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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

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BlunderFishes

@MichaelTannock Wow, that is one heck of a cake - thank you! 😁

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MichaelTannock

You're welcome!

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crystallic_slumber

I've had a really interesting coming out process.  I came out to myself ages ago, but then told someone I was "kind of asexual," and he really scoffed at me, so I ran back into the closet, from myself and everyone else, and tried to look at porn, FetLife, anything to convince myself that I was normal or something.  (I've had a buttload of friends into kink...)

I found myself really having a crush on this asexual-leaning guy.  Through discussing my feelings with a friend, it kind of came out, rather inadverdently, that "I'm on the asexual spectrum."

It was just after coming out day.  I want to say the next day, I announced on Facebook- "Happy belated coming out day- as weird as it is to say, I'm on the ace spectrum."  I was really surprised at the support I received.  Two legally transitioned transwomen, my lesbian ex, a family member, and two good (cishet female) friends liked it!  

So yeah, I'm here!  I guess I do feel not broken, but I also wish I would have just went with this identity and ran with it.  At the same time, I guess there was quite a bit of asexual purity when I looked into it, so I didn't feel like I fit the bar.  But I'm probably more a than allo, and this allows me to live my life via fulfilling hobbies and interests rather than bother myself with romantic relationships that I don't want to necessarily have in the first place.  

Edited by crystallic_slumber
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Seeingthelight

I’m over 60 and stumbled upon an article this morning about Asexuality and when reading thought, oh wow, that’s me - my whole life.  My first husband had a very high libido and I clearly didn’t so we both thought I had a mental illness of some kind. My second husband wasn’t as demanding and we had sex often enough to satisfy him, but I was only doing it to preserve our relationship. I was definitely faking it. When hearing others talk about sex or seeing movies where the people clearly had strong sexual desires for each other I could never understand what all the fuss was about. Today my husband is unable to have sex and we have settled into a stage where we focus on mutual support, shared activities we both enjoy, and the other parts of our relationship, including affection with no sexual interaction. I am so grateful to not have to worry about being groped, poked and prodded anymore. I’m very happy for you younger folks who have self-knowledge, education and support at your age so you can live your entire lives as you are! Love and blessings to you all! 

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will123
10 minutes ago, Seeingthelight said:

I’m over 60 and stumbled upon an article this morning about Asexuality and when reading thought, oh wow, that’s me - my whole life.  My first husband had a very high libido and I clearly didn’t so we both thought I had a mental illness of some kind. My second husband wasn’t as demanding and we had sex often enough to satisfy him, but I was only doing it to preserve our relationship. I was definitely faking it. When hearing others talk about sex or seeing movies where the people clearly had strong sexual desires for each other I could never understand what all the fuss was about. Today my husband is unable to have sex and we have settled into a stage where we focus on mutual support, shared activities we both enjoy, and the other parts of our relationship, including affection with no sexual interaction. I am so grateful to not have to worry about being groped, poked and prodded anymore. I’m very happy for you younger folks who have self-knowledge, education and support at your age so you can live your entire lives as you are! Love and blessings to you all! 

Welcome to AVEN :cake: :)

 

On the bold, I have said the same. I was 44 (58 now) when I came across a newspaper article about asexuality and it made perfect sense.

 

It took a lot of self-imposed pressure off me. Mind you I never had to go thru marriage as I'm also aromantic and a virgin. I always thought I was straight but in hindsight never put much of an effort into it.

 

You might want to check the Older Asexuals forum too.

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schadeaux

Greetings.  I am so glad I found this site.  A bit about me:

 

Kansas born, SoCal raised in a time when sexuality was carefully monitored.  Y'all know what i mean.  I've had several girlfriends, sexual in nature.  But only in my late teens did it mean anything to me.  That was some 30+ years ago.  On my second marriage now, trying to justify my feelings.  Yes I love her, but no sex in seven years.  

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will123
35 minutes ago, schadeaux said:

Greetings.  I am so glad I found this site.  A bit about me:

 

Kansas born, SoCal raised in a time when sexuality was carefully monitored.  Y'all know what i mean.  I've had several girlfriends, sexual in nature.  But only in my late teens did it mean anything to me.  That was some 30+ years ago.  On my second marriage now, trying to justify my feelings.  Yes I love her, but no sex in seven years.  

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: :)

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schadeaux

TY will

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Anommamous

I'm still in the whole process of figuring this out to be sure of myself, but what goes through my head the most is "how the hell did I never realize this before?" Hindsight is 20/20, and it seems so obvious now lol

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will123
27 minutes ago, Anommamous said:

I'm still in the whole process of figuring this out to be sure of myself, but what goes through my head the most is "how the hell did I never realize this before?" Hindsight is 20/20, and it seems so obvious now lol

Tell me about it...

 

When I came out to a (quite attractive) female friend that I've known since we were teenagers, I made the comment, "I'm probably the only guy you've known that never tried to get into your pants". She kind of grinned and agreed. LOL

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AnnieBB

I have only just joined this site but already I feel more 'normal'. Can you all believe I have been married for 45 years and had no sex for 10 years.  I have no idea why my husband stays with me as he thinks I am weird and says I used to love sex, not true, it was only to please him and because I thought that was what was expected of me plus I wanted children. I can relate to so much on this site and I can't tell you how much happier I feel already to know there are other people like me out there. Thank you

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daveb
54 minutes ago, AnnieBB said:

I have only just joined this site

Welcome and :cake: !

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will123
8 hours ago, AnnieBB said:

I have only just joined this site but already I feel more 'normal'. Can you all believe I have been married for 45 years and had no sex for 10 years.  I have no idea why my husband stays with me as he thinks I am weird and says I used to love sex, not true, it was only to please him and because I thought that was what was expected of me plus I wanted children. I can relate to so much on this site and I can't tell you how much happier I feel already to know there are other people like me out there. Thank you

I know exactly how you feel! When I found out about asexuality it was such a relief. I wasn't looking for any answers or questioning my sexuality, but it made perfect sense.

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Tamarwen

Hello, my new friends.

 

I've always been a hopeless romantic, fantasizing of love and chivalry. But to others I've been "the runaway bride". I am quite able to fall in love, but when the time comes to leave 1st Base, I keep running to the outfield and over the fence. I've returned 3 engagement rings and declined 2 when I realized I would never be able to give a gentleman what he desired most. I was still a Virgin when I finally married at the age of 24, despite having been stationed in Okinawa, which is home to 7 Marine base, 1 Navy Base and 1 Air Force base. I do enjoy kissing, and I've been told I am quite good at it, but anything else makes my blood run cold.

 

I turn 42 today, and I am still married... unhappily, I'm afraid. I've had two children, as I was able to scientifically nail down my most fertile day of the month. Twice. Sadly however, in my 17 years of marriage, we've engaged in... the deed... less than the number of fingers I have on two hands. I cannot even gift that to him on his birthday. He deserves better, but the few times I've tried, I found myself saying, "I hate you" over and over in my head while feeling as though I was being raped.

 

I am so grateful for my babies, for they've shown me a level of love I never knew existed. If not for my husband, I wouldn’t have them. But my marriage fails more rapidly with each passing year. And now that I've learned a relationship with someone like me has actually been possible, I'm feeling more jaded than ever before.

 

So, my feelings are mixed. Sadness for having no knowledge of this until now. Relief to know I am not the only one on the planet like this. Elated that there are actually MEN with this attribute as well. And hopeful that I might enjoy friendships here with people who truly understand my malfunction.

 

Thank you for for the creation of this forum. 'Tis a pleasure to meet you all. 😊

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daveb
7 hours ago, Tamarwen said:

Hello

Welcome and :cake: !

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will123
18 hours ago, Tamarwen said:

Hello, my new friends.

 

but when the time comes to leave 1st Base, I keep running to the outfield and over the fence.

I am so grateful for my babies, for they've shown me a level of love I never knew existed. If not for my husband, I wouldn’t have them. But my marriage fails more rapidly with each passing year. And now that I've learned a relationship with someone like me has actually been possible, I'm feeling more jaded than ever before.

 

So, my feelings are mixed. Sadness for having no knowledge of this until now. Relief to know I am not the only one on the planet like this. Elated that there are actually MEN with this attribute as well. And hopeful that I might enjoy friendships here with people who truly understand my malfunction.

 

Thank you for for the creation of this forum. 'Tis a pleasure to meet you all. 😊

Welcome to AVEN :cake: :)

 

I'm 58 and still a virgin. Even though I had female friends over the years, they were just friends. Heck, I never got out of the batter's box. It wasn't a case of striking out, I just didn't try...

 

I was happy to find out about asexuality and AVEN at age 44, even though it took 12 years for me to actually sign up.

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Anommamous

How often do you guys suddenly remember moments (from before you knew you were ace) that now seem like obvious indicators of your acenessnessnessness?

 

Things I have realized since I started this path of self-evaluation include:

 

I knew specifically that I wasn't interested in having sex with my first boyfriend even though I did it anyway (which isn't by itself much to go on, but is something combined with other moments).

In the past I have described myself to lovers as 'not a passionate person' and 'not very sexual'.

My thoughts during sex are often along the lines of "why are you drawing this out so much?" and "hurry up and finish already so we can stop".

When I first started looking into this, the first thing I started trying to figure out was how to identify/define sexual attraction. This was before I even knew it was a bone of contention within the community. I had never even realized before then that I wasn't 100% sure what it was supposed to feel like.

 

I'm sure there are more, but those are the ones I could think of right now. What about you guys?

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AM42
1 hour ago, Anommamous said:

How often do you guys suddenly remember moments (from before you knew you were ace) that now seem like obvious indicators of your acenessnessnessness?

I have never been interested in relationships, not to mention sexual interactions, so have never had a boy-/girlfriend or any romantic experience whatsoever. Then two years ago, I met a guy who was interested in me and I thought "I can see how and where this goes so I 'know' if I'm ace or not". I could handle the kissing and going top less but any suggestions/attempts of taking of more clothes and doing something else made me want to kick his butt out the door really badly and quickly (I even told him if he mentioned it or attempted anything like that again, I would). However, I did not enjoy any of the experiences of making out etc, "what's all the fuss about?", I would just lie there and listen to the music wondering what the heck he was doing. Fortunatley, it 'ended' soon after that. I liked the intimacy of being close to someone, like skin against skin and feeling the heart beats of the other person though. 

 

I never understood what my friends was going on about when talking about 'hot' persons. I also make sexual innuendos all the time since I'm not aware of the double meaning of some words.

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will123

@Anommamous I've mentioned this in the past but when I was a teenager I'd rather babysit kids than go to parties with my friends or football games and dances with my classmates.

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Tamarwen

Wow, hearing you all describe that definitely illustrates the spectrum. Some of us are not even attracted to people. I've been boy crazy since I was in preschool. But I was dumped over and over again because I didn’t want to "mess around". I wanted the relationship, and I found many guys to be swoon worthy. But I am profoundly disgusted by the thought of oral sex, the act of sex, even hand jobs... or whatever come with the territory.

 

As terrible as this is, I have actually had thoughts about dating gentlemen who can't physically do that for whatever reason, just so I could enjoy a relationship and not have to worry. My husband... is... erm, normal? I've totally screwed him by marrying him. No pun intended. I always just assumed that all guys want sex, and girls had sex just to hang onto them. But judging what I am seeing here... the possibility of female nymphomaniacs are truly possible, as my end of the spectrum really is a thing. But I digress. I gave my husband the green light to cheat on me long ago. He won't. So I just go on feeling terrible about it.

 

AM42, I can relate to the skin on skin and hearts-beating... as long as I don't suspect a guy just wants to have a go at me. It's good that you can enjoy that level of closeness at least. 😊

 

Have any of you had online relationships because it felt safer to do that? I've been able to enjoy full romances that way. There are still freaks online, but this way ... *click click* Blocked! 😂

 

 

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Sithmaster WinterDragon
51 minutes ago, Tamarwen said:

Have any of you had online relationships because it felt safer to do that? I've been able to enjoy full romances that way. There are still freaks online, but this way ... *click click* Blocked! 

2 years ago I had a platonic relationship with someone in Ireland, then they wanted me to be more into the romantic and sexual relationship side, and even said they'd help me get there.... 

I simply said I don't want to ever be sexually active in anyway,  if as long as the cloths stay on and cuddling thing I'm good, but no sex on any level, they were fine with it and a week before they were going to help me with the expenses they disappeared,  they still have the social media account but never been active for 2 years.

However I don't want to leave where I'm at, and even if the person started being active again, I would only want to be online friends. 

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Tamarwen

I am sorry for the outcome of that relationship. I do not know how many dudes who've taken off when they realized I'd fight off any sexual advances. But I never knew to put it into words, and in fact, I think I was scared to do so. I admire you for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. You certainly have courage.

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Sithmaster WinterDragon
19 minutes ago, Tamarwen said:

I am sorry for the outcome of that relationship. I do not know how many dudes who've taken off when they realized I'd fight off any sexual advances. But I never knew to put it into words, and in fact, I think I was scared to do so. I admire you for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. You certainly have courage.

It's ok, I recall them saying they were going off line since they didn't like how they were removed from a public page, a Heathenry one. 

I do at times dream of Ireland,  however if I ever go I'd go to my ancestors areas. Then I'd go to Scotland.

I knew by 13 years of age in the early 2000s I'd never get into a physical relationship and to this day I never have had one. 

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Tamarwen

My ancestors are all Scottish. I'd love to visit the UK in general. 😊

 

Regarding sexuality, I'd always viewed it as an adult activity. I assumed one day I'd suddenly want it. Nope. Not even a little bit. Now that I'm grown, I simply wish it didn’t exist.

 

Of course... none of us would be here if it never happened, but I've dwelled on it enough to make myself miserable for a very long time. I think there should be more people like us. That would solve a lot of problems. 😂

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will123
8 hours ago, Tamarwen said:

I am sorry for the outcome of that relationship. I do not know how many dudes who've taken off when they realized I'd fight off any sexual advances. But I never knew to put it into words, and in fact, I think I was scared to do so. I admire you for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. You certainly have courage.

An ace I met earlier this year that describes herself as heteroromantic has had that happen. 

 

Before I knew I was asexual I had a female friend ask me after a couple of years of knowing each other, if I could see the two of us having sex (which activity I dont know). I strongly said NO! She broke off all contact after that.

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des the ace

Reading everyone’s responses here makes me feel a little less alone.

 

I, too, felt like sex was a natural activity I’d grow to want. It’s something that so many people correlate to adulthood and so as many people go, begin to lose their virginities, I feel left out.

 

i thought there was steps I had to take to feel a sexual attraction: but despite these steps, I lack and feel overwhelmed by the idea of someone looking at me sexually

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xolynn

I do feel broken and like a freak. I have a partner i have been with for 10 years. When I was younger 19-24 i had a sex drive. I am now 29 and I feel no sexual desire. I don't ever think about sex and when my partner tries to touch me it gives me anxiety and I pull away. He doesn't understand at all and thinks I don't want him. I am attracted to him romantically and love him I like kisses hugs cuddling back rubs but anything sexual I pull away. Please help me and give me some advice I don't want to loose him 

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Miggs
On 11/3/2019 at 4:13 PM, xolynn said:

I do feel broken and like a freak. I have a partner i have been with for 10 years. When I was younger 19-24 i had a sex drive. I am now 29 and I feel no sexual desire. I don't ever think about sex and when my partner tries to touch me it gives me anxiety and I pull away. He doesn't understand at all and thinks I don't want him. I am attracted to him romantically and love him I like kisses hugs cuddling back rubs but anything sexual I pull away. Please help me and give me some advice I don't want to loose him 

I am so sorry to hear that. Sexuality is more fluid than we realize, and by that I don't mean people just change overnight, it takes time. So you may have been Ace but it changed to a certain kind of Ace. Or what triggers your sexual desire has become very specific. Have you spoken to a therapist or sex therapist? One that respects the idea that you may never want for sex again? I am 30, and have desire, but I lose it if in a position to act on it with another person. I also don't experience sexual desire towards real people. My own imagination is satisfactory. Affection, love and romance I get.

 

You both have committed all of yourselves to this relationship. So you are giving him everything you can. You are not withholding. You are not able to experience what he feels. You are not broken. You either have a new code to decipher or there is no code, because there is no secret it's just what is face value.

 

There are forums on this site specific to this relationship struggle between asexual and sexual people. Those in that forum would probably have more insight for you. I have heard from many people in your situation. They love their spouse of so many years, but don't have sexual desire now, or never did and just made themselves do it. Some relationships continued regardless, some could not withstand the loneliness or hurt that their partner felt and others are seeking help just like you. I'm sure those who have been in a relationship for as long as you have will at least be able to help you feel connected to others and less alone in your feelings. As for a solution, I'm afraid that no one person will have that for you. It will have to be something you and your partner figure out. But there are some ideas and success stories on here that may help. 

 

Also, it may be good for your partner to take advantage of this site too. There are forums for the sexual partner of asexuals who want answers too. It may give your partner some sense of control and understanding. 

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