I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[fooledbysecrecy]

i don't think i've ever been as relieved in my life as i was when i discovered asexuality is a thing, everything just clicked into place and what i felt finally made sense. i was 25 at the time and had thought perhaps i was just a late bloomer, or just plain weird/wrong somehow. never understood people complaining about being sexually frustrated, for example. didn't really feel like i was missing out on something, sex always seemed so unappealing to me and i just couldn't wrap my head around how it seemed to be such a significant part of life to people, why didn't relationships last if someone wasn't 'good in bed' etc. tbh i still don't get this but now i at least know why, and each to their own.

 

and to find out there's so many people out there who feel the same way is just bloody brilliant!!

[Cake-Loving Dragon]

Yes, awesome question! Personally, I knew my whole life that I didn't feel the same way as other kids my age, but I always assumed I'd grow into it eventually (I had the late bloomer mentality). But as I got older, and other kids kept getting more focused on romance and sex, it started getting more confusing. I didn't understand why I wasn't fitting into the world I was surrounded with. Then last school year, there was a rumor about me that I had a huge crush on my friend - who is a female, like me. It wasn't true, but everyone believed it, even her. Anyway, it caused me to think that maybe I wasn't interested in boys because I was a lesbian. That scared me, because I'm Christian and it would go against my spiritual beliefs (I'm not trying to be hateful). Every aesthetic attraction toward a girl, I would assume was a crush - because I was trying to figure out what it felt like to have one. Anyway, learning that I am aro/ace was a relief for three reasons: I was done questioning my sexuality, I could finally stop waiting for me to "grow into" romantic and sexual attraction, and finding out that there are so many people who are like me! I always had to deal with being different alone, but now I've found a whole community of people who face the same problems I do!

[will123]

35 minutes ago, Cake-Loving Dragon said:

Yes, awesome question! Personally, I knew my whole life that I didn't feel the same way as other kids my age, but I always assumed I'd grow into it eventually (I had the late bloomer mentality). But as I got older, and other kids kept getting more focused on romance and sex, it started getting more confusing. I didn't understand why I wasn't fitting into the world I was surrounded with. Then last school year, there was a rumor about me that I had a huge crush on my friend - who is a female, like me. It wasn't true, but everyone believed it, even her. Anyway, it caused me to think that maybe I wasn't interested in boys because I was a lesbian. That scared me, because I'm Christian and it would go against my spiritual beliefs (I'm not trying to be hateful). Every aesthetic attraction toward a girl, I would assume was a crush - because I was trying to figure out what it felt like to have one. Anyway, learning that I am aro/ace was a relief for three reasons: I was done questioning my sexuality, I could finally stop waiting for me to "grow into" romantic and sexual attraction, and finding out that there are so many people who are like me! I always had to deal with being different alone, but now I've found a whole community of people who face the same problems I do!

Welcome to AVEN!  and 

 

It's great to find out that you're not the only person puzzled by sex and romance.

[Cake-Loving Dragon]

8 minutes ago, will123 said:

Welcome to AVEN!  and 

 

It's great to find out that you're not the only person puzzled by sex and romance.

Thanks! Honestly it's a bit overwhelming, but that's ok.

[QueerAroAce]

When I first heard of asexuality I thought cool had nothing to do with me.

 

 After fwbs/ dating, hearing the problems I had, my friends mentioned the possibility of me being ace, asking them what an ace was I mentally crossed out that possiblity (like an ace checklist) . How could I be ? I've had a crush before, reading nsfw scenes had an effect on me, and I'm definitely want a partner in the future, probably. I mean I enjoyed the affect I had on others. Ah that DENIAL <~

 

I didnt want to be ace at first since I'm a lonely person and figured that would mean I'd be alone. 

 

During the confusion of teenage experimentation, obviously a glaring problem became apparent, this type of "fun" wasn't for me. Imagine the reactions of my partner(s) when they were informed I'm not attracted to them, or not wanting them to touch me in certain areas. Some took it so badly even thought I had wanted to make it "SEEM" like they were "r*ping me by saying no" by turning down them wanting to be helpful and put fingers ..somewhere since I didnt want to go all the way. I was "too much of a tease" according to their logic. Was fun being told I'm weird or broken for not enjoying the "normal" feeling they had.

 

*****REGARDLESS OF SEXUALITY OR LACK THEREOF ONE SHOULD ALWAYS ACCEPT NO*****

 

After a few more attempts at trying the "straight life" I went on a rant to my friends again, saying why is coitus soooo important for others anyway? It does not even feel good! Also I wouldnt mind dating a girl/guy or whatever IF sex wasnt involved, I just wanna cuddle sigh.  

 

Them: Yep. We knew it you're ace. Kinda figured.

 

Me: yeah you're probably right. 

 

I'm probably never going to explain to my family about what being ace is. Not because of ashamed of it, it's part of the LGBTQ+ and they are not fond of the community and  I'm a bit childish, so I dont really want to talk about my sex life or lack of attraction to them. Also...they would just blame me for "following fashion, with my friends" whatever that means.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[will123]

X2 on the reason for not telling family. 

 

I'm kind of surprised about your (and others) friends suggest that you were asexual. Of the five or six people that I've come out to, none of them were aware of asexuality. All but one were middle-aged. The lone twentysomething grew up and lives in a rural area, so I doubt she has been exposed to much in the way of the LGBT+ community, let alone asexuality.

 

Also in my case asexuality has never come up in conversation.

 

I hope your friends have been understanding and cool with you identifying as asexual.

[Guest]

I think back to the first time I remember hearing about asexuality as an orientation and I wonder why I didn’t investigate it sooner. My first knowledge of the word “asexual” was in the context of biology. I understood that some living things reproduced asexually and that was the only definition I knew existed. 

 

The first person who described themself as being asexual to me was a boy my age from my OSHA course in my first semester of college. He mentioned it in a conversation and I had no idea what he meant by it. I think he tried to explain it to me but that was 5 years ago and I don’t really remember the conversation at all. I think I made a joke about relationships and he mentioned it after that. It was never something I thought about much after that until I found AVEN.

[WolfAmongRoses]

I think I realised really early on during grade 5-6 that I just didn't feel the same as the people around me towards boys, I just didn't really know there was a term for it. My friends were often talking about crushes they had on people in our grade and dating and I just kind of always felt like I was watching from the outside to something I couldn't see myself. It just made no sense to me how anyone could be so interested in having a partner, another person for their appearance, sex or the whole "love at first sight" concept. I ended up hating all sorts of things that were even remotely romantic at the time and would specifically hate a show if romance took away from the plot of the story :'D 

It just continued on in high school, I went to a religious school that parents all refused to have sex ed taught, so I suppose for years I just grew comfortable that at least in the religious space, it wasn't weird that I didn't want sex, though not for religious reasons ironically but as a whole. Still even within a school that was conservative I realised I was still that odd kid out that just didn't feel the same as they did as many went into relationships, crushed on others and I just continued feeling nothing. 

I don't think I was even exposed to what an asexual was until I was in uni in a random class where it got brought up in discussion, because of how conservative my culture and religion is to only being accepting towards being hetero and eventually settling down and having kids. Didn't particularly help either that women are seen as promiscuous if they leave home unmarried and live on their own, but oh how wrong they'd be thinking I was when that was never something I ever was! Anyway I suppose sometime during uni it was briefly in mind that I might be asexual but I honestly never thought about it again until earlier this year. Was just watching Bojack Horseman, and there was an episode about Todd, one of the main characters, admitting he had no interest in sex and feeling nothing. I just found it really relatable and relevant to my own life as I'd often avoid people who I knew were interested in me or outright say I wasn't looking for a relationship right now (which was all the time- but I never mentioned that). 

I only recently got thinking about it again after feeling like everyone around me lately had been bringing up that one day I'll be happy if I settle down with someone and everything will be fine and it had been bothering me because I feel happy on my own and I doubt having a partner would make it better. I just found it frustrating that too many people around me think that way because of my culture and religion overlapping on the importance of marrying and having a family. I ended up writing an anonymous "love" letter (ironic I know) on a FB page dedicated to it at my university because of this. I just wanted someone to understand and be ok with how I felt, since so many people dismissed it as a phase the few times I've brought up not wanting to be in a relationship and others thinking asexuality doesn't even exist. 

Honestly that's the only reason why I'm here now on this forum. There were so many more supportive comments on the anonymous letter I submitted to the page and I started reaching out to a few aces that responded with support and their own experiences as well as on other sites as well that brought me here from some of the resources they provided. I have mixed feelings towards being asexual. Sometimes I'm sad that I'll likely never have kids of my own despite loving children because sex just isn't for me or that I might be alone forever and miss out on something everyone else expierences because I worry if I were to ever be in a relationship that I might disappoint my partner if I don't want sex, not because I don't care for them, but because I've never had a need. I've come to accept this a long time ago when I first realised I might be different from the people around me and that's ok. If I can't have kids of my own, and if I don't feel a need for a sexual relationship, that's ok too. I'll just spoil my friends' kids when they settle and I'll always be sure to keep my friends in my life so I'm never truly alone. And feeling left out? Well that's where the community fits into my life I suppose as I expore it now and get to know other aces. I feel it helps being able to talk to others about feeling this way and knowing how valid and ok it is to be feeling this way. I feel I've just found the missing puzzle in my life as to who I am and though I might still have some of these negative thoughts from being part of such sexual-normative society, that at least I'm no longer alone and have found somewhere I can be myself without feeling judged. 

 

[will123]

@WolfAmongRoses Welcome to AVEN   !  It sounds like you've already know this is a great place!

[WolfAmongRoses]

22 hours ago, will123 said:

@WolfAmongRoses Welcome to AVEN   !  It sounds like you've already know this is a great place!

I hope so haha, I'm glad to know there's a community for it. Just feeling a bit more comfortable knowing there's others out there that feel the same way. Just kind of sad asexuality is so hidden in society and not talked about that it took this long to realise I'm not alone on this. Honestly might've gone the rest of my life never encountering the term again if not for Bojack Horseman with Todd 😂

[Sandfire12]

I grew up in a pretty conservative place, where terms like "gay" and "lesbian" were thrown around as whispered insults. I realised when I was 12 that there was something... different about me. I found myself being my friends' wingwoman as they chased after their preteen crushes and wondered why I didn't want it like they did. 

A year passed and I moved overseas and discovered so much: shows like Steven Universe, which led me to the LGBT community, which led me to the word asexuality. It was absolutely the most liberating thing to ever read and I knew, even at 13, that that was me. It was so, so good to know there were other people out there like me ❤️

I joined AVEN originally when I was 14, I think? But I rarely used the site so I've made a new account and now I'm back!

[will123]

@Sandfire12 Welcome back to AVEN   . I had to do the same as you. I 'think' I created an account here back in 2005 when I discovered asexuality but soon lost interest in AVEN. Had to start all over two years ago when I found out the forum still existed.

 

And no, nothing changed, I still identify as asexual.

[Sandfire12]

@will123 thank you for the warm welcome back! <33

[Dave Davison]

I'm 61.  I've never had a relationship.  Had about four sexual experiences. All of them gross. Horrible smells. Hated kissing. Felt nothing.

 

Never again!!

Edited August 26, 2019 by Dave Davison
Spelling mistake.

[will123]

11 minutes ago, Dave Davison said:

I'm 61.  I've never had a relationship.  Had about four sexual experiences. All of them gross. Horrible smells. Hated kissing. Felt nothing.

 

Never again!!

Welcome to AVEN   . I'm 57 and still a virgin (contented) and kissed a female friend when I was 37. I wish I had found out about asexuality sooner in my life.

 

 

[NickyTannock]

@WolfAmongRoses A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

@Sandfire12 A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a 'Wolf' cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/247298-wolf

[Miggs]

On 7/20/2019 at 2:45 PM, Haematite said:

I like the sound of having a squish!  That would suit me just fine at the moment  

Having a Squish, and in my case a zucchini, is nice really. Has all the same hallmark feelings of a crush but without the sexual tension or desires. You get the giddy without needing the get. Get it? XD Jokes aside, my Squish and I have known each other for so long that the feeling is more subdued. Sometimes we get the shy but awed feeling towards one another and it doesn't compel either of us to touch or comment in a sexual or romantic way. We have a lot of respect for one another and both of us have a preference for space. We also experience squishes outside of one another and since neither of us are seeking a relationship we both just enjoy the ride. While I describe us as being in a Zucchini, I am still figuring out what defines one. But for me it means being in an asexual relationship with lots of love, but zero touches or commitment demands. Except for hugs, high fives, head pats or rubs and hip bumps we don't really do physical intimacy. We both are self -sufficient and sustaining without it being anything more to each other. And that's exactly what we love about our relationship. 

[Dacha]

Hi, basically as long as I can remember I was always kind of... weird out by sex?
I was interested in it but more in a way of yeah just do it you will feel good. End of story.

When I was thinking about any sexual situation it was always kinky AFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

Now I understand it's because I was never attracted to sex itself,  it was more just a weird reaction to me not liking sex, so I forced myself to think that I like  it and want it. I logically watched porn, and I really rapidly found out that I didn't like dicks and was disgusting by it. So what a normal thinking person do at that moment?
I tried lesbian porno of course!
It was more exciting than dicks but still after some time I wasn't attracted to it either.
After that I began to think that "yeah I just need to lose my virginity in a rapid way (like a quick fuck) and then it will be good and you will like it".
The 1st time I've heard about asexuality, it was through a story about a person who was an asexual and how they struggled with it but then accepted it.
At the time I didn't think anything particular about it, I didn't even fully knew what the fuck was asexuality. Then I absolutly can't remember how and why but at one moment I said I was asexual.
2 or 3 months after that, I began to really think about that so I made some researche about asexuality. I've found out this site and I've read a lot of comments about people's experiences with asexuality.
After reading it I understood and fully accepted that Yes I am asexual. Thanks to this realization I've understood some sides of me and I've been so relieved. It was like someone finally told me that I wasn't compelled to do anything I didn't want to or to like something I am disgusted in.
Of course, I had a lot of times when I was still rethinking all of that. It's a big step to take, to fully admit that you are the complete opposite of what you were thinking you are during all of your life.
So basically I was always feeling that something was not normal but I thought it was just because I was kinky and young lmfao.
Now I am a proud asexual. Thank you for everyone who read till the end=]

[Asexual of Myth & Legend]

You always hear the the term "adult relationships" whenever people talk about sex, there's also a prevailing idea in society that having sex is a sort of initiation into adulthood. I felt like my lack of desire made me childish and immature. I always thought that if I ever wanted to be in a relationship some day or even be seen as a "real" adult I'd have to just suck it up and have sex.  

Finding out that I'm ace was a relief and actually gave me more of a sense of control over my life. I realized that I don't HAVE to do anything that I don't want to. It's pretty liberating, actually.

[will123]

20 hours ago, Dacha said:

Hi, basically as long as I can remember I was always kind of... weird out by sex?
I was interested in it but more in a way of yeah just do it you will feel good. End of story.

When I was thinking about any sexual situation it was always kinky AFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

Now I understand it's because I was never attracted to sex itself,  it was more just a weird reaction to me not liking sex, so I forced myself to think that I like  it and want it. I logically watched porn, and I really rapidly found out that I didn't like dicks and was disgusting by it. So what a normal thinking person do at that moment?
I tried lesbian porno of course!
It was more exciting than dicks but still after some time I wasn't attracted to it either.
After that I began to think that "yeah I just need to lose my virginity in a rapid way (like a quick fuck) and then it will be good and you will like it".
The 1st time I've heard about asexuality, it was through a story about a person who was an asexual and how they struggled with it but then accepted it.
At the time I didn't think anything particular about it, I didn't even fully knew what the fuck was asexuality. Then I absolutly can't remember how and why but at one moment I said I was asexual.
2 or 3 months after that, I began to really think about that so I made some researche about asexuality. I've found out this site and I've read a lot of comments about people's experiences with asexuality.
After reading it I understood and fully accepted that Yes I am asexual. Thanks to this realization I've understood some sides of me and I've been so relieved. It was like someone finally told me that I wasn't compelled to do anything I didn't want to or to like something I am disgusted in.
Of course, I had a lot of times when I was still rethinking all of that. It's a big step to take, to fully admit that you are the complete opposite of what you were thinking you are during all of your life.
So basically I was always feeling that something was not normal but I thought it was just because I was kinky and young lmfao.
Now I am a proud asexual. Thank you for everyone who read till the end=]

Thats why up to when I came out to a friend I was content as an asexual. However as the day I planned to tell my friend approached, I became more and more afraid that I'd start to cry while telling him.

 

I didnt break down in the end but it was stressfull. I told him my feelings about it recently. He wasnt sure what I meant. I told him that up to that point he knew me as being straight but from that point forward, I wouldn't be. "It's like my previous life was a lie and/or I was turning my back on it".

[SirGrey]

First, thank for helping me delete the first post. Whoever it was. I really shouldn't have tried to type at 2am.

 

In my case, I first learned about my sexuality (or lack of....) without a name for it. Just thinking back to my non-existent crush list or urge to bed other people, I realized that maybe that was just the way I was and it was pretty cool. (I had this whole phase where I was persuaded love was a mating mecanism and it was the reason I never felt attracted to anyone.. Thanks biology.)

 

Then I found a post about Aro- Ace- Spectrums a few weeks/months later and I could place a name on that vague concept of lack of sexual attraction I had.

Sorry, I have no big reaction story for you :') I think learning about at 16/17 made it pretty easy.

[daveb]

7 hours ago, SirGrey said:

First, thank for helping me delete the first post. Whoever it was.

That was me; I should have PMed you about it. Moderators can delete posts. Regular members can only edit their own posts, but not delete them entirely. You can always PM a mod to ask for a post of yours to be deleted.  

 

Anyway, welcome and  !

[NickyTannock]

@SirGrey Welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a 'Within our reach' cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/257278-dreamland-colaboration-within-our-reach

[SirGrey]

@MichaelTannock Awww, Thank you very much   along with @daveb too, by the way thanks again.

 

(Do I get kicked out If I mention I do not like cakes ? :') )

[NickyTannock]

Just now, SirGrey said:

Do I get kicked out If I mention I do not like cakes ? :')

What would you prefer?

[SirGrey]

Huh. HUH. Tough question.

Cookies maybe ? I don't really like desserts.

[NickyTannock]

3 minutes ago, SirGrey said:

Huh. HUH. Tough question.

Cookies maybe ? I don't really like desserts.

Here's a Fantasy Gingerbread Cookie Castle,

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/321937-fantasy-gingerbread-cookie-castle

[SirGrey]

4 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

Here's a Fantasy Gingerbread Cookie Castle,
 

Spoiler

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/321937-fantasy-gingerbread-cookie-castle

 

 

That's pretty damn awesome o-o. That's the kind you don't eat but watch all day. Thanks.

Edited September 1, 2019 by SirGrey

[Miggs]

On 8/30/2019 at 10:46 PM, I'm No One said:

You always hear the the term "adult relationships" whenever people talk about sex, there's also a prevailing idea in society that having sex is a sort of initiation into adulthood. I felt like my lack of desire made me childish and immature. I always thought that if I ever wanted to be in a relationship some day or even be seen as a "real" adult I'd have to just suck it up and have sex.  

Finding out that I'm ace was a relief and actually gave me more of a sense of control over my life. I realized that I don't HAVE to do anything that I don't want to. It's pretty liberating, actually.

This is exactly how I felt when I finally allowed the reality of it to sink in. The term at first seemed so foreign. But after a failed relationship, and a lot more introspective evaluation I realized how much it fit. And I felt not just relieved, I felt joy and excitement. There was finally a route to non-sexual liberation for me. I didn't feel beholden to "find a certain someone", to "make up for lost time", to "gain perspective", to become a "real adult", or as one person so casually put it "to just fuck someone" anymore.  I felt the weight of all my failed attempts at pursuing a "meaningful" relationship with someone and realized I owed very little to that world perspective. It had never resulted in helping me accomplish my dreams or life goals, feel less lonely during difficult times, or made me feel powerful/sexy as some people described it. Sex doesn't hold any power over me emotionally anymore. Because I realize now I just wasn't someone who depended on it or felt a need for it in order to make life happen for me. My life has been filled with successes and failures completely unrelated to this and I have never felt more fulfillment than when accomplishing my goals despite any personal struggles I may have. So if I can feel like that by accomplishing my goals, which I now realize no longer include a sexual relationship or romantic partner, and thus am unburdened by sex, then I can't see any reason to pursue a life that drags the idea of it around as metaphorically dead weight much less push my self to achieve it, like some sort of dead end goal post. I don't fear sex, hate it and I am not repulsed by it. It's just a non factor for me. Your perspective is perfectly on point. Thank you!

[persondude]

I never expected this to be considered an orientation, I'm 18, and I just always though all my friends were perverts and I was the normal thinking one, I never thought it was hard to wait until marriage and didn't understand why that was so hard, or why people would have sex other than to start a family. Now I'm in a strange predicament where I want to have my own kids but I still find sex disgusting, I know I'm still young but like sometimes I wish I was straight, like I have tried to watch normal things but they literally make me gag in disgust, I feel like i'm a little kid or something but I just have no drive at all for it