I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[LeChat]

@Lee-Lee @Ellie83 Hi. Welcome! 

 

Thanks, for sharing your journeys.

[Calliers]

I am relieved as hell to find out that there is nothing "wrong" with me, to find out I am normal and looking back on my life a lot of things started to make sense once I realized I was ace. Once some girl came up to me at the bus stop, sat down next to me and we started talking, she asked if I was married to which I said no, she asked if I have kids to which I said no, she said why, to which I didn't have a good answer for (can't remember what I said to that in fact), she then got on the same bus as me and gave me her number which I never called. And I did find her pretty, just didn't have interest in her that way though (for a relationship).

 

A bunch of things like that have happened to me through out my life but I never understood why I didn't do anything until just recently (this week) in which I realized I was ace, then everything made sense. My best friend totally understands, he said to me I'm still me, doesn't matter what my orientation is. My parents have been understanding. One of my other good friends still thinks that I must be a bit broken but he did say whatever makes me happy he supports. So all in all I'm a pretty happy camper. My little brother basically didn't feel anything this way or that, and my little sister thought I must be mistaken, we're still chatting about it as she lives in a different country.

[will123]

On 2/2/2022 at 6:16 PM, katetheace said:

Hi! I remember first hearing the word "asexual" in the show "Sirens." I was in high school and my mother was watching the show. I remembered thinking, "Hmm, that's an option?" and not thinking anything of it until actually quite recently. In a world obsessed with sex, it's nice to know there are others who also just aren't interested in having sex. 

That's almost what a friend said to me a couple of years ago when I came out to her. She was surprised that I felt the need to tell her. I said people thought we were inseparable back in our late teens and early 20s (I'm 60 and she'll soon be 58) but I never made any romantic or sexual moves towards her.

[will123]

On 2/3/2022 at 11:23 PM, Mezzala said:

Hi everyone! I have been reading the AVEN forums for a long time but only recently joined and finally participate in them. They have been an immense help to me, espcially reading about other people's experiences. 

 

As for me, I only came to the realisation that I'm ace under a year ago at 39 years old so it has been a long journey. Like a lot of people have said here, I believed that I wasn't normal and that I was "broken" and accepted that for way too long. When I did come to the realisation and acceptance that I'm asexual it was a huge relief, a weight lifted off of my shoulders that has been there for much of my life.

 

There is one feeling however that I can't shake off. I do feel like a fool for not realising sooner. Yeah, hindsight is always 20/20 but the signs were all there and fairly obvious when I look back all the way from my teenage years to today. Anyway, it is what it is and more importantly, I'm very happy knowing that I am perfectly fine just the way I am.

 

I was 44 when I found out about asexuality. And yes looking back at life there are things that having known about asexuality at the time, things might have been different.

 

And X2 on feeling the weight lift off your shoulders finding out. I don't think I had ever felt that way, but the day I did, it was a wonderful feeling!

[will123]

On 2/15/2022 at 10:12 AM, Calliers said:

I am relieved as hell to find out that there is nothing "wrong" with me, to find out I am normal and looking back on my life a lot of things started to make sense once I realized I was ace. Once some girl came up to me at the bus stop, sat down next to me and we started talking, she asked if I was married to which I said no, she asked if I have kids to which I said no, she said why, to which I didn't have a good answer for (can't remember what I said to that in fact), she then got on the same bus as me and gave me her number which I never called. And I did find her pretty, just didn't have interest in her that way though (for a relationship).

 

A bunch of things like that have happened to me through out my life but I never understood why I didn't do anything until just recently (this week) in which I realized I was ace, then everything made sense. My best friend totally understands, he said to me I'm still me, doesn't matter what my orientation is. My parents have been understanding. One of my other good friends still thinks that I must be a bit broken but he did say whatever makes me happy he supports. So all in all I'm a pretty happy camper. My little brother basically didn't feel anything this way or that, and my little sister thought I must be mistaken, we're still chatting about it as she lives in a different country.

Welcome to AVEN from southern Ontario!

[Boondocks Paradox]

 Asexuality is kind of new to me for a 29 year old. I've heard of it before, but never thought it is a big part of my identity.
 

In my all-boys Catholic high school years, I only know that you can either be straight or gay. I never quite fit with most of the "straight" guys. Some of them call me gay for that; yet I believe I'm not one because I don't swing that way. I had some girl crushes way back, and never felt the same way to any guy. In the same way, I don't fit in with my gay schoolmates either. Both groups are crazed up in the topic of sex, because it's a typical teenage thing. Since I was raised strictly in a Catholic household, I thought it was only normal to brush off conversations on sex and sexuality. 
 

Fast forward to adulthood; some assume that I'm either gay or bi just because 1) still have no girlfriend, or 2) I work in the fashion industry and I know a lot about fashion "as a guy". In defense on the second, I have to know about fashion in order to not suck at my job *cue in Devil Wear's Prada*. Initially I have zero interest in fashion, only in visual arts; but my friends help me build my interest and knowledge in fashion.

Some time around late 2021, I started to question and ponder my "identity", not because of assumptions of others, but of self-realizations. At some point I considered myself as a bisexual because I have a "deep" connection with a close guy friend of mine. Then again I thought that I don't feel the same way on him as with my girl crushes (whom I never pursued further because idk stuff happened). Also I realize that even though I have all these crushes and "deep" connections, never I have imagined myself getting intimate with them.

 

More thoughts came to me. I remember friends getting turned on to pictures of their interests or turning around their heads when they see someone "hot"; while I'm confused why I cannot relate to them or share the same experiences. I do see some as attractive, fictional or not, because they are pleasing to the eye (and probably artist's instinct), but never hot or someone I would like to sleep with. Lately I feel "violated" and awkward when I get too physically close to anyone, even with friends, outside the friendly hugs or pats. And to cap things off, I remember the time I did aerobic exercises in my bedroom, and the room ended up hot and humid, and I got sweaty and stinky. I thought to myself, "Damn, is this how it feels when you have sex in the bedroom? Ugh!!"

 

Come through January 2022, in my usual browsing at YouTube, I get to encounter asexuality in one video. I watched it and clicked and watched another. And another. And another. I started reading articles, encountered AVEN at some point, and then I thought to myself that with all of these experiences I could have been an asexual all along.

 

February 14. 2022. Valentines' Day. Usually I feel indifferent on that day of the year. But this year was quite different. My brother's girlfriend was kind enough to give me a banana bread on that day. At first I only thought it was nice I got a sweet gift for Valentines', but as I get to eat a slice of the banana bread, I realize that tasting one of my favorite desserts is enough for me on that day and nothing else (that others might crave for on that particular day). Thus later that night I have finally accepted my identity as an asexual. 

 

A few days later I came out to four of my friends; all of them have different reactions but all accepted me and one friend she revealed she's a demisexual which is cool now that I have one my best friends that I can relate to in terms of ace topics. I bought a black ring and currently wearing it on my right middle finger. Should anyone ask what the ring means, I'll just say that it means I have accepted a part of myself and with that I am not alone ☺️

This is kind of a long post, but thank you for reading all the way. I would be happy to get to know more and interact with the people in this community and I'll gladly accept the cake(s) 😄

[LeChat]

@Boondocks Paradox Hi! Welcome. 

 

Thanks, for sharing all of that.

 

Your signature says you like pasta; so, here' a pasta "cake."

 

[a pic of two-tiers of real spaghetti; with the bottom tier encased in clear plastic, to keep it from collapsing (and topped with a bit of meat) and the second tier topped with pasta sauce and cheese.]

 

[StruggleSession]

New member here. 50 year old man figuring out my hetero romantic asexual identity probably too late to save my marriage. Just looking for friends, support, advice, community through a process that feels equal parts tragic and validating. Confused emotions, confused times, for something I know to be true with such certainty, it sure feels muddled. 

[LeChat]

@StruggleSession Hello. Welcome! 

 

I see you've, already, found the Older Asexual forum.

[Clowel]

@StruggleSessionwelcome 

 

New here myself. Not new to being asexual, though. I have known for a very long time. This is the first time I have really admitted it to anyone. Never really had anyone to say it to. 

 

BTW, I am 55 and live in the far south of New Zealand. 

 

It would be nice to have a friend. 

 

 

[LeChat]

@Clowel Hello. Welcome! 

 

 I don't know if you've, already, found the "50s" thread, in the Older Asexuals forum, but that's where you'd be able to find and chat with other members around your age.

[Clowel]

6 minutes ago, LeChat said:

@Clowel Hello. Welcome! 

 

 I don't know if you've, already, found the "50s" thread, in the Older Asexuals forum, but that's where you'd be able to find and chat with other members around your age.

Thanks, I will have a look 😀 

[LeChat]

@Clowel You're welcome! It should be the second thread, from the top of the forum, now.

[Dweller Under The Sink]

Growing up, I didn't know about asexuality. Everyone else seemed to be building romantic relationships, and I just couldn't. It took me a long time to realize, that the reason I wasn't in a relationship was that i didn't want to be. Then I was convinced that I was just programmed wrong, some wire in my head went to the wrong place. In this aspect of life, I was doomed to failure.

 

A few years later I found out about asexuality and soon after found my way to AVEN. When I first heard someone ask, if you'd rather eat cake or have sex, i thought Oh My!! This is it!! That is the exact feeling I've been trying to find words for!

 

Then I realized that Whoa! There are hundreds of people here who understand exactly how I feel. I might have cried a little.

 

It gives you a fuzzy feeling to know it is okay to be you. Just being yourself is not a failure.

[alto]

In my case, discovering that I'm asexual made me feel better towards my mother.  When I was younger, I thought she had traumatized me when she yelled at me for coming out as bisexual.  I thought she had somehow switched my sexuality off.  It's good to know that this is just who I am, and I am not flawed in some way.

[Taro]

Hello everyone, I'm also new here  

 

I started questioning my sexuality only recently, though I always felt something about it didn't add up, but could never pin point what exactly. For the first 19 years of my life I could never truly understand my sexual orientation. I knew I was (visually) aroused by specific things, but little did I care whether such things could have been considered gay or hetero (at the time I only knew this dichotomy, non-binary was a concept still unknown to me). I was always bullied though, for at least a few years when I was in middle school, and called names because I wasn't as masculine as the other male kids. Until high school, when I decided I would do anything to act and look straight to avoid being bullied. 

 

After high-school I left my hometown and felt that my attraction for men was stronger than for any other gender, so I started self-identifying as gay and came out to friends and family almost at the same time. As I started living my gay life in a big city, I increasingly felt pressure/expectation for me to have sex, and because of how the 'gay scene' can be, not just occasional sex but it had to be frequent, and with as many guys as possible. Because that's how others would define you in the reality I was in. I can describe this pressure like a horrendous anxiety mixed with FOMO and need to fit in the 'gay world'. The common assumption around me seemed to be that if you have sexual thoughts you must act on them, moreover, you have to act on them with somebody else. I started pursuing sex, which in almost every case ended up being underwhelming, uncomfortable, stressful, and in few instances traumatic. Despite all this I was determined in my belief that I was missing out on something huge, that something in me was wrong, and therefore that I had to find a way to enjoy sex at any cost, or I would have not been able to find a partner and live a happy life. 

 

This conditioning led to several years of depression and self-harming, ultimately using drugs to force myself into sex, and using sex to define myself to others as well as to get to the guys I had a romantic interest for. Although this interest never really turned into serious relationships, because as soon as I felt a guy was interested enough to be me with me I would stop having sex with him, only for the guy to break it off sooner or later because of the lack of sex. This toxic relationship with sex and the substance abuse created a loop that was very difficult for me to break. But thanks to the support of therapy and my close friends in the last year or so I was finally able to start unpacking all of this and get sober. Growing into my 30s as well as sobriety allowed me to look at my sexuality with a new perspective - it is okay to not want to have sex, it's okay to not enjoy it and it's okay to have sexual thoughts and not wanting to act on them, alone or with somebody else. I am still learning about myself and while doing my research I came across AVEN a couple of months ago. I knew about asexuality but not about its full spectrum and nuances. In trying to make sense of my sexuality I read about demisexuality but I don't think I am demisexual cos those rare times I do experience sexual attraction for somebody, it is usually a 'first sight' kind of thing (and usually fades away really quickly which is one of the reasons why I never act on it). I also don't think I am completely asexual, because I do experience sexual arousal and sensual attraction every now and then, and sexual attraction (in rare occasions). But mostly for me the idea of sex with another person, remains a cause of great anxiety (if I feel I am expected to perform it) otherwise I am not interested in it and just don't think about it. Because of these reasons now I feel most comfortable in describing myself as homoromantic graysexual. 

 

Anyway, I am sorry for the long monologue I think I got carried away lol. I just want to say, like many others said before me, it warms my heart to know that so many others feel the same way about sex, and that I am not alone. And to know that I can come here when I need a break from the hyper-sexualised reality around me. I am curious to know if any of the above resonates with anyone here. Right now I am also in my first serious relationship, with somebody who was already a friend before becoming my partner. He's not on the asexuality spectrum but I guess he's less sexual than what is usually considered to be 'the norm' (for sexual people at least). We had to make compromises, such as opening our relationship, which seems to be working, for now. So I guess I am also curious to hear from anyone with similar relationship experience  I also have always been fascinated by online relationships (e.g. friendship, platonic, etc) so if you feel like we'd get along please do get in touch

 

Thanks for reading and for creating this space!

Taro/Jay 🌿

[LeChat]

@Dweller Under The Sink @Taro Hello. Welcome! 

 

Thanks, for sharing your personal journeys.

[daveb]

@Dweller Under The Sink, @Taro, welcome!

(slice of chocolate cake on an aqua ceramic plate with a gold fork)

[StruggleSession]

5 hours ago, Dweller Under The Sink said:

Growing up, I didn't know about asexuality. Everyone else seemed to be building romantic relationships, and I just couldn't. It took me a long time to realize, that the reason I wasn't in a relationship was that i didn't want to be. Then I was convinced that I was just programmed wrong, some wire in my head went to the wrong place. In this aspect of life, I was doomed to failure.

 

A few years later I found out about asexuality and soon after found my way to AVEN. When I first heard someone ask, if you'd rather eat cake or have sex, i thought Oh My!! This is it!! That is the exact feeling I've been trying to find words for!

 

Then I realized that Whoa! There are hundreds of people here who understand exactly how I feel. I might have cried a little.

 

It gives you a fuzzy feeling to know it is okay to be you. Just being yourself is not a failure.

I can relate to a lot of this. I had I guess a more "normal" sex drive in my early to mid 20s, but it was still less than most and faded quickly. I spent the couple decades considering myself a failure and somehow "less than," even though the love I feel for my wife is greater than anything I have ever known. I naively assumed asexuality went hand in hand with aromanticism and therefore my "problem" was either physical, psychological, or both. It wasn't until I started reading people's stories on here and truly feeling their resonance with my own that it dawned on me that I was on the asexuality spectrum, and that it's not just a quick categorization tool, but an accurate way to understand who I am as a person.

[StruggleSession]

On 3/6/2022 at 4:25 PM, Clowel said:

@StruggleSessionwelcome 

 

New here myself. Not new to being asexual, though. I have known for a very long time. This is the first time I have really admitted it to anyone. Never really had anyone to say it to. 

 

BTW, I am 55 and live in the far south of New Zealand. 

 

It would be nice to have a friend. 

 

 

Indeed, come over and join us on the 50 and up thread! I just started posting on there within the last few days myself, dare I say you'll probably make friends in no time!

[Merani]

On 3/7/2022 at 6:28 PM, StruggleSession said:

I can relate to a lot of this. I had I guess a more "normal" sex drive in my early to mid 20s, but it was still less than most and faded quickly. I spent the couple decades considering myself a failure and somehow "less than," even though the love I feel for my wife is greater than anything I have ever known. I naively assumed asexuality went hand in hand with aromanticism and therefore my "problem" was either physical, psychological, or both. It wasn't until I started reading people's stories on here and truly feeling their resonance with my own that it dawned on me that I was on the asexuality spectrum, and that it's not just a quick categorization tool, but an accurate way to understand who I am as a person.

A lot of this resonated with me, StruggleSession. Thank you. You're definitely not alone, and it means a great deal to know that means I'm not either, haha.

I've spent the last hour reading through people's stories, and it's amazing to know that so many of us share a lot of experiences and feelings. Reading what feels like pieces of my own story, again and again, has been huge. I'm especially relieved to know that I'm not the only one who faced their asexuality at what feels like a later chapter in life.

 

Back in November at the age of 31, I read a book. I work in a high school library, so I read a lot of YA. Teens these days are so lucky to have the literature that did not exist when I was their age. The book was Alice Oseman's Loveless. As I am reading about a character learning that they are asexual, I too come to this very real truth about myself. I cried. I cried a lot, because to quote Loveless "It's a lot". There was no denying it. I researched at night in bed, crying. Honestly, it was a huge relief, and I felt so happy and heard, but also incredibly sad. It was a very emotional few days. But it did do this. It made me realize that I was not broken, I was just acceptably different, and not alone. That my feelings (or lack of) were valid. And I finally had something to tell my boyfriend -a reason to explain the years of unspoken tension between us that I tried to ignore and pretend didn't exist, because I didn't know what to say before. Anyways, that's a story of its own and still a work in progress.

 

After coming out to my boyfriend, I told my brother and a number of close friends when I saw them next. No one was surprised, haha. Most expected it, even my boyfriend. I'm pretty transparent, but I just didn't talk about this stuff with people then and they never knew how to approach me on the subject, so it was always left unspoken. I feel a lot more comfortable with myself now, and I have been able to make sense of a lot of things from my past. It's pretty nice. Still holding on to some guilt though, so proud is not something I can particularly say I feel at being asexual, but I hope to get there some day. Nonetheless, I am happy to be me.

 

[StruggleSession]

4 hours ago, Merani said:

A lot of this resonated with me, StruggleSession. Thank you. You're definitely not alone, and it means a great deal to know that means I'm not either, haha.

I've spent the last hour reading through people's stories, and it's amazing to know that so many of us share a lot of experiences and feelings. Reading what feels like pieces of my own story, again and again, has been huge. I'm especially relieved to know that I'm not the only one who faced their asexuality at what feels like a later chapter in life.

 

In my world, asexuality wasn't a thing when I was a teenager. I had gay and bisexual friends, but I was definitely hetero. So obviously that ends there in the early 2000s, right? 

There was a post by someone on the first page of this thread that I heavily related to, along the lines of realizing one day that the whole world is actually sexual and you're the odd one out! Yeah, I get that. I was always the 'innocent' one, but I also figured everyone exaggerated. Media, film, people's stories - Exaggerations! The constant presence of sex-this and sex-that was exhausting! IS exhausting! Sometimes it feels like the world is obsessed, and I never understood it. 

I was more of a 'late-bloomer'. I always had crushes, that I kept distant and safe, too scared to ever act on or progress anything. I always kept myself as 'one-of-the-guys' and have always been surrounded by such wonderful male friends, along with my female ones. People would often show surprise when I revealed that I had never been in a relationship. I never saw it as a big deal. It made me feel like a unicorn? Anyways. I remember when I did have sex for the first time - it was like - "I finally made it. I did the thing. I've reached the next step." Because society makes you believe that certain steps in life have to be achieved, and I just completed one of them. I remember sharing the news with a group of guy friends at a party the following day. I was congratulated. I joined the club. Well, I gotta say... What a ridiculously lame-ass club. I didn't get all the hype. I didn't find or feel something in sex that people made you believe was part of it. I never felt any burning desires (yeah, I do get aroused) and it was just... meh. Often during the deed I would wonder when we'd get to the end. "Yeah, let's hurry and finish this up, then we can go do something else!" I used to think I wanted sex, because society made me believe that's what everyone should want.

 

I got my first boyfriend a year later, at shy of 24, and we'd have regular sex, which overtime became less and less. Honestly it's been eight years now since we've been together so I cannot remember so well anymore, haha. And as is, we haven't had sex in... 4 years? I can't even remember how long anymore. It started getting worse at the end - It would hurt, or it just wasn't... feeling as it should. I don't know. I didn't know. I just didn't want to have sex anymore and it felt like pressure to try. It made me scared of it. Speculation went around between us, and from friends. I should see a doctor. I should see a psychiatrist. In truth, I just felt broken, wrong, I just didn't click like other people. (I have since learned that a lot of us ended up feeling that way, and wow. It makes me sad to think that so many people have felt this same way. It's sad and lonely, and for those in a relationship, the guilt...) 

 

I can't remember when I first learned about asexuality, but I guess a couple years later. I had a co-worker that came out, and later found out a friend was. But I never asked questions. I didn't do much research. I believed it was a very black and white sort of thing at the time so it didn't apply to me. If it ever came up, I would tell people that I was probably boarder line asexual, but I was very non-committal, because again, totally not applicable to me. I'm in a relationship, I've had sex. Who am I to self-identify? 

 

Now finally, the present, back in November at the age of 31, I read a book. I work in a high school library, so I read a lot of YA. Teens these days are so lucky to have the literature that did not exist when I was their age. The book was Alice Oseman's Loveless. As I am reading about a character learning that they are asexual, I too come to this very real truth about myself. I cried. I cried a lot, because to quote Loveless "It's a lot". There was no denying it. I researched at night in bed, crying. Honestly, it was a huge relief, and I felt so happy and heard, but also incredibly sad. It was a very emotional few days. But it did do this. It made me realize that I was not broken, I was just acceptably different, and not alone. That my feelings (or lack of) were valid. And I finally had something to tell my boyfriend -a reason to explain the years of unspoken tension between us that I tried to ignore and pretend didn't exist, because I didn't know what to say before. Anyways, that's a story of its own and still a work in progress.

 

After coming out to my boyfriend, I told my brother and a number of close friends when I saw them next. No one was surprised, haha. Most expected it, even my boyfriend. I'm pretty transparent, but I just didn't talk about this stuff with people then and they never knew how to approach me on the subject, so it was always left unspoken. I feel a lot more comfortable with myself now, and I have been able to make sense of a lot of things from my past. It's pretty nice. Still holding on to some guilt though, so proud is not something I can particularly say I feel at being asexual, but I hope to get there some day. Nonetheless, I am happy to be me.

 

I'm sorry that got so long. I told myself I'd keep this short. Yeah, that didn't work out >.< I'm just so ready and excited to connect with people who feel similarly as I to in these matters. People who 'get it'.

Never apologize for sharing your story. Even among a peer group such as this, it takes courage. And yes, I once gave short shrift to the notion of being seen and represented, but as I go through my own coming-out process, it really makes a difference. Like you, the pain and damage I've caused in my marriage through sheer neglect to address my own identity have left me in a spot where I can't yet say I take "pride" in my asexuality, but I hope to get there one day. Having open communication with people on here who have variations on the same experience is helping me a lot.

[LeChat]

On 3/7/2022 at 7:30 PM, StruggleSession said:

Indeed, come over and join us on the 50 and up thread! I just started posting on there within the last few days myself, dare I say you'll probably make friends in no time!

 Yes. There's been quite a lot of older asexuals who've joined, recently, so that's helpful for others to make friends.

 

@Merani Hello. Welcome! 

Thanks, for sharing your story. That's okay that it was long; I liked reading it and getting to know about your journey!

 

Wow! That's cool that you're a high school librarian.

[snick]

On 11/24/2012 at 4:36 PM, UF6 said:

I noticed that I was asexual around my early teens. I really thought I was in denial and just being scared of others around me. I was asked out a lot in high school and each time I rejected it and many people in my class felt I was either a closet homosexual or weird. I forced myself into thinking that I didn't have these feelings by attempting to watch various pornography of either sexes, just I never felt anything at all. I tried various other stuff in high school like going to prom, just I felt nothing. I was pretty anti-sexual and was pretty hostile to others for flirting at me or talking of sex near me. Over the years I'm not bothered by this and my girlfriend has helped calm me down. I feel since my relationship my sexual frustrations I had can come to past and I can move on.

As for what I feel of others I can like both sexes. So I guess that would make me bi? Just I like females more since I've meet more who have a much kinder character than any males I've encountered so far. Also most males I've meet even if they be gay or bi seem to handle emotions of others not as-well or feel scared to show emotions.

I've noticed after reading many others on the forums over the past few days that feeling broken is really common... I feel a bit happy in knowing that others feel this way too.

Thank you for sharing. You have a beautiful way of articulating your emotions and experiences.  

[LeChat]

@snick Hi. Welcome! 

[rainbowocollie]

It took me so, so, so long to settle on the asexual label. But it makes me happy.

[Breezer]

Hi guys,

 

I'm a newbie so a little about me. I had learned about asexuality in highschool and I automatically felt that it applied to me. However, I was always told that I didn't know any better cause I hadn't had a relationship at that point. So fast forward I joined Tinder in my junior year of college and found my first boyfriend and we have been together a bit over a year. I first identified as demisexual when we started dating but I realized as of late that my overall desire to engage in sexual acts was about 0. I came out I guess to him as well as my mom. My mom has my best intentions at heart and shes just worried about me so I know thats why shes not as accepting as she could be and my boyfriend is well still coming to terms. As of now, I just want is to be comfortable with calling myself asexual, not be afraid of being alone for the rest of my life and not feel like there is something wrong with me and I have to fix myself in some way. This is the first time in a while that I have actually felt comfortable with myself. I hope I can get to know some of you guys and learn more about myself here.  

[Unisphere1977]

Wow! This is the first thread I'm reading here, and it's my first contact with the asexual community, and I feel such a massive sense of relief! I identify with most of what has been posted here. Sex always seemed like a waste of time for me, even when it physically felt amazing. There are dozens (hundreds?) of things I'd rather do. But that felt wrong. I'm a man and I'm supposed to be obsessed with sex, right? Nope! Thank God! I feel free for the first time since puberty!

[iguessmusicwasenough]

Well, when I first learned about asexuality (in the true, not mocking way) it was from the Netflix documentary. I was devastated. Cried so hard, couldn’t move. I knew instantly that was what I was. But I was married. And since we’d been having problems in the bedroom, I knew it was my fault. I felt horrible, found this site, created this (rather depressing) profile, and then proceeded to be in denial the next 9 years.

 

Now all the sudden I feel what so many of you feel. Acceptance, maybe even pride, knowing I’m “special”, not “wrong”. I’ve always been so supportive of my gay friends, why can’t I be supportive of myself?

 

I do long for a community, and will probably be spending lots of time on here getting to know you all and hear your stories. It gives me strength. I find myself longing to come out to family and friends, but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet, and may never be.  Wishing you newbies patience and self care. 

[ﾕｰｻﾞｰﾈｰﾑ]

Hi folks! First time poster ace newbie here.
I recently listened to the book Ace by Angela Chen, and the more resonance I felt with the ideas and experiences the author described, the more it dawned on me that I could be ace. 

While I've been not sleeping with anyone and not dating for quite some time, I would roll my eyes any time someone rushed to call me asexual. I railed against the term. I think I hated the way it seemed to allow others to diagnose me with something to justify why I am indifferent to sex, which any "normal" person would love, of course. I would argue that I don't like what sex is in this current paradigm - I don't like that as someone AFAB my pleasure is not seen as an essential part of the heterosexual sex act, for example. I don't like that people AFAB are warned the act will be violent/painful for them before they even engage in it. Maybe in a different world, sex could be something I enjoy. 

Listening to Chen's book, it dawned on me that I was inadvertently touching on the idea she raises of sex-positive versus pleasure-positive. I was saying that in a world where sex is something that I genuinely can derive pleasure from, maybe I'd like it then. Ironically, the argument I thought disproved my asexuality thus further aligned me with ideas from discourse on asexuality.

It genuinely felt like a revelation that I have complete bodily autonomy, in that I don't have to give access to my body to anyone ever if I don't want. It kind of shocked me to realise I had obviously thought differently up until now. I have worried I'll be perceived as some kind of stereotype - a sex-hating Feminist killjoy, for example. I have worried that my desire for intimacy without sex being a given is asking too much, is unrealistic. I think of myself as a bit odd or a bit of an outsider in most cases anyway, and much like my recent decision to stop drinking for the most part, this was another chance for me to think to myself, "great, yet another thing that alienates you". I have resented myself for being who I am, for having to be who I am even when I try to ignore those parts of me. It has been such a beautiful breakthrough to allow myself to accept and seek out what I want - there will always be people who don't want what you want, but I realise now there are also always people who do see the world from a similar viewpoint as you, too. 

Another quite impactful part of Chen's book was the example of how the glorifying of sexual liberation can be used to manipulate or groom people. Even if it is not so explicit as direct manipulation, the prevalence of sex as liberation and not engaging in or favouring sex as repression did a lot of harm to me, and it was healing even to see someone name that. 

I wrote down some thoughts when I first started contemplating asexuality, though I never finished it I'm posting what I have below:
"I am too small. My manager congratulates me on finishing my large portion of pasta for lunch. I remember tipping my plate to show Nana how much I had eaten as a child, so she could tell me to eat more or dismiss me from the table.

I am too big. Or, my body is not perfect enough not to be obscene. My hair peeks out from my shorts on the inside of my thighs, below my belly button. My instructor's eyes linger on the small curve of my chest beneath my crop top. I forget the size of my chest does not make it unnoticeable. I forget that my body look and means differently when others see it. I sit here now with my belly soft and protruding, the straps of my top unhooked from my arms, and I feel the sexuality of my body – though typing the words makes me cringe. Softness, change it to softness. But it is sexuality, it is in my skin, in the softness.

I think I am asexual. Or, somewhere along the spectrum. Grey-A. The sexuality of my body is not the sexuality of others' bodies to me. It is not a desire to have sex, it is not a desire to have or be had.

I wrote, although each time I agreed, I don't know that I ever chose.
I wrote, my most defining sexual experiences I approached as experiments, observing.
I wrote, you can have sex without love and you can love without sex.
I wrote, I refused with silence because I had no points of reference for refusal, I had no lines to read from.

I was afraid of sex indifference and all it would mean for me. I stopped physically participating in the lie of sexual ubiquity as sexual liberty, but I was still mentally subscribed. I was afraid to believe that sex is something I can not give to someone full stop. I realised that some part of the social psyche assumes at least theoretical sexual availability for all people at any one time. Revocation of that potential is objectionable, is overkill, is unfair. This means somehow this potential is owed, to no one in particular, and anyone at all.

It is revelatory to realise the laughably simple truth that we in fact have complete bodily autonomy – of what we do and do not lend ourselves to, no matter the assumptions the lending requests are laced with."

 

Thanks for taking the time to read.