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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


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DrinkingTeaInVienna

Oh my. I can't remember my first encounter with the word "asexual".

But I do remember that it hasn't been used in a kind way.

More in the line of "You don't have sex. You're asexual. You're weird.".

That's why it took me so long to come to terms with being on the asexual spectrum and acknowledging my identity.

But I'm still not out (only here - newly) and feel quite anxious about coming out.

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3 hours ago, DrinkingTeaInVienna said:

Oh my. I can't remember my first encounter with the word "asexual".

But I do remember that it hasn't been used in a kind way.

More in the line of "You don't have sex. You're asexual. You're weird.".

That's why it took me so long to come to terms with being on the asexual spectrum and acknowledging my identity.

But I'm still not out (only here - newly) and feel quite anxious about coming out.

Coming is totally up to you.

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AFriedChestnut

I’m still not completely sure about my sexual orientation cuz I’m only 16 and maybe I’m too young? But unlike most of my friends, I never felt sexual attraction and don’t want to be in a relationship (especially sexual relationship)

 

However, knowing asexual as a spectrum makes me…relaxed in a sort of way? Sex never appeals to me starting from the day when I know what is it about, and I’m relieved to know many people thinks the same. During the process of learning more about the LGBTQ+ community, learning all other spectrums are like gaining a new insight but I clearly know I’m not one of it, but when it comes to asexual, I just feel that I identify with it, it just “clicks”

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  • 1 month later...

I'm super new to aven (like, not even half an hour new) and I'm still pleasantly surprised that this exists. Looking back on when I realized I was Ace (around 11 or 12) I'm honestly sure that the only reason I hadn't identified as ace before is just because I didn't know it was a thing. I went to my dad about it and he just told me that I was too young to be thinking about it anyway, however my friends had mostly all lost their virginity. I struggled for a while because I thought that I was going to HAVE to get married and have children... I used my plans for the future as an excuse as to why I couldn't have that. (Marine biologist). So, hello fellow ace's, I'm happy to find my community!

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4 hours ago, SkyTheSnake said:

I'm super new to aven (like, not even half an hour new) and I'm still pleasantly surprised that this exists. Looking back on when I realized I was Ace (around 11 or 12) I'm honestly sure that the only reason I hadn't identified as ace before is just because I didn't know it was a thing. I went to my dad about it and he just told me that I was too young to be thinking about it anyway, however my friends had mostly all lost their virginity. I struggled for a while because I thought that I was going to HAVE to get married and have children... I used my plans for the future as an excuse as to why I couldn't have that. (Marine biologist). So, hello fellow ace's, I'm happy to find my community!

Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

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I knew about asexuality for awhile before ever considering that i could be ace. Once i finally did consider it, i felt relieved, but not because i knew i wasn’t broken. 

 

I always thought that, someday, inevitably, i would HAVE TO have sex, which was terrifying to me as someone who is sex repulsed. When i realized i might be ace, i was relieved that i now had a legitimate reason to never have sex, which is a totally bad mindset.

 

Nobody HAS TO have sex, regardless of their reason for not having it. Whether i’m ace or not, i will never have to have sex if i don’t want to. It’s not “I don’t have to have sex because i’m asexual,” it’s “I don’t have to have sex, period.” I’m glad that i see that now. 

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Janus the Fox

I think I knew about Asexuality for 3 years the first time I signed up here.  I don’t know I was honestly looking for something that was not there and therapy telling my to explore homosexuality first before identifying, perhaps helped.  7 years identified in full my curiosities where answered finding a relationship with sex involved, solidified my Aro Ace identity practically under lock and key 4 years ago.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Boston_maddie

It’s nice to know now that there isn’t something physically wrong with me and that there are others who feel the same way. At the same time, as someone who desires a romantic but mostly/completely non-sexual relationship, I am concerned about how much harder this is going to make dating. It’s already hard enough being a tall plus size woman in her mid thirties. Basically it’s a weird combination of feeling relief and feeling doomed at the same time.

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I'm 45 years old, been married with second hand kids almost half as long.  Found out it wasn't just me at a party when someone I never met asked where my ring was.  Didn't know what she was talking about. It was awkward.  And disappointing.  Now that I know what she meant and how far my legend has grown I wonder if I get to have the conversation for real, or if it's going to keep going on without me.  I guess knowing that someone out there might understand has to balance the fact that I'm really not that good at pretending to be human.

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@Space Case Hey, there! Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

 

:) I just thought I'd mention that, if you're interested in chatting with others around your age, with similar experiences, there's an "Older Asexuals" forum that you could check out, as well.

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  • 3 weeks later...

hello, i'm new around here. you can call me Ghostie, i'm 24 and single. i don't know when exactly i first realized i was on the ace spectrum, but i haven't been able to get into a serious relationship with anyone since my first boyfriend. i've dated many people in the years since and just never felt anything strongly for anyone, even tho i get propositioned regularly. i'm just very ambivalent towards sex, so i don't want to disappoint all the allos that show interest in me and so i never start anything.

 

i started wearing an ace ring and i just feel so comfortable wearing it. but some of my online friends have noticed it and there's been subtle jabs from my allo friends like posting jokes about how asexuality is just an excuse for not having a girlfriend. which i feel like is a way of peer pressuring me into finding happiness or something. but even tho i want a girlfriend, i'm not interested in sex, so i feel like a long term relationship is never going to happen and don't bother trying to start anything in the first place.

 

it turns off pretty much any guy i talk to on dating apps to hear that i'm ace once they understand what it is. and some lesbians don't understand it either. so i feel stuck since i still want a girl to hangout with and sleepover and cuddle and watch movies, just without the sex.

 

if anyone can relate or give any advice, i'd love to hear it.

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Anemone hepatica

I don’t know when I first heard about asexuality, but I certainly didn’t make any connection to myself. It was just a thing I knew about the world and people. It was a thing easy to understand, though, and obviously my own experiences affected that, but I hadn’t analysed them that much – I just knew I didn’t want sex much, and I had understood that being without it was a lot easier for me than for many if not most other people.

 

After two relationships in which my reluctance to do sexual things caused a lot of problems I had to resign to a future with no partnership, as it would be awfully unlikely to ever find a person whom I would like enough (tough), who would like me enough (not easy either), and on top of that who would be okay with little to no sex.

 

About a year ago I met a researcher who studied asexuality. Their research was really interesting, but that’s what I think about most research I hear about. Around the same time I also saw a short film in which there was a very common scene: a woman and a man have got to know each a little and found that they like each other, they say something positive about each other, then they look each other in the eye and you know there’s a connection between them, they lean closer to each other, and then they kiss (how can anyone want to kiss someone they’ve know for a few days!? this always baffles me in films and on television), but wait – no kiss this time! The woman leans towards the man and closes her eyes, but the man says: ‘Umm, I have this, like, I’m demisexual. So I don’t want anything physical without a proper emotional basis.’ The scene is a little comical in the film (but not in a disrespectful way). In the next scene they do something nice together in a relaxed way, like watch a film.

 

That sounded somehow great. Still I didn’t look demisexuality up, although it kept coming to my mind. Quite recently I heard a conference presentation by the researcher of asexuality I had met before, and in the bibliography I saw the word demisexual again, as well as a new word, greysexual. I wrote them down, because now I really wanted to find out what they meant.

 

It still took me weeks to do it. Two days ago I finally did an internet search, and wow! There was so much that matched my experiences, and not only the things I already knew about myself, but other things I hadn’t thought about before. So many things made sense now! Pieces fell into places one by one. One resource especially, and its list of ‘Maybe you [e.g. don’t understand why there are half-naked people in so many advertisements and tv series]’ sentences made tears come into my eyes. But that wasn’t the only thing. There were other people who had similar feelings, not just in theory, but actual, real people whose experiences I could relate to, and – oh, wow – who would quite probably understand what I was talking about if I talked to them. 😮😶

 

I’m not on any forums, I’m barely on Facebook and hardly ever post anything myself, but when I found this forum I signed up on the same day. And here I am, writing my second post already. I would never have believed it.

 

Knowing that asexuality or demisexuality or grey asexuality are things that have names, that there’s terminology for them, is mind-blowing because the terms and the websites can help me help other people understand me if ever I want to do so. And just as importantly, with these terms, it’s possible to find other people whose stories I can relate to and vice versa.

 

Another feeling is a kind of awakening for the broader societal aspects. It’s not just my own personality issue but a huge thing. There are norms that need to be challenged, and people need to be educated. I didn’t know anything about this, and suddenly not only do I know but I’m in the middle of it myself. It’s different to want justice and well-being to a minority you’re not a part of and to one you are.

 

So, eye-opening on many levels. I’m so glad I found the information, although I’m still a bit dazed by it all.

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😃 Hello, my name is Jason, and it's a relief to finally find out what's been "wrong" with me all these years.

I just recently turned 39 years old and I've been wondering what my problem was, nearly my entire life.

 

It's very annoying and aggravating going out with friends to a bar, or any social event really, and you can't explain to them why you're not in a relationship with anyone, or that (in my case) you've never even had sex.

Yes, I admit it, I'm the real life 40 year old virgin, or at least I'm pretty sure I will be by this time next year.

My friends are always pointing out women to me, and I've had a few literally shake their stuff right in front of me, and I wasn't impressed in the slightest.

 

Everyone thinks I'm gay (I'm not) or there is something seriously wrong with me.

I would love for a woman to just sit down and have an intelligent conversation with me, it's that easy but no matter what, it always leads back to sex, boring old sex.

Maybe I sound stupid because I've never had sex but it's only because it never really interested me.

 

Sure I'm slightly curious about it, but it's not a high priority for me.

Some people treat me like less of a person, but I laugh at them, because they don't understand, and I've tried to explain it but it doesn't sink in with them.

 

Now to be fair, and maybe I should've mentioned this sooner, but yes I do have a few screws loose, I've suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life and I do take meds.

I was thinking maybe my sex drive is messed up by my meds, but truthfully I've felt this way (asexual) as far back as I can remember, even before I was on meds.

 

I guess for me this is a long story, and I just want to say I'm happy I'm not alone, and I'm glad there are many others here who understand, it is relieving.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi! I remember first hearing the word "asexual" in the show "Sirens." I was in high school and my mother was watching the show. I remembered thinking, "Hmm, that's an option?" and not thinking anything of it until actually quite recently. In a world obsessed with sex, it's nice to know there are others who also just aren't interested in having sex. 

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1 hour ago, katetheace said:

In a world obsessed with sex, it's nice to know there are others who also just aren't interested in having sex. 

That's for sure

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AConfusedbean

I was researching the ace spectrum because one of my online friends in an ace and after researching it I felt very relived but not the "thank god I'm normal" (since I already know I'm not normal and I'm not mad about that) but it's kinda like "thank god I am not obligated to have a romantic nor a sexual relationship" because I was pretty scared that I have to be in a relationship than I'm not comfortable with. :D

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Hi everyone! I have been reading the AVEN forums for a long time but only recently joined and finally participate in them. They have been an immense help to me, espcially reading about other people's experiences. 

 

As for me, I only came to the realisation that I'm ace under a year ago at 39 years old so it has been a long journey. Like a lot of people have said here, I believed that I wasn't normal and that I was "broken" and accepted that for way too long. When I did come to the realisation and acceptance that I'm asexual it was a huge relief, a weight lifted off of my shoulders that has been there for much of my life.

 

There is one feeling however that I can't shake off. I do feel like a fool for not realising sooner. Yeah, hindsight is always 20/20 but the signs were all there and fairly obvious when I look back all the way from my teenage years to today. Anyway, it is what it is and more importantly, I'm very happy knowing that I am perfectly fine just the way I am.

 

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@Mezzala Hi. Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

 

Thanks, for sharing that. If you feel like chatting with others around your age, who feel the same way about wishing they knew they were asexual when they were younger, there's an "Older Asexuals" forum, with threads of different age groups.

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Hey everyone! To be honest, I was kind of nervous signing up here - it's like making it official that I'm not the alloromantic allosexual person I've always wanted to be (always thought I was). Writing this, I still feel pretty nervous...

I've identified as aromantic first, specifically lithromantic - it just clicked somehow. At first, I was ecstatic, because I'd finally found something (a label? a community?) that feels right to me. Then came the "I don't want to be like this! I don't want to be alone forever"-phase - and then I found other people talking about being lithromantic on the internet, identifying as lithromantic, aromantic, whatever. It was great, this feeling of not being alone after all.

When I started considering that I might be not only aromantic but asexual as well, and when I realized that I really don't want to have sex, I felt rather alone. Talking to a few people in my environment, not on the internet, I felt like I had to justify myself for identifying the way I do. Lines like "You just haven't found the right one yet" are the worst, because they state that it's normal to find someone; that I need to find someone to have a romantic relationship and sex with. (It also made me want to read as much about amatonormativity as possible, so that I can feel better about dismantling such underlying assumptions and show people how harmful this mindset can be...)

I still doubt myself, a lot. I feel like I have to. I feel like people expect that as soon as one identifies as something other than the allo-norm. But: now I signed up for AVEN, and I'm writing this, which is a start :) I hope I'll get to know a lot of people here who feel the same way, or similarly, or who just know what that identification can mean on a personal level!

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Hello all, I’m fairly new to asexuality.  One of my sisters is a member of the LGBTQ+ community and it was only recently that I felt comfortable enough to talk with her about how I feel towards sex.  After listening to me explain how hard it was to transition into the intimacy phase with anyone and having apathetic feelings towards sex in general she told me about asexuality.

 

I found this site through some light research into the definition of asexuality and have realized how much I have in common with those who have posted here.  My mind was blown after reading so many stories that are so similar to my own experiences.  I was left feeling happy, angry, validated, educated, and liberated. Sooooo many emotions all at once 😵.

 

I’ve had issues with sex throughout my life; its affect has been various but most were negative. The hardest part of being asexual was not understanding my own sexuality and not being able to convey that to others.  I’ve endured several “misunderstandings” and experienced sexual trauma because of this lack of understanding and the inability to stop what was happening.

 

I’m not ready to go into any of that yet and will seek therapy for it when I do. However, discovering this forum and reading up on what asexuality is and how it affects people has given me a knowledge foundation to work from and I’m hoping to be able to fully heal.

 

My goal through this forum is to learn and connect with others, heal and learn to trust relationships again.  I am 38, just completed 20 years in the Navy, and started a new job/life as a civilian; because of that I’m experiencing everything in a whole new way.  This is the perfect time to work on myself and learn to love myself absolutely.

 

It’s nice to meet everyone and I look forward to a better future with this group. 😌

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