I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[schweig0]

Well yeah things are so much easier and safer when sex isnt involved. You can love people and not want anymore physical. I love my mom but that's all, i would not have any deeper relationship, just like with others.

[asdfghjkll]

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[BrokenXXfaitH42]

Where do I even begin. I have just come to the realization that I am asexual on top of that a few months before I had come to the realization that I am also a introvert. For having a highschool diploma and two associates degrees none of that could have prepared me to find out these two things that make me, me and complete me as well. Yes I am attracted to men so I never thought nothing, I understood where my friends were coming from but when I started realizing I never wanted a boyfriend because sex just did not appeal to me I didnt know what was wrong or if ne thing was, and I wanted to sit down and talk with one of my friends but how would they take how would they understand when me myself I didnt. While I was in college I had a friend that was asexual but I really didnt understand it or bother looking it up she was my friend and thats all that mattered to me, but when my sister kept pushing me still being a virgin for 26 yrs I started wondering again was something wrong with me, ive sated a few guys here and there but when sex would come up I wanted to run away and I hide under my covers away from the world, then a few moths ago I had sex with my boyfriend then and to me ive alays thought sex would be this amazing thing seeing fireworks and all that jazz, haha. But it was quite the opposite no fireworks no jazz and just me and my thoughts. I had sex one more time with my boyfriend but the same thing, boy did I thi k somethi g was wrong with me after hearing all my friends talk about how wonderful sex was I couldn't understand why I just didnt feel the same, I finally talked to my sister about my feeling and how I was just not that into sex at all that I could care less about it. And she looked at me very very weird and told her that she just doesnt understand that mayb something is wrong with me but boy was I off. When my sister was on netflix she saw a documentary on asexual and watched it she then called me and told me about it I thought no I couldn't be asexual but then I started to remeber that befor I found out what introvert was I thought something was wrong with me so I started to do my research and the relief that washed over me to find out that there are others like me out there that I wasent crazy or that something was wrong with me was such a relief and finding this site is even more of a relief cuz now I understand who I am and I know there is nothing wrong with me. Today my mom, sister, and three of my closest friends know, but sometimes I still think they just dont understand, and trying to find a man that understands is just even harder but im glad to know that there is nothing wrong with and I know that someone is out there for me and I will find them someday! So theres my story its only been about 5 months since ive known so im such a newbie but it feels like ive known all my life is that weird? I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders and I am free to say this here this is me and im proud!!

Thanks for reading my epiphany, BrokenXXfaitH42

[Nevyn]

*Snip*

Thanks for reading my epiphany, BrokenXXfaitH42

Welcome to AVEN!

[gjm]

I've dated, I got married and I had children. I had sex my entire life and enjoyed it... but I never "got" what was the big deal. I guess I was doing what I was supposed to do... then I realize how big a deal it is for others, I mean, big deal! the success of a relationship is measured by quantity and quality of intercourse! and I don't want any... I guess I got tired of "doing what I was supposed to do".

I feel both confused and relieved... I am asexual, but why? is there a reason? could it be psychological, hormonal or physical? Not that I want to change it, I'm okay with it, for me is normal, but I would like to understand so I can help my partner understand as well. I'm tired of hearing things like... you don't love me because you won't have sex with me... are you seeing someone else? are you gay? why won't you have sex?

It is difficult, so difficult... I've tried talking about it with other people, but nobody gets it... not even doctors want to talk about it! And sex means so much in and for society it overwhelms me sometimes because for me it doesn't... and now I feel so sorry I even brought it up in front of a few friends. People are even trying to "seduce me", as if it was a challenge to "fix me", I'm told I can not be asexual because I am desirable... so the relieve of finding out I'm not alone, is at the same time a huge challenge because the "coming out of the closet as an asexual person" has turned me into a "weirdo" according to people. I have no idea how to face it...

[Lady Girl]

I'm told I can not be asexual because I am desirable... so the relieve of finding out I'm not alone, is at the same time a huge challenge because the "coming out of the closet as an asexual person" has turned me into a "weirdo" according to people. I have no idea how to face it...

Hi and welcome to AVEN! Maybe show them this website, or only tell the people that need to know...my husband chooses to tell no one and he seems fine with that. Give yourself some time to get used to it, and know that not all people will think you're weird, they may just need to think about it. Eventually they'll see you're still you. :)

[gjm]

Thanks! you have no idea how I wish I found this site and the term "asexual" before I opened my mouth about how I feel and express my doubts! It would have made it so much easier to explain or at least choose when to keep it to myself. My husband is already reading about it, but I think he is still in denial, hahaha. But he is supportive, I'm so glad to learn about AVEN... Thanks again, my best regards.

[andi&sketch]

Guess I'll add my two cents.

I grew up in a very strict Catholic family. Not just Catholic, but Latin Rite Roman Catholic, go to church every Sunday, catechism class every week, home school so the public schools won't corrupt the kids, pants are ok but if they're tight you're going to hell kind of family. I didn't even hear the word 'sex' until I was ten or eleven years old, around the time mom finally let me use the internet and I quickly discovered what porn was. Once I found out about sex, I was repulsed, but I thought it was because I was still young. Since Catholic families don't really approve of dating until their kids are ready to move out and get married, I knew I had a long time to wait until I had to think about having sex. But when I started going to public school as a freshman, I realized that no one else was waiting. Everyone else was hooking up and having sex and getting pregnant, and I just kind of drifted along through high school until my junior year, waiting for my sex drive to kick in. Every couple months I would start thinking about sex, wondering why everyone else thought it was so amazing, even watching porn (very, very secretly). I thought that because I sometimes became curious, and because I still really did want to meet a nice guy and maybe have some kids, that not all hope was lost. Maybe some day I too would become a sexual person and join the rest of the normal human population. Even my gay friends, the ones who were different, the people I felt closest to, were sex crazy, and it just made me really uncomfortable. I guess I realized I was asexual when I thought about the porn industry, as ironic as that is. There's magazines, books, movies, thousands of websites, and millions, probably trillions of fanfics devoted entirely to sex. There's toys and groups and clubs and advice columns and EVERYONE seems to be into it. People kill because of sex, or marry because of it, or break up because of it. I could never understand why people would have sex before getting married, because as a Catholic child, I was raised to believe that it was something precious. Then I realized that people would choose who they wanted to marry, who they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with, based on whether someone was 'good' or not. And I knew I could never do that, because I didn't care enough, and I didn't want it enough. Actually, I didn't want it at all.

And that's when I googled no sexual attraction, and everything kinda dominoed from there.

[IchBinVelociraptor]

Hi! I'm obviously new... :unsure:Uh I like this site.... my story is really long so I'll just stick with the basics.Before I found this site, I thought I was just odd/immature. I didn't want sex, nor did I really find people "Hot"...

I looked up Asexuality and read about it here. It made so much sense. I realized that it wasn't me being odd at all, there are other people like me too! So... yeah...

[LittleTree481]

For me, it was really an 'AH HA!' moment. As if a light bulb had gone off in my head and I was like, "Now it makes sense! I finally make sense to myself!" (If that makes any sense at all) I wasn't depressed or anything by it because, it wasn't as if I was giving up something I wanted desperately to have or keep, it was totally more of a "WOOHOO" moment. :)

[trekkiecat]

I think I had the inverse epiphany. I discovered that everyone else was sexual. I have a personality that can ignore anything that doesn't directly relate or affect me, so I think I ignored the whole sex thing. When I finally understood how much sex affected other people's lives, I had a big "OOOOOOoooohhhhhhhhhh" moment, and I was flooded with memories of situations that didn't make sense at the time. They finally made sense when put into context of my being asexual, and the rest of the world being sexual.

I think I was excited because things I didn't understand finally made sense. I'm able to use these new pieces of data to interact better with people around me.

Definitely this. Now I'm trying to figure out how to tell those who are close to me...

[BrokenXXfaitH42]

It is amazing to me that as I read others stories how similar some aspects are in our stories of finding out or knowing that exact ahh-haa moment of how asexual makes sense to us and how we finally feel a sense of relief that there are others out there and that we are not weird or crazy but that we can finally understand our selves!!

[LittleTree481]

It is amazing to me that as I read others stories how similar some aspects are in our stories of finding out or knowing that exact ahh-haa moment of how asexual makes sense to us and how we finally feel a sense of relief that there are others out there and that we are not weird or crazy but that we can finally understand our selves!!

I completely agree. It's lovely, it's completely freeing and life is so much better and makes so much more sense when you finally get it. :)

[Rhino]

I always wondered whether everyone else was exaggerating or it was just me. I still think there's a lot of exaggeration going on but I guess I just don't get it, and that's fine too.

[Zoulong]

I had always known I was stranger than my friends, they were all obsessed with talking about sex and Cheryl Cole, and I was never interested in any of that. I had considered I was gay, but the thought of having sex with a man was quite unnerving for me; and anyway I'd always fancied girls. I could get horny, but it was usually that annoying teenage thing or a fantasy in bed, so I thought I was 100% straight however I never thought about sleeping with a girl. I''d thought about kissing and hugging but that was it, it was with my first girlfriend that I discovered I didn't get-of with psuedosexual activities or anything further. I thought there might be something different about me and that I was the only one in the world who was like this; not interested in sex but wanting a relationship. It was while I was in my ICT class that I was goggleing homosexuality (I think that's what it was) when I discovered asexuality and found that it exactly described my. I ignored it for quite a while, nearly forgetting it, but eventually I found that my sexuality was something I couldn't ignore; so here I am.

[Captain Darkhorse]

I had always known there was something different about me, especially in regards to anything sexual. My real "ah-ha" moment though came when I was meeting a friend and he asked for a kiss goodbye, and so I let him give me one. I had seen enough movies to know that kissing was supposed to feel incredible and produce a rush from somewhere, but all I felt was disgusted and utterly revolted. Having been through an intense trauma in high school (I'm 23 now), I thought maybe my feelings of disgust were from something still lingering about it. I went to the university counseling center, and it only took a few sessions to figure out that, no, being revolted had nothing to do with any prior incident. I simply wasn't interested in sex or anything relating to sex.

I kind of had always known that. I knew I really couldn't comprehend any sort of physical attraction, even though in college and high school people are hooking up right and left. Even from junior high, when everyone is supposed to have their hormones start to kick into overdrive, I knew I wasn't interested in how cute that guy looked. I had crushes, but I was only intrigued by the person because they were enlightening to talk to. I was happy and have always been happy being single - that was just as much of a fact to me as cake is delicious.

When I first heard the term "asexual", I didn't really know what it meant and I thought asexuals were like ameobas - they just didn't care. But when I finally figured out what it meant years later (thank you Google, which led me to AVEN), there was a giant wave of relief that washed over me. Finally there was a term that described how I had been feeling my entire life. I finally didn't feel so lost anymore.

[dbk]

I have always thought of myself as broken, disconnected, and defined as a lesbian, although I don't like sex with women either.... I always thought of myself as broken

I went to a diversity summit today. I heard the term asexual bandied about a lot before, I've even said I am asexual because I am. What drove me to look about was a mention, a very brief nod to the asexual in a LGBTQ.... discussion. I realized that with all this talk about inequality, equality, discrimination and privilege that I didn't fit with the others in the room. I don't fit in a lesbian discussion, I don't fit in a homosexual discussion. I am not sexual and this is something that I think is fine, but society wishes to cure me of, and that is not right, fair or just.

I guess I started looking for a place with likeminded people perhaps, and perhaps that place is here. I do not yet know. Although I've cried a lot in the last hour, because on the surface I may have found a place that I am not going to be told I can be cured, or that I need to change me.

SO thank you whoever reads this for giving me a place to cry, and between tears post this which is both scary and a relief.

[Kannaranna]

I’ve been browsing this site for about a week and at the same time thinking about what I would say. Everything I thought about saying
has already been said by somebody else and for me this was the great revelation. I’d always thought that there must be other people who weren’t interested in sex but I’d never thought beyond that. It’s a relief to know not only that other people are asexual but also that they’ve had some of the same experiences as me.

I’m 41 and I’ve been through thinking I just hadn’t met the right person, thinking I might be a lesbian, thinking there was something wrong with me, thinking I was missing out and finally accepting that I could be happy being single and that I didn’t ever need to have sex. If this site had been around 25 years ago I might have got there a bit sooner.

[TheDarkAce]

I always knew something was different with me than the so called norm of wanting it. I heard about asexuality and looked it up like I do with just about everything I hear about. I read up on it and realized it applied to myself. I never got the big deal about sex. People say I'll probably want it when I'm older but then again I haven't change like people said it would. I'm used to being the odd one out but I'm glad there is a place where I can talk about this stuff and not be judged as some kind of freak for being this way.

[LittleTree481]

I have always thought of myself as broken, disconnected, and defined as a lesbian, although I don't like sex with women either.... I always thought of myself as broken

I went to a diversity summit today. I heard the term asexual bandied about a lot before, I've even said I am asexual because I am. What drove me to look about was a mention, a very brief nod to the asexual in a LGBTQ.... discussion. I realized that with all this talk about inequality, equality, discrimination and privilege that I didn't fit with the others in the room. I don't fit in a lesbian discussion, I don't fit in a homosexual discussion. I am not sexual and this is something that I think is fine, but society wishes to cure me of, and that is not right, fair or just.

I guess I started looking for a place with likeminded people perhaps, and perhaps that place is here. I do not yet know. Although I've cried a lot in the last hour, because on the surface I may have found a place that I am not going to be told I can be cured, or that I need to change me.

SO thank you whoever reads this for giving me a place to cry, and between tears post this which is both scary and a relief.

Welcome!! I'm glad you've found your way here. I identify as an asexual lesbian, because I don't like sex with women so, I suppose we are likeminded. :) I am going to tell you that you don't need to be cured, you're not broken, you're not alone, and that you're awesome the way you are.

It is scary, but I found it to be a bigger relief to know that I'm around people who have the ability to understand.

*Hugs for your tears and crying* If you need someone to chat with, I'm here. I'll do my best. :)

[dbk]

Welcome!! I'm glad you've found your way here. I identify as an asexual lesbian, because I don't like sex with women so, I suppose we are likeminded. :) I am going to tell you that you don't need to be cured, you're not broken, you're not alone, and that you're awesome the way you are.

It is scary, but I found it to be a bigger relief to know that I'm around people who have the ability to understand.

*Hugs for your tears and crying* If you need someone to chat with, I'm here. I'll do my best. :)

Thank you hon -hugs back- I am just real glad to have found this forum! Now I have a place where not every conversation turns to someone's "love" life. :)

[LittleTree481]

Welcome!! I'm glad you've found your way here. I identify as an asexual lesbian, because I don't like sex with women so, I suppose we are likeminded. :) I am going to tell you that you don't need to be cured, you're not broken, you're not alone, and that you're awesome the way you are.

It is scary, but I found it to be a bigger relief to know that I'm around people who have the ability to understand.

*Hugs for your tears and crying* If you need someone to chat with, I'm here. I'll do my best. :)

Thank you hon -hugs back- I am just real glad to have found this forum! Now I have a place where not every conversation turns to someone's "love" life. :)

I agree! :) It's pretty much awesome.

[Little-twig]

When I first heard of the term I had just gotten done taking a online test that was about sexuality on a whime because my new college friends took it as well. But while the other's shared their's I pretended that I didn't do the test and ended up getting the same answers again. Aromatic Asexual. I brushed the test off and went back to doing my own thing though after a while I started to notice that dispite the fact that I had a boyfriend at the time I didn't want to put out more or less do things that most couples did. Hand holding was odd but not as uncomfortable as saying 'I love you' more or less kissing while going the whole way was simply out of the question. All I wanted was to hang around them, no kissing, no touching, no need to talk about the future.

Being without anyone for the past two years, I've started to think about why I'm not intrested in looking for someone when more than half of my friends have their own relationships and families. Coming across asexual information and other things I started to look into things and while I was unsure of it, it was a relief to finally understand what in the world was going on.

[CrystalClarity]

I am glad I googled asexuality. I had no idea this site existed. I have been upset the past few days because recently a close friend of mine lost his viriginity and everyone is super psyched and happy about it. I was under the impression that this friend was in the same boat as me and I feel abandoned to some extent. I hope I get the opportunity to talk to people who might understand why I don't want a sexual relationship and why I just don't understand the desire and pressure for/ to have sex.

I have always felt that I never wanted a sexual relationship, even since I was little, and have labled myself a sort of asexual. I want more of a partner and close friend, which no one in my family or friend group seems to understand. They all think it's really because of my germaphobia or because I am too childish to handle it (I'm 22). I am sick of people pressuring me to jump on the sexual relationship boat. I am so glad this site exists, truly. I never knew AVEN was here all along.

[Storm Dancing]

I’ve been browsing this site for about a week and at the same time thinking about what I would say. Everything I thought about saying

has already been said by somebody else and for me this was the great revelation. I’d always thought that there must be other people who weren’t interested in sex but I’d never thought beyond that. It’s a relief to know not only that other people are asexual but also that they’ve had some of the same experiences as me.

I’m 41 and I’ve been through thinking I just hadn’t met the right person, thinking I might be a lesbian, thinking there was something wrong with me, thinking I was missing out and finally accepting that I could be happy being single and that I didn’t ever need to have sex. If this site had been around 25 years ago I might have got there a bit sooner.

Welcome to AVEN, Kannaranna.:) I wish this site had been around about 25 years ago as well. I was always so busy trying to push myself into the "sexual mold", I never stopped to wonder if maybe it was okay to simply not want to have sex or to not like it all that much. Now when I look back, I wonder if some of the people I associated with were like me.....just pretending to like sex for the sake of feeling normal.

[Oddish]

I always figured I was different, considering that as a teenager going through puberty and that such.. that I never felt any sexual desire. I never understood why people made such a huge fuss over sex and sexual relationships, or having sex showcased. Hell, you can't even read a magazine without hearing about sex tips.. or about having a healthy sex life. Looks like I'm going to be unhealthy in that aspect, and I'm okay with that.

I never masturbated, only once or twice just to 'try'... didn't do anything for me. I've never watched porn in my life besides a few incidents where I was sent porn by some jerk friends, and the occasional explicit gif on tumblr. It just did nothing for me. At all. It honestly bewilders me that people can become so addicted to the stuff. Like a smoker who can't let go of cigarettes...

I only recently learned the term 'asexual' not too long ago on tumblr, no less. I related completely to the definition and everything. And one of my friends is a fellow asexual, so we sometimes discuss our views and feelings on the subject. With learning more, and speaking with her more, I've fully come to realize that yeah, I am asexual. Or grey-a. Or something under that asexy umbrella.

[Derp-D-Derp]

Hi, from Maine. New member here. I'm 54, mother of 3. Married 9 years to male; Was in a 12+ year (sexless 11+ years) with female.

I've come back and forth to the site several times over the years, but I've come to realize that this is where I need to place myself. When speaking, I consider myself "asexual."

I have always been attracted to effeminate men. I am a magnet for 20 year-old gay boys. My older gay (male) friends like to hang with ME because I "get" all the cute guys. I am also attracted to other men .... as long as they are wearing "some" clothes ... like jeans. The only thing I notice when becoming attracted is: eyes, shoulders, sense of humor -- not in that order.

I am attracted to butch or more masculine womyn. Same thing. Eyes, shoulders, sense of humor. Not physically attracted to female body without clothes; at all. However, as long as everyone is dressed, I'm fine.

I enjoy kissing, necking, petting, etc., as long as I am on the "receiving" end. I lose COMPLETE INTEREST as soon as it is inevitable that "the act" will be the next step.

I've been with more boys (very few over 20) that I could count (last one was 20 when I was 38); been with a few womyn. Have experienced orgasm with both -- wasn't impressed.

I'm not interested in sex at all .... I don't miss it, I don't want it; I miss *physical contact* like hand holding, hugging, kissing, snuggling, etc. I want companionship w/out sexual involvement. I feel that once people become lovers, it is just a matter of time before they are no longer friends.

I want someone to watch tv with, to go to the antique stores and flea markets, to eat out with, to talk to while I'm doing crossword puzzles, to smoke 420 with.

Not into pornography, no phone sex, just completely uninterested; have a hard time relating to friends who "crave" sexual contact. I just don't get it. Never have.

Anyway, enough rambling. Would welcome any and all friends .... I don't know about the other "labels." I look female, but dress in jeans and tees, usually. Have worn a skirt once in 20 years (son's wedding two years ago). Lots of male friends (mostly in the "bad boy" type of genre); people think I follow rules, but I don't ... some of my best friends are drag queens.

Thanks for being here.

[fuzzipueo]

It's great to find a place where I can discuss this with others.

When I was 13, we had a physical health class (it's been long enough I can't remember exactly what the class entailed beyond learning CPR [which I failed - sigh]). At one point the teachers separated the boys from the girls so they could talk about specifics of sexuality. I remember very clearly from this class a]to listening with horrified fascination to the frank discussion about stuff I really didn't want to know and b] being repulsed by the idea of ever letting anyone, especially a guy, near me in that way - if you catch my drift.

When I was 15, a guy I'd become friends with in one of my classes somehow had a major crush on me and told me flat out that he wanted to get married after high school. <shudder> I didn't have the words to explain that the last thing on my mind was getting together with him beyond what I saw at the time was a platonic friendship. When we moved a few weeks later, I was actually relieved to leave him behind and not have to deal with uncomfortable things with which I wasn't ready to deal. After that incident, I pretty much didn't spend much time around guys ...

So fast forward through the rest of the supposedly hormonal teen/young adult years and into my early 30s. Sex was never even on the radar. Upto that point in time, I had never dated, so out of curiosity I accepted an invite with a guy. We went out three or four times, and it was fine. When you get two socially awkward people together, you can get some really mixed results, but things were fine up until the last date when he suddenly asked out of the blue if he could hold my hand. We were about half way through the movie we were watching at the time (to give you an idea of the time period- the movie was Three Kings - so circa 1999) and I wasn't expecting this development. Afterward, I explained that I did not like to be touched and that I didn't know him well enough to trust him with such an intimate gesture and that it probably would be a year before I knew him well enough for such a thing. >Over reaction? Perhaps.<

It probably puzzled this poor guy a lot since we both belonged to a couple of science fiction clubs and had for a number of years at that point. But there's a difference between belonging to the same clubs and actually interacting on a social level, which neither of us had before. Later that same year, he married his present wife and they have a year+ old daughter now.

Fast forward another not quite ten years and I start, finally, reading romance (both het & gay) out of, again, curiosity. My responses to the sex in those books is what finally drove me to start wondering just what in the world was going on. I mean yeah, I could feel some response to "hot" scenes, but most of the time, I get far more out of the interaction between the characters outside of the bedroom (or whereever they are) than I do when they're going at it big time. A new friend I was talking with about some of my reactions suggested that I might in fact be asexual - if so, she'd "heard of them, but had never met one." I admitted to being curious about the experience but not really interested in actually wanting to have sex.

Before that rather insightful conversation I tried to explain away my lack of interest, at least to myself. I've never felt any pressure from family or friends to go out and get a partner. Most of the time I prefer to spend alone doing what I do best: reading. And being far more comfortable with gay guys because they don't expect you to react to whatever signals they might be throwing out.

And, of course, I tried to explain, at least to myself, that I'd never met a person who I actually wanted to spend tha kind of time with.

Now, here I am, and happy to meet others who've had similar reactions and pondering great questions like: What is so great about sex? Why are people so obsessed with it? And what's up with all the cake? ^_^

[Lady Girl]

Lol, the cake! Cake is better than sex. (I'm a sexual person, so no). :lol:

[fuzzipueo]

Lol, the cake! Cake is better than sex. (I'm a sexual person, so no). :lol:

I'm on board with that as long as it's chocolate or chocolate raspberry ... :D