Jump to content

I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


Lady Girl

Recommended Posts

SoulSinger7

Hi. So I read an article about asexuality a month or so ago which lead me to this site. And I felt huge relief - definitely the “wow, I’m not broken” feeling. But I’m still adjusting. 
Having had relationships during my 20s-early 30s which were abusive to different extents, and my first experience of sex being an assault, I couldn’t isolate the brokenness. I never enjoyed sex and felt something was missing or something was wrong with me. 

I find that I’m drawn to people and attracted to them - but to personalities and closeness. Not to sex. I never understood how porn could appeal to anyone, and I don’t find people physically attractive. But I do find myself in close strong emotional connections with people. 

So I think I’m asexual but heteromantic. Definitely other people’s comments about asexuality resonate. But I still would love to have a family. I guess at the moment I’m still navigating and finding my way through. And thankful that I have a best friend who accepts me as I am without thinking I’m odd. Unlike so many before. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, SoulSinger7 said:

And thankful that I have a best friend who accepts me as I am without thinking I’m odd.

That's great! :D 

 

Welcome, and feel free to take your time and look around and explore. While you do that here's some :cake: for you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ace_ventura

I have always struggled with female romantic relationships, going back to like high school days. I'm fine with platonic relationships with women. For whatever reason, they all seem to go sideways at some point. I somehow feel now in my mid-40s, with the life experience I've had, I'd probably do better, but if I do end up getting divorced, I'm not going to be in a big hurry to rush back into a romantic relationship. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think I have known for a while, I just never openly and seriously admitted it. It started with me joking about it with family and friends as a teenager, but now i'm 34 and nothing has changed for me, and it has really started to sink in this last year.

I'm still not sexually attracted to anyone. But I still have all the voices of all the people who said to me over the years, "You just need to find the right person." rattling around in my head, and I'm afraid that I will meet someone and be attracted to them and feel like a complete idiot and fraud for thinking I was ace.

 

But you know, it has yet to happen, and i'm honestly happiest this way, despite sometimes feeling guilty or wrong for thinking it.

Edited by Larks87
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

UpMy story started at some point when I started to hear the definition asexuality from bojack horseman and I said that's kinda me then I started to discover that asexuality because I don't want sexual partner and I discovered that I belong under the spectrum so yay I'm not weirdie or broken or prude I'm maybe a thing between gray asexual or demisexual because I feel it but so weak like turn on then turn off permanently no sexual desire but I like being around people and make them happy I exprience romance little bit and arousal little bit for no reason and for people who are pleasing to see so I found that I don't desire sex so I'm ace and thank god

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...

At the age of 31, I'm just now coming to discover and accept that I'm asexual! 
I was confused for a long time and I put myself in a lot of uncomfortable situations in my efforts to figure out what my 'deal' is and why I was never fully comfortable in intimate relationships. 
I was in denial for a long time, too. I came out as aro ages ago. But I think I had a lot of internalized dysfunctional ideas about sex and intimacy, and some very confusing experiences, and it kind of clogged up my path to asexuality. It was really confusing, because once in a while when the planets magically align, I was open to sex, in a vague way. If the right person put it on the table, in the right way at the right moment, I might be like "eh, sure, could be fun, why not?" I'm a curious person, not fully repulsed by sex; I don't mind trying new things and testing out different sensations, and it can be a fun way to bond more with someone I already like and trust idk. But it's rare that the mood strikes, and it doesn't last long. I never want sex to be, like, a regular thing. I find it boring. I have no personal drive to make it happen. It means nothing to me. I just don't care about it. xD

Within relationships, I never initiated sex, and it always caused problems. The pressure to have a "healthy" amount of sex (as defined by media and my partners' desires but never mine), would just wreck me over time. I thought I was a bad partner, I thought I was doing relationships wrong. I felt invisible, I felt like the No Sex I actually wanted wasn't something that was allowed. Me wanting No Sex was a sign of a failed relationship, a lack of intimacy, a message of estrangement, a declaration of indifference to my partner and their needs. So I'd just compromise and compromise until I burned out and ended the relationships. Over time I'd come to feel so unappreciated, taken for granted, even used. I felt there was no way out. If I stopped having sex, they'd leave anyway, so I'd beat them to it and break up with them to escape from endless sexual demands. :(
And that's just kinda how I lived for a good chunk of my life.   
I questioned whether I was asexual a few times throughout this, but I always thought that, because I've wanted to have sex to please people I cared about, and once in a while I even enjoyed it, I couldn't be ace. So I was indeed just Wrong. 
So imagine my relief to find that not all asexuals are sex-repulsed, and some do indeed have sex sometimes! "Sex-indifferent" is a thing! The fact that I have sex sometimes doesn't erase the fact that a "normal" sex life life for me means NOT having sex almost all of the time. And that's totally okay, it's just my own personal balance. 
AAAND I'm just. I cry. To let go of the pressure to have sex in order to earn companionship and affection.... :'D
I had a moment when I suddenly realized that I never HAVE to have sex again! That's a thing I can choose! And it's okay!! I can still have a relationship that fulfills my desire for physical intimacy without sex!
I don't have to grit my teeth through the chore of sex in order to earn cuddles. 
I feel a bit like someone told me I never have to do laundry again, but I'll still always have clean clothes to wear. 
There is a WORD that I can use to set a boundary I'm actually okay with!
I never have to put on the 'this is fine' show during sex again, I don't have to compromise or settle or perform.

(And on those rare occasions when I do have sex, I can actually enjoy it authentically because I understand my own boundaries better and I'm in control of what it means and when it ends.) 

I can just let so much 'wtf is wrong with me' anxiety go. I can just put that burden down. Nothing. It's not a thing. 
Since coming out as ace, I finally feel like I OWN my sexuality. I'm making my own choices. I'm finally telling the truth. 

It's just a huge RELIEF. I feel more confident? Lighter, moving through life is easier. I feel safer. 

Just pure, euphoric freedom.
:D
 

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 9/14/2021 at 7:42 PM, notatrickster said:

At the age of 31, I'm just now coming to discover and accept that I'm asexual! 
I was confused for a long time and I put myself in a lot of uncomfortable situations in my efforts to figure out what my 'deal' is and why I was never fully comfortable in intimate relationships. 
I was in denial for a long time, too. I came out as aro ages ago. But I think I had a lot of internalized dysfunctional ideas about sex and intimacy, and some very confusing experiences, and it kind of clogged up my path to asexuality. It was really confusing, because once in a while when the planets magically align, I was open to sex, in a vague way. If the right person put it on the table, in the right way at the right moment, I might be like "eh, sure, could be fun, why not?" I'm a curious person, not fully repulsed by sex; I don't mind trying new things and testing out different sensations, and it can be a fun way to bond more with someone I already like and trust idk. But it's rare that the mood strikes, and it doesn't last long. I never want sex to be, like, a regular thing. I find it boring. I have no personal drive to make it happen. It means nothing to me. I just don't care about it. xD

Within relationships, I never initiated sex, and it always caused problems. The pressure to have a "healthy" amount of sex (as defined by media and my partners' desires but never mine), would just wreck me over time. I thought I was a bad partner, I thought I was doing relationships wrong. I felt invisible, I felt like the No Sex I actually wanted wasn't something that was allowed. Me wanting No Sex was a sign of a failed relationship, a lack of intimacy, a message of estrangement, a declaration of indifference to my partner and their needs. So I'd just compromise and compromise until I burned out and ended the relationships. Over time I'd come to feel so unappreciated, taken for granted, even used. I felt there was no way out. If I stopped having sex, they'd leave anyway, so I'd beat them to it and break up with them to escape from endless sexual demands. :(
And that's just kinda how I lived for a good chunk of my life.   
I questioned whether I was asexual a few times throughout this, but I always thought that, because I've wanted to have sex to please people I cared about, and once in a while I even enjoyed it, I couldn't be ace. So I was indeed just Wrong. 
So imagine my relief to find that not all asexuals are sex-repulsed, and some do indeed have sex sometimes! "Sex-indifferent" is a thing! The fact that I have sex sometimes doesn't erase the fact that a "normal" sex life life for me means NOT having sex almost all of the time. And that's totally okay, it's just my own personal balance. 
AAAND I'm just. I cry. To let go of the pressure to have sex in order to earn companionship and affection.... :'D
I had a moment when I suddenly realized that I never HAVE to have sex again! That's a thing I can choose! And it's okay!! I can still have a relationship that fulfills my desire for physical intimacy without sex!
I don't have to grit my teeth through the chore of sex in order to earn cuddles. 
I feel a bit like someone told me I never have to do laundry again, but I'll still always have clean clothes to wear. 
There is a WORD that I can use to set a boundary I'm actually okay with!
I never have to put on the 'this is fine' show during sex again, I don't have to compromise or settle or perform.

(And on those rare occasions when I do have sex, I can actually enjoy it authentically because I understand my own boundaries better and I'm in control of what it means and when it ends.) 

I can just let so much 'wtf is wrong with me' anxiety go. I can just put that burden down. Nothing. It's not a thing. 
Since coming out as ace, I finally feel like I OWN my sexuality. I'm making my own choices. I'm finally telling the truth. 

It's just a huge RELIEF. I feel more confident? Lighter, moving through life is easier. I feel safer. 

Just pure, euphoric freedom.
:D
 

I just love your post, it screams joy and happiness and contentment and more.   And the bit about finally feeling like you own your sexuality - I love that.   You own it, you're free to choose how to use it - or not use it.  For me, you've pretty much described the secret of happiness and contentment that we're all, as human beans, striving to achieve.  😊

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, I new here and to being asexual as a whole.

I think my first time I was ace was during a sex ed class discussing about STDs and how I was mostly disinterest, even disgust with the thought of having sex with anyone. I only later found out asexual was even a label which I thought fit perfectly how I felt

My first thoughts when I realized I was ace I was mostly neutral. It didn't bother me nor excite me in anyway since I already made a choice to devout my time with my studies and other hobbies I wanted to do. It was a 'whatever' kind of feeling.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, SteamPunks said:

Hey, I new here and to being asexual as a whole.

I think my first time I was ace was during a sex ed class discussing about STDs and how I was mostly disinterest, even disgust with the thought of having sex with anyone. I only later found out asexual was even a label which I thought fit perfectly how I felt

My first thoughts when I realized I was ace I was mostly neutral. It didn't bother me nor excite me in anyway since I already made a choice to devout my time with my studies and other hobbies I wanted to do. It was a 'whatever' kind of feeling.

 

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: I dont recall my reaction to sex ed safe to say that I never put what I learned to use.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

For many years I have felt a bit broken and strange (alone) because I have never felt sexual or romantic attraction to anyone ( or at least I don’t think I have), so when I found out I wasn’t the only one I was very relieved. It’s not nice to feel like the odd one out and feeling like I can’t relate to everybody around me or them to me. 
I have tried to rationalise my lack of attraction for ages. “ I’m too depressed/anxious/ numb to feel anything else, maybe when I feel better I will” , or “ I just need to meet the right person”. Things that people around me have also said to me. 
However at this point in my life, I think I’m never going to feel the same way a lot of people around me do about romantic relationships and so knowing that I’m not the only one makes me incredibly happy that I’m not alone or strange. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I'm aroace and I first discovered I'm asexual, where I was like huh, so that's a thing. Cool. But I actually had to dig deep inside myself to realize I actually didn't feel sexual attraction towards anyone, and it was even harder with realizing I don't feel romantic attraction, because it's super difficult to understand something you don't experience. I'm not repulsed by sex, so I thought I want it and that I feel the same as everyone else around me, so finding out that asexuality exists really frees me to follow what I actually feel, not society's idea of relationships and sex. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/26/2012 at 1:23 AM, alison_alice said:

I had mixed feelings. Initially I was really, really upset because I felt like all of my life plans (i.e. wife and mother) had been destroyed. At the same time, I felt sort of relieved, too that asexuality was an actual thing. I mean, I think I should have realized something was up when I was literally calculating how times I'd probably have to have sex to get the amount of kids I wanted (always wanted multiples; less sex, more kids XD). Currently, I'm still not totally comfortable/at peace with my asexuality, but I feel much more positively about it than I did before, and I feel like I understand myself so much more. It's helped me realign my priorities (I don't even want kids or marriage anymore, lol), but at the same time it's made me sort of hyperaware of how I physically interact with other people which can be...uncomfortable at times. So sort of a mixed bag for me.

Yeah same I’ve wanted to have a soulmate for a while now and when I was in a bad place the thought of someone loving me unconditionally like they do in books and knowing all the parts of you sounded incredible. I thought ‘that’s what I want’. But I’m in a relationship and he is definitely not my soulmate, and I have no desire to kiss him or anything but then it might just be because I only like him as a friend? Ughhhh anyone else struggling this much to try and find out what they are?!

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/1/2021 at 6:37 PM, acegrig said:

Well, I'm aroace and I first discovered I'm asexual, where I was like huh, so that's a thing. Cool. But I actually had to dig deep inside myself to realize I actually didn't feel sexual attraction towards anyone, and it was even harder with realizing I don't feel romantic attraction, because it's super difficult to understand something you don't experience. I'm not repulsed by sex, so I thought I want it and that I feel the same as everyone else around me, so finding out that asexuality exists really frees me to follow what I actually feel, not society's idea of relationships and sex. 

Yesss like the idea of sex doesn’t completely repulse me and I masturbate and imagine other people touching me but when it comes down to it, I don’t even really like kissing. Does that mean I’m some sort of ace or do I just not like my partner romantically/sexually??

Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, WhoamIlol said:

Yesss like the idea of sex doesn’t completely repulse me and I masturbate and imagine other people touching me but when it comes down to it, I don’t even really like kissing. Does that mean I’m some sort of ace or do I just not like my partner romantically/sexually??

Omg I had the same dilemma about a relationship I had before figuring out I was aroace. Well, what I did and I think is the best method to figure out not only your orientation but what you actually want and don't want from your relationships is to think about all the crushes you had, and analyze what did you actually want that relationship to develop into. Ask yourself, would I have wanted to have sex with this person, or kiss them, or date them, if there were no expectations whatsoever, if I could be fully myself. And that will tell you if you are ace or an allo who doesn't like kissing 😌

Link to post
Share on other sites

Finding out I was asexual was very relieving. I finally got closure to knowing who I am and what makes me me. I don’t feel different then anyone else it’s just who I am and I’m happy and sad about that at the same time. Being asexual has made me feel lonely though and sad especially being around people who talk very sexually it just makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes and a lot of people don’t understand so you feel like you can’t talk to anyone. I’m happy and sad about it but I’m happy I found this 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/5/2021 at 8:03 AM, cmatzky said:

Finding out I was asexual was very relieving. I finally got closure to knowing who I am and what makes me me. I don’t feel different then anyone else it’s just who I am and I’m happy and sad about that at the same time. Being asexual has made me feel lonely though and sad especially being around people who talk very sexually it just makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes and a lot of people don’t understand so you feel like you can’t talk to anyone. I’m happy and sad about it but I’m happy I found this 

Hey! I see you're new to the community. I am too and I don't yet have any ace friend. Would you like to chat? 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to AVEN folks! :cake: 

 

(I've identified as asexual since 2005)

Link to post
Share on other sites

When I first heard of asexuality I decided to try to ignore it for about a year and a half. 🙃 I guess that's called denial. When I finally said 'ok this [sex, sexuality, romantic relationships, feeling left out, feeling behind, feeling stressed and abnormal, etc.] isn't working and started digging into what this all was I'll say I was actually....still in denial.

 

Trying to find a quick answer in Google always brought me back to asexuality and AVEN as an answer - to which I responded to that isn't quite right. It wasn't until I was posting on Reddit, Tumblr, and AVEN day in and day out trying to understand that I better understood different types of attraction and that I was indeed ace.

 

However, I was still floating on Denial River. At this point it took weeks to realize that most people are a bit of a walking contradiction and the ace community itself has many different camps and opinions on what is and isn't ace/aspec that I finally felt like I wasn't a fake and that I could be accepted as ace and accept myself as ace. And it was at this point she cried. Relief - fear - understanding - connected. At this point of better understanding asexuality and my asexuality specifically it helped me work out so many of my feelings and experiences in ways that don't think I ever would have even years down the road.

 

I'm incredibly grateful for AVEN and the comm I've found here!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
secure_indifference

I'm new and I'll share my story. I discovered the asexuality spectrum when I was in junior high, before my friends started becoming more open about sexual stuff. I thought it was normal, so I didn't come out. When my friends started getting into sexual relationships and sharing things about them in high school, that's when it finally clicked that there was a divide. Those conversations were pretty uncomfortable for me. At first, I thought I was a late bloomer and identified as demisexual. I had never felt sexual attraction to anyone, but I misinterpreted as a "maybe I will in the future" thing. It took me until the end of my sophomore year to finally embrace that I didn't feel sexual attraction at all. It wasn't a big relief or a major change in mindset. I stopped thinking about the "what ifs" and started thinking about my personal experience. Since then, I think of my asexuality as a personal thing. I don't come out to most people since it's not their business. I don't want to be so defined by it that I'm only known as the "ace girl." This community is my exception.

Link to post
Share on other sites

When I learned about my sexually I realize I didn’t want sex with guys so I through I was only attractive to women. I than learned I’m not attractive to sex with women ever. So now I feel very lonely and sad but also free because I know myself and I never will let anyone pressure me into sex, man or woman. 
 

I just want a relationship where I can hold hands and cuddle and not be a “tease.” I hate being guilt tripped to prove who I am. 
 

I lot of sexually jokes go over the head and I’m ok with that. I don’t watch porn, I don’t please myself. I like dating just not what it leads to. I would love to be in a serious non sexual relationship someday.   

Link to post
Share on other sites
22 minutes ago, Meliza said:

When I learned about my sexually I realize I didn’t want sex with guys so I through I was only attractive to women. I than learned I’m not attractive to sex with women ever. So now I feel very lonely and sad but also free because I know myself and I never will let anyone pressure me into sex, man or woman. 
 

I just want a relationship where I can hold hands and cuddle and not be a “tease.” I hate being guilt tripped to prove who I am. 
 

I lot of sexually jokes go over the head and I’m ok with that. I don’t watch porn, I don’t please myself. I like dating just not what it leads to. I would love to be in a serious non sexual relationship someday.   

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: There are folks here that while they are asexual they are hetero-or homo-romantic. I know of one thru chatting and met another a couple of years ago.

 

Both have said that things go well with the other person until that person brings up the topic of sex.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's taken me a long time to realize I'm ace. I'm almost 30 and have spent my whole life trying to convince myself that I'd eventually find someone I'd want to have sex with, and I only hadn't so far because I wasn't pretty enough, or nice enough, or didn't put myself out there enough, and I was just prioritizing other things over "fixing" myself to make myself good enough for someone else to want to date. Having never had sex felt like a failure, and boy can I relate to all the descriptions of feeling broken. I've felt broken my whole life. 

 

I've known about asexuality for ages, but it's always a footnote to the rest of sex ed and even to the LGBTQ+ community; nobody in my life ever talked about not wanting to end up with someone, or being uninterested in sex. Finally, during the pandemic, I spent a lot more time on Reddit than I ever have (while working from home) and discovered the subreddits on asexuality and greysexuality - and there was a part of me that felt like I'd FINALLY found my people, and another part that completely rebelled against that. I didn't want to be ace; and a part of me still mourns what I'm afraid I'll never have - a loving relationship, someone to explore life and grow old with, maybe kids. I'm scared I've lost all that by finally accepting that I don't want sex to be a significant part of my life, and really just not a part at all. I'm not repulsed by sex, and am fine with other people talking about it and living their best lives, but as soon as I suspect someone is interested in me physically, I want to literally run away. (So maybe I'm kind of repulsed by sex? Still figuring that out.)

 

But it's incredible to read all these stories of people realizing they're ace, embracing their whole selves and setting boundaries for what they want in relationships, and I'm more and more okay with being ace - and actually really happy about it sometimes! I feel so free, and relieved!!! I've only told one person in my life, who was super supportive (she's my twin sister, and I knew she'd be great), and I've bought a ring with the colors of the ace pride flag as a subtle pride thing just for me; but I'm scared to tell other people. I know my siblings will all support me, and my friends as well, but honestly, I'm terrified to come out to my parents: my mom in particular spoke really disparagingly of a friend's child who came out as ace a decade ago, making all kinds of comments about how that young woman couldn't possibly know what she wants, and I'm scared of becoming a disappointment or a black sheep, being the person her friends talk about with their families as a kind of warning story or tale of woe. 

 

I'm trying to focus on the positive: I can finally forgive myself for not wanting sex, and look for a relationship where that's not an expectation; I'm not trying to force myself into situations where I'll magically meet someone and want to have sex with them; and even if I never end up having a family of my own, I have sisters who are definitely planning on having kids, and I can be the best freaking aunt in the whole world. If I want kids of my own, maybe I'll adopt, or be a surrogate, or foster, or use a sperm donor. But it's hard sometimes! I'm working on loving myself just as I am, and not freaking out about the future. I'm going to be okay. All the testaments here seem to support that. And that's what I'm going to keep telling myself until I fully believe it - even if it takes a lifetime.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Cacophonic Dirge

I just found this forum about a month ago and have been working up the nerves to post. Even though I find men attractive I don't have a desire to kiss, cuddle or even have intimate relations with them. I can feel love but all my relationships as short lived as they have been have always remained platonic. I think my past boyfriends must have been quite confused when the relationship did not progress in that manner. I eventually gave up on pairing up because it just isn't for me and I'm happy with that. I like having a good network of friends and with that I am content.

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, lyndac608 said:

 

 

But it's incredible to read all these stories of people realizing they're ace, embracing their whole selves and setting boundaries for what they want in relationships, and I'm more and more okay with being ace - and actually really happy about it sometimes! I feel so free, and relieved!!! I've only told one person in my life, who was super supportive (she's my twin sister, and I knew she'd be great), and I've bought a ring with the colors of the ace pride flag as a subtle pride thing just for me; but I'm scared to tell other people. I know my siblings will all support me, and my friends as well, but honestly, I'm terrified to come out to my parents: my mom in particular spoke really disparagingly of a friend's child who came out as ace a decade ago, making all kinds of comments about how that young woman couldn't possibly know what she wants, and I'm scared of becoming a disappointment or a black sheep, being the person her friends talk about with their families as a kind of warning story or tale of woe. 

 

I'm trying to focus on the positive: I can finally forgive myself for not wanting sex, and look for a relationship where that's not an expectation; I'm not trying to force myself into situations where I'll magically meet someone and want to have sex with them; and even if I never end up having a family of my own, I have sisters who are definitely planning on having kids, and I can be the best freaking aunt in the whole world. If I want kids of my own, maybe I'll adopt, or be a surrogate, or foster, or use a sperm donor. But it's hard sometimes! I'm working on loving myself just as I am, and not freaking out about the future. I'm going to be okay. All the testaments here seem to support that. And that's what I'm going to keep telling myself until I fully believe it - even if it takes a lifetime.

Welcome to AVEN from north of the border :cake: This fall was the second year in a row I haven't been able to travel down to the Wells Maine area. 

 

On the bold, that is how I felt, even though I wasn't really questioning.  I've told a few close friends, but I have no intention in telling the family.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Commonlyknownasanon

Hi great to hear others thoughts on asexuality. My personal experiences having had an otherwise heterosexual with a little dabble in experimentation when I was younger only observing certain characters who are in sexual relationships act very greedily with lack of transparency, you know gee I thought we were all on the same page here nothing like childhood trauma not judging others but sex can be very ugly, people can act very ugly. Single men can (not all) however view others as sexual objects. Imo growing out of those situations untangling oneself from others demeanours. I'm not one to project you don't do what I want you to do therefore you must be gay, bent, frigid that's downright abusive and disrespectful to a growing community. I've never felt LGBTQ+ have more mainstream avenue than any of us do and most of the time these same Non-LGBTQ+ people have said downright vicious things about children as well as animals that even I've questioned my sexuality a number of times. I love LGBTQ+ community the same as any sister and brother and feel sad how often their community is brought negatively into focus like this. I am also very happy to be asexual to differentiate where my sexuality ends and begins. Yes I can still feel comfortable in who I may 'like' or even love only these things don't necessarily equal sex. Linking in with tantra  (tantric sex: teach yourself book alongside other self help books and personal websites I've tended to resonate with rather than some twisted usually Hollywood projection) and realising my own personal thoughts within my personal sexuality I know I'm not what others make me out to be only their own inner projections most of the while only now and again a real gem steps in to my life and that still does not equal sex. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Need_more_books

It was 4 months ago and a very low point in my life when I thought I was a failure at so many things. 
 

I had just broken up with my husband because we had tried one last time to have a date night to try to connect again and he kept bringing up going home to have sex. I finally had enough. If it was the only way he wanted to connect with me then we were obviously mismatched and I knew he had been getting close to another woman around the same time and it seemed like the time to let him go before he did something he would regret. 
 

the next day, my YouTube feed had a video about asexuality in it and when I watched it, it all made sense. I was finally able to explain to my husband why I had never been able to connect with him in a sexual way and we both agreed it was very important part that was missing for him.

 

I felt relief at finally figuring out why sex had never been a high priority for me and how I did ok without it for most of my life. Why all of my sexual experiences were either just nice or uncomfortable and why I enjoyed pleasing others on an intellectual level but it never really gave me that closeness with the other person.   
 

Also I understood why I wanted the sex to be over as soon as possible so we could cuddle. (I traded sex for back rubs which ironically he didn’t enjoy)

 

I’ve had some sad moments too  tho, obviously I’m sad a 14 year relationship is ending and I wonder if there’s anyone out there who likes back rubs as much as me and if I can find them before I’m old and senile, or if I have the energy to search for them. (43 this year)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...