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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


Lady Girl

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When i first started identifying as Asexual, and came to the realization that i was different than other people it actually really scared me. Not the fact that i was asexual , but that the rest of the world wasn't . Discovering that sex and sexual attraction really was a huge deal for sexual people and wasn't just a Hollywood lie or something scared me to death.

The thought of people finding me sexually attractive, or even worse if they didn't( seeing as sex is such a huge deal for most people ) was absolutely terrifying .

The discovery that i might be demisexual instead is what made clear that i was or at least had been asexual all my life, when i suddenly started feeling sexual attraction towards one of my friends. It was something that i never ever had experienced before. And when it went away and i almost started hating the guy because of unknown reasons ,it was pretty clear to me that i was a sexual or at least Demi sexual ( 'cause i knew it COULD happen to me, just very very unlikely )

I'm open for the idea of relationships and physical contact , only the sex part makes my skin crawl and just UGH No

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admiral awesome

I actually just sort of discovered my "asexuality" only a week or to ago and it was strange because most people ive heard from say that they always knew from the point the became sexually active that they were not interested in males or females sexually but i grew up in a very close minded rural community and it was considered that if you didn't have sex you were basically not a man so i tried relationships through highschool which i failed miserably at an ive even had a few sexual encounters at times ive even watched porn but sex was never anything i focused on in any of my would be relationships it never really mattered to me so eventually i just stopped trying relationships and that was about 3 years ago and the other week i tried to watch porn as i used to do often and everything felt rather forced and i had always considered how completely absurd society's emphasis on sex was and i feel like ive transferred from little interest to full on interference towards sex and it felt so right to finally admit i even sat down and watched the documentary (A)sexual which led me here and made alot of sense out of what i was feeling hs any1 else had that sort of experience ive heard things similar happening to homosexuals even after mairrage but not with assexuals (sorry that was lengthy)

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It was such a huge weight off my chest to finally realize that I wasn't the only person to just Not. Get. Sex/Romance (I'm aromantic). When I heard about asexuality and AVEN, I thought I was going to explode from joy. Instead I got some cake and let out a sigh of relief. :)

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Purple Heart

I think for me, it was just nice to have a term for it...

As some others have said, I never really considered there was something wrong with me, but more that others were exagerating :lol:

One of my best friends is very sexual, so when there's a group of us round their house the topic can often turn to sex - I just find myself completely zoning out because I have no interest in it. They have kinda always seen me as the really 'innocent' one (I don't drink or really swear at all, only very mildy or very censored in written form) and they have noticed my quietness during those sorts of conversations. In the past I've just sort of smiled and shrugged if they've asked if I'm alright with them discussing it - but now that I have a term for what I am, I can confidently turn round and say "yeah, I'm ace" ^_^

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nomnomnomcakes

When I finally figured out that I was asexual, I was coming out of a pretty rough period of my life. I had lost my identity (in the figurative sense), or at least a large part of it, and was trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to become. It was probably the best time to figure everything out and find a community that supported and accepted me.

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i'm proud to be asexual,not many people can just say "hey...i hate sex" and i think it should be part of LGBT! even though i've met so many people that do not believe in this orientation, most of them say we are crazy, we are just ugly or faking it.. -.-

anyways, im happy to know im not the only one in this world, and i hope that asexuals will be visible.

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RomanticPurity

I had not heard the word asexuality in my youth and I was just heard sleazy, creepy comments about adult virgins. Then I read the word "asexual" in description of Edward Gorey, googled it and "yai!" It´s me.

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I had always been told that I should want sex (but only with boys and after marriage) but I was never interested in having sex and just assumed that I would like it when the time came. Also, I thought that aesthetic attraction was the same as sexual attraction, which was why i had a bi-crisis for a while because I thought that people of both genders were hot. It wasn't until I learned the difference between the two types of attraction that I was able to realize I had never felt sexual attraction, and looking through aven and ace blogs really helped. It was great to find a label for what I was feeling and to find other people who felt the same way.

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I hadn't even realized asexuality was an actual thing until I heard it mentioned briefly somewhere a couple of months ago. Even then, I don't think I consciously registered it. Maybe I ignored it because on some level I knew that it explained me, and I wasn't quite ready for that. I decided to focus on schoolwork and put off researching it until the semester was over (although, looking back on it, my final project for my Women's and Gender Studies class kind of ended up being an inadvertent asexual coming-out, minus the actual label of 'asexuality').

The only time I'd ever even heard asexuality mentioned anywhere was on The Big Bang Theory, when someone made a derogative joke about Sheldon's being asexual, causing it to seem as though it was a lifestyle suitable only for complete loners, antisocial misanthropes, and amoebas. So, suffice it to say that when I finally got around to researching asexuality and lurking about AVEN, I was ecstatic. Knowing that there are other people out there who feel similarly to me has been such an addicting source of security for me. Thanks for existing, you guys! :D

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I am going to be honest I am not an introspective person. I am a person who lives in the moment, so I never really thought much about my feelings, they were what they were. So I find few even aesthetically attractive? I have never had a boyfriend and never felt the need to get one, that is just me. I never really found anything wrong with that, I new what I felt was different than others just by our conversations (almost everyone, if they talked for long enough brought up sex or a relationship at some point) but everyone felt differently, like I said I did not think much of it (still don't).

I knew about asexuality, I just never thought to apply the word to myself. Late last Sunday I just out of the blue decided to read up about asexuality and see how if in anyway it applies to me. It wasn't what you would call a revelation, or even a relief to get the label, it was just a name for the feelings or lack there of that I had. I will admit that I did cry a little though, because I found potential people to connect to, in a way I have not been able to really since I was in elementary school.

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MissUnderstood

I didn't know what asexual was. I thought it was like when plants do asexual reproduction so I thought it was loving yourself. Then I looked up the meaning and realised it related to me but I have ignored it for a litte. I finally decided to properly search it today and am so relieved that there are other people who think like me. I had grown up being told that I was just being stupid. I thought I would never be able to find a husband and everyone would tease me (I do get teased a lot about it already). I'm weird, I want children but I don't want sex. When I'm married I have been planning to just accept that sex will be a part of it. But realising that there is a group of people like me has made me realise that there might be some guy out there who likes kisses, hand holding and hugs, while being asexual. There is actually a chance that there is someone out there for me. I'm quite a staunch person but it made me cry. I thought I'd be alone forever.

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mazkeraide

My reaction was...somewhat less than positive. I actually remembered writing something in my diary about it, so I pulled it out and, yeah. Angsty. On the one hand, I was happy to have a "diagnosis", as it were, but it was nowhere near a diagnosis I wanted. I've since become more comfortable with it, though I'm still fully coming around to the idea a year and a half later.

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It was like an epiphany, i'd been round my boyfriends house two days before and anytime his hands went anywhere near the sexual side of things i would get really uncomfortable and prefer to stay cuddling and talking.

I then had an existential crisis of some sorts where i questioned everything - specifically myself. I'd already questioned if i was asexual as i had never been 100% comfortable or happy to have sex with my boyfriends nor was i ever the one to initiate it (I just wasn't interested). So I read some more, various definitions and basically had this huge epiphany that left me crying for 3 hours feeling as if I had finally found myself and when talking it out with a friend i cried more with a huge smile on my face.

It was so liberating! I guess just to realise that I wasn't a weirdo for not thinking that love and sex needed to go hand in hand was the best part, to realise i wasn't alone in it. Also to finally know who I was, i guess?

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I'm a newbie still going through these feelings, but my original reaction to realizing my sexual orientation was the idea of not feeling like I was weird and feeling a lot of relief because of that; knowing that there are a lot of other people out there who identify themselves as asexual really helps.

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To me it felt like a humongous weight was lifted off of me. For years I thought there might be something mentally or physically wrong with me because I wasn't interested in sex. I was very happy with myself, it was just that there was a million things I would rather do than have sex. Now that I know that there's nothing wrong I feel like my life has begun again. I'm just relieved that I'm not alone in the world and that there is nothing wrong with me.

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Dahlia Blues

For years suspicions, piecemeal evidence, summary discussions with friends or family, all quickly halted, the difficulty of trying to explain, the looks of disbelief, recurrent frustration and self judgement, the loneliness, and finally the refusal to defend myself, accepting the bargain sex for intimacy, enjoying giving pleasure and sometimes receiving but feeling generally detached, unable to understand what all the fuss was about...and then finally a discovery, L'Envie by Sophie Fontanel (to be released this summer as The Art of sleeping alone:how one french woman gave up sex), which led me to start trawling the net looking for discursive devices, other voices to help me. Many tears of relief. I'm not alone. I'm not ill. Realization that what people had sometimes accused me of (trauma, idealization, laziness, choosing to be abstinent, victimhood, perverse inconsistency) were not sufficient descriptors. Abstinence is not the same as Asexual. Its okay to be considered "hot" and not feel "hot". Sexuality is a spectrum. Sexuality is not intrinsic to Intimacy. Genital Intercourse does not have to be the cornerstone of romantic life. It is possible to explore the boundaries, to investigate what it means to be a sensual being without the anticipated performance or expectations to perform sexually. My longing for a touch or a caress, skin to skin is not incompatible with my tendancy to avoid certain other acts. And my ability to indulge in pleasure on an occasion does not negate the fact of my proclivity for something like sexual invisibility. I am fluid and ambivalent. I'm okay. It's okay. Breathe.

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I have to add that one of the things that made me really happy about finding out about asexuality , was not only discovering that it wasn't just e being weird and different. But also the discovery that it wasn't just a *Girl thing* . I don't know why but this makes me really happy, the fact that it's not like people tell you it" that girls just don't want sex anyway and all men do". So the discovery that also a lot of men identify as asexual made me feel better.

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For me it was the other way around :P It took some time before I realised that I had a different sexual orientation - or that people have different from mine - and that I am not heterosexual, but heteroromantic and asexual :S

Then I felt broken and weird and something that does not belong to the society :P

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Of course i felt like i was weird to when i first discovered it, but relief came when i realized that there were others like me, if i'm weird at least i'm not the only weird one.

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ItAllMakesSense

Just for fun, I have looked up sexual frequency a couple of times and am always shocked when I see the low number. Younger couples average twice a week, couples that are older average perhaps once a week. I mentioned these figures to my husband just now, he sighed and shook his head and said, yeah, it just doesn't seem right. :lol: He almost had a heart attack when I mentioned your numbers CBC! But then I figured at twice a week, maybe an hour per interlude, this only amounts to 1/84th of actual time...then it didn't seem as bad to him. When I started reading the new Bogaert book one of the things he commented on was the astounding amount of time, energy, and money sexual people invest in something they spend a relatively tiny portion of their time actually doing.

For me, when I realized my husband might be asexual, I was so tremendously relieved to see that what had set us at odds was not just in my head...it was real. When he confirmed that he is, we both felt better about all the past difficulties we had concerning this. At last, an explanation, that's what I thought.

That seems like a lot to me!

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First post for me in this community! :)

I was about 16-17 when i started to worry, everyone seemed to be looking for a partner, everyone would talk about sex on TV, books or whatever and I would get nausea even by hearing it... and specially because I have a very active graphic thinking, so images would just pop up in my mind and it made me feel more sick.

I got an advise "maybe you should watch porn", I thought that maybe that was not a bad idea. I did, took me a lot of effort no to close my eyes but OK... I gotta accept it helped a little, at least I got over the nausea, now I can hear or express opinions about sex but I never felt a desire or could never imagine myself on actual sexual intimacy. I really thought I may had a serious psychological problem... but I've grown more cofident, intelligent and mature enough to accept that these desires are just not there, but sure I cherish the idea of having an asexual partner

Yes I sometimes feel alone in the world and sometimes all that which what the media projects as the "perfect life" gets to me and makes me blue, sometimes I wonder if one they I'll be a gumpy spinster... certainly hope not! I guess I'm still a little afraid and a little hesitant about my life being who I am, but there's pretty much not other way.

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cross_peach

And here I am. After years of wondering what would "fix" me, seeing therapists and doctors, trying different meds, changing my diet and exercise constantly, and finally resorting to just plain faking it. Turns out I wasn't wrong when I told that therapist I thought maybe I was just asexual. Even before I knew there were others like me.

I hope finding this safe haven allows me to learn more about myself and others like me. I'm relieved to be able to finally relax and just be me for once :wub:

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I was relieved. Free! I don't HAVE to act like everyone else with sex!

Then there was the anger. I'm THIRTY and only JUST NOW learning this is a THING? I've been trying to "fix" myself for fifteen years!

Then there was the fear. I don't get turned on by other people. How am I ever going to have a loving relationship with someone? If I'm not going to fake it to make it (which, no, doesn't work), will anyone want me?

Then it sort of cycles around. Mostly between relief and fear. And more than a little excitement because for the first time ever, I'm not the only one dealing with this. It's a real thing, not just in my head.

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I felt clarity, like a fog had cleared. But then sadness settled in the depths of my mind. There aren't a lot of Asexuals out there and the people I'm around are very sexual people. How do I explain this to people without them insisting that it's "just a phase" or I'm "just scared of getting involved".

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Mackensie Morgan Goff

When I found out I was asexual about 4 years ago (14 years old, I am almost 18) I freaked out. I forced myself to like either men or women everyday. I only have a weak sexual attraction and no sexual desire. How often are those to mixed up... I don't know, all I can tell you is a lot. I learned the motto "cake is tastier than sex" and I was like "wow". I was still freaking out when I was fifteen years old, I started to date my first girlfriend. Before that, I had been in a bad relationship with a man. Nothing sexual happened, I just freaked out even more when they said "are you f*****g kidding me?" and "no sex!?". I was starting to think it was the end of life for me. I had tried to kill myself 3 times cos' of my relationships. I blamed it all on my uncle dying. (Only the first time it was about him) Then I met another asexual who wasn't a part of AVEN when I was 16. He maxed out my attraction, still no desire... My attraction was still weak, I didn't know what to do about it. My ex-girlfriend got jealous that I met someone I liked more seriously than her. With her being a Leo on the astrological sign it was only explainable what she was about to do... She poured oil on her body and stripped for me... I felt nothing. I told her to go wash up before my parents got home. She kept doing those things til eventually I was repulsed so much that I vomited. I am only a couple of months older than her. I respect her so much for how much she has come since then. Then she finds out my boyfriend is asexual. She tried to get his, what didn't she try to get from him? Then I turn seventeen years old, within the last three months or so, I figured out I am an androgyny genderqueer. My ex is the first one to accept me for it. I get nervous about telling my boyfriend, when I couldn't tell him, she did. Now everyone knows I am an gray-panromantic demisexual. (In other words, an asexual) my boyfriend and I were bf, bf for a year and we broke up because he is a "homoromantic asexual" My sex is male, so does someone want to explain his logic to me??? And to this day I don't regret a thing. I am currently looking for someone who is either accepting, genderqueer, or transgender. Finding another asexual would be a plus. :D

Now, hearing about any sexual orientation is okay with me. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, why wouldn't I accept it? It is really a relief to hear about asexuality because not a lot of people are asexual, and for that matter... aware.

Sorry for such a long reply, but I thought I would go back to my roots at least to the beginning of my sexuality.

PS, I had read about asexuality for years because my mom was the one who taught me about sexual orientations. She told me casually and calmly that I am asexual. I read our history, so on and so forth... and fell in love with the history in the end. Then I found AVEN, and... well... the rest is on this site.

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When I found out about asexuality, and especially AVEN, I was so relieved. I'm so used to being a freak at school and I didn't want to be another freak because I didn't want to have sex. AVEN has been such a wonderful place for me.

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ItAllMakesSense

PS, I had read about asexuality for years because my mom was the one who taught me about sexual orientations. She told me casually and calmly that I am asexual. I read our history, so on and so forth... and fell in love with the history in the end. Then I found AVEN, and... well... the rest is on this site.

You are SSOOOOOOOO lucky your mom told you this! and calmly in that matter too! It must be nice having your family behind you. Welcome to the site :D

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Mackensie Morgan Goff

PS, I had read about asexuality for years because my mom was the one who taught me about sexual orientations. She told me casually and calmly that I am asexual. I read our history, so on and so forth... and fell in love with the history in the end. Then I found AVEN, and... well... the rest is on this site.

You are SSOOOOOOOO lucky your mom told you this! and calmly in that matter too! It must be nice having your family behind you. Welcome to the site :D

Thank you ItAllMakesSense. But, coming out of the closet was the hardest thing since coming out as gay in the 90s was pretty hard for my mother.

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FaerieFate

I'll be completely honest. I hated it, and it still bothers me. I deal with way too many ignorant close-minded people that think I can't stop thinking about sex, and it would be kind of nice to have some input when they're talking about it. Instead, I feel like the odd person out.

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