I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[SAD/GrayA]

On 2/18/2020 at 12:40 PM, helplessdad said:

I am a husband and father, my wife is the most beatuiful person i have ever met. I know she is asexual. I dont know how to not love her. The information I have found online in the last 24 hours. 

...is so heavy...what do we do now, we have spent 17 years, 17 years together

we seperated last week, I just want to understand and communicate properly

She hass all the signs I did a bit of reasearch..now what? 

I would like to talk with anyone who knows what this is like, 

I would recommend seeking to love her unconditionally.  There's a book called the 5 Love Languages.  There are other ways that she can feel loved by you that doesn't involve the same level of physical involvement.  I am the wife of a husband who is just hearing this about me.   We were supposed to stay separated until we got counseling, but I returned.  The time you have spent together is not in vain.  Your relationship has been real.  I am still confused about sexual arousal disorder vs asexuality.  I like the feel of "platonic driven" vs. the alternative label.  I think that thinking of myself as platonic driven helps me to feel better about it all. 

[will123]

21 minutes ago, Caitlyn B. said:

I just learned about this today, and I feel so happy that I'm not alone, because it's really easy to feel alone when everyone talks about sex and how great it is.

Welcome to AVEN   You not alone here nor in your thoughts. I was very happy to find out about asexuality when I was 44.

[daveb]

1 hour ago, SAD/GrayA said:

What is the difference between being asexual and having sexual arousal disorder?   Is it just a frame of mind?

Totally different. Asexual doesn't mean someone isn't physically incapable of sexual arousal. It means they don't desire sex. In fact, some aces do masturbate, for various reasons (simple relief, for pleasure, etc.). Also, a disorder implies a problem, and is usually only applied when the condition causes distress or other problems. Many aces do not experience distress from being asexual (although they might feel distress for other reasons, such as societal expectations, fear of not being able to find a relationship, impacts on non-ace partners, etc.)

[DarkDisco]

Instead of my wordy intro, I could have posted here. 
 

Anyways I knew when I was in my teens. I don’t like labels, so I simply say I will simply be me. But I just don’t have the drive. 

[shynewbie359]

when i first realised it was a mix of self acceptance like this is me this part of who i am finally makes sense and terror because i had to accept a lot of what i thought i knew about myself was wrong 

[WhatIsHappening]

I feel really neutral about my asexuality...

I was more epiphany-ed (Is this a word) when I figured out I’m aromantic (I really thought people held hands and called each other mushy nicknames and stuff to fulfill some society-mandated expectations, so I’ve been a little shocked lately). Also, I’m sorry if this forum isn’t the right place to discuss aromanticism

 

I feel bad because I don’t care about being asexual very much? I’m really not trying to be rude and it’s super cool this community exists, it’s just because I tend not to think about it literally ever, and putting a label on something I don’t think about feels weird... I guess I’m just surprised (and honestly envious) seeing in this forum how much the asexuality identity means to other people

Edited April 6, 2020 by WhatIsHappening

[will123]

13 hours ago, WhatIsHappening said:

I feel really neutral about my asexuality...

I was more epiphany-ed (Is this a word) when I figured out I’m aromantic (I really thought people held hands and called each other mushy nicknames and stuff to fulfill some society-mandated expectations, so I’ve been a little shocked lately). Also, I’m sorry if this forum isn’t the right place to discuss aromanticism

 

I feel bad because I don’t care about being asexual very much? I’m really not trying to be rude and it’s super cool this community exists, it’s just because I tend not to think about it literally ever, and putting a label on something I don’t think about feels weird... I guess I’m just surprised (and honestly envious) seeing in this forum how much the asexuality identity means to other people

Nothing wrong with your feelings. It is a personal thing with each of us in how we 'celebrate' our asexuality.

 

I think I understand your neutral feelings. For me I'm very positive in knowing that I'm asexual and that there are others that identify as such.

 

That being said, I'm neutral in how I feel about my asexuality and how it pertains to my world. I've posted this elsewhere, but I feel no 'pride' in being asexual. It's just a part of me that doesn't make me any better than the next person.

 

[Blindly Seeking]

I'm not even sure if I'm asexual or not, this is all very new to me. I've never felt physically attracted to/aroused by anyone, but I chalked that up to the fact that I'm totally blind. I've been in love before, but sexual attraction never came into it for me. I've had sex, even enjoyed (or learned to enjoy) some aspects of it, but I never craved sex, never missed it when I went several months without it. I feel like I could be happy spending my life in a platonic, sexless relationship. I came across an ace character in a book I read recently, and I found myself thinking, "Yep, kinda sounds like me." Some middle-of-the-night research led me to this site, so I guess I'm here to learn from people who have had similar feelings/experiences as me. Any book/article recommendations about asexuality greatly appreciated as I figure myself out. 

[LiteraryLady]

I think I'd be okay with that. In a way, it feels liberating. No more sex? Well, now I have more time for other important things!

I'm just starting my Ace journey. Not sure if I'm full ace, or demi, but we'll learn along the way, eh?

I find it funny how I used to think quite a few of my friends were sex obsessed (one or two might actually be...). Why all the sex, all the time? Even my own sexual experiences, which were okay, but not super great.

I'd rather have cake 🍰

[will123]

 

2 hours ago, LiteraryLady said:

I think I'd be okay with that. In a way, it feels liberating. No more sex? Well, now I have more time for other important things!

I'm just starting my Ace journey. Not sure if I'm full ace, or demi, but we'll learn along the way, eh?

I find it funny how I used to think quite a few of my friends were sex obsessed (one or two might actually be...). Why all the sex, all the time? Even my own sexual experiences, which were okay, but not super great.

I'd rather have cake 🍰

Exactly! The bold pretty much sums up my feelings as well. I could strike 'lose my virginity' off my bucket list as a result...

[j34]

Hi! I started deeply researching asexuality about a month ago and when I did it was so relieving to me. Growing up, I always felt like the "slowest" out of my friends relationship wise and even now (I'm in college) I still haven't had a first kiss or relationship. When I was in elementary school I remember watching a movie and all the girls at my table asked "do you think he's hot?" and I replied with something along the lines of "I guess he's pretty", to which they laughed, but I didn't really understand why. Later on in middle school, when everyone was having the hots for their celeb crushes, I found I wasn't attracted to any of them the way they were, and when I felt pressured to say something I would stick with the words "attractive" or "pretty" instead of "hot" or "sexy" etc. Even now, when my friend asked me if I thought a guy was cute at a party, I just said "not really my type." When I was in high school and realized that people actually do have sex, it seemed so crazy to me. In my mind I was always like "you guys what??" lol. Idk why but it was like a moment of shell shock; I always assumed that conversations like that were meant to make yourself look cool or something. I don't mind the idea of sex or wanting to be close to someone, and I still have a libido, but in practice it just seems so weird to me. All my life I guess I assumed these feelings would hit me, but they still haven't. I've questioned my sexuality before, and I could tell I wasn't gay, but lately I've been wondering if I've ever felt this type of attraction at all. I've had crushes in my life, which leads me to believe that I am heteromantic, but I've really only had the desire to hug or hold hands or go on cute dates. I think relationships have always been difficult to initiate due to the idea of not being able to deliver what's expected of me, but my idea of a perfect relationship is one that isn't rushed or based on expectations; I just wanna feel comfortable and have fun! If anyone has a comment on my experiences, do share! I've told some of my close friends but they are all allosexual and I feel like it's hard to explain 😆.

 

 

 

 

Edited April 10, 2020 by jasmineb223

[will123]

@jasmineb223

 

I guess you could say I was kind of like you before I found out about asexuality. Yes, I wanted to be friends with females, but just friends. I NEVER tried to move things along with any girls that I knew.

[rosetowers]

Hi everyone!

 

So I should've known I was aro when (in high school) this super fit guy walked up the stairs in front of me-- in yoga pants --and I enjoyed a few minutes staring at his well-formed ass, BUT I FELT NOTHING. Not once did my hormone-addled brain consider touching or being touched. For him or anyone. Romance confused me DAILY. Sexual-anything immediately affected my gag reflex. I couldn't sit through romance movies without making obnoxious bear sounds and covering my eyes. IT WAS SO OBVIOUS! (I'm an idiot.)

 

Anyway I had my epiphany a few months ago. After some shenanigans and confusion, my cousin asked me point-blank if I was asexual.

And I (confused as usual) said, "What, like a plant?"

 

Right so, I recovered from the embarrassment. When I stopped ghosting her she helped me narrow my orientation to pansexual too.

And here I am! Gracefully and elegantly introducing myself at 2:04.

[Mispolm]

I had an initially positive reaction to identifying as asexual which was then (and is currently) followed up by a long period of frustration directed at myself.

 

It was nice to know that I am not "broken," but being ace has been the pain point in all my past romantic relationships. Rationally, I know that I cannot change this and that I know the future will likely be different now that I am aware. But I find it very hard not to hate myself for being someone I didn't think I was and for being the one reason why many of my relationships have ended up in failure.

 

Sorry if this negativity is not welcome in this thread; I looked at some earlier responses and figured it might be okay. Please let me know if it is not.

[Livalli]

I started researching asexuality 7 years ago in high school when I started my first real relationship. At the time I had no idea what I felt and after reading up on asexuality I was scared so I ran away. Over the next 7 years I was in 5 sexual relationships. I thought that's just what you did. I knew I wasn't aromantic so I sucked it up and kept on going. All this time I've viewed sex as a chore. It was just something that had to be done so I could enjoy my relationships. That hasn't really worked for me though. I'm still scared. I'm terrified I'll never find someone who wants to be with me without wanting more but I'm ready to accept who I am because I can't keep pretending. I wish I had found this acceptance 7 years ago, I would have avoided a lot of trauma. But I'm happy to be here today and I'm ready to start moving forward. 

[Avul]

On 11/23/2012 at 11:32 PM, Lady Girl said:

How it feels to first hear about asexuality obviously varies from person to person. Reactions range from relief to total joy and for some a bit of sadness. Most people are pretty happy to find out they are not 'broken', as this seems to be perhaps one of the most common assumptions upon realizing they don't feel strong or any sexual feelings at all towards other people.

This thread is going to be a collection of the first thoughts you had when you realized you are asexual. Newbies are certainly welcome to contribute (you're having these feelings...please contribute!). Anyone else who cares to recall those early days of discovery and how it felt to join a group of people who can relate to not feeling sexual attraction or who may not have any real desire for sex, please contribute as well!

New members post here, start your own intro thread, or both!!! I want to kick off this thread with the post that inspired this project, it's from our own ithaca!

 

 

Edited May 2, 2020 by Avul
Did not reply

[Avul]

Found out I am asexual yesterday, from a random you tube video.  I felt good that there are people like. Was not aware that there are actually asexual people. Been married for 8 years. Never felt sexual desire or have interest in sex. Now I am feeling sad for my husband. L

[will123]

20 hours ago, Avul said:

Found out I am asexual yesterday, from a random you tube video.  I felt good that there are people like. Was not aware that there are actually asexual people. Been married for 8 years. Never felt sexual desire or have interest in sex. Now I am feeling sad for my husband. L

Welcome to AVEN   I've met a couple of female asexuals that either are or were married over the last couple of years. The former was having a really rough time of it as she loved her husband but she felt nothing during sex...

[bsly54]

Oddly, being told ace/gray is ok & not broken made me question if I really am broken. I’d like to self-stimulate to orgasm, but I can’t find some critical parts of my female anatomy. No offers of help, please! The internet is a beautiful thing! I found I’m not broken, my anatomy is a subtype of very normal but presents some challenges & I got some very helpful suggestions from a sexual health website. Still don’t want to run out & have sex with anyone, but I can be more content with my grace/heteroromantic orientation.

[KittenOnCocaine]

I knew about asexuality a long time before I even considered it. I knew that wasn't what defined me as it wasn't that I wasn't sexually attracted to people and didn't picture myself having sex with them, it was just that when it actually came down to having sex with them or not I would always prefer not to. I had always had people tell me "Maybe your asexual?" and I always brushed it off with a laugh but then I found out about the asexual spectrum. I started doing research and found out that as of right now I identify as gray-asexual. I freaked the fuck out. Holy shit why can't I feel NORMAL. How can I tell my mother! How can I tell my friends! I know they'll be supportive but there will be others that aren't. How am I suppose to deal with the people who consider asexuals freaks? How am I suppose have a partner if I have to explain to them that I won't always be down with having sex. That it's not that I don't find them unattractive but sometimes I'm just not feeling it? It's scary being different when you always just viewed yourself as a prude.

[Natterbug]

 My husband and I fight about sex or sexual activities all the time. I have been to see a hormone specialist and when all that didnt work I went and saw a therapist. All because I was sure there was something wrong with me. I hadn't heard of the term asexual. Honestly I thought I was alone in not wanting sex. I was very much sexual when I was younger because I thought that was how you were suppose to be. I hated sex and found so many reason not to have sex.

My husband is a wonderful man, my best friend, but sexually we are polar opposites. That is why I am so happy to find this place and people like me. Maybe someone can help me save my marriage. It's on rocks. My husband is very sexual with his own kinks and I am so against any sexual thing. How do we fix this?
Thank you.

[Urd]

I’m not yet sure if I am asexual or maybe I’m still in the denial phase. I was not happy. In my country, the idea of asexuality is almost nonexistent. It is hard to explain to people. There is only one other person I know personally that is asexual and I feel like a burden to them. I first realized it when I was making out with a girl and a guy at a party (at two different instances) and I felt nothing. It was terrifying. I cried the entire night asking my best friend why didn’t I feel anything? She told me maybe it’s because you don’t love them, but I’ve never been in love nor do I think I’ll ever be in love. A kiss feels different when you love them. I felt very invalidated. I’m scared. I feel alone. 
 

I hope I can find my answer soon and I hope I can accept that part of myself. 

[NotThatKindOfDoctor]

On 5/13/2020 at 1:59 AM, Natterbug said:

 My husband and I fight about sex or sexual activities all the time. I have been to see a hormone specialist and when all that didnt work I went and saw a therapist. All because I was sure there was something wrong with me. I hadn't heard of the term asexual. Honestly I thought I was alone in not wanting sex. I was very much sexual when I was younger because I thought that was how you were suppose to be. I hated sex and found so many reason not to have sex.

My husband is a wonderful man, my best friend, but sexually we are polar opposites. That is why I am so happy to find this place and people like me. Maybe someone can help me save my marriage. It's on rocks. My husband is very sexual with his own kinks and I am so against any sexual thing. How do we fix this?
Thank you.

Hi, I am also married to a sexual partner. Our situation is a bit different (I'm OK with sex sometimes but pretty much indifferent about it) but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I hope you can come to a place that is good for you and your husband, whatever that may mean. 

[Miranda Keening]

On 11/24/2012 at 2:25 AM, Savalon said:

After discovering all of this a few days ago, I feel like my life is ruined. Sorry to throw such a downer on this.

Hey it’s okay. It’s valid. I felt the same way when I first discovered asexuality, and five months later, I still do. It makes you feel alone, or broken or that no one will love you. So yeah, I get it. But we’ll be okay. We got this! If not now, then later. I’m not sure if you’re religious, but God has got us. 

[Miranda Keening]

On 5/13/2020 at 1:01 AM, KittenOnCocaine said:

I knew about asexuality a long time before I even considered it. I knew that wasn't what defined me as it wasn't that I wasn't sexually attracted to people and didn't picture myself having sex with them, it was just that when it actually came down to having sex with them or not I would always prefer not to. I had always had people tell me "Maybe your asexual?" and I always brushed it off with a laugh but then I found out about the asexual spectrum. I started doing research and found out that as of right now I identify as gray-asexual. I freaked the fuck out. Holy shit why can't I feel NORMAL. How can I tell my mother! How can I tell my friends! I know they'll be supportive but there will be others that aren't. How am I suppose to deal with the people who consider asexuals freaks? How am I suppose have a partner if I have to explain to them that I won't always be down with having sex. That it's not that I don't find them unattractive but sometimes I'm just not feeling it? It's scary being different when you always just viewed yourself as a prude.

Yeah I get that. I’m the same way when thinking about my asexuality. It’s scary. You don’t know what’ll happen or if you’ll ever have a partner but we will, one day. We can do this! We’re strong, and there is nothing wrong with us. 

[will123]

21 hours ago, Miranda Keening said:

Yeah I get that. I’m the same way when thinking about my asexuality. It’s scary. You don’t know what’ll happen or if you’ll ever have a partner but we will, one day. We can do this! We’re strong, and there is nothing wrong with us. 

I may not have a female partner, but really appreciate having a few female friends. If I could, I'd hug them but can't (location and physical distancing). They know I'm asexual and it hasn't changed anything. I REALLY appreciate their friendship.

 

I know I'm sounding all gushy, but that's me when it comes to this 

[Miranda Keening]

On 5/25/2020 at 3:50 PM, will123 said:

I may not have a female partner, but really appreciate having a few female friends. If I could, I'd hug them but can't (location and physical distancing). They know I'm asexual and it hasn't changed anything. I REALLY appreciate their friendship.

 

I know I'm sounding all gushy, but that's me when it comes to this 

Oh I definitely get that. I would do the same with my girl friends but I’m still trying to figure out if I am more than asexual or maybe I need to find the right person or...or maybe the adults around me are right and I am just a late bloomer. 
 

I get it! I do the same :) 

[random2361]

I'm not very sure about anything anymore as of today. I knew asexuality was a thing, but never gave the concept much thought. Today, I researched more about gray asexual people and demi-sexual people and suddenly everything clicked. It made sense from a list of reasons throughout my life of why I've felt different. I always felt like I was clueless and/or not very perceptive about sexual interactions in the real world with other people and the only sexual relationships I've had we're mostly because of someone else initiating a connection with me.

 

I don't know what to do from this point forward, but everything just....makes sense now. I know that:

 

1. I don't have a lot of negative views on sexuality and I'm pretty open-minded for other people
2. I don't desire to have a sexual relationship with people until I have a deeper connection with someone
3. I've had sexual experiences and have always felt like was "different" in a sense that I would enjoy them...but up to an extent of what my partner was experiencing.
4. I don't think I'm aromantic, but I'm not actively seeking a romantic relationship - it's how all of my relationships have ever been: someone else initiating a connection and it grew into a deeper relationship where I would start to feel sexually attracted to them.

I guess I'm asexual.

[will123]

Welcome to AVEN  I hope you find any answers you may be asking yourself. Lots of helpful folks here.

[a_nicole]

On 12/3/2012 at 12:53 AM, nateoke said:

I remember browsing the Wikipedia article for homosexuality, because that's what I assumed I was. Not because I was attracted to men, but because I wasn't attracted to women, so therefore I had to be a repressed homosexual... It does feel great knowing asexuality is a real thing and that I'm not broken or alone. I couldn't tell you how confused I would be had I not read that article.

I know what you mean! I thought I might be homosexual for a while because I wasn’t sexually attracted to guys, but I wasn’t attracted to females either. I literally thought that everyone had a very low libido and was over exaggerating sex. It never occurred to me that I might be asexual. My best friend mentioned it literally last night. It just dawned on me that at 17 “normal” kids have a high sex drive and feel sexually attracted to others all that Jazz. Holy crap. At the moment I feel almost relieved, but also like I took on a burden. More so the burden at this point. I don’t really know what to do from here, but I guess here is a good place to start? Also, I know I’m late to this thread but I guess it’s okay.