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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


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On 11/24/2012 at 2:25 AM, Savalon said:

After discovering all of this a few days ago, I feel like my life is ruined. Sorry to throw such a downer on this.

It's okay. Same. Sorry I have no inspirational things to say. But also I realize this post was made in 2012 and it's 2019 now, so a ~bit~ of time has passed. I hope your life feels less ruined now. Also, lol right before I posted this I scrolled up and read some other comments from people who, since realizing they are ace, fear that they will be alone forever and unfulfilled (like @watergoddesskasey) Me too. And since I'm new to this also, I have no answers or a "it will get better" message. I just wanted to say I get you. 

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Cleopatra VII

When I started suspecting that I might be asexual, I don't really know how I felt, or - still feel. I mean, I'm a practicing Christian, so I always wanted to "save myself for marriage" if I can say that, so not wanting sex/not having sex-related desires was totally ok with me and I treated it as something obvious. I never wanted to have sex with people that were interested in me (or rather, sleeping with me because as soon as I announced that I'm not interested in sleeping with them, they seemed to disappear). I also didn't feel comfortable when they were "hitting on me" because it was... quite gorss (at least to me, at that time. It was too blunt and too direct).

Frankly, I find this whole situation difficult. I'm happy the way I am as I don't think I'm "lacking something" by not having sex, but on the other hand I'd love to get married (in church) when I'm able to find the right person but as far as I know, to have marriage "valid" it must be consumed. And I don't think I'd be able to life with a man under the same roof even though we wouldn't do anything, so yeah... I'm not saying I won't ever have sex but I don't really want it. I'd rather persuade other aspects of relationship (supporting each other, caring for each other, etc). To sum this up, I think it only gave me a headache ;)

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TravellingTumbleweed

I feel like the rest of the world makes a bit more sense now... Seriously, I can't stop smiling. Thanks for this post!😀😀😀

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1 hour ago, TravellingTumbleweed said:

I feel like the rest of the world makes a bit more sense now... Seriously, I can't stop smiling. Thanks for this post!😀😀😀

I'm just happy I'm not the only one that feels this way. Mind you some of it doesn't make sense even though I'm 58. If I have questions, still, I'll ask a buddy (I imagine to his consternation). Sometimes he can answer them, sometimes not...

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2 hours ago, TravellingTumbleweed said:

I feel like the rest of the world makes a bit more sense now... Seriously, I can't stop smiling. Thanks for this post!😀😀😀

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: 

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Hello

 

I have only come to terms with the fact that I am Ace (I hope I used that term right 😅) and I'm 31. So I have been looking into the possibility that there maybe something different about me. So when I read about Asexuality and what it means to be Asexual I was like "That makes so much sense! Oh thank goodness it's not just me" 😅😂😩 I've had people call me frigid and stuff before but I knew it wasn't that I just feel little or very mild attraction to anyone one. I like romance and the idea of companionship but sex is something I find awkward and confusing. 

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On 12/11/2019 at 2:10 AM, AJ 0688 said:

Hello

 

I have only come to terms with the fact that I am Ace (I hope I used that term right 😅) and I'm 31. So I have been looking into the possibility that there maybe something different about me. So when I read about Asexuality and what it means to be Asexual I was like "That makes so much sense! Oh thank goodness it's not just me" 😅😂😩 I've had people call me frigid and stuff before but I knew it wasn't that I just feel little or very mild attraction to anyone one. I like romance and the idea of companionship but sex is something I find awkward and confusing. 

Welcome! Here is some cake to honor your journey! 

 

Also, I am 30 and I am also just learning this of myself. 

 

It's a strange thing, a relief and a joy to know this of myself. I only hope that I am honest with myself the whole way toward self-discovery. Because it is a lifelong journey. 

 

Naked Lemon Cake with Flower Crown
P
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On 12/12/2019 at 8:34 PM, Miggs said:

Welcome! Here is some cake to honor your journey! 

 

Also, I am 30 and I am also just learning this of myself. 

 

It's a strange thing, a relief and a joy to know this of myself. I only hope that I am honest with myself the whole way toward self-discovery. Because it is a lifelong journey. 

 

Naked Lemon Cake with Flower Crown
P

OK First of all Yay! Cake!! 

 

Second of all, it definitely is a relief and blessing and I am kind of berating myself for not figuring it out sooner, it could have prevented some of the Awkward moments I've had growing up 😅. I'm OK with hugging if it's a close friend or my mum. Kissing can be awkward (for me, not them necessarily) and dating isn't a date to me it's hanging out with someone doing things that potential friends do, it's getting a drink, or going to the movies or going bowling. And i still like paying my half. Also I don't share food, if someone's hand comes towards my plate I give them the glare 😂🤣

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2 hours ago, AJ 0688 said:

OK First of all Yay! Cake!! 

 

Second of all, it definitely is a relief and blessing and I am kind of berating myself for not figuring it out sooner, it could have prevented some of the Awkward moments I've had growing up 😅. I'm OK with hugging if it's a close friend or my mum. Kissing can be awkward (for me, not them necessarily) and dating isn't a date to me it's hanging out with someone doing things that potential friends do, it's getting a drink, or going to the movies or going bowling. And i still like paying my half. Also I don't share food, if someone's hand comes towards my plate I give them the glare 😂🤣

I definitely DON'T share food. Unless I'm excited about the flavors and want to. But it is always a trade if I do. And yeah, I always pay my way. Not because I can't let someone else, but because I prefer to not let it get to someone's head that they NEED to do that, or that I want that from them. Because I don't. Also, money means independence to me so if I don't have it that makes me feel embarrassed and like a burden. And people have taken advantage of that feeling before so I just don't ever plan on letting that be a thing. Hugging is definitely nice for me. Kissing less so. Hand holding is weird. And I DON'T like cuddling. For me it's like, why though? There is so much room on this couch? Why you gotta be up in my face? Back off and get out! I don't want your thigh touching my thigh. You get me? So I get it. It's weird. I think it would have saved me and a once friend some heartbreak. But that's why it's a journey. It has low points too. 

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6 hours ago, Miggs said:

I definitely DON'T share food. Unless I'm excited about the flavors and want to. But it is always a trade if I do. And yeah, I always pay my way. Not because I can't let someone else, but because I prefer to not let it get to someone's head that they NEED to do that, or that I want that from them. Because I don't. Also, money means independence to me so if I don't have it that makes me feel embarrassed and like a burden. And people have taken advantage of that feeling before so I just don't ever plan on letting that be a thing. Hugging is definitely nice for me. Kissing less so. Hand holding is weird. And I DON'T like cuddling. For me it's like, why though? There is so much room on this couch? Why you gotta be up in my face? Back off and get out! I don't want your thigh touching my thigh. You get me? So I get it. It's weird. I think it would have saved me and a once friend some heartbreak. But that's why it's a journey. It has low points too. 

Totally with you on the personal space and money things. Holding hands yeah I recently discovered I don't like that. I recently stopped dating someone and the guy I was seeing, although very nice was being too full on and no matter how many times I told him he was coming on too strong he'd keep doing it anyway. He would hold my hand (normal for any other couple) and as much ad I would try not to pull away from him, in the end I always did. I wasn't one for holding hands, or kissing and any times I was intimate it was like I was trying to hard to prove to myself that it was what I wanted but in the end it wasn't. It wasn't a good experience at all. It didn't help that the poor guy didn't seem to know what he was going anymore than I did. 

 

We're still friends but we agree maybe it was best to part ways. I was honest about my potential being Asexual and how it affect my interactions with him sometimes. In a social setting just hang out having fun we were fine but when he would try to take things further I either felt anxious, tense and a little grossed out at what he wanted us to do. That and his penis scared the crap out of me. He was too wide and it really hurt (sorry TMI) it just repulsed me. 

 

But he'd rarely listen to anything I said to him nor were we very talkative as a couple. So it was for the best

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19 hours ago, AJ 0688 said:

Totally with you on the personal space and money things. Holding hands yeah I recently discovered I don't like that. I recently stopped dating someone and the guy I was seeing, although very nice was being too full on and no matter how many times I told him he was coming on too strong he'd keep doing it anyway. He would hold my hand (normal for any other couple) and as much ad I would try not to pull away from him, in the end I always did. I wasn't one for holding hands, or kissing and any times I was intimate it was like I was trying to hard to prove to myself that it was what I wanted but in the end it wasn't. It wasn't a good experience at all. It didn't help that the poor guy didn't seem to know what he was going anymore than I did. 

 

We're still friends but we agree maybe it was best to part ways. I was honest about my potential being Asexual and how it affect my interactions with him sometimes. In a social setting just hang out having fun we were fine but when he would try to take things further I either felt anxious, tense and a little grossed out at what he wanted us to do. That and his penis scared the crap out of me. He was too wide and it really hurt (sorry TMI) it just repulsed me. 

 

But he'd rarely listen to anything I said to him nor were we very talkative as a couple. So it was for the best

Yeah, it sounds like it was for the best. I wish I could have stayed friends with my guy. He didn't want to though. And I didn't feel right trying to push for anything because I broke it off, and for him I'm sure it felt out of the blue. Mostly because we also didn't talk as much as I would have liked. I mentioned Asexuality to him before, but I didn't think it applied to me at the time. And we never got that far. He did listen to what I wanted, which was awesome, but not only did he and I want different things, we perceived our relationship differently. Of the two of us, I was more realistic. And he was also still building his own self awareness. So yeah, low point. Still, I was so happy it was over and glad to not be in a relationship I couldn't have felt sad at the time if I tried. I hope he finds someone else and they talk more. He was also a good guy. 

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wolf_of_the_pack_

I used to think that in order to have a good relationship, you had to have sex with your partner. Because on TV, the best relationships (in my opinion) always had sex involved in their relationship, and that kinda warped my mind to think that I would eventually have to have sex in order to be in an good relationship. But I didn't want to do that either, so I had kinda made up my mind that I would just be single forever, which was okay with me(even though I did want a romantic relationship). I don't believe that anymore, but I did for a very long time, and I also knew that if I did just have a relationship, my parents would just pressure me to have kids, because I'm the oldest and they want some grandbabies. Now that I am asexual, I know I have lowered my chances even more😂 but I've already kind of accepted that I'm not going to get married or anything. And plus, I can have as many doggos and cattos as I want and nobody can stop me Muhahaha

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On 12/21/2019 at 3:48 AM, wolf_of_the_pack_ said:

I used to think that in order to have a good relationship, you had to have sex with your partner. Because on TV, the best relationships (in my opinion) always had sex involved in their relationship, and that kinda warped my mind to think that I would eventually have to have sex in order to be in an good relationship. But I didn't want to do that either, so I had kinda made up my mind that I would just be single forever, which was okay with me(even though I did want a romantic relationship). I don't believe that anymore, but I did for a very long time, and I also knew that if I did just have a relationship, my parents would just pressure me to have kids, because I'm the oldest and they want some grandbabies. Now that I am asexual, I know I have lowered my chances even more😂 but I've already kind of accepted that I'm not going to get married or anything. And plus, I can have as many doggos and cattos as I want and nobody can stop me Muhahaha

High 5 for the wanting of many doggos and cattos 😍

I completely agree with what you have said.
You generally don’t see much else in the way of asexual relationships on tv or in movies (i haven’t), so it has always seemed to me that the idea of a successful relationship always had to involve sex to make it valid. 

Which for me, isn’t my forte.

So this resulted in me thinking I was completely invalid in society.😓

That’s never a nice feeling or experience to be had.

Especially when it’s so very well ingrained into almost every aspect of our daily lives. 😓

 

I am just very thankful that I having supportive friends who understand better than most, as they are all members of the LGBTQ+ 🏳️‍🌈 community. ❤️💜

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well, when I first heard about asexuality & applied it to myself it was a very wholesome & feel-good sensation. me and my two cousins were joking around about something and one of my cousins (the one i’m closer to)  said something along the lines of ”yea, she’s definitely asexual” and we all laughed. I just nodded my head and smiled. I then said ”yup, you got that right” with confidence. I had heard of the term before but never related it to myself. But that moment in the car just affirmed the rest of my life. It just resonated with me and everything felt right.

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when i heard about asexuality, it took about 8 hours to sink in. I was euphoric, so many things just clicked into place. I've been building a picture of who i am my whole life and suddenly the missing piece that connects all the dots, the piece i was building around

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5 hours ago, AdoredByJoy said:

well, when I first heard about asexuality & applied it to myself it was a very wholesome & feel-good sensation. me and my two cousins were joking around about something and one of my cousins (the one i’m closer to)  said something along the lines of ”yea, she’s definitely asexual” and we all laughed. I just nodded my head and smiled. I then said ”yup, you got that right” with confidence. I had heard of the term before but never related it to myself. But that moment in the car just affirmed the rest of my life. It just resonated with me and everything felt right.

I hear you! :)

 

I may not feel comfortable telling the world that I'm asexual, but ever since that day in 2005, I feel so much better about myself.

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4 hours ago, appleseedy said:

when i heard about asexuality, it took about 8 hours to sink in. I was euphoric, so many things just clicked into place. I've been building a picture of who i am my whole life and suddenly the missing piece that connects all the dots, the piece i was building around

Now that is one way to put it. Some of us, myself included, have described our discovery of asexuality and identifying as asexual as having a huge weight taken off our shoulders. To me it was just a HUGE relief to not have to be something (straight) that I wasn't. I was never questioning my sexuality like a lot of folks do, but I definitely wasn't attracted to females as I was supposed to be. Nor was I interested in guys.

 

(can I put any more emphasis on huge?)

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On 12/26/2019 at 7:50 PM, appleseedy said:

when i heard about asexuality, it took about 8 hours to sink in. I was euphoric, so many things just clicked into place. I've been building a picture of who i am my whole life and suddenly the missing piece that connects all the dots, the piece i was building around

I never expected it to be such a freeing concept. Well, it’s freeing mentally to accept it personally, less so to now realise I’ve trapped myself in my own unhappiness by pretending to myself that it wasn’t true. The stupid thing is that I’ve known since I was 18/19, after spending a 3 year sexual relationship realising I was barely in the slightest caring about the sexual side. I spent 3 years as a practicing asexual, if you forgive the inherent humour of such a term, and, for some stupid fucking reason, decided to try the whole “evolutionary imperative” chapter again. Now I’m stuck in a sexual relationship I really feel uncomfortable being in with a fiancée who would NEVER understand or accept my reality as asexual. I’ve never told her I lived asexually for years by choice, I’ve kept up the pretence that we mutually enjoy it, rather than force myself 95% of the time because I don’t want her to think my lack of desire for sex is a lack of desire for her. 

 

Recently it’s just become crystal clear, for the second time, that I have to stop pretending but at what point does sharing my reality with others become in any way profitable?

 

Sorry, I seem to have ranted! 

But... hi guys! 😂

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6 minutes ago, TheSprout said:

I never expected it to be such a freeing concept. Well, it’s freeing mentally to accept it personally, less so to now realise I’ve trapped myself in my own unhappiness by pretending to myself that it wasn’t true. The stupid thing is that I’ve known since I was 18/19, after spending a 3 year sexual relationship realising I was barely in the slightest caring about the sexual side. I spent 3 years as a practicing asexual, if you forgive the inherent humour of such a term, and, for some stupid fucking reason, decided to try the whole “evolutionary imperative” chapter again. Now I’m stuck in a sexual relationship I really feel uncomfortable being in with a fiancée who would NEVER understand or accept my reality as asexual. I’ve never told her I lived asexually for years by choice, I’ve kept up the pretence that we mutually enjoy it, rather than force myself 95% of the time because I don’t want her to think my lack of desire for sex is a lack of desire for her. 

 

Recently it’s just become crystal clear, for the second time, that I have to stop pretending but at what point does sharing my reality with others become in any way profitable?

 

Sorry, I seem to have ranted! 

But... hi guys! 😂

Welcome to AVEN :cake: :) I can't help you with you current situation as I've never even been in a relationship. However I'm sure someone will chime in. And no need to apologize. This is a great place to get things off your mind. I know stuff will rattle around in my head. Posting here seems to help a lot to ease my mind.

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6 hours ago, TheSprout said:

Sorry, I seem to have ranted! 

But... hi guys! 😂

Hi, welcome to AVEN

 

i went about my relationships the other way round. Never knew i was asexual, you gotta tell her

You...I, We need relationships that are mutual, reciprocal. 

Both (or all for poly's) parties have to find happiness

If you don't tell her something that makes you unhappy your setting you both up for some pain

I don't know what you need to tell her but for your sanity tell her something

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9 hours ago, appleseedy said:

Hi, welcome to AVEN

 

i went about my relationships the other way round. Never knew i was asexual, you gotta tell her

You...I, We need relationships that are mutual, reciprocal. 

Both (or all for poly's) parties have to find happiness

If you don't tell her something that makes you unhappy your setting you both up for some pain

I don't know what you need to tell her but for your sanity tell her something

I took the plunge and sat down with my fiancée to talk about it. It actually seems to have gone remarkably well - she says it explains a lot of things, and in particular has reduced her worries that my lack of interest in sex is about her personally. I think I may actually be able to live out of the closet, so to speak, and yet retain the woman I love?!

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Hi, I feel so happy right now to have found this group. Reading the things on this site make me feel very accepting of who I am and who I know I have been for over 20 yrs. I'd like to tell my story a bit. I am not totally against sex as I have been until 4 years ago been married for 6 yrs and with that person for 19yrs from the age of 17 also I have 4 children. Now here comes the shocker most of that time I have felt very different. I basically forced myself to have a family and it was a massive mental problem for me for many years trying to feel like everything is ok but I could have easily have been single for my entire life and happy. I just had the feeling of emmense pressure to appear normal in the eyes of my friends and family. I knew what I was from a young age. I felt attraction to women from a young age and it was only until girls showed a interest and I refused that I felt something was wrong. I never knew being a sexual was a thing but I truly feel relief and comfort with this. Since I split from my wife I have tried to force myself to date and nothing has worked because I have no interest in sex. This brings me to the present day and finding this site has helped me find who I think I really am, all that I've read fits with my life so we'll the only issue is that I still feel isolated and unable to freely admit to people who I am. 

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Hi, I’m not sure how posting in this forum works, this is my first post here. It’s 4 in the morning where I am and I just flat out can’t sleep. I am also tired though from having such an enlightening night; my brain just won’t stop.

 

I finally looked up Asexuality. It started as a general Internet search but it grew quite rapidly to Facebook group requests, excitement, relief...dread..

 

The emotions have been fairly muted, either due to it being such a strange time to be awake or because the pieces feel like they are just falling into place. The excitement comes from finally feeling like I can identify with something.  This sounds right and it feels like it’s a fit to me! The relief is total validation: There are other people that feel similar and what I go through is A THING. A real thing and IT’S OK! I’ve been trying to fit into a box for so long, the validation that  maybe I’m not confused, maybe there isn’t more stuff wrong with me, maybe I just am asexual (I’ll keep the more finite label to myself for now) is wonderful! But, now I’ve gotta change my thinking about myself and set clearer boundaries with my SO and what is this going to do to my current relationship? 
Thankfully the positive feelings outweigh the negative feelings.
 

Im excited to dig deeper into Asexuality and myself. I feel like this is a path I’m finally comfortable with.

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3 hours ago, Emberblossom said:

Hi, I’m not sure how posting in this forum works, this is my first post here.

You did fine.

 

Welcome!

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTruiMW0Zt1pqGoa1-KHLe

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RogueAceOfHearts

I didn't even start to question anything until I was 20. I had an asexual friend who was more than willing to share her experiences, and then one day at work (oh, the joys of working register where I get time to think) my brain just somehow spit out something about me possibly being ace and then I had a fun 3 month crisis.

 

I finally figured out a fairly solid answer of 'yes, I am ace' after actually finding this site (thank you random person on Pinterest who pointed me this direction) and reading through a bunch of stuff over Thanksgiving break home from school.

 

It's really relieving to have a word for it, because I never wanted sex at all, and my previous bf brought it up (respectfully, he was asking what I thought of it, and I was under the impression that it was just a 'waiting for marriage' thing for me at the time) but the background knowledge that if we stayed together that he would eventually probably want that bothered me, and it's just really nice to realize that it's not just that I'm freaked out by the thought of sex, there's an actual word for this. I'm not just a weirdo for not wanting to be with someone like that.

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I was just like "Wait so I am not a little chicken with an obvious mental problem but asexual? I don't need to fix myself and push myself through my own boundaries?"

 

I had learnt about asexuality before but i was like "Nah not me" because I talk very suggestively and am the first one to crack dirty jokes. Because in my perception the dirtiest mind belong to the coolest and bravest person.

 

How should I have known that I don't feel sexual attraction when I have never felt it, right?

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westcoastmoe

I was super happy to hear that others are like me as for years i thought what the hell is wrong with me because as a guy all your friends just want to brag about sex and talk about how much they are getting and most of the women I've gone out with have always wanted it more than i did after a few months seeing each other and it would always lead to a breakup. Life is not to bad these days as i have my kids and friends and lots of stuff to keep me busy though if the right woman came along  and this asexual is already out on the table it will be so much easier 🙂

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6 hours ago, westcoastmoe said:

I was super happy to hear that others are like me as for years i thought what the hell is wrong with me because as a guy all your friends just want to brag about sex and talk about how much they are getting and most of the women I've gone out with have always wanted it more than i did after a few months seeing each other and it would always lead to a breakup. Life is not to bad these days as i have my kids and friends and lots of stuff to keep me busy though if the right woman came along  and this asexual is already out on the table it will be so much easier 🙂

When I found out I was relieved too (I was 44). Mind you in my 20s, when everyone in my social circle was paired up so to speak, I knew I wasn't interested in having a girlfriend, getting married or fathering kids. Yet I thought I was attracted to females. Fortunately I never got depressed or thought I was 'broken'.

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AceMissBehaving
On 1/1/2020 at 6:04 PM, Artila said:

I was just like "Wait so I am not a little chicken with an obvious mental problem but asexual? I don't need to fix myself and push myself through my own boundaries?"

 

I had learnt about asexuality before but i was like "Nah not me" because I talk very suggestively and am the first one to crack dirty jokes. Because in my perception the dirtiest mind belong to the coolest and bravest person.

 

How should I have known that I don't feel sexual attraction when I have never felt it, right?

I was kind of the same way. I have a dirty joke for every occasion, and an encyclopedic knowledge of weird sex stuff, and yet here we are! 

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