, Apostle said:

Hmm? I wonder where she got the idea from that all men want sex? Many do but to varying degrees, just like asexuals don't generally like sex but to varying degrees of acceptance and 'compromise'. There appears to be something embedded in her mind, perhaps from a previous relationship? I'm only guessing here as I don't know your relationship but could you ask a female friend to maybe have a chat with her and get some feedback? At least you may have something to work with to try and resolve your differences. 

Her mother was very old fashioned (and I"m talking old fashion for someone born in the 20s (!!!).   Your idea is good, but I don't really have any female friends where it would be appropriate to bring up this sort of issue.     

[Sally]

For those who don't have children they feel prevent a separation, why do you stay in a relationship that is so frustrating, and for which there seems no change possible?   That's a real quesiton:  Why stay?

[cupid69]

33 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

The same reasons as asexuals stay, I imagine.

 

Personally, apart from the positives that are still there, a combination of financial reasons and inertia at the thought of upending 18 years of shared life.

I stayed mainly as our relationship was not really toxic in any way and I wanted to be there for my children, who were very young at the time of events unfolding. I balanced up the positives and negatives of my relationship and the positives outweighed the negatives. That's not to say I'm happy with being a sexual hermit though, far from it. The pebble in the shoe is always there.

[Ousel]

17 hours ago, Sally said:

For those who don't have children they feel prevent a separation, why do you stay in a relationship that is so frustrating, and for which there seems no change possible?   That's a real quesiton:  Why stay?

I stayed in a toxic relationship because I have health challenges that make it difficult to find work that is accessible. So, financial reasons. Also, I really did love them. I hoped they would change, blah blah. Then I got alimony. Now I'm free to re-write my life, do work I love, and can physically commit to. Otherwise, I would have been homeless. 

[King Coco]

I'm in my first serious relationship with an asexual, and honestly a lot of this thread resonates with me. I've felt everything that you guys have: anger, body image issues, frustration, anxiety, apathy, resentment, depression, self-hate, loneliness, and every other emotion that you don't want to feel in a relationship. I've been searching basically everywhere I can search for advice on dealing with our different drives; whether that be how to compromise, how to make it more enjoyable for him, how to deal with the rejection and frustration, so on. I'm still not really sure what to do. I briefly considered taking anti-androgens to knock out my sex drive just so that it would stop bothering me, but that's a permanent change and I honestly do not want to lose the ability to enjoy sex. 

 

I feel like what it has boiled down to is the feeling of being desired. I mean, I know there are plenty of other ways that he desires me, but sexually it is really lacking and the fact that it it so barely present only makes it easier to dwell on it. I want nothing more in the relationship than for him to want me as much as I want him, and I really don't want to think that that will always be nothing but a fantasy. I constantly worry that I seem like some kind of oversexed animal to him or that he thinks less of me for caring about sex so much, but from my eyes I see it as basically another form of physical intimacy or affection. It's not just a fun bonding activity to me, it's a way to express your love and trust in someone, and relationships without it just seem... almost lifeless to me. I'm not really sure how to put the way I feel into terms that aces, my boyfriend included, can relate to. 

 

I don't really have a point with this post. I just wanted to ramble and get stuff off my chest.

[MrDane]

On 7/2/2018 at 1:27 AM, Sally said:

For those who don't have children they feel prevent a separation, why do you stay in a relationship that is so frustrating, and for which there seems no change possible?   That's a real quesiton:  Why stay?

...because of mutual love and commitment? 

[uhtred]

On 2/6/2018 at 4:27 PM, Sally said:

For those who don't have children they feel prevent a separation, why do you stay in a relationship that is so frustrating, and for which there seems no change possible?   That's a real quesiton:  Why stay?

For me it was frog-in-a-pot.  (which apparently doesn't really work).  Get into a relationship.  There is real love and affection but minimal sex. Inexperience + love + hope that things will get better.  Lots of "patience" because we are told to be patient with people we love. There isn't zero sex, so whenever it happens I convince myself that things are finally better - its what I *want* to believe. From her end the lack of sex is nothing general - each time is for some very specific reason, but she thinks it will get better.  As I realize that there is no hope, some how many many years have gone by and it is just too late to leave. 

[uhtred]

10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Someone actually tried it?

 

Why is too late though?

I've "heard" (probably on the "internet" so it must be true) that the frog in a pot doesn't really work, the frog jumps out. 

 

Too late because when you have spent enough of your life together it becomes emotionally impossible to leave.  It would also hurt my partner and despite the lack of sex I love her.

[uhtred]

2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Slightly playing devil's advocate here, but isn't that demonstrating that sex actually isn't important in a relationship?

Important isn't binary. For some people sex is not the most important thing, but its still very important. 

 

We have had brief times where our sex lives were good.  I was happy - something I rarely get to experience. But she is happy because she doesn't realize what is wrong or believe how it affects me. 

[uhtred]

4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Have you discussed it with her? What did she say, if so?

Oh yes.  She sees my desire for sex as selfish and unreasonable,  and doesn't think "normal" couples have sex very often. Thinks sex scenes in movies / TV are basically made-up. 

 

She is not really asexual, but some of her actions and attitudes seem reminiscent of those of some asexuals which is why I am here.  There are a number of asexuals who really don't "get" sex - they can't really understand why it is important to other people.   Not painting all asexuals with that brush BTW. 

[anamikanon]

My partner is asexual-ish. He is definitely capable of enjoying sex and has even initiated, but it is a very laid back thing. Low sex drive, if not outright asexual. In comparison with him, I am very sexual. I don't need sex, per se, but I'm fairly trigger happy, so to say or am even happy to masturbate myself to sleep if I'm stressed or bored or just "why not". This, needless to say is too frequent for him. It helps that I've been through asexual phases, so understand completely the desire to NOT have sex. Bad experiences with a previous partner have given me a healthy revulsion for forcing a reluctant partner and I'm more likely to jump off the bed in horror if I find myself pushing him into things he doesn't want. In some ways, I think it frees him to explore his own engagement without being committed to the lack of interest, because he knows for sure he can back off any time and I will never force him.

 

He is capable of enjoying sex, but it has to be infrequent. How in/frequent depends on other factors. He needs to be in a mindspace for sex or he isn't horny. At all. So if work is stressful or he has something on his mind, sex is out. On the other hand, if all is going well, and we've been doing something together that day that was very enjoyable, sex can feel like a natural extension. This is very rare, but very special. He doesn't quite see sex in the same way as I do, but that is ok. I don't see sex the way he does either...

 

One thing I have found is that him being a very affectionate person otherwise and a champion cuddler helps. We don't compromise so much as go our own ways when our sexual directions don't match. He can turn on his side and fall asleep while I whip out a vibrator for some recreational sex. No harm, no foul. He can often be persuaded when I'm horny, because once in the mood he does enjoy it more often than not, so he's willing to "see where it goes" till it clicks and I'm willing to drop it if it doesn't. We have discovered that if there is zero pressure to take sex to its logical conclusion, the chances of him being interested improve dramatically.

 

The one thing we do have in common about sex is that sex with each other is fun because it is with each other. So, we don't do it when it isn't fun. He is also fantastic at pleasuring me without wanting an orgasm or even being horny. He accepts my sexuality and enjoys my pleasure. That works too. And, in fact, can work better because there is no worry about a mighty penis with an agenda and time limit on interest once it gets started

 

Most of the time, it works well. Very well. He seems to see it as an extension of cuddling or a massage if his own sex drive is not involved and can see me through happily. If I am just horny, I don't mind doing myself and not involving him. I can always cuddle all I want for the "wanting him" part of it. I don't really have issues with him seeing me all unravelled while he's fairly "normal". He's seen me like that. He likes seeing me like that, even though he isn't in the same place. He's happy for me, and I believe him, because it matches his actions.

 

The times when it doesn't ..... usually times when we are both stressed. I tend to want closeness and he tends to want space. So basically, one person's needs for recovering get met. Usually his, because well, consent and all that. With a normal partner, at a time like this, sex would be subdued, but life affirming and special. With him, not a chance. Moments when I "need" sex to feel close, loved and to take my mind off things I can't help are the times when he is in absolutely no space to even think of sex and he'd feel cornered and repulsed if I brought it up. I have to accept that. There is no such thing as a perfect partner. As long as the whole is enriching, I don't want to quibble the details.

 

Such is life. Given that the good times are good enough to blow even sexual couples out of the water, I don't care that the bad times aren't.

 

Worst comes worst, I'm poly in belief, though not practice and he's poly-friendly, but monogamous by choice. I could always have another partner for sex if things got so bad that I absolutely can't do without sex - don't see this as likely. If I have another partner, it will be for love too, and this one has set the bar pretty high.

 

Can you make out I'm happily sated? I suppose I'll be more cranky about this another day.

[MinervaRose]

On 10.2.2018 at 7:01 PM, King Coco said:

I'm in my first serious relationship with an asexual, and honestly a lot of this thread resonates with me. I've felt everything that you guys have: anger, body image issues, frustration, anxiety, apathy, resentment, depression, self-hate, loneliness, and every other emotion that you don't want to feel in a relationship. I've been searching basically everywhere I can search for advice on dealing with our different drives; whether that be how to compromise, how to make it more enjoyable for him, how to deal with the rejection and frustration, so on. I'm still not really sure what to do. I briefly considered taking anti-androgens to knock out my sex drive just so that it would stop bothering me, but that's a permanent change and I honestly do not want to lose the ability to enjoy sex. 

 

I feel like what it has boiled down to is the feeling of being desired. I mean, I know there are plenty of other ways that he desires me, but sexually it is really lacking and the fact that it it so barely present only makes it easier to dwell on it. I want nothing more in the relationship than for him to want me as much as I want him, and I really don't want to think that that will always be nothing but a fantasy. I constantly worry that I seem like some kind of oversexed animal to him or that he thinks less of me for caring about sex so much, but from my eyes I see it as basically another form of physical intimacy or affection. It's not just a fun bonding activity to me, it's a way to express your love and trust in someone, and relationships without it just seem... almost lifeless to me. I'm not really sure how to put the way I feel into terms that aces, my boyfriend included, can relate to. 

 

I don't really have a point with this post. I just wanted to ramble and get stuff off my chest.

It is ok to rant, and I hope you find some solace in knowing that you are not alone. I can relate to this, and I can give a suggestion as to what I did with my asexual boyfriend. Please ignore my unsolicited advice if it doesn't resonate  In our relationship we've discussed what is known as 'love-language', and I used this as a point of reference to illustrate in what ways the physical intimacy made me feel, and in what ways it is important and matters to me. Because as he loves me, he has his ways of showing love and feeling loved. For instance, he enjoys just sitting next to each other, we don't even need to do the same thing. But having the experience of shared space, shared time and feeling relaxed makes him feel really happy, and he feels loved when we do this together. Or he really enjoys cooking for me, and it makes him feel good to be able to do things like that for me. So I referenced his love-language as a way of explaining how and in what ways the physical intimacy mattered to me. And he understands this, and we've changed how we speak of our physical relations, referring to it as 'making love' instead of sex, just because that is truly what the 'activity' is. We are sharing our love physically, and he understands it as a way of loving me, and an important way for me to feel loved.

 

He acknowledged he was an ace about a year and a half ago, and we have a really great relationship. We have found common ground. Where we both compromise without compromising ourselves. Which is incredibly important for the both of us, and we continue talking about it and communication is key. I would say for the last year or so things have been really great  <3

[anamikanon]

On 10/02/2018 at 11:31 PM, King Coco said:

I'm in my first serious relationship with an asexual, and honestly a lot of this thread resonates with me. I've felt everything that you guys have: anger, body image issues, frustration, anxiety, apathy, resentment, depression, self-hate, loneliness, and every other emotion that you don't want to feel in a relationship. I've been searching basically everywhere I can search for advice on dealing with our different drives; whether that be how to compromise, how to make it more enjoyable for him, how to deal with the rejection and frustration, so on. I'm still not really sure what to do. I briefly considered taking anti-androgens to knock out my sex drive just so that it would stop bothering me, but that's a permanent change and I honestly do not want to lose the ability to enjoy sex. 

 

I feel like what it has boiled down to is the feeling of being desired. I mean, I know there are plenty of other ways that he desires me, but sexually it is really lacking and the fact that it it so barely present only makes it easier to dwell on it. I want nothing more in the relationship than for him to want me as much as I want him, and I really don't want to think that that will always be nothing but a fantasy. I constantly worry that I seem like some kind of oversexed animal to him or that he thinks less of me for caring about sex so much, but from my eyes I see it as basically another form of physical intimacy or affection. It's not just a fun bonding activity to me, it's a way to express your love and trust in someone, and relationships without it just seem... almost lifeless to me. I'm not really sure how to put the way I feel into terms that aces, my boyfriend included, can relate to. 

 

I don't really have a point with this post. I just wanted to ramble and get stuff off my chest.

I used to struggle a lot with not feeling desired by him. It was very stormy. I felt taken for granted. I felt unloved. I didn't care about the sex, but "what do you mean you want to spend your life with me, but don't seem to desire me?" kind of thing. I was very skeptical that he actually loved/desired me. It took a while, but I learned to see his desire in the ways it manifested rather than in the ways it didn't. Him wanting my company, us discussing everything under the sun years into our relationship and well, champion cuddler. No such thing as me wanting to be held and him not being interested.

 

The sex remained tense till one day I decided to be selfish. Till then, during sex, my focus mostly was on his pleasure - because it was so rare, and because I thought that if he enjoyed sex more, he'd want it more. He enjoyed it just fine. It was no sacrifice. He isn't repulsed by sex, but that didn't make him want it more. After he climaxed, it was pretty much game over. One day I just got fed up of this scheme of things. He didn't even want sex, I did. So why in the world was I focusing on him getting better sex and remaining frustrated at the end of it? That day pretty much changed our sex life. I started chasing my orgasms instead of trying to get him to want them. I told him what I liked and he was happy to oblige. He is repulsed by giving oral sex and will receive half-heartedly. Penis in vagina sex he enjoys better, but not very often. But we discovered that there was a sweet spot with toys, fingers.... that he didn't mind at all while it was my body being sexually touched and not his.

 

It took me a while to be ok with him being mostly "sober" while I climaxed. Seemed wrong, selfish. But then I realized that he likes me finding pleasure with him, even though it isn't his game so much. "Well then, have a blast watching me!" And I'd like to climax with him involved than without. I trust him. It is like that only. Yes, he is seeing me at my most abandoned moment with stone cold clarity, but it isn't a judgmental view that will see me in bad light for wanting something he doesn't. I think it may relieve him on some level that he doesn't have to go through sex every time I feel horny and he does want me to be sexually satisfied and all content.

 

With time, I'm even happily masturbating in bed with him completely not involved. I don't feel a need to seek privacy from him and in a way, him being around makes him part of it, even if he's working at his laptop while I masturbate. Like the routine, end of day sex in a comfortable, settled relationship. More a comfortable ritual than seeking scorching hot each time.

 

Another thing I noticed is that once the pressure was off, he got much better about expressing what attraction he did feel, without worrying about me expecting too much that he couldn't deliver on. So where "indifference" earlier would be "no", it now is "maybe" - which can get him occasionally intereted - as long as he doesn't feel trapped to deliver sex. If it works, he's likely to ask for PIV sex. If it doesn't, he's likely to focus on me. If he seems bored, I suggest that I quickly masturbate (he can choose to help or not). So, paradoxically, the sex got more and better for both of us too! It isn't frequent. But then we both know it won't be. What is important is that it is enjoyable and it isn't so infrequent that i'm climbing the walls in frustration. It has also led to a lot of experimenting with how to meet both our needs and led to some of my hottest sexual experiences, while he simply watched me with a calm smile.

 

Well, enough of describing what we do.

 

I'd suggest asking him straight if he feels uncomfortable with you wanting sex or whether it is with the expectation of his participation. If he isn't judging you for wanting sex, I'd suggest taking him at face value and ensuring your own pleasure. If we are sane and satisfied, we are better partners. You're no good to either of you if you are frustrated and anxious. It may sound overly simplistic, but at least for me, it was a profound learning. Focus on the pleasure of the one who wants it rather than expecting the one who doesn't want it to want it.

[anamikanon]

On 14/02/2018 at 3:21 AM, uhtred said:

Oh yes.  She sees my desire for sex as selfish and unreasonable,  and doesn't think "normal" couples have sex very often. Thinks sex scenes in movies / TV are basically made-up. 

 

She is not really asexual, but some of her actions and attitudes seem reminiscent of those of some asexuals which is why I am here.  There are a number of asexuals who really don't "get" sex - they can't really understand why it is important to other people.   Not painting all asexuals with that brush BTW. 

Wow. I imagine that is hard. I understand not wanting sex, but how is wanting or not wanting sex selfish or unreasonable? She has a frequency she likes, you have another that works for you. It is, in fact, immature to consider our own preferences as the norm and judge others based on that.

 

You could try taking everything else out of the equation and bringing it down to the two of you. Never mind the films and movies. Never mind what normal couples do. This is you and me. You'd like to have sex averaging x times a month. i'd like it y times a month. What can we do so that both of us are happy? Are there alternatives or approaches to sex that will make you more interested? Are there alternatives or approaches to sex that will make me okay with not getting exactly the sex I prefer? Are both of us occasionally willing to set aside our preference for the other's pleasure or comfort unless traumatic?

 

Frankly, I don't know how it can work long term without an understanding partner - for any differences. A partner who will dismiss what matters to us is a most unpleasant thing. (not talking of wanting or not wanting sex - differences are common even in normal sexual people, but not seeing your wants as equally valid and needing respect - otherwise they will never be important enough to address and you will be expected to follow a prescribed norm)

[anamikanon]

On 19/02/2018 at 9:43 PM, Telecaster68 said:

The real issue is when the compromise is not about frequency or types of sex, but about doing it at all. Not indifference to doing it but actively not wanting to do it at all, because from an asexual's point of view, it detracts from the relationship just as much as not having sex at all detracts from the relationship for the sexual. The compromise - such as it would be - is huge, and probably too much for either side to make.

This may be a bit judgmental of me, but in my view, a compromise of this sort is always a poor deal with something like this. If my partner were repulsed by sex, I'd seek it elsewhere if it was that important to me or masturbate (I am poly in belief, though I don't have the time for multiple relationships). If he wasn't poly friendly (he is) and didn't want sex at all and I didn't feel ready for celibacy with there not being any willingness at all to meet me on a sexual level, in my view, that would be the end of our relationship or maybe switching to room mates/platonic friends, whatever, if we did enrich each other in non-sexual ways but keeping my sexual horizon open, so to say.

 

I am a very "live and let live" kind of person, if you see the above post, but not just "let live" and ignore the "live" and martyr myself. Martyrdom never works out long term and by the time you realize you've compromised important things, you're in too deep to untangle without a lot of heartbreak. I would not agree to something that contradicted who and how I was and I would not like him to, either. As in, even if he was repulsed by sex but was willing to participate to keep the relationship working, in my view that would also be a bad idea, even though it wasn't me sacrificing but someone I care about deeply - I would not want it for him and I wouldn't trust it to last indefinitely. Sooner or later, compromising who and how you are, will become too unfair a barter.

 

For that matter, I can be vaguely asexual as well, though compared with him I'm practically a nympho. But if, say.... I didn't see masturbating and closeness as "sex enough" and I needed actual sexual intercourse more often than he did or I didn't feel satisfied.... I'd seek another partner. Luckily, we love each other enough to know that me loving someone in addition to him does not make me love him less in any manner. Thankfully, he also doesn't hang his self worth on his penis, so me seeking sex because I want it is not likely to make him feel like he "isn't enough" for me or something (we've discussed these things).

 

We have had a lot of dry spells and I won't pretend they weren't frustrating, but we never reached a place where me wanting sex was not as okay as him not wanting it. If that happened, I'd end the relationship. Both people in a relationship should be respected.

[CherrySoul]

On 10.2.2018 at 7:01 PM, King Coco said:

I'm in my first serious relationship with an asexual, and honestly a lot of this thread resonates with me. I've felt everything that you guys have: anger, body image issues, frustration, anxiety, apathy, resentment, depression, self-hate, loneliness, and every other emotion that you don't want to feel in a relationship. I've been searching basically everywhere I can search for advice on dealing with our different drives; whether that be how to compromise, how to make it more enjoyable for him, how to deal with the rejection and frustration, so on. I'm still not really sure what to do. I briefly considered taking anti-androgens to knock out my sex drive just so that it would stop bothering me, but that's a permanent change and I honestly do not want to lose the ability to enjoy sex. 

 

I feel like what it has boiled down to is the feeling of being desired. I mean, I know there are plenty of other ways that he desires me, but sexually it is really lacking and the fact that it it so barely present only makes it easier to dwell on it. I want nothing more in the relationship than for him to want me as much as I want him, and I really don't want to think that that will always be nothing but a fantasy. I constantly worry that I seem like some kind of oversexed animal to him or that he thinks less of me for caring about sex so much, but from my eyes I see it as basically another form of physical intimacy or affection. It's not just a fun bonding activity to me, it's a way to express your love and trust in someone, and relationships without it just seem... almost lifeless to me. I'm not really sure how to put the way I feel into terms that aces, my boyfriend included, can relate to. 

 

I don't really have a point with this post. I just wanted to ramble and get stuff off my chest.

I can truly relate to this. I am at a point where cluelessness has taken over almost completely and it's quite frightening. When he is with me, I fear my arousal and desire to the point that I try not to feel and not to move (it hurts less like that I suppose? Besides I tend to swallow my feelings when I get overwhelmed). I don't know where to put my desire, what to do with it, what to tell him and what to do. It feels like a break-up would perhaps be the least painful solution, but then again I don't think I want that. I keep thinking of the future though - the idea of a sexless honeymoon kind of ruins my mood every time.

 

Somehow I feel obsessed, as well. I simply want to experience sex with the person I love and it seems like it's too much to ask. Well, it isn't 'meant to be', and I'm hoping I can make do with what he is comfortable with. Knowing that I'll likely never have that sort of relationship with him - passionate and sexy, involving our entire bodies and intercourse - truly gives me nasty feelings of all sorts. When I'm not sad, feeling lonely or unattractive, I feel angry or misunderstood.

 

My solution for now is to explore my own needs and wants - sexual but also physical, emotional and social. I will try to transform my daily life into a more pleasant and more fulfilling one and I'm hoping to shift away the focus from this rather unhealthy obsession of what is lacking in my life. As you correctly pointed out, King Coco, it all comes down to feeling desired. What would I give if I could know that I am desireable and attractive, at least to others if not to him. I would like to have that confirmed - it still somehow feels like it's my fault in a way (although I know it's not). If I can manage to raise my self-esteem and not need validation from others, perhaps I could manage to be happy in this relationship.