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I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!


Lady Girl

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I just figured out a few days ago that I'm an ace, it's very releving to finally know that I'm not broke or off or anything like that, I'm completely new to this hole thing and would love some life advice if anyone has some for me. 

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I didn't know what asexuality was until my friend introduced it to me. I felt like I could relate to many asexuals, and I started questioning my sexual orientation. It felt great to have a term to describes my feelings. I had many doubts about it because I am still heteroromantic, but now I'm proud to be ace and I want some cake!!!

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NetflixandNoChill

Hi,

 

I have suspected for awhile that I fall under the asexual umbrella (maybe between grey-demi?). I really only started thinking a lot about in this last month though. My friends and I do not talk about our sex lives, really, or what happens in them so it can be hard for me to broach my thoughts about my lack of one with them. However, I went out to a dinner with a friend and we were just talking about life. My lack of experiences with relationships came up. It continued on into the night and I had discussion with my roommate later. My lack of relationship/interest into anything resembling a sexual desire. I equated my view of people to flowers. While I can say a flower looks beautiful or nice, I don't have any inclination towards it more than saying it is objectively(subjectively?) nice looking.

 

I have gone through 22 years of my life only really in one relationship experience (I don't really count it and neither do my friends). In this kinda relationship we kissed (close mouthed- open weirds me out) and cuddled a bit. Overall wasn't that into the idea of furthering our activities. A feeling of brokenness didn't haunt me, I just knew I was not comfortable with the thoughts of physical intimacy and would not be pressured.

 

I think I have only felt actual attraction once (not in that relationship,) and it was very fleeting. I've asked people I know who have what they consider to be active sex lives, what it feels like to experience such attraction and have been met with almost pitiful looks. I look forward to meeting people who have an idea about where I am coming from in my distance to such sexuality and a lack of judgement. 

 

TLDR? Hi again, hope to talk to you soon. 

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Hi everyone. 

For a long time, I'd felt something was off about me. I couldn't get myself to view sex the same way as others around me did. I always found it both scary and enviable how easy it was for them to just do it. I didn't get how they could just do it. And why didn't I feel like they did? Why didn't I want to do what they did.

Long story short, I felt apart, broken and felt - in comparison - repressed.

I tried to be more sexual but it never felt right. Never felt natural. Never felt...me. So here I am, 27, a virgin, but not inexperienced and demi. I think.

I don't remember how I came across asexuality. It was years ago but it never clicked until last year that it might apply to me. I don't remember how I started reading about it. I just stumbled upon it, read some more and found that I related a lot with demisexuality and gray asexuality. To be honest, I'm not sure which of the two apply most. But demisexuality sounds clearer than being gray-ace.

I can say that I have felt sexual attraction for two people. One was an ex-boyfriend, the other someone I got close with romantically, though not sexually, and with whom there never was anything concrete.

I identify as a romantic demisexual.

The more open and honest I've become with who I am (in more ways than purely asexuality), the more comfortable I am with saying, yup, this is me and I'm pretty okay with it. There are still things that confuse me every now and then, but for the most part I'm more at peace with myself.

While reading up more and more, I found AVEN and lurked a bit, on and off for a while. I finally decided today to create an account. I'm looking to make friends in the community, learn more about it, what asexuality means for others and in the process, hopefully learn more about myself.

Overall, it feels good to know about asexuality and liberating. It's like being allowed to be in the type of romantic relationship I want without being someone I'm not.

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I first learned about asexuality during pride week at my school. My teacher had sent out a bunch of videos and out of curiosity I watched one. It explained a bunch of sexualities and as soon as asexual came up I kinda thought "oh, well that actually explains a lot". All of the other girls my age would be pointing out cute guys and I'd be just standing there going "huh..... well... I guess?" or just completely oblivious to whatever was going on. I have a partner now and he's been with me for a couple years. He's been super accepting of me after I figured out I was ace and told him. I've visited a couple of threads on AVEN before, but I haven't made an account until now. I've never met any other ace people and I'm excited to hopefully become a part of this community.  

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I honestly...still kind of don't know yet what sexual orientation I am. I know a lot of people my age (most, probably) are either crushing on, liking, or at least thinking about a certain person, but I just don't feel the same. I have no idea what the appeal of sex is (not hating on it I just don't really feel the need to do it) even though I know probably 80% of my school has probably considered/tried it. The first time I really, actually realized I wasn't straight like other girls were (until this point, I had thought that maybe people were all having the same kinds of feelings as I was and were trying to date just for the sake of dating) was in a McDonalds with some girls from my school I didn't really know. My friends and I are all super nerdy and school-focused and we barely talk about relationships and potential partners at all, so I felt really weird and had no idea what to say when they all started talking about a guy who was apparently a god when it came to looks. They showed me pictures of him for like 10 minutes and I had no idea what to say accept for pretend to giggle like everyone else and agree that yes, he was indeed a hottie and wow would I love for him to be my guy.

I'm still thinking that maybe I just haven't met the right person yet, but I have no idea how I'll know I like someone, since I've never liked anyone before (except for when pressured by, yet again, girls I barely knew in middle school and elementary school that I HAD to like someone).

Whew. Wow. That was waayyyy longer than I expected it to be. I've been wanting to say all that for a long time.

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Hello! My name is Jadzia and I'm 14. When I found out about asexuality I didn't care. At that point, sexuality wasn't big... Yet. Later my perspective changed as I got pressure to start dating from my peers and family. Which was really annoying to me because how can I date if I find literally nobody attractive, don't want ANYTHING from them *cough* like sex *cough* and am just that awkward nerd in the background anyway? Then I remembered asexuality and kind of used it as a definition to define my lack of interactions with other people. Now, I am experiencing the issue of everyone calling my asexuality a phase and its awful. So to recap my answer the original thing, my first finding of asexuality was unremarkable. But, it really turned out to help me survive middle school and is now killing me slowly because of the people around me. Thanks for reading my rant/question answer/thing, and if anyone has any ideas how to explain that asexuality isn't necessarily a phrase to the most narrowminded people please tell me. I just got on this site so I have no idea how it works but I'm going to have it notify me of replies so if you reply in here in sure to see in a few days. Thanks!

 

PS(because figuring where this fits in that jumble of usually confined emotions would suck): So I mentioned that I started getting pressure to date and other than flat out telling someone I'm ace, how do I nicely reject people? I hate making people sad and that tends to make people sad and I really don't want to end up guilt tripped into a relationship that I don't want. Thanks again~

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YuriAmethyst

I knew there was asexuality since ten years or so but i never thought it aplied to me because i do like cuddling kissing tickling and i do have a lust for such things and later on i discovered BDSM for myself but i dont have Lust for sex

I just thought that i just had to find the right Partner bc my relationships until then were just short and not so wholesom i defined as lesbian First than ae i reallizer i was trans as pan

Now im together with a wonderful trans guy who accepts really who i am and my sexual attraction and lust hasnt just appeared out of thinn air

 

Now where i accept that im somewhere on the a spectrum i feel so free and think wow why didnt i accept that earlier

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MakeupJunkie4

@Toadie this sounds a lot like me in my younger years. If someone had explained asexuality to me as a teen, I probably would have not been sure either, because I had a few crushes (although in retrospect, I now know that they were more like squishes). Because you mentioned feeling pressured to like someone (but you weren't sure if you truly were attracted), you probably are on the ace/aro spectrum. It just takes time to adjust. 👍😊

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-----------------

I actually used to think I was broken, but then I did some research to find out what was "wrong" with me. Turns out there was nothing wrong with me and I was not broken. It was such a relief:D. I could have known earlier, because in ninth grade we were taught all about sexuality and gender, but nobody ever mentioned the word asexual. I feel like they should definetly include asexuality in sex ed.

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On 10/25/2017 at 2:08 PM, pm_Tea said:

 We will now embark on this voyage of discovery together......because nothing has changed between us accept a greater understanding of each other’s needs. 

That is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story! 

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TheresAlwaysANewDay

The first time I had heard of the term Asexual, I was with my friend, and we were playing 2 truths and lie, and then she told us that she was ace, and two other things that I forget. Anyways, the ace part was a truth, and so I was like, well, what does it mean, to be ace? After she explained it me, blah blah blah, and all that, I was just thinking, Woah! That is EXACTLY how I've been feeling!!! And I mean, back then I was like barly twelve, my birthday has been like a month ago, so before that I figured I just had no sexual attraction to anyone, because, well, I wasn't even a teen yet! Now that I know what being ace truly means, I'm feeling much more comfortable, knowing that asexual is who I am. 

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I am very new to this site and even though I have somehow known for a long time that I am asexual it was only yesterday I felt like I really realized it. It sounds weird but I have always just told myself that my lack of romantic/sexual feelings towards other people was due to bad self-esteem, daddy issues/commitment issues, so getting closer to admitting that I probably am asexual is extremely scary for me. It is also kinda nice because I can finally see that there is a reason for how I am feeling, but even if I just blame it on the fact that I am asexual I am so scared that I will always feel abnormal and never have the life that I always wanted/ was raised to believe was the right thing (eg. having kids).  

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Yeah it felt reassuring to know that I felt kinda off about the whole sex thing and that I wasn't alone, they never taught us about asexuality in sex ed

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On 1/14/2018 at 3:08 PM, Peanutrolls said:

Yeah it felt reassuring to know that I felt kinda off about the whole sex thing and that I wasn't alone, they never taught us about asexuality in sex ed

You are right. There are *a lot* of things they don't tell you in sex ed. I felt lucky I had one instructor who was hell bent on educating us on drugs..... and I guess assumed we all knew everything about sex already. Meh. 

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Labels... I love labels!!! I know that sounds crazy when you've gone through life being told you're broken and having labels applied to you (sooo much glue!) and no way of actually bridging a paradigm that's so deeply engrained in (what seems like) everyone else so you feel like a desert island in a vast ocean of sexuality and a mass frenzy to teach women to be confident and openly express their sensuality...

 

I was raised in a conservative family. That means I got the "wifely duties" talk from my mother even though I grew up in the modern era. I guess that confused the issue and made me feel there wasn't something unusual about me, but marriage (and subsequent divorce) in that modern era, when men expect women to not only tolerate but participate and express satisfaction disabused me of the notion by age 25. I've spent the last 23 years wearing a mask and if the mask slips, it all falls apart. I mean that literally. I wasn't joking that keeping it up through a second, 17 year marriage, has left me suffering with PTSD.

 

I yearn for a partner, but partnership is too difficult... But now... I have a label for those who need labels, for those who cannot possibly understand, but who accept any reality if it comes with a label. I'm not sociopathic or narcissistic or autistic or have a sexual dysfunction just because I'm not aroused by a person's physical body. I don't have intimacy issues or an inability to connect romantically just because I find foreplay completely pointless. It's called asexuality, baby, and it doesn't change who I am as a person, my ability to love deeply or hurt profoundly. Just because I don't see sex as a way to share intimacy doesn't mean I'm incapable of intimacy...

 

Maybe I'm a little too optimistic, but having this magic word feels like it changes everything. I have hope of one day finding someone, now, and not investing nearly a decade in a masquerade only to find myself discarded because they'll know... I can tell them: I'm not broken. Don't try to fix me. Just take me as I am... And if they do, if they get it (and with that magic word, maybe someone actually will) maybe I can have the life I want with someone who truly loves me...

 

So, yeah. Joy doesn't begin to express it. Transcendent comes close.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Finally figuring out why I’ve just been meh about relationships...because in the world I am surrounded by people who are in heterosexual marriages so I figured that was just what people do and I was supposed to conform to that. Never mind that I always felt gross after having sex and the only time I could bring myself to do it was when I was drunk or ovulating and even then I missed the alcohol. Now Im divorces, I don’t drink to excess anymore and trying to date has been a nightmare as every single guy seems to be primarily sex focused. I would love an intimate partner but it’s an emotional and intellectual intimacy from sharing and relying on one another that I crave. It seems like a long lonely road but I gotta day finding this forum and seeing there are others who relate is comforting. I hope we all find what we are looking for.

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  • 2 weeks later...
krystal_muzik
On ‎2‎/‎1‎/‎2018 at 6:43 PM, Reanime333 said:

Finally figuring out why I’ve just been meh about relationships...because in the world I am surrounded by people who are in heterosexual marriages so I figured that was just what people do and I was supposed to conform to that. Never mind that I always felt gross after having sex and the only time I could bring myself to do it was when I was drunk or ovulating and even then I missed the alcohol. Now Im divorces, I don’t drink to excess anymore and trying to date has been a nightmare as every single guy seems to be primarily sex focused. I would love an intimate partner but it’s an emotional and intellectual intimacy from sharing and relying on one another that I crave. It seems like a long lonely road but I gotta day finding this forum and seeing there are others who relate is comforting. I hope we all find what we are looking for.

You are right...with 99% of the guys out there, it seems like sex is all they are after. They will say and do anything to get in those panties! I'm like what's the big deal....I am more than a walking vagina. Part of me wonders how much is biology and how much of it is societal conditioning of what they say men "should" be like. 

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I just recently discovered my asexuality and the first thought that came into my head wasn't " I'm not broken" or a sigh of relief; but instead I just thought, "what the heck do I do now?" Still trying to figure that out.

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I remember first hearing about asexuality and thinking it was cool, I actually first thought I was demisexual, but then one night I was talking to my friend and all of a sudden I had that "oh well I guess I'm ace moment" and then continued on with my night.

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First thoughts for me were probably along the lines of "ok so I may be broken, but at least I'm not alone". I no longer feel broken, but I still feel quite frustrated when I finally find someone I'm into, only to be dismayed when we get to the sex stage and I'm reminded that this part of me is still here. Like I forget about it entirely or convince myself that my lack of interest was just because of the other people I dated. Nope, it's me. So I should probably try and find someone who is also asexual, but I feel like that would narrow down the dating pool infinitesimally. Sometimes  feel like it'd be easier to just fake interest in order to keep the person you've otherwise fallen for... Anyone else?

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BessTheLandlordsDaughter
On 11/25/2012 at 3:11 PM, MalkavianActs said:

I see where a lot of people were like "so I'm not broken, I'm just asexual" reaction. I was more, "So everyone else isn't just exaggerating their sexual desire, I'm just asexual" lol. I really thought the rest of the population was just over doing the whole importance of sex thing (I still think they are but now it's for different reasons). I just thought it was funny that other asexuals thought something was wrong with themselves and I thought something was wrong with sexual people. It was sort of flip flopped haha! And I'm more demisexual than asexual btw.

I know exactly what you mean. I don't know how many times over the years that I've rolled my eyes at my friends seemingly "sex crazed" antics wondering why they can't chill out when apparently I'm the one that's out of alignment with the majority! Oops. :)

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BessTheLandlordsDaughter
18 hours ago, PussPuss said:

First thoughts for me were probably along the lines of "ok so I may be broken, but at least I'm not alone". I no longer feel broken, but I still feel quite frustrated when I finally find someone I'm into, only to be dismayed when we get to the sex stage and I'm reminded that this part of me is still here. Like I forget about it entirely or convince myself that my lack of interest was just because of the other people I dated. Nope, it's me. So I should probably try and find someone who is also asexual, but I feel like that would narrow down the dating pool infinitesimally. Sometimes  feel like it'd be easier to just fake interest in order to keep the person you've otherwise fallen for... Anyone else?

I understand exactly what you are saying! I spent so many years just thinking that I hadn't met the "right one" and when I did, I would feel everything that everyone else did and it would be "the moment" or whatever and it just refused to happen. So I finally figure out what I am and I guess I don't need therapy or "help" or anything like that except I still feel screwed because what the heck do I do now? Even though I know that there are happy ace-type couples out there it feels like impossibly small odds that I'll find someone that I actually love, that loves me and we'll be actually sexually compatible. 

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Yoo so I'm still pretty new to this whole asexuality thing, but I really feel like I'm starting to piece together how I really feel about sex (hint: yeah no not gonna happen lol). It's so nice to feel legitimised by this community, having grown up in a very conservative Christian community where cis/het was all there was. It's definitely amazing and almost overwhelming to find out how sexual people are, and how asexual I am in comparison.

 

I guess I was always told to "save myself for marriage", so I always assumed that, if I did get into a relationship, I wouldn't need to do anything or feel sexually attracted until, you know, the wedding night, and that that was what "falling in love" was. When I did get into a relationship, of course, I realised that love and sexual attraction were... kind of different. 

 

Fast forward to now, and I'm a single celibate virgin who feels no need to change that situation, and is really excited (but kind of nervous at the same time) to explore this new aspect of my personality! :)

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SilverForestFae

I always wanted kids, so I knew I'd have to have sex. But no part of me thought of it. Like, I thought of having a husband, and having kids, but I never daydreamed of sex. Never wanted it. And never thought it'd be enjoyable. It was just something you did cause you wanted kids. So I was always really confused by others who wanted sex and not kids. Also, I used to just sit and like roll my eyes at people in the media who had affairs, or got pregnant when they weren't planning it cause I was like "umm duh..? Just stop you idiot. It's not that hard." I still have a hard time believing it is cause I've never experienced that desire. I just joined today and I saw someone else wrote they didn't realize when people said they were attracted to someone it actually meant they wanted to have sex. I am 20 years old and seriously did not know this. I mean, I kind of thought it meant they were attracted in a romantic/could become sexual way. But.. just yeah. 

 

Anyway, about my reaction. I was like "holy cow, so much stuff makes sense." And I was like happy but not happy. Sometimes I was glad to have an understanding of myself. Sometimes I was sad cause I still didn't really feel connected to others. Somewhere I went from being happy to understand such a huge thing about myself, to trying to force myself into liking sex by watching it, reading it or fantasizing about it (which I was actually unable to do). I ended up making myself sick to my stomach... multiple times. I still haven't come to terms with it 100%, but on my good days, I'm getting there. 

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SilverForestFae
On 2/25/2018 at 3:52 PM, PadawanNerd said:

Yoo so I'm still pretty new to this whole asexuality thing, but I really feel like I'm starting to piece together how I really feel about sex (hint: yeah no not gonna happen lol). It's so nice to feel legitimised by this community, having grown up in a very conservative Christian community where cis/het was all there was. It's definitely amazing and almost overwhelming to find out how sexual people are, and how asexual I am in comparison.

 

I guess I was always told to "save myself for marriage", so I always assumed that, if I did get into a relationship, I wouldn't need to do anything or feel sexually attracted until, you know, the wedding night, and that that was what "falling in love" was. When I did get into a relationship, of course, I realised that love and sexual attraction were... kind of different. 

 

Fast forward to now, and I'm a single celibate virgin who feels no need to change that situation, and is really excited (but kind of nervous at the same time) to explore this new aspect of my personality! :)

I'm also new here and I have no idea how to reply or how to trim this down to only a specific part. But I really get what you mean! I grew up with the same standards.  I truly believed people only had sex for the sake of children until I got a little older and it was just confusing why people wanted it if they didn't want kids. And I always felt the same about relationships. I thought all that sexual stuff would happen on the wedding night. "If you love each other then you'll want that." So I assumed that was true 100% of the time. In theory, I wanted sex cause I wanted a marriage. So for a long time I didn't think I was different. I didn't talk to other people my age about this stuff. It's still hard for me to talk to my closest friend about some of it. So I never had others lives to compare to. Also, I relate so hard to the overwhelming shock of how sexual people truly are. Like, it's unreal

 

Thanks for posting by the way! I'm glad to know someone has had a similar experience to me

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