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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

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SirGrey

Huh. HUH. Tough question.

Cookies maybe ? I don't really like desserts.

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SirGrey
4 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

Here's a Fantasy Gingerbread Cookie Castle,
 

 

That's pretty damn awesome o-o. That's the kind you don't eat but watch all day. Thanks.

Edited by SirGrey
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Miggs
On 8/30/2019 at 10:46 PM, I'm No One said:

You always hear the the term "adult relationships" whenever people talk about sex, there's also a prevailing idea in society that having sex is a sort of initiation into adulthood. I felt like my lack of desire made me childish and immature. I always thought that if I ever wanted to be in a relationship some day or even be seen as a "real" adult I'd have to just suck it up and have sex.  

Finding out that I'm ace was a relief and actually gave me more of a sense of control over my life. I realized that I don't HAVE to do anything that I don't want to. It's pretty liberating, actually.

This is exactly how I felt when I finally allowed the reality of it to sink in. The term at first seemed so foreign. But after a failed relationship, and a lot more introspective evaluation I realized how much it fit. And I felt not just relieved, I felt joy and excitement. There was finally a route to non-sexual liberation for me. I didn't feel beholden to "find a certain someone", to "make up for lost time", to "gain perspective", to become a "real adult", or as one person so casually put it "to just fuck someone" anymore.  I felt the weight of all my failed attempts at pursuing a "meaningful" relationship with someone and realized I owed very little to that world perspective. It had never resulted in helping me accomplish my dreams or life goals, feel less lonely during difficult times, or made me feel powerful/sexy as some people described it. Sex doesn't hold any power over me emotionally anymore. Because I realize now I just wasn't someone who depended on it or felt a need for it in order to make life happen for me. My life has been filled with successes and failures completely unrelated to this and I have never felt more fulfillment than when accomplishing my goals despite any personal struggles I may have. So if I can feel like that by accomplishing my goals, which I now realize no longer include a sexual relationship or romantic partner, and thus am unburdened by sex, then I can't see any reason to pursue a life that drags the idea of it around as metaphorically dead weight much less push my self to achieve it, like some sort of dead end goal post. I don't fear sex, hate it and I am not repulsed by it. It's just a non factor for me. Your perspective is perfectly on point. Thank you!

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persondude

I never expected this to be considered an orientation, I'm 18, and I just always though all my friends were perverts and I was the normal thinking one, I never thought it was hard to wait until marriage and didn't understand why that was so hard, or why people would have sex other than to start a family. Now I'm in a strange predicament where I want to have my own kids but I still find sex disgusting, I know I'm still young but like sometimes I wish I was straight, like I have tried to watch normal things but they literally make me gag in disgust, I feel like i'm a little kid or something but I just have no drive at all for it 

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lilyofthevalley
On 9/24/2019 at 3:09 PM, persondude said:

Now I'm in a strange predicament where I want to have my own kids but I still find sex disgusting

I’m waiting for the day when cloning yourself is a thing😂. Asexual reproduction right there.

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Miggs
On 9/24/2019 at 7:09 AM, persondude said:

I never expected this to be considered an orientation, I'm 18, and I just always though all my friends were perverts and I was the normal thinking one, I never thought it was hard to wait until marriage and didn't understand why that was so hard, or why people would have sex other than to start a family. Now I'm in a strange predicament where I want to have my own kids but I still find sex disgusting, I know I'm still young but like sometimes I wish I was straight, like I have tried to watch normal things but they literally make me gag in disgust, I feel like i'm a little kid or something but I just have no drive at all for it 

 

 So it sounds like you have sex aversion. And that is totally valid. As for Asexuality that is separate but they aren't exclusive. A person who is asexual can be sex averse. And if you do want your own kids, IVF is an option or adoption. My friend is asexual, not sex averse, but doesn't want sex and also wants kids. IVF is the option they are interested in now, but before they were considering having sex with someone they trusted and knew who signed an agreement to not be co-parent or have any parent responsibilities or rights over any potential child, which is what my friend wanted. There are options for you. 

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MichaelTannock

@persondude A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I wish I had advice for you, but all that comes to mind is IVF and Adoption.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "The Dude" cake (all edible),

https://www.cakecentral.com/gallery/i/3417033/the-dude-big-lebowski-cake

900_the-dude-big-lebowski-cake-743983Vx3

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AceMissBehaving
On 9/25/2019 at 1:54 PM, Miggs said:

 

 So it sounds like you have sex aversion. And that is totally valid. As for Asexuality that is separate but they aren't exclusive. A person who is asexual can be sex averse. And if you do want your own kids, IVF is an option or adoption. My friend is asexual, not sex averse, but doesn't want sex and also wants kids. IVF is the option they are interested in now, but before they were considering having sex with someone they trusted and knew who signed an agreement to not be co-parent or have any parent responsibilities or rights over any potential child, which is what my friend wanted. There are options for you. 

I’ve known people who have done the IVF route like that. They seem really happy.

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whichsponge42

I always viewed sex/ the sex industry as something so interesting to learn about, it seemed to interesting and it really enthralled me like how powerful it was to so many people. As I got older, I thought it was weird I “didn’t like kissing,” I didn’t know that was an option, I just thought it was something I would have to desensitize myself to. So I kept trying to like it! Didn’t work lol. Then a partner who I had been with for a month or so brought up having sex, I didn’t know that was something I was supposed to want? It was all honestly very shocking. 

 

Now ive realized I’m asexual or maybe demisexual, still super unsure ab what genders I am attracted to, but I am glad to have found community through this site, and through my real life honestly from people I would never expect! God bless all asexuals.

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will123
7 minutes ago, whichsponge42 said:

I always viewed sex/ the sex industry as something so interesting to learn about, it seemed to interesting and it really enthralled me like how powerful it was to so many people. As I got older, I thought it was weird I “didn’t like kissing,” I didn’t know that was an option, I just thought it was something I would have to desensitize myself to. So I kept trying to like it! Didn’t work lol. Then a partner who I had been with for a month or so brought up having sex, I didn’t know that was something I was supposed to want? It was all honestly very shocking. 

 

Now ive realized I’m asexual or maybe demisexual, still super unsure ab what genders I am attracted to, but I am glad to have found community through this site, and through my real life honestly from people I would never expect! God bless all asexuals.

Welcome to AVEN! Glad you found us.

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daveb
1 hour ago, whichsponge42 said:

but I am glad to have found community through this site

Welcome and :cake: ! The good thing is you can look around, think, and discover yourself, with more knowledge now to base things on. Good luck! :) 

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Akiharu

To be honest my life always was nothing less than average. I have an average family, some hobbies and a few friends. I always expected my life to be average in every way and at the same time I thought that my life was going to be boring as hell.

To be part of this anything but average cake-loving community made me feel like I was finally part of something. For me it's a great feeling to be able to relate to something on more than a superficial level. It was like finding a second home.

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LinnieRB

I was relieved to find that it was an actual thing but it all went downhill from there. The boyfriend (also my best friend for years before) who told me that I was asexual, and who said he was too, tried to force himself on me twice and then stalked and harassed me for years. When I wouldn't take him back he tried to kill himself while he was on the phone with me and said when he died it would be my fault. He survived and it happened years ago but I have PTSD from what he did. I joined here because I want to find people who understand me and how I feel. 

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MichaelTannock

@LinnieRB Welcome to AVEN!

 

That's horrible. I'm sorry your boyfriend put you through that.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Books" cake (all edible),

https://mcgreevycakes.com/antique-stack-books-cake/

wide.jpg

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LinnieRB

Thank you. And thank you for the book cake, very appropriate for me as I am a bookworm 😁

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MichaelTannock

You're welcome! I'm happy that you like it.

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Miggs
6 hours ago, LinnieRB said:

I was relieved to find that it was an actual thing but it all went downhill from there. The boyfriend (also my best friend for years before) who told me that I was asexual, and who said he was too, tried to force himself on me twice and then stalked and harassed me for years. When I wouldn't take him back he tried to kill himself while he was on the phone with me and said when he died it would be my fault. He survived and it happened years ago but I have PTSD from what he did. I joined here because I want to find people who understand me and how I feel. 

You will definitely have a safe space here. I also hope that while you're part of this community you find some sense of peace and don't feel any self-blame for those tragedies of human behavior. You are very strong to not only have made it past that terrible time in your life, but to also seek out a community for support. As welcome, please enjoy this cake: 

 

Image result for cake

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will123
7 hours ago, LinnieRB said:

I was relieved to find that it was an actual thing but it all went downhill from there. The boyfriend (also my best friend for years before) who told me that I was asexual, and who said he was too, tried to force himself on me twice and then stalked and harassed me for years. When I wouldn't take him back he tried to kill himself while he was on the phone with me and said when he died it would be my fault. He survived and it happened years ago but I have PTSD from what he did. I joined here because I want to find people who understand me and how I feel. 

Oh my God! That is so awful! I'm not in a situation with a significant other but I hope I never have to deal with a negative reaction to my asexuality.

 

I can't understand why some people react so badly to us identifying as asexual. It's not like we have a choice in the matter. Oh yes we could try to be something that we aren't but then we aren't being honest to ourselves or others.

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will123
33 minutes ago, Miggs said:

You will definitely have a safe space here. I also hope that while you're part of this community you find some sense of peace and don't feel any self-blame for those tragedies of human behavior. You are very strong to not only have made it past that terrible time in your life, but to also seek out a community for support. As welcome, please enjoy this cake: 

 

Image result for cake

X2

 

I've really enjoyed the conversations here both on the forums and via PMs since joining almost three years ago.

 

I van say want I want without hesitation and there is no judgement.

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LinnieRB
3 hours ago, Miggs said:

You will definitely have a safe space here. I also hope that while you're part of this community you find some sense of peace and don't feel any self-blame for those tragedies of human behavior. You are very strong to not only have made it past that terrible time in your life, but to also seek out a community for support. As welcome, please enjoy this cake: 

 

Image result for cake

Thank you so much. Your kind words and the welcome are very much appreciated. And that cake is amazing 😁

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LinnieRB

The situation was made worse because he said he was asexual before I even knew the word. He had been my best friend since our early teens and it really messed me up a lot. BUT the messages I have had here so far have been so wonderful that I know for sure that I have found a place where I can be myself and finally feel safe. 

THANK YOU 🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰

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BlunderFishes

Hello! So...I guess I’ll just jump right in here.

 

The first time I really thought about the word “asexual,” I conflated it with sex aversion and lack of libido. Since neither of these things really applied to me, I figured the label didn’t either and moved on with my life.

 

Flash forward a decade and a half, and I stumbled upon this community. With the info available here, I discovered that “asexual” is a lot less cut and dry than I thought. I’ve had about a hundred “aha!” moments since discovering you all and I’m shaking my head how much more sense my experiences make when I consider them through an ace lens. Had I known all of this when I was younger, I could’ve saved myself some serious confusion and angst!

 

Ah well, no regrets, really. Thank you all for being here, and I’m looking forward to chatting with folks who’ve lived through some of the same experiences. I thought I was just a weirdo!

 

(I mean I still am, but I can’t blame my orientation for that!) 😁

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daveb
6 minutes ago, BlunderFishes said:

Hello

Welcome and :cake: ! 

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BlunderFishes
1 minute ago, daveb said:

Welcome and :cake: ! 

Aw thank you...My first internet cake!

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Internetlionboy

Welcome and yesss internet cake! 😛

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will123

@BlunderFishes Welcome to AVEN! :cake: :)

 

I'm glad AVEN has helped you figure out your orientation. I know it helped me immensely (and a huge relief) when I found out about asexuality and AVEN. I was 44 and wish I had known sooner. I hear you on the 'angst' feeling.

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MichaelTannock

@BlunderFishes Welcome to AVEN!

 

Misconceptions like that are a big reason why I wish Asexuality were better known.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Fish" cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/323154-fish-cake

uv36ovjcb24anr2xhc2q.jpg

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