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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


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lilyofthevalley
On 9/24/2019 at 3:09 PM, persondude said:

Now I'm in a strange predicament where I want to have my own kids but I still find sex disgusting

I’m waiting for the day when cloning yourself is a thing😂. Asexual reproduction right there.

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On 9/24/2019 at 7:09 AM, persondude said:

I never expected this to be considered an orientation, I'm 18, and I just always though all my friends were perverts and I was the normal thinking one, I never thought it was hard to wait until marriage and didn't understand why that was so hard, or why people would have sex other than to start a family. Now I'm in a strange predicament where I want to have my own kids but I still find sex disgusting, I know I'm still young but like sometimes I wish I was straight, like I have tried to watch normal things but they literally make me gag in disgust, I feel like i'm a little kid or something but I just have no drive at all for it 

 

 So it sounds like you have sex aversion. And that is totally valid. As for Asexuality that is separate but they aren't exclusive. A person who is asexual can be sex averse. And if you do want your own kids, IVF is an option or adoption. My friend is asexual, not sex averse, but doesn't want sex and also wants kids. IVF is the option they are interested in now, but before they were considering having sex with someone they trusted and knew who signed an agreement to not be co-parent or have any parent responsibilities or rights over any potential child, which is what my friend wanted. There are options for you. 

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@persondude A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I wish I had advice for you, but all that comes to mind is IVF and Adoption.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "The Dude" cake (all edible),

https://www.cakecentral.com/gallery/i/3417033/the-dude-big-lebowski-cake

900_the-dude-big-lebowski-cake-743983Vx3

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  • 2 weeks later...
AceMissBehaving
On 9/25/2019 at 1:54 PM, Miggs said:

 

 So it sounds like you have sex aversion. And that is totally valid. As for Asexuality that is separate but they aren't exclusive. A person who is asexual can be sex averse. And if you do want your own kids, IVF is an option or adoption. My friend is asexual, not sex averse, but doesn't want sex and also wants kids. IVF is the option they are interested in now, but before they were considering having sex with someone they trusted and knew who signed an agreement to not be co-parent or have any parent responsibilities or rights over any potential child, which is what my friend wanted. There are options for you. 

I’ve known people who have done the IVF route like that. They seem really happy.

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whichsponge42

I always viewed sex/ the sex industry as something so interesting to learn about, it seemed to interesting and it really enthralled me like how powerful it was to so many people. As I got older, I thought it was weird I “didn’t like kissing,” I didn’t know that was an option, I just thought it was something I would have to desensitize myself to. So I kept trying to like it! Didn’t work lol. Then a partner who I had been with for a month or so brought up having sex, I didn’t know that was something I was supposed to want? It was all honestly very shocking. 

 

Now ive realized I’m asexual or maybe demisexual, still super unsure ab what genders I am attracted to, but I am glad to have found community through this site, and through my real life honestly from people I would never expect! God bless all asexuals.

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7 minutes ago, whichsponge42 said:

I always viewed sex/ the sex industry as something so interesting to learn about, it seemed to interesting and it really enthralled me like how powerful it was to so many people. As I got older, I thought it was weird I “didn’t like kissing,” I didn’t know that was an option, I just thought it was something I would have to desensitize myself to. So I kept trying to like it! Didn’t work lol. Then a partner who I had been with for a month or so brought up having sex, I didn’t know that was something I was supposed to want? It was all honestly very shocking. 

 

Now ive realized I’m asexual or maybe demisexual, still super unsure ab what genders I am attracted to, but I am glad to have found community through this site, and through my real life honestly from people I would never expect! God bless all asexuals.

Welcome to AVEN! Glad you found us.

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1 hour ago, whichsponge42 said:

but I am glad to have found community through this site

Welcome and :cake: ! The good thing is you can look around, think, and discover yourself, with more knowledge now to base things on. Good luck! :) 

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To be honest my life always was nothing less than average. I have an average family, some hobbies and a few friends. I always expected my life to be average in every way and at the same time I thought that my life was going to be boring as hell.

To be part of this anything but average cake-loving community made me feel like I was finally part of something. For me it's a great feeling to be able to relate to something on more than a superficial level. It was like finding a second home.

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I was relieved to find that it was an actual thing but it all went downhill from there. The boyfriend (also my best friend for years before) who told me that I was asexual, and who said he was too, tried to force himself on me twice and then stalked and harassed me for years. When I wouldn't take him back he tried to kill himself while he was on the phone with me and said when he died it would be my fault. He survived and it happened years ago but I have PTSD from what he did. I joined here because I want to find people who understand me and how I feel. 

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@LinnieRB Welcome to AVEN!

 

That's horrible. I'm sorry your boyfriend put you through that.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Books" cake (all edible),

https://mcgreevycakes.com/antique-stack-books-cake/

wide.jpg

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Thank you. And thank you for the book cake, very appropriate for me as I am a bookworm 😁

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You're welcome! I'm happy that you like it.

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6 hours ago, LinnieRB said:

I was relieved to find that it was an actual thing but it all went downhill from there. The boyfriend (also my best friend for years before) who told me that I was asexual, and who said he was too, tried to force himself on me twice and then stalked and harassed me for years. When I wouldn't take him back he tried to kill himself while he was on the phone with me and said when he died it would be my fault. He survived and it happened years ago but I have PTSD from what he did. I joined here because I want to find people who understand me and how I feel. 

You will definitely have a safe space here. I also hope that while you're part of this community you find some sense of peace and don't feel any self-blame for those tragedies of human behavior. You are very strong to not only have made it past that terrible time in your life, but to also seek out a community for support. As welcome, please enjoy this cake: 

 

Image result for cake

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7 hours ago, LinnieRB said:

I was relieved to find that it was an actual thing but it all went downhill from there. The boyfriend (also my best friend for years before) who told me that I was asexual, and who said he was too, tried to force himself on me twice and then stalked and harassed me for years. When I wouldn't take him back he tried to kill himself while he was on the phone with me and said when he died it would be my fault. He survived and it happened years ago but I have PTSD from what he did. I joined here because I want to find people who understand me and how I feel. 

Oh my God! That is so awful! I'm not in a situation with a significant other but I hope I never have to deal with a negative reaction to my asexuality.

 

I can't understand why some people react so badly to us identifying as asexual. It's not like we have a choice in the matter. Oh yes we could try to be something that we aren't but then we aren't being honest to ourselves or others.

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33 minutes ago, Miggs said:

You will definitely have a safe space here. I also hope that while you're part of this community you find some sense of peace and don't feel any self-blame for those tragedies of human behavior. You are very strong to not only have made it past that terrible time in your life, but to also seek out a community for support. As welcome, please enjoy this cake: 

 

Image result for cake

X2

 

I've really enjoyed the conversations here both on the forums and via PMs since joining almost three years ago.

 

I van say want I want without hesitation and there is no judgement.

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3 hours ago, Miggs said:

You will definitely have a safe space here. I also hope that while you're part of this community you find some sense of peace and don't feel any self-blame for those tragedies of human behavior. You are very strong to not only have made it past that terrible time in your life, but to also seek out a community for support. As welcome, please enjoy this cake: 

 

Image result for cake

Thank you so much. Your kind words and the welcome are very much appreciated. And that cake is amazing 😁

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The situation was made worse because he said he was asexual before I even knew the word. He had been my best friend since our early teens and it really messed me up a lot. BUT the messages I have had here so far have been so wonderful that I know for sure that I have found a place where I can be myself and finally feel safe. 

THANK YOU 🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰

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BlunderFishes

Hello! So...I guess I’ll just jump right in here.

 

The first time I really thought about the word “asexual,” I conflated it with sex aversion and lack of libido. Since neither of these things really applied to me, I figured the label didn’t either and moved on with my life.

 

Flash forward a decade and a half, and I stumbled upon this community. With the info available here, I discovered that “asexual” is a lot less cut and dry than I thought. I’ve had about a hundred “aha!” moments since discovering you all and I’m shaking my head how much more sense my experiences make when I consider them through an ace lens. Had I known all of this when I was younger, I could’ve saved myself some serious confusion and angst!

 

Ah well, no regrets, really. Thank you all for being here, and I’m looking forward to chatting with folks who’ve lived through some of the same experiences. I thought I was just a weirdo!

 

(I mean I still am, but I can’t blame my orientation for that!) 😁

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BlunderFishes
1 minute ago, daveb said:

Welcome and :cake: ! 

Aw thank you...My first internet cake!

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@BlunderFishes Welcome to AVEN! :cake: :)

 

I'm glad AVEN has helped you figure out your orientation. I know it helped me immensely (and a huge relief) when I found out about asexuality and AVEN. I was 44 and wish I had known sooner. I hear you on the 'angst' feeling.

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@BlunderFishes Welcome to AVEN!

 

Misconceptions like that are a big reason why I wish Asexuality were better known.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Fish" cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/323154-fish-cake

uv36ovjcb24anr2xhc2q.jpg

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crystallic_slumber

I've had a really interesting coming out process.  I came out to myself ages ago, but then told someone I was "kind of asexual," and he really scoffed at me, so I ran back into the closet, from myself and everyone else, and tried to look at porn, FetLife, anything to convince myself that I was normal or something.  (I've had a buttload of friends into kink...)

I found myself really having a crush on this asexual-leaning guy.  Through discussing my feelings with a friend, it kind of came out, rather inadverdently, that "I'm on the asexual spectrum."

It was just after coming out day.  I want to say the next day, I announced on Facebook- "Happy belated coming out day- as weird as it is to say, I'm on the ace spectrum."  I was really surprised at the support I received.  Two legally transitioned transwomen, my lesbian ex, a family member, and two good (cishet female) friends liked it!  

So yeah, I'm here!  I guess I do feel not broken, but I also wish I would have just went with this identity and ran with it.  At the same time, I guess there was quite a bit of asexual purity when I looked into it, so I didn't feel like I fit the bar.  But I'm probably more a than allo, and this allows me to live my life via fulfilling hobbies and interests rather than bother myself with romantic relationships that I don't want to necessarily have in the first place.  

Edited by crystallic_slumber
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Seeingthelight

I’m over 60 and stumbled upon an article this morning about Asexuality and when reading thought, oh wow, that’s me - my whole life.  My first husband had a very high libido and I clearly didn’t so we both thought I had a mental illness of some kind. My second husband wasn’t as demanding and we had sex often enough to satisfy him, but I was only doing it to preserve our relationship. I was definitely faking it. When hearing others talk about sex or seeing movies where the people clearly had strong sexual desires for each other I could never understand what all the fuss was about. Today my husband is unable to have sex and we have settled into a stage where we focus on mutual support, shared activities we both enjoy, and the other parts of our relationship, including affection with no sexual interaction. I am so grateful to not have to worry about being groped, poked and prodded anymore. I’m very happy for you younger folks who have self-knowledge, education and support at your age so you can live your entire lives as you are! Love and blessings to you all! 

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10 minutes ago, Seeingthelight said:

I’m over 60 and stumbled upon an article this morning about Asexuality and when reading thought, oh wow, that’s me - my whole life.  My first husband had a very high libido and I clearly didn’t so we both thought I had a mental illness of some kind. My second husband wasn’t as demanding and we had sex often enough to satisfy him, but I was only doing it to preserve our relationship. I was definitely faking it. When hearing others talk about sex or seeing movies where the people clearly had strong sexual desires for each other I could never understand what all the fuss was about. Today my husband is unable to have sex and we have settled into a stage where we focus on mutual support, shared activities we both enjoy, and the other parts of our relationship, including affection with no sexual interaction. I am so grateful to not have to worry about being groped, poked and prodded anymore. I’m very happy for you younger folks who have self-knowledge, education and support at your age so you can live your entire lives as you are! Love and blessings to you all! 

Welcome to AVEN :cake: :)

 

On the bold, I have said the same. I was 44 (58 now) when I came across a newspaper article about asexuality and it made perfect sense.

 

It took a lot of self-imposed pressure off me. Mind you I never had to go thru marriage as I'm also aromantic and a virgin. I always thought I was straight but in hindsight never put much of an effort into it.

 

You might want to check the Older Asexuals forum too.

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