I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[LeChat]

On 4/18/2022 at 8:40 PM, ﾕｰｻﾞｰﾈｰﾑ said:

Hi folks! First time poster ace newbie here...

Hello. Welcome! 

[QuietQuail]

On 11/25/2012 at 7:23 PM, alison_alice said:

I had mixed feelings. Initially I was really, really upset because I felt like all of my life plans (i.e. wife and mother) had been destroyed. At the same time, I felt sort of relieved, too that asexuality was an actual thing. I mean, I think I should have realized something was up when I was literally calculating how times I'd probably have to have sex to get the amount of kids I wanted (always wanted multiples; less sex, more kids XD). Currently, I'm still not totally comfortable/at peace with my asexuality, but I feel much more positively about it than I did before, and I feel like I understand myself so much more. It's helped me realign my priorities (I don't even want kids or marriage anymore, lol), but at the same time it's made me sort of hyperaware of how I physically interact with other people which can be...uncomfortable at times. So sort of a mixed bag for me.

This is almost 100% me in a nutshell! Though I am still open to marriage in the future, I’m not sure if I actually ever wanted kids for myself or just as a way to unconsciously pass as “normal.”

 

When I first finally realized I was ace, it was quite literally an instant feeling of comfort and new understanding. Suddenly, I made sense to myself. It’s definitely caused some issues and some anxiety since then, but that first realization was wonderful. It was like meeting the REAL me for the first time in my life. 

[Frogster]

On 4/18/2022 at 6:40 PM, ﾕｰｻﾞｰﾈｰﾑ said:

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Hi,well said. Thank you for taking the time to write...and welcome. I don't know how to offer the cake that is traditional here but welcome. I hope you come back.

[will123]

2 hours ago, QuietQuail said:

This is almost 100% me in a nutshell! Though I am still open to marriage in the future, I’m not sure if I actually ever wanted kids for myself or just as a way to unconsciously pass as “normal.”

 

When I first finally realized I was ace, it was quite literally an instant feeling of comfort and new understanding. Suddenly, I made sense to myself. It’s definitely caused some issues and some anxiety since then, but that first realization was wonderful. It was like meeting the REAL me for the first time in my life. 

This resonates with me. In my early 20s, I knew I didn't want to get married or father any children. Mind you I wished I could have a 'girl friend'. And yes when I found out about asexuality when I was in my 40s, I felt so wonderful!   

[PDC]

I think I’ve always known I was different but I figured I was probably repressing being gay. I thought I was gay when I was younger (I didn’t like girls and felt strong connections to some of my male friends) so I figured gay was the best label. But I’ve always hated sex, and found every attempt ended badly. When I told my family they really struggled (Australian-Italian Catholics who went to see a priest for advice about my “situation”). For the longest time i didn’t know how much of my hatred of sex was just me and how much was their voices in my head being disappointed in me but when I’m only 6 months from being 40 and I can count all my failed sexual encounters that I’ve hated on one hand, I figure it has always been me. 
 

It’s kinda got to the point where I am 39, and the longest relationship I’ve ever had is with my cat. I’m happier now in some ways that I know I’m not just messed up, but it really hurts sometimes to feel so alone. 
 

Knowing I’m asexual - and now only recently working out I’m probably homoromantic takes away some questions but I feel even more isolated now. It’s hard feeling like there isn’t much hope I’ll find someone like me and just feeling like there is no purpose to my life. I spent my whole life wanting to be in a relationship, I wanted to be straight for so long and find a wife and have kids. Then when I feel like I finally accepted I was probably gay, I wanted to meet someone and be in a relationship. Now I feel like I’m 39, lost, and don’t know how to find someone to be with. 
 

Sorry to be a downer but while I feel relieved now to understand homoromanticism is, it is sad to feel like it’s just a label that doesn’t help me get any closer to feeling like I belong. 
 

I have to say - being able to say all this anonymously is pretty cool. It’s about the most honest I’ve ever been in my life and at least it feels cathartic to say this to a computer screen. 

[LeChat]

@PDC Hi. Welcome! 

 

Thanks, for sharing your thoughts, experiences, etc.

 

If it helps, AVEN has a homoromantic guys chat thread, in case you'd like to browse or find others who might have similar feelings and experiences.

[AWishFish]

On 5/11/2021 at 12:24 AM, will123 said:

@AWishFish Welcome to AVEN from Canada 

Thank you 😊

[kingscross]

I was a "late bloomer" in that I didn't develop any curiosity about sex whatsoever until I was in my early 20s. I joined a dating app and proceeded to have a long string of terrible experiences LOL. I met my ex-boyfriend on the same app, and we were together about 2.5 years. By the end of that relationship, I'd realized most of the issues we were having in the bedroom were due to my complete lack of interest in sex. I was also diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum around the same time frame. I'm still trying to work out for myself if the problems I have with relationships and sexuality are rooted in my autism, possible asexuality, or a combination of the two. It's all very confusing. I want children someday, I find men and women physically attractive, but the idea of actually having sex again makes me frown.

[LeChat]

@kingscross Hi. Welcome! 

[meloxalis]

In high school, dating and sexual crushes was discussed openly among my friends. It felt like it was the only bridge connecting my friendships. I thought they felt this way due to seeing it often on TV shows, so I played along and laughed to all the dirty jokes they said. Later on, I figured out that it wasn't the case, and it was something people really experienced. 

 

My friends viewed me as someone who is thoughtful, supportive, and caring towards others no matter their past or insecurities. But this is due to me believing that no human is perfect, and that is ok as long as you are happy and living life to the fullest. This was how I am, and it wasn't for attracting or flirting with someone. 

 

People (no matter the gender and sexuality) have tried physically escalating with me to either date or hook up because they think that I am acting hard to get. But I wasn't interested in the dating scene, and I really wanted to focus on my hobbies in clubs at school. 

 

People tried to figure out if I was straight, gay, bisexual, etc. I felt confused, lost, and misaligned. This gave off the message that there was something wrong with me. I kept seeing angry, crying, and disappointed faces whenever I told them how I felt. I hated breaking many heartfelt feelings. So I tossed my feelings and thoughts under the bed to avoid conflict and keep others happy in return.

 

When I realized that I was asexual, I felt calm and could finally breathe a sigh of relief knowing who I am. 

[LeChat]

@meloxalis Interesting! Thanks, for sharing your experiences.

[Ambie or AJ]

For a long time I wondered why I felt grossed out by the human body. I felt  judgemental, unloving and unkind. But I realized the reason I felt grossed out wasn't because I find peoples bodies disgusting,  I was just uncomfortable because when I would see them, I would think about intimate things, and so I attributed not wanting sex with anybody, to me just hating body parts. I now also realize, I find the human body beautiful, just in a different way and preferably with clothes on. (Actually definitely with clothes on.) I never would have thought this could be me, as I am a big romantic and often daydream about having a s/o, yet when someone has reciprocated romantic feelings towards me, I immediately get uncomfortable. I am still so nervous with identifying as aro-ace because I have always found it hard to identify my feelings towards people I care about and commonly mistake my feelings of adoration and affection as romantic and sexual. But I don't want that in real life. In movies I love it, In period dramas with dramatic dancing in the rain and delicate hand holding, I love it.  Honestly I wish I wanted a romantic relationship because it seems so warm and lovely. 

And maybe I can still be with someone who also is heavily affectionate and loves physical touch in a different way like me. But until someone pops up in my room with those exact requirements, cuddly and clingy and warm WITHOUT THE OTHER THING. I'm gonna be aro-ace. (This was all over the place because I just recently was able to validate my own wants and so I'm still learning, but yea-)

[MinnieMouse]

I'm not sure I'd ever discovered the term asexuality if I hadn't been more and more disturbed by the fact that I'd never had sex. Most of my friends had been in sexual relationships for ages, and I started to wondering what was wrong with me. It wasn't actually the lack of sex that bothered me – but the norm that told me that I should've had sex and that I should want it. In fact, I was totally uninterested in sex and even found it gross. I didn't understand how I could still feel that way. I was almost 34 so I couldn't just be a "late bloomer", could I? 

 

I don't remember where I first read about asexuality, but my first thought was "no, I can't be asexual". The reason I was thinking this was the website telling me that asexuality was only about sexual attraction, and not about libido or sexual behaviour. I have never felt sexual attraction, but I also have a very low libido and I have no interest in participating in any sexual activity. what so ever. Then I searched for some more information and came by a website (it could've been AVEN, I'm not sure) where I found out that asexuality is a spectrum and that there were many ways to identify as an asexual. When I first heard being sex repulsed was actually a thing and not only me being weird or immature, it was just "yup, that's me". I signed up on AVEN, became a member of a Swedish ace group on Facebook, and I was relieved since I wasn't "the only one" anymore. 

[LeChat]

@Ambie or AJ Hello. Welcome! 

[Caimon]

Growing up, I never had sexual thoughts or feelings. Never done masturbation or anything. Allot of my former friends in RL left me due to my views. 

 

I get very uncomfortable in sexual talk and when people talk about waifus and other weird sexual things. Is that normal?

 

I also have a fear of sex. Mainly I been harassed online when I was younger by older people.

[WanderingPurpleDragon]

So, it happened in stages for me. The first time I heard about asexuality was when I was in high school. A part of me knew then that I was asexual but I denied it. Instead, I would just tell myself that something was wrong that I had to fix or that I just wasn't ready yet. I went back and forth a lot over the years until recently.

 

I was in a place where I hated so much about myself that I thought I should consult with a doctor and see if I was fixable. But it was during this that I decided to research asexuality again. This time, I felt relief. Though I still doubt myself about what it is I'm feeling, due to the fact that I often invalidate my feelings in various circumstances. But I also feel happy because I finally am learning to accept myself more.

 

I also feel alone. I've told only two people and, while they are understanding, I am afraid to tell anyone else. There are a lot of people who love me, I know, but this is something I doubt a lot of them will understand.

 

I also feel scared. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of but I am afraid. Maybe of how the world will see me? Or maybe there is something terrifying about being myself?

 

However, I'm also finally learning more about my different emotions and am gaining deeper insight into what it is I want and need in life. So, I'm hopeful that this realization will help me grow.

[Elly49]

Mijn eerste reactie was: ik ben dus toch niet zo anders. Door toeval kwam ik het woord aseksualiteit tegen in een boek. Toen pas vielen de puzzelstukjes langzaam in elkaar.( Moest eerst opzoeken wat het was)

Omdat ik alleen ben, vroeg iemand me of ik de sex niet miste... Nou uhm helemaal niet. Voor mij niet dat niet. Daar snapte ze niks van. 

En ik eigenlijk nog minder. 

 

Vaak ben ik eenzaam, heb hier ook nooit met iemand besproken, want ja hoe leg je dat nou uit?

Ik ben heel blij dat ik hier terecht ben gekomen en hoe meer over mezelf te leren. 

Misschien wel vriendschappen, waar je gewoon jezelf kan zijn en begrepen wordt.

 

Edited June 6, 2022 by Elly49
Verkeerd woord

[Elly49]

De laatste zin zwangerschap is dus begrepen🤭 dit veranderde vanzelf 

[LeChat]

@Elly49 Hi! Welcome! 

 

Here's AVEN's Alternate Language forum, if you're interested: Alternate Language Forum - Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)

[Calliers]

@Elly49 Hi there and welcome to AVEN!  🍰 🍰 🍰

[Gordianot]

Hello, I am older and did not know about asexuality until recently. I looked it up briefly to understand all the letters. I thought maybe I fit in there, but it all got too confusing and I just didn’t have the spoons to do the introspection work. Most of my friends are LGTBQIA+. It is Pride month again and I felt the need to research the definitions a bit more. I thought I might be asexual and felt the need to know more. After reading the definition, the TOS here and a bit more, I created an account. After reading several of the posts, I teared up! I found people like me. Maybe I am statistically unusual, but I am not broken! Can it be true?
 

I have been struggling with labeling myself because I have childhood sexual trauma (and other, later sexual traumas) and have been trying to figure out if I am actually ace or if my trauma molded my mind and behaviors.

I am broken from so much trauma. I am angry at the doctors for trying to ‘fix’ me with meds—causing mental break-down. I am angry at multiple therapists that tell me that my lack of interest in sex is a problem to be fixed—they think that if I overcome my traumas, I should magically want sex or be attracted sexually to someone (preferably my husband). 
 

I have finally come to the conclusion that the childhood incident did not make me this way. In discussions with my mother, I have discovered that she probably aligns ace. Maybe it is partly genetic?

 

Many of my traumas are partly self-made by trying to fit the mold and follow societal expectations. Situations I found myself in led to more sexual traumas. I had a child, got married, but got to the point that I could not handle the pressure for sex and did everything I could to avoid spending time with my husband.

 

Couples counseling brought out that I was the issue. (Counselor pushed for sex therapy for me.) In deeper talking with my husband, we worked out a sexless marriage because we took vows and are still close friends. It’s not ideal romantically/sexually for either of us, but we are there for each other.

 

I am sad and very much wish I had known that being asexual was a valid orientation and a real ‘thing.’ I could have avoided so much pain and sadness for myself and others (particularly my husband).

[will123]

Welcome to AVEN from Canada .

 

Hopefully you can converse with others here that have dealt with similar events as you.

 

The last paragraph resonates with me that while I didn't have any terrible events before I found out about asexuality (when I was 44, 60 now) there were things that happened that wouldn't have had I known I was ace. On the other hand I might've shut myself off to friendship with members of the opposite sex.

[LeChat]

@Gordianot Hi. Welcome! 

 

Thanks, for sharing that. I'm sorry for what you've been through.

 

If you're ever interested in chatting with others around your age, there's an Older Asexuals forum.

[Ace_Reporter]

OK so ... I'm still trying to figure out how I fit in around here because I seem to be different from a lot of Aces and that's OK too.

In addition to being gray ace, I'm also this thing I think is called Agosexual where you may have a very active fantasy life, but there's a disconnect when it comes to it actually being real.

I also am attracted to men, aesthetically.

So until last week, I thought I was just a straight girl who couldn't get a date, LOL.

Add to that, my roommate is gay, I literally live in gay culture, I have Ru Paul and "Trixie Motel" streaming behind me 24/7 ... and we know how sexualized that culture is.

Said gay roommate once told me he thought I was asexual. I said no, because I was attracted to men. (I now know it was more correct to say I find men attractive.)

I've always felt so at home in the LGBT plus community that it almost was like I was part of it. Turns out, I was.

[Ace_Reporter]

15 hours ago, Gordianot said:

Hello, I am older and did not know about asexuality until recently. I looked it up briefly to understand all the letters. I thought maybe I fit in there, but it all got too confusing and I just didn’t have the spoons to do the introspection work. Most of my friends are LGTBQIA+. It is Pride month again and I felt the need to research the definitions a bit more. I thought I might be asexual and felt the need to know more. After reading the definition, the TOS here and a bit more, I created an account. After reading several of the posts, I teared up! I found people like me. Maybe I am statistically unusual, but I am not broken! Can it be true?
 

I have been struggling with labeling myself because I have childhood sexual trauma (and other, later sexual traumas) and have been trying to figure out if I am actually ace or if my trauma molded my mind and behaviors.

I am broken from so much trauma. I am angry at the doctors for trying to ‘fix’ me with meds—causing mental break-down. I am angry at multiple therapists that tell me that my lack of interest in sex is a problem to be fixed—they think that if I overcome my traumas, I should magically want sex or be attracted sexually to someone (preferably my husband). 
 

I have finally come to the conclusion that the childhood incident did not make me this way. In discussions with my mother, I have discovered that she probably aligns ace. Maybe it is partly genetic?

 

Many of my traumas are partly self-made by trying to fit the mold and follow societal expectations. Situations I found myself in led to more sexual traumas. I had a child, got married, but got to the point that I could not handle the pressure for sex and did everything I could to avoid spending time with my husband.

 

Couples counseling brought out that I was the issue. (Counselor pushed for sex therapy for me.) In deeper talking with my husband, we worked out a sexless marriage because we took vows and are still close friends. It’s not ideal romantically/sexually for either of us, but we are there for each other.

 

I am sad and very much wish I had known that being asexual was a valid orientation and a real ‘thing.’ I could have avoided so much pain and sadness for myself and others (particularly my husband).

I think you might find AceDadAdvice on YouTube very helpful. He gets into how useless it is to try to figure out why you are ace, how it is its own orientation and that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter why, it just is what it is. Some of us got this way because of trauma, others of us got there because of other reasons and others still don't know.

[Calliers]

@Gordianot  Hi and welcome to AVEN!  🍰 🍰 🍰

[will123]

3 hours ago, GrACEFully said:

I said no, because I was attracted to men. (I now know it was more correct to say I find men attractive.)

I know the feeling. Since I found women attractive and had a few as friends over the years, I figured I was straight. However I never dated in high school and knew in my early 20s that I didn't want a girlfriend, but enjoyed their company.

[Ace_Reporter]

Will, I describe myself as "Straight Up Gray Ace" for that reason.

I had a family member peg me as a lesbian because In hung out with gays ... gay MEN! Because they are harmless, don't objectify me, and don't exhibit "toxic masculinity."

 

[BeADreamer]

Hi! I’m not new here, but I remember the feelings I had when I was first realizing I was ace. I was 18 (currently 23), and I remembered panicking a lot about it BECAUSE it made sense to me. Just because I had thought of myself as straight for so long. It was a bit of an identity crisis. I’d always had LGBT+ friends, so I was always the token straight friend. And I was raised in a household where while you treat people of different sexual orientations with respect, it’s not ok to BE not straight. And I’d had one crush, which was enough to justify to myself that I was straight - even though it felt weird to me when other people called me straight. Like if that label were a sweater, I could get it on, but it wasn’t quite the right size.
 

And then after I got used to thinking about myself as ace, I then started doubting it repeatedly because what if THIS feeling is sexual attraction? (Up until relatively recently, I had really bad anxiety if I had to talk to anyone who was male and remotely my age - regardless of whether I thought they were aesthetically attractive). It was hard for me to feel like I was really ace when I couldn’t understand what it was that I wasn’t supposed to be feeling. And then after a while I exhausted myself and just decided that if I can’t figure out what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like, I’m definitely ace. Because every allo friend I’ve spoken with has no issue identifying when they feel sexual attraction. And then I felt like I belonged somewhere, and my confidence grew.

[LeChat]

@BeADreamer Hi! Thanks, for sharing your thoughts.