I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[Snowyy_Lies]

You have no wholly idea... even I don't. I was upset, before I knew about the existence of the LGBTQ+ community, that I couldn't feel any form of sexual or romantic attraction towards others. But then, the relief poured in, then the happiness, then the confusion settled itself in once more and here I am, with hundreds of others like me wanting to explore my identity! :D 

[will123]

7 hours ago, Snowyy_Lies said:

You have no wholly idea... even I don't. I was upset, before I knew about the existence of the LGBTQ+ community, that I couldn't feel any form of sexual or romantic attraction towards others. But then, the relief poured in, then the happiness, then the confusion settled itself in once more and here I am, with hundreds of others like me wanting to explore my identity!

Welcome to AVEN!   Another person from Texas! I know what you mean about a sense of relief when I found out about asexuality. I hope you can put your mind at ease here. I know I felt better about certain aspects of my life after discussing and reading here.

[riskygamble]

I have been aware of asexuality since around the time I first came out or was aware of being gay, however being preoccupied with my feelings towards being gay overshadowed a lot of the a/sexual thoughts that I've sort of put on the back burner until recently. I know it resonates with me and I have no issue calling myself someone under the asexual umbrella, but I am left with confusion as to what this is for me: sex repulsion/indifference, lack of sexual attraction, or low sex drive, or a possible combination of two or all the above. 

 

I have a loving partner I've been with for almost two years now and I find him physically attractive but if I were told tomorrow that we couldn't have sex anymore, I would be absolutely fine, if not incredibly happy, and sometimes I feel guilty for that. My partner is not asexual and has a higher sex drive than me and sometimes I have to really work myself up to be intimate with him. I am okay with compromising but have been struggling with wondering if this is something I can fix, if it's an issue I can address medically, if it's a result of me being anxious, or if this is something that I cannot change and is simply a part of me much like being gay. It is also hard fitting in, being asexual and gay, given the hypersexuality often represented within gay culture and media, and I often feel like an outlier or a fraud for calling myself gay.

 

If I am to be honest, I don't feel scared, but I don't feel relieved yet. I am just curious and eager to find out more about myself and others' experiences. Hopefully I can find some relief that way.

Edited November 22, 2020 by riskygamble

[Faedra_]

I had always felt this weird disconnect with other kids my age because I could never imagine "like-liking" someone. I felt off, and different, but I was introverted with few friends, so I didn't stress about it that much. And because I didn't really run into anything lgbtq+ in my day to day life, it actually took me reading through a list of vocabulary terms to even first hear about asexuality.  

 

It's funny, because I remember reading the definition for asexuality and not understanding it. It think that might've been because I didn't think about sex or sexual attraction, so the concept of that being a thing went over my head. But then I found the definition for heterosexual, phrased a similar way, and it clicked somehow. So I went back to the definition, read through it again, and--I kid thee not--chuckled, "Ha, that's me :)"

 

Cue ace panic. I kept trying to tell myself I was straight...and then smother the feeling of discomfort of trying to force that as my identity. I kept telling myself that I was only thinking I was ace because it would make me "interesting" or that I wanted to be a part of the lgbtq community because I was lonely af but didn't want to deal with having to like someone of the same gender. 

 

But oh, my curiosity was piqued. I fell into a hole of "What's My Sexuality Quizzes", asexual posts and memes, and articles and YouTube videos explaining and talking about asexuality. I went from telling myself I was straight, to saying that I was just lying about that little voice in my head that said I was ace, to saving a million memes and posts, until one day as I was scrolling through my folder of ace memes and posts and laughing and smiling at them and just...feeling so at home, that I realized for all the things I told myself and how much I tried to convince myself that I was lying, I really was ace. I had never felt so at home with myself. Instead of feeling like I was weird, or alone, or the odd one out who hated relationships, I had a real, true reason for being that just resonated with me. 

[will123]

5 hours ago, Faedra_ said:

I had always felt this weird disconnect with other kids my age because I could never imagine "like-liking" someone. I felt off, and different, but I was introverted with few friends, so I didn't stress about it that much. And because I didn't really run into anything lgbtq+ in my day to day life, it actually took me reading through a list of vocabulary terms to even first hear about asexuality.  

 

It's funny, because I remember reading the definition for asexuality and not understanding it. It think that might've been because I didn't think about sex or sexual attraction, so the concept of that being a thing went over my head. But then I found the definition for heterosexual, phrased a similar way, and it clicked somehow. So I went back to the definition, read through it again, and--I kid thee not--chuckled, "Ha, that's me :)"

 

Cue ace panic. I kept trying to tell myself I was straight...and then smother the feeling of discomfort of trying to force that as my identity. I kept telling myself that I was only thinking I was ace because it would make me "interesting" or that I wanted to be a part of the lgbtq community because I was lonely af but didn't want to deal with having to like someone of the same gender. 

 

But oh, my curiosity was piqued. I fell into a hole of "What's My Sexuality Quizzes", asexual posts and memes, and articles and YouTube videos explaining and talking about asexuality. I went from telling myself I was straight, to saying that I was just lying about that little voice in my head that said I was ace, to saving a million memes and posts, until one day as I was scrolling through my folder of ace memes and posts and laughing and smiling at them and just...feeling so at home, that I realized for all the things I told myself and how much I tried to convince myself that I was lying, I really was ace. I had never felt so at home with myself. Instead of feeling like I was weird, or alone, or the odd one out who hated relationships, I had a real, true reason for being that just resonated with me. 

Welcome to AVEN!  For most of my life I thought I was straight (I liked girls and had no interest sexually or romantically in guys) but put no effort into it. Then I stumbled onto the newspaper article linked to below and had a major 'a ha' moment. When I got home I surfed around AVEN (but didn't sign up) and knew that 'this' was me! From that moment on I've identified as asexual. 

[IrishKerry]

Hello!

 

I have only realised I was asexual in the last couple of weeks. I had heard about asexuals before mainly in fiction and never connected asexuality with my experience.

 

I was just surfing YouTube when I came across a think piece by an asexual person about being asexual. It was like Holy Cow That's Me! I've just been feeling really excited that I recognise myself. Doing a lot of reading and I would identify as panromantic as well.

 

I will admit that I am quite late to the game to recognise this, took me decades 😂😅 to figure out they literally meant 'fancy the pants off of someone' and they weren't exaggerating 😂👖👖

[will123]

12 minutes ago, IrishKerry said:

Hello!

 

I have only realised I was asexual in the last couple of weeks. I had heard about asexuals before mainly in fiction and never connected asexuality with my experience.

 

I was just surfing YouTube when I came across a think piece by an asexual person about being asexual. It was like Holy Cow That's Me! I've just been feeling really excited that I recognise myself. Doing a lot of reading and I would identify as panromantic as well.

I will admit that I am quite late to the game to recognise this, took me decades 😂😅 to figure out they literally meant 'fancy the pants off of someone' and they weren't exaggerating 😂👖👖

Welcome to AVEN!  (I hope you like cake!)

 

No need to worry about being late to the game. I was 44 when I stumbled onto the article in my link. There are a lot of folks in their 50s who only recently have found out about asexuality.

 

 

[Let Them Beet Cake]

IrishKerrry I was 60 when I finally read the word asexual so you're definately not alone.  Better late than never! 

[will123]

3 minutes ago, Let Them Beet Cake said:

IrishKerrry I was 60 when I finally read the word asexual so you're definately not alone.  Better late than never! 

X2 

 

@IrishKerry I hope you didn't have to endure any heartbreak trying to 'fit in' in this 'oversexualized world' that a friend described it as when I came out to her as asexual.

[IrishKerry]

12 hours ago, will123 said:

X2 

 

@IrishKerry I hope you didn't have to endure any heartbreak trying to 'fit in' in this 'oversexualized world' that a friend described it as when I came out to her as asexual.

Thanks for the concern. I have lived a blessed life, with just the normal amount of work strife that every adult experiences through life.

 

I have had all my family ask me why I don't have. Boyfriend / husband. I truthfully responded that I never met anyone I wanted to go out with (though I know why now 😉).

 

I was asked about children & I always said I would adopt one or go to a sperm bank if I wanted one (I didn't)

 

There has been some frustration with my parents, but this is because they are afraid I will be lonely and will be by meself when they die. Not an unreasonable fear to have for a child.

 

I am an introvert so genuinely enjoy being alone. I do think it would be nice to have a partner sometimes, but have never gone out looking for one. Which was related in some part to not being interested in sex.

 

But now I am starting to have an understanding of what being an asexual person means I feel I will be in a better position to explain my needs and be up front with potential partners in the future.

[will123]

@IrishKerry In some ways a lot of what you say resonates with me and/or mirrors my life. 

 

I'll quote later when I'm on my laptop!

[Kitty_Ace]

I just never really thought that I was different than other people? It took a lot of back and forth and researching to come to the conclusion that I was asexual. I had to question myself because I've been sexual in the past. BUT- it was never fulfilling, I never REALLY wanted to have sex and I sure as hell wasn't present in the moment when it was happening. The crazy thing is that I didn't even think that it was abnormal? Or that allos felt differently? I though that everyone was like me? LOL. Initial reaction was a huge smile and a little shock.

 

When I came to the realization that I would be happier if I never had to have sex again... I was like "YUP, I'm ace AF", I was so relieved. I felt like I finally belonged and that a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I couldn't believe that there were people who were like me and that there was a name for it. The label actually felt like it completed the puzzle. I was nervous and scared to tell my husband, but after I officially "came out", I'VE NEVER FELT MORE COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN. It's a beautiful thing. 

[will123]

@Kitty_Ace

 

Other than being a virgin and never married, what you say sounds EXACTLY like me . I thought I was straight and never questioned why I'd never had sex (never the right opportunity?). But when I found out about asexuality it was such a wonderful feeling to know why I wasn't sexual and that there were others that were the same as me.

 

Times two on the weight off my shoulders!

[atleastwehavecake]

For me, I just never really was interested in any of it. Like, my friends would all be talking about boys or whatever, and I just genuinely...would...not...understand. I learnt how to talk the talk to fit in, but just never felt inclined to walk the walk, you know? Discovering asexuality was infinitely freeing and comforting. It felt like coming home, or re-reading your favourite book.

 

That said, I resisted it for like six months because the feelings were so completely alien, and the little voice in my head (and coming from my family) that told me I just didn't know, and that 'everyone wants someone silly!' 'Do you want to be alone?'

 

Needless to say, I killed that voice dead. Thankfully. (Turns out its' not healthy to have a manifestation of your father spewing hate in your subconscious. Who knew?)

[will123]

@IrishKerry

 

Thanks for the concern. I have lived a blessed life, with just the normal amount of work strife that every adult experiences through life.

 

Your welcome. In someways I’ve felt that I’ve skated thru my life compared to what other asexuals have dealt with.

 

I have had all my family ask me why I don't have. Boyfriend / husband. I truthfully responded that I never met anyone I wanted to go out with (though I know why now 😉).

 

I was asked about children & I always said I would adopt one or go to a sperm bank if I wanted one (I didn't)

 

I had ‘girl friends’ over the years, so I never faced that. Mind you ten years ago my sister in law told my mother that I was gay because I never had a ‘girlfriend’. I knew in my early 20s that I had no interest in fathering any children.

 

There has been some frustration with my parents, but this is because they are afraid I will be lonely and will be by meself when they die. Not an unreasonable fear to have for a child.

 

I think my parents knew that I kept occupied with activities, so I never was doing nothing.

 

I am an introvert so genuinely enjoy being alone. I do think it would be nice to have a partner sometimes, but have never gone out looking for one. Which was related in some part to not being interested in sex.

 

I used to be called an introvert but in recent years I’ve been more talkative with ‘strangers’. I don’t know if an extrovert/introvert can change? I am comfortable too in doing stuff by myself. On the bold, this is going to sound awful but it would be nice to have a ‘friend’ to do stuff with, but not be tied to them. Not that I would be playing the field. Also, even though I thought I was straight I never looked for a partner. If I had had an inkling of asexuality when I was younger, that possibly should’ve been a clue to me that I was asexual.

 

But now I am starting to have an understanding of what being an asexual person means I feel I will be in a better position to explain my needs and be up front with potential partners in the future.

Good for you! I’m not looking for anyone nor have I since I identified as asexual. I’m just happy to have the one friend that I met a couple years before my ‘reawakening’.

[will123]

27 minutes ago, atleastwehavecake said:

For me, I just never really was interested in any of it. Like, my friends would all be talking about boys or whatever, and I just genuinely...would...not...understand. I learnt how to talk the talk to fit in, but just never felt inclined to walk the walk, you know? Discovering asexuality was infinitely freeing and comforting. It felt like coming home, or re-reading your favourite book.

^ 

What you just said 

 

EDIT: On the bold. I got really upset when I was 'accused' of having sex with a girl I knew back in my 20s. Yes we spent a lot of time together, but sex never was part of it. Heck I had a difficult time in those years to even hug her. I'm still in contact with her (big hug every time we see each other). I'm 59 and she's 56. I came out to her last year. She was completely cool with me identifying as asexual.

[Yeety]

Oooh thank you for asking! 

My first reaction was relief I think. I spent my whole life thinking that what i felt towards sex was a common thing. I very recently discovered that it's not and soon after that discovered the term asexual, the community, this site etc. 

And when I discovered I felt so much relief and happiness. It surprised me to feel happy. But when I thought about it a little it made sense. I finally knew what I was feeling and why, that asexuality was okay, that I wasn't alone, I wasn't abnormal. 

[will123]

13 minutes ago, Yeety said:

Oooh thank you for asking! 

My first reaction was relief I think. I spent my whole life thinking that what i felt towards sex was a common thing. I very recently discovered that it's not and soon after that discovered the term asexual, the community, this site etc. 

And when I discovered I felt so much relief and happiness. It surprised me to feel happy. But when I thought about it a little it made sense. I finally knew what I was feeling and why, that asexuality was okay, that I wasn't alone, I wasn't abnormal. 

Welcome to AVEN!  I know exactly how you felt. It's a great relief to know that not wanting to 'chase' a person of either gender is OK.

[•Arty•]

Discovering that I was Asexual was a deliverance for me.

I grew up in a hypersexual environment and had the misfortune to start my puberty early as well as to get a bigger than average chest. The comments from my classmates and family make me realize how "sexuality attractive" I was becoming and make me embarrassed of my body. I didn't wanted anybody, not even boys of my age, to find me "sexually" attractive. Everytime I wore something slightly reveling, the comments will came back and more I grow up, and more it began to become borderline sexual arrestment (mind you, see as acceptable flirt technics where I grew up) and slut shaming. Plus, everyone around me associated love with sexual attraction, which I didn't understand and didn't feel, and sex. I didn't wanted to grow up and I didn't wanted to fall in love because it would mean to have sex and nothing repulsed me more than that. I thought something was wrong with me, that I was some kind of monster.

One day, I was reading some advices on "how to write fanfictions" and the author addressed the idea to implant some LGBTQ+ characters. And they talk about asexuality, which spoke to me. I was so happy, I cried, because it was over. I didn't have to force myself to have sex a day or another, I wasn't some monster. I think it's one of my happiest memory. It's was 3 years ago, I was 17.

Since that day, I'm capable of loving my body and my curves. I love my big chest so much and I love wearing reveling clothes. It's just difficult sometimes to go out because I can't stop people to look at me in a sexual way (and I hate it), but I'm really comfortable in those clothes. I also was more able to explore my gender and my romantic attraction. None of the two are totally figure out (right now, I see myself as a demi-biromantic demi-girl), but I'm so proud of being ace.

Edited December 6, 2020 by •Arty•

[Gembaroo]

Hi I am newly asexual only accepted or acknowledged it today not sure if this changes my life or redefines me, I'm married but not had sex in a year he watches porn instead and I am on antidepressants that kill my drive, just looking for some kind of realisation etc

[Gembaroo]

This forum is the first I came across so looking for people who who can understand, my whole life has been sexualised but I was happier as a child when it didn't matter, now I have no sex drive I don't feel the need to impress but feel alienated but kind of fee

[will123]

@Gembaroo Welcome to AVEN!  is a tradition here as in 'I'd rather eat cake than have sex'.

 

I've identified as asexual for over 15 years now. And it was such a relief to find out that there were others that felt no interest in sex.

[JeaneF]

Hi everyone! 

I first heard of the asexuality a couple of years ago I think... but started looking it up only a couple of months ago and it clicked: that's me. I even wanted to post something here but I didn't. 

It's not that i just don't like sex I'm terrified. I was sexually harassed as a kid. And for a long time I didn't even knew what happened. Till I was 25 I didn't even let anybody too close. But then I just got tired. Everybody was pressuring me, my family, the society, friends... all talking about sex and family making... I gave up. I got into relationship that turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. He was abusing me mentally and physically. And the worst part - I didn't even know it, because I've never been in relationships before. So I believed that it was all my fault. It took me a couple of years to get out. I saved up some money. Secretly bought a used car, found a studio to live in, changed my phone number, put all of my belongings and the dogs in the car and ran into the night. That might I slept on the floor with the dogs be ause I didn't even had a mattress. I tried other relationships, and it always lead to fact that I can't stand sex. I would say "no" but the guy would insist and insist... until I give in. I give in because I'm scared. I just want to get it over with and leave. 

I'm all alone now. I feel better but I'm also so very lonely. I'm so tired of sexual and verbal harrassment I encounter at least once a week. I'm so tired of being called "sweety", or catcalling... Every time I try to make a friend... I fail. When I say that I'm asexual the only reply I hear is" you just haven't had a real man yet". I'm so tired of it. I'm going to the therapy now. (Well... it's over zoom). 

I do want to meet someone who I can love who can love me. I do not want sex in any kind. I just want somebody who I can feel feel safe with, and don't think all the time of where his/her hands are moving... 

I am a loner but also want to have friends who would understand me. 

Thank you.

[will123]

@JeaneF Welcome to AVEN!  is a tradition as it's better than sex. Hope you enjoy the community here.

[AceMissBehaving]

On 12/20/2020 at 8:03 AM, Vasyyaln said:

Hi everyone! I`ve never heard of asexuality before my girlfriend told she doesn`t want sex. I think it is because of the quarantine, we spend all the time together, can I be right?

Did she talk about her feelings as to why she doesn't want sex?

[ILoveAnime@10]

I was very relieved and happy to know that there are people like me out there in this world and I am not alone & I am not the only one feeling like this . It was truly a joyful and pleasent realization.

[AceMissBehaving]

On 12/23/2020 at 2:33 AM, ILoveAnime@10 said:

I was very relieved and happy to know that there are people like me out there in this world and I am not alone & I am not the only one feeling like this . It was truly a joyful and pleasent realization.

I felt the same way myself! I'm so glad you found us!

[Atany12]

On 11/24/2012 at 10:25 AM, Savalon said:

After discovering all of this a few days ago, I feel like my life is ruined. Sorry to throw such a downer on this.

I can totally relate to this 100%. When I did self-discovery 2 years ago and I found out that I was asexual, I thought that my life is over, that maybe I'm broken, but now I have learnt to embrace myself of who I am and that I should be proud of my asexuality.

[AthenaOwl]

Hello! I'm new and this is kind of scary!

 

I'm so grateful for all of you sharing your stories and feelings. It is honestly so powerful.

 

I first found out about Asexuality a few years ago when one of my friends asked if I might be asexual when I was describing my romantic history. I'm embarrassed to say I felt so scared and so offended that he implied I was "different". I feared that it just meant I'd be alone for the rest of my life, that I'd have feelings for people but either have to pretend to feel sexually towards them or share such a personal thing that I am coming to terms with myself which would just scare them off. When I looked at the definition of asexual, it fitted all the things I felt so well but it was just too much to identify as I knew nobody close to me to be like me and I just felt I was involuntarily signing up for a hard life when I just wanted to connect with someone, be a team with them and feel so much joy in being with them and them admiring me as I grow as a person.

 

Over the past 6 months, I've been trying to learn more about asexuality and seeing a positive in identifying that way rather than just feel like I'm questioning. I'm sure like many here, lockdowns have been tough but you start to see a difference when you speak to others when you're single and have no physical desire to break any rules to have sex. I've also discovered more as I think I work with someone who is also asexual and I say that because we get on so well, we have such intentional conversations and they give just as little reaction when any of our colleagues talk about sex or make a sexual innuendo. I wondered if anyone has any advice for trying to open up to other people you think might be asexual in the "real world". I know sexual orientation is personal and if she is not ready or comfortable to talk about it I completely understand as I feel scared to do the same. My desire in speaking more about it to her is just because it would be great for us to know we're not alone and maybe we can share more about how we are feeling.

 

I have never posted on a forum before in my life so this is all extremely new! If any of my story is similar to yours or you want to say hi I'd love that. Wishing you all the best!!

[will123]

@AthenaOwl Welcome to AVEN!  

 

I've come out as asexual to a few close friends but I've never thought of anyone I know to be ace. I can see your quandary about bringing it up.

 

That being said, when I did come out to a couple of my friends they commented afterwards if that might have applied to a person they new. In both cases they were long time friends and had never known them to be sexually active (nor tomantically involved).

 

None of my friends were aware of asexuality when I told them that I had identified as ace since 2005 (I've only felt comfortable in coming out since 2017, after I joined AVEN).

 

I hope you find the community here helpful!