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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


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NickyTannock

@Teddi Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry that finding out you're Asexual was so upsetting, and for the problems caused by it in your marriage.

Have you come out to your husband?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's an Eagle Cake,

Eagle07_uedgft.jpg

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NickyTannock

@BlueSpruce Welcome to AVEN!

 

That does sound like Aesthetic Attraction.
I'm happy that you're relieved at the realisation.
I also have a strict religious family, but in my case, I'm nonreligious, and I've never had sex.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Vanilla Spruce Cake,

image1.jpg

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1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said:

Have you come out to your husband?

No, not yet. I feel like I need to gather more info and read other stories about other asexuals first. It's only been a couple of days since I realized this about myself. Thankfully, I'm no longer upset. I think I'm going through an emotional process because I'm starting to feel a certain new freedom I've never felt before. I think acceptance is right around the corner.  

 

Thanks for the eagle cake!!

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Hey, everyone!

I don't know if I'll end up posting on here regularly since I haven't posted regularly on a forum since 2014/2015, but I figured I'd share my story here anyway.

 

Let me start off by saying that for the longest time I thought I was straight, bi, or at least some kind of "sexual" because of a few reasons. The first, I have a few particular fetishes. I won't go too into detail about them--there are probably threads here better suited for that--but suffice it to say they involve one of my long-standing special interests: cartoons and anime. Because I was attracted to characters resembling men or women, that meant I must be attracted to the real thing, too, right? Well, so far it hasn't happened.

 

By my use of the phrase "special interests," some of you might realize that I'm also on the autism spectrum. This info is relevant because I always thought, due to a perceived lack of social skills, I just simply didn't understand how to attract someone, which was why I could never get anyone to date me in high school. (Little did I know that I needed to be sexually or romantically attracted to someone first in order to pursue them, which pretty much never happened back then.)

 

Finally, whenever I do have sexual fantasies, which is pretty often, I'm often not the one having sex with the object of my fantasies but instead I pretend to be another character or just a blank slate who represents me in some generic way. This "blank slate" is really excited/interested in having sex, while I would be neutral at best about having sex with one of these characters if I were ever to meet them in the real world. It wasn't until recently that this whole disconnect I have might have been related to possibly being asexual.

 

Anyway, sorry for writing a three-paragraph essay for my first post. I just had a lot of stuff I wanted to get out there. Hopefully I'll be able to interact with you all more often!

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NickyTannock

@ModFutura Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm also on the autism spectrum, though in my case, I've never fantasised about sex, or thought about pursuing a relationship.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a 'The Panda Bamboo Feast!' Cake,

tquuchvxnqbybcpcccvh.jpg

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Tsunami3107
17 hours ago, ModFutura said:

Hey, everyone!
...

Sorry for my English. I am writing through Google translator. I understand you. I love anime too! I also fantasize a lot! I am also asexual! What anime do you like? :)

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unkemptjellyfish

I only started to come to terms with my sexuality this year. I've been sure for quite a while that I'm not straight, but no label seemed to fit me perfectly. I thought that I was bi for most of high school. Then after heading to college, I heard the term asexual used, and I realized that the reason I thought I was bi was because I was feeling the same attraction to both genders, it just happens to be that that is none. So for the past few months I've been researching asexuality, and reading anything I could related to it. Only now do I finally feel comfortable enough with the label to admit that I am ace.

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NickyTannock

@unkemptjellyfish Welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Jellyfish Cake,

mtu8rawemyyc1o3jdaea.jpg

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3 hours ago, unkemptjellyfish said:

I only started to come to terms with my sexuality this year. I've been sure for quite a while that I'm not straight, but no label seemed to fit me perfectly. I thought that I was bi for most of high school. Then after heading to college, I heard the term asexual used, and I realized that the reason I thought I was bi was because I was feeling the same attraction to both genders, it just happens to be that that is none. So for the past few months I've been researching asexuality, and reading anything I could related to it. Only now do I finally feel comfortable enough with the label to admit that I am ace.

Welcome to AVEN! 🙂 When I found out about asexuality at age 44, it made perfect sense to me. I had tried to be straight since I liked females, but that was as far as it went, I was never intimate with one. I knew I wasn't gay because I wasn't attracted sexually or romantically to guys. I was completely unaware of asexuality until I stumbled across a newspaper article.

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8 hours ago, unkemptjellyfish said:

I only started to come to terms with my sexuality this year. I've been sure for quite a while that I'm not straight, but no label seemed to fit me perfectly. I thought that I was bi for most of high school. Then after heading to college, I heard the term asexual used, and I realized that the reason I thought I was bi was because I was feeling the same attraction to both genders, it just happens to be that that is none. So for the past few months I've been researching asexuality, and reading anything I could related to it. Only now do I finally feel comfortable enough with the label to admit that I am ace.

How similar our stories are @unkemptjellyfish !!! I'd always thought I was bi and you worded it so wonderfully... You feel the same attraction to both sexes which is none. I love that. I VERY recently realized my asexuality and, as of right now, I feel I'm Asexual/Biromantic.

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Hello,

I am new here and also just started coming to terms with my asexuality. I knew I always felt weird or off growing up. All my friends were into guys or girls and I just wasn’t interested in flirting or being physically with anyone. I always looked from afar. I never got that heart skip a beat feeling, that sexual attraction for anyone, or the urge to be sexually active. 

Although I have been sexually active in my journey of figuring out my sexuality I quickly learned that sex was not for me. I find it quite boring and unappealing. It does not replulse me it’s just not something that I want to do. I also feel very disinterested in romance. All my years of dating and having to fake my way through relationships I never understood why I couldn’t connect with anyone. At 25 I’ve never been in a serious relationship I am assuming that’s the reason. The thought of going on a date and having to kiss at the end, be physical, or be romantic is not usually what I’m interested in. It fills me with a lot of anxiety. 

When I stumbled upon asexuality I realized I align more with those who have aesthetic attraction and maybe a sensual attraction...I haven’t quite figured that out yet. However, I never wanted it to go further than that. I know I am usually hands off in most situations but I don’t mind looking. My best example would be for my birthday I went and saw a male strip show and I enjoyed looking and not touching or reacting. Naked men don’t bother me. I was not sexually aroused and I didn’t want to rip my clothes off but I enjoyed looking at the guys because they were aesthetically pleasing...if that makes sense... my hang up with being asexual is that I will never find anyone. I do not want to be alone forever and while it is relieving to have some sense of who I am it is also terrifying that I will not lead a normal life. It will always be difficult to date and explain to men that I am asexual and that I am opposed to almost all things physical an sexual. I am not sure I am prepared for a life like that. So far I have tried to surround myself with other things but it does get lonely. This place so far has really helped me understand myself more. It’s a great community. 

 

-Kat

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@Kat426 Welcome to AVEN! :cake: I've identified as asexual since 2005, but have only been active on AVEN for a couple of years. It is nice to be able to share thoughts and ask questions here.

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NickyTannock

@Kat426 Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be an Aromantic Asexual.

I'm probably not the best person to offer suggestions since I've never had or desired either sex or a romantic relationship, but have you thought about dating other Asexuals?
Or a QPR? (Queerplatonic Relationship) http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Snowman Cake,

w6ce8pse6se32qni7soz.jpg

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@MichaelTannock I have thought that I could be aromatic. Ive been in dating situations before and in all of them I was not feeling it. I always had to make excuses for why I didn’t feel like being physical. Being romantic never really took my interest. I have thought about dating other asexuals I just don’t know where to meet in person. Thank you for the cake! :) 

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i dont even remember finding out. my whole life it's just been "ew. no." i was one of the ones who thought i was broken. i was taught that humans were supposed to have intercourse. to you know. keep the species alive. i often did and still do think about how i should want intercourse and that i'm a pointless human for not. just a gene pool dead end if you will. it never got too serious, i was just kinda down sometimes. then, awhile ago i found the word asexual and i was like "not another thing from lgbt+ I have to memorize" i researched anyways because i'd like to think i'm inclusive and when i found out what asexuality was, i was like holy shit.

 

now i'm just really open about being asexual/romantic because i don't have anyone else around me irl who is ace and so when people want to know something i just tell them everything i can. gotta inform the general populus. 

 

for me nowadays, the word "sex" is the equivalent to most peoples "moist"  it always has been and i'm sure it will always make me cringe. idk, guess i'm a little weird. 

 

also not the biggest fan of cake. i love pizza tho 🍕🍕

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2 hours ago, ahce said:

 

now i'm just really open about being asexual/romantic because i don't have anyone else around me irl who is ace and so when people want to know something i just tell them everything i can. gotta inform the general populus. 

 

also not the biggest fan of cake. i love pizza tho 🍕🍕

I'm out to a few friends as aro ace, but not the general public. Mind you I tend to go into overdrive discussing asexuality and my life experience when I've told them about being an asexual person.

 

And yes, pizza is good too!

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Sacomoto Asuka

As I have been reading about asexuality I had a similar realization of "I'm not broken" as I read on Wikipedia which directed me here.  I had always wondered why I didn't feel sexually attracted to anyone.  Being in a Christian community for a while I felt like I had to want to be married and have sex but I didn't, which made me feel worse while I was in my early twenties.  All I could think was something must be wrong with me.  It was only recently that I started reading about Asexuality and demisexuality and I had never felt more understood.

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@Sacomoto Asuka Welcome to AVEN! :cake: I hope finding your way here helps you with any questions you may have.

 

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I don't think there was a point in time where i was like oh i have finally discovered who i am as I've always really known that i wasn't sexually or romantically attracted to anyone so i just picked up the label ace/aro and i don't know when. recently I've bought myself a black ring and a really cute ace bracelet and i love it so i wear it to school and i just kinda got on with my life so I've also never felt like i'm in the closet cause if someone asks me i'll just tell them so i guess i'm quite lucky. 

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NickyTannock

@Sacomoto Asuka Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm happy that you now feel understood and don't have to feel broken anymore.

 

@Aceon A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

In my case, it was a realisation I had in my early teens, and it took me about twenty years to get the courage to come out to my family.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Dragon Cake,

z8s904yjsrj7020kja7x.jpg

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1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said:

 

 

In my case, it was a realisation I had in my early teens,

 

Looking back at my teen years, I've come to the realisation I was asexual even though I didn't know it until YEARS later. I didn't date during or after high school. On weekends when friends were going to parties or dances (with the accompanying drinking and sexual activity), I was babysitting two kids down the street...

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yasinyellow

Hello! I suppose that this is as good a place as any to start. So I never really thought about my sexuality other than knowing that I identified as queer. That was until this past weekend when my best friend since grade school asked me if I was asexual. To say that her question threw me off is an understatement. She's a very sexual person and has never shied away from telling me about her dates, partners, etc. I, on the other hand, have always been unwilling and uncomfortable sharing my sexual history and because of this, I have always thought of myself as a prude or that something was wrong with me because I didn't like to share what I felt sexually or actively seek a partner. Prior to this weekend, whenever I would hear the word "asexual", I thought of it in a negative way and I just knew that it could never be me. Anyway, her question made me look a little deeper into asexuality and my own thoughts about my sexual identity and while I am not 100% sure if I am asexual, I am glad to have found this forum to explore and come to terms with what I feel. Thanks!

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1 hour ago, yasinyellow said:

Hello

Welcome to the forums! Have some traditional AVEN welcome :cake: .

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I'm finding this a difficult thing to start because I've known about asexuality for a little over a year but personally I never felt broken? More just I didn't realise everyone thought in a sexual way most of the time.

I was first introduced to demisexuality through following an author online as they spoke about one of their characters most likely being demisexual. I guess this intrigued me because I had never had the same kind of desperate need as some of my friends to be in a relationship or to have sex. It's more recently I've felt like I don't fit in or am broken in some way. This is partly due to many of my close friends moving on with their relationships, and partly due to the fact that this pride month I have been aware of more content and debate surrounding asexuality.

Only three people really know that I identify somewhere on the asexuality spectrum and them knowing is something of relief in my life but I'm quite scared to continue to tell people because what if im wrong or they dismiss it? Im in a constant battle with myself and just feel permanently unsure. Finally took the step of making an account here in the hopes that I can find other people who might have a better understanding or similar stories. 

Here's hoping this is a step towards feeling more at peace within myself again.

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14 minutes ago, moseph said:

Here's hoping this is a step towards feeling more at peace within myself again.

Best wishes and welcome to the forums! Have some traditional AVEN welcome :cake: .

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Optical_Illusion

When I found out about my asexuality, I was relieved and actually very happy. Everything down to the way I behaved and felt started to click as it all started to make sense. I came out to my closest friends and they felt happy for me. One of them was shocked that I had just found out and we had a laugh about it. After a long period of time, maybe a year or so, I came out to my parents and they were in denial. Fortunately though, everything was still fine between us.

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8 hours ago, yasinyellow said:

Anyway, her question made me look a little deeper into asexuality and my own thoughts about my sexual identity and while I am not 100% sure if I am asexual, I am glad to have found this forum to explore and come to terms with what I feel. Thanks!

Welcome to AVEN! :) Hopefully you can find what you're looking for here. Lots of great folks willing to help.

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6 hours ago, moseph said:

I'm finding this a difficult thing to start because I've known about asexuality for a little over a year but personally I never felt broken? More just I didn't realise everyone thought in a sexual way most of the time.

I was first introduced to demisexuality through following an author online as they spoke about one of their characters most likely being demisexual. I guess this intrigued me because I had never had the same kind of desperate need as some of my friends to be in a relationship or to have sex. It's more recently I've felt like I don't fit in or am broken in some way. This is partly due to many of my close friends moving on with their relationships, and partly due to the fact that this pride month I have been aware of more content and debate surrounding asexuality.

Only three people really know that I identify somewhere on the asexuality spectrum and them knowing is something of relief in my life but I'm quite scared to continue to tell people because what if im wrong or they dismiss it? Im in a constant battle with myself and just feel permanently unsure. Finally took the step of making an account here in the hopes that I can find other people who might have a better understanding or similar stories. 

Here's hoping this is a step towards feeling more at peace within myself again.

Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

 

I never felt broken concerning my lack of sexual activity. I just assumed I was straight but not doing a great job of it. I knew I wasn't gay as I had no interest in guys. It wasn't until I was 44 and stumbled onto a newspaper article about asexuality and asexuals (it mentioned AVEN too. Everything made sense and I was quite relieved to know why I was like I was. It was quite easy for me to identify as asexual.

 

I'm sure there are folks here that can help you feel better about yourself.

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40 minutes ago, Optical_Illusion said:

When I found out about my asexuality, I was relieved and actually very happy. Everything down to the way I behaved and felt started to click as it all started to make sense. I came out to my closest friends and they felt happy for me. One of them was shocked that I had just found out and we had a laugh about it. After a long period of time, maybe a year or so, I came out to my parents and they were in denial. Fortunately though, everything was still fine between us.

X100 on the bold.

 

I've told a few people but am not putting up a billboard announcing that I'm asexual.

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