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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


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1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said:

@Lmaan Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm happy that you don't feel broken anymore after learning that Asexuality exists.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's Gift Box Cake,

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X2

@Lmaan

It bothers me to no end when I read that someone 'feels' or felt broken if they aren't sexual but have no answer why :(

 

It's as if they think there is something truly wrong with themselves. To me it's just an awful word to use to describe oneself or feelings.

 

That being said, it IS nice when those same folks post to say that finding out about asexuality is such a relief to them :)

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Thanks so much ... it does all make a lot of sense now.  It is nevertheless difficult not to still feel like the one that has to change ... I was told today that I have to 'fix' myself

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2 minutes ago, Haematite said:

 I was told today that I have to 'fix' myself

:(

 

'conversion therapy'? 

 

I'm quite content the way I am and have no interest in living my life any other way.

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3 minutes ago, will123 said:

:(

 

'conversion therapy'? 

 

I'm quite content the way I am and have no interest in living my life any other way.

First came an attempt at understanding from this person, but then came his assertion that now I knew I was asexual I would be able to work on myself and change it!

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19 minutes ago, Haematite said:

First came an attempt at understanding from this person, but then came his assertion that now I knew I was asexual I would be able to work on myself and change it!

SMH

 

I guess us aces could be sexually active, but the level of enjoyment would be very low.

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I could be sexually active (albeit with a low libido), but it would be actual work and I'd just worry about my partner (which would be fine if I loved them). It would give more time for cuddling.

 

Not being in that situation is a relief.

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mebersole_310

for years before I found out I was aro/ace, I felt out of place, everyone seemed to have crushes on someone or were dating someone and I wasn't interested in that kind of stuff. so when I discovered I was aro/ace, I felt a sense of relief that nothing was wrong with me, I've only recently joined aven but I've known about it for a while, even before I joined, it helped me through so many times where I needed to explain to people what aro/ace is, most of my friends know by now, but I don't know how to tell my family. any tips?

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1 hour ago, mebersole_310 said:

for years before I found out I was aro/ace, I felt out of place, everyone seemed to have crushes on someone or were dating someone and I wasn't interested in that kind of stuff. so when I discovered I was aro/ace, I felt a sense of relief that nothing was wrong with me, I've only recently joined aven but I've known about it for a while, even before I joined, it helped me through so many times where I needed to explain to people what aro/ace is, most of my friends know by now, but I don't know how to tell my family. any tips?

Welcome to AVEN!

 

Sounds like your 'awareness' is going well.  About coming out to your family, I can't help you as I have no plans to tell them that I'm aro ace. There is already enough drama in my family and they are LGBT-phobic. Weigh the pros and cons about coming out. That being said I'm out to five friends and acquaintances. I just found out a friend that lives out of province will be home to visit family. I have known her long before I identified as asexual. When I decided to come out to certain people, I knew she was one of the friends that I would tell. Even though we spent a lot of time together in our 20s (I'm 57, she's 55), nothing remotely sexual ever happened between us.

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17 hours ago, Haematite said:

First came an attempt at understanding from this person, but then came his assertion that now I knew I was asexual I would be able to work on myself and change it!

I am so sorry you had to listen to that ridiculous suggestion. There is nothing to fix. If you are unhappy about your sexuality, that is something to work on, but if finding out has been a relief to you, has given you a sense of freedom or made you feel a sense of closure about yourself and your life thus far, then there is nothing to fix. You don't owe that person an explanation like this, and usually allosexual folks have a very difficult time understanding the difference between natural desire (which they have) and willful action. If that person is someone who matters to you, but has a hard time understanding, let them make the first move toward understanding you (such as asking more about you) and when you are ready, show them to resources that will help them if not understand fully at least comes to terms with the idea that you are happy with who you are. There are many resources on this site. 

 

Also, as a side note, I love your log-in name. I'm a geologist so that made me smile. 

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3 hours ago, mebersole_310 said:

for years before I found out I was aro/ace, I felt out of place, everyone seemed to have crushes on someone or were dating someone and I wasn't interested in that kind of stuff. so when I discovered I was aro/ace, I felt a sense of relief that nothing was wrong with me, I've only recently joined aven but I've known about it for a while, even before I joined, it helped me through so many times where I needed to explain to people what aro/ace is, most of my friends know by now, but I don't know how to tell my family. any tips?

Because everyone is different and has different circumstances there is no absolute answer to this. But some important considerations are in order as will123 stated. 

 

1) Determine the reason why you would come out to someone (anyone), the reason should be about you and your needs, not them or anyone else.

 

2) Figure out if that person is someone who can handle that kind of information with respect.

 

- There is no point in having a conversation with someone who will respond horribly to this news. We can't always predict how someone will respond, but if you know they have a strong sense of disrespect or disbelief toward the LGBTQIA+ community or even just to you (Which in my opinion means they shouldn't be in your life), then you need to be really confident in who you are and comfortable with your life before approaching this kind of person. Because if they matter to you, if they react poorly it will always hurt. If they are going to treat this conversation like a confession to a sin then don't have that conversation until you have a strong support base already set up. That is, if you feel strongly about telling them. 

 

3) Only do so when you are ready. Not like you can't consider them, but coming out affects you the most.

 

- Take your time. There is no need to rush this. 

 

4) When you go into this conversation make sure you are in a comfortable position, not distracted by anything else or stressed out by anything else. And make sure it is a neutral place, where you can leave at any time should you have to. 

 

5) Absolutely check out the resources made available for both you and them and have them ready should they ask, there are many on this site.

 

- But they should want to know more about you and your experience rather than asexuality in general. Your sexuality is not how you are identified. Sexuality is just an aspect of your life. It's not part of your personhood. You were always a person even before you or they knew about your sexuality. Your sexuality matters to you and your journey, and you should matter to them. 

 

And that's all I've got. I am still coming out to people in my life close to me, but I have been happy in that everyone has been positive about it or nonchalant about it (As in they responded with, "Well, okay then.") and that was it. But I still try to be cautious and consider myself first before communicating this information.  Because honestly, it really doesn't matter beyond the relief of self-awareness. I'm just happy to finally know and understand myself and move forward in my life with that knowledge. 

Edited by Miggs
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@Miggs You really took the ball and ran with it didn't you? I couldn't have said it better!

 

I havent had to say this to any of those that know that I'm asexual, that I'm the same person they knew before. "I've identified in my heart and mind as asexual since '05 so this isnt a new development". The reactions have been very positive even if asexuality was unknown to them before I came out to them.

 

@Fox on the run and I have discussed people severing their 'friendship' with us when we told the other person that we weren't interested in sex (not telling them/or knowing) we were asexual.

 

It's pretty bad to think that can cause a person to react in such a manner...

 

 

 

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To be honest, I've always loved the idea of being in a relationship but hates the idea of a sexual relationship, so when I realised I was asexual, I was saddened at the fact this will create many restrictions in having relationships and makes me wish I wasn't asexual :(

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watermelon00

I'm new here. 
I feel like today is the first day that I've come to accept myself as ace. 

I feel like dating is going to be really really really really hard. Unless I stay with my ex who is in complete denial about my ace. He keeps assuming that I'm super horny and I roll with it. I didn't realize I was so different until I started trying to date - which would leave both me and my dates confused.

I don't want to make my ace a big deal... but... I feel good to finally own it. Took forever. 30F.

I don't know what guy would date me as an ace girl... he'd have to be very confidant, sexual, and make all the moves, as I still love being desired. 😕 

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9 minutes ago, watermelon00 said:

I'm new here. 
I feel like today is the first day that I've come to accept myself as ace. 

I feel like dating is going to be really really really really hard. Unless I stay with my ex who is in complete denial about my ace. He keeps assuming that I'm super horny and I roll with it. I didn't realize I was so different until I started trying to date - which would leave both me and my dates confused.

I don't want to make my ace a big deal... but... I feel good to finally own it. Took forever. 30F.

I don't know what guy would date me as an ace girl... he'd have to be very confidant, sexual, and make all the moves, as I still love being desired. 😕 

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: :) I'm sure you'll find the answers to your questions here. It sounds like you still feel romantic, just not sexual. There are asexuals on here that are hetero-, homo-, bi-romantic or those of us that have no romantic attraction, aromantic. I'm in the later as I've never really felt any interest in having a girlfriend.

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On 7/17/2019 at 5:47 PM, Miggs said:

I am so sorry you had to listen to that ridiculous suggestion. There is nothing to fix. If you are unhappy about your sexuality, that is something to work on, but if finding out has been a relief to you, has given you a sense of freedom or made you feel a sense of closure about yourself and your life thus far, then there is nothing to fix. You don't owe that person an explanation like this, and usually allosexual folks have a very difficult time understanding the difference between natural desire (which they have) and willful action. If that person is someone who matters to you, but has a hard time understanding, let them make the first move toward understanding you (such as asking more about you) and when you are ready, show them to resources that will help them if not understand fully at least comes to terms with the idea that you are happy with who you are. There are many resources on this site. 

 

Also, as a side note, I love your log-in name. I'm a geologist so that made me smile. 

What a fantastic career - I'm not a geologist, but I do love stones, rocks and crystals!  Haematite is my favourite.  Yeah, the initial reaction of being interested and wanting to know more, gave way to 'yeah, you need to fix that', followed by a short, frank 'discussion' about our differences in opinion over whether I need to fix that! lol.  Yes, it has been such a relief, mixed with the feeling that I will grow old alone now!!! 

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On 7/18/2019 at 10:49 PM, JadeLeigh said:

To be honest, I've always loved the idea of being in a relationship but hates the idea of a sexual relationship, so when I realised I was asexual, I was saddened at the fact this will create many restrictions in having relationships and makes me wish I wasn't asexual :(

Yes I know what you mean ... I want to be in a relationship too, but just don't want to be bothered with all the grunting and grinding ... just let me have a nice cuddle and go to sleep! 

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NickyTannock

@mebersole_310 A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

When I came out to my Dad, I did it by writing everything I wanted to say in a note and handing it to him.

Perhaps you could do the same?

 

There's also an online guide for the parents of Asexuals who come out: http://www.whatisasexuality.com/family-and-friends/parents/

 

@JadeLeigh A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

@watermelon00 Welcome to AVEN!

 

Have you thought about dating other Asexuals?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Marble And Stained Glass Peacock Cake (all edible),

hwglj6wtlrclgplwaxeo.jpg

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1 hour ago, Haematite said:

What a fantastic career - I'm not a geologist, but I do love stones, rocks and crystals!  Haematite is my favourite.  Yeah, the initial reaction of being interested and wanting to know more, gave way to 'yeah, you need to fix that', followed by a short, frank 'discussion' about our differences in opinion over whether I need to fix that! lol.  Yes, it has been such a relief, mixed with the feeling that I will grow old alone now!!! 

Thanks for answering that question about your username. My parents figured I'd be a geologist when I grew up. I was always picking up stones and reading about various minerals.

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On 7/19/2019 at 3:00 PM, Haematite said:

What a fantastic career - I'm not a geologist, but I do love stones, rocks and crystals!  Haematite is my favourite.  Yeah, the initial reaction of being interested and wanting to know more, gave way to 'yeah, you need to fix that', followed by a short, frank 'discussion' about our differences in opinion over whether I need to fix that! lol.  Yes, it has been such a relief, mixed with the feeling that I will grow old alone now!!! 

I agree, it is pretty fantastic. I love it anyway. But that must have been a rough conversation. I know I'm in for a few myself but I've yet to experience that reaction. I credit where I live and the people I know for that. 

 

As for growing old and alone, there is a lot of stigma on that when there shouldn't be.

 

But if you feel you want a romantic relationship there are options, such as other aces who are not aromantic. But asexual folks are less common so we have a smaller pool of options for romantic relationships which can be off-putting. I do not have any inclination to be in a romantic relationship. I'm currently in what I would call a zucchini with a friend of mine whom I live with. They are non-binary and Ace, not so aromantic. We have identified each other as the other person's squish (non-sexual crush). So I feel I'm in a different mindset than you. I may be aromantic, I'm still figuring that out. And I still don't know how I feel about kids while my squish is planning on being pregnant and having a baby. So there are lots of types of relationships. There are successful romantic relationships between asexual and sexual people. But I am not someone who has experienced that.  

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On 7/16/2019 at 11:58 PM, will123 said:

:(

 

'conversion therapy'? 

 

I'm quite content the way I am and have no interest in living my life any other way.

 

On 7/17/2019 at 5:47 PM, Miggs said:

I am so sorry you had to listen to that ridiculous suggestion. There is nothing to fix. If you are unhappy about your sexuality, that is something to work on, but if finding out has been a relief to you, has given you a sense of freedom or made you feel a sense of closure about yourself and your life thus far, then there is nothing to fix. You don't owe that person an explanation like this, and usually allosexual folks have a very difficult time understanding the difference between natural desire (which they have) and willful action. If that person is someone who matters to you, but has a hard time understanding, let them make the first move toward understanding you (such as asking more about you) and when you are ready, show them to resources that will help them if not understand fully at least comes to terms with the idea that you are happy with who you are. There are many resources on this site. 

 

Also, as a side note, I love your log-in name. I'm a geologist so that made me smile. 

 

13 hours ago, will123 said:

Thanks for answering that question about your username. My parents figured I'd be a geologist when I grew up. I was always picking up stones and reading about various minerals.

Incidentally, I was born in Ontario ... in Belleville, but only lived there until I was about four.  I love Canada

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1 hour ago, Haematite said:

 

 

Incidentally, I was born in Ontario ... in Belleville, but only lived there until I was about four.  I love Canada

I grew up and lived west of there in Oshawa until eight years ago. I'm about an hour and a half north of Belleville now. My most recent meet up was in Cobourg ;)

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NickyTannock

@Newperson Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry about your last relationship.

Have you thought about dating other Asexuals?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Lighthouse Cake (all edible),

p0vmyhztyhuus81elbty.jpg

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11 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@Newperson Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry about your last relationship.

Have you thought about dating other Asexuals?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Lighthouse Cake (all edible),

p0vmyhztyhuus81elbty.jpg

 

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@MichaelTannock 

Thank you!

 

I have never seriously thought that it might be possible to find an asexual partner! I've never explored any of this before, and I wish that I had. I think it's going to take a while to process everything. I'm so glad that I found this site.   

 

 

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7 hours ago, will123 said:

I grew up and lived west of there in Oshawa until eight years ago. I'm about an hour and a half north of Belleville now. My most recent meet up was in Cobourg ;)

Aaah, that's cool.  Living in the UK, I've never spoken to anyone before who has ever heard of Belleville.  I feel very fond of it ...

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22 hours ago, Miggs said:

I agree, it is pretty fantastic. I love it anyway. But that must have been a rough conversation. I know I'm in for a few myself but I've yet to experience that reaction. I credit where I live and the people I know for that. 

 

As for growing old and alone, there is a lot of stigma on that when there shouldn't be.

 

But if you feel you want a romantic relationship there are options, such as other aces who are not aromantic. But asexual folks are less common so we have a smaller pool of options for romantic relationships which can be off-putting. I do not have any inclination to be in a romantic relationship. I'm currently in what I would call a zucchini with a friend of mine whom I live with. They are non-binary and Ace, not so aromantic. We have identified each other as the other person's squish (non-sexual crush). So I feel I'm in a different mindset than you. I may be aromantic, I'm still figuring that out. And I still don't know how I feel about kids while my squish is planning on being pregnant and having a baby. So there are lots of types of relationships. There are successful romantic relationships between asexual and sexual people. But I am not someone who has not experienced that.  

I like the sound of having a squish!  That would suit me just fine at the moment :) 

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1 hour ago, Haematite said:

Aaah, that's cool.  Living in the UK, I've never spoken to anyone before who has ever heard of Belleville.  I feel very fond of it ...

Did you pick up an English accent upon moving there?

 

My grandmother emigrated from Birmingham to a town west of Belleville before WWI. She was quite young at the time. Her and her older brother got teased at school because they talked funny. She died when she was around 90 and still had the accent.

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On 7/19/2019 at 7:44 PM, Miggs said:

 I may be aromantic, I'm still figuring that out. And I still don't know how I feel about kids while my squish is planning on being pregnant and having a baby.

I've been aromantic all my life even though I figured out I was asexual twelve years beforehand.

 

In my 20s even before the majority of my social circle were getting engaged and married, I had no interest in marriage or fathering children. It wasn't until I was 44 when things changed for me.

 

I can see how that 'development' might affect your relationship. You obviously want to be with the other person, but does that include child rearing? This will sound crude, but it sounds like that wasn't what you signed up for.

 

Did you ever have any desire to have children of your own? Right there that could cause some incompatibilty with your squish. No different than an ace and a sexual person.

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