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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


Lady Girl

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Just now, AceMissBehaving said:

I was kind of the same way. I have a dirty joke for every occasion, and an encyclopedic knowledge of weird sex stuff, and yet here we are! 

X2 I guess it was because of what I was exposed to and trying to blend in so to speak.

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animatedpassions

I'm new to the site but I've identified as asexual for a few years now since college after thinking for a while that I was Demi maybe. Then I realized I was Ace with no intention for sex and getting pregnant, and it was one less thing to worry about. 

My mom wasn't happy at first but she said okay, as long as it's not sex with girls cuz then I would 'damn my soul' for that. Even though, she still brings up the idea of me personally giving her grandkids from my body, which is just a no. She's in denial and 'no' Doctor, I'm not 'saving myself for marriage' just because I still haven't had sex. 

I haven't met another Ace ever. Either online or in person and I want to know more about this sexuality. What's its like for others and how they deal with criticism for just being themselves. 

I'm just trying to figure out myself and life and where I go from that. 

Hello, what about you? 

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Welcome to AVEN :cake: :)

 

I'm only out as aro ace to several close friends. They're fine with me identifying as such. I haven't told family yet as they aren't exactly LGBT+ (even though I don't feel part of that community) friendly and I know that they would react badly.

 

I have been told that I am gay because I've never had a girlfriend. The fact that I have no interest in sex with a person of either gender would be absolutely baffling to them.

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Hello everyone!.. 

I just joined today and I am really happy to have found this community. I can relate to many people here, as long as I remember I knew that I am not interested in having sex. I am from a culture where sex usually happen after marriage and we don't have a different dating culture (we mostly date only with the intention of marrying). So I easily labeled myself as "I am not interested in marrying".  Even if I was interested in a romantic relationship, I didn't accept to go out with any guy because I felt guilty about it. 

Long story short, after a serious break up recently, I started googling. That's when I came across this term, which lead me to this community. I am glad to know that I am not the only one who feel this way. 
Nice to meet you all!.. 

Edited by risingko
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I first saw the word in a Twitter correspondent's bio, and thought "A new word...!"

Looked it up, and thought "Holy Crap, that's me...!"

& the pieces fell into place

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I think I am only just understanding something I knew all along. I hadn't really realized there was a term for it. I thought it was weird that high school is always described as a time where people were at a peak of sexual interest.  I never really felt it. Potentially fantasized, but the actual desire to have sex with another person wasn't there. Reading the "FAQ" page had left me with feelings of realization and confirmation. I finally understand my confusion when talking to sexual people. I never understood their drive and their need for partners. I felt happy for them, but never the desire to have the same thing for myself. I also now understand why sexual people have found me a little weird being perfectly happy and satisfied to not be in a relationship.  I may find later that I am demiasexual, I can see in the future finding the right person that I can connect to and potentially have a sexual relationship. But sex just isn't my driving factor. Thank you for the information. 

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I'm relieved but still confused. I just had this notion yesterday. It makes sense, it makes a lot of sense, and I feel like my life would be so much more easy if I could be Asexual. It would be beautiful if I could have fulfilling romantic relationships without ever having to have sex again. But I'm in my 20's and this is happening now. My brother, a very promiscuous person by comparison, once asked me if I was Ace. When I laughed it off he asked if I was sure.  I don't enjoy sex, I don't want to have it and I don't see attractive people and think about sex with them. Cuddling sure, but nothing that requires undressing. By that simple definition it would seem I am a romantic asexual. Finding another romantic asexual and building up our intellectual and emotional intimacy and eventually adopting kids sounds idyllic right now. I know I don't want to be alone. I just always assumed I'd have to be alone until I was willing to have sex. 

 

So many other things complicate it for me though. I have a phobia of men, I have had sexual trauma, and men are very much attracted to me in that way. I have been pursued by men since college, as if I was a pin-up girl in the flesh. How do I know that I'm not just trying to get away from all that drama and pressure. 

 

I like to dance, I like to flirt. I like to use my body and look pretty, but I don't intend nor do I want any of those things to lead to sex. If one is sexual, it's not okay to behave that way. You are labeled a tease and there's a threat of punishment. If I was asexual, the reason for that behavior might make a lot more sense.  So I wish I could just accept that I'm asexual, but it feels complicated and confusing to me.

 

Was anyone else uncertain when they figured it out, or take some time to reach a conclusion? Was anyone else afraid they wouldn't fit or belong? With my anxiety, I worry about everything so I'm sorry if I sound wishy-washy. 

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On 1/22/2020 at 12:29 PM, AceOHearts said:

I'm relieved but still confused. I just had this notion yesterday. It makes sense, it makes a lot of sense, and I feel like my life would be so much more easy if I could be Asexual. It would be beautiful if I could have fulfilling romantic relationships without ever having to have sex again. But I'm in my 20's and this is happening now. My brother, a very promiscuous person by comparison, once asked me if I was Ace. When I laughed it off he asked if I was sure.  I don't enjoy sex, I don't want to have it and I don't see attractive people and think about sex with them. Cuddling sure, but nothing that requires undressing. By that simple definition it would seem I am a romantic asexual. Finding another romantic asexual and building up our intellectual and emotional intimacy and eventually adopting kids sounds idyllic right now. I know I don't want to be alone. I just always assumed I'd have to be alone until I was willing to have sex. 

 

So many other things complicate it for me though. I have a phobia of men, I have had sexual trauma, and men are very much attracted to me in that way. I have been pursued by men since college, as if I was a pin-up girl in the flesh. How do I know that I'm not just trying to get away from all that drama and pressure. 

 

I like to dance, I like to flirt. I like to use my body and look pretty, but I don't intend nor do I want any of those things to lead to sex. If one is sexual, it's not okay to behave that way. You are labeled a tease and there's a threat of punishment. If I was asexual, the reason for that behavior might make a lot more sense.  So I wish I could just accept that I'm asexual, but it feels complicated and confusing to me.

 

Was anyone else uncertain when they figured it out, or take some time to reach a conclusion? Was anyone else afraid they wouldn't fit or belong? With my anxiety, I worry about everything so I'm sorry if I sound wishy-washy. 

That's terrible that you have had those experiences. 

 

I think the myth that we equate wanting to feel confident and attractive means we also want a sexual encounter is often used by people who undermine another person's body autonomy for their own self benefit. This is where slut-shaming comes in. Sexuality doesn't matter to those people. But a person doesn't have a slutty body. That doesn't exist. And no matter what the behavior there are no guarantees that flirting or bonding leads to sexual encounters. That is NOT body autonomy, that's a sexual contract you did not agree to.  A "good time" means something different to everyone. Flirting is fun. It's also stimulating for some people. It doesn't mean you have to act on it. 

 

Feeling attractive without having to give someone else something for noticing it is what body autonomy is about. You don't owe anyone for being or feeling attractive to them. Finding comfort in your body doesn't mean you have to show someone else a good time to prove it or acknowledge it. Your body and your well being is not a reward and sacrifice respectively for someone who notices you or pays attention to you. 

 

We can also just be.

 

But you are right. That threat of punishment or admonishment for behavior deemed as "too enticing" rather than them being "too demanding" or having built a "contract" in their head, or recognizing their own willingness to rob you of your own individuality and body autonomy rights because of their selfishness is not okay, but it is common, more so for women and girls. This is sexism and misogyny. And no matter the sexuality, this is the view. It was perpetuated by media for a long time too. We owe it to ourselves to not engage in that perspective or with people of that mindset. 

 

But it puts women at risk for harm more than men. It makes us seem like the bad guy for simply being and wanting to be. We don't exist at the expense of men. We exist for the same reasons they do. And we should have the same freedoms to enjoy our lives as they do without harming others. As asexuals it is harder for us to respond to interest because we have to say we don't engage in sexual activities because we don't have that desire to. This is difficult for any sexual to grasp and is a struggle for some LGBTQAI folks too. 

 

You may want relief from all the drama. But it also might be that you are Ace, AND are tired of all the sexual people giving you too much attention because they do want that and for us that is hard to comprehend so it can feel overwhelmingly unfair. 

 

No matter what you find out about your sexuality, you have a supportive atmosphere here. And we get it. I'm lithosexual. I told my friends' niece and she laughed at me. Not because she didn't believe me but because she thought that was hilarious. This didn't hurt my feelings. But it made me realize that there are people out there that would laugh in my face about that. It doesn't make my sexuality any less valid. No one is going to make me do anything I don't want to do. I'm thirty. I don't have time for that shit. 

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1 hour ago, Miggs said:

Feeling attractive without having to give someone else something for noticing it is what body autonomy is about. You don't owe anyone for being or feeling attractive to them. Finding comfort in your body doesn't mean you have to show someone else a good time to prove it or acknowledge it. Your body and your well being is not a reward and sacrifice respectively for someone who notices you or pays attention to you

Dear Miggs,

 

Thank you for that long and thought provoking response. I so appreciate hearing a viewpoint on my situation that is not a sexual viewpoint and one that is so validating. 
 

I am not sexually attracted to people and I don’t like having sex. For whatever that means, thanks for affirming that it’s okay to be that way and I don’t have to sacrifice anything for it. I think I really needed to hear that.

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23 hours ago, AceOHearts said:

Dear Miggs,

 

Thank you for that long and thought provoking response. I so appreciate hearing a viewpoint on my situation that is not a sexual viewpoint and one that is so validating. 
 

I am not sexually attracted to people and I don’t like having sex. For whatever that means, thanks for affirming that it’s okay to be that way and I don’t have to sacrifice anything for it. I think I really needed to hear that.

Yeah I know my post was quite long. But, I hope you can feel that supportive atmosphere here. That's why we discuss topics like this online. 

 

Also, Welcome to the community! Have some cake.

 

devils-food-cake.jpg?itok=arr2Uiqb

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I am almost 43, and I never heard the term asexual used outside of a biology class until this week. In fact, when I read it in someone’s FB post, I had to look it up because I knew that was not the context of her use of the word. I also knew that describes me spot on! I have rolled my eyes for years when my parents suggest I just haven’t met “the one” and I shouldn’t be “so cynical.” 🙄 I never thought there could be other people who feel like I do. 💜

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Even though I know I identify with asexuality, it doesn't stop the broken feeling. While I'm surfing asexuality pages or groups, I feel like I belong and I relate with things more than I ever have with anything else, but then I think about my personal life. I've always known that the one thing I need from life is a partner, someone who supports me and who I support, someone I can share my life with. But these days sex is such a huge thing in society, and when I bring up my asexuality it's such a clear shift for them. Is there a way for me to still achieve sex in order to keep a partner? Does anyone know of any good things to try? I'm not sex-repulsed, and when I think about sex it's fine, but when it comes to the act of it I just can't bring myself to do it. I get so anxious and worked up, knowing that I need to perform, and I can't. Any advice?

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I understand what you mean, @Maddie_B. I feel pretty happy to be an aro ace, I just don't have any interest in finding a partner for any reason. Navigating the minefield of trying to find a partner while wanting to avoid sex is daunting. I can understand that it still feels like you're missing something, but at least take comfort that you're not alone.

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Hi everyone, 

I’m 33 and a virgin. I’ve never been in a relationship. Aside from a horrible internet dating experience a year ago when I was trying to ‘be normal’. 
I don’t know if I’m asexual but it fits pretty well. Just writing that has made me cry. It’s a lot to accept. 
Reading the comments about feeling broken feels pretty spot on. The world is so obsessed with sex, if you’re not obsessed too, it can be v lonely. 
X

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@Kin Welcome to AVEN :cake:

 

 

Sorry that it's hard for you. Change the age from 33 to 44 and your first sentences fit to a T for me when I found out about asexuality.

 

When I came out to a long time female friend last summer she said too that that society is over-sexed and not everyone isn't going to fit.

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Thanks Will123, it’s good to know I’m not the only one feeling like this. I’ve only just discovered what asexuality is and I think I’m kinda in denial but I think I’m probably heading towards acknowledgement. I hope things have gotten better for you. x

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6 hours ago, Kln said:

Thanks Will123, it’s good to know I’m not the only one feeling like this. I’ve only just discovered what asexuality is and I think I’m kinda in denial but I think I’m probably heading towards acknowledgement. I hope things have gotten better for you. x

On the first bold, you're not alone. I didn't linger on AVEN when I identified as asexual. It was a real relief to know why I never made an effort to be 'straight'. I only signed up a couple of years ago and jumped right into the deep end. I try to be as encouraging as possible.

 

Oh things became a lot clearer when I found out about asexuality. It was great to know (to use my terms) that there were others like me that had no interest in sex or romance. I only figured out/looked into what aromantic meant about a year ago. That fit me to a T as well.

 

Upon identifying as asexual, I could disregard a lot of stuff that had been on my mind up to then. As I (and others) have described it, it feels like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

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Selma Dos Santos Ferreira

Eu tive meus filhos pq sempre foi meu sonho, mais nunca gostei de sexo. Quando eu praticava depois me achava estranha....suja. Hoje eu tenho mais nojo do que nunca! Gosto de conversar, de beijar, de companheirismo mais de sexo não.  Hoje em dia vivo sozinha pq ninguém me entende.

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Hello everyone! I’m a college student  who identifies as aro ace (I do still find some people aesthetically pleasing) and will never want children. I’ve felt different from my peers since my early teens, but I never had a term for it until I came across AVEN in high school. Like many people before me mentioned, I never understood the appeal of sex or dating; I also find the idea of being pregnant myself disturbing for various reasons. I’d much rather have strong friendships than a boyfriend. I value independence a lot so a relationship, to me, felt like my personal freedom was being limited (tho that isn’t actually the case). I was hesitant about posting something (I’m not too fond of socializing and I’m not very tech savvy), but I also wanted to have a sense of belonging w/ other people like me. I haven’t met any other aces IRL or online, so I hope to make some friends here. I prefer brownies over cake so here you go:
brownies-22.jpg

 

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23 hours ago, Wxia4209 said:

Hello everyone! I’m a college student  who identifies as aro ace (I do still find some people aesthetically pleasing) and will never want children. I’ve felt different from my peers since my early teens, but I never had a term for it until I came across AVEN in high school. Like many people before me mentioned, I never understood the appeal of sex or dating; I also find the idea of being pregnant myself disturbing for various reasons. I’d much rather have strong friendships than a boyfriend. I value independence a lot so a relationship, to me, felt like my personal freedom was being limited (tho that isn’t actually the case). I was hesitant about posting something (I’m not too fond of socializing and I’m not very tech savvy), but I also wanted to have a sense of belonging w/ other people like me. I haven’t met any other aces IRL or online, so I hope to make some friends here. 

Welcome to Aven! I hope you find this community to be one of support and empathy.

I definitely understand the need for freedom and personal liberty with time and money. I am new to this discovery and feel everyone has their own pace. 


Friendships are incredibly important and I also prefer them over a significant other. Cheers to your self-discovery and thanks for reaching out!

 

Enjoy this cake shaped brownie!

Image result for brownies

 

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41 minutes ago, Miggs said:

Welcome to Aven! I hope you find this community to be one of support and empathy.

I definitely understand the need for freedom and personal liberty with time and money. I am new to this discovery and feel everyone has their own pace. 


Friendships are incredibly important and I also prefer them over a significant other. Cheers to your self-discovery and thanks for reaching out!

 

Enjoy this cake shaped brownie!

Image result for brownies

 

 

Thank you for the warm welcome! That looks delicious and the cookie spider is so cute. I hope to learn more about the ace spectrum and am finding the forums to be very enlightening. I know that the things I feel and the opinions towards sexuality/relationships/sex are not abnormal, but it is always nice to read about similar experiences/feelings in other people's posts. I already feel so supported just by reading and relating to them.  Have a lovely day wherever you are! 

Edited by Wxia4209
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This is my story (so far;P)
I first discovered asexuality when i was 12-13 my friend had came out to me as it and my reaction was pretty much just “oh cool”. I didn’t really think that that was me though. It wasn’t until later that I figured out oh, I might actually be ace but it didn’t seem to fit because well I wanted to get married and have kids. I wanted to have a similar relationship to my parents and had been trying to plan it out since elementary school, I was also told (a lot) that I’m simply young or that I’ll find the right person someday. So I ended up thinking to myself, maybe I’m Demi? And this was my first round of denial. Well I could be pan? Or yea I’m just Demi. Maybe I should just drop terms all together? I then figured out that no, I am not Demi or pan. I had forced myself into three relationships by the middle of my grade 9 (high school freshman) year of schooling and I had finally figured out that I am aro ace. I don’t like people in that way. This was the start of my second and worst round of denial (so far), and one that I have only very recently started to truly overcome. I had really thought to myself “I’m broken” “I don’t want to be alone” “I don’t want to be this way, why?” “Why me” “why can’t I just feel something, please”. (During this time I had also drifted away from a lot of my older, really close friends.) Honestly it would be easier to come out to my family as lesbian because they understand that. I grew up with both of my moms brothers and one of my brothers being gay so saying I like girls would be simple, but I don’t and it’s hard. (I also make A LOT of dirty jokes which didn’t help me with my crisis) I am currently only fifteen, turning sixteen this year, and yes I know that I am still young, but not having a crush seven almost eight years after the average age that you are told that you WILL be getting these feelings, makes me believe that I probably never will. Side note: I find it funny that you are always told what crushes are/what to do with them/what they mean/that they are normal, but we are never told what happens when you don’t feel that way. I have started to accept myself more now and am slowly coming to terms that I probably won’t fall in love. At least not in the way that most people do. 
Thank you for reading my post even though it was long. It’s nice to have a place to put this stuff. ❤️

Edited by Hops
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7 hours ago, Hops said:

Side note: I find it funny that you are always told what crushes are/what to do with them/what they mean/that they are normal, but we are never told what happens when you don’t feel that way.

Very true. Welcome 🍰 

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A friend actually first suggested I was asexual  several months ago and since then I just haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I don't really find anyone sexually attractive, I never have. At this point, with no pressure on me to be sexually active, I feel way happier and at peace with myself. I consider myself demisexual -if I found the right partner.

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3 minutes ago, LadyTheowin said:

A friend actually first suggested I was asexual  several months ago and since then I just haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I don't really find anyone sexually attractive, I never have. At this point, with no pressure on me to be sexually active, I feel way happier and at peace with myself. I consider myself demisexual -if I found the right partner.

Welcome to AVEN :cake:

 

That's how I felt after I figured out I was asexual and not straight. It was a huge load off my mind.

 

 

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