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long term lesbian relationship - no sex :-(


hayley24

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Hi everyone,

Im new on here and would be grateful for any advice, so heres my story...

Been with my gf almost 9 years, living together for 6. When we first met we only saw each other once a month because we lived so far apart so obviously when we got together we only had one thing on our minds and spent all of our time in a hotel room. We moved in together 3 years later at which time the sexual part of our relationship was very active, i noticed the next year it became less and less and now its maybe once a year, i have spoke to her about it and she just says shes not interested in sex and doesnt even think about it anymore which makes me think she isnt attracted to me, i only have to look at her and im turned on.

The last time we had sex was roughly 6 months ago and only because i suggested buying myself something from ann summers as i become so frustrated, she took the hint but i feel it was out of pity not because she wanted to and i didnt feel satisfied after, when i tried to return the favour she said she was tired and that was the end of that.

I am still very much in love with her but i feel like we have become best friends.

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Touchofinsight

Sometimes the sex can die out in a relationship, you do it enough it gets old. It can be just that, they are tired of having sex in the same ways or even more bluntly with the same person. The original excitement of doing something new is gone. In any event you should talk to her about it, ask her, why do you not want sex anymore? Ask her to please be bluntly honest and detailed.

But be prepared for the answers, it may be something you may not like.

In any case pose the question to your self:

Can I continue on in a sexless relationship, or one with very lackluster obligation sex?

If no, break up with her, be friends and pursue other women romantically and sexually.

If yes, well then you have a lot of communicating to do and a sacrifice to make.

In this case your prioritizing, is giving up good sex worth continuing the relationship.

However I strongly advise you to talk to her about it in detail before you make any decisions about the relationship, there may underlying issues that are causing the current sex issues within your relationship.

In any case

Best of luck

touch!

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Hey touch thanks for your reply,

In the start we tried different things to spice it up so to speak, mainly because it was my first relationship with a woman and was scared about progressing to the sexual side of things, i had little experience only having kissed and having a drunken fumble with girls but i knew as soon as met her this would be on a different level.

She had one previous serious partner before me and i know it ended badly, her gf cheated on her and it makes me wonder if it was lack of sex, i no sex isnt eveything but for me it plays a big part.

Thank you for your advise its helped more than you know :-)

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Hey Hayley24. I agree with you... Sex can be a great, strong foundation for a long term relationship. Hope my questions aren't too TMI.

The last time we had sex was roughly 6 months ago and only because i suggested buying myself something from ann summers as i become so frustrated, she took the hint but i feel it was out of pity not because she wanted to and i didnt feel satisfied after, when i tried to return the favour she said she was tired and that was the end of that.

Do you have any toys/vibrators? Obviously sex with a partner is great, but does sex have to be on the table all the time? Can your girlfriend participate with you in other sexual situations? Can she participate in mutual masturbation, or can she assist you in your masturbation? Is she willing to apply herself to participate in your sex life? Are you willing to settle for less sex than you would like? I am an asexual in a relationship with a sexual person, so mutual masturbation is a handy compromise my partner and I do when I'm not up for the kind of sex she would prefer.

I recommend showing your girlfriend AVEN. Perhaps she is asexual, perhaps she has lost her libido, perhaps she's not attracted to you. It's important to get to the bottom of the issue, but the only person who knows is her... so provide her resources of information :)

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hi salogma,

we do have toys etc but they were bought while our sex life was very much active and we just wanted to try new things, these were suggested by my gf and we both used and enjoyed it at the time. And mutual materbating was something we both did and got turned on by again during the active time.

Its not always about sex and i dont push for it, but its got to the point now where i am embarrassed to even try having being knocked back so many times, i could stand beside her naked and get no reaction so perhaps like you say she is not attracted to me any more.

I find it very difficult to discuss my feelings with her, i bottle them up and then all of a sudden they come to the surface, i know this is my own problem and i do try to start the conversation about it but im not very good picking the right words to go along with my emotions if that makes any sense.

Im gonna have to bite the bullet and just talk to her about it as we will end up going round in circles, and leaving her is not an option for me i love her way too much,

Thank you for your comments :-)

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I was more active about my sex life with my partner when we first got together. I didn't really enjoy the _physical_ side of sex, but I loved the closeness of it and how much fun HE had from it. Simply touching him in any form (holding hands, cuddling, etc) were all equally fun during the crush stage, so since sex included holding and kissing, I was all for it for that. And it made him much happier, more willing to open up with me, etc. So I didn't find it boring, or unejoyable, even though I have never orgasmed I don't think.. (I don't get what that even is) and dislike sex in itself. The emotional aspect was enough to keep me interested enough to keep him happy with it, at the start. But, as a relationship progresses for me, my ability to keep with sex dies down. As I truly fall in love with someone, sex becomes boring. I find things without sex much better bonding, much more affectionate and much more meaningful. The more I care for someone, the less interested I am in having sex with them (which, is already pretty low to begin with, if I dated a fellow ace I would not want sex _at all_).

Perhaps your girlfriend feels something similar? Only she can tell you though, have a nice long chat about it and ask for details. Try not to get upset by her answers. :

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Hi Hayley,

I find it very difficult to discuss my feelings with her, i bottle them up and then all of a sudden they come to the surface, i know this is my own problem and i do try to start the conversation about it but im not very good picking the right words to go along with my emotions if that makes any sense.

Im gonna have to bite the bullet and just talk to her about it as we will end up going round in circles, and leaving her is not an option for me i love her way too much.

It's not entirely your own problem, if you're unhappy about the relationship, you have to see together if you can change it into something in which you are both happy. Biting the bullet will be uneasy, but very necessary. You can't just accept it and stay unhappy, you both need to explain how you feel, and then see what you can do to make the best of things, I guess? :)

best of luck!

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This is just a repeat suggestion, but showing your girlfriend AVEN might give you a way to open up the conversation. It does sound like talking about it is the next step and a difficult one at that. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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hi everyone,

well i did it,and its the hardest thing ive done and had to listen to in my life,as it turns out her feelings towards me have changed,she is no longer in love with me but loves me as a friend,i dont know if she thought that would make me feel better because it really doesnt.

im not sure exactly what is happening because we havent split up and she doesnt want me to leave, she says she needs to think it over but that she'll never have the feelings she once had for me.

i feel like a fool for not realising earlier this is how she felt instead of thinking it was a sex thing.

Today will be spent arguing with a store clerk trying to get back the down payment for the engagement ring i was going to surprise her with a christmas.

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I'm really sorry. That is sad about the ring, hopefully you will be able to get a refund. I'm very sad that you are probably feeling really bad about the relationship right now.

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Hey everyone,

Thanks for your kind words,

I am totally heartbroken at the moment, she wont let me try fix this, unlike her i think 9 years is too long to just throw away. I just wish she give me a chance to make her fall in love with me again :-(

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Touchofinsight

Hey everyone,

Thanks for your kind words,

I am totally heartbroken at the moment, she wont let me try fix this, unlike her i think 9 years is too long to just throw away. I just wish she give me a chance to make her fall in love with me again :-(

I understand how you feel, I invested quite a bit of time in some relationships as well but there isn't anything you can do to "make her fall in love with you again" these type of feelings are dynamic and often times as you see here have a lifespan that can vary. The relationship has run its course and you have made some mistakes and some good choices over the time, reflect on them, grow from them, learn from them. Apply this knowledge when, if ever, your ready to move on to a new relationship. Take a realistic "stock check" of what is truly important to you and what you need for your self from the people you let into your life, so that you aren't just settling for what you can get in the future.

Best of luck

touch!

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Ahw, sorry about that. I agree, sometimes it's apparently not anyone's fault, and it just happens. Too bad though.

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