I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[Optical_Illusion]

9 minutes ago, will123 said:

X100 on the bold.

 

I've told a few people but am not putting up a billboard announcing that I'm asexual.

I agree, but I didn't have many close friends. I still don't. At the time, it was only 3.

[Miggs]

I recently acknowledged my sexuality as being asexual. I was confused by how strongly people felt to be in a relationship with a person. Not that I didn't have interest in people or found people attractive or had crushes, I did. And my libido is unaffected by my sexuality. But I never wanted to go anywhere beyond a kiss with someone. The idea intrigued me, and I used to think it sexy and romantic. But in a recently ended relationship I realized just how uninterested and even repulsed by the idea of having any kind of physical contact beyond a kiss or hug was. Even a kiss had it's limits with me. It was a disappointment to have the relationship end. But I knew there was no way I could be physical with that person and said so in our break-up conversation. I even went to see a therapist about it who suggested it was due to some kind of childhood trauma. I was not traumatized as a child. At least not by sex or physical contact. But I am still processing this and have come out to a few people. My parents are on the list. I'm not afraid of rejection, just concerned that their inability to understand will lead to a lack of belief in what I say. But I do plan on telling them. I have felt very supported by this community and my close friends and family thus far. 

[NickyTannock]

@yasinyellow A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

@moseph A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's my favourite cake,

[Gingerpud]

I think I first realised I was asexual several months ago when my friend and I were having a discussion and she first introduced me to it. Honestly, trust me when I say I went and did research and read different forums, realising I related to what was being said. I had always been so confused about the fact that I didn’t feel the same way as the people around me and the fact that people actually did want to have sex - when people around me spoke about wanting to have sex I always thought it was a joke! Constantly I just brushed it off, thinking “oh it’s a phase I will get through”. It was not just a phase. I guess I really realised I was asexual when I met another asexual at a pride event and realised how much I related to them, I felt relieved that I wasn’t “broken” and there were other people like me. I have only told a few people who have all been so kind and understanding, some not fully understanding it but asking questions, wanting to understand it. So grateful to be part of such a nice community.

[daveb]

1 hour ago, Gingerpud said:

I think I first realised I was asexual several months ago when my friend and I were having a discussion and she first introduced me to it. Honestly, trust me when I say I went and did research and read different forums, realising I related to what was being said. I had always been so confused about the fact that I didn’t feel the same way as the people around me and the fact that people actually did want to have sex - when people around me spoke about wanting to have sex I always thought it was a joke! Constantly I just brushed it off, thinking “oh it’s a phase I will get through”. It was not just a phase. I guess I really realised I was asexual when I met another asexual at a pride event and realised how much I related to them, I felt relieved that I wasn’t “broken” and there were other people like me. I have only told a few people who have all been so kind and understanding, some not fully understanding it but asking questions, wanting to understand it. So grateful to be part of such a nice community.

Welcome and  !

[Ringmaster04]

Spent way too much time fretting over the things I didn't want and never really stopped to think about what I do want. I have a great group of accepting friends, but they struggle to understand that "broken" feeling I get whenever we're all out somewhere together. I think there will always be things about myself that I question, but I look forward to having a place where I can continue to learn more about myself and use that to help my friends and family learn more about me. Looking forward to the days and weeks ahead and to exploring this community that suddenly feels much larger than I ever expected. And of course there's cake, so it's win-win!

[daveb]

1 minute ago, Ringmaster04 said:

Spent way too much time fretting over the things I didn't want and never really stopped to think about what I do want. I have a great group of accepting friends, but they struggle to understand that "broken" feeling I get whenever we're all out somewhere together. I think there will always be things about myself that I question, but I look forward to having a place where I can continue to learn more about myself and use that to help my friends and family learn more about me. Looking forward to the days and weeks ahead and to exploring this community that suddenly feels much larger than I ever expected. And of course there's cake, so it's win-win!

Sounds good.

Welcome and  for you, too!

[will123]

@Ringmaster04

 

Welcome to AVEN!  

 

For some of us the acceptance of our asexuality by ourselves is easy (myself) while for others, it takes some time to become content with it. I hope you are able to get answers to your questions here, reading what folks post here is quite helpful. There are a lot of people that have struggled with their 'sexuality' before finding out about asexuality. Knowing that you're not alone is a big help!

[will123]

5 hours ago, Gingerpud said:

I think I first realised I was asexual several months ago when my friend and I were having a discussion and she first introduced me to it. Honestly, trust me when I say I went and did research and read different forums, realising I related to what was being said. I had always been so confused about the fact that I didn’t feel the same way as the people around me and the fact that people actually did want to have sex - when people around me spoke about wanting to have sex I always thought it was a joke! Constantly I just brushed it off, thinking “oh it’s a phase I will get through”. It was not just a phase. I guess I really realised I was asexual when I met another asexual at a pride event and realised how much I related to them, I felt relieved that I wasn’t “broken” and there were other people like me. I have only told a few people who have all been so kind and understanding, some not fully understanding it but asking questions, wanting to understand it. So grateful to be part of such a nice community.

Before I found out about asexuality, I never felt broken or questioned my sexuality . In fact I wanted to be sexual, but for whatever reason wasn't able to do anything about it. When I did find out about asexuality I felt quite happy to know that there were others that were like me that felt no sexual attraction or desire to others and were perfectly fine living their lives this way.

 

Only one of the five people I've told were familiar with asexuality, but after explaining it and the reasons (personal life experiences) why I identified as such, they understood and were completely cool with it.

 

On the last sentence, yes it is, even though I've only met two other asexuals in person, one female and the other agender. I would like to meet and chat with a male ace and compare his experience with mine. I found out about AVEN at the same time as I found out about asexuality (back in 2005) but I didn't jump into the forum so to speak until 2017. I guess at the time I figured "OK I'm asexual, that's all I need to know". I'm on a lot of hobby and or recreation forums, but this is the first and only 'lifestyle' forum you could say that I'm on.

 

I hope you enjoy the forum as much as I have! 

[NickyTannock]

@Gingerpud Welcome to AVEN!

 

@Ringmaster04 Welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here are some Sports Cupcakes,

[will123]

What no hockey puck? Figures...

[SiegeDragonfly]

At first I was sure that the word "asexual" didn't describe me.  After all, I had no problems with sex as a concept.  I had no problems with LGBTQIA+ people either.  I just wasn't interested in having it for myself.  Then when I did some reading on what asexuality WAS, I thought what a lot of people here thought.  "Wow, so that's a thing?"  I did feel like I was different than other people, but I didn't think I was "broken" necessarily.  And now that I know it's "a thing", I feel much more comfortable with being different.

 

(I used way too many quote marks here...)

[will123]

35 minutes ago, SiegeDragonfly said:

At first I was sure that the word "asexual" didn't describe me.  After all, I had no problems with sex as a concept.  I had no problems with LGBTQIA+ people either.  I just wasn't interested in having it for myself.  Then when I did some reading on what asexuality WAS, I thought what a lot of people here thought.  "Wow, so that's a thing?"  I did feel like I was different than other people, but I didn't think I was "broken" necessarily.  And now that I know it's "a thing", I feel much more comfortable with being different.

 

(I used way too many quote marks here...)

That's a great comment since that's how I felt when I found out about asexuality and no you didn't use too many quotes!

[Lalipod]

My first thought was that if people really are as sexual as the world makes it seem and I’m just different

 

How does ANYTHING get done?!?

 

seriously, sex is just one of those things that’s never really appealed except in the throes of a blossoming romantic emotional involvement. As it turns out, I don’t even notice when someone is “into” me, to use my sister’s words.

[•◡•]

I was really confused. I thought everybody was like me, I had assumed that sexual attraction like in movies and books was just very exaggerated (maybe it is, how would I know) 

 

I just realised how completely ignorant I was

[SiegeDragonfly]

2 hours ago, •◡• said:

I was really confused. I thought everybody was like me, I had assumed that sexual attraction like in movies and books was just very exaggerated (maybe it is, how would I know) 

 

I just realised how completely ignorant I was

That's EXACTLY what I thought!

[•◡•]

1 minute ago, SiegeDragonfly said:

That's EXACTLY what I thought!

It's still hard to believe. I haven't seen other ace or aro's who though that, until now. Thanks for making me feel a little less crazy

[Evobessive]

I remember when I realised that I was asexual and that didn't mean I was broken or couldn't experience romantic love I was so relieved and happy. The main thought I had was 'there are people like me' and that meant that I having a relationship with someone who completely understood my feelings about sex and whom I would never feel pressure from to have sex could be possible. Before realising this, I thought I would live my whole life without having a romantic relationship or getting married. Now I know that these things may be more difficult but not impossible 😍

[AceMissBehaving]

11 hours ago, SiegeDragonfly said:

14 hours ago, •◡• said:

I was really confused. I thought everybody was like me, I had assumed that sexual attraction like in movies and books was just very exaggerated (maybe it is, how would I know) 

 

I just realised how completely ignorant I was

That's EXACTLY what I thought!

I thought the same thing too 

[will123]

6 hours ago, Evobessive said:

I remember when I realised that I was asexual and that didn't mean I was broken or couldn't experience romantic love I was so relieved and happy. The main thought I had was 'there are people like me' and that meant that I having a relationship with someone who completely understood my feelings about sex and whom I would never feel pressure from to have sex could be possible. Before realising this, I thought I would live my whole life without having a romantic relationship or getting married. Now I know that these things may be more difficult but not impossible 😍

I felt the same finding out that there were others that had no sexual attraction. It was a sense of relief that I can't describe. It wasn't until a year or so ago when I realized that I was aro as well. I like/enjoy having female friends but I don't want a relationship. As long as I can remember I never really wanted a girlfriend.

[•◡•]

4 hours ago, CBC said:

It often is, tbh. Not always of course, and perhaps some of the time it's more that it's idealised and oversimplified rather than completely exaggerated, but the take-away point is that although it's a lot bigger of a thing than some asexuals assume, it's certainly not always realistic either.

 

Of course, that's how movies and books are about lots of things. Gotta make them compelling viewing/reading.

That's reassuring, it seems kind of terrifying the way movies show it

[Lucifer911]

On 7/2/2019 at 5:20 PM, Miggs said:

I recently acknowledged my sexuality as being asexual. I was confused by how strongly people felt to be in a relationship with a person. Not that I didn't have interest in people or found people attractive or had crushes, I did. And my libido is unaffected by my sexuality. But I never wanted to go anywhere beyond a kiss with someone. The idea intrigued me, and I used to think it sexy and romantic. But in a recently ended relationship I realized just how uninterested and even repulsed by the idea of having any kind of physical contact beyond a kiss or hug was. Even a kiss had it's limits with me. It was a disappointment to have the relationship end. But I knew there was no way I could be physical with that person and said so in our break-up conversation. I even went to see a therapist about it who suggested it was due to some kind of childhood trauma. I was not traumatized as a child. At least not by sex or physical contact. But I am still processing this and have come out to a few people. My parents are on the list. I'm not afraid of rejection, just concerned that their inability to understand will lead to a lack of belief in what I say. But I do plan on telling them. I have felt very supported by this community and my close friends and family thus far. 

This is exactly how I feel. I was in a relationship and he wanted more but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and now I have someone pushing me for more and I want to entertain the idea because it’s whats considered “normal” but it sorta like disgusts me. However I don’t think I can go to my parents, I know they don’t agree with all the different sexuality’s and I’ve been made fun of for years by friends and people in general because I dress a bit differently and act differently, get called a Tom boy and im ok with that because I’m comfortable that way. 

[NickyTannock]

@Lucifer911 Welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's an Alien Observer Cake,

[Miggs]

22 hours ago, Lucifer911 said:

This is exactly how I feel. I was in a relationship and he wanted more but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and now I have someone pushing me for more and I want to entertain the idea because it’s whats considered “normal” but it sorta like disgusts me. However I don’t think I can go to my parents, I know they don’t agree with all the different sexuality’s and I’ve been made fun of for years by friends and people in general because I dress a bit differently and act differently, get called a Tom boy and im ok with that because I’m comfortable that way. 

I feel that. I was often made fun of and humiliated in some instances for being non-sexual. To everyone else I was just not getting enough action and it must have been because of something I wasn't doing. Well, they weren't wrong. I didn't want to be doing anything so I didn't. I was pressured to be in relationships, have sex and/or have physical contact with someone. But all of this was before I even knew what my sexuality was, I just knew what I didn't want. Once I did know, people started to leave me alone, especially the more calm and confident I was in my responses. While I would like to say it was just during my younger years, as a teenager, I cannot. My adult friends, married with kids or not, would talk down to me because they felt I was more 'innocent' than them or their children. To them, being an adult was having sex, being openly sexual, saying waaaaaaayyyyyy too much about their sexuality and of course drinking. These people were toxic in that way and they aren't in my life anymore. Despite having changed their ways for the most part, I still don't want to go backward and retry those friendships. My other friendships are rewarding and supportive. Having their support has given me the strength and confidence to be honest. That's what it takes. My family is also supportive. Thus far. When I tried to come out to my parents recently I had to stop. I was starting to cry and just said I will tell them later, when I was ready. They said they would love, accept and respect me for who I am whenever I am ready and that helped. They still don't know. But I can take my time. And that's okay. My parents are also less accepting of all types of gender identity and sexuality but I hope that their love for me will be a buffer against that and they will learn from my perspective, and ultimately become more open minded. As for being a Tomboy, here's a link that discusses that terms' origin and meaning in depth. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/01/tomboy/512258/ If they are saying that then I agree with you, they are restricted by their own perspective that both isolates you and them. Sorry to hear that. But now you have this community. Welcome! Have some cake! 

[Haematite]

Hi everyone, I'm new on here.  I found this website and forum through desperation after my fiance yelled at me for 45 minutes, not understanding why I don't show him physical attention, why I would not want to have a loving, sexual relationship with the man I love (and I do love him).  I have told him over and over again that I just don't feel it, and I never have felt a sexual desire for anyone.  He kept asking what is wrong with me, what has happened to me to make me like this, how do I think I make him feel, is he repulsive, etc, etc?  I couldn't make him understand, and the only analogy I could come up with is that if you don't have an appetite for something, you don't want it or have a desire for it ... if you are forced to eat fillet steak every day, you probably won't want to eat fillet steak!  But deep down, I know that it is a bigger thing than that for me, I have always been like this, since a teenager with my first experiences.  So ... in my deep sadness and sense of inadequacy, I started googling celibacy, as I have never felt that I should have to apologise for having no sexual desire, and yet it is considered weird and selfish of me not to want to 'give' to my partner. 

 

Then I found this site - it was a revelation to me, as I had never heard of asexuality.  As I read about it, it all made sense, it all resonated with me.  I now believe I am asexual, as I never feel a sexual attraction which makes me think I want to have sex with a person, but I do fancy people and am very attracted to people, and I desperately want a romantic relationship - cuddling, kissing, holding hands, intimacy of a non-sexual kind and companionship - a life partner. 

 

I know now that at some point soon I am going to have to broach this subject with my fiance, and tell him about this site as well, so he can read about it himself.  He wants us to have a deep conversation so that (in his words) he understands me, my needs, what I like sexually and what I want him to do.  It's going to be hard to tell him that I don't want him to do anything, I don't have any sexual needs, and what I like is to be cuddled and kissed without any further sexual contact.  It's going to mean the end of my relationship, I'm virtually positive, as my lack of interest in sex has meant the end of so many relationships in the past when I get to the point that having regular sex just to please my partner simply becomes too unbearable, making me feel used and like a piece of meat.  I always thought I would meet 'the right man', who would change things for me and make me feel differently, but I guess now I know that won't happen. 

 

It is actually such a relief that I am not a total freak, frigid, a block of wood, as I have been told ... I am asexual.  It feels like a major discovery that I am tip-toeing into.  I don't have to consider going to sexual counselling which would make me experiment with my sexuality so that I can have a 'normal' loving, sexual relationship, because I am asexual.  I am asexual!!  I am asexual!!  Sorry for the long post, it just all spilled out.

[NickyTannock]

@Haematite Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry that your relationships ended like that, and that coming out as Asexual to your fiance might mean the end of your current one as well.

 

I don't know if it will help, but you could show them this short book about Asexuality that's free to read online: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

And I wish you luck.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Sleeping Puppy Cake,

[Miggs]

3 hours ago, Haematite said:

Hi everyone, I'm new on here.  I found this website and forum through desperation after my fiance yelled at me for 45 minutes, not understanding why I don't show him physical attention, why I would not want to have a loving, sexual relationship with the man I love (and I do love him).  I have told him over and over again that I just don't feel it, and I never have felt a sexual desire for anyone.  He kept asking what is wrong with me, what has happened to me to make me like this, how do I think I make him feel, is he repulsive, etc, etc?  I couldn't make him understand, and the only analogy I could come up with is that if you don't have an appetite for something, you don't want it or have a desire for it ... if you are forced to eat fillet steak every day, you probably won't want to eat fillet steak!  But deep down, I know that it is a bigger thing than that for me, I have always been like this, since a teenager with my first experiences.  So ... in my deep sadness and sense of inadequacy, I started googling celibacy, as I have never felt that I should have to apologise for having no sexual desire, and yet it is considered weird and selfish of me not to want to 'give' to my partner. 

 

Then I found this site - it was a revelation to me, as I had never heard of asexuality.  As I read about it, it all made sense, it all resonated with me.  I now believe I am asexual, as I never feel a sexual attraction which makes me think I want to have sex with a person, but I do fancy people and am very attracted to people, and I desperately want a romantic relationship - cuddling, kissing, holding hands, intimacy of a non-sexual kind and companionship - a life partner. 

 

I know now that at some point soon I am going to have to broach this subject with my fiance, and tell him about this site as well, so he can read about it himself.  He wants us to have a deep conversation so that (in his words) he understands me, my needs, what I like sexually and what I want him to do.  It's going to be hard to tell him that I don't want him to do anything, I don't have any sexual needs, and what I like is to be cuddled and kissed without any further sexual contact.  It's going to mean the end of my relationship, I'm virtually positive, as my lack of interest in sex has meant the end of so many relationships in the past when I get to the point that having regular sex just to please my partner simply becomes too unbearable, making me feel used and like a piece of meat.  I always thought I would meet 'the right man', who would change things for me and make me feel differently, but I guess now I know that won't happen. 

 

It is actually such a relief that I am not a total freak, frigid, a block of wood, as I have been told ... I am asexual.  It feels like a major discovery that I am tip-toeing into.  I don't have to consider going to sexual counselling which would make me experiment with my sexuality so that I can have a 'normal' loving, sexual relationship, because I am asexual.  I am asexual!!  I am asexual!!  Sorry for the long post, it just all spilled out.

You are welcome here! I'm sorry for the experiences that brought you such pain, but many asexuals have been through this. Your community is here. As customary, a cake for achieving this knowledge and finding the support you need.

 

 

[Lmaan]

i didn't find AVEN until recently, but I had the very typical reaction of "i'm not broken!"

 I don't even remember how I found  out asexuality exists, but it was sometime in high school when I was realizing I was the abnormal one for not enjoyment sex, not wanting to have sex, and not finding anyone sexually attractive. That sex is a really big deal and not just a horny high schoolers thing. in a world revolving around sex, I thought that I had something seriously wrong with me becuas eI wasn't like everyone else. I believe I cried when I learned Asexual exists and it's okay.

[will123]

8 hours ago, Haematite said:

Hi everyone, I'm new on here.  I found this website and forum through desperation after my fiance yelled at me for 45 minutes, not understanding why I don't show him physical attention, why I would not want to have a loving, sexual relationship with the man I love (and I do love him).  I have told him over and over again that I just don't feel it, and I never have felt a sexual desire for anyone.  So ... in my deep sadness and sense of inadequacy, I started googling celibacy, as I have never felt that I should have to apologise for having no sexual desire, and yet it is considered weird and selfish of me not to want to 'give' to my partner. 

 

Then I found this site - it was a revelation to me, as I had never heard of asexuality.  As I read about it, it all made sense, it all resonated with me.  I now believe I am asexual, as I never feel a sexual attraction which makes me think I want to have sex with a person, but I do fancy people and am very attracted to people, and I desperately want a romantic relationship - cuddling, kissing, holding hands, intimacy of a non-sexual kind and companionship - a life partner. 

 

It is actually such a relief that I am not a total freak, frigid, a block of wood, as I have been told ... I am asexual.  It feels like a major discovery that I am tip-toeing into.  I don't have to consider going to sexual counselling which would make me experiment with my sexuality so that I can have a 'normal' loving, sexual relationship, because I am asexual.  I am asexual!!  I am asexual!!  Sorry for the long post, it just all spilled out.

Welcome to AVEN .  Dont apologize for your post! If it takes that to feel better go for it. Your response to finding out about asexuality sounds exactly like me. I had no idea that there was such an identity. I wasn't looking for an answer I just stumbled onto an article in one of our local papers.

 

Also if anyone brings up celibacy should you ever mention your asexuality, tell them that asexuality is not a choice we make. I know I never made a conscious decision to not have sex.

[NickyTannock]

@Lmaan Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm happy that you don't feel broken anymore after learning that Asexuality exists.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's Gift Box Cake,