I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[Mobocracy]

Hello. Where to begin? Well, I had always a bit unattentive to what goes on around me, so I didn't realize, growing up, that everyone was so interested in sex. It wasn't until my sister and my mother were jokingly asking me about how I dealt with my 'sexual urges' while in high school that I realized that I didn't think about sex. During that conversation, I told them that I didn't understand what they were talking about, and they teased me saying that I could be asexual. Years later, I realized that, even though they were kiding, they were correct. Unlike other stories I have heard, I guess I could be considered lucky because I was raised to take pride in any little quirk I had, so I never felt broken to begin with (but could also be due to my bubble of ignorance). I discovered AVEN about a year ago by accident, but never really felt a need to join, mainly because I was happy with who I was and didn't see a reason to join. But since then, I realized how hard it actually was to come forward with my asexuality, especially when I told my parents. And then, I read what people say on other online forums about asexuality, straight up denying my existence. So long story short, I finally felt like I needed a place where I could be more easily understood. So, thank you for reading, and putting up with my comma-happy righting.

[Jingee]

Hi everyone :) I'm a newbie here. On the forums and to the asexual thing.

Up until last week I always thought asexual was a term for cell reproduction LOL. I have been on the internet for about six or seven years now and have never heard of such a term. That is until one of my best online friends was talking to me about herself and posted a list of different identities and what not. I was just skimming through it nonchalantly and did not expect to see one of these fit who I am.

I finally have a word to describe what I have always been. I am twenty one years old and have never even thought about having sex, I am not disgusted by it it just does not interest me at all. My best friend who I have known since I was twelve has always called me weird because I don't know what I'm missing. I don't of course but I am not interested in it in the first place either.

A little about me...

I'm a very shy, not talkative, overweight female. In real life I'm about the quietest you can get. I've had low self esteem, was picked on and bullied through elementary school up until about sophomore year of high school. I went to at least ten different schools growing up because my mother and I never stayed in one place for too long, moving all over the place in the same state. Until high school stayed there the last three years. I only had my few close friends and I was fine with that. They were my sisters from other misters.

I had a "boyfriend" in high school senior year, he was my best friend in school who I'd known for two years. He decided to ask me out and I said yes because duh he was my best friend and it would be something new maybe my feelings would change and I would actually feel like a normal person if I had someone. Whenever we were alone I was nervous as hell and couldn't stop shaking it felt like. I just felt so uncomfortable. It wasn't him I really liked him, but more of a friend way I wanted to be close to him but in no way did I want to do "it". When he kissed me the first time I didn't really feel anything but weird.

This is just so awesome, I don't feel like a freak anymore. I literally thought I was alone and that something was wrong with me. My older sister is a lesbian and my mom is fine with that she asks me out of the blue sometimes if I am too and I of course say no, because I know I'm not. I'm nothing at all. I don't feel that kind of attraction to anyone. I do have feelings for one of my best friends but I have never met him except over the internet on skype voice and video calls. Because he lives in a different country. We've talked for five years almost every day. But it is not sexual, I love him and want to be with him but not anything involving sex...I don't know its just weird. If I were to meet him in real life I would hug him to near death and never let go. XD

Anyways, I really look forward to looking into this more and maybe making new friends :) I'm just discovering this site and newly informed that I'm not alone. It feels so strange!!! But in a good way definitely. Sorry if this post was too long and too detailed. ^^"

[Epitaksor]

Hi everyone,

First of all, I'd like to thank you for all these great stories which really affected me. I have hardly felt so close to anyone during my last years, and hope to make some new friends here. It seems to me that I found the solution to my biggest concerns of my past.

To keep it short, I always felt somewhat detached or misfit around others. I related this to my preference of introversion, and could live with it. However, after puberty things became worse. I could not understand why people around me have dated each other, without sharing major intellectual interests. I am attracted to girls too, but this attraction has never been sexually in any way. On the contrary, I like their company and enjoy to discuss with them different opinions, but never have any interest in a sexual sense.

Since I was attracted to girls like other boys of my age, I did not realize the difference. I just always wondered why other persons are so much claiming the importance of sexual activity, which I personally consider completely negligible. I thought they were just joking to impress other people. However, during the last weeks I enhanced my search towards where I really fit. I came to the term asexuality and this forum here, and it seems to me that everything becomes clear now.

So here I am, and I'm really relieved.

[Phoenix842]

I have mixed feelings about this. I apologize if this seems a little late on the uptake. I can't really articulate it still. Mixed, but no less intense than most people that have strong convictions. On the one hand of asexuality, I have never *really* felt sexually motivated or attracted to people. Yes, I can appreciate another person's beauty and personality, but that's about it. Like I've stated earlier, all of my relationships (since, both of them were abusive and since I realize I have no further desire, let's say all relationships) that I have had or am going to have, the other person has initiated. Now, I am not complaining about that in any way. I just don't feel like I've had any desire to begin with.

Anyway, in my school years I was often called HIV boy, because everyone thought I was in the closet. I didn't have a girlfriend and I didn't want one. Everyone said that I "needed a girlfriend". I am probably going to link most of my misanthropy to these years of school. The only reason why I sort of wanted to have one was to get people to shut the fuck up about it and stop insinuating that I had an STD. Also, societal pressure is no fun, as most of you already know.

So no, I am not really jazzed to be asexual, because I am already an outcast of society, even though I am extremely nice to everyone regardless of any stuff. But I wouldn't really be jazzed about being sexual either. Because then, I'd have a whole 'nother set of issues to worry about. Anyway, the truth of the matter is, my revelation is lukewarm. It's nice to be with people that don't view me as someone that is out for something. Which I have never been and never will. But at the same time, I will always be in my mind, the same outcasted, slightly chubby (at least not anymore to other people), awkward, and depressed person I was in my pre college years.

[lamplight]

Last night i sent an fb message to a friend saying I wouldn't know sexual attraction if it hit me in the face and wondering if there was something wrong with me. After logging out i googled asexuality and this was practically the first website I came across.I found it really helpful. I read so many threads with people all expressing exactly the same emotions and confusions and worries that I have felt my whole life. I was so interested and excited by all the info and posts that I was up practically all night reading Whilst i still need more time to think about it all I finally feel like I am starting to understand myself a bit and can relax and let go of some of the unhappiness and worry I have felt.

[Showghost]

I was absolutely elated to find that there is such an orientation for those who simply have no interest--and that that there is an entire community of others who feel the same way! And what an incredibly lovely and welcoming community it has proved to be!

[lonelyACEgirl]

This is my first post; I am new here. Time doesn't permit me to go into much detail right now but I will say that I am surprised to see that there are so many others out there like me.

[Distonia]

HI everyone! this is my first post here...i'm new to the site but I have accepted being asexual for about a year now....and before that, from my teens until then i was in denial about it pretty heavily. looking back i notice i only had sex with people because i knew they needed it in their life but it never brought me anything except me getting seriously TIRED of pleasing others that way.

So last year, (2012) I finally put my foot down and said that's it, I just have to accept that I am not interested in the sexual side of life and from now on I am not having sex with anyone unless I, myself feel a sexual attraction. No luck there yet...ever.

BUT after stating the above to myself I felt REALLY relieved. I also notice I'm a lot happier now because I don't stress about having a partner and pleasing him or trying to get my sexual life "on track and working" because it just is what it is...I do not FEEL any sexual life in me.

And to anyone out there who may be asexual but is thinking "there's something wrong with me" or trying to spice up their sex life so they finally feel "normal"...FORGET IT. firstly, there's nothing wrong with you and secondly trying to force yourself to be a sexual person will only make you unhappy because in the end, there is one person that must accept you the most of all...and that is YOU.

With Regards,

Distonia

[forpetesake]

As a teen and in my 20s I had several romantic relationships with men and women but they ended as soon after they became sexual. In a couple of case my partners tried to make it work, but I felt no needs for sex and when it happened it did nothing for me, to which understandibly people took offense. I have been called everything under the sun and in one case been submitted to violence. I have not had a romantic relationship for 13 years and now steer clear altogether. My bigest concern from experience is that someone will attempt to fix me and so far three people have used this reasoning for rape. Things are getting better, but after the last attack 5 years ago I didn't go out alone for 2 years and all three attacks have left very wary of men including family members. You never fully recover.

[selflove]

Hi,

This is a new concept for me to consider, though not a new word. I thought I coined the phrase ASEXUAL as a teen. I often would masturbate several times a day and began to think I was strange. I spent years in guilt and fear over my habit, but no matter how bad I felt I could not stop. I felt that my answer was to get married, and I found sex great, but I still would masturbate regularly. This caused me to wonder if I was ASEXUAL, meaning I loved to masturbate. But if I gather the info on this site correctly, this is truly for those with no sexual urges. I can understand not having romantic feelings, but to have no sexual urges seems superhuman. I could have years of my life back if it were not for hours spent masturbating.

[Percivel]

I, too, thought I invented the term "asexuality" a few years ago referring to my ace wife. I found out I wasn't such a genius when I came across AVEN. I was elated to finally know what our situation was and it explained everything! My wife, however, didn't seem so excited. She was a little worried that I might end our marriage with the realization that she was ace. She was more excited about my own elation...whence I calmed her fears.

[filmbuff]

I have been having a really horrible weekend. I got that feeling where your brain is bombarded with so many thoughts and feelings that it feels like it's going to explode. Usually when I feel like that I watch a comedy to relax and feel better, but my brain was so crazy that I couldn't handle anything. I started 3 different movies on Netflix before deciding to browse the documentaries, and I found (A) Sexual. I couldn't even finish it, I have 43 minutes left but I had to log on here and check it out. I've spend so much time this weekend explaining to people that I'm just not interested in sex, and finding this site feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I still have a lot of other crap from this weekend to deal with, but at least I feel some relief and peace about part of my identity. :)

[Pulsewave]

I suddenly felt joy, happiness, relief and finally at peace with myself. All my life I felt different and like I wasn't functioning properly. I tried and tried and tried to be like everyone else but I simply wasn't. For the first time in my life, since finding out I was asexual and finding others are like me I no longer feel depressed.

The thing about me is, I can feel strong emotions for people, super strong, I can feel immense love and feelings but when it comes to sex or anything sexual there's simply nothing there, infact when i think about it I tend to see it as primitive and animalistic and it's simply just not for me at all.
I wish I could find someone in life where I can have a truly loving relationship with without needing the sex, but these days sex seems to be 90% of a relationship. How can someone like me have a relationship in todays world?

[angieb32]

Hello I don't what to say other than at times sex makes me feel like a lump of meat I can't wait til its over and I avoid if I can, my partner has a very high sex drive and if I say no I'm tired he looks so hurt and offended the truth is I just don't like sex I'd rather chill with a DVD just can't be chewed with it am I asexual? X

[thesidewayssky]

I didn't actually think of asexuality regarding myself when I first heard that it was a thing. I'm still not entirely sure if it fits. I don't think I've ever been attracted to someone sexually, but I also don't know if I can say for sure what that even feels like. I can sometimes tell if someone's good-looking (usually in a picture, rather than someone who's actually there), but that always seems to be in a kind of detached way, like it's just an observation without anything else, I guess. Not really sure how to put it. Talking about anything to do with being attracted to someone always makes me feel really awkward, but then I generally get awkward talking about anything really personal, so I'm not really sure if that means anything. Basically, I'm starting to think there's a good chance I'm an ace, but I'm not sure just yet. I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point, though. Probably.

[Storm Dancing]

I suddenly felt joy, happiness, relief and finally at peace with myself. All my life I felt different and like I wasn't functioning properly. I tried and tried and tried to be like everyone else but I simply wasn't. For the first time in my life, since finding out I was asexual and finding others are like me I no longer feel depressed.

The thing about me is, I can feel strong emotions for people, super strong, I can feel immense love and feelings but when it comes to sex or anything sexual there's simply nothing there, infact when i think about it I tend to see it as primitive and animalistic and it's simply just not for me at all.

I wish I could find someone in life where I can have a truly loving relationship with without needing the sex, but these days sex seems to be 90% of a relationship. How can someone like me have a relationship in todays world?

I understand what you're saying completely. Through my life I've known people I've felt very close to, some I've loved until sex got in the way. I feel as you do about sex. I simply don't understand why, when I meet someone, that's the most important thing...not who I am, what I like, my thoughts, my feelings....that is what defines me, not the fact that I possess one-half of two inter-connecting parts.

Some people have found partners, I've seen it happen on here but does it happen often? I don't know. I'm with my partner of 13 years and she's sexual. I just recently told her I'm asexual (she always felt as though I just didn't want to have sex with her in particular) but now she's spending all her time lining up someone who will have sex with her. And now that I'm on the outside of all of this, I listen to her and her new girlfriend talk and it's all filled with sexual innuendos and flirting. And I don't understand. I don't understand how this can be so much more important then who you are, as a person. So, I don't really know if asexuals can have a relationship where both partners feel appreciated and fulfilled by the other. It's a very sexual world. When I first came on this site and realized I was asexual, I was extremely relieved and happy to have found out I'm not abnormal. But now, I don't really know where I fit in. Everything is about sex, either blatant or subtle. So, in a way, I still feel like I'm outside looking in.

I hope you enjoy the AVEN site, there's tons of info here for you to dig through and do your own searching of self. And I really can't say if you'll ever find someone you want to have a relationship with but never give up looking. Finding someone who values you for everything you truly are is well worth the search.:)

[cemeterywitch]

I always just blended in with the people who said they were "waiting till marriage."

Because people wouldn't ask questions.

Obviously even if I got married sex wouldn't happen. I think people bother me more now that I'm asexual than when I lied.

When I finally found out I'm asexual I felt more complete as a person.

[actriz de voz]

YEAH that's okay! Ha ha I don't want it either! However, that doesn't mean I never experience arousal or whatever. I just don't feel like I need another person to release the tension on. :P I've never been a touchy person as it is, and sex acts are as touchy as you can get! I definitely believe I'm asexual if I have to put a label on myself. I don't feel the need for sex or really even for touching people. I don't need physical components with people as long as there is a strong mental and emotional connection.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

Welcome home! ;)

[C-Tab]

By high school, I knew I wasn't sexually interested in anyone and never would be. My friends were always aware of it, and it was never an issue to them - of course, my friends run the gamut of sexuality as much as they do religion, so my orientation was just another of the bunch. Parents were a different story, but eh. So when I heard about asexuality, it was "Hey! That's my word! I have a word for me now!"

[Flouatiousyop]

Hi guys. I have been searching the Internet to find a place like this and luckily it didn't take long. ;)

For me I was always different. People (my mother) kept telling me my whole life that someday I would want to get married and have kids but I was doubtful. I didn't date in high school or college and just a couple months ago went on my first date. I hated it. I kept feeling like the guy was expecting something that I just wasn't feeling. I felt bad because he was a really sweet guy. I then made up some excuses to push our next date off so long he met someone else and I was so RELIEVED!

Then about a week ago I saw a post on Facebook of all places explaining what asexuality really was and everything suddenly made sense. After a little more research to confirm the facts I felt a huge weight lifted off me that now, at the tender age of 29 I finally get it. It took a while but I'm glad I didn't try to force myself to be "normal." Normal is boring!

I always knew 30 would be a good age for me and knowing a bit more about myself is just another reason why ;)

[Malia]

I'm not really sure how to feel about my...wavering sexuality.

I discovered this website and asexuality a few months ago, but when I read about it at first, I thought, "hm, that's cool, that could possibly be me but probably not," and sort of closed myself off to the idea of it.

But now I think my asexuality is something I can't avoid. It kind of scares me that I'm not like everyone else :/

I didn't lose my virginity until I was about 18, and before that, like in high school, I literally had zero interest in sex. I mean I was curious about it, because girls around me always talked about how amazing it was, but I never had urges, never masturbated, never cared to know what it was like, at all. Besides, genitalia grossed me out anyway (lol). I was purely interested in romantic relationships. Mostly with guys because heterosexuality is the norm, but secretly I've always been romantically into girls too.

As of post-high school, I've had sex with a few different people. With the first person, I was pretty into it...we were in a romantic relationship and I cared about him a lot, so I think that's why I was actually excited to have sex with him for the first time. I'm not exactly sure because I have a hard time remembering, but I think I was more excited about the emotional feeling than I was the physical feeling...it was just the fact that I was sharing this with someone who liked me as much as I liked him. We used to have sex almost every day. Some days I felt those "horny urges" that other people always talked about, but other days it didn't matter what he did, I just couldn't feel anything. I'd get bored during intercourse and think about my plans the next day, or I'd just lie there and wait for it to be over...one time I even fell asleep. And even though we had sex a lot, that wasn't why I was with him. If you were to ask me to list reasons why I liked him back then, sex wouldn't have even occurred as a reason to me.

Anyway, ever since I've been broken up with that guy, my urges to have sex have literally disappeared, just like before. I pretty much never feel horny, and the few times I do feel horney are not a big deal to me (I don't ever feel the need to go out and have sex to "fix the problem"...it isn't a problem to me.)

Sometimes I get infatuated with the *idea* of sleeping with someone I meet, but when I actually get there with that person, it's just...bleh. A few times I get turned on during intercourse if I try really hard not to think about what I'm doing, but most of the time, it just falls flat or never starts up at all. When I'm around my friends at college, they talk about sex like it's something they need to get periodically in order to function better, and I've just...never felt that way. They talk about it like it's this really enjoyable thing, and I can never remember myself having that much fun during sex...I feel like if sex was that enjoyable for me too, I would remember it, you know? Is my memory broken or something? Did I actually like it and I'm just spacing out?

I almost went a year between two of my sexual encounters. I was totally fine with it, but when I told people, they thought I was weird for never craving it. And I never do crave it.

At this point I think I could go the rest of my life without having sex and be totally fine.

But that doesn't mean I could go the rest of my life without a relationship. I still do want a romantic relationship with someone, very much so...I just wish that relationships didn't have the pressure of sex involved :/ Now when I meet someone who's a regularly functional sexual being, I stay away. The thought of having sex with anyone right now grosses me out. I just had to end things with a guy I was talking to recently because he wanted to have sex with me...I told him at first that I wanted to have sex with him, but the closer it came to the reality of it, the more I realized that I didn't want to be with him that way at all.

Sorry that this post is becoming so long (lol), but I'm just having a hard time figuring out that there's possibly a name for all of this :/ I'm already scared of having to tell people that I'm pan/gay, so this...added aspect of asexuality and complete disinterest in sex just makes everything worse and it's kind of a mess right now :/ I just feel really alone and alienated, like nobody else I've ever met feels this way. Everyone I know in college gets into heterosexual relationships all the time, and they talk about sex like it's this regular part of their life, and I just sit there and feel like I'm broken or something. I'm just wondering if I'll ever meet someone who would be okay with me not wanting to have sex with them. Ever.

I'm just not really sure what to do or how to identify myself. Part of me wanted it to just be a phase I was/am going through, but when I think about it, I've always been this way...

Part of me also thinks that I could just...ignore the asexual part of me and "fake it" til I make it with someone in a relationship. I mean I was okay having sex with my ex boyfriend, so I could just get over it and try to live like everyone else, right? But I don't think I'd be happy that way. If I could meet someone, of any gender, who I could live with and function with without having to touch them sexually at all? I think that would be...ideal. I just want to be in love with someone for who they are as a person, their body having nothing to do with it. And I feel really unsure about my future because of it.

[ithaca]

Malia, I understand how you feel. **hugs**

Being not heteroromantic AND asexual can be even harder, because it's a double-coming-out if someone wants to be really honest. Just as being not cisgender AND asexual can be a double-coming-out. Intersections can make things harder.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk!

[derynlilith]

I heard about asexuality a long time ago but did not know about romantic orientations. I kept thinking how different I was from the world but then my mind kept wandering back to asexuality and when I looked it up online and found out I could be asexual and panromantic I was so happy and for the first time I felt real.

[Nevyn]

Thats kind of how I felt. I even used to joke to myself that one day I'd figure all that relationship stuff out and become a real boy. Still workng on that but I am finally beginning to understand myself in new ways.

[Minsky]

I am rather new to this site, and though I've been mostly quiet on the forum it's not been quiet in my head! When I began to think that I may have asexual/gray-a side in me it felt kind of a relief. I mean I've known for a very long time there's something different in me sexually - been told by men that I lack chemistry, I am shy, repressed, distant, what ever. It's been rather hurtful. I just wanted to cuddle! Now, looking back it makes sense. I am not just wired that way. I am not completely asexual, meaning I do have a libido of somesorts, pleasure myself (rarely) and can get turned on by ideas, imagery and that kind of stuff but actual sex with someone - rather not. Sex is not completely repulsive for me as an expression of intimacy but sex for just sex is unthinkable. I just don't get turned on by real people. I've never gotten the idea of instant sexual attraction, or "I'd definately boink that" nor the desire that drives people to have unsafe sex or cheat (I dont mean to criticize, just trying to describe how alien that kind of want is).

My non-interest to actual sex with men has led me ask if I am gay then. I do find some women visually very attractive and sexy, and like to look at them, but I do not wish to take things further. It's hard to describe, kind of a visual pleasure but there's no desire other than to look. My ogling has gotten me into trouble sometimes - the poor woman came to pick me up and I was absolutely terrified. I tried to fantasize about girls in my teens but even though it was ok, I forgot it quite soon.

Nevertheless, I've been thinking to myself that there's something to fix in me but after "discovering" asexuality I've begun to think that maybe there's nothing to fix. That is such a relief. Though it introduces new worries: can I date? Can I ever find a relationship? Am I really asexual or more like repressed sexual?

[Lyariage]

I suddenly felt joy, happiness, relief and finally at peace with myself. All my life I felt different and like I wasn't functioning properly. I tried and tried and tried to be like everyone else but I simply wasn't. For the first time in my life, since finding out I was asexual and finding others are like me I no longer feel depressed.

The thing about me is, I can feel strong emotions for people, super strong, I can feel immense love and feelings but when it comes to sex or anything sexual there's simply nothing there, infact when i think about it I tend to see it as primitive and animalistic and it's simply just not for me at all.

I wish I could find someone in life where I can have a truly loving relationship with without needing the sex, but these days sex seems to be 90% of a relationship. How can someone like me have a relationship in todays world?

It's like you took the words right out of my own mind ;-) And I for one now believe that it is possible :)

[HeartoftheNorth]

I knew there were people who enjoyed sex, but I didn't quite understand why they did when I didn't. At all. And then I saw people on the internet using "asexual" to describe people who felt no sexual attraction to either gender, and I was like "Am I that?" Eventually I realized I was, and it felt great to know that there were others like me. And then sexuality started becoming really interesting. I loved that sexuality wasn't black and white, that there wasn't a right or wrong, that everyone's was different.

[stargirl3]

I've known for about 12 years know that I was asexual and have been completely okay with it. I am 35 and have never been in a relationship for two reasons. One, I have always been okay alone. I was reading the bio of my favorite band, McFly, the other day and one of the members description of himself hit very close to home. He said "I'm very shy, not keen on socializing. It's not that I don't like other people, it's just that I don't crave company. I'm fine being on my own. I like it, and always have, ever since I was a young kid."

Two, I knew that being in a relationship would lead to sex, and that is something that I've never wanted.

The older I get, the more I realize that while I still don't want to have sex, I would like to have a relationship. I do want that someone who will be my partner, to take care of each other and build a life together. The big question is, how in the world do I go about finding a man who wants that too???

That is why I have joined this site...hoping that somehow it will help me find that person.

[Twiddle~]

I guess I had a "Hmmm this explains a lot" moment when I realised