I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[DaVGScientist]

I found this more than a couple days ago after watching the documentary (A) Sexual. Even though I'm not really good at expressing emotion i was somewhat happy to find this and find that there was more people like me who didn't have a sexual attraction to anyone. So I am very happy to have heard about Asexuality. :)

[Lady Girl]

I haven't really had any trouble before or after finding out about Aven and asexuality. I never worried about it and always thought if I am this way there is another person who is too somewhere. Once I found out about Aven I thought it would be a wonderful website to check into.

I am supprized to see so many people felt broken before knowing. Just have to ask what do people mean when they say they felt broken?

I think people mean they wondered if something was wrong with them. If everyone around them begins to feel and experience something they do not, they might feel something is 'broken' as far as development is concerned...something that can be 'fixed'.

[slayspawn]

There are a lot of things 'wrong' with me. I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was young, I have mild aspergers, I have a long standing struggle with school, etc. When I was in first grade I told my mom I had a crush because that's what little girls did. They have crushes.

I didn't really like that boy.

And all throughout my teenage years (that I'm nearing the end of) I've never been attracted to anyone. But I didn't really acknoledge that I might not be straight. Only recently after several conversations with people expecting me to have a boyfriend did I realize I might not be 'normal.'

I identify as asexual to myself and one friend. But I'm scared to tell my family because I can tell how it will go down. My mom will say something like "I didn't want for you to be alone." She will think that it's a problem and I don't know how to say it. There is so much stress going on that discovering my asexuality is more of a curse; it will only add on to the household stress... I feel like I'm all alone and I'm really scared. Does anybody have advice?

[Lady Girl]

I identify as asexual to myself and one friend. But I'm scared to tell my family because I can tell how it will go down. My mom will say something like "I didn't want for you to be alone." She will think that it's a problem and I don't know how to say it. There is so much stress going on that discovering my asexuality is more of a curse; it will only add on to the household stress... I feel like I'm all alone and I'm really scared. Does anybody have advice?

My advice is to live your life and be happy...that will make your mom happy too. You don't have to tell your family if you think it will create stress. The label is more for you to understand yourself better and possibly make certain choices accordingly. Don't be scared, even married people have fears about being alone (usually one of them eventually is you know).

[Kellam]

I haven't really had any trouble before or after finding out about Aven and asexuality. I never worried about it and always thought if I am this way there is another person who is too somewhere. Once I found out about Aven I thought it would be a wonderful website to check into.

I am supprized to see so many people felt broken before knowing. Just have to ask what do people mean when they say they felt broken?

When I say that I felt "broken" or "wrong" I mean that I was experiencing a difference in myself that I didn't see echoed anywhere or in anyone else. I had only heard asexuality mentioned once in my 20's and my social circle refered to it as "fake" and the person who said they were ace was a "liar". I felt like a fraud trying to be a sexual person but the world said I aapeared normal. If I had been aware of other aces in a broader and more positive way I would have had no trouble and felt normal. I supose my already low self esteem made matters worse. The internet and the social connections it makes possible is truly wonderful. I came of age in the 1990's back at the turn of the century we still made fun of yuppies and their "cell phones". I didn't have internet access until 2007 or so. But I digress, some folks just feel so lost in the world that we assume we're an anomoly and hence "broken".

[JellyBeansRNoice]

For starters I would have never found this website if it wasn't for Hulu and the movie (A)Sexual. So, Thank you Hulu. I took me a long time to actually understand what I was feeling toward people and my sexual desires. Well actually my lack of it. People have consantly tried to tell me "If you're Asexual you don't want a boy/girlfriend." No that's not the case for me but it took me some ponder time. I thought to myself maybe I like girls instead of guys and that's why I don't "Make my move" So last summer I had my first girlfriend and she was for lack of a better term "Ahead of the Lesbian game" She had already been intimate with a few girls and wanted to do so with me. I didn't want to and she didn't understand so.....we broke up. So I figured that sexuality wasn't for me. I went back a few spaces and tried boys again. I had a large amount of boy asking me to date them and such but everytime when it came to "Do the Do" I just didn't want to I didn't feel what they felt. But I finally came to terms with my emotional sexuality. I have the Emotional Desire to be with males and females but I don't want anything further than an emotional connection to them No sex of any form. It's not because I'm afraid or I'm bitter towards men or women not because I'm traumatized by a bad experience. In simple terms and because I am a teen, Much like when it comes to cleaning my room or doing the dishes.....When it comes to sex "I Just Don't Wanna".

~JellyBeansRNoice A.K.A. Mekayla

[Being-In-Monochrome]

Well, initially throughout my childhood, I had always felt very outcast, in everything I did. I never had any similar interests with anyone my age. So, I think I was 13, discussing society with a goof friend, and I told her about how my former friends had thought it was strange that I'd never had a crush, let alone dated. Even my family thought I was weird for not liking boy bands or actors, I would make up crushes just to be accepted. I told her that I never really saw anything bad in nudity, and that I was looked down on it even though I was still a child! She said "wow, you sound asexual!" And so I looked into it, it fit me to a T and still does to this day.

My feelings in this was finally finally finding someplace I belong. I think you can imagine how I felt like a complete alien up until that point. I now understand it's okay to feel how I do, and everyone has the right to feel that way, so we need awareness!

[confuzzled20]

very much a newbie, but already it feels like such a relief. after finally posting here on the forum last night and hearing from others, and spending the last few days reading others story i felt so much better. today i was able to go out today with a big weight of my shoulders. it probably would have helped if from when they start the sex education and onwards, if at some point someone had said anything along the lines of 'you know, it's also very okay if you just dont want to do this, if its not your thing, thats all fine too'

[Wayfare Angel]

I knew about asexuality for a while, but it wasn't until I watched (A)sexual that I really started to think about it. It was when Dave refers to some people referring to the idea of masturbation as 'cleaning the gutters' that it all started to turn over in my head. No, that couldn't be me, could it? I love sex! Well, no, actually, I don't like sex. I love SEXUALITY. And haven't I always said that when I masturbate, I mostly just want something quick and easy?

And that's when I have my 'ooooooh' moment. Everything just clicked, and things that didn't make sense before, suddenly did. It's kind of like realizing you aren't a duck, you're a cabbage.

No idea why I said cabbage... <.<

[Ephie]

I've never felt that moment when I've gone "Oh so that's what I am!" I guess I've always been aware that I've had little to no interest in sex, but for a long time I forced myself to have relationships so that people wouldn't think I was weird or abnormal.

The best thing to come out of this is that I have the most adorable little boy. I guess I feel like a bit of a fraud because while I have no interest in the opposite sex I did engage in sex and have a child as a result.

[Jax826]

Wouldn't say broken as much as disconnected. I find sex not all that important and frankly boring. I never understood everyone's intense focus on it and when traopped to endure others' rambling about it, I mentally check out. Makeds it terribly difficult to meet people because it always goes right to expectations of sex often before even a first date. So I gave up and have resigned myself to be alone -being INTJ doesn't help this lol- but then stumbled into an article on the huffpost site and learned about AVEN -I have the Netflix movie in the queue but not it watched it yet but it looks like maybe I'm really not burying some horrible dsek history of abuse or suppressing something or other or "Just haven't met the right man yet cuz that will change".

[Corretto]

Gosh! I always thought there was something wrong with me; and still to a certain degree. As a 52 year-old male whose has only succeeded at emotion-less teenage groping sessions with young women that I knew from school, I've never identified my sexual identity. Remaining what I thought was a well-informed virgin, I've found myself 'up the garden path', with no understanding of where I'm at [lost].

So...I can thank AVEC and some, unfortunately scant, literature to help explain that I'm not ill; just on a different wavelength than my peers! Ciao

[CuriousElementalist]

Hello everyone! I've only recently stumbled across the term "asexual", but when I did, I thought- "hey... that's me!" Between this and recently discovering the differences between sex and gender (and realizing that I identify as gender neutral) I'd say that I'm feeling happy. I found words that help describe who I am, and this has helped me to find people who are like me. College has been an enlightening experience for me, to say the least.

It's exciting to be here :D

[Grasshopper]

At first, I was surprised that asexuality was an actual thing and then confused about whether it applied (sexual attraction vs. sex drive, sexual orientation vs. romantic orientation, etc.). Then, I felt like I was having an identity crisis. I had always just considered myself a late bloomer or that I hadn't found the 'right person' yet, so the idea that I might never be 'normal' was rather disorienting. I thought it would change something about me, realizing I was probably asexual. In the end, though, it hasn't really changed anything. I still behave the same way (not sexually active, and frankly not interested), and that's fine since I was never dissatisfied with the way I was. It actually explains so many things that it's something of a relief.

I guess my biggest issue is not so much internal as external--my mom really understands the world through a heteronormative lens, and her biggest wish for me is to find someone I love (she assumes a man, although I'm not hetero-romantic...but that's opening a whole different can of worms) and experience the joy of having a family. She understands love and sexual attraction to be linked in a very traditional heteronormative sense, so for her it would be completely unfathomable that I would be uninterested in a traditional relationship. My friends, while more open about gender identities and sexuality, don't understand how someone can be asexual or uninterested in sexual relationships, especially since they are still at a point in their lives where sex is prevalent in most of their conversations and social interactions.

For me, it's a relief that I'm not required by some sort of biological imperative to be sexually attracted to every male deemed 'attractive' that crosses my path. I feel vindicated.

[morganb50]

on monday i thought i was a freak. on thrusday i watched (A)sexual and then i found this site. today i am, wow, how to describe... i am free. i am ok. i am whole. there is nothing wrong with me and i know that i am not a freak. i am hopeful. i am grateful, and i feel like a door to life that i have never seen before has been blown open, and that the choice to walk through it was the easiest, most natural choice that i have ever made.

[4sanctus]

"How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!"

It feels awesome! :lol: :lol: 8) 8)

[Conscientious Ghost]

When I discovered that asexuality exists, I was astonished. I differed from a lot of my classmates and friends because I never had sexual interests or desires towards other people. Yes, I do "get off" and relieve myself from occasional urges, but I never imagine myself in any position or fantasy. Most of the time, it's attractive, unreachable (real or fictional) people who pop into my mind and make love with each other like John and Sherlock. Before I realized I was an asexual person, I was already weird to begin with.

I would hug, cuddle, and snuggle people because that's how I display my romantic or platonic attraction. On the contrary, when people misinterpreted my gestures sexually, I immediately swatted their hands off of me or detached myself like a cautious child that hides behind the couch. I wanted to momentarily launch them into outer space. Besides the unsettling discomfort, that attraction I hold shatters away. The feelings does ware off, but I'm less keen to express any attraction with those individuals. It seemed odd because many of my buddies would feel electricity flow through their veins or warmth smothering their body if their crush or beloved sexually touched them. Before I realized I was an asexual person, I thought I was ill...

Until I found this website. I pinched my cheeks and smiled like Goofy as I read through the articles and posts. Hell yeah! Hearing about asexuality was like a child that finally understands 12 x 12 = 144, which was the greatest epiphany I had.

[clovergirl]

I never knew asexuality existed until a few months ago. When I first heard the word asexual in my first week of college I thought it sounded a bit like me but I never looked into it. Then when I was on google one day I came across AVEN. When I read what asexuality was I was beyond happy. I have always felt like I was the only one in the world who didn't want or desire sex. I have never understood the words hot or sexy and was confused why people always used these words to describe people. In middle school I got annoyed when I saw people holding hands and kissing because it made no sense to me. In high school there were always girls getting pregnant and it was annoying because if I got pregnant it definitely wouldn't have been an accident. I did get a few crushes in school but it was never sexual I had crushes on their intelligence and personality not for any other reason. I'm just so happy I found this site because I now know who I am.

[regular guy]

I met a beautiful 50 year old lady two months ago who is single and never married. Two weeks into our relationship she told me she was saving herself for marriage and that she was a virgin. I found this extremely unusual, but excepted it as part of who she was.

She is very attractive, very close to her family, very active in her church, and has a large community of friends mostly from her church. She is an outstanding person and I can confidently say I've never met another woman like her.

It is very difficult to describe a person that you are totally, head-over-heels in love with, so I will forego further adjectives. And she has also fallen in love with me. We kiss and snuggle often, and we both enjoy it tremendously.

Last week she told me she has never explored her body and has never had an orgasm. She is not comfortable with exploring each others bodies. And she is fearful that she will not be able to satisfy my sexual needs when the time comes. I've told her that I fell in love with her heart, her mind and her soul ... not her vagina.

I'm fairly sure she is asexual after reading the information on this site. Just wanted to express my thanks to the board posters for sharing their experiences and advice. My patience and communication skills will be tested, but she is worth it.

[R. Fenghuang]

I first heard about it on AO3 (a fanfiction sight with an incredibly broad community of writers) and I read a story with an asexual character, but didn't really identify with him. A year or so later I read another story that mentioned someone who was a Kinsey 6 and, curious as ever, I had to find out what Kinsey meant which, naturally, led to me taking a Kinsey Scale Test. I scored a perfect zero and the Kinsey description of asexuality was a huge surprise but incredibly apt.

As both a writer and a child of abuse/neglect I was very used to being on the outside and so my asexuality (again, completly unexpected) was simply another little continent drawn in to the map of my life. I wholeheartedly embraced it in my narcissistic way and am quite happy to explain it to anyone who asks.

Rainee

P. S. I'm really glad I found AVEN, it's helped me to embrace the fact that romances full of sap and cheese without even a hint of smex is A-okay (get it, get it? >A< okay. It's PUNny). I'm happy to be here.

[TheStarrySkai]

I never was interested in dating or guys, at least no where near as interested as my friends were. I never really connected that with asexuality though. Whenever my friends started fangirling over some guy or saying 'I'd hit that' I assumed they were just making a big deal out of it cause thats what everyone does. When I started reading about asexuality I thought *oh is that how it is?*

[Selatla]

No reaction really. I guess I already knew based on my reactions to past sexual relationships - "obligated" more than "enjoyed". And sexual relationships have always felt like I had to give something up of myself whether it was my time, my personal interests, or whatever else the moment of sex was taking me away from.

[AWhiteGyrfalcon]

I, like many who struggle to accept myself being "different", finally found my "home" and a label for myself.

I don't always support the idea of labels - but they can help when you are growing up trying to understand yourself, especially if you're hopes, dreams, desire and sexuality are devleoping different to everyone else.

I'm now 30 and like many kinda realised I was different - I never really grew to like boys or girls as anything more then friends, I had the occasional romantic crush on a boy or girl but that was all...loved ones passed me off as a "late developer" despite the fact all the physical gear developed on cue...I got to my 20s, started to go on the odd date, but never really found a boyfriend, as I identified as straight..but had no real interest in retaining a boyfriend or growing the bond more then a few dates and casual friendship...I started to be aware that perhaps I was never going to find a mate - as I'd always longed for one, I'm a mate for life type of girl really. So I've always romantically wanted "the one" and thought I was just waiting for him to show up...fairy tales and love of fiction ruined me I think lol and ruin many of us. "The happy eve after" myth is well and truly having an affect on me and many others no doubt.

So i went along on my way, largely okay with being single and independant, happy to just have myself and close friends. I started to think i was just born to be celibate. I have always admired strong single celibate woman - Jane Austin to name one..Queen Elizabeth the 1st etc.

Then 2 and a bit, maybe 3 years ago - I saw a doco on telly about an aesexual girl - she found an aesexual boyfriend overseas - and they came together on the show. It was the first time I'd ever heard about asexuality and that such a thing existed. Immediately I identified and thought maybe this is who i am..this explains me and my sexuality to a T. A month later, another current affairs show did a story on a group of aesexuals that meet up a few times a year and formed "cuddle groups". So I began to explore and research aesexuality.

SO my journey has collimated in my identify as a Grey Romantic Ace - I still long for a long term aesexual mate I can bond to and love, be with, make a life together. But am happy single and independent as well knowing who I am and making aesexual friends online.

Anyway tis is my little story.

PS _ have enjoyed reading everyone else's stories above - your all so honest and open! I respect that and you all!

[TheLivingGhost]

Growing up I was always a shy person, during those adolescent years when everyone was experimenting with eachother I just couldn't understand what the big deal was. And being very scientific in nature I set out to see for myself what the big deal was. I didn't enjoy it, even though by my peer's standards my partner was a fairly attractive girl, I simply didn't enjoy it. I tried time and again relationship after relationship to see if I could find someone who could pique my interest but to no avail. I started to wonder if perhaps I wasn't attracted to women at all and even tried experimenting with men but there was no satisfaction there either. To a certain degree I felt a level of attraction to all these people but never did I feel any real desire to have sex with them. Many of my partners told me there was something wrong with me even though I was only trying to please them, and in truth I believed them. It really wasn't until I was 24 (I'm 25 now) that I began to think of myself as an asexual person, never having heard the term before (at least in relation to people) nor considering it a real possiblity prior. I randomly google searched it one day and sure enough there was a link to this page. Truthfully, I'm not sure how I feel. All I've ever wanted was to find someone I could connect with on a meaningful level, having done a bit of formal research I guess I would consider myself demiromantic. It's just nice to know that there are other people out there who feel similarly, and that I'm not abnormal. I'm just myself and thats all I can be.

[Octtave]

Contrary to many people here, i use to have an interest to sex and a sexual drive, since an early age. In my early teens, I was already heavily sexualisez (you can guess my ethnic background by this, I guess) and used to hang out with other girls and put an heavy pressure on ourselves to have sex at 14.

Then, I decided to remain celibate because I thought sex was disgusting. Yet, I wanted to find love and had an on and off relationship with a sexual boy was told me he was fine with it but still, wanted to have sex. I learned very early about the term "asexual" went on the Aven site for my country and started talking to others. To be fair, I still struggle with putting any time of label on my sexuality. I have never been a sexual person, I have a very low libido and my daily medication has made things even worse. I feel attracted to people, regardless of their gender, and have been dated even once I knew I was asexual. I came out years ago, as long as coming out as non-straight (even tho I date men) and have only received pressure, mockery, humilation from my family and others. People keep telling me how come I didn't have a boyfriend or have sex since I'm 16, making fun of me because of my lack of sexual experience, setting me on dates to "fix me", asking me if I am a lesbian (I'm attracted to women, and i was before I became asexual), telling me that I better find a husband before I hit 25, telling me that I'm the lowest of the low because a woman's worth is the man she is with and since I don't have one, I'm worthless.

Hence why I want to feel normal, and struggle so much to accept that I'm not. I don't want sex and that's not really ok for me. Not having a normal sexuality is an heavy weight and one of the reason I put pressure on myself. I pretend that I'm an heavily sexual person and my physical appearance doesn't help, I pretend that sex is easy and cool and not really meaningful, I pretend to enjoy it and hide that I'm asexual from the people I date, because I don't want to scare them away. Since I like them, I want to please them, and if it means having sex, then so be it. But the thing is, I don't really enjoy it. It's not disgusting, and I can feel some sexual arousal, but I'm more interested in sensual touch, if it makes sense.

On a lighter note, many of my friends are either asexual, or have a low sex drive and have not had sex in like years, so they don't really put pressure on me, which is cool.

[SGhost]

I'm still trying to figure myself out. I found out about asexuality through some fanfiction sites that had stories with asexual characters in them, and though I didn't strictly identify with any of them, I felt like it was a lot closer than anything else I had heard of. I've been starting to do some research, and now that I've found that there are so many different ways to identify as asexual, I think that I may belong to one of those sub-categories.

But then I'm still afraid that maybe I'm trying too hard to label myself. I was a victim of repetitive molestation as a child and young teen, and when I finally told my mom about that I also told her about how I've never been sexually attracted to someone and she told me that they are probably related and that as I get over what was done to me I'll be more comfortable with people like that. But I have even fallen in love once, and I trusted her more than anyone I've ever trusted and she knew all my secrets (and she's bisexual, so it's not like she was unavailable to me) and while I did think about having sex with her, it was never for my own gratification-- I just know that sex was very important to her.

So really, I'm still just trying to find myself and figure out if the thought of anyone near my genitals making me nauseous and nervous is part of an orientation or repressed anxiety from when I was younger. But I'm still only 19, so I have a while to figure it out, and it's nice to know that if it is something that's a permanent part of me, that there are other people out there who are similar.

[Niichan]

I've always been off set by sex. The thought of it, the actions of it. It's just never been for me. But I never questioned it.. I would just occupy my time with other things that I enjoyed. But recently I heard about asexuality - and it just clicked.

Now that it has a " term " or " label " doesn't make a difference. But it's nice to know that there's other people out there who feel the same, for whatever reasons.

Asexuals unite!

[heavenlydark]

Aha! There is finally a label (not that I'm into labels- normally hate them when applied to people - but they are quite handy when trying to explain to people) to describe parts of me!

Such relief! And then, I found a whole community of people who are like me? WHAT? The wonder....

I went from thinking I was a closeted bisexual to identifying as asexual (mostly...still figuring out a lot of things). And the best thing is realizing that there should be no expectation for me to ever have sex. There is nothing wrong with me - this is who I am, and that is awesome.

I'm ridiculously happy about this.

There are a lot of things 'wrong' with me. I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was young, I have mild aspergers, I have a long standing struggle with school, etc. When I was in first grade I told my mom I had a crush because that's what little girls did. They have crushes.

I didn't really like that boy.

And all throughout my teenage years (that I'm nearing the end of) I've never been attracted to anyone. But I didn't really acknoledge that I might not be straight. Only recently after several conversations with people expecting me to have a boyfriend did I realize I might not be 'normal.'

I identify as asexual to myself and one friend. But I'm scared to tell my family because I can tell how it will go down. My mom will say something like "I didn't want for you to be alone." She will think that it's a problem and I don't know how to say it. There is so much stress going on that discovering my asexuality is more of a curse; it will only add on to the household stress... I feel like I'm all alone and I'm really scared. Does anybody have advice?

I feel you. I haven't told anyone yet, because I know both my parents expect me to get married (and sex is part of that expectation) just so I won't be alone. But at the same time, I'd rather deal with them asking me why I don't have a boyfriend,ect, ect, then dealing with them overreacting to something being "wrong" with me. I've just decided to not say anything until much later on in life when hopefully i'm not as closely tied to their household. I don't know if that helps you or not... :/

Slayspawn, you are not alone. *sends hug*

[Ceb]

I am not broken......

I originally posted this at 2 am after first discovering this community and that was really all that was going through my mind. After a restful night I am able to say that I am happy to have stumbled across this community. Last night on facebook I found a site that was labed 7 interesting facts about sex and decided just to see what it had to say. One of the facts listed was that 1% of ppl (not sure if it was america itself or not) associated themselves as asexual. Well this caught my eye because being in the medical field I have of course read about asexual reproduction so I was curious what this meant. After doing some research I found this community and began doing more reading. As I did so I felt as though I was reading about certain aspects of myself. My whole being began to scream "YES! this is it, there is nothing wrong with me, I'm not broken, there i a whole group of people who think as I do." I've had people tell me maybe I haven't found the right person, I myself have considered maybe there is a mental or medical reason. My whole life I've gone through all the what-ifs the maybe or perhapses that I'm sure many of you have. I'm still exploring this concept right now but I can say that at this moment I really feel as if I have found a group of people I can relate to and that for once I don't have to think that there is something wrong with me. It is a huge relief.

[Nemi]

I don't know if I am asexual or not. I don't care about sex, I find myself occassionally attracted to my partner in a sexual way but for the most part I am not interested in having sex. I have never looked at anyone and had that supposed lustful surge I hear other people talking about. This is of course problematic as it leaves him feeling rejected and leaves me feeling like it is some horrible chore I have to perform to keep him happy. Knowing there are other people out there like me doesn't provide me with relief, it is more burdensome to know this is something that I most likely can't change about myself. We have a wonderful relationship in all ways apart from our sex life. This is something he tolerates and he doesn't pressure me about it but as I am not an overly affectionate person anyway it is hard to know whether what I feel is asexuality or if it is something else.