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Sexual Compromise & Support


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Hi - I would like to know how you get this compromise..... I can't recall the last time we had sex. He can't perform if he isn't into it and he is mostly asexual so... it isn't often. We have been together for years and have only had sex in single digits...... it seems like he can have  physically be aroused until it involves me. It is incredibly hard not to take personally. I love him immensely..... but I feel like I do all the compromising. I have asked about just kissing even.... how do you guys do this??? I am falling to pieces over his lack of sexual desire and some of his other interests. He loves me, supports me financially, encourages me in my education but no loving touch is so hard. 

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  • 4 weeks later...
polywantsacracker
On 12/9/2012 at 2:25 AM, Einy said:

I still haven’t found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesn’t desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. We’ve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isn’t the lack of sex but that he just doesn’t want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing it’s just an act and it’s not what he wants and does only because of me. It’s rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising won’t help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

going on 5+ years now for me.  I don't think you can. I was borderline suicidal a couple years ago.  

I found an outlet that has saved me.  

It works for me but it is not a great option, morally speaking.

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 6/24/2016 at 8:18 PM, Lady Ghoul said:

Wow, that was about three and a half years ago? By then, we had been celibate for six months and it appears I was still struggling with it. I don't know when all that stopped, but it doesn't happen anymore.

I hope reading some things here can help you too. Talking about it and getting some feedback definitely helped me.

I haven't been on here for a while.  Was in denial about my husbands sexuality.  So now, you are ok with it? I have tried to find support other places, and it's basically a meat market of desperate unfulfilled people wanting to hook up. I am desperate and also unfulfilled.  But I'm not ready for that. 

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Thanks for this thread, as a sexual married to someone who is almost certainly asexual, it's helpful to be able to read these posts.

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Hello everyone.

 

I have just joined having seen an article on the BBC website.

 

My wife and I have been married for a number of years.  We have a good relationship on the whole but when we do argue there is an 85% chance that its probably because I am upset that she never seems to be affectionate.  Once the argument is over she does become affectionate for a short while (and by that I mean a quick hug or two) but things slowly slip back.  The only time she was ever interested in sex was when she was trying to get pregnant.  She doesn't like me touching her intimately or trying to arouse her, something I enjoy doing and seeing and doesn't even like to kiss.  She certainly never touches me intimately.

 

When we were first dating my wife found sex painful and actually had to have a small operation to resolve a problem.   Whilst that addressed the physical barrier, it didn't mean that she wanted to be more intimate, not even on our wedding night....something I tend to mention from time to time.  I hadn't realised until the BBC article that she may be asexual.  She hasn't been diagnosed formerly, if one is, but her story is a lot like members on asexual posts describing how they feel.  It doesn't change anything about how I feel about her.  I love her, but it really really hurts that she never sees anything in me that stimulates her.  She doesn't crave me in a way, I crave her.  Not even 5%.

 

I am fortunate on the one hand that my wife agrees to have sex on a fairly regular basis (at least once a month (not more than 2) although I would 5 nights a week) but it is always after I ask and always reluctantly, which means (a) I don't feel great about it (because I know she doesn't really want to) and (b) it makes it harder for me to perform which in turn means it takes longer for me to climax because I know she gets no pleasure out of it.  I also find it almost impossible to climax with condoms and after having had our children my wife understandably does not want to fall pregnant again and does not want to take the pill as it used to upset her hormones.  I know I could have a vasectomy but haven't got my head around that yet.  With her feeling nothing and knowing I have to withdraw before the end, I have to work a lot harder which means (a) I sweat more, which she doesn't like and (b) she ends up feeling sore.  When it's done, she just tuns over and goes to sleep.  

 

I worry that we will go around and around with the same argument never finding the answer.  She says, it's never enough for me. I say that although she agrees to have sex, the way she goes about it means that its hardly like we have sex because its not fun.....and yet I constantly crave to be intimate with her.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.  Thank you.

 

 

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2 hours ago, AM2 said:

I hadn't realised until the BBC article that she may be asexual.  She hasn't been diagnosed formerly, if one is, but her story is a lot like members on asexual posts describing how they feel. 

Hi am2 and welcome to the forum, hope that it can help you with your wife :)

 

Asexuality would be self-identification like homosexuality and heterosexuality etc rather than being diagnosed as such

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Thank you iff. 

 

One of the hardest things to deal with is that I believe my wife's asexuality (I would emphasise it is something I have identified and am discussing with her) means that I sometimes tell her that she doesn't really love me.  When I get into bed she turns her back.  If I reach over to give her a hug she "lets" me for 20-30 seconds but then says she is hot or she is trying to go to sleep.  She will never naturally reach over and give me a hug or a kiss.  I often say to her that the fact that she says she loves me isn't enough because I don't feel loved.  Normally when she say she loves me it's following an argument about me not feeling loved.  I often feel quite lonely and I am not sure she understands how depressed that makes me (even if she says she understands).  I wonder why she isn't interested in me physically.  She often complains that she is very tired and needs her sleep.  She works part time and also looks after our children and so I know she has a full on day but then so do most people. 

 

I have said to her that our relationship sometimes feels like a close friendship / companionship rather than two people who love each other.   I understand that there are different types of love and it is not the same for everyone but when we married I thought we were on the same wave length.

 

I couldn't ever have an affair because I couldn't cope with the guilt but I sometimes wish that I had it in me.  I would love to feel that my wife wants me even 50% of how much I want her.  Again, when we discuss this she says that she does want me and she does need me.  I respond "yes, to do the paperwork around the house, sort out the credit cards, the cars, the insurance etc, not because [she] you need a physical or emotional connection with me.
 
I don't want to go through the rest of my life feeling unloved and feeling that there is something missing.  I get that this (life) is not a trial run.  I sometimes wish that i didn't love my wife as much as I do because then i wouldn't get so upset or care so much or feel so lonely.
 
So that's my out pour.  I'm very interested to hear what others think or to receive any advice and will be reading more posts from others to see if I can find answers / comfort.

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AM2, we're clearly in much the same kind of place. In our case, 30+ years of an increasingly sexless marriage. When I finally insisted on therapy together, my wife finally came out to herself and to me as a lesbian. Could this be true for your wife? My wife's a self-defined asexual lesbian. Her long years of pretty fruitless struggle to be delivered of the 'sin' of her same-sex attractions seem to have burnt out in her any capacity for sexual desire. So we share a good friendship, a good life together, but there is and can be no desire. And my desire, even more than sex, is the desire to be desired! We're now too far along in life to be able to envisage parting and trying to find new partners, and in any case, our limited finances wouldn't allow it. So I struggle on. My wife's at peace as we are, and I am not... I do have a little hope that fate may bring a new love across my path, whether we part or not. My wife's said, more in anger than a peaceful proposition, 'If sex is so important to you, then why don't you look elsewhere?' But I seem to be constitutionally monogamous. I've never been seriously tempted to stray, never come close to being unfaithful.

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AM2

Everything in your post I have experienced in exactly the same way with my wife of > 30 years. I learned that because in our earlier years I always took a hug to be more like part of foreplay and I would then try to escalate it toward sex my wife feared even a hug. Hence the turned back wasn't her passing an opinion on me it was genuine fear that I would push her to do more. She now tells me that she often cried herself to sleep because she knew how much it hurt me but it was still better than being cajoled into having sex. We hug long now and often because she knows I will not mistake it as a come on. Same with kissing. I would take a simple kiss and arms round the neck as meaning "I could be on here,"  and I'd start to "test." So we stopped kissing. That was when the relationship felt more like brother and sister than lovers.

 

The big break for us was when I stopped thinking there was something at fault or wrong and realized that this is just how my wife feels in herself.  Actually deep down she was miserable and wracked with guilt that I had inadvertently made worse for years by accusing her of no longer loving me and that all I have become is a bill payer. Yes, I fear I have said all the things you mention in your message. Finally, when we could talk about it without me being defensive or guilt throwing I felt a bit ashamed that I had been so lacking in empathy for so many years. I still shudder at some of the things I said in frustration. I just didn't understand at the time.

 

It took me a long time to get it and I still feel lonely at times, but mostly we have a great time, do everything else together, cook together, walk together, laugh at the same stuff together. The only bit that is missing is the sex, and to be honest whereas once it seemed so important  and like a great wall in our relationship it is now just bits of rubble that remind us of how dumb we were for not breaking it down sooner.  Sorry, for the bad metaphor but it is what comes to mind when I think about it.

 

I also could never have an affair although there were many opportunities. I don't know the right and wrongs of that, but it always just seemed too complicated and intrusive for me.

 

I do regularly go to an energy healer/body therapist type who somehow manages to get all my twisted thoughts and energy unwound. I find that helps a lot. My wife goes to see her regularly now too. Definitely helps and I pour that sexual energy into other creative endeavors that have worked out better than anyone might otherwise have imagined.

 

Happy to chat more if it helps.

 

I also only just discovered this forum. Wish I had known about it years ago.

 

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, wooyoo said:

AM2

Everything in your post I have experienced in exactly the same way with my wife of > 30 years. I learned that because in our earlier years I always took a hug to be more like part of foreplay and I would then try to escalate it toward sex my wife feared even a hug. Hence the turned back wasn't her passing an opinion on me it was genuine fear that I would push her to do more. She now tells me that she often cried herself to sleep because she knew how much it hurt me but it was still better than being cajoled into having sex. We hug long now and often because she knows I will not mistake it as a come on. Same with kissing. I would take a simple kiss and arms round the neck as meaning "I could be on here,"  and I'd start to "test." So we stopped kissing. That was when the relationship felt more like brother and sister than lovers.

 

The big break for us was when I stopped thinking there was something at fault or wrong and realized that this is just how my wife feels in herself.  Actually deep down she was miserable and wracked with guilt that I had inadvertently made worse for years by accusing her of no longer loving me and that all I have become is a bill payer. Yes, I fear I have said all the things you mention in your message. Finally, when we could talk about it without me being defensive or guilt throwing I felt a bit ashamed that I had been so lacking in empathy for so many years. I still shudder at some of the things I said in frustration. I just didn't understand at the time.

 

It took me a long time to get it and I still feel lonely at times, but mostly we have a great time, do everything else together, cook together, walk together, laugh at the same stuff together. The only bit that is missing is the sex, and to be honest whereas once it seemed so important  and like a great wall in our relationship it is now just bits of rubble that remind us of how dumb we were for not breaking it down sooner.  Sorry, for the bad metaphor but it is what comes to mind when I think about it.

 

I also could never have an affair although there were many opportunities. I don't know the right and wrongs of that, but it always just seemed too complicated and intrusive for me.

 

I do regularly go to an energy healer/body therapist type who somehow manages to get all my twisted thoughts and energy unwound. I find that helps a lot. My wife goes to see her regularly now too. Definitely helps and I pour that sexual energy into other creative endeavors that have worked out better than anyone might otherwise have imagined.

 

Happy to chat more if it helps.

 

I also only just discovered this forum. Wish I had known about it years ago.

 

 

 

 

Thank you both @AM2  and @wooyoo so much for posting these - by describing your wives, you have just described me. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and for the last 5 - since I started to equate physical closeness with sexual expectation - I have been continuously wracked with guilt because I have felt exactly this. Hugs are terrifying because I know I will feel compelled to turn him down later, going to bed together means i have to behave as if i am exhausted and simply too tired for sex, otherwise I would have to tell him I simply don't want it, and that is too much for my already guilt-laden self-image. I love him so much and I know his needs are equal to mine, but being pushed and pressured because of his reasonable lack of understanding - and my own - has put a barrier between us that needs to come down.

I am very into physical contact outside of specifically intercourse (which i'm also often ok with, though it's for his sake, which he hates and feels guilty about) and I am very much willing to compromise on many levels, but having to explain to him that sex itself can never, for me, produce the same type of fulfillment and rightness that it does for him just kills me inside because I know he wants to share that experience with me. I have tried so many things to "jump-start" what I thought was my dormant ravenous sexuality (we're both 26 years old so I just expected it to wake up at some point) but nothing has ever worked. I still haven't used the word "asexual" to describe myself to him because I am terrified of how he will react in the moment.... I'm considering suggesting marriage counseling so we can talk openly without getting too emotional to think and speak objectively.

I am terrified that I am slowly killing him from my near-constant rejections, so something needs to change soon. Your story gives me hope that we can work things out in a way that can be fulfilling for both of us.

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12 hours ago, AM2 said:

Thank you iff. 

 

One of the hardest things to deal with is that I believe my wife's asexuality (I would emphasise it is something I have identified and am discussing with her) means that I sometimes tell her that she doesn't really love me.  When I get into bed she turns her back.  If I reach over to give her a hug she "lets" me for 20-30 seconds but then says she is hot or she is trying to go to sleep.  She will never naturally reach over and give me a hug or a kiss. 

That very likely does not mean she does not love you or feel emotionally affectionate toward you.  What it more likely means is that she is  afraid that any physical affection toward you in bed would mean that sex would follow, because you would interpret her affection as an invitation to sex.  As an asexual, I had sex with my husband and then with my partner because I loved them and wanted to please them.  But that was on occasions when I could stand to deal with it, and there were times when I couldn't.  Thus I did not want to encourage it.   Many times I would have just liked to hug, but knew that could very well mean "sex!" to my partner.  

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28 minutes ago, Sally said:

That very likely does not mean she does not love you or feel emotionally affectionate toward you.  What it more likely means is that she is  afraid that any physical affection toward you in bed would mean that sex would follow, because you would interpret her affection as an invitation to sex.  As an asexual, I had sex with my husband and then with my partner because I loved them and wanted to please them.  But that was on occasions when I could stand to deal with it, and there were times when I couldn't.  Thus I did not want to encourage it.   Many times I would have just liked to hug, but knew that could very well mean "sex!" to my partner.  

Same. I got into the habit of not touching my partner because it meant sex was likely to be expected and I'd rather not be affectionate than have to go through that. 

 

With my current partner that does not want sex from me, we can barely force ourselves out of bed / to stop cuddling/kissing/hugging... so it's not that I am not into affection, I just am not into affection if it risks sex being asked of me. 

 

But, then, some people also just aren't into physical affection. I know sexuals that are touch averse and prefer to not hug/kiss etc and only really touch when sex happens. 

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...but it takes time to find a new rythm and to get away from old ways of doing things. I can relate to giving an 'innocent hug', but as our bodies meet in the embrace, my hands started to wander and see how much they could get today. Not very nice for the acer. And not very nice to be constantly met by a 'stop', but I were putting a constant pressure on her, that must have felt like: "oh, you touch me on my elbow, I wonder if This is a sign that I can ravage your body tonigth in a steaming hot sex-session?" 

 

I am getting to terms with some facts:

1: we love each other

2: we show our love differently and my way has been the same all the way. Her way has changed since she found out that a lot of what she did, was actually not nice for her.

3: I need/want my orgasms. It is like a drug that keeps depression away. It works best, if she happily participates and even better when she, on a good day when the stars are aligned and the feeling is rigth, enjoys my touch as well.

4: I want her to be happy and vice versa. 

5: we need to be more open and share our feelings more, since it hasn't worked very well, when we tried to guess what the other part wanted. Sometimes it is also easier to know what I want, as I put it into words.

 

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wow... what a thread.  I was brought here by a therapist because I am really having a hard time with the compromise of being a celibate when in fact I am very sexual.    I am going to read it all... I have read a lot and so much of it speaks to me and my wife's situation.  I handled it pretty well for the first batch of years. But the last three have been very difficult to me.   We were very sexual and she had a very high drive that just went away.  
 Thank you all for sharing.

  

 

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  • 1 month later...

My girlfriend of a year recently told me that she's asexual, and while we haven't gone past kissing anyways, I asked her if she was comfortable with that and she said "since it makes you happy".  We went out for a date tonight, and when she went for our usual goodnight kiss, I just couldn't do it.  I didn't say anything, just let her kiss my cheek instead, and I don't know if she realized that something was wrong... I just can't kiss her now.  It feels like I've manipulated her, that it's basically pressured rape.  I'm already confused about my own sexuality -- I have no idea if I'm demisexual, ace, or just traumatized from previous experiences.  I honestly don't know if I can stay in a relationship with her... I don't know what I want, how I can deal with this, if I could ever let her "compromise" because it just feels like she's being pressured to do what she doesn't want.  Tbh any advice at this point would be appreciated... I'm too confused

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14 hours ago, blackberrya9 said:

It feels like I've manipulated her

If she's doing something out of her own free will, then you haven't manipulated her. Everyone who has a partner will do some things for that significant other about which they are less than enthused. Even if it's just watching a movie together that they're not really interested in. It's still time spent together, and that in itself is of value. Or think of giving presents to someone... isn't the real joy in the other's reaction? Do you also have to be enthusiastic about spending money on it, or about finally getting rid of that inherited piece you never ever wanted to own in the first place?

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Just found this forum today.  Having read a few of the threads pretty closely, its offered me some real-world explanation of a notion that I've had an increasing fear of for 18 years now.

 

Very much like AM2 and the other sexuals here, I've been coming to grips with me and my wife's growing disconnect on this front.  At least now I have a reasonable explanation for it outside of "unattraction", "attraction in someone else", or even "pathological prudishness".

 

I don't want to repeat much of what has been said here.  My story is really similar to those in here.  The differences for me are that

 

1) I truly believe my wife very much loves me (emotionally speaking)

2) not quite a dead bedroom: we are still intimate, but with decreasing frequency (far below average - being a geek in search of objectivity, I've charted it) and the ever-growing clinical nature of it

 

I keep thinking that "we are just getting older" or "she's exhausted" or "I'm not helping out enough" or "I've just never really been her ideal type, we married young (20) with kids and she made the best of it".  There's the coping thoughts of "take as much of the load off her as possible" or "I'll try harder to romance her" or "maybe something unconventional in bed" etc etc.

 

The only times I have noticed a sincere interest is when I start to give up even trying to be affectionate and weeks go by with nothing.  Then she's concerned, handsy, and eager.  We're intimate, my hope is renewed, we're back to square one - rinse/repeat.  To me, this is troubling behavior and points to a "maintenance needed" type of reaction on her part.   I don't want that. 

 

Whether or not she's asexual, grey, or just low libido, I dunno.  Here's what I do know:

 

The good: 

She truly cares for me, deeply.  I am a person she wants in her life.

She wants to keep me happy, but there's clearly an internal hesitation beyond that.

 

The bad:

Since marriage, there has been a complete lack of interest in all things related to sex: dressing sexy, porn, dirty jokes, a hot guy or girl walking by.

She's not concerned about our own intimacy at all until its obvious we're disconnecting in a hurry.

She's completely unaware of the rejections she gives, but extremely intolerant in a change in behavior from myself (IE, most affection originates from me). 

 

I have moments where I'm ok with it, and I have moments where I question our future.  This post might seem harsh, as I'm in the latter phase right now. 

 

But here's what keeps my tossing and turning at night:  I wonder if we're right to stay together.  I wonder if we're just gritting our teeth through it like we have every other struggle.

 

I worry that  I don't believe there's room for compromise, here.  The physicality being the least of my concerns, its where her head is at regarding our intimacy.  God knows I love this women - we've been through hell and back marrying at 20 with a kid shortly after (2 now, both late teens), the external family trauma, hard financial times, and just beating the odds the entire way through, always together.  But its growing harder and harder for me to imagine the last 40 years of my life with this only intensifying only to look back and wonder if, after a heart breaking separation, we both couldn't find someone better suited to growing old with.   I don't want a roommate.  I want my wife.

 

Reading this, I can at least accept that there's not any pre-meditation behind her actions - that it could just be how she is.  That is helpful.  But I'm not 100% there, yet.  And like I said, even if I was, I don't know that that will be enough.  I've watched her parents and my parents take no action with the pain in their lives, and watched it magnify in old age.  I will not live like that.

 

 

 

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I totally share your pain and frustration. I could say almost exactly the same, word for word. Except that we're coming to our 38th wedding anniversary. And we have a totally sexless marriage now. We have an excellent marriage in the eyes of others, bar the no children and now no grand-children. But after years of frustration and struggle with her lack of desire, my wife finally 'came out' to herself and to me as a lesbian. Albeit now an asexual lesbian. But all her deep attractions have been towards other women, and not towards me. Deeply destructive of my sense of self and identity. It's hard to feel desirable when one is not desired!

So is it worth throwing over all the good things that we share in the hope of us both finding new and better loves? At our age (69 for me, 71 for her?)? Could we afford it? Could we untangle our shared web of friendships and life together? Is it worth the risk? We've looked at the dreaded 'd' word, and decided that we stay together. But our marriage vows have explicitly changed to 'until death do us part, or until one or the other meets a new love of our lives, but we're not looking'. But that permission to entertain the possibility of another, new love makes a big difference.

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I can't imagine how painful that is.  My heart goes out to you, too.

 

Your situation is what I fear most.  We're just shy of 40.    We have plenty of time left to make a big difference - I don't want to lose that.  I'm not willing to give this another 10 years let alone 30.  With each passing 'cycle' I get closer to having the "come to Jesus" talk and begin making sweeping changes.  "Get busy living or get busy dying" is the quote that comes to mind.

 

I have no idea how to raise my concerns without appearing to be a completely selfish asshole.  Worse, I'm worried she'll capitulate to keep me around instead of really considering the options as objectively as possible (she struggles with objectivity).  At best, she'd put on a mask in that situation, and I'd probably go along with it out of sheer hope when I deep down know better.

 

Then there's this other voice in my head saying that I'm making a far bigger deal out of this than it ought to be.  "It's been nearly 20 years now, and you aren't happy but you aren't unhappy..."

 

Its only because of reading other people's posts on this forum that I realize that I'm not crazy, and I may not be wrong, either, to feel this way.    Thank you all so much for sharing.

 

I guess my real first step is trying to identify where she stands (asexual / grey / low libido), and probably turn her on to this forum.  That will be an earth-shaking conversation.  She likes to bury her head in the sand, and I'll be bringing a lot of stuff up. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Has anyone considered the possibility of swinging between asexual/sexual couples as a solution?  My wife would never consider it, but we were good friends with a couple where the husband did not put out.  I had fantasies of fucking his wife into euphoria while he and my wife sat on the couch and facebooked.   

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16 hours ago, IronHamster said:

Has anyone considered the possibility of swinging between asexual/sexual couples as a solution?  My wife would never consider it, but we were good friends with a couple where the husband did not put out.  I had fantasies of fucking his wife into euphoria while he and my wife sat on the couch and facebooked.   

If sex was completely off the table between me and my ace-wife?

Idont think my wife would find it that interesting to watch and it would bug me to have her sitting there, while I stilldesired sex with her more, than with the hottie in front of me.  I would, in that case, rather do it behind closed doors. 

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We have an agreement. Sex by schedule. Date is set and that is when we do it.  I kind of hoped that by keeping to the schedule would mean that her feeling the risk of my touching her or kissing would lead to more, would be away, and that she therefore could return to being more touchy/romantic. Guess not! Ok, we stick to the schedule and keep touch on a minimum.   ...or perhaps lower the frequency on sex and turn up frequency of touch? It is a bit like working a maschine, that you dont really understand.

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6 hours ago, MrDane said:

If sex was completely off the table between me and my ace-wife?

Idont think my wife would find it that interesting to watch and it would bug me to have her sitting there, while I stilldesired sex with her more, than with the hottie in front of me.  I would, in that case, rather do it behind closed doors. 

I'm just not into having sex with my wife anymore.  We make a great team for other things, but I have found I need a partner that is into me in ways that my wife is just not.  Concentrating on what we do best, and ending discussions about scheduling and frequency and what is enough and what is too much relieves us of a lot of points of contention.  

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On 05/12/2012 at 3:52 PM, jojo2003 said:

Thank you for the great summary of affairs. There were many requests for this thread in other threads, so I think there will be many answers.

Can I be the first to broaden the definition of compromise. I know from another thread there are a few of us who have to compromise on no sexual activity. In my case that is no option, since my partner is sexually repulsed and can not (and I mean literally can not) engage in sexual activity. My compromise is that I try to work out ways in which I can get the satisfaction of intimacy, but taking into account the limitations and therefore celibacy.

I think once one of the partners in a relationship starts compromising themselves rather than looking for a compromise, the relationship will not work. Both have to have the space to be themselves, but being in a relationship means compromising on all sorts of levels (when and how much sports are you allowed to watch :)).

I know there are rough times for all of us, so I hope there can be support. Not only on emotional, but also on practical level.

I think this is excellent and what probably ruined my marriage. I compromised myself for years. There was no discussion. No blame attached here, but when I stopped compromising myself it all went downhill. I'm asexual.

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On 10/24/2017 at 1:31 PM, Sally said:

That very likely does not mean she does not love you or feel emotionally affectionate toward you.  What it more likely means is that she is  afraid that any physical affection toward you in bed would mean that sex would follow, because you would interpret her affection as an invitation to sex.  

Yes. This. It sucks because I'm a very affectionate and romantic person, but when things start going in the direction of sex I'm not into it a high percentage of the time. It's so messy, time consuming, rarely gratifying, painful at worst, and casual sex is 100% uninteresting. I just don't get the 'I want to rip your clothes off' feeling. Yet I really need affection in my life, and it seems like it can't be with sexuals because that expectation for sex is always there. It's like a given for them and I don't get that. I just end up feeling pressured and like I have to distance myself. 

 

The thing I'm really noticing about this thread is, it's mostly hetero men talking about their asexual wives. Where are the hetero women talking about their asexual husbands? Or other sexuals about their partners? I guess the vibe here has me feeling somewhat skeptical. I hear that marriages end up being sexless when they started out sexual quite often. So I have to wonder if 'I'm asexual' is the new 'honey I have a headache'. But that takes us down the rabbit hole of socialized men not being fluent in emotional labor or really understanding the sexual needs of women. Yikes.

 

I wish the idea of non-monogamy was more palatable to most people. Jealously *is* a really tough feeling to work though, this is so. Personally I've found it worth the trouble. If someone still wants a romantic relationship with me despite the low likelihood of sex happening, and they can have sex with whoever as long as it's ethical, then I know they're really "in", you know? 

 

 

 

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17 hours ago, Ousel said:

I wish the idea of non-monogamy was more palatable to most people. Jealously *is* a really tough feeling to work though, this is so. Personally I've found it worth the trouble. If someone still wants a romantic relationship with me despite the low likelihood of sex happening, and they can have sex with whoever as long as it's ethical, then I know they're really "in", you know? 

 

So is this working for your relationship?  Have you found it has become stronger as a result?  IF so, I'm happy for you.  I have so many questions....

 

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the disconnect, which may never be possible. 

 

The jealousy that an asexual partner experiences when compromising with something like non-monogamy stems from where?  My best guess is the sexual partner sharing / "spending" affection on someone else as well as enjoying their company over their asexual partner's.  If jealousy can manifest from that, then is that not enough to want to be intimate with their partner?  For the affection and level of intimacy alone?  

 

Perhaps that's the crux: for most, intimacy in all its forms is 100% affection and enjoying their company.  To pick and choose which you like and find others boring or a chore suggests to me that something very crucial is missing.  The exception is painful intimacy - which can occur for a myriad of reasons and defies whatever desires someone may have.  I don't see the "chore" or "lack of rip your clothes off feeling" as a proper explanation.

 

I see it like marriage itself.  So many expect it to be filled with lust and butterflies and puppy eyes.... when we all know its not.  At the end of the day, lasting marriages boil down to two people wanting to remain together just to because they want to be with that other person.  Nothing else.  To exclude some forms of affection and intimacy from that seems to indicate to me that there are crucial "ingredients" missing from someone's cognitive desire for the other person.  

 

And its that "missing" part that I can't get over.  If I feel one way about my partner, and they feel another, we aren't talking the same language.  The relationship will not last (in its current form) unless that is remedied.   Sure, you can become friends and then deny yourselves whatever until you die, but that is not a compromise to me - that is a surrender to unfortunate circumstances.

 

Where am I thinking incorrectly on this?  Help me and others understand...

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12 hours ago, blkr said:

The jealousy that an asexual partner experiences when compromising with something like non-monogamy stems from where? 

See, that's not where I'm coming from. I too can only guess what that would be like. 

12 hours ago, blkr said:

My best guess is the sexual partner sharing / "spending" affection on someone else as well as enjoying their company over their asexual partner's. 

Right here is where I can tell that you don't have personal experience with non-monogamy. This idea that love is finite, I don't agree with it. Personally I find that if I have a partner, and they don't flake on our dates... let's say we see each other once a week  ....and they keep up a mutually agreeable amount of remote conversation the rest of the week, it doesn't much matter to me if they have 5 other partners. It's all about time management, energy management, excellent communication, and having good boundaries. 

12 hours ago, blkr said:

 To exclude some forms of affection and intimacy from that (a partnership) seems to indicate to me that there are crucial "ingredients" missing from someone's cognitive desire for the other person.  

It sounds like you don't believe that asexuality exists. ...?

12 hours ago, blkr said:

And its that "missing" part that I can't get over. 

Imagine that for you, a shared interest in dirt bike racing is a mandatory piece of your desired romantic relationship. But you fall in love with someone who hates motorcycles because the noise bothers them or something. Maybe you can go to other kinds of races together. But either you have to rethink your demand for dirt bike racing, or consider ending the relationship. That's where the answer is, "It's different for everyone," and "It depends!"

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  • 3 weeks later...

After 16 years of marriage to an asexual, ten with absolutely no sex or even touching at all, I finally confronted my husband today after hearing him masturbate in the bathroom, with the suggestion we have a problem. While I ranted and raved he seemed genuinely sorry and yet surprised at my feelings. To him we have a great marriage, are best of friends and enjoy the same things. He has no desire at all for sex although I now know occasionally he needs a bodily release. And that’s all he views it as. I had no idea he was asexual but thought he was just a perfect gentleman before marriage.  I feel foolish I let this situation exist for so long without talking about it and let myself feel more and more worthless and unwanted. He really does love me I know, but I can’t see how this marriage can possibly be saved.  It’s a relief though to be able to put a name to who he is rather than blaming myself for not being thin enough, pretty enough, etc. 

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On 6/22/2017 at 8:51 AM, GLRDT said:

I don't know about for other people on the asexual scale, but I'm gray asexual and don't have a desire or yearn for sex. I'm quite happy with no sex, yet my boyfriend is quite sexual. While I may not initiate sex, I can get into the mood with his help and some effort on my part and I can have fun and enjoy it. I may not have had sex without him initiating it and it may not be super passionate, but once it's happening it's not just about pleasing him, it's about having fun, learning more about each other, and sharing tender moments together. Also I mean things can feel nice once we are going so it's not all about him. We both like pleasing each other even if he feels more of an emotional bond during it than I do. It is a shared enjoyment, just for us both in different ways. The important thing is while I may not initiate, when we do have sex, it is always because I'm willing and it's a choice. There are times where I can't manage to get in the mood and those times we don't have sex.

And when you don't have sex because you are not in the mood (very common with women) then have you thought about how your partner REALLY thinks about this..........how he may take it as rejection?

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On 12/17/2017 at 8:11 PM, MrDane said:

We have an agreement. Sex by schedule. Date is set and that is when we do it.  I kind of hoped that by keeping to the schedule would mean that her feeling the risk of my touching her or kissing would lead to more, would be away, and that she therefore could return to being more touchy/romantic. Guess not! Ok, we stick to the schedule and keep touch on a minimum.   ...or perhaps lower the frequency on sex and turn up frequency of touch? It is a bit like working a maschine, that you dont really understand.

Mr Dane, your actions come across to me as someone engaging with a prostitute (with no payments exchanged). Sex should be a bringing together of two (or in some cases more) people, willingly and with a desire to please each other physically. Your arrangement sounds very business like to me and could psychologically damage one or both of you for life!

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