Is demisexual even a real sexual orientation?

[SugarSprinkledFox]

I've seen people say it isn't and gave pretty good points.

What do you think?

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Yes.

[Naylien]

I mean, it IS a really thing but I would put it in the "sexual" category rather than "asexual" because you still experience sexual attraction.

I'm a demiromantic. There's NO WAY I could EVER be attracted to someone, or think they are attractive (I mean, I can say someone is "good looking" but wouldn't consider myself attracted to them) before really knowing them and having a close bond.

[dooomninja]

what "points". stating there are some and not giving any isn't helpful...

[SugarSprinkledFox]

what "points". stating there are some and not giving any isn't helpful...

Apoligize, I will copy and paste something from tumblr

Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to now how you are attracted to them.

If you’re gay/lesbian, you’re attracted to your own gender.

If you’re straight, you’re attracted to the opposite gender.

If you’re ace, you’re attracted to no gender.

If you’re bi, you’re attracted to both.

Saying “I’m demisexual, that means I’m only attracted once I’m in love with you” doesn’t tell WHO you’re attracted to, but only HOW you’re attracted to them.

So what if you’re gay or straight or whatever but only attracted once you know the person well?

So fucking what?

It doesn’t make you special. You don’t fucking need a special word for it.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to now how you are attracted to them.

I think that's a limiting way of looking at it...

[Janus the Fox]

Some say its a feature, an addition or something separate from the gender you are attracted to.

People will have their own definitions of orientation, denying others opinions as incorrect is just... Simply wrong.

[test account]

I have to admit, I don't see it as an orientation for the reason mentioned. You can be hypersexual, and that isn't an orientation, its just how sexually "turned on" you are. I will go further and say I don't even think asexuality is an orientation, but rather, an expression of how sexual you are. You can attracted to the opposite gender for a life partner but never be turned on sexually for them...in my opinion that makes you hetero in orientation, and asexual in your level of sexuality. Demisexuality would be the next level, moderately sexual the next, and then hypersexual. And I know other people may argue vehemently against what I just said, but that's fine. Its up to everyone to reach their own conclusions.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I have to admit, I don't see it as an orientation for the reason mentioned. You can be hypersexual, and that isn't an orientation, its just how sexually "turned on" you are. I will go further and say I don't even think asexuality is an orientation, but rather, an expression of how sexual you are. You can attracted to the opposite gender for a life partner but never be turned on sexually for them...in my opinion that makes you hetero in orientation, and asexual in your level of sexuality. Demisexuality would be the next level, moderately sexual the next, and then hypersexual. And I know other people may argue vehemently against what I just said, but that's fine. Its up to everyone to reach their own conclusions.

In some ways this is actually how I look at it. Basically that instead of just the straight-bi-gay spectrum, there is also this "level of sexuality" spectrum, which ranges from totally asexual right through to raging hypersexual.

I suppose it's semantics whether the whole thing is thought of in terms of "sexual orientation" being this two dimensional axis, or whether you think of this "level of sexuality" as a separate thing. *shrug*

[Arf]

Sexuality is infinitely complex and demisexuality is cohesive and consistent between the people who identify as it. That said, I would definitely place it in the sexual category as I love sex as much as any sexual... It's just the question of how my attraction to others works which makes me not a sexual fully. Admittedly, I don't fully identify with sexuals OR asexuals so I find the label of demisexuality valuable to find others who feel how I do.

[Philip027]

It's a real thing, but it's not really a sexual orientation. As you said, orientations indicate what sex/gender you're attracted to. "Demisexual" only indicates a condition(s) required for said attraction to take place.

That doesn't make it any less important/useful of a term, just that I wouldn't file it under the orientation category. The same goes with asexuality, honestly. Even though asexuality comes closer to being defined as an orientation, it still seems weird to call it one for the same reason it would seem weird to call atheism a religion.

[dooomninja]

ok let me put it like this

sexuality is a label

nothing more, nothing less

and as with any label we define it

you could define yourself as poeticasexual if you wanted

there is nothing to stop you

no one would know what it means but that doesn’t stop you

you could also say you are a asdfsexual but that doesn’t mean anything

unless you give it a meaning

demisexual is more helpful than the above example as it has already been defined

it helps people understand you a bit

and if it doesn’t fit a no one’s definition who cares

and TBH if you are getting worked up just remember

the whole human race is 7 billion monkeys on an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy

a whole 5 internet points for anyone who gets the above reference

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

what "points". stating there are some and not giving any isn't helpful...

Apoligize, I will copy and paste something from tumblr

Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to now how you are attracted to them.

If you’re gay/lesbian, you’re attracted to your own gender.

If you’re straight, you’re attracted to the opposite gender.

If you’re ace, you’re attracted to no gender.

If you’re bi, you’re attracted to both.

Saying “I’m demisexual, that means I’m only attracted once I’m in love with you” doesn’t tell WHO you’re attracted to, but only HOW you’re attracted to them.

So what if you’re gay or straight or whatever but only attracted once you know the person well?

So fucking what?

It doesn’t make you special. You don’t fucking need a special word for it.

That bit I highlighted is one of my pet peeves. Reason being, I think that it's an orientation worthy or respect, seeing as it's not a guarantee that a demisexual will be attracted to someone they love very much, nor is it "what everyone else experiences". I'm functionally asexual, and have only been attracted to one person in my life (and because I may possibly be grey-romantic too, I may not have even loved him in a romantic sense either), and I can't guarantee that it would happen again. Also, defining orientation like that is leaving out romantic orientation as well - it's saying that asexuals are attracted to no people, end of story. Demisexuals can choose to adopt that label or not - I used to be a lot more comfortable calling myself straight, before I decided to be out as demisexual and bi. That wall of text is, quite frankly, such a massive generalisation and straw argument that I can't really take it seriously. Then again, it's Tumblr.

[Vampyremage]

Does it even matter if its a 'real' orientation or not? It seems fairly obvious that its a real phenomenon and there are real people that really are demisexual. Given that and given that, for many people, having a label helps them, does it really matter if its considered a 'real orientation' or not? Personally, if that's a label someone feels comfortable assuming and they feel it fits them, its none of my business whether its real or not. Its enough that they fit what the label means, in practical terms, and desire to use that label.

[Naylien]

I guess you could say demisexual is a sub-orientation (?) but like I said in my earlier post, I wouldn't put it under asexuality because the definition of it states that you ARE sexually attracted to people, but only in certain circumstances (after a close bond.)

You could say "I'm homosexual and demisexual" or "I'm heterosexual and demisexual," etc.

[Guiggy]

what "points". stating there are some and not giving any isn't helpful...

Apoligize, I will copy and paste something from tumblr

Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to now how you are attracted to them.

If you’re gay/lesbian, you’re attracted to your own gender.

If you’re straight, you’re attracted to the opposite gender.

If you’re ace, you’re attracted to no gender.

If you’re bi, you’re attracted to both.

Saying “I’m demisexual, that means I’m only attracted once I’m in love with you” doesn’t tell WHO you’re attracted to, but only HOW you’re attracted to them.

So what if you’re gay or straight or whatever but only attracted once you know the person well?

So fucking what?

It doesn’t make you special. You don’t fucking need a special word for it.

That bit I highlighted is one of my pet peeves. Reason being, I think that it's an orientation worthy or respect, seeing as it's not a guarantee that a demisexual will be attracted to someone they love very much, nor is it "what everyone else experiences". I'm functionally asexual, and have only been attracted to one person in my life (and because I may possibly be grey-romantic too, I may not have even loved him in a romantic sense either), and I can't guarantee that it would happen again. Also, defining orientation like that is leaving out romantic orientation as well - it's saying that asexuals are attracted to no people, end of story. Demisexuals can choose to adopt that label or not - I used to be a lot more comfortable calling myself straight, before I decided to be out as demisexual and bi. That wall of text is, quite frankly, such a massive generalisation and straw argument that I can't really take it seriously. Then again, it's Tumblr.

Let's not make generalizations about the people on Tumblr here - it's a social media platform that encompasses a wide range of opinions. I have a Tumblr blog and many of the people I talk to are very open minded and accepting of all sexual orientations :) There is also an asexual community there.

I do agree that it is definitely a flawed argument. It also assumes that romantic and sexual attraction are the same thing. And I cannot STAND it when people think a person acts the way they do to be "special" or to get attention Let people do what they want to do and live their lives.

Labels may not be absolute or neccessary, but they help give people a sense of understanding. You don't have the right to decide what a person is or isn't or devalue their identity by claiming it doesn't exist. A person only has the right to label themself.

[Ithaka]

I agree that it's irritating when people treat Demisexuality as an excuse to be "special" or get attention. Demisexuality is just a label for a human condition. That's it. It's a construct for a group of similar experiences to help people make sense of what they're going through and to realize that there are others who are dealing with the same or similar thing. In that sense, it's as valid of a sexual orientation as anything else is -- it lets people know how you are sexually oriented.

That's pretty much what labels do. They help people make sense of things. They bring people together (and yes, in some cases they do bring people apart). Without labels there would be no AVEN, and everyone would be feeling super angsty and alone thinking that they are freaks of nature ... or, at least, I would be. I can't speak for others. But I personally believe it's valid. I myself may not be technically demi, I'm not certain yet -- I'm more a/gray/demi big gray area blob -- but I can vouch for the fact that when attraction is extremely particular, when it only occurs for one person, when it develops extremely slowly over time, and when looking at naked people on the internet bores you, there should be a label for that.

[test account]

ok let me put it like this

sexuality is a label

nothing more, nothing less

and as with any label we define it

you could define yourself as poeticasexual if you wanted

there is nothing to stop you

no one would know what it means but that doesn’t stop you

you could also say you are a asdfsexual but that doesn’t mean anything

unless you give it a meaning

demisexual is more helpful than the above example as it has already been defined

it helps people understand you a bit

and if it doesn’t fit a no one’s definition who cares

and TBH if you are getting worked up just remember

the whole human race is 7 billion monkeys on an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy

a whole 5 internet points for anyone who gets the above reference

Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy?

[pegasusoftraken]

I personally think it's up to individual demis to decide whether or not they call their demisexuality a sexual orientation or not.

However I think it's important to regard it as a real sexual orientation in general terms. Otherwise it is placing it on a different/lower level than the "official" sexual orientations such as (straight/gay/lesbian/bi/ace) and I'm uncomfortable with people's own labels/orientations being treated as not as real as other peoples.

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

what "points". stating there are some and not giving any isn't helpful...

Apoligize, I will copy and paste something from tumblr

Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to now how you are attracted to them.

If you’re gay/lesbian, you’re attracted to your own gender.

If you’re straight, you’re attracted to the opposite gender.

If you’re ace, you’re attracted to no gender.

If you’re bi, you’re attracted to both.

Saying “I’m demisexual, that means I’m only attracted once I’m in love with you” doesn’t tell WHO you’re attracted to, but only HOW you’re attracted to them.

So what if you’re gay or straight or whatever but only attracted once you know the person well?

So fucking what?

It doesn’t make you special. You don’t fucking need a special word for it.

That bit I highlighted is one of my pet peeves. Reason being, I think that it's an orientation worthy or respect, seeing as it's not a guarantee that a demisexual will be attracted to someone they love very much, nor is it "what everyone else experiences". I'm functionally asexual, and have only been attracted to one person in my life (and because I may possibly be grey-romantic too, I may not have even loved him in a romantic sense either), and I can't guarantee that it would happen again. Also, defining orientation like that is leaving out romantic orientation as well - it's saying that asexuals are attracted to no people, end of story. Demisexuals can choose to adopt that label or not - I used to be a lot more comfortable calling myself straight, before I decided to be out as demisexual and bi. That wall of text is, quite frankly, such a massive generalisation and straw argument that I can't really take it seriously. Then again, it's Tumblr.

Let's not make generalizations about the people on Tumblr here - it's a social media platform that encompasses a wide range of opinions. I have a Tumblr blog and many of the people I talk to are very open minded and accepting of all sexual orientations :) There is also an asexual community there.

I do agree that it is definitely a flawed argument. It also assumes that romantic and sexual attraction are the same thing. And I cannot STAND it when people think a person acts the way they do to be "special" or to get attention Let people do what they want to do and live their lives.

Labels may not be absolute or neccessary, but they help give people a sense of understanding. You don't have the right to decide what a person is or isn't or devalue their identity by claiming it doesn't exist. A person only has the right to label themself.

Oh, Tumblr can be great...but you know there's a MASSIVE problem when pretty much all the demisexual blogs I've found on tumblr keep having to warn their watchers to not look up the demisexual tab at different points because there are too many unpleasant things being said.

I keep having people assume it's a moral choice (when really, morally, if I were attracted to a person, I'd shag them, whether we were together or not), and that I'm somehow pure and innocent and noble. Or that I'm just using a fancy name to describe having a low sex drive. Or that it's caused by my Aspergers.

I know the healing power of labels. I totally don't mind when people don't use labels, because people usually have their reasons for that...just that people should never be condemned when they DO pick up a label.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I keep having people assume it's a moral choice (when really, morally, if I were attracted to a person, I'd shag them, whether we were together or not), and that I'm somehow pure and innocent and noble.

Yep. This is my pet peeve about demisexuality too.

I'm about as far as you can get from traditional sexual conservatives, in terms of actual set beliefs about sexual morality that I believe everyone should follow. But my personal inclinations are completely separate to that.

[nestbubble]

...from what I've been reading and all, from what I've been experiencing, I'm an "asexual demisexual". How can I explain this..I wrote "My story" about me and my boyfriend in this forum some days ago, and basically I think we can consider ourselves demisexuals, but we're still pretty much asexuals, and even with each other. We will try to have sex one day, in a spiritual kind of way.

Our love and spiritual connection is really strong, and even if we don't feel sexual attracted to anyone else, we have a "bit of it" for each other (it's more spiritual than sexual ahahah), but we never had sex. We have been together for two and a half years now and we never felt the need for it. (we do engage in sexual activities from time to time, because in a way, the body needs it, more for him, because he doesn't like to masturbate, nor even I. We get the point of it, in healthy terms, but we don't feel the need for it, and we find it boring.)

So in a way, we are exclusively demisexual for each other, but pretty much asexual for anyone else (and even each other too). I guess our case is not the "normal case scenario" for demisexuals, but I guess we're pretty much in both groups, more in the asexual group instead of the "ah demisexuals are more in the sexual group". For us that is not the case, ever!

[Taurean64]

IThere are two forces at play here. It seems to me that sexual orientation (LBGT etc) is a qualitative matter, describing whom someone is attracted to.

Whereas asexuality, demi-sexuality, moderate and strong sexuality relates to the quantitative aspect of sexual desire, that is, the intensity of a person's sexual drive.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Really, I couldn't care less how people want to think of it, as long as they understand that it's a "thing".

Unique "orientation" or just a particular "pattern of attraction" or something? Meh.

For me personally, I'm mostly just sick of 1) being misunderstood and 2) being lumped in with inapplicable heterosexual male stereotypes.

[Taurean64]

My apologies for being somewhat sloppy in my earlier post and for not making the vital distinction between sexual and romanic drives that asexual people experience. Am not entirely happy with my qualitative/quantitative analogy either; can't quite pinpoint why.

[Siggy]

My immediate reaction was "Of course it is, why are we talking about this?"

However, if the objection is that a "real sexual orientation" is only about who you are attracted to, rather than how, then that's something else.

Consider these other words:

Romantic/aromantic says something about how you are attracted to people.

Polyamory/monoamory says something about how you form, or wish to form relationships.

Kink/vanilla says something about what kind of sex you like.

Slang terms like "rice queen" (derogatory) say something about who you're attracted to, but not how.

We don't really consider romantic orientation to be sexual orientation, because there's no sex in it necessarily. I think people disagree on whether kink and poly are orientations, and I won't weigh on that matter. No one considers rice queen to be an orientation, even though it tells you who, not how.

So the question is, does the criterion "who, not how" make sense? Is that how we use "sexual orientation" in other contexts? What are the costs and benefits of broadening or narrowing the definition of sexual orientation?

I hardly see any costs or benefits at all. So my answer is I honestly don't care whether it is a sexual orientation or not.

[I am a rock]

I think we're all just trying to figure ourselves out. If I identify as demisexual, it's not an effort to feel special, it's to try to pin down exactly how I deviate from the norm, to give myself some peace of mind.

And what's wrong with feeling special anyway? If someone has a reason to feel special why would anyone need to take it away from them?

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

Also, can I point something out? I always think of this comic whenever someone says "X orientation doesn't exist": http://kateordiecomi...chive/biphobia/

TACOS ARE IMAGINARY!!!

[RaisingCain]

Yes, being homosexual does make you attracted to the same gender. Being heterosexual does make you attracted to the opposite gender. And being bisexual does mean you can be attracted to both genders. But I think that's were the statement starts going from fact to generalization. Some Asexuals are capable of attraction, it's just limited. As a Demisexual, I'm limited to attraction to those I'm emotionally bonded with.

To those who say Demisexuality is 'imaginary', I ask them to talk to any one of us. I myself have spent many years confused because I'd rather have cuddles and sushi then sex or making out. I copped the 'gay' rumors at school becuase I wasn't interested in boys. And while this didn't really bother me, it made my female friends uncomfortable around me. I never really had much of a mum or dad to talk to about this, so I just accepted me as me. I know there are some heart breaking stories out there in our community.

But!​ Despite all this, I know I'm nothing special. I'm me, and that's all I care about.

Gay: Likes same gender.

Straight: Opposite gender.

Bi: Either gender.

Ace: No gender (or limited)

And Demi?

Well we look at the heart, and then make our decisions based on that :)

[Touchofinsight]

Demisexuality is just a label for a human condition. That's it. It's a construct for a group of similar experiences to help people make sense of what they're going through and to realize that there are others who are dealing with the same or similar thing. In that sense, it's as valid of a sexual orientation as anything else is -- it lets people know how you are sexually oriented.

That's pretty much what labels do. They help people make sense of things. They bring people together (and yes, in some cases they do bring people apart). Without labels there would be no AVEN, and everyone would be feeling super angsty and alone thinking that they are freaks of nature ... or, at least, I would be. I can't speak for others. But I personally believe it's valid.

I agree, and I also agree with Sweet golden executioner. If people wish to identify the label as an orientation, that is fine you don't have to agree with it but to not acknowledge the idea's existence is just another form of narrow minded traditionalism. I think many here may disagree where to categorize this particular label but most I think would say it exists.