I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[Bjp72]

Being a Virgin in my mid twenties it always felt like something was "wrong" with me. I always assumed my own limitations were why I did not have many intimate romantic relationships. I've had opportunities to have sex but it was never apealing to me. Even with people I found myself attracted to. I wanted to spend time with them and get to know them better but never felt any urge to develop a physical relationship. Eventually I got so tired of being ridiculed by my friends about my virginity that I made up some fake "conquests" to get them to leave me alone. It was an immature move and about 3 years ago I stopped proliferating those lies. Recently I forced myself to try dating again because of consistent questioning from my friends and family. Last month I actually had a date and I didn't go well. My loved ones assumed I was disappointed about it, but I was actually quite happy and relieved. I'm fine with the way that I am and it's always good to realize you're not alone..

[MakeupJunkie4]

I came to terms with being an ace a few years ago. I didn't learn the terminology until recently though! I just knew that I wasn't interested in a sexual relationship. Although I think I MIGHT be able to experience sexual desire and attraction if the person is already extremely close to me, it wouldn't be the main objective of the relationship. I haven't been in a relationship (I'm 30), so that's just an educated guess. I never really liked the whole procreation bit, honestly. I don't want children, although I love kids and I work with them. I just think there's so much more to life than sex, and I always have (and always will) treasure my friendships and family relationships over anything sexual.

 

To me, sex is of very little to no importance. I find it unnecessary. Most of my childhood friends are married (albeit unhappily) or they're divorced and on a second marriage or sexual relationship. They look down their nose at me, but... I truthfully don't see a point to how they're doing things, and I'm happy to have escaped all of that. I love being single and childless. Most of my friends know this about me so I've never really needed to "come out", but recently I had an open discussion with my gay friend and he was very supportive, fascinated even. Lol

[nonsexualdaydreamer]

So me coming to terms with my "lack of sexual orientation" lol... Has been a process. My whole journey started when lost my virginity. I was 17 (one week from my 18th birthday) and my boyfriend was 21. Damn he could kiss... Anyway, I was so horny until we actually had sex. It was so painful and such a jarring experience I was immediately not attracted to him anymore. I waited way too long to break up with him for sentimental reasons - but sex with him cured me of all desire whatsoever - hahahaha.

 

I "flirted" with sex all throughout college (no pun intended). Waiting for it to feel good - I see now in hindsight. Once I got my first professional job I found him - Mr. Make You Feel Good. And it did. The experience dispelled all of my feelings and worries about being different or weird. His marriage was ending and I was obsessed with this guy. Not a healthy thing. Our back and forth lasted for about three years. Emotionally draining. The sex stopped feeling good the moment I realized that the barrier to he and I being together wasn't his soon-to-be ex-wife. (They actually did end up getting divorced.) The barrier to our relationship was him - he didn't want me.

 

As I got over him and finally stopped answering the phone I didn't have sex for 3 years. It didn't bother me, but it felt weird that it didn't bother me. Friends of mine would say "Oh my gosh" and "Are you serious?" Yup, I was!

 

Fast forward to last year where I met the first man to finally make me feel like I was capable of being in a real relationship. We connected on so many levels. We loved the same food, music. Had very similar philosophical and political beliefs, same racial/ethnic/socioeconomic background. But we were long distance - which would be the slow acting time bomb on our relationship. The first time we had sex was horrific - I cried. Akin to my reaction the first time I lost my virginity. And as we visited each other it was the one aspect of the relationship that didn't get better.

 

Fast forward to last week. Yup - last week. We'd gone on an awesome trip together (or so I thought). Four days long, he had several happy endings during this trip and I wasn't even in the mood, but he still wasn't satisfied. The day after I get home - that would be Tuesday April 4 to be exact - he dumps me like a bag of rocks. Total freeze out, which can feel weird when you've been talking about marriage with someone for the last 6 months. I didn't even cry, I still haven't cried yet. I was angry - frustrated. I even got it in my head to call him and let him have it for being so abrupt... But he has the right to have the relationship HE wants. And that relationship is sexual.

 

So now, I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I've spent so much time trying to fit my lifestyle and needs into a box for a very long time. At this point in my life I feel as through I've had sex with waayyy more people than I've ever wanted to in my whole life. Maybe it was to prove to myself that I was not a prude and am an open person... Either way, at this point in my life I never want to have sex again. Simply because I don't want to. I'm fully ready to embrace the fact that I feel this way and stop compromising my body to others. I'm ready to do this - and no - I don't feel the need to discuss this with family or friends, unless it comes up. But I will be open with potential partners. I mean blunt with them, lol. I just don't want to be bothered with the games. Longest post I've ever written anywhere *sighs*

[MakeupJunkie4]

3 minutes ago, nonsexualdaydreamer said:

So now, I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I've spent so much time trying to fit my lifestyle and needs into a box for a very long time. At this point in my life I feel as through I've had sex with waayyy more people than I've ever wanted to in my whole life. Maybe it was to prove to myself that I was not a prude and am an open person... Either way, at this point in my life I never want to have sex again. Simply because I don't want to. I'm fully ready to embrace the fact that I feel this way and stop compromising my body to others. I'm ready to do this - and no - I don't feel the need to discuss this with family or friends, unless it comes up. But I will be open with potential partners. I mean blunt with them, lol. I just don't want to be bothered with the games. Longest post I've ever written anywhere *sighs*

Thank you for being so honest. I'm proud of you. So many people never get this honest with themselves. IMO, sex is a huge complication, and TBH I don't think it's worth the hassle. You're worth so much more than just your body/sex organs. And it's totally possible to have a rich, fulfilling, happy life without sex! Glad you're coming to terms with all of this. Happy to have you here!

[nonsexualdaydreamer]

 

14 hours ago, Jenna444 said:

Thank you for being so honest. I'm proud of you. So many people never get this honest with themselves. IMO, sex is a huge complication, and TBH I don't think it's worth the hassle. You're worth so much more than just your body/sex organs. And it's totally possible to have a rich, fulfilling, happy life without sex! Glad you're coming to terms with all of this. Happy to have you here!

Thank you! It's like being in the invasion of the body snatchers right? People have tried to convince me that I might have mental issues or repressed feelings or a physical problem that made me feel the way I did. What's crazy is, I care very much for my "recent ex" but trying to make things work with him is futile because he thought that this one thing was enough to dump me for - so I get the message. This is a blessing in disguise though - no more sex! I'm way too excited about it.  Thank you for your warm welcome 

[Cat'sMeow]

..

[999papercranes]

(Sorry for the rant. I just have to type this all out.)

I first discovered asexuality when I was maybe eleven. I was always aggressively allied with the LGBT+ community because I live in a town that's full of xenophobic bigots. Because of this, I researched the various genders and sexualities so I could always stay on top of things. I vowed to never be as close-minded as the people around me. 

I heard of the term asexuality but I didn't dive into it much because, well, I was eleven. I had always considered myself straight until when I was thirteen and there was this guy walking into our school, college-aged. My "friends" were all gushing over how hot we was and I just shrugged. They noticed my indifference to this "specimen" and they began to discuss how they heard this rumor that I was a lesbian because I was "weird." Naturally, I became angry. Not because I was even mad about being homosexual but because they were associating being a lesbian with being weird. 

Needless to say I started to question my sexuality as many do during the onslaught of puberty. I went through labels like someone goes through tissues during a cold. Bisexual, pansexual, straight, questioning... 

During this time I had another friend. I took her under my wing when she moved to our school in sixth grade because she was viewed as too "weird" and didn't have many friends. I guess I kind of felt sorry for her, as bad as that sounds. 

She came out as bisexual to me in seventh grade and I fully supported her. She was always a bit of an attention-seeker so I took her other labels with a grain of salt, (she called herself a sociopath despite obviously recognizing human emotion) but I always accepted her for her sexuality of course. 

That friend and I parted ways during the summer going into high school but one day after I had improv practice she was waiting to be picked up and we had time to talk. She asked if I was dating anybody and I went on this rant about how I didn't need anyone, didn't have any crushes and never had, and how really I never understood the point of relationships. She looked so amused and then she suggested that maybe I was asexual. I was like, "hah maybe," and also said that maybe I was aromantic too to show how cultured I was, but by that point she wasn't listening and we parted ways. 

When I got home her suggestion stuck with me. I was floored. I think that was her parting gift to me for taking her in those years ago. She helped me discover my asexuallty. 

I always thought I was weird for never liking anyone and cringing at sex scenes in media, but the moment I went home and googled asexuality I discovered I wasn't alone. I wasn't weird. I was asexual. I could now sit through those awkward family interrogations about my love life and know that it was perfectly ok that I didn't like anybody at all. I'm not a sociopath. 

My mom thinks I'm lesbian, I'm pretty sure, because whenever I tell her for the thirtieth time that I really don't like anyone she somehow spontaneously brings up some new factoid about the LBGT+ community. Coincidence? I think not.

She's super openminded and accepting and I'm really lucky to have such a great mom but I'm worried she'll think I'm just making this up so I can be a special snowflake. It's just something I found on the internet. 

She can wrap her head around transgenderism, agendersim, homosexuality, bisexuality, etc., but I'm afraid asexuality might be pushing it too far for her. 

I also have anxiety and I'm extremely paranoid in general so maybe I'm making something out of nothing, but I just want to shout at her "I'm asexual!" But something stops me every time. 

However I know now that I have a community to support me and validate me and I am not alone. I'm not making this up. I have an identity. I want to thank you all for that. 

 

 

[Samuel303]

Well, this will be my first post here on Aven. The realization that I could connect with asexual was and still is interesting. I only figured out this feeling recently. I'm a freshman in college and the changes I was going through made me do a lot of self-examination. I first heard about asexuality from a friend in high school, I looked into it a little bit (on this site actually), but nothing ever came of it.  So... story time?

I went to a party, a theatre party to be exact, I'm a theatre major and we have parties from time to time. (they are wild tbh ) Some of my friends brought a non-theatre major and I thought she was pretty cool. Later that night and some drinks and such later... she ended back at my dorm and I got to enjoy a new experience. This is where things got tricky for me. I realized that sex was just... Meh. I could live with it or without it. I realized that my entire life, thinking that being a virgin I was missing some magical ingredient. Something that would make me feel like a real man. I was wrong. What I was missing was a sense of who I am. While I am still struggling with learning who I am and what I believe I have taken on the comfortable title of asexual. It makes me feel good knowing that there is a way to define what is happening to me. I now know that, while I love to kiss and cuddle and be close to people, I don't truly want sex. I just want that person that wants me as much as I want them. I want my forever partner. 

Thank you all for reading, sorry that it was so long. Hope to see(and meet) you all around the site ^-^

[DayDreamer~]

*Runs in last minute*

I realized I never posted to this when I first joined I don't think D: So I figured I could contribute now~

 

When I first stumbled across the term 'asexual,' I was more curious than anything. Ever since middle school and first really knowing that sex was a thing that people did I had always known I didn't care for it. It never crossed my mind and I could never understand how people described guys as 'sexy' and said other things... even in high school I still am dumbfounded by the things I hear others say around me regarding the whole thing, because I never found it significant, and some things were downright absurd to me!

Long story short, I never said my feelings on the subject, although a friend did tease me a lot for my apparent lack of interest in guys in that way, as I never contributed to those sorts of discussions. I thought I was strange and sometimes alienated for it, and eventually believed the notion that I would never be loved because I didn't want sex and that was apparently a given in relationships. (Talk about scary)

 

When I found asexuality, it felt like a blanket had been pulled off my face. I was like 'holy crap, I'm not the only one who feels this way?! It's actually a thing? I am the thing!' And I was pretty excited to find all of the criteria fit the bill, at least for me. Now I'm proudly Ace and love being able to feel like it's just a part of who I am rather than an issue with the past or my biology or anything of the sort. It was really uplifting, albeit for a short time concerned me in the heart department (future relationships) but I got over that a little while ago too =P

[PHOENIX97]

Utter relief, freedom, and excitement. I didnt have to force myself anymore.

 

[PHOENIX97]

5 hours ago, Samuel303 said:

I don't truly want sex. I just want that person that wants me as much as I want them. I want my forever partner. 

Preach!!! 

[TheBlueStreak]

Hello! I just joined AVEN a few minutes ago and I'm loving it so far! When I first found out I was asexual, I was more open about it with my family. They accepted my sexuality, but they had their doubts at the beginning. I know they have accepted my sexuality, but my relatives sometimes like to tease me, saying that I'm going to marry a certain boy that I'm friends with. I know they don't mean it though. But I fortunately never had a problem with feeling like my sexuality was abnormal. The good thing is that I have wonderful people in my life who support and understand my sexuality.

[MakeupJunkie4]

On 4/17/2017 at 1:39 PM, Samuel303 said:

Well, this will be my first post here on Aven. The realization that I could connect with asexual was and still is interesting. I only figured out this feeling recently. I'm a freshman in college and the changes I was going through made me do a lot of self-examination. I first heard about asexuality from a friend in high school, I looked into it a little bit (on this site actually), but nothing ever came of it.  So... story time?

I went to a party, a theatre party to be exact, I'm a theatre major and we have parties from time to time. (they are wild tbh ) Some of my friends brought a non-theatre major and I thought she was pretty cool. Later that night and some drinks and such later... she ended back at my dorm and I got to enjoy a new experience. This is where things got tricky for me. I realized that sex was just... Meh. I could live with it or without it. I realized that my entire life, thinking that being a virgin I was missing some magical ingredient. Something that would make me feel like a real man. I was wrong. What I was missing was a sense of who I am. While I am still struggling with learning who I am and what I believe I have taken on the comfortable title of asexual. It makes me feel good knowing that there is a way to define what is happening to me. I now know that, while I love to kiss and cuddle and be close to people, I don't truly want sex. I just want that person that wants me as much as I want them. I want my forever partner. 

Thank you all for reading, sorry that it was so long. Hope to see(and meet) you all around the site ^-^

@Samuel303 welcome! 😊♠🍰 Happy you're here!

[erratic]

Relief that I might not be as weird as I thought, followed by about two years of confusion as I discovered all the variations of asexuality and tried to figure out if I really was ace whereabouts in this confusing spectrum I actually fit, then relief again on figuring out how I really feel about things and being ok with it.

 

In emoticon form: 

[SithAzathoth WinterDragon]

In the early 2000's I knew I was different than most females my age, I never wanted sex and still never do to this day and there for never tried it. Through high school I still never liked being ht on and assumed to  like it when I never did. Then in 2013 I heard of the term asexual and thought about it, and heard it again in 2014 while I was working at an airport by a friend who said she was asexual and in by 2015 I was looking into it more through Facebook and found AVEN and looked through forums as a guest for almost a year before joining. I never revealed I was asexual to anyone and my friend who is my former bagpipe trainer was the first to know and my legal guardian who I call mom although we're not related was second to know. She never believes me and still does not want to hear about it and does not support it by any measure. Recently last weekend I told her I'm androgyne and surprised me by actually showing a little support in that. 

I told her I'll never want to be sexual with anyone when she said something to me one day which made me bring up me being asexual, in the future I hope she actually begins showing support and respecting me, I'm in my late 20's and know that I'll not want to become sexual at anytime. The thought of have someone on me repulses me and also I never want to make myself vulnerable in that position. 

[IsLib]

This might sound weird, but I first found out about asexuality even existing through roleplay - I was building up my character, and since the application wanted me to decide about their sexuality, I googled the sexuality spectrum and looked at all of them separately so that I knew what most suited the character. As I was reading, I started realising how close to home all/most of the articles hit, and eventually I admitted to myself I could be an ace, too. It helped a lot, especially since I was kinda in a dark place at that time, peer pressure of being in high school without ever having a boyfriend and all, when I found out that there's 'nothing wrong' with me, it was a relief. 

[BennyR]

So I'm not sure what took me so long to actually create a profile on here, but anyway hi! I discovered asexuality through the lgbt+ group at my high school about six years ago. I didn't identify as it yet. I basically went through every label possible before I realized I was ace. I remember dating guys and not feeling attracted to them, and I though I might be gay. Wasn't attracted to girls either so I thought maybe that's what bi was. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was broken. I then discovered AVEN and realized other people feel the same way I do. I am so thankful and happy that AVEN exists!

[Cida]

Me sinto aberta para quaisquer questionamentos.

[Cida]

1 minute ago, Cida said:

Me sinto aberta para perguntas questionamentos.

Eu como  tantos outros  não entendo o porque de ter me demorado a integrar-me com pessoas que se identificam comigo. Talvez por ignorância, porque nem eu  mesma sabia  da  minha real identidade rsrsrsrsr. Minha filha que me chamou a atenção e me sugeriu o site. Foi a  primeira vez que ouvi  a palavra ASSEXUADA.  Daí então comecei a estudar sobre o assunto e vejo que realmente essa é minha condição.  Essa condição me trouxe sérios problemas de relacionamentos com o marido, isso sempre foi um problema que tive que me deparar com ele. Não foi fácil também localizar esse site, busquei de todas as formas localizar  pela google e somente hoje consegui  fazer o cadastro. Creio que será prazeroso está com pessoas que agem e pensam como eu, creio que existe pessoas que também acham que o AMOR é a base de tudo e o que nos mantém unidos e conectados.

[kelico]

4 hours ago, Cida said:

I like so many others do not understand why it took me to integrate myself with people who identify with me. Perhaps out of ignorance, because even I do not know my real identity rsrsrsrsr. My daughter caught my attention and suggested me the site. It was the first time I heard the word ASEXUAL. So then I started studying about it and see that actually this is my condition. This condition brought me serious relationship problems with her husband, it was always a problem I had to face with him. It was also easy to locate this site, I tried in every way to find the google and only now managed to get the order. I believe it will be pleasurable it is with people who act and think like me, believe that there is people who also believe that LOVE is the basis of everything and what keeps us united and connected.

Have you checked out the Alternate Language forums? : ) In case you'd like to find others that speak your language (Portuguese?). Bem-vindo ao AVEN!

[It means]

.

 

[Tigerlover91]

Hi everyone!

ive just joined and it's nice to see others around who feel the same ( or lack of it) bout sex. I've only known I was asexual since I was 16( almost 26 now). I've never had a relationship or sex. Ive met up with guys and fooled around but I never felt anything. Even when kissing never felt and desire. I read ALOT of books of all genres( all fiction) romance included( there can be steamy bits in those) but once again never felt anything. I'm more than happy the way I am. Even though mum keeps telling me she wants grandkids lol I will continue living my life how I like and enjoy it. 

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

On 24.11.2012 at 5:32 AM, Lady Girl said:

I had felt broken and weird for a long time.Then I found AVEN. My first thing was joining the chatroom and getting to know people. I have always had a hard time talking about myself, I can post long stuff about generic things, essays and the like, but talking about me is a different matter entirely. It felt so great, though, to find people similar to myself to talk to. When someone suggested that I post an intro thread in the Welcome Lounge forum, I sort of panicked a little. It took me a few days to post something.

That's almost exactly the same way I landed here. It was pretty hard at first but I finally gathered my strength to contribute in here. It's only a few days now but I'm alraedy feeling a million times better. So, thank you all for being so open and accepting.I had to go through a lot since last year and being around you guys really helps to improve the inner process of mental healing. I really appreciate it.

[Aarineko]

I felt like I could finally relax... No more wondering why it seemed different. Also felt a little dumb that I had to try to date people because that's what all my friends where doing and it's a really nice guy, you would go well together... or disapointing my boyfriend after trying to have sex and not having a reason why I couldn't do it when it seemed to be the next step in the relationship guidebook ... wish I knew at the time so I could have given a good reason when I'm pretty sure I hurt his feeling.  

[M00SE]

I first found out through my ex who I met through a mutual friend --We were dating at the time, moved 8000-ish miles to be with her. HUGE mistake. Lol Anyway, she lied to me about being bisexual and came out to me as aromantic... The way she described it was hauntingly similar to my dark secret--having no actual interest in sex. I had never heard the term asexual until then. Her sexuality and the way we diplayed intimacy in our reationship made me realize what I was all along. I identified as lesbian, still labelled as one on fb because Ive literally just come to terms with this. Right now Im starting to feel a great weight being lifted from my shoulders, though deep down I knew right when she told me a year ago. Its going to be hard explaining this to everyone and the fact Ive lied so many many times about past intimacy because I feared the judgement of others growing up. I was already bullied badly enough back then for being gay and socially awkward, 'virgin loser' was the last thing I needed. Yall have no idea how great this feels getting all this off my chest.....Wait, yep you do. :') Glad to be here. When I saw posts of glorius pancakes stacked high with toppings and shaped like seacreatures I knew I finally found a place of belonging.

[poisonivy]

I found out that I am asexual 5 years ago. My first boyfriend told me that I am frigid, which in that time hurt my feelings. I didn't felt aroused by kissing, touching. It didn't appealed in right way I guess. Because of fear of being rejected again, I didn't looked for relationship till last year, when I met someone and in start I told him ''I am asexual, is that ok with you?'' and he just nodded. Later he told me that he knew that I was little bit ''colder'' in the way I was avoided physical contacts. 
I don't enjoy kissing. neither hugs but with time I learned to sacrifice myself for sake of others, to others feel loved from me. But I put borders, what I can do and what I can't. Sex is ultimate no-no for me.

 

[ptxsigma]

Am I the only one that's really nervous about actually using the term asexual as my identity? Almost like I'm trying to deny it/justify it in my mind, I don't know. I doubt myself very often.

[CJcassandra]

For me, it  has relieved so much stress. For the first time, I told myself "you don't want to? You don't have to. I don't like sex and that's okay"

The irony is real in my situation. People call this the invisible orientation. I have two moms. My whole life, from about fourth grade if I ever said something like "if I ever have a husband..." and they always added ...or a wife. When I was in early highschool I told them I would not like sex, they just said "you'll understand when you're older"

I have always felt like such a freak, but now it just seems like saying I'm not straight. It's something I can be proud of, instead of ashamed.

I have over the past few years when people ask why I don't have a boyfriend is because I don't want to have sex, and it's "not fair" to them. Now I know that there are actually people like me if I look. It's not 100% impossible. Now I can say because I haven't found the right person, yet.

[CJcassandra]

I think using asexual is great. When I was in highschool I said it to someone, without even realizing. Now when I say asexual it seems so natural and normal.

[Robertico]

I am new here.  I am basically asexual, but not by birth or choice.  Several years ago, I developed serious pelvic pain which made sex very painful.  Later, I had my prostate surgically removed due to medical issues, which left me completely impotent.  I originally tried about a dozen remedies for erectile dysfunction, but nothing worked and the pain was even worse after the surgery.  So, as a result, I am not able to have sex.  My history and my pain have made me unable to have sex and have left me with a nearly nonexistent libido.  This is a drastic change for a man who started out as a regular heterosexual.  And maybe I do not exactly fit the criteria for being asexual.  Nevertheless, I can relate to people who do not want or cannot have sex, no matter the reason.  Over the years, I have participated in other forums where I have met people who simply chose an asexual lifestyle.  There is a lot of attention and talk about same-sex attraction, and plenty more attention given to sexual attraction in the straight community, but I really haven't seen anything devoted to asexuality until I found this site.  The irony here (and I am only guessing) is that asexuality is likely more prevalent than what anyone can imagine.  I am also guessing that being asexual is much more common than being homosexual, though I admit I could be completely wrong about this.  Either way,  I would like to meet some new friends (or at least hear from people) who deal with asexuality in this overtly sexual world in which we now live.