I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[amajerle]

Hello. After thinking for a couple years on why I don't enjoy or care for sex no matter who it's with, I have realized I may be on the asexual spectrum. Sex does not repel me and I do find some women attractive, but I do not have interest in wanting a sexual or romantic relationship with them. I would consider getting married provided my partner understands my situation and why I act in ways that may be strange to them.

[BaklavaGuardian]

16 hours ago, will123 said:

Welcome to AVEN!  

 

I know the feeling! I thought I was straight but not putting any effort into having a sex life.

Thank you for welcome. 

[BaklavaGuardian]

16 hours ago, LeChat said:

@BaklavaGuardian Hello. Welcome! 

 

 I like your avatar (i.e. a bee in ace flag colors).

Thank you, I like yours as well such a cute cat. 

[LeChat]

@BaklavaGuardian Thank you! Yes; I feel like I wish I had a cat like that.

[Latestarter]

On 6/7/2022 at 8:39 AM, Gordianot said:

I am sad and very much wish I had known that being asexual was a valid orientation and a real ‘thing.’ I could have avoided so much pain and sadness for myself and others (particularly my husband).

My husband is very sad to finally realise that everything he has tried over the years to help me enjoy sex actually made things worse. Perhaps if we had even heard the term years ago before we got married things might have been very different for both of us. I still think that we made a success of what we share although it has got steadily worse over time and has now pushed him into depression. Life is never easy.

[Dr. Ally who is listening]

Hey all, I identify as queer and teach LGBTQ Studies and just wanted to say how brave I think y'all are and how happy I am that you have found a community space. Your sense of leading a fulfilling life is what matters the most, and if that doesn't include sex-- so what? I hope you are never subject to any sort of cruelty from other queer-identified people in particular. We need to stick together if we're going to survive these disturbing times. Send you all love and deep admiration.

[LeChat]

@Dr. Ally who is listening Hello. Welcome! 

 

Thank you, for your positive message for the community!

[MorningDew]

Hello everyone!

I actually did  not feel relief upon getting to know asexuality. I read about it and found it funny that those articles and definitions  were kinda describing me. Turns out that there's a reason for that😅

Since then, I came to the conclusion that I am, in fact, asexual. It's been a journey, but I'm glad I found the term and AVEN!

 

[LeChat]

@MorningDew  Hello. Welcome! 

[Iris VioletAyame]

My sister always called me asexual but I didn't think I was one because I masterbate and like romance books. I also had crushes that while not sexual were 'you're nice, attractive, and I might like to be closer to you (more as a friend but since I was a kid and it was a guy I thought boyfriend) '. I knew I wasn't gay, but subconsciously knew I didn't actually want a relationship. If a guy asked me out I just asked 'why?' They didn't answer and I didn't get it, it's a simple question (until you consider that I developed earlier and bigger than most other girls...and most asked me out after I wore a tight shirt). Once I said in high school that I never planned to get married or have kids and when asked later if I was serious, what if I accidentally get pregnant (not said in way that suggested rape but failed contraception) and even responded with I don't plan to have sex (somehow still thought I was heterosexual, I didn't think there was another option) they looked at me in a way that either meant wow this person is crazy or undiscovered species.

I actually got tired of all the sex in books and read some manga (silver diamond, ice cold demon tale) that was bl and liked it, those two were the closest to a relationship I liked that I may have ever read at that point...hence I became a bl fujoshi (direct translation, rotten girl, meaning one who reads bl. Ps most bl manga is very sexual with some that are no/questionable consent, novels are better and you can check novelupdates for tags to avoid). actually found a page about fujoshi asexuals on aven and was curious how that worked, no interest+guy interest. Read more and knew its me, ace grey aro. Still don't know anyone else asexual but I've come out and am open about it if it ever comes up. 

I'm very glad I found out in time, I'd actually been hanging out with someone with gradually increasing sexual contact, just short of sex. Looking back I know I was in a manic depressive state, manic when I was 'normal', able to get closer to someone even if not all the way mentally convincing myself I was ok, that it was who I was. Depressive when I relaxed, and couldn't help but face the fact that I wasn't ok or normal, and didn't even know what I actually was. In some ways I have to thank and feel sorry to that guy as well, if I never tried anything myself I may have kept lying to myself, probably depressed all the time, and if I made myself go all the way or was with someone who pushed or forced me I would be messed up after knowing my sexuallity and rather than relieved. I'm one of the lucky ones, and I wish more people know about ace, even if they don't understand it

 

[LeChat]

@Iris VioletAyame Hello. Welcome! 

 

Thank you, for sharing your journey of discovery.

[Iris VioletAyame]

On 5/20/2022 at 3:41 PM, Ambie or AJ said:

For a long time I wondered why I felt grossed out by the human body. I felt  judgemental, unloving and unkind. But I realized the reason I felt grossed out wasn't because I find peoples bodies disgusting,  I was just uncomfortable because when I would see them, I would think about intimate things, and so I attributed not wanting sex with anybody, to me just hating body parts. I now also realize, I find the human body beautiful, just in a different way and preferably with clothes on. (Actually definitely with clothes on.) I never would have thought this could be me, as I am a big romantic and often daydream about having a s/o, yet when someone has reciprocated romantic feelings towards me, I immediately get uncomfortable. I am still so nervous with identifying as aro-ace because I have always found it hard to identify my feelings towards people I care about and commonly mistake my feelings of adoration and affection as romantic and sexual. But I don't want that in real life. In movies I love it, In period dramas with dramatic dancing in the rain and delicate hand holding, I love it.  Honestly I wish I wanted a romantic relationship because it seems so warm and lovely. 

And maybe I can still be with someone who also is heavily affectionate and loves physical touch in a different way like me. But until someone pops up in my room with those exact requirements, cuddly and clingy and warm WITHOUT THE OTHER THING. I'm gonna be aro-ace. (This was all over the place because I just recently was able to validate my own wants and so I'm still learning, but yea-)

Kinda feel the same, no way compromising on ace, don't need romance but if someone perfect for me comes along, would like to be in a relationship. Only reason I say ace grey aro is in that case, but considering how unlikely that is for me (even ignoring ace, it's hard to find someone with any similar interests) I should probably be ace aro

[This Is Me]

Hello All,

 

I had not heard of asexuality until someone casually mentioned to me one day that she was ACE. I did not know what that meant and started research it. In that process I realized that I am asexual and sure wish I had understood that decades ago. I would have been able to avoid a failed marriage. I am interested in having a loving, committed relationship with someone, but have no interest in sex. I am glad to have found this forum and hope to learn more.

[LeChat]

@This Is Me Hello. Welcome! 

[This Is Me]

29 minutes ago, LeChat said:

@This Is Me Hello. Welcome! 

Thank you!

[LeChat]

@This Is Me  You're welcome!

[will123]

@This Is Me Welcome to AVEN!   In some ways I wished I had found out sooner (I was 44). Fortunately I never married or was in a relationship at the time.

[NaeC]

I didn't know so many people experience "I'm not normal".  For the longest time I thought that not having a desire to masturbate or have sex was normal. It wasn't until I was in college when I saw all these: "masturbation is ok" "sex helps lower stress", etc. that I realized that I wasn't the "normal" one. It felt very strange, like a child realizing that santa clause isn't real. I didn't really know what to make of it. But thankfully I had a friend that I talked with this about and they told me about asexuality and the description they gave felt like me. When I was able to define my lack of desire for sex I felt more me again, like nothing changed. I was normal the entire time I just forgotten that. Knowing that there is a term for something makes it more understandable and that there are others that feel the same. 

[LeChat]

@NaeC Hello. Welcome! 

[Gurg]

When I was a teenager (12-19 years old), I saw my friends talk about sex and thought - Well, maybe this will still happen to me.

 

During my young adulthood (20 - 30 years old), I decided that I had to fit in. Having sex was like eating a plate of food I didn't want. A cold asparagus soup? It wasn't disgusting, but it was an effort.
 
And time passed. I got married and had daughters. But sex remains something totally expendable to me.

 

More recently, I've seen things like Tinder and I just go without understanding how people can casually meet up for sex. I just can't understand how this is possible. I would never be able to do that.

 

So I thought, I have to find out what's "wrong" with me.

 

So I found this site and saw that I fit into the Gray area a few months ago and thought - It must be that! And I am not alone. So there is nothing wrong with me. It is just the way I am.

 

I talked to my wife about it, and it brought her some relief. Although sex is still important to her, I just decided to respect who I am and not have sex because another person wants it.

 

I always felt like I was having sex more for others than myself, and I got tired of it.

 

I realized that this is a kind of violence to myself.

 

It obviously hasn't been easy for her.

[LeChat]

@Gurg Hello, again! Thanks, for sharing that.

[Latestarter]

Totally agree with you, Gurg.

[McL-Tho]

I have been desired by women and men my entire life, but regardless of the quality of each encounter; I found myself being uncomfortable with my general lack of intense desire to actually be in that scenario !! Was it a lack of knowledge or skill I always wondered, but now as a middle aged man, I realize after a few decades, the feeling has always been the same.
 I enjoy being with myself sexually, more than I do with other people.  
For me, it’s as simple as that, or I have just never found true love, or maybe I just can’t.  
This blog was helpful thanks !!

[LeChat]

@McL-ThoHello. Welcome! 

 

If you're interested in chatting with others around your age, there's an Older Asexuals forum; and an Asexual Men Musings thread and an AVEN livestream discussion (Aces and Masculinity), where asexual men share their experiences with topics like dating, feeling pressure from society/family, etc.)

[Yjug]

To me it was a lag kind of steps response. Like first I was like "what do you know, there is a label out there for this, that's nice", followed by a feeling of community and understanding after reading more about the topic and post from people that are ace, then a sudden doubt of "wait, maybe I'm not an ace and I just don't want to resolve some personal issues", next a recall of my past (few) sex experiences that were personally for me more of a discovery/curiosity moment rather than pleasure (even one of them I felt empty afterwards), finally reflecting on how few relationships I had where I was not very physical or romantic, which lead to find there is a aromantic spectrum that evolved to question: am I an aroace ? .....and the plot thickens

 

Honestly it's been a journey of self reflect (for the last month) and understanding between what other feel and do vs me, and who is entering their 30th birthday has come as a light rain (unexpected, yet somehow refreshing). 

[LeChat]

@Yjug Hello. Welcome! 

 

 Thanks, for sharing your journey of discovery; it's relatable for others. If you're interested in chatting with others around your age, there's a 30s thread in the Older Asexuals forum.

 

I hope this helps!

[Yjug]

35 minutes ago, LeChat said:

@Yjug Hello. Welcome! 

 

 Thanks, for sharing your journey of discovery; it's relatable for others. If you're interested in chatting with others around your age, there's a 30s thread in the Older Asexuals forum.

 

I hope this helps!

@LeChat thanks ! I'll take a look😁

[LeChat]

@Yjug You're welcome! 

[will123]

@Yjug While I found out about and identified as asexual back in 2005, I was content with that. I never thought much about it. Then I did join AVEN in 2017 and learned more. It was only a few years ago that I looked up what members meant by aromantic and aro. Whe I figured it out, I thought, 'Oh my, I've been that since I was a teenager!'

[EvaLynn]

Hi, everyone. I just joined tonight and this is my first post.

 

When I was little, I was at a family gathering and one of my uncles was sitting off by himself and he said to me, "It isn't that I'm anti-social, it's more that I'm a-social. I just don't need all of this." So when I started to understand my feeling that I didn't need sex and I didn't want a romantic relationship, I thought of myself as a-sexual. Imagine my surprise when I happened to see online all kinds of discussions and so on about asexuality. I wasn't the only person who had thought of the word! I immediately felt very satisfied and not alone with my sexual non-preference.