Quick Question for Aromantics

[Smugleaf]

Hi all :)

So, I've been pondering my romantic orientation a bit, and the conclusion I've come to is that I am aromantic, though I find enjoyment from reading about heteromantic relationships (in books, etc.). Is this the case for anyone else? Based on the aromantic definitions I've found the orientation refers to what you prefer for yourself, so basically I'm wondering if what you enjoy reading/otherwise consuming on a passive level has any bearing on it.

[Guest member25959]

I dunno, I've always found that my interests are still nonexistant, or swinging between both (bi) when it is existant. I don't enjoy reading so much, but some art I do.

[Lady Loki]

I've recently been pondering my romantic orientation too. Before I joined AVEN I considered myself a panromantic, because, like you, I enjoy reading about romantic relationships (however it doesn't matter to me what gender both are). I have sometimes felt strong connections to people of various gender identities and I always thought of them as romantic feelings, however I read up on some stuff here about squishes and how aromantic people feel and I feel like I identify with these descriptions much more. I am quiet confused now to be quiet honest.

[Grace Barton]

Hmm, a difficult one, that. I, for one, don't enjoy reading heteroromantic relationships. I find myself getting angered more than anything. There have been several occasions where I have wanted to throw down books in disgust when the female leads fall in love and loses everything that made them strong as a character, because they're now blinded by this ideal of 'romance/sexual attraction'. There was one story I was reading where the female lead was meant to be assisting in leading an army into war (a fantasy novel) but because one of her colleagues forbade her from seeing this particular guy she went off in a big huff and basically abandoned them for about three days, and all I could think of was 'well, YOU have your priorities straight. Your friends and people are about to enter battle and you're sulking because you were told you can't see him anymore?' -_- I assume this reflects on my aromantic identity because I don't have romantic attraction and therefore don't understand how people could set aside things for 'love'. If I was in that situation it would be very simple: 'Right, so I can't see him. I am not happy, but I will deal with this AFTER we have won this fight. Until then, it's out of my head'.

That being said, I did find a story with homoromantic undertones that I quite enjoyed. I think this was because the writer did not make the guys lose all commonsense after falling in love--they carried on as normal but still obviously cared for one another. Again I think this reflect on my own aromantic identity because I don't lose myself in those feelings and simply carry on as I always have done.

I think perhaps what we read/watch is a reflection of what we want for ourselves. My evidence above shows I prefer stories where romance may be present but is not an overriding, all-powerful, soul-consuming thing that makes us lose all senses.

[GirlDreamer]

I think that what we like to read/watch on tv etc and what we want for us selves isn't always the same. I've always been interested in reading romantic and sometimes even erotic stories, even though I identify as asexual. It has nothing to do about what I secretly want, it's more about reading a good story. That is as long as the romantic/erotic parts has a meaning in the plot and isn't just something that has been thrown in just for the fun of it that is.

[Melorian]

I consider myself aromantic, and I am always very scathing of romantic relationships. I'll tolerate them in books and films and things because, let's face it, romance is a big part of most people's lives, but when it comes to real life, I have no patience for it. Especially when my best friend keeps asking me for love advice - and she knows I'm asexual!

[byanyotherusername]

I'm aromantic, and I like to read good romance in the context of a well developed story line with a wide range of lovable characters, a.k.a stories that aren't all about the couple--and the romance can't be too clingy or co-dependent, I HATE that. I'm a sucker for the Ron and Hermione/Castle and Beckett-type romances, with a ton of build up full of tension and witty banter between strong, independent and substantive characters. My interests are not confined to hetero-romance by a long shot, and am often teased by friends for the amount of "gay books" I read (I just finished "the Miseducation of Cameron Post" and loved it). It's not that I prefer it over straight romance. I just like a good story and find that gay romances have more depth on average, as characters struggle with self-discovery and their identity, facing adversity, navigating complex family dynamics, etc.

[Smugleaf]

I've recently been pondering my romantic orientation too. Before I joined AVEN I considered myself a panromantic, because, like you, I enjoy reading about romantic relationships (however it doesn't matter to me what gender both are). I have sometimes felt strong connections to people of various gender identities and I always thought of them as romantic feelings, however I read up on some stuff here about squishes and how aromantic people feel and I feel like I identify with these descriptions much more. I am quiet confused now to be quiet honest.

I looked up squishes just now - I had seen the term but didn't know what it meant - and it applies to one (of one) situation that I experienced. I'm pretty sure that my preference for heterosexual anything is because I didn't know that homosexuality existed until I started high school, so it was never part of my thoughts or anything that I explored when I was younger - I only started to explore homo- stories recently. I've found a couple of homo- stories where the characters only get as far as kissing and I enjoyed those, but anything past that makes me uncomfortable.

Hmm, a difficult one, that. I, for one, don't enjoy reading heteroromantic relationships. I find myself getting angered more than anything. There have been several occasions where I have wanted to throw down books in disgust when the female leads fall in love and loses everything that made them strong as a character, because they're now blinded by this ideal of 'romance/sexual attraction'.

...

I think perhaps what we read/watch is a reflection of what we want for ourselves. My evidence above shows I prefer stories where romance may be present but is not an overriding, all-powerful, soul-consuming thing that makes us lose all senses.

I've noticed that since identifying as asexual, I've been more picky about the stories I read - that is, if I get partway through something and the main romantic relationship is being badly written as you describe, I will often stop reading (probably out of slight frustration as you described) and move on to something else where the characters are better portrayed, where before I would "tough it out" so to speak.

I agree with the reflection of what we want for ourselves bit, to a degree. I know that I always desired a relationship to a small degree when I was little (because it was expected of me and I didn't know that it was possible not to) so I would read about it. Now that I've realized that it's not a requirement, I can feel myself losing interest a bit.

[Janus the Fox]

Im Aromantic, but also don't consume romantic literature. I very seldom do read any fiction as I do find it impossible to follow and prefer non-fiction and fact based literature.

[Guest]

Most often, they ruin perfectly good media. I can only stand when they're the sole focus and purpose of the story. I watched The Deep Blue Sea a while ago and really enjoyed it, which surprised me.

[Hexagon]

Too much romance in books puts me off. But some is alright, and I usually prefer it of the non-heteronormative variety.

[Jukgesseo]

I've never had issues with romantic relationships, as long as they were good, healthy, etc. I enjoy reading about them. Especially in regards to the non-heteronormative side of things. I am romance-repulsed, but only in regards to people wanting a romantic relationship with me, if that makes sense. As long as I am not involved, I am perfectly fine with seeing/reading/what-have-you with romantic relationships.

[Demishan]

Ohh, I'm a bit weird. I'm all for the male homoromantic (is that word I don't even know) relationships, mainly because it's really hot but also because I really really can't empathise with the characters at all being a girl. So I don't put myself in the situation, but I like hearing about it. I can deal with heteromantic relationships, but not preferable.

[Insouciance]

Ohh, I'm a bit weird. I'm all for the male homoromantic (is that word I don't even know) relationships, mainly because it's really hot but also because I really really can't empathise with the characters at all being a girl. So I don't put myself in the situation, but I like hearing about it. I can deal with heteromantic relationships, but not preferable.

Haha, I was about to post the exact same thing. I'm aromantic and I generally avoid consuming media with heavy amounts of heteroromantic and/or female homoromantic relationships, though any homoromantic is preferable to heteroromantic for me. I like male homoromantic stuff, as long as its not too angsty/bogged down in relationship drama.

[Random Happenstance]

I find that I don't particularly mind relationships in films/books per se, provided they don't lead to characters changing their personality/weakly written characters being shoved in for the sake of the romance. Mainly I'm disappointed by the lack of stories in whatever format without romantic/sexual relationships, they're few and far between. I'm pretty good at not paying much notice though when I want to, I mean, I read the twilight books (this was a while ago), but I read it without thinking much on the romance really. I just really loved the idea of vampires at the time (at a time when I was diagnosed with a disability that meant I could do so much less than a normal person, the concept of becoming a creature with supernatural abilities appealed, and still does though I do require books of higher quality).

[Mephi's Q]

I think of myself as aromantic, but i also like reading romantic stories and like examples of romance between couples. However, i dont like any romantic actions towards myself. But then everyone is unique.

[Kathlyn]

I mainly read romance stories. But I think my attraction to them is because I started reading them young, and because I was starved for positive affection from family. I absorb the happiness that is written between the couples. And I'm really good at skipping anything I don't feel like reading that day (I also frequently read the paragraph/sentence rather then word by word). I do yell at the characters when they are being stupid though. frequently which has made one or more people tell me to stop getting so worked up over a book (I read a lot, and yeah I get absorbed in them).

[UraNepu]

I enjoy girl on girl romances (and even sexual stuff as long as they are up to my standards of beauty)

I never in my life seeked romance for my self with neither males nor females, and heteroromamce is just too common for me to enjoy in media so only under certain circomstances (like my fav female theatre stages "heteroromance" stories but in general media is just sooo I dont know how to call it maybe toooo much with no alternative? (I don't make sense sorry)

but yeah I enjoy romance in books,media,theatre etc but I do not seek it for myself

[BKAce]

Ohh, I'm a bit weird. I'm all for the male homoromantic (is that word I don't even know) relationships, mainly because it's really hot but also because I really really can't empathise with the characters at all being a girl. So I don't put myself in the situation, but I like hearing about it. I can deal with heteromantic relationships, but not preferable.

Haha, I was about to post the exact same thing. I'm aromantic and I generally avoid consuming media with heavy amounts of heteroromantic and/or female homoromantic relationships, though any homoromantic is preferable to heteroromantic for me. I like male homoromantic stuff, as long as its not too angsty/bogged down in relationship drama.

I'm still a bit confused about the reasons why but I tend to tolerate gay relationships in books/in the media much more than heterosexual/heteroromantic ones. I did put it down to the fact that being a female, I was able to enjoy the guys together without being "involved." But then I noticed that homoromantic/homosexual relationships between girls (or agendered, other genders, any other possible mix, even boy/girl...) might also spike my interest when it's not heteronormative. On the other hand, I'd be totally uninterested in a homoromantic/homosexual relationship when it's heteronormative.

Regarding the OP, I'm aromantic and tend to avoid romantic novels/movies but only because I feel I'm surrounded by the topic in my daily life to the extent of becoming intolerant about it (I feel I'm pounded by it in the media, ads, society, friends... as an essential part of life which makes me become very defensive about my aromanticism and almost romantically repulsed). I try to fight it off though, but it doesn't always work.

[CrazyBlues]

I'm actually not 100% sure about my romantic orientation, so I'm not even sure if I'm qualified to post here. (My main issue with myself is that I'm not sure if the attraction I feel toward people is romantic or not.)

Now that that's out of the way, I don't tend to read or watch romance-oriented things so much, as I prefer action or horror. I do, however, enjoy certain pairings with regard to fandom nonsense. I also find romance interesting, from an objective standpoint, as I've always been interested in psychology.

[KeepsakeKey]

I'm gray-asexual gray-aromantic, but I do read homoerotic and homoromantic books/fanfiction, etc. I'm really not big on heteroromantic movies and such. They make me feel uncomfortable, pressured, and it's always so horribly stereotyped.

[black_star_seas]

I'm not fond of romance novels themselves at all, and I'm quite picky about both romance and sex in any novels because a) it's usually an irrelevant part of the story that the author put in because they failed to make a well-rounded character and b) it's used as a shock value because the author failed to add anything interesting to the story. However, if the story is well written, and the characters are realistic, then I'm totally okay with romance. Since I pretty much only read older novels (budgeting issues and personal taste), I unfortunately can not find much romance with anything other than a heterosexual romance. :(

[wordforger]

I'm pretty much the same way. I am aromantic, but a romantic in the sense that I like the idea of romance and find various romantic relationships to be interesting. I want no such relationship for myself, but that doesn't mean it's bad for other people to be romantic. Of course, in fiction, I don't like romantic relationships that shouldn't be there (I'm looking at you, Prince Caspian the movie) or stories that are pure romance with little else interesting to offer. For example, I got dragged to the first Twilight movie and kept waiting for the plot to show up for most of it.

[CrazyCatLover]

*Raises hand* I do enjoy reading about romantic relationships (not limited to hetero though) in fiction. I also like hearing stories about how my friends met, fell in love, etc. I even enjoy daydreaming about being in a romantic relationship myself on occasion. But when it comes down to it, I really don't experience that type of attraction and I wouldn't even like being a long-term, co-habituating relationship. It took me a long time to realize this though (possibly because of my fascination with the whole idea of relationships).

Edit: I want to qualify that I greatly dislike stories with a token romance that seems forced or out of place.

[Vyanni Krace]

I guess I kinda like reading romance but its mostly because I've had to get used to putting up with it. If there is tension of the romantic sort between two characters though half of me just wants them to get it over with, the other half doesnt want either character to give in to their emotions.

I personally find it really frustrating when a girl in a book (or a boy) declares that they will not give in or that they hate someone and then the next minute they're melting the instant that person kisses them. I mean WHAT THE HELL!

If I say Im not going to give in, regardless of whatever 'growing feelings' I develop for that person I stick with my vow not to give in. Mainly because I have far too much pride but also because Im insanely stubborn. (And Demi-romantic/Aromantic.)

Its annoying because it makes that character lose all of those amazing qualities in their character as they fall in love.

In the movie Anna Karenina, Anna said she wasnt going to fall for this other man and then suddenly, after a little bit of stalking from the man, its like a flip switched and in seconds she was 'in love' and having an affair with this man behind her husbands back! I love the movie Anna Karenina for many reasons. The plot isnt one of them.

In Maximum Ride it was all fine an brilliant until Max got really tangled up in love and then all the characters really seemed to lose all of their strength. (And the plot became severely unrealistic. I mean Robots/cyborgs? Seriously? The 'Erasers' were believable enough but the robot-dudes just ruined it for me.)

Which is one of the reasons as to why I prefer to read gay fanfiction between two male characters who are considered 'strong characters'. Somehow the fans portray it exactly right when its male/male. They love each other but more often than not dont lose themselves in love and sometimes even become stronger as partners as a result, sometimes they dont even lose the close friendship they origionally had either. Overall its far more satisfying to read but sometimes I really just want to read something with a good plot and strong friendships-when the romance is inserted sometimes it just ruins it a little. I hate how it seems that romance is a 'must have' in books.

[scottimus prime]

I've only recently become familiar with my own asexuality and I haven't yet figured out what my romantic orientation is. I might be romantic but I think it's going to take a little bit of time for me to really determine this. Having said that, I can sometimes get suckered into a good, well-written romantic relationship in television and film. The emotion. The sexual tension. The flirting. The "will they / won't they" element, so long as it isn't drawn out for so long to be absurd. I often find myself rooting for those good relationships, especially when they're rooted in love and emotions instead of just sex or attraction. Mulder/Scully in "The X-Files." Jack/Kate in "Lost." Starbuck/Apollo in "Battlestar Galactica." I feel drawn to these tense, emotional roller coasters. I find them fascinating, even if I can't relate to them at all. I'd love to know what it's like to have those kind of intense feelings towards another person. I'm not one to open my heart to anyone but I think that deep down I wish I could, and hope that one day I will.