I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[Mapleleaf]

For me... well, it's VERY recent. As in, the past weekend I finally put two and two together. :P I've always known something was off, and I always wondered why I didn't enjoy sex... or why I didn't have a sex drive... or why my husband (sexual) didn't arouse me... and then I researched asexuality, spent hours reading about it... and it just really clicked. Really, really clicked. It is a combination of relief that I'm not alone or broken, and also worry when I think about what my husband and I are going to do about sex from here on out. But mostly, just relief. I have been validated by my NP about it, when I talked with her about it yesterday, so I kinda feel like running around, screaming, "I'M ASEXUAL AND I'M HAPPY!!!" ...but I won't. :P

But yes, a combo of relief and worry.

ETA: I also didn't really realize how little I understood about the sex industry. Or what sexual attraction/sexual desire is. Because when I thought about it... and read about it... I realized that I really don't understand that at all. I am attracted to sense of humor, intellectual conversations, similar interests, etc.

[真夜中]

I always was asexual, and I knew it, I didn't have a word for it so it was interesting to explain in the 3 (I think) times it came up in my life. I never realized that other people weren't just over doing the whole sex thing until about early this year, and I'm still realizing how important it is to other people.

[Malakai417]

 

I had mixed feelings. Initially I was really, really upset because I felt like all of my life plans (i.e. wife and mother) had been destroyed. At the same time, I felt sort of relieved, too that asexuality was an actual thing. I mean, I think I should have realized something was up when I was literally calculating how times I'd probably have to have sex to get the amount of kids I wanted (always wanted multiples; less sex, more kids XD). Currently, I'm still not totally comfortable/at peace with my asexuality, but I feel much more positively about it than I did before, and I feel like I understand myself so much more. It's helped me realign my priorities (I don't even want kids or marriage anymore, lol), but at the same time it's made me sort of hyperaware of how I physically interact with other people which can be...uncomfortable at times. So sort of a mixed bag for me.

 

Alison, I'd like to know more about how you cope. I used to want the wife and kids stuff, also, and part of me still does, though it is physiologically impossible for me. I was never really sexually attracted to anyone, but still craved companionship, so I dated and had relationships until I lost my prostate to an infection. I lost my functionality at that point and any physical attraction to anyone of any gender, yet I still feel lonely. I am not sure how to proceed. I've not dated in six years. My last serious relationship ended over a decade ago, and I feel a void in my life that I am unsure of how to fill. Hobbies and activities don't seem to do the trick. And friendships have proven more complicated, as that many of my friends are uncomfortable with my lack of romantic relationships over the past decade. Some fear that I'm some type of closet deviant, which I could not be, nor wish to be. It's not that I wouldn't love to have someone special in my life. I just don't want to have sex, nor am capable of doing so. Somehow, I feel you can somewhat relate to my feelings, and I'd like your input on how you cope with how others react to your lack of interest in sex. Thank you for your attention to this post.

[lilmexicangirl]

A lot of my friends thought it was odd that after I had a sexual encounter that I didn't like. They always told me that I had to wait for the right person but I never wanted it. I always thought I had to do it to have a relationship. I don't think about it nor do I want to do it. My parents, whom are a lesbian couple, tell me I'm not asexual and just had bad experiences. However, I don't care for it. When I saw the documentary for (A)sexual on Netflix pretty much everything made sense then I came here.

[alison_alice]

 

I had mixed feelings. Initially I was really, really upset because I felt like all of my life plans (i.e. wife and mother) had been destroyed. At the same time, I felt sort of relieved, too that asexuality was an actual thing. I mean, I think I should have realized something was up when I was literally calculating how times I'd probably have to have sex to get the amount of kids I wanted (always wanted multiples; less sex, more kids XD). Currently, I'm still not totally comfortable/at peace with my asexuality, but I feel much more positively about it than I did before, and I feel like I understand myself so much more. It's helped me realign my priorities (I don't even want kids or marriage anymore, lol), but at the same time it's made me sort of hyperaware of how I physically interact with other people which can be...uncomfortable at times. So sort of a mixed bag for me.

 

Alison, I'd like to know more about how you cope. I used to want the wife and kids stuff, also, and part of me still does, though it is physiologically impossible for me. I was never really sexually attracted to anyone, but still craved companionship, so I dated and had relationships until I lost my prostate to an infection. I lost my functionality at that point and any physical attraction to anyone of any gender, yet I still feel lonely. I am not sure how to proceed. I've not dated in six years. My last serious relationship ended over a decade ago, and I feel a void in my life that I am unsure of how to fill. Hobbies and activities don't seem to do the trick. And friendships have proven more complicated, as that many of my friends are uncomfortable with my lack of romantic relationships over the past decade. Some fear that I'm some type of closet deviant, which I could not be, nor wish to be. It's not that I wouldn't love to have someone special in my life. I just don't want to have sex, nor am capable of doing so. Somehow, I feel you can somewhat relate to my feelings, and I'd like your input on how you cope with how others react to your lack of interest in sex. Thank you for your attention to this post.

Well, let me first say that I'm only 22 and that I'm also aromantic. That being said, among my circle of friends, not having dated anyone (or very few people) isn't that unusual (we went to a very academically-oriented school so most of us and our peers really had college preparation as our foremost concern). So, I haven't really had any sort of social issues connected with me not dating (although I imagine they'll start to come up strongly in the next few years, particularly from my family). Personally, my lack of interest in any romantic relationship has made my lack of interest in any type of sexual relationship/activity something of a non-issue. I am still interested in meaningful companionship with others (either in a QPR fashion or just being very, very good friends) which is a goal I haven't quite figured out how to attain.

As far as "coping" on an individual level, most of that has just been me sort of accepting that I'm different from (statistically, at least) 99% of people and that being different is fine. It's also been realizing that what I want (particularly concerning my relationships with other people) isn't necessarily what I "should" want, but as long as myself and any potential partner agree on what we want that, again, being different is perfectly OK.

Regretfully, I can't explain my progression much better or in much more detail than that because it has been something of a long, slow process that I haven't been paying attention to specifically; hopefully this post can still be of some use to you. If you have any more/specific questions you can also feel free to PM me.

[Ghari]

For years, I felt like I should be sexually attracted to people. I'd go out with people I liked, and have no issues being in a romantic relationship. But as soon as anything got heated, it started feeling wrong. I stopped having fun, and just wanted to go back to whatever we were doing before, like say, cuddling on the couch or talking. I never looked at anyone and thought "wow. They're sexy." I would notice attractive people, but not in a sexual way, more like someone notes a really beautiful landscape or painting. I thought I was a prude or weird: I had nothing against sexuality, it just didn't interest me. When I found out about asexuality as an orientation, I was at first hesitant to accept it. But, I think it's who I am, and that's okay.

[露命]

I felt relief, and an epiphany of sorts. It was like I had finally figured myself out, after years of thinking I was abnormal and not really knowing what to think.

[TheHollowOak]

I'm 20 and I've been struggling this past year to figure out my sexuallity. I knew about asexuality before, but I had some experiences that seemed to be pointing to asexuality and others that were pointing away. I've recently learned much more about asexuality and accepted that it fits me. I was a little disappointed at first, as I always wanted the husband-and-kids future, but I feel much more confident and content now. I realized, after my last effort having a boyfriend, that I really did not want to commit to spending the rest of my life with a person, especially when that person felt much stronger about me than I did about him. I realized that I did not need him as a constant presence in my life as he needed me. I feel much freer, knowing I live my life without being tied to another person's dreams and expectations. I can live with wonderful friends and maybe even a kid someday, without having to compromise and pretend to enjoy something I don't.

[stormyshadow]

When I first found out about asex i was looking at different sites trying to figure out hat was wrong with me. Then I saw the picture with the single person on the cake, and then at the bottom it said If I had a choice between sex and cake. I would choose the cake. It felt like everything fell into place and a weight came off.

[DragonPen]

I'm still kind of in shock over the whole thing. I only found out about the whole idea of being asexual two days ago. It's sort of like I was raised by dogs and only just discovered that the reason I don't like sniffing butts and drooling is because I'm actually a cat. Not a great analogy, but it's the closest thing I can think of. It explains so much about the emotional roller-coaster that was my 4 years of college.

Up until Wednesday, I would have said I've only ever had 2 crushes in my life. For those two, I only recognized them as crushes because I thought, "I wouldn't mind if he wanted to kiss me. It would mean he likes me, right?" Now though, I realize that I actually had something of a romantic attachment to several of my college friends. It explains why I would feel hurt or jealous when they would start dating someone and leaving me out. It explains the period of depression I went through when they graduated and left (I was younger than most of them) and didn't keep in touch. It felt like I'd been dumped even though I hadn't realized I had romantic feelings for them. I'd always thought that "romance" meant wanting to smoosh genitals together. Since I didn't want to do that, my feelings couldn't possibly be romantic, right? So why did I still feel like I'd been jilted? A friend should be happy when a their friend finds someone special. A friend shouldn't want to tell their friend's significant other to go take a hike and keep their hands off (especially if the significant other is actually really nice and decent).

*Sigh* I'm still trying to reassemble the pieces of my blown mind. Please pardon my rambling.

[Guest]

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[MissBianca90]

I broke up with the second boyfriend I've ever had in 2008 after finding out that he cheated on me with a mutual friend. Both boyfriends were pressuring me to make sexytiems with them and I always turned them down, saying that I wasn't ready. It was honestly the truth, but I didn't know why I felt this way.

Since then, I've been actively avoiding dating. I've been scared to date. When among friends and the topic of sex came up, I always felt awkward. I knew I liked men, but I didn't know why I didn't "like" men. I could throw out dirty jokes and say "I'd do him!" in an ironic sense, but I didn't understand why I didn't feel anything when saying it or why I didn't feel anything when I would look at an attractive man.

I even tried looking at porn, but it doesn't do a thing for me besides make my laugh my ass off. I couldn't take it seriously, and when I tried, it never turned me on. I remember watching a sex scene in a movie with my cousin and all he could ask me was, "Not even a tingle?". Nope. Not even slightly.

For a while, I thought, "maybe I like girls?", but I wasn't attracted to them at all. I could recognize a pretty woman, but I never wanted to do a woman like a man would want to and didn't desire her romantically.

Then, I remember falling for this guy at college and telling my friend about a year after he and I admitted our feelings for one another (nothing really came out of that, i.e: a relationship, but we did like each other and we have kissed and cuddled and shit) how badly I wanted to snuggle and kiss him and all that mushy junk. My friend says, "When you look at him, have you ever thought about fucking him?". And I told her no. It was the truth, but I could tell she was scrutinizing me. Quietly, she goes, "Bianca, are you asexual?".

I didn't even know what asexuality was, nor did I know it existed, but the more I read on the topic, the more I noticed things that sounded like me. I felt almost immediately at ease, but that soon brought feelings of dread. I kept thinking, "Oh, God. Am I not straight? What'll people think of me? Will I ever fall in love? What about children? I want kids one day. Will I ever find a man willing enough to wait for me? Will I ever find a man who will accept me for everything, asexuality and all?".

I don't know what I'll do until I fall in love or what not, so I'm just living with me and still trying to accept myself and come to grips. It's who I am and I'm happy with that, but I'm still trying to shake the dread.

Edited May 1, 2013 by MissBianca90

[Noisy Cricke7]

When I first came across Asexuality a month ago, I was like "what a twist!" Everything that led up to that point started to make sense.

I can't remember one time that I was sexually attracted to someone in middle school. Everyone around me started to get really weird about sex and I felt like I always had- more interested in other things.

I hadn't had a girlfriend throughout high school. I forced myself on a couple of dates and asked some girls to dances during my senior year. I was more curious about what it would be like more than anything. But, it had absolutely no affect on me.

It was during my freshman lacrosse season of college that I stumbled upon Asexuality. Yeah, it took some time to adjust. Many nights staying in and pondering about the world around me. But after much thought I believe this is where I belong.

Not alone, not broken.

[Aditu]

"Wow. That... that makes so much sense all of a sudden." Along with all the relief that comes with it.

[Partridge]

I suppose I always had an inkling that I was asexual, but without knowing what it was. I had "crushes" when I was itty-bitty, but it was purely aesthetic, and I was probably just mimicking my elder sister. She was a boy MANIAC, as were my mother and peers, so I certainly felt like a weirdo.
About four years ago I "discovered" asexuality and had the wonderful epiphany myself- I was only 12, but it just sounded so very right… everything I'd ever questioned about myself was affirmed. But I forgot in the whirlwind of being a teen, and again tried to be "normal." Now I feel I've found myself again, and I'm overjoyed! Never before have I heard asexuality been discussed in a positive light- so finding this site was a relief.

[knittingpaws]

I first found out after a therapist appointment in which I was asked if I might be repressing feelings of sexuality towards other women. I explained that I think some women are beautiful but I never thought about having sex with them. Thinking about it later that evening I knew that sex with a woman would feel just as gross as sex with a man. So I decided to do research online to see if there were others who were not attracted to anyone and there I found AVEN. That was about 10 years ago now. I was immensly relieved and what people were posting were things I had gone through myself and totally related to. A few months later I came out to my co-workers and my mother, and then last month I publicly announced it on Facebook to help generate discussion and education about the subject.

[solelysun]

When I was in high school I openly told everyone I was asexual. It didn't bother me at all. I don't even remember "realizing" it, I just sort of knew. No big deal at all!

But then I had a very intense relationship for more than two years. I told my boyfriend that I was asexual, and he said he accepted it, but almost every night we slept in the same bed, he'd want to fool around. And I went with it, hoping he could be right and we would discover some glimmer of sexual desire within me because it would make him happy.

That relationship is over now, but it left me feeling more broken than I ever even dreamed I could feel beforehand. In high school it didn't really occur to me that "broken" was a way to feel about this. But now, it's something that, to say the very least, upsets me.

I'm so glad to see a community here of people who are happy to be who they are. Maybe looking around will help me get to that point too. [=

[Jace Quin]

I guess I was vaguely aware it was a thing. You know, somthing I might have seen vaguely referenced in one of the many science magazines I've read over the years. But until recently I never really associated that with real people. And I never thought I was one of those people. But a month or so ago I was prompted to read the wikipedia article on Asexuality and after thinking it over about a month I decided to look for more information on the topic. I read through the whole FAQ here and then moved on to the articles. It was more the articles than the FAQ that made me feel... comfortable. I've always felt that other people's thought processes were very foreign from my own. I generally chalked it up to my intelligence and level of rationality. But the thoughts offered in the articles made me feel giddy. Because here are these people who think the way I do and it finally makes sense to me that the thought processes of sexuals are totally incomprehensible. They're incomprehensible not because they're irrational but because they're sexuals... and I'm not. I'm asexual.

[Squirrel Combat]

I've known for ten years that had no interest in sex (and it was beyond my perception until college), I just never associated it with a specific word. It doesn't explain my successive failures with women but it has certainly shined some light other factors to my incompadibility with all of them.

[JO-EY]

I was pretty much like every other person on here who didn't think something was necessarily wrong with them, just that sex and sexuality was hyped up. I was fairly content in not being sexually attracted to people, until high school and my mother getting an accidental subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine (apparently, I'm the only person in my family who enjoys reading magazines). That magazine is devoted to sex, health and relationships in that order. The idea that "boys/girls wouldn't like me" and that a sexual relationship was needed in any relationship kind of scared me. I was getting mixed messages. "If your partner is actually a good partner, they will respect your boundaries." Okay, that means no sex. EXCEPT! "Sex is a necessary part of any relationship." OTL Well isn't this just like math class: super confusing while it's supposed to be making perfect sense.

I'm quite happy that there is a word to explain it, but I don't think it would have bothered me that much if I never knew either. What makes me the most confused is sexual people's reaction to it. Is it really that hard to believe? If terrible movies have taught me anything, you don't need to have had sex to know you want it, and obviously the opposite applies as well. The few media reports I've seen on asexuality make it seem like they really don't believe it's possible and that we're making the whole thing up. *sigh*

[kmc104]

I was oddly glad that others existed who were like me.

I had known for a good many years that I was different from others, and having mostly male friends made me 'understand' how important sex was to others. I felt it was like understanding how beautiful a painting is, whilst being unable to paint myself.

My (mostly male) friends have eulogised about sex over the years whilst I have felt mildly curious about something that doesn't concern me, a bit puzzled why I have been left out of the loop, but ultimately a bit glad that I'm not controlled by something that seems to possess others, makes them act stupidly and affects their judgement quite badly ( male friend: I know she's horrible to me and treats me badly, takes everything good out of my life... but I like sleeping with her so that makes everything else OK... Me: say what??)

On the negative side, I wish I had realised what I was before entering my last long term relationship, as I (foolishly) was led to believe that things would fall into place once commitment was entered into, as "its natural for everyone to want sex, so it's naturally going to work once we're committed".

This is not a recipe for success and I do miss that person, whilst knowing they were not meant for me.

[candicemon]

I have always felt deeply uncomfortable with the idea of sex. As a teen I engaged in some experimentation as far as providing stimulation for a couple of different partners. It was fun in a way (I very much enjoy pleasing my partner, but it doesn't really "get my motor running", so to speak) but when the conversation eventually turned to my partner wanting to reciprocate or have more traditional sex, I always backed down (and, in one particularly memorable instance, I ran from the room to avoid it). I thought at the time that I might just be too embarrassed by my fat body to let anyone touch it.

I moved to Chicago the day I turned 18 and found a rich little community of queer, fat-positive folks who quickly became my family. I fell in love with my body that year. With a positive body image I decided to try again. The experience was just as disastrous. I still hated the idea of anyone touching my body in a sexual way.

I fell in love a couple of years later with a lovely girl who identified as asexual. Even though it didn't work between us, I owe her a lot. I had never really heard of asexuality as an orientation, so I did a lot of research to be able to support her. I was amazed to find that a lot of asexual people have stories similar to mine! It was liberating to finally understand what I had been going through for so many years. Identifying as asexual relieved me of this intense pressure I was putting on myself. Instead of trying to force myself to feel something I don't, I can focus my energy on what I do want: building amazing friendships, finding a loving partner who will respect my identity, and eating cake. Lots of cake.

[AlmostEccentric]

I think I remember feeling relief (it's still a fairly recent memory) when I read this one article about asexuality. For a while, I'd wondered if maybe I was strange for not feeling attracted to anybody and for feeling repulsed whenever I tried to imagine something beyond handholding or hugging.

[Purple Moose]

When I found out about asexuality, there was definitely a feeling of relief and "oh good, there are other people who don't feel the need for sex, and I'm not broken". I didn't really notice that I was different during high school, other than feeling a bit bored and uncomfortable during sex ed while everyone else was actually interested. Once I got to university though, my friends were all relationship-hopping or looking for casual hook-ups, and I started to think that I was missing something. For about 2 and a half years I decided that I just wasn't mature enough yet, and I'd understand eventually, and sex had to be better than my imagination made it since so many people enjoy it.

After reading through lots of internet opinions and info on asexuality, I started to realize that for all the people I've been attracted to, there has been no sexual attraction. There's definitely aesthetic attraction, and intellectual attraction, and the "I want to cuddle and be close to you and call you mine" feeling, but I've never thought "I would jump your bones if given the chance" about anyone.

I do wish I'd found out about asexuality before my most recent attempt at a relationship though. I'm pretty sure we just drifted apart because I was missing signals/not sending signals, especially since we're still casual friends (though a little awkward now, I'll admit).

[Dirge]

It has been years since I first realized that I was asexual, and in truth, it did not feel like a groundbreaking revelation. More of a natural progression, a word for the disinterest that I'd always felt.

The real revelation, the moment of excitement, came when I learned that romantic and sexual orientation could be defined differently.

That was my 'I don't want sex, and that's okay' moment. The realization that I could cherish and guard someone without feeling guilty about a lack of sexual contact in the relationship.

I am still sorting out what all of this means for me and my future, but finding a community that is similarly focused on understanding and connecting is a great step.

Here's to all of our futures.

[NommingDino]

I am so glad that I found AVEN - a few hours ago, actually.

Being a young 'un, I've had difficulty trying to figure my sexuality out, jumping from "yes, I'm straight. Why wouldn't I be?" to "Well, maybe I just haven't found the right person yet. I'm still young, that'd make a lot of sense." on to "Maybe I'm just a late bloomer and my hormones aren't quite there yet. I was, after all, the last one of my friends to "enter womanhood", as they put it."

I've known about asexuality for a while, but I've never really thought it was me. I just thought I was the odd one out when my friends were talking about how "they'd totally jump his bones" or something to that effect, I found myself agreeing, for the sake of agreeing. Sure, he might have been aesthetically pleasing, but having sex with him? That thought was just a big "no thank you". Sometimes I'd think about what hidden talents he might have, or how well he could hold a conversation. Other times I'd be inwardly annoyed, trying to figure out if sex was the only thing they thought about, or I'd just feel like the odd duck out, wondering why my thoughts didn't seem to align with theirs.

I hadn't actually thought about asexuality in a long time, definitely not as much as I've thought about other sexualities, and whether or not I fit in with them. I came back to the thought of asexuality, and to AVEN, while doing research for a project on cissexism. The more I found, the more I realized "hey, this sounds like me".

Since I came to realization that I think I'm asexual, I've gone through a few different emotions:

• Relief, finally having a label for myself
• Fear, due to living in such a sexualized society (which I still feel, if I'm being honest). It's hard thinking of how I fit into the world, even though I know there are others like me, and a place where I belong.
• And excitement. I'm not alone in this. I am not abnormal and I am perfectly me.

I still don't know how, or if, I'm going to tell anyone, but I do know that there are people I can talk to, and that is something I'm happy about.

[Blomdor]

I'm still figuring this one out. It was quite clear from my early teens that I had no desire whatsoever for any kind of romantic or sexual contact with other people. I have therefore thought of myself as nonsexual for many years, and I figured that I could not possibly be the only person in the world to identify as such. It was no surprise to learn that a small segment of the population was indeed asexual.

What surprised me is that there is such a large and diverse community of people based around this orientation, and how complex the spectrum of asexuality is. I would never have guessed that there was a forum made specifically with asexuals in mind that was as popular and active as this one is, nor did I know of demisexuality, or that a person could be very romantically inclined while still being asexual. This is all very cool.

What I'm not at all certain of is whether I really should become a part of said community. I get a bit lost among the mess of labels (demi-biromantic asexual and the like) and often wonder if simply "completely uninterested in sex" is enough, so to speak. The amount and complexity of discussion around what asexuality actually is comes as a surprise to me, who before had considered it to be a simple idea. It does not help that I appear to have found little to contribute to except threads that call for talking about oneself; I'm well aware that no one cares about the personal details of some doofus who wandered in a few days ago. Furthermore, I would prefer not to label myself at all, so it feels a little strange to join this forum based around what I generally think of as only a small aspect of my identity.

The short of it is that hearing about asexuality as an officially recognized orientation is quite refreshing, but that I'm still not sure if I'll join up or just retreat back into my grimy cave knowing that I could probably be considered to be asexual. The above blathering is more talking than I usually accomplish in the span of a few days, so a forum does not feel like my natural environment, and I must constantly fight voices in my head that say "no one really cares, you nincompoop; press the back button already".

But hey, you all seem like a cool bunch. Maybe I'll stick around.

[Lady Girl]

The short of it is that hearing about asexuality as an officially recognized orientation is quite refreshing, but that I'm still not sure if I'll join up or just retreat back into my grimy cave knowing that I could probably be considered to be asexual. The above blathering is more talking than I usually accomplish in the span of a few days, so a forum does not feel like my natural environment, and I must constantly fight voices in my head that say "no one really cares, you nincompoop; press the back button already".

But hey, you all seem like a cool bunch. Maybe I'll stick around.

Other people feel similar to you and talk about other things...stick around, the people here are awesome! :)

[Asexy Mel]

For me, it was a relief to know that I wasn't the only one, and that it was ok for me to not want sex. It's still a bit awkward on nights out with my friends, and someone tries it on with me. When I mention that I'm asexual, anyone who doesn't know me usually backs off pretty quickly!

[siximpossiblethings]

I already knew about asexuality before I began to suspect I was one. I'm ashamed to say that my initial reaction was, "Wow, that sounds so lonely." As if there are not incredible amounts of lonely people who are hetero/homo/bi-sexual. Not to be depressing or rude to anyone, I suppose I'm a little sad at the realization I'm likely asexual. I'm surrounded by traditional relationships which are all very happy and fulfilling to the members involved and part of me wants that. I grew up expecting I would eventually have that, along with 2.5 kids. I understand that I can have and that there are happy relationships in which one or more partners are asexual, but it seems much harder to achieve, at least at this point in my life.