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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


Lady Girl

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Greetings.  I am so glad I found this site.  A bit about me:

 

Kansas born, SoCal raised in a time when sexuality was carefully monitored.  Y'all know what i mean.  I've had several girlfriends, sexual in nature.  But only in my late teens did it mean anything to me.  That was some 30+ years ago.  On my second marriage now, trying to justify my feelings.  Yes I love her, but no sex in seven years.  

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35 minutes ago, schadeaux said:

Greetings.  I am so glad I found this site.  A bit about me:

 

Kansas born, SoCal raised in a time when sexuality was carefully monitored.  Y'all know what i mean.  I've had several girlfriends, sexual in nature.  But only in my late teens did it mean anything to me.  That was some 30+ years ago.  On my second marriage now, trying to justify my feelings.  Yes I love her, but no sex in seven years.  

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: :)

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@crystallic_slumber Welcome to AVEN!

 

@Seeingthelight Welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Theatre" cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/331672-theatre

c6b3h0cj20ic3z89bpgu.jpg

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I'm still in the whole process of figuring this out to be sure of myself, but what goes through my head the most is "how the hell did I never realize this before?" Hindsight is 20/20, and it seems so obvious now lol

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27 minutes ago, Anommamous said:

I'm still in the whole process of figuring this out to be sure of myself, but what goes through my head the most is "how the hell did I never realize this before?" Hindsight is 20/20, and it seems so obvious now lol

Tell me about it...

 

When I came out to a (quite attractive) female friend that I've known since we were teenagers, I made the comment, "I'm probably the only guy you've known that never tried to get into your pants". She kind of grinned and agreed. LOL

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I have only just joined this site but already I feel more 'normal'. Can you all believe I have been married for 45 years and had no sex for 10 years.  I have no idea why my husband stays with me as he thinks I am weird and says I used to love sex, not true, it was only to please him and because I thought that was what was expected of me plus I wanted children. I can relate to so much on this site and I can't tell you how much happier I feel already to know there are other people like me out there. Thank you

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54 minutes ago, AnnieBB said:

I have only just joined this site

Welcome and :cake: !

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8 hours ago, AnnieBB said:

I have only just joined this site but already I feel more 'normal'. Can you all believe I have been married for 45 years and had no sex for 10 years.  I have no idea why my husband stays with me as he thinks I am weird and says I used to love sex, not true, it was only to please him and because I thought that was what was expected of me plus I wanted children. I can relate to so much on this site and I can't tell you how much happier I feel already to know there are other people like me out there. Thank you

I know exactly how you feel! When I found out about asexuality it was such a relief. I wasn't looking for any answers or questioning my sexuality, but it made perfect sense.

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Hello, my new friends.

 

I've always been a hopeless romantic, fantasizing of love and chivalry. But to others I've been "the runaway bride". I am quite able to fall in love, but when the time comes to leave 1st Base, I keep running to the outfield and over the fence. I've returned 3 engagement rings and declined 2 when I realized I would never be able to give a gentleman what he desired most. I was still a Virgin when I finally married at the age of 24, despite having been stationed in Okinawa, which is home to 7 Marine base, 1 Navy Base and 1 Air Force base. I do enjoy kissing, and I've been told I am quite good at it, but anything else makes my blood run cold.

 

I turn 42 today, and I am still married... unhappily, I'm afraid. I've had two children, as I was able to scientifically nail down my most fertile day of the month. Twice. Sadly however, in my 17 years of marriage, we've engaged in... the deed... less than the number of fingers I have on two hands. I cannot even gift that to him on his birthday. He deserves better, but the few times I've tried, I found myself saying, "I hate you" over and over in my head while feeling as though I was being raped.

 

I am so grateful for my babies, for they've shown me a level of love I never knew existed. If not for my husband, I wouldn’t have them. But my marriage fails more rapidly with each passing year. And now that I've learned a relationship with someone like me has actually been possible, I'm feeling more jaded than ever before.

 

So, my feelings are mixed. Sadness for having no knowledge of this until now. Relief to know I am not the only one on the planet like this. Elated that there are actually MEN with this attribute as well. And hopeful that I might enjoy friendships here with people who truly understand my malfunction.

 

Thank you for for the creation of this forum. 'Tis a pleasure to meet you all. 😊

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18 hours ago, Tamarwen said:

Hello, my new friends.

 

but when the time comes to leave 1st Base, I keep running to the outfield and over the fence.

I am so grateful for my babies, for they've shown me a level of love I never knew existed. If not for my husband, I wouldn’t have them. But my marriage fails more rapidly with each passing year. And now that I've learned a relationship with someone like me has actually been possible, I'm feeling more jaded than ever before.

 

So, my feelings are mixed. Sadness for having no knowledge of this until now. Relief to know I am not the only one on the planet like this. Elated that there are actually MEN with this attribute as well. And hopeful that I might enjoy friendships here with people who truly understand my malfunction.

 

Thank you for for the creation of this forum. 'Tis a pleasure to meet you all. 😊

Welcome to AVEN :cake: :)

 

I'm 58 and still a virgin. Even though I had female friends over the years, they were just friends. Heck, I never got out of the batter's box. It wasn't a case of striking out, I just didn't try...

 

I was happy to find out about asexuality and AVEN at age 44, even though it took 12 years for me to actually sign up.

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How often do you guys suddenly remember moments (from before you knew you were ace) that now seem like obvious indicators of your acenessnessnessness?

 

Things I have realized since I started this path of self-evaluation include:

 

I knew specifically that I wasn't interested in having sex with my first boyfriend even though I did it anyway (which isn't by itself much to go on, but is something combined with other moments).

In the past I have described myself to lovers as 'not a passionate person' and 'not very sexual'.

My thoughts during sex are often along the lines of "why are you drawing this out so much?" and "hurry up and finish already so we can stop".

When I first started looking into this, the first thing I started trying to figure out was how to identify/define sexual attraction. This was before I even knew it was a bone of contention within the community. I had never even realized before then that I wasn't 100% sure what it was supposed to feel like.

 

I'm sure there are more, but those are the ones I could think of right now. What about you guys?

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1 hour ago, Anommamous said:

How often do you guys suddenly remember moments (from before you knew you were ace) that now seem like obvious indicators of your acenessnessnessness?

I have never been interested in relationships, not to mention sexual interactions, so have never had a boy-/girlfriend or any romantic experience whatsoever. Then two years ago, I met a guy who was interested in me and I thought "I can see how and where this goes so I 'know' if I'm ace or not". I could handle the kissing and going top less but any suggestions/attempts of taking of more clothes and doing something else made me want to kick his butt out the door really badly and quickly (I even told him if he mentioned it or attempted anything like that again, I would). However, I did not enjoy any of the experiences of making out etc, "what's all the fuss about?", I would just lie there and listen to the music wondering what the heck he was doing. Fortunatley, it 'ended' soon after that. I liked the intimacy of being close to someone, like skin against skin and feeling the heart beats of the other person though. 

 

I never understood what my friends was going on about when talking about 'hot' persons. I also make sexual innuendos all the time since I'm not aware of the double meaning of some words.

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@Anommamous I've mentioned this in the past but when I was a teenager I'd rather babysit kids than go to parties with my friends or football games and dances with my classmates.

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Wow, hearing you all describe that definitely illustrates the spectrum. Some of us are not even attracted to people. I've been boy crazy since I was in preschool. But I was dumped over and over again because I didn’t want to "mess around". I wanted the relationship, and I found many guys to be swoon worthy. But I am profoundly disgusted by the thought of oral sex, the act of sex, even hand jobs... or whatever come with the territory.

 

As terrible as this is, I have actually had thoughts about dating gentlemen who can't physically do that for whatever reason, just so I could enjoy a relationship and not have to worry. My husband... is... erm, normal? I've totally screwed him by marrying him. No pun intended. I always just assumed that all guys want sex, and girls had sex just to hang onto them. But judging what I am seeing here... the possibility of female nymphomaniacs are truly possible, as my end of the spectrum really is a thing. But I digress. I gave my husband the green light to cheat on me long ago. He won't. So I just go on feeling terrible about it.

 

AM42, I can relate to the skin on skin and hearts-beating... as long as I don't suspect a guy just wants to have a go at me. It's good that you can enjoy that level of closeness at least. 😊

 

Have any of you had online relationships because it felt safer to do that? I've been able to enjoy full romances that way. There are still freaks online, but this way ... *click click* Blocked! 😂

 

 

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SithAzathoth WinterDragon
51 minutes ago, Tamarwen said:

Have any of you had online relationships because it felt safer to do that? I've been able to enjoy full romances that way. There are still freaks online, but this way ... *click click* Blocked! 

2 years ago I had a platonic relationship with someone in Ireland, then they wanted me to be more into the romantic and sexual relationship side, and even said they'd help me get there.... 

I simply said I don't want to ever be sexually active in anyway,  if as long as the cloths stay on and cuddling thing I'm good, but no sex on any level, they were fine with it and a week before they were going to help me with the expenses they disappeared,  they still have the social media account but never been active for 2 years.

However I don't want to leave where I'm at, and even if the person started being active again, I would only want to be online friends. 

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I am sorry for the outcome of that relationship. I do not know how many dudes who've taken off when they realized I'd fight off any sexual advances. But I never knew to put it into words, and in fact, I think I was scared to do so. I admire you for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. You certainly have courage.

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SithAzathoth WinterDragon
19 minutes ago, Tamarwen said:

I am sorry for the outcome of that relationship. I do not know how many dudes who've taken off when they realized I'd fight off any sexual advances. But I never knew to put it into words, and in fact, I think I was scared to do so. I admire you for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. You certainly have courage.

It's ok, I recall them saying they were going off line since they didn't like how they were removed from a public page, a Heathenry one. 

I do at times dream of Ireland,  however if I ever go I'd go to my ancestors areas. Then I'd go to Scotland.

I knew by 13 years of age in the early 2000s I'd never get into a physical relationship and to this day I never have had one. 

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My ancestors are all Scottish. I'd love to visit the UK in general. 😊

 

Regarding sexuality, I'd always viewed it as an adult activity. I assumed one day I'd suddenly want it. Nope. Not even a little bit. Now that I'm grown, I simply wish it didn’t exist.

 

Of course... none of us would be here if it never happened, but I've dwelled on it enough to make myself miserable for a very long time. I think there should be more people like us. That would solve a lot of problems. 😂

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8 hours ago, Tamarwen said:

I am sorry for the outcome of that relationship. I do not know how many dudes who've taken off when they realized I'd fight off any sexual advances. But I never knew to put it into words, and in fact, I think I was scared to do so. I admire you for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. You certainly have courage.

An ace I met earlier this year that describes herself as heteroromantic has had that happen. 

 

Before I knew I was asexual I had a female friend ask me after a couple of years of knowing each other, if I could see the two of us having sex (which activity I dont know). I strongly said NO! She broke off all contact after that.

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Reading everyone’s responses here makes me feel a little less alone.

 

I, too, felt like sex was a natural activity I’d grow to want. It’s something that so many people correlate to adulthood and so as many people go, begin to lose their virginities, I feel left out.

 

i thought there was steps I had to take to feel a sexual attraction: but despite these steps, I lack and feel overwhelmed by the idea of someone looking at me sexually

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I do feel broken and like a freak. I have a partner i have been with for 10 years. When I was younger 19-24 i had a sex drive. I am now 29 and I feel no sexual desire. I don't ever think about sex and when my partner tries to touch me it gives me anxiety and I pull away. He doesn't understand at all and thinks I don't want him. I am attracted to him romantically and love him I like kisses hugs cuddling back rubs but anything sexual I pull away. Please help me and give me some advice I don't want to loose him 

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On 11/3/2019 at 4:13 PM, xolynn said:

I do feel broken and like a freak. I have a partner i have been with for 10 years. When I was younger 19-24 i had a sex drive. I am now 29 and I feel no sexual desire. I don't ever think about sex and when my partner tries to touch me it gives me anxiety and I pull away. He doesn't understand at all and thinks I don't want him. I am attracted to him romantically and love him I like kisses hugs cuddling back rubs but anything sexual I pull away. Please help me and give me some advice I don't want to loose him 

I am so sorry to hear that. Sexuality is more fluid than we realize, and by that I don't mean people just change overnight, it takes time. So you may have been Ace but it changed to a certain kind of Ace. Or what triggers your sexual desire has become very specific. Have you spoken to a therapist or sex therapist? One that respects the idea that you may never want for sex again? I am 30, and have desire, but I lose it if in a position to act on it with another person. I also don't experience sexual desire towards real people. My own imagination is satisfactory. Affection, love and romance I get.

 

You both have committed all of yourselves to this relationship. So you are giving him everything you can. You are not withholding. You are not able to experience what he feels. You are not broken. You either have a new code to decipher or there is no code, because there is no secret it's just what is face value.

 

There are forums on this site specific to this relationship struggle between asexual and sexual people. Those in that forum would probably have more insight for you. I have heard from many people in your situation. They love their spouse of so many years, but don't have sexual desire now, or never did and just made themselves do it. Some relationships continued regardless, some could not withstand the loneliness or hurt that their partner felt and others are seeking help just like you. I'm sure those who have been in a relationship for as long as you have will at least be able to help you feel connected to others and less alone in your feelings. As for a solution, I'm afraid that no one person will have that for you. It will have to be something you and your partner figure out. But there are some ideas and success stories on here that may help. 

 

Also, it may be good for your partner to take advantage of this site too. There are forums for the sexual partner of asexuals who want answers too. It may give your partner some sense of control and understanding. 

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On 10/26/2019 at 9:34 PM, Tamarwen said:

AM42, I can relate to the skin on skin and hearts-beating... as long as I don't suspect a guy just wants to have a go at me. It's good that you can enjoy that level of closeness at least. 😊

 

 

This seems like a really sweet way to connect! How cool. AM42, I didn't see your post so I was lazy and bummed it off of Tamarwen. 

 

Also, Tamarwen, I am sorry you're going through that struggle. I have never been married so for me that concept is only grasped through my experiences with married couples among family and friends. Regarding the suggestion to your husband to cheat, I am familiar with this. Not through my own story. But my mom and dad spoke to each other about what would happen if either of them became paralyzed and could no longer have sex, which would be to cheat on the paralyzed person, with the other's permission, as long as us kids were safe, it didn't involve love and was just to take the edge off. Unfortunately for many it is not something they can do, even with earnest permission and support. 

 

You're relationship is precious and I hope you find something that works for both of you. 

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On 10/28/2019 at 10:41 AM, des the ace said:

Reading everyone’s responses here makes me feel a little less alone.

 

I, too, felt like sex was a natural activity I’d grow to want. It’s something that so many people correlate to adulthood and so as many people go, begin to lose their virginities, I feel left out.

 

i thought there was steps I had to take to feel a sexual attraction: but despite these steps, I lack and feel overwhelmed by the idea of someone looking at me sexually

Welcome to Aven! Have some cake!

 

You're feelings are shared among us. I was so sure if I found the right person I would develop that desire. I had a relationship of near two years. We couldn't move past a kiss. I didn't want to. Didn't have the desire to. But I think that it's also okay if you feel saddened by the lack of that feeling. Just know that it isn't the end all. You can still have a relationship if you want. Just remind yourself that while we are so convinced emotionally that sex or children are the ultimate expression of love, we need to realize that love doesn't end for those who no longer have sex, those who love their children more than anything, those who have a friend that they would do anything for, or a family member they love more than anyone in the world. 

 

Also, love doesn't have to be romantic love in order for it to be valued. Many relationships with sexual people are centered on platonic or familial love. 

 

We don't have to feel alone. We have our ace community. 

 

 Mama-s-Spice-Cake_EXPS_THD18_1840_E07_26

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Kk the artist

Hello first time on a online chat room feeling nervous  i’m pan romantic I’m not interested in having sex with anyone  I found out I was asexual by looking up things online thinking about my past  Ans not into having sex at all 

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35 minutes ago, Kk the artist said:

Hello first time on a online chat room feeling nervous  i’m pan romantic I’m not interested in having sex with anyone  I found out I was asexual by looking up things online thinking about my past  Ans not into having sex at all 

Welcome to AVEN! :) :cake:

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camillasmycat

So here I am an old "man" now, still single and never wanted to get married. I had some relations before but always found a way to mess them up....Sex doesn't interest me and being a rock guitarist and a male by birth, I know lots of women who walked away from me bewildered. I never asked them to hang around me. Being friends works though.
Fortunately, music knows no gender or color - it is a rainbow.

 

My outward appearance is male because it is just easier to get along with everyone else. I don't think of myself as male or female. Most "guy" things don't interest me like hunting or fishing and playing sports. Same with cars and motorcycles. When I look at women I notice their appearance but also what they wear and how they wear them. I notice everything from hair to shoes. I don't want to be a female but I don't want to be a 'boyfriend' or do I want one. E disfunction is not a problem for me, it's a relief. I think of people first not gender. I have been this way all my life. I never felt I needed a label. I am just what I am. All this came to the surface (again) because I have decided to wear nylon 'granny' underwear. I don't care what anyone thinks of it because it's no ones business. I have no one to answer to and I still like my boxers too. I just want more choices. I just discovered pant liners too. Jeans never felt so good to wear.

 

I have a couple of female mannequins that I use for 'scarecrows' due to several burgarlies in my neighborhood.
Funny thing is they are like giant barbie dolls and I am having fun dressing them and fixing their hair (wigs) to
make them look as good as I can. I don't feel embarrassed by it but I doubt 'men' would indulge.

I no longer live in a very liberal west coast city and am in a small northeastern 'village' where people are not so
open to alternative thinking so I keep most things to myself. I have been looking at sites like this one for a new sense of community to share and hear from other people. Now that I know my basic label (asexual non binary) is, I can find others to open up to.

Whew! Short story is......Hi

 

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