Should Aromantics give relationship advice?

[wordforger]

I'm an aromantic asexual who has never been in a relationship at all. I have had friends who have been in many relationships and seen how these relationships work or end up not working out. I've seen many patterns repeated over and over, and I often wonder why someone in a relationship that I see as unhealthy can't see it. At the same time, I realize I have no inner understanding about how these romantic relationships work and that my outsider's view may be skewed. That's why I tend to keep my mouth shut. Still, when I see certain behaviors that I've noticed causing problems for my friends over and over I want to tell them, but I'm not certain if I should.

So I ask you, romantics especially, should an aromantic asexual who has never been in a relationship give relationship advice?

[Notte stellata]

Of course you can. In many cases it's the outsider who has the clearest thoughts and the most objective view. Aromantics don't feel romantic attraction, but a relationship isn't only about romantic attraction. Essentially, it's a relationship between two persons, so most of the general knowledge about interpersonal interactions also applies to relationships.

Also, I don't think relationship experience necessarily correlates with "relationship intelligence". As you already noticed, many people repeat the same old patterns from one relationship to the next and never learn anything. On the other hand, people who have little or no relationship experience (either romantics or aromantics) may very well have a good understanding of relationships through observing and thinking.

[Kaitou]

Sure you should. There are plenty of non-aromantic people sticking their noses where they don't belong (Because what you said is even truer than you think... in a way, everyone who is not one of the two (or three, or however many ) people in the relationship is an outsider to it... they can never truly know all the dynamics and facts... what they do get will be skewed by the bias of the one telling it).

Being an outsider can be a good thing though, as far as advice goes; it can give clarity that a person inside a relationship cannot see.

[Vampyremage]

The thing about being aromantic, I would think, is that it makes you something of a neutral observer. As a grey-romantic I feel that in many ways I'm the middle ground between romantic and aromantic and can relate to many aspects of both. When I'm asked for relationship advice, I tend to give to from a more dispassionate outside perspective rather than drawing on the more emotional aspects that I think many would.

I do believe some aromantics could offer some valuable advice based upon what they've observed of a phenomenon that they largely wa t nothing to personally do with. However, due to that lack of personal experience I also bieve such advice can only go so far.

[gilnokoibito]

I must say I agree with all these answers so far wholeheartedly. But I want to include something you may find a bit interesting.

I myself am an aromantic asexual. Now, I've been in a relationship before, just one though, but to me I never saw it the way my bf did and I considered it a rather platonic sort of thing. Anyway, in my high school psychology class once my teacher would sometimes give us these little quizzes that were made by other psychologists. One day she gave us a quiz on relationships and how they work. Now everyone in my class was sexual (trust me, there wasn't a single person in there shy about that fact!) Every one of them had been in a relationship before (romantic and sexual) and most had been in several relationships already (heck some even had kids!) I should also mention that in this very class I was made fun of by a couple of girls before when they found out I didn't like kissing and hadn't done anything of that sort with my bf before, they derided me for it rather harshly and considered themselves superior to me because of it.

Now, our teacher read us the questions aloud and we wrote down our answers and then they were graded. Guess what? I got the best score in the class! She read which of us scored in the lowest, the middle, etc. aloud...everyone was absolutely stunned that the one chick who they didn't even consider to know anything about the opposite sex or relationships had so thoroughly bested them! And I do mean that...most of the others didn't even make it to the middle percentile! I scored an almost perfect grade on the quiz! I think that's pretty good proof that an 'outsider' can very much have a nice and objective viewpoint of things and could indeed be helpful with advice in such matters because, as others here have stated, they can see things that the people in a relationship might not see.

[byanyotherusername]

I always found that specifically because I didn't feel romantic attraction--though I didn't know that that was what was (not) happening at the time--that I was very fascinated by romantic relationships and often found myself analyzing them borderline obsessively. I began to recognize patterns, and was nicknamed the "relationship psychic" in high school for my ability to predict how long a relationship would last, who would end it and why. I remember that a friend was asking me for advice at one point when we were both 19, and our 15-year-old friend piped up to give his two cents. She made some comment (teasingly) like "what do you know? You're just a kid." I pointed out that he was, in fact, more experienced than I was, since he had actually been in a relationship. They both looked at me in shock, like they were just now realizing that their go-to love guru was completely unqualified for the job. XD

Realizing that I am aromantic, and that there is a dimension to romance that I do not understand, has made me more humble. I realize that I don't fully comprehend what motivates people to seek a romantic partner, nor some of the potential rewards of such entanglements. I try to keep this in perspective, but I don't allow it to stop me from voicing my opinion. In general, be weary of offering unsolicited advice, but if someone asks what you think, answer honestly. And if you feel that your friends are making the same mistakes over and over, don't be afraid to (carefully, tactfully) bring it up. I did this once with a friend of mine, even though I was worried it would make her upset and I should just keep my nose out of it, but she wound up being very grateful and began looking at her relationships in a different light.

Best of luck. :)

[MadRat]

So I ask you, romantics especially, should an aromantic asexual who has never been in a relationship give relationship advice?

Why not? You can probably see things more objectively than those people who are madly in love and don´t want to see mistakes they do.

[Uhh]

I'm aromantic and I've only been in one relationship, which to be honest sucked. However, my friends often ask me for advice on their relationship issues. The last time I gave advice my one friend said, "I love you, you're always so rational." Haha, so I think aromantics can give relationship advice, for the reasons some of the other posters said... it's a neutral POV and relationship issues aren't always having to do with romance. I think an aromantic's view gives a different perspective and way of seeing things that a romantic in a relationship might not see.

[Guest]

While I usually feel way out of my comfort zone, I do try. Relationship advice goes ultimately ignored by most people I know, anyway. I do have a lot of objective knowlege on relationships, so that is sometimes helpful to the asker. If you do try to give advice, absolutely do not ignore the advice-seeker's emotions.

[Melorian]

My friend goes through a lot of tearful breakups. She always finds men who are complete jerks, sleep with her and then move on.

Even though she knows I am 100% asexual aromantic and I always tell her I don't have any real relationship experiences she really cares for my advice and listens to it.

I think it is because of the objective neutral observer thing, and also that she really does seem to trust and value my opinion. Which is rather nice :)

[BKAce]

I agree with most what everyone said so far.

Personally, I'm an aromantic who's never been in a relationship yet my friends (who know this!) always seek my opinion about their relationships. I'm been long considered a relationship expert (in all its aspects, even physically!)

Not only do they think I have an outside, objective view on the matter, but one female friend also told me once that my opinion is trustworthy because it's "disinterested" (i.e. unaffected by self-interest).

[lilyisntaweirdo]

I think that aromantics have a gift of the unbiased view on love and romance, making them perfect advice givers on the subject! <3

Although they may lack experience, I think that the main weakness of their advice is that some ignorant sexual people find them under-qualified. :)

[Roy M.]

Certainly. You don't need to be a chemist to know not to play with fire.

Additionally, aromantics could very well be the outside voice of reason that is often missing among the mainstream.