I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[Puppy Whipped]

@GreyAce Notes Welcome 🍰🍰🍰🍰 and congrats!! You are gonna love it here. (Cake is a traditional welcome here

 

[will123]

@GreyAce Notes Welcome to AVEN! 

 

@Puppy Whipped X2 on your post!

[will123]

15 hours ago, Puppy Whipped said:

@Miggs thank you! For the welcome cake, and the info. I am older so for me it is just a relief to know I can stop worrying about it and that it's not terribly uncommon. 

 

Honestly, I hope I can be encouraging and supportive of others as well as pick up a little bit of the knowlege this site contains. 

X2! I know some of my content is TMI, but I hope that others that have had the same experience(s) will read my posts and see that I'm comfortable discussing things and feel better about themselves.

 

I know when I joined (finally) it felt so liberating to find a place where you can get personal stuff off your mind and not be judged.

[Ace Runner]

After being married 24 years (both of us grew up in church, met at bible college and have since left that all behind!) and having major issues in our marriage... since very early on... she loves sex and I can go without to the point of never initiating... We grew up in circumstances and time period (70s and 80s) where this was not a thing. She asked me if I was perhaps asexual (now that we are out of church and enlightened!). She was reading about it. I was reading about it already too. I feel like this is me. Imagine being married to someone you loved and still love dearly and find yourself identifying as asexual?! My anxiety and depression is the worst its ever been. Not because the concept of being ace is negative. But because I may have finally realized who I am and it is a monumental adjustment in our marriage. Lots to think about, learn about and digest.☮️

[Bats and Books]

Hello, everyone!  I only just joined AVEN, but I'm actually not new to asexuality.  I was lucky enough to figure it out pretty early on, around 8th grade (I'm 22 now).   I did spend my first two years in middle school thinking there was something seriously wrong with me, due to very heteronormative sex ed, which admittedly didn't do great things for my self-confidence during my early teens.  I even spent a short period of time convinced that I must be some sort of sociopath because, when I googled "What does it mean if you don't feel love," that was what the internet told me.  In my defense, I was twelve at the time, and had very little understanding of the difference between romantic feelings and sexual feelings.

 

All that being said, I think the fact that I discovered it so early during a time where I wasn't even entirely aware of any sort sexuality related prejudice or hate is probably the reason that I've always been so open about it.  As soon as I knew, everyone I cared about got to know.  Reactions were varied, especially among my family, especially because I was thirteen when I first came out.  Not many adults took me seriously at the time, but time and consistency wore them down in the end.  Obviously not everyone is in a safe enough environment to be open about their sexuality and it isn't anyone else's business anyway if a person doesn't want to share, but never having been in the closet seems to have worked for me.

 

I'm very excited to join the community.  I've only ever met one other ace in person, so this is new to me.  Sorry for such a long post!

[josh28]

Hi everyone, I am brand new to this community and brand new to identifying as asexual. Following conversation with someone about it recently, my life is finally starting to make sense.

 

I've always identified simply as 'gay' because I always felt romantically and aesthetically attracted to members of my own gender. I never felt a great need to be with anyone sexually but did not realise that meant anything other than a problem I had to get over. People always told me I just needed to learn to relax more, or find the right person, so that I could become fulfilled sexually. Over the years, the lack of interest in sex remained stubbornly persistent and presented more and more of a block in relationships to the point where I gave up on the possibility of ever being intimate with someone again. Everyone I met for dates just wanted to climb into bed as soon as possible, whereas I definitely didn't.

 

What confused me for a long time is that I always had libido and was always able to satisfy this by myself. I didn't think you could class yourself as 'asexual' whilst still having the biological need to climax. I see that part of myself as entirely separate from the kind of relationship I want. I crave companionship, romance, affection and intimacy - and that's it!

 

Suddenly it all makes sense and I'm so happy to have found this forum. From always thinking I was somehow broken, based on past traumas and on what I've been told by men I dated, I now find that maybe I'm just different. It's interesting and a bit bewildering to discovery that the sexuality spectrum isn't as rigid and binary as society likes to make it out to be - I'm still getting used to it. I hope to become a part of this community and hopefully meet others who are like minded.

[will123]

@josh28 Welcome to AVEN!  Your story isn't uncommon, you want to be friends with others but not interested in sex (similar to me). Before I found out about asexuality, I thought I wanted to have sex with females (nit really trying though). When 'confronted' with the possibility of sex, I immediately said no.

 

Once I found out, I was was happier, not that I was 'in a bad place' before.

 

I'm sure you'll enjoy the community.

[Najton]

Hi, I'm new here. 2 years ago I broke up with my true love because I didn't want to have sex anymore, but I didn't now why.  I was unsure if I was hetrosexual. I didn't feel hetrosexual. 1,5 years ago I got together with i man who couldn't have sex. But he was used to do sexual things on the women he was together with. He wanted to do this things with me too, så I had to say no. 6 month ago I bloke up with this man too. It felt like I was in he's way of finding a woman who wanted to do this sexual things with him. I'm not that interested in love relationships. I just want to belong. Be like normal people. 

 

I'm 35 years old. I have been broke down by an addiction, so I didn't have contact whit my feelings. I got free from my addiction when I was 30. After that I little by little felt like samething was wrong with my sexualiyt. I thought maybe it was my imagination so I didn't care about it. But the feeling didn't go away. I do not have any bad experience with love relationships. The men have been caring and loving. So why do this happen now?

 

Being free from my addiction have really turn my life up side down. But I am glad too find this place. I was talking to a freand earlier about my feelings towards my seuality. Do it have a name? I want to call it something. Now I have a name for it. I living in celibacy right now, because if I don't I have men after me. Many have asked if I am single. 

 

This is new for me, so I'm not sure I belong here. But I have discovered more about myself be reading the stories here.  For that I thank you!

[Puppy Whipped]

@Bats and Books @josh28 and @Najton Wecome!!!! You should find much comfort and connection here in this community. If you ever have questions or just need to vent, go for it. There are so many people here with years of experience who are always willing to lend an ear or share their stories. Peace 🍰🍰🍰

[will123]

@Najton Welcome to AVEN  ! I always thought I was straight and had females friends. However in my late 30s when a friend asked me if I could see the two of us having sex I said no. I never her saw her after that  About four years later I found out about asexuality. It made perfect sense about what I had experienced. I've identified as asexual for 15 years now and am quite content.

 

I hope you find this a place to get answers for any questions you may have. There is quite a variety in people's ages and how long they've identified as asexual.

[Heidyd]

I think that it is normal and you don't have to worry about this. Everyone has such periods

[Rosethorn]

I didn’t start to worry that something was wrong with me-- that I wasn’t normal-- until I left home for college and everyone around me started to be more open about their sexual relationships. I buried that feeling of being different with academic work and, later, my job.

 

Shelter-in-place has given me the time to reflect on myself and for the first time I find myself trying out the label of asexual. A part of me is relieved.  The other part of me is a little sad.

 

I’m grateful for all of the posts in here, as they have made me feel like I’m not alone in my experiences.

[NickyTannock]

@Chaaru A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I hope that your coming out to your boyfriend goes well.

I'm sorry that you're in that position.

 

@GreyAce Notes A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

However long it took, congratulations on finding and accepting yourself!

I'm sure you will grow and make up for the lost time, and I hope you will enjoy being a part of the community.

 

@Bats and Books A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I also realised that I'm asexual in my early teens.
In my case, I realised that I'm asexual at around 14 when I started to hear sexual comments from my peers and in media and found that they bewildered me.
But even though I was open about it to my friends and online, it took me 20 years to come out to my family due to how conservative they are.
Anyway, I hope that you will enjoy the community.

 

@Najton A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Letting go of your true love must have been hard.

I know that it's no consolation, but I'm glad that you've overcome your addiction and discovered more about yourself.

And I hope you will find this a place where you can feel like you belong.

 

@Heidyd A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I think it's nice that your first post is encouraging another new member!

 

@Rosethorn Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm glad that these posts have helped you feel less alone.

 

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's my favourite cake,

http://chocolateartcake.blogspot.com/

[KS89]

Hi. 

I'm new here. AVEN is not something I'd heard of until today, and truthfully it is only recently that I've come to think I may be asexual. I'm very new to all this and I'm hoping to be eased in gently. I don't really even know what to write on this first hello message! Can anybody point me in the right direction for some advice about support available? I don't even know if this website is UK based or not ☹️

Thanks in advance. 

[Reine-Marguerite]

Before I heard of asexuality, people sometimes thought I was either a lesbian who wouldn't admit it, or prude. At first I thought I was just a late bloomer, or eccentric. I kind of wished I were lesbian, so I could label my experience; I sometimes wondered whether I was, but it made no sense since I wasn't attracted to other women.

 

Hearing about asexuality wasn't a big revelation, and I still wasn't sure I was asexual before I tried sex, but at least it was a concept that made sense in relation with my experience.

I sometimes feel sad that in society we don't hear about asexuality nearly as much as about being gay, for instance.

[will123]

31 minutes ago, Reine-Marguerite said:

Before I heard of asexuality, people sometimes thought I was either a lesbian who wouldn't admit it, or prude. At first I thought I was just a late bloomer, or eccentric. I kind of wished I were lesbian, so I could label my experience; I sometimes wondered whether I was, but it made no sense since I wasn't attracted to other women.

 

Hearing about asexuality wasn't a big revelation, and I still wasn't sure I was asexual before I tried sex, but at least it was a concept that made sense in relation with my experience.

I sometimes feel sad that in society we don't hear about asexuality nearly as much as about being gay, for instance.

Welcome to AVEN 

 

I identified as asexual when I was 44, I'm 58. I'm a virgin. I had female friends over the years, but sexual activity never entered the picture. Yes I have been called gay because I never had a girlfriend. Before I found out about asexuality I never felt any interest in guys, so I knew I wasn't gay.

 

On your last paragraph, I have to agree with you. Everyone has heard of LGBT, LGBTQ+ or LGBTQ2S, but I doubt they look any further. It's like those identities take all the oxygen in the room. I could count on one hand the number of 'public' references to asexuality since I identified.

 

I've come out to several people. None of them had heard of asexuality. One of the persons had a niece who was lesbian.

 

Hope you find the community here helpful 

[will123]

@Reine-Marguerite

 

Quote

Everyone has heard of LGBT, LGBTQ+ or LGBTQ2S, but I doubt they look any further.

To add to this usual response from allos about the acronym, "WTF does that mean?" and/or eye rolling.

[Nifeko]

When I first heard about asexuals, I was skeptical about the idea that I could be.  But several days passed and each of them I pondered this idea and more and more realized that it describes my sex drive well, or rather its absence.  The moment I convinced myself enough that I could be asexual, I was a little overwhelmed by it.  And then I decided to tell this to two people to whom I could trust this information.  Since parents are quite skeptical of the LGBT community.  When I was telling all my friends, the main thing I needed was to see their reaction and their attitude to it.  To my happiness, they reacted very well and adequately.  And in our mouths we did not raise this topic, I do not know whether it is good or not, but I understand that it is not necessary to put much pressure on them.  Then I also felt relieved as it was easier for me to relate to some situations.

[will123]

@Nifeko Welcome to AVEN! 

[GhostofAdelaide]

I figured out that I am greysexual maybe 2 months ago. I accidentally stumbled upon some lgbtqia+ content last november and figured I was simply bi...but it got a lot more complicated when my friend came out as aro ace and I went on a trip down memory lane  and realized I've been really dumb. To this day I'm actually not sure if any of the "crushes" I've ever had were actual or not so life is pretty confusing right now.

[will123]

21 minutes ago, GhostofAdelaide said:

I figured out that I am greysexual maybe 2 months ago. I accidentally stumbled upon some lgbtqia+ content last november and figured I was simply bi...but it got a lot more complicated when my friend came out as aro ace and I went on a trip down memory lane  and realized I've been really dumb. To this day I'm actually not sure if any of the "crushes" I've ever had were actual or not so life is pretty confusing right now.

Welcome to AVEN  For some of it's easy to figure things out, for others it is a struggle. The forum is a great place to ask questions.

 

[Darkfireice]

My experience is a little odd. For awhile in high school, I thought I was gay, because I was never attracted to the opposite sex, and as a idiot child was deeply concerned with that. Then at 17 I accepted the fact I might be gay, and genuinely began thinking on the subject and realized I was also not attracted to my own, or any gender, or anyone at all. Combine that with extreme introversion, detachment depression, abusive and neglectful parents, and slight narcissistic tendencies and that lifted a huge load off my shoulders.

[InkMaster]

Hello everyone,

It looks like I've followed a similar path as quite a few people here. In high school I realized I didn't seem to like people of the opposite gender near me and thought maybe I was gay and while I learned what asexuality was I believed I couldn't be because I hadn't be in "the situation" yet. But after a few years, a few attempts at different types of dating and some helpful LGBTQIA roommates and college friends I realized asexuality wasn't wrong and I am quite comfortable with it. 

[Leif Ericson]

Hi all! I learned I was asexual a week or two ago. A close friend mentioned he was trying to figure out if I was asexual, and I decided to look into it myself to see if he was right. Turns out he was. Luckily for me, I was never shamed or teased about my lack of sexuality or was pressured to get married growing up, but I still did feel relief to learn more about myself. It partly explains why I've had very few relationships so far into my late 20s.

 

But, I also experienced some sadness when I realized that it would be harder to find a life partner, because I still do feel a strong desire for relationship, and I was already starting to doubt whether I could find someone who would be interested in me. However, I've since learned that a few of my college friends were ace as well, and seeing the large number of ace people on this site gives me hope! It's good to feel like you're not alone.

[Nelyafin]

When I initially heard about asexuality, it was a description of aroace that I found first, and I assumed it didn't apply to me because I do experience romantic attraction. It was only later when I delved a bit deeper that I realised that not all asexuals are aroace and that it actually did apply to me after all.

 

At first it was relief that I am not physically or psychologically damaged in some way, but its also tinged with some sadness because I've identified as gay for so long, and now after all this time to discover that I was wrong is a bit disconcerting to say the least.

[Hypochondriactivist]

New here. 

Always been queer, married twice to cis heterosexual men. I'm 41, cis gender, woman. I've always had a sex positive-ish start to relationships, but it quickly goes away and turns to repulsion and touch averse. 

I recently came out to my spouse and therapist, and one other ace friend. But that's it, until this forum! 

I started exploring my queerness more after seeing David Rose on Schitt's Creek - and feel comfortable with identifying as panromantic.

My current marriage has been sexless for 4 years and it has taken me a long time to be ok with that. 

Anyway, hello to everyone and I look forward to getting to know you 💜🖤

[aring91]

I've heard about AVEN after doing some long and deep soul searching about my sexuality and one thing lead to another so I decided to join.

[will123]

On 8/13/2020 at 10:44 PM, Hypochondriactivist said:

New here. 

Always been queer, married twice to cis heterosexual men. I'm 41, cis gender, woman. I've always had a sex positive-ish start to relationships, but it quickly goes away and turns to repulsion and touch averse. 

I recently came out to my spouse and therapist, and one other ace friend. But that's it, until this forum! 

I started exploring my queerness more after seeing David Rose on Schitt's Creek - and feel comfortable with identifying as panromantic.

My current marriage has been sexless for 4 years and it has taken me a long time to be ok with that. 

Anyway, hello to everyone and I look forward to getting to know you 💜🖤

Welcome to AVEN! 

[confused_reader]

I'm new here, and this is honestly kinda nerve racking, but I'm gonna rant a little...

I always knew I was queer, as a kid I had little crushes on guys and girls. In middle school I developed more romantic crushes, mainly on girls, and what I can only describe as "aesthetic" crushes on guys. I identified as panromantic. But never anything more, so I came out to my mom as ace in 8th grade. She did a little research, didn't really get it, and told me to do some research myself.

 

In high school, I had my first real romantic attraction, to a girl, but also an aesthetic crush on a guy became a little more than that, which threw a wrench into everything I thought I knew about my sexual orientation. It felt like sexual attraction, but I had no interest in sex in terms of him "doing me," which was soo confusing. I was also going through it with my gender identity, so I didn't know if it was that I actually liked him or just wanted to be like him. By senior year I concluded that I prefer the role of "top," which explained my attraction to the guy (although being female and discovering you're a top is a whole other confusing story), though I was a virgin and didn't feel sure, and this didn't explain my general disinterest in sex. I had no sexual attraction to my romantic crush. I pushed my sexuality to the side because it gave me a headache to think about (it still does).

 

Only recently did I learn of graysexual and sex-favorable, and though they were things I already knew about myself, they bring me so much clarity. I'm not much for labels, but knowing there are people that feel similar to me brings me much comfort. Now I would say, I would engage in sexual activity only with a romantic partner, in which I would be willing to give sexual pleasure, but only receive sensual pleasure, because I have no interest otherwise.

 

Sorry if this was TMI, had to let it out into the world. Thank you for being willing to read this.

[ezie604]

Honestly i already knew what asexuality was i just didn't think it would be me. I was really just happy to belong somewhere and know that there are others like me. I am sad though because I know it will be difficult to find a partner.