Song Lily Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 So, I have this little problem... Finding out that I was asexual was the easiest thing. I just read the descriptions and bingo! That's what I am. But romantic orientations? I just can't seem to find the right one! I've always been a romantic person in general, I like to read about it, listen to music about it, etc. But when it comes to my life? I just can't seem to put romance in it. People have crushes on me and I just don't. I mean, sometimes I get crushes, but those times are few and far between. And it hasn't happened in at least a year. Most of the time I'm just... yeah, okay, no thanks. I just can't seem to pinpoint my romantic orientation. For those who have found it, or those who are in the same predictament, what are your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
R.Rosen Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I believe myself to be a aromantic person but I still love to read romance books and watch the crappy romance movies and I believe in happy endings and hope that there really is love in real life because it's so wonderful to look at in movies. But me myself, I don't really want anything with it to do, i think it's nice from a distance like reading about it but I don't need it myself. I figured it out for real when my friend told me he 'likes' me and i found my self wishing that i could like him too. We didn't have to be in a sexual relation, maybe we could just have the romantic and be a couple, like many else but I just couldn't feel those romantic feelings, it just made me uncomfortable and like for you i came to conclusion that I felt like you - yeah, okay, no thanks. It's hard to explain. You can also be gray- romantic. Copied this from Wiki incase you didn't know what it was. For example, a gray-romantic may: Experience romantic attraction but not very often. Experience romantic attraction, but not desire romantic relationships. Desire relationships which are not quite platonic and not quite romantic. One type of gray-romantic is called demiromantic. Demiromantics do not experience primary romantic attraction for a person, but are capable of experiencing secondary romantic attraction after forming an emotional connection. Hope it helps :) Link to post Share on other sites
Vampyremage Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Grey romantic here so I thought I'd chime in. I do experience romantic attraction and desire a romantic relationship but it seems to be less frequent and more muted than most. A relationship has always been optional for me, all be it one of the more pleasant options. The attachments I experienced were often not as deep or long lasting as many others and when I have experienced romantic attraction, its only been after getting to know an individual somewhat first. It's the mind and the personality that draws me in, not physical appearance. Link to post Share on other sites
Mezzo Forte Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I had a similar experience myself; asexuality clicked with me immediately, but my romantic orientation took quite a bit of pondering to get a pretty tentative label. I kind of eased into the aromantic label rather than jumped right into it the moment I knew what it was, but I'm pretty comfortable with my identity for now, because even it turns out that I'm not aromantic, then I know that I'll probably still be on the spectrum regardless. (The only other theoretical orientation I could see myself being is a very dark grey demiromantic, so even then, aromantic would probably be more suiting.) I love the idea of romance, and for years, I assumed that I was supposed to want it for myself. I dated several people through middle/high school, hoping each time that I would eventually fall in love, and it never happened. I ended all my relationships around the points when I would get repulsed by semi-intimate touch (usually by then, I'd feel suffocated and uncomfortable, so I'd end it before anger kicked in and affected my friendships with each partner I had). I've come to realize now that the major questions I had about myself in middle/high school were not linked the absence of sexual attraction, but with sensual and romantic attraction. I definitely became more comfortable with the label as I started to think about my past and present with that label in mind, and as I learned more about aromanticism, the more it started to make sense to me. I do consider myself to have somewhat of a romantic drive, though it definitely diminished when I stopped pressuring myself to try and feel romantic attraction or engage in romantic relationships without knowing what I want from one (which was actually years before I even knew about asexuality or aromanticism, go figure). Either way, a label's a label, and the moment you're not comfortable with a label or feel that it no longer describes you is the moment you abandon it for something that better suits your current state of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
without-you Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I'm kind of in the same boat you are. I'd say I'm pretty aromantic, what with my never wanting to be "more than friends" with anyone, but a part of me kind of wants at least one romantic relationship just to see what it's like. I'm not sure blatant curiosity is particularly romantic however, also I don't think too many people would appreciate being a test-drive and I don't know anyone whose friendship I'd sacrifice for the sake of what would basically be an experiment. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Umm... My romantic orientation is explained simply from the definitions, Aromantic. Although I have not tried romance to 'prove it' some do observe and experiment when they are in doubt. Not everyone needs to experiment with romance or sex to know who they are. Link to post Share on other sites
5_♦♣ Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I'm just like you-I haven't had a crush for a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Notte stellata Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 If you get crushes occasionally, you could be grey/demi-romantic. This thread makes me curious - what's the "normal" frequency of experiencing romantic attraction/getting crushes? Is a year really very long? I went through more than a year without having a crush before, even though at that time I was much more "romantic" than I am now. I guess it partly depends on how many people you know and how often you meet new people, because even for those who are not demiromantic, in most cases they still need to know someone a bit to have a crush. Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyBlues Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 I'm not really sure, but I suspect that I might be aromantic or close to that. I experience attraction, but I'm not not sure that it's romantic (I know for a fact that it's not sexual). I usually experience this attraction toward people that I already know pretty well. These feelings of attraction bring about urges to get to know the person better and to hang out more. No urges for physical contact of any nature. In fact, I'm not compelled to do anything with these people that I wouldn't do with a good friend (I do not hug or cuddle my friends). I don't see them as my "other half," and I don't feel incomplete without them. It feels sort of the same as an urge to replay a video game. I think about them a lot, but it feels more intellectual than emotional. I feel like I'd be content just being really good bros. This is really hard for me to explain. Link to post Share on other sites
Song Lily Posted December 7, 2012 Author Share Posted December 7, 2012 Thanks a lot to all of you who replied!!!!! It really helped a lot. I've been thinking about this for a while, and I actually said I was demiromantic... but I didn't feel it was right because when I don't have a crush, I don't feel the need to have one at all. After reading these replies and trying to think of the romantic orientations like I think about sexual orientations, I think I might be right. Because when someone finds out they're demisexual, they're pretty much asexual when they don't have an emotional bond, right? That's pretty much what I feel about romance. It's just that when I meet new people I'm kind of enchanted by them, but thinking about it now, it's not in a romantic way. It's more like...wanting to know them better, picturing us as very close friends, etc. That said, I really might be a grey/demiromantic. :D Link to post Share on other sites
Notte stellata Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 I've been thinking about this for a while, and I actually said I was demiromantic... but I didn't feel it was right because when I don't have a crush, I don't feel the need to have one at all. From my observation, the bold part is actually the experience of many demiromantics. I just happened to read this post written by a demiromantic. It's quite long, but there's this particular paragraph which you probably relate to: One thing that confused me a lot before I realized I was demiromantic was that a lot of my friends really, really desperately wanted boyfriends/girlfriends, even when there wasn’t anyone they were actually interested in dating. They were attracted to the general idea of having a boyfriend. I, on the other hand, couldn’t care less about the general idea of having a partner. When I want a romantic relationship, I want it with a specific person not in general. Link to post Share on other sites
Song Lily Posted December 8, 2012 Author Share Posted December 8, 2012 I've been thinking about this for a while, and I actually said I was demiromantic... but I didn't feel it was right because when I don't have a crush, I don't feel the need to have one at all. From my observation, the bold part is actually the experience of many demiromantics. I just happened to read this post written by a demiromantic. It's quite long, but there's this particular paragraph which you probably relate to: One thing that confused me a lot before I realized I was demiromantic was that a lot of my friends really, really desperately wanted boyfriends/girlfriends, even when there wasn’t anyone they were actually interested in dating. They were attracted to the general idea of having a boyfriend. I, on the other hand, couldn’t care less about the general idea of having a partner. When I want a romantic relationship, I want it with a specific person not in general. It really makes a lot of sense to me :) I'm a bit different than that though... I've always been in love with the idea of love, but I don't feel the pull to actively pursuit it. In my head, love happens. And I can't make it happen... It's not that I don't care for love at all, but I know I can't make it happen by dating people. Never worked for me. And I'm pretty much ok with not being in love when I'm not in love, so... All in all, grey/demiromantic fits me. As for you previous question... This thread makes me curious - what's the "normal" frequency of experiencing romantic attraction/getting crushes? Is a year really very long? It's not very long. It's just that my crushes usually live very long, even when there's no chance at all. Like a comfort blanket made of the remnants of an old crush. Link to post Share on other sites
pammini Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 I'm also very confused too, not only about the romantic orientation but sexual orientation too (gray A, demi). Instead of trying to figure it out, I just give up on labelling myself. I think one day I'll find out when the right time comes, one day XD Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.