I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[will123]

@breezycalm Welcome to AVEN! Your's is a great first post. I can relate to a lot of your thoughts.

[Guest]

I keep trying to have sex. I go on dates and hook-ups and I have relationships but when it comes to sex I don't feel anything, and honestly, I'd rather not do it. I keep going along with sexual activities because I feel like I should. But I find it tolerable, at best. Everyone tells me I'll find the right person, the right position, whatever.

I think the media, shows like How I Met your Mother, Friends, New Girl, have given me the idea that as a 20-something I should be having a lot of sex!! But I just don't "get" the hype. It's not fun, and it doesn't give me pleasure.

I hope that finding the term asexual and joining this community will give me the courage to say no to sexual experiences and to come to terms with the fact that I'm not a sexual person and there's nothing wrong with me.

Thanks for being here

 

[Inselaffe]

My husband suggested the term to me and explained what it meant to be romantic asexual. I think my reaction was, and still is, amazement that I got to the age of 43 years old and not figure this out considering what else I managed to figure out about myself.

 

I think it was a problem of not seeing the wood for the trees. Also not realising that there was even a term for it didn't help. I have been able to get aroused in the past, many years ago during my troubled teenage years. But these were never fantasies about sex with people but about being submissive. I did experiment a lot with BDSM during my 20's but found that it kind of hurt. Although it was fun to walk around a club looking stunning with a couple of pairs of floggers and use them on the submissive men wanting me to hit them, but that was more an ego / exhibitionist thing and my attitude was always that I was doing something for them not to them. Ultimately though I didn't find it that personally satisfying.

 

[daveb]

18 minutes ago, Inselaffe said:

not seeing the wood for the trees

no comment

 

18 minutes ago, Inselaffe said:

Also not realising that there was even a term for it didn't help.

Yeah, finding out there is a word for it really helped me.

 

Welcome to the forum! Here's some  for you.

[acethetically_amaceing]

On 8/21/2018 at 7:21 PM, Athena32 said:

You should come to the Teen Corner! We're in the Asexual Musings and Rantings forum, and the other teens there are wonderful and so helpful.

 

 I know that I've been through similar bouts of self doubt, but I've eventually come to the conclusion that I should trust myself and if anything changes (which I don't think it will), it'll be okay. I found this link to be really helpful in that questioning, especially the "Maybe I’m Not Really Asexual Because I Have No Idea What Sexual Attraction Is So How Do I Know If I’m Feeling It Or Not" section-- that was me in a nutshell a few months ago. Here's the link: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/category/an-exploration-of-doubts/ 

Hi, thank you so much for the link, I've checked it out and found that I've experienced literally none of those things described as sexual attraction. It's really helpful, I'll continue reading! Thanks, I'll pay a visit to the Teen Corner x

[Hodo]

Hi. I feel relief to discover I’m not broken, that there are other people like me. 

I remember talking to someone about wanting a relationship but not wanting sex, their reply was clear that sex is part of the deal. I felt resigned and very sad that I would be lonely for the rest of my life. 

I want a relationship, to feel connection with others. 

I have lots of friends and I have a family I love very much. I’m guess my sadness is I don’t have anyone to share my life with. 

 

I have spent a lifetime avoiding intimate relationships. In the past I have told people I was a lesbian, some folk still think that, but it’s not something I talk about. 

 

I am a tactile person, I love to hug, cuddle up but I have no desire for sex. 

I think others think I’m broken, why would they not, I always have. 

I have found people attractive, I actually had the courage to tell someone this a few months ago, then was petrified they would feel the same because I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it any further. Relationships = sex, therefore I told myself I had to stay clear. 

 

Anyway, I’ll be 51 yrs old really soon and I finally feel there is hope that I might find someone to share my life with in a more emotionally intimate way than friendship. 

 

[Samantha Brooks]

I didn't have any one moment of realization. I heard of it multiple times throughout the last few years I've been questioning, and I've never really considered it. Recently though, I've been feeling particularly broken, so I've been looking into asexuality (and aromanticism, because, oh yeah that's me) and realizing I really really identify with it. It wasn't really a relief for me though, if I'm honest. I still feel sad because I never thought that that would be me, I always assumed I'd start dating once I was older and end up married with kids, or I assumed I wasn't interested in dating because my dad drilled it into me when I was younger that I was too young... But I can't blame that anymore, because I'm older now (though still young) and it hasn't changed, nor does it feel like it will. I just feel a little lost because I know what this means for my relationships in the future, and I know they won't look like I always thought they would. I feel sad that I'm missing something so human, but it's comforting to see that there are many people out there like me. It had brought a lot of my questions about myself into perspective, at least. 

[whitetulips]

 

I actually came across asexuality by chance. Before that, I was always noticing some differences in myself when it came to sexuality. I just felt so mad that other people don't think and feel the way I do. It made me feel lost, desperate and angry. So, finding out that I was ace was kind of like seeing the rescue boat when you are lost in the middle of the ocean. 

[whitetulips]

On 8/25/2018 at 7:02 PM, Samantha Brooks said:

I feel sad that I'm missing something so human, but it's comforting to see that there are many people out there like me.

I actually feel really glad that I'm ace and lithro. I feel like I'm staying away from a situation that requires a lot of responsibility and can cause troubles to both sides. It is really weird that some the aces feel glad about their orientation when some aces feel upset about it. Not that it indicates something, but I've been seeing this a lot and I find it interesting.

[DemiGeekGoddess]

When I first heard about asexuality. Immediately, I felt like I had a found community. For many years, I’d felt like I was lost. Once, I’d joined this community, I found friends and a support group. I also found professional support and encouragement.

[ShastaCat]

I remember at the age of 12 hearing about birth control pills. I was confused. I asked my mother, "If you don't want a baby, can you not have sex?" She told me that sex was part of marriage. I was interested in marrying and having babies. At the age of 26 I got married and tried to get pregnant. I used the rhythm method. I read books on how to tell when you were fertile, hoping this would help me conceive. I never had a baby. I believe my husband was gay because he never wanted to make love. When it was evident that I wasn't going to get pregnant I just quit having sex. He didn't care. I remember talking with some people about not getting pregnant. They told me "enjoy each other." Well what was I to enjoy. I even asked "Why have sex if you can't have a baby?" I wondered what was wrong with me. I had heard the term "asexual" in science class-cells that multiply by dividing. I had never heard in referring to a sexual orientation. Then one day I heard the term that  so-n-so is probably asexual. I was about 29 then and that is when I realized I was asexual. am divorced now. I've been told I might be demi-sexual. I am hetero-romantic asexual. What I don't like is being asked, "How do you know if you've never tried it?" Well I'm not a virgin. I tried to have a baby once. Now I did not join in the gay pride parade. I did not dye my hair to be rainbow colors. I'm not "coming out of the closet." If I find someone to marry I will have to explain to him my orientation. I do not define myself as a sexual orientation. I am more than that.

Edited September 13, 2018 by ShastaCat
grammar

[melisestel]

On 8/22/2018 at 10:09 PM, breezycalm said:

 

I’ve been wondering if my asexual tendency is because of my social anxiety or if my social anxiety is just me putting too much pressure on myself that any time someone wants to get close I get nervous.

I had this exact same worry. It's why I pushed and pushed myself into getting into and staying in my first romantic & sexual relationship - which was at the age of 28!

 

I told myself that I couldn't let my social anxiety stop me from pursuing what society/culture told me I needed in order to be happy: THE ONE.

 

After the relationship ended, I acutally felt relieved and had no desire to start again. I struggled with that feeling.

 

Once I discovered the term asexual and the community, and read everyone's stories, I came to a significant realization that I used to explain how I feel to my friends and family who questioned me:

 

Yes, dating and growing intimate with someone makes me very very nervous. Yes, this happens to a lot of people and it shouldn't hold them back from the things they want to do - rather they should overcome the anxiety.

 

BUT, I do not experience the sexual or romantic attraction that propels people to overcome the shyness/anxiety/etc. I don't feel anything to combat the nerves. The nerves are all I feel.

 

I am very happy single. And I am not letting my social anxiety hold me back from having awesome platonic relationships. So I'm good here. 😁

[LKK]

When I first discovered asexuality, it seemed to make sense because I never wanted to have sex. It was nice to feel like I no longer had to put pressure on myself to have sex because it was the "normal" thing to do. But then I quickly doubted myself and thought that maybe I was relying on asexuality to avoid the fact that I might be bi or gay. It took a lot of back and forth and a lot of "Do I really feel this way?" Eventually I just got tired and said, this is how I feel and I can't change how I feel. It's nice to see that there are so many different variations of asexuality. 

[will123]

1 hour ago, LKK said:

When I first discovered asexuality, it seemed to make sense because I never wanted to have sex. It was nice to feel like I no longer had to put pressure on myself to have sex because it was the "normal" thing to do.

I never put any pressure on myself to be sexual. It was more like I never put any EFFORT to be sexual. I never tried to meet women (or guys) and at times it puzzled (but never distressed) me why I didn't have any interest in sex.

[œddy]

On 9/16/2018 at 4:16 PM, will123 said:

I never put any pressure on myself to be sexual. It was more like I never put any EFFORT to be sexual. I never tried to meet women (or guys) and at times it puzzled (but never distressed) me why I didn't have any interest in sex.

Yup, but a lifetime of indifference doesn't stop you from feeling odd compared to your peers or the rest of society!

I just spent it wondering why everyone was doing all these silly partnership things. I don't need another half, I'm already a whole thanks.

[The Anchorage]

On ‎9‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 5:06 PM, œddy said:

I don't need another half, I'm already a whole thanks.

To be honest, I'm pretty envious right now. I don't question myself that often, but when I do, I question EYERTHING.

You seem so sure of yourself  -  can I have a slice of your confidence?

This moment I wonder when I will finally meet someone I feel comfortable with even though that's unlikely. I know (like in my head) that I'm enough, I don't need someone to be complete or better or whatever, but it's so hard to keep that in mind when society tells you the opposite every damn day. I'm tired of it and sometimes just want to succumb to the norm and say "Fuck it, just be like everyone else."

 

Geez, I'm such a baby right now. Sorry for the whining but I needed that. I often think you guys out there are the only one knowing (and understanding) what's going on in that head of mine.

[œddy]

1 hour ago, The Anchorage said:

can I have a slice of your confidence?

 

This moment I wonder when I will finally meet someone I feel comfortable with even though that's unlikely. I know (like in my head) that I'm enough, I don't need someone to be complete or better or whatever, but it's so hard to keep that in mind when society tells you the opposite every damn day. I'm tired of it and sometimes just want to succumb to the norm and say "Fuck it, just be like everyone else."

cheers! 

 

Just because so many others are doing something doesn't mean its right for you, its why I've found so much solace in these forums. I finally managed to get rid of the nagging care that I'm viewed as 'less of a man', whether choice or orientation has led me to where I am and how I feel. I spent so many years trying to fulfil something purely because of the status quo, both in sex and partnership until I was able to accept that I never actually wanted it in the first place.

 

One of the ultimate questions I asked myself is, "you have a happy life now, how much happier could you be?" There is so much out there to appreciate, drive you and give you goals in life and there are so many people who you can have close and rewarding friendships with and confide in when times are tough. For me, being single forces you to learn how to do everything and live a full life, instead of needing someone like a partner to rely on.

 

Noone's life especially my own is all roses, I think my positive attitude comes from positive perception and in giving myself something to always strive for. I hope you can find the same in whatever you choose.

[The Anchorage]

On ‎9‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 7:42 PM, œddy said:

There is so much out there to appreciate, drive you and give you goals in life and there are so many people who you can have close and rewarding friendships with and confide in when times are tough

Hey there! Thanks for your answer - I'm in a better headspace right now, so I can finally comment.

You are right. Of course you are. I guess I just need to make the experience of having a (successful or unsuccessful) relationship (or multiple relationships) to "proof" it to myself. You said you tried it and it didn't work for you. I haven't been to that Point yet. I don't know whether it could work or not. And right now nothing would be more devastating than not knowing whether it could have worked. I don't want to be a coward who doesn't try things out. If it feels good - fine. If it feels awkward or downright awful - also good. But in the end I tried it.

 

And of course - one can still enjoy life with all it's positive (and negative) aspects, regardless of their relationship status ;)

[AlapacaAnarchy]

I’m new, and pretty sure I’m asexual. When I first heard that I might be asexual, it was from my therapist. I had no idea what it meant. I thought that I was broken and going to be alone. I thought that being asexual meant that I would never fall in love; some people don’t fall in love, and that’s fine, but for some reason the idea of not having a romantic partner scared me. I still haven’t fallen in love, but I’m also just a teenager. I now know that being asexual or aromantic doesn’t mean you’re broken or going to be alone all your life, you’ll still have your friends, maybe a romantic partner if that’s what you want in life, and a big asexual community who will love and support you! 💜

[perichAze]

Hi guys! Im new here and im so happy i found this platform. Im in my late 20s realizing that i am asexual in some form. I dont understand the specifics that well but i do know that sex has always sucked for me. The first time i hd sex it was subpar and i was wondering where is this feeling i am suppose to have? Why did it not feel good enough for me to want it? Was something wrong with me (am i broken)? I thought maybe its just the first time and if i kept doing it things will naturally come in time. Nope. Didnt happen. So that was the initial reason i have been lost trying to figure out what was going on. I will say i can get turned on by pornography (any gender) and will masterbate occasionally; and i appeciate oral but actual intercourse is unnecessary for me now that i am older. I make sexual jokes n flirt but after that i am unavailable physically and mentally. I am in a relationship now and for the first time i was able to tell him that i do not like to have sex. It has been a struggle getting him (who likes to have sex often) to understand that its something i can do without. I have made the compromise to do it because he likes to and he respects that its not at the top of the list of things i want to do with him. I am emotionally unattached sexually, kissing becomes annoying after awhile and cuddling is situational; but i have observed over these last couple years that i can live without it all. I thought i was homosexual but i didnt like the idea with women either. I like to be in relationships but i also love to be left alone in a lot of aspects. Just that alone is another bag of frustrations. So finding this opportunity to say to others thank you is important to me. It allows me to not be insecure about my feelings and it has brought clarity having that moment realizing what my orientation is. 

[will123]

40 minutes ago, perichAze said:

Hi guys! Im new here and im so happy i found this platform. Im in my late 20s realizing that i am asexual in some form. I dont understand the specifics that well but i do know that sex has always sucked for me. The first time i hd sex it was subpar and i was wondering where is this feeling i am suppose to have? Why did it not feel good enough for me to want it? Was something wrong with me (am i broken)? I thought maybe its just the first time and if i kept doing it things will naturally come in time. Nope. Didnt happen. So that was the initial reason i have been lost trying to figure out what was going on. I will say i can get turned on by pornography (any gender) and will masterbate occasionally; and i appeciate oral but actual intercourse is unnecessary for me now that i am older. I make sexual jokes n flirt but after that i am unavailable physically and mentally. I am in a relationship now and for the first time i was able to tell him that i do not like to have sex. It has been a struggle getting him (who likes to have sex often) to understand that its something i can do without. I have made the compromise to do it because he likes to and he respects that its not at the top of the list of things i want to do with him. I am emotionally unattached sexually, kissing becomes annoying after awhile and cuddling is situational; but i have observed over these last couple years that i can live without it all. I thought i was homosexual but i didnt like the idea with women either. I like to be in relationships but i also love to be left alone in a lot of aspects. Just that alone is another bag of frustrations. So finding this opportunity to say to others thank you is important to me. It allows me to not be insecure about my feelings and it has brought clarity having that moment realizing what my orientation is. 

Welcome to AVEN! 🎂 I think you'll enjoy being here as it really helped me understand my lack of sexual sesire.

[Stakka]

Hello everyone, I’m new! I’m 34, and have only recently heard about Asexuality. I believe I am asexual, and have spent the last 19 years thinking there was something wrong with me...

After I lost my virginity at 16, I remember talking to my friends about it, and they made me feel like I was strange because I wasn’t bothered about doing it again. I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend. We were together for 7 years all in all. Unfortunately I went through stages where I would really enjoy sex and be sexually active, and then times where I wasn’t interested, couldn’t be bothered, could live without it.

My boyfriend cheated on me, with a very ‘close friend’. Not only did he cheat on me, he told her things about our sex life, or lack of it. I read every message he sent to her. This hurt, and took a long time to get over. And actually it increased my feelings that there must be something wrong with me.

I then met my husband, who is wonderful! I love him so much! We have been together for 10 years, married for 6 years. We have two beautiful children. I have stages where I enjoy sex with him, but times when I am not interested. This has been hard for him to deal with. When I have stages like this, I won’t kiss or cuddle because it’s easier to not have contact. If we do he often wants to take it further. When I go through stages like this, I often try to figure out what’s wrong, considering whether I am depressed? Could it be an effect of my interactive thyroid? Am I just shattered??? 

In 2015 I had put on a substantial amount of weight. I blamed this as the reason I wasn’t interested in sex. I’ve since lost 5 stone, but still I’m not interested. 

There have been times when I have ‘gone along’ with it to make him happy, hoping I will begin to feel turned on.

What I can’t get my head around is why am I sometimes interested and other times not? When I am interested, I love my neck to be kissed! But when I’m not interested, I literally feel nothing. It does nothing for me.

Infact any kind of contact to initiate sex at these times becomes rather annoying...

 

So how did I hear about Asexuality? I recently attended a Sexuality course through work. I work with adults with learning disabilities and this topic is something we are starting to promote and encourage. The trainer talked about Asexuality and it just felt natural to me, it made sense. When I got home, I began researching it. I spoke to my husband about it too. I’m just not sure if I am asexual, because as I have said there are times I enjoy sex. (Just not very often).

I have been thinking about trying to find a therapist so that I can talk to someone about it, and I then came across this website and forum.

Has anyone else experienced this?

thanks for Reading my story.

[Whyamilikethis]

Hey everyone,

 

 

i didnt know if i if I really wanted to figure myself out but I think it’s about a time to do this.

 

Im not sure if I’m ace. I don’t even know if I understand the whole concept of sexual desire - should it feel that way, am I just imagining it should be something more than actually is?

 

Im 20 and recently I got into relationship with a boy. I’ve always been considering myself bisexual, because I didn’t mind if I’m in romantic relation with boy or girl. But I think there’s something wrong. I don’t feel anything special while we make out, I barely feel anything different from simple holding hands. 

I do have a desire to hug or kiss my boyfriend but it doesn’t come out of anything more than need to be close to other human being and showing them my affection. 

I remember it wasn’t always like that. I used to be turned on quite a lot when I was growing up and I needed to masturbate but for past 4 years I don’t experience it. I’ve been into few relationships, with boys and girls but I’ve never felt especially stron desire for anything more. It’s fristrating cause my friends don’t really understand my struggle. They are supportive of me but they can’t put their finger on how I really feel.

I still don’t know, what my sexuality is. How can I describe myself? Where can I put a line that I am an ace? Is it just the fact that my boyfriend cannot awake sexual desire in me and I should wait for someone who would?

Id really appreciate if someone could help me with this, cause I’m absolutely lost and don’t know what to do. I don’t mind making out with my boyfriend, I just don’t feel it’s anything special. I don’t see a difference between kissing him and holding his hand. 

I’m sorry for ranting for so long but I have enough of this uncertainty. 

[Neutral nerd]

I don't have experience with what you're dealing with, but one question that I think would help is why you think it's wrong. how does it affect your life? The only ways I could imagine is if a) it limits connection (which doesn't seem to be the case here) or b) societal expectations, aka ace isn't "normal". Don't let expectations ruin your reality, you can appreciate your relationship without being allosexual. 

[HazelN]

I realised at 24 lol. I'm definitely pretty heavily aromantic so the idea of a relationship never entered my mind, let alone sex. Even then I read it and went 'well that's that' and got back on with my life. It's wasn't a big realisation or game changer for me weird,y enough just because I never realised there was anything weird about not wanting sex or a relationship. I'm not repelled by sex, I just don't care about it- and contrarily I actually went and had sex after realising just because I wanted to see what it was like I guess? I'm 28 now and I kinda wanna see if I can actually be in a relationship now - I've never wanted one before, haven't had any kind of desire my whole life but I think I want to give it a go at least once to see what it's like I guess?

[DexDiamante]

When I first heard about asexuality I was in my mid 20s and it was interesting to read the word and see the definition. It definitely called my attention and never left my mind for years, but I wasn't ready emotionally to think about it. I was so influenced and obsessed with chasing mainstream "shoulds" as well as drowning in undiagnosed mental illness.

 

When it finally clicked in my mind and I accepted my asexuality it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. It was feeling of relief and joy. I don't have to marry or have sex with anyone or fake relationships, fake attraction etc. I can just be who I am. There's a word for it and there's a community of people around the world just like me. Asexuality to me is a gift and I wouldn't change who I am for the world. Recognizing my sexual identity has freed me from a lot of expectations from other people and given me peace within myself.

[will123]

12 hours ago, DexDiamante said:

 

When it finally clicked in my mind and I accepted my asexuality it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. It was feeling of relief and joy. I don't have to marry or have sex with anyone or fake relationships, fake attraction etc. I can just be who I am. There's a word for it and there's a community of people around the world just like me. Asexuality to me is a gift and I wouldn't change who I am for the world. Recognizing my sexual identity has freed me from a lot of expectations from other people and given me peace within myself.

It's a great feeling isn't?

[grayskies]

When I realized I was on the ace spectrum, I was really happy to find a whole community of people similar to myself! In my early teens I figured out I was bi/pan (it didn't really pan out until I was 14). By the time I was in high school, I was hardcore accepting of myself. Screw what anybody had to say, whether it was "you're going to hell!" or "you can't be blah" or "aren't you too young to think about those things?" I didn't care. They weren't interested in understanding me so I wasn't interested in understanding them. Mind you, I've changed quite a bit since then in that I do try to have reasonable chats with people I disagree with. Anyways, when I first entered high school, it was like a flip had been switched in all my friends. Sex became a prevalent topic, but not relevant to me. Homework? Got it. Too tired? Me too. Want to sleep with x or z? Why? I couldn't wrap my head around it. Out of everybody I knew, including celebs, I didn't want to bang any of them. I had no sexual desire and nobody turned me on. The idea of asexuality scratched the back of my mind, but I shoved it out and kept livin' life, too confused and unsure to face that thought. What if it was wrong? What if I just didn't want to right then? About a year ago, I finally decided that no, I did not want to have sex with just anybody. I had no interest, romantic or sexual, in people I either a) did not know b) barely knew or c) did not get along with. I wasn't really attracted to anybody. I realized that I never really have. Unlike my friends who have had many crushes, I might have had one in 9th grade? Maybe? Idk. It doesn't matter. It was such a relief to find that yes, I did not have to be one way or the other. Having a high libido and sexual fantasies with people I made up (cuz nobody else was appealing) wasn't wrong or unusual or a sign that I was broken. It just meant that my attraction was different from others. But not from everybody's. Yoink, I basically came to the conclusion that I'm demi pan in sophomore year. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk, sorry that it was so long.

[CleverBeech]

Wow - - is this what I am? Asexual?  Pretty much all my life I haven't had any interest in sex. There was that brief period in my 40's where I felt horny all the time. But I think that happens to most women in their 40's right? The eggs are making a "last stand" so to speak. Now I'm 53 and I feel nothing. I've often wanted a relationship with a man where we can just be close, be best friends, have adventures, share life and all of that, but....like...do we HAVE to have sex?  I'm just not interested. Sorry, I just don't want it in me. I have never met a man in my life that didn't want it real bad. I've had many relationships break up because I didn't want to go to bed with the guy.

 

So just kinda wondering, are there many cool, fun, hopefully vegan guys out there who are into everything a good relationship with a woman offers except for the sex part?

[Saudade]

Hi Cleverbeech,

Vert happyyyy tout réadaptation tout message,I feeling thé samedi now: I fonction want anymore that someone hors inside me...it's MY PRIVATE HOUSE🏡😅!

Good night🤗