I Don't Want Sex and That's Okay? How it Feels to Hear About Asexuality!

[Lady Girl]

How it feels to first hear about asexuality obviously varies from person to person. Reactions range from relief to total joy and for some a bit of sadness. Most people are pretty happy to find out they are not 'broken', as this seems to be perhaps one of the most common assumptions upon realizing they don't feel strong or any sexual feelings at all towards other people.

This thread is going to be a collection of the first thoughts you had when you realized you are asexual. Newbies are certainly welcome to contribute (you're having these feelings...please contribute!). Anyone else who cares to recall those early days of discovery and how it felt to join a group of people who can relate to not feeling sexual attraction or who may not have any real desire for sex, please contribute as well!

New members post here, start your own intro thread, or both!!! I want to kick off this thread with the post that inspired this project, it's from our own ithaca!

 

ithaca said:

Hello everyone!

Today I was browsing Freedom Requires Wings, especially the page about Asexuality. I have noticed a very nice post, that explains the feelings when finding out that asexuality exists and it actually fits!

Like the OP of that thread, I had felt broken and weird for a long time, and I had forced myself into dating and tried feeling like other people with no results.

Then I found AVEN. My first thing was joining the chatroom and getting to know people. I have always had a hard time talking about myself, I can post long stuff about generic things, essays and the like, but talking about me is a different matter entirely. It felt so great, though, to find people similar to myself to talk to.

When someone suggested that I post an intro thread in the Welcome Lounge forum, I sort of panicked a little. It took me a few days to post something. You, person reading and thinking you may be asexual, are not broken, you are not weird and you are not alone. Post the line(s) you feel like posting, noone will tell you it's not enough as an intro here. This thread can maybe help shy newbies a little. You can relax and look around as long as you want to. You are welcome here!

[5_♦♣]

When I first realized I was Asexual, I was so relieved that I figured myself out that I didn't bother joining at the time. For me, just finally knowing my orientation was enough.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I had almost a stereotypical "*whew* I'm not broken..." reaction. Followed by months of poking around and discussion on AVEN and comparing notes with what others are saying. Mostly to work out if I might be subconsciously using it to cover up something - ie Not taking responsibility for some personal issues by labelling them an "orientation", etc.

Now I'm pretty convinced that my sexuality is some kind of grey/demisexual, pretty close to ace for the most part really.

[daveb]

Yeah, typical feeling of relief to finally know that asexuality is a "thing", and that the label fits me and illuminates parts of my past. I'm okay, I'm not broken. I am happy and don't have to try to fit into something that is not me. And if I ever find my way into another relationship I know better what I want and what I can offer, which would hopefully make for a better relationship.

For me, increased self-knowledge has lead to increased self-acceptance, contentment and peace of mind.

[UF6]

I noticed that I was asexual around my early teens. I really thought I was in denial and just being scared of others around me. I was asked out a lot in high school and each time I rejected it and many people in my class felt I was either a closet homosexual or weird. I forced myself into thinking that I didn't have these feelings by attempting to watch various pornography of either sexes, just I never felt anything at all. I tried various other stuff in high school like going to prom, just I felt nothing. I was pretty anti-sexual and was pretty hostile to others for flirting at me or talking of sex near me. Over the years I'm not bothered by this and my girlfriend has helped calm me down. I feel since my relationship my sexual frustrations I had can come to past and I can move on.

As for what I feel of others I can like both sexes. So I guess that would make me bi? Just I like females more since I've meet more who have a much kinder character than any males I've encountered so far. Also most males I've meet even if they be gay or bi seem to handle emotions of others not as-well or feel scared to show emotions.

I've noticed after reading many others on the forums over the past few days that feeling broken is really common... I feel a bit happy in knowing that others feel this way too.

[cleuchtturm]

For me, there weren't really words that described it. I never said anything. I just smiled really wide and made seal like noises while clapping my hands together like a doofus. And relief. Relief was a big one. Then later after making friends in a very short amount of time here (I've always had an extremely hard time making friends) I finally said "these are my people."

[Savalon]

After discovering all of this a few days ago, I feel like my life is ruined. Sorry to throw such a downer on this.

[Tengu]

I think I had the inverse epiphany. I discovered that everyone else was sexual. I have a personality that can ignore anything that doesn't directly relate or affect me, so I think I ignored the whole sex thing. When I finally understood how much sex affected other people's lives, I had a big "OOOOOOoooohhhhhhhhhh" moment, and I was flooded with memories of situations that didn't make sense at the time. They finally made sense when put into context of my being asexual, and the rest of the world being sexual.

I think I was excited because things I didn't understand finally made sense. I'm able to use these new pieces of data to interact better with people around me.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I think I had the inverse epiphany. I discovered that everyone else was sexual. I have a personality that can ignore anything that doesn't directly relate or affect me, so I think I ignored the whole sex thing. When I finally understood how much sex affected other people's lives, I had a big "OOOOOOoooohhhhhhhhhh" moment, and I was flooded with memories of situations that didn't make sense at the time. They finally made sense when put into context of my being asexual, and the rest of the world being sexual.

I think I was excited because things I didn't understand finally made sense. I'm able to use these new pieces of data to interact better with people around me.

I have a bit of this too...

A lot of stuff didn't make much sense to me in the past. eg. The fact that things like the "sex industry" exist at all - let alone that it's a roaring industry. Since I can't see sexual attraction in strangers, things like strip clubs never made much sense to me. I always thought it must be either catering to some small minority of pervs who are there all the time, or else that people are hyping up how much they actually find it attractive - or like that it's some kind of macho bonding ritual which has little to do with actually finding the girls all that exciting to look at all evening.

But yeah, all these freaky moments with how demisexuality clashes with the standard sexual world are a good demonstration of the "there's only one common factor" effect. I really should have seen it sooner, but hey. :lol:

[ithaca]

things like strip clubs never made much sense to me. I always thought it must be either catering to some small minority of pervs who are there all the time, or else that people are hyping up how much they actually find it attractive - or like that it's some kind of macho bonding ritual which has little to do with actually finding the girls all that exciting to look at all evening.

Wait....it's not like that? o.o

[LivinOn]

I had the mix of the epiphany & inverse epiphany. In high school, I just thought people were trying to talk "big" about sex so that they appeared more like adults. But, after entering college & hearing people become more open with the sexuality stories, I "awoke" to just how much sex was involved in people's lives. I had felt attraction before, but it was such an innocent lets-be-close-friends kind of attraction. I tried relationships, but the farthest I could ever go was a little cuddling one time. For the life of me, I could not figure out what was my deal. Was I just conservative as far as relationships go? That was incredibly weird to me, 'cause I tend to be quite free-minded when it comes to social matters. I then heard about a forensics teammate who was asexual. The dots instantly connected. It was a great feeling to finally have an explanation as to why I didn't think the same way about sex as others did. I only used the term, though, & I wasn't very open with it at first. Afterall, I was still grappling with whether I was truly asexual or not. It was around August that I finally became open with it. However, despite my teammate and me using the term asexual, we had never heard of AVEN before. She had heard about an article about asexuality once, but that was all our knowledge. I just recently discovered this website, and it's hard to explain how I felt when I found this. The way I stated it on facebook was, "I feel like a lesbian discovering the LGBT community for the first time. This is so exciting!!" I feel relaxed and comforted finally knowing where I fit in the sexuality spectrum. My teammate is also really excited with the information I've been relaying to her. We just kind-of felt "out at sea" before. Knowing and accepting that I'm asexual has given me some solid footing.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

First I thought this is not me, I'm not one of them but I'm very happy other people it's not king to have sex and that made me really happy. My first reaction to all that was: "I have to find them! They must be around in the internet or something", so... here I am :lol:.

[MalkavianActs]

I see where a lot of people were like "so I'm not broken, I'm just asexual" reaction. I was more, "So everyone else isn't just exaggerating their sexual desire, I'm just asexual" lol. I really thought the rest of the population was just over doing the whole importance of sex thing (I still think they are but now it's for different reasons). I just thought it was funny that other asexuals thought something was wrong with themselves and I thought something was wrong with sexual people. It was sort of flip flopped haha! And I'm more demisexual than asexual btw.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

"So everyone else isn't just exaggerating their sexual desire, I'm just asexual" lol.

I had a lot of moments like this during my uni years, and into my 20s and early 30s until I discovered demisexuality and asexuality last year...

During uni for example, the whole casual hookup culture with partying didn't make too much sense to me. But I guess on some level I just rationalised it as some kind of experimentation - like, people are forcing themselves to try sexual things with different people to see what it's like. Even though they might not really be "into it" all that much or even necessarily find it pleasant.

After uni it started to get more annoying. I'd have these moments where, for example, there would be highly sexualised conversations about "hot chicks" and such in the lunchroom at work (I worked in extremely male-dominated industries mostly). My feeling was always something like: "Oh what? Are we still on this? I though adults have better things to talk about!" - as if it's something that only teenagers and experimenting college students have on their minds so much, etc.

[ithaca]

After discovering all of this a few days ago, I feel like my life is ruined. Sorry to throw such a downer on this.

**sends hugs and cookies**

[Lady Girl]

Just for fun, I have looked up sexual frequency a couple of times and am always shocked when I see the low number. Younger couples average twice a week, couples that are older average perhaps once a week. I mentioned these figures to my husband just now, he sighed and shook his head and said, yeah, it just doesn't seem right. :lol: He almost had a heart attack when I mentioned your numbers CBC! But then I figured at twice a week, maybe an hour per interlude, this only amounts to 1/84th of actual time...then it didn't seem as bad to him. When I started reading the new Bogaert book one of the things he commented on was the astounding amount of time, energy, and money sexual people invest in something they spend a relatively tiny portion of their time actually doing.

For me, when I realized my husband might be asexual, I was so tremendously relieved to see that what had set us at odds was not just in my head...it was real. When he confirmed that he is, we both felt better about all the past difficulties we had concerning this. At last, an explanation, that's what I thought.

[alison_alice]

I had mixed feelings. Initially I was really, really upset because I felt like all of my life plans (i.e. wife and mother) had been destroyed. At the same time, I felt sort of relieved, too that asexuality was an actual thing. I mean, I think I should have realized something was up when I was literally calculating how times I'd probably have to have sex to get the amount of kids I wanted (always wanted multiples; less sex, more kids XD). Currently, I'm still not totally comfortable/at peace with my asexuality, but I feel much more positively about it than I did before, and I feel like I understand myself so much more. It's helped me realign my priorities (I don't even want kids or marriage anymore, lol), but at the same time it's made me sort of hyperaware of how I physically interact with other people which can be...uncomfortable at times. So sort of a mixed bag for me.

[Proudtobe]

I never understood what sexual attraction was, or how it felt. I just never questioned it. When I found out what it was while looking into what asexual is, I just stopped for a minute..

I remember thinking "wow.. um.. I don't think I've ever felt that... this makes so much sense."

& from that I realized what i am, who I am. I finally know myself :D

Such a relief to find this site, thought i was just weird. I know better now.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

When I started reading the new Bogaert book one of the things he commented on was the astounding amount of time, energy, and money sexual people invest in something they spend a relatively tiny portion of their time actually doing.

This is another thing that I always found really bizarre, my whole life. Until working out that I'm simply seeing it differently that is. :lol:

When people carried on and on with sex talk, and how awesome such and such sexual things are, it always sounded really esoteric to me - sort of like when you're in a conversation with friends and they're talking about some obscure mutual hobby they have that you're not really into. You just kinda wish the conversation would move to another topic - not because you find it repulsive or anything - but simply boring to talk about that topic in so much nitty gritty detail. It's like "OMG! We've covered that already when we were 15! Why are we on it again?!".

That said, now that I've discovered asexuality, I find sex talk quite interesting - but mostly in an intellectual sense. Working out how people are different in subtle ways, either in terms of being on the asexual spectrum, or in general. How sexuality interacts with romance, aesthetics, etc.

[ithaca]

For me, when I realized my husband might be asexual, I was so tremendously relieved to see that what had set us at odds was not just in my head...it was real. When he confirmed that he is, we both felt better about all the past difficulties we had concerning this. At last, an explanation, that's what I thought.

I was just about to ask you if you felt like sharing your feelings when you first found out about asexuality, as a sexual partner. :) Thanks for sharing

[SmplyM3]

When I learned about asexuality, I was skeptical at first because I'm not too fond of labels. After looking into it, I was so relieved that I wasn't the only one!

I guess I was born this way. My mind always thought about sex as something only married people would do just to have kids. I never viewed it as a pleasurable experience.

When I got older, I realized that people actually wanted to have sex, and that disturbed me. I thought there was something wrong. Once I expressed myself to a friend of mine, she told me about asexuality and after some studies, it felt great.

The public view of my orientation wasn't as inviting, but that's another story.

Sorry... I think I rambled a bit... oops :3

[Ritchie333]

I first heard about asexuality at the start of the year when it was mentioned in a BBC News article, and it was like an epiphany. It was so great to find that other people felt the same way I do, and this place enabled me to talk about sex and relationships in a comfortable manner that I never could have done before.

[SirFox]

Having been concerned and confused about my sexuality for a while now, finding aven made me feel secure and at home. I actually once thought I was bisexual because I felt no different between genders in terms of sexual desire!

[A Taste of Harmony]

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[FlopTart]

I think only by finally getting into a relationship and opening up to somebody (at the age of 24). Even with already preexisting knowledge I was not a typical person. Having struggled with the idea of sex at a younger age, I figured I had finally had enough loneliness and decided to chance it and find someone to fall in love with(didn’t happen overnight). I figured maybe the issues had been just because I hadn't found the right person. We were both virgins, and I was deeply in love and figured she felt she same, I was very happy with everything, but I suppose she didn’t feel the same. I suppose I thought my interest in sex would increase with being in a loving relationship and trusting the person greatly.

Long story short, after some trial and error it took the failing of our relationship for me to finally clue into things and finally accept who I am.. So I wasn’t exactly jumping with joy, but I did feel relief and am happy there are so many other people who are in a similar situation. I guess I am just fighting the thought of feeling that there is something wrong with me. I am glad there is a community likes this where I feel more normal.

I suppose my realization (still pondering it all :S) is kind of medium. Pro’s and con’s I guess..

[watergoddesskasey]

I feel that because I don't want sex that I will never find that special someone and I will be alone forever. I feel this constant pressure from family to not be a virgin at my age but i dont want sex. Whats so great about something people can do themselves any way? I feel like the weird freak of the family and I am constantly being pressured to go on dates but I always have this nagging fear that they are going to get handsy,or try something. What can I do?! :(

[daveb]

I feel that because I don't want sex that I will never find that special someone and I will be alone forever. I feel this constant pressure from family to not be a virgin at my age but i dont want sex. Whats so great about something people can do themselves any way? I feel like the weird freak of the family and I am constantly being pressured to go on dates but I always have this nagging fear that they are going to get handsy,or try something. What can I do?! :(

Find another asexual?

I know, easier said than done. On the other hand there are a fair few asexual couples around, quite a few on this forum.

[ithaca]

I feel that because I don't want sex that I will never find that special someone and I will be alone forever. I feel this constant pressure from family to not be a virgin at my age but i dont want sex. Whats so great about something people can do themselves any way? I feel like the weird freak of the family and I am constantly being pressured to go on dates but I always have this nagging fear that they are going to get handsy,or try something. What can I do?! :(

As daveb says, you can find another asexual (going to meetups can help) or you could find a non-asexual partner who accepts you the way you are. There's couples in which the sexual partner goes out looking for sex elsewhere, but there's also couples where the sexual partner is willing to give up sex. This thread could maybe cheer you up :) http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php/topic/75866-show-me-an-asexualsexual-partnership-with-no-sex/

[BlueBoxFox]

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I cried from relief.

[anatheartist]

Hello everyone,

New to the forums. All I want to say is:

I don't want sex, and that's ok!

Thank you for existing. Now, I don't feel so alone.

:*)