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Apparently asexual heteroromantic and biromantic women don't want me.


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Great Thief Yatagarasu

Lastly, because gender and gender expression affect the way that one experiences the world, I wouldn't discount the possibility that these "pretty boys" who have a more feminine gender expression may actually tend to have a different personality than you.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "gender expression". I was mostly just talking about their facial features. Some of the guys these girls dated did have a somewhat feminine personality as well , but most just had "typical guy" personalities, not feminine, but not over the top macho. The only consistent variable is the fact that they had feminine and attractive faces.

"Gender expression"... like, an example of a stereotypically "butch" gender expression (regardless of their gender), would be someone who likes to wear button-down flannel shirts, cargo pants, a crew cut, and so on. Maybe "macho" is a word you'd hear more often? Someone who's got a "femme" gender expression might like to wear tight-fitting clothes, style their hair, and maybe even wear makeup. Or, again, a more commonly used word is "girly".

Since you had said "pretty boy" and "boy band" I had thought this meant personal grooming and appearance, not just their facial features, although grooming (hairstyle in particular) can definitely create an illusion of one's facial features appearing softer or sharper.

Wait, that's your definition of Pretty Boy? So, you mean "pretty boy" as in Tom Hiddleston? I thought you meant Pretty Boy as in Andrej Prejic.

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No one is in the wrong for pursuing what they want.

No one is obligated to give anyone a chance if they don't feel like.

That's just how it is.

That's just fate.

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OP (if you're still here), are you certain those girls/women are asexual? Did they say they were? Or were you assuming they were?

As far as the androgenous factor, I'm a lifelong asexual woman and I've never been aesthetically/personality-wise attracted to androgenous men. My longtime partner, to whom I was madly aesthetically attracted, was an Italian with a very husky muscle-y build and long curly black hair and a beard. He was about as masculine-looking as you could imagine. Until such time as there are many, many more asexuals known than there are now, I don't think we can make any rational claims about who they like. You certainly can't make claims about who heterosexual/homosexual men or women like; they like whoever they're attracted to. Probably asexuals are the same; why would our orientation be any different?

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An analogy that comes to mind:

Sometimes people have only two gay friends, and they think, "Well, he's gay and single... and he's gay and single. OMG, they would make a perfect couple!" But isn't that just awkward to assume that just because people's orientations are compatible they would go well together?

Now imagine that you have five gay friends. Is there really much reason to think any of them are good matches for each other?

And if you have five romantic asexuals... it simply isn't surprising if none of them are good matches for each other. There's no need to resort to your looks as an explanation.

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I am ace and female. And yes I tend to go for the "pretty boy" types more often, but it IS based on personality, not looks, as I feel no aesthetic attraction. But, I prefer non-macho guys, who are not that into sports, preference for watching musicals with me is good and playing video games is a MUST, reading a lot is a bonus. That personality type tends to be the prettier boys, or the total geeks. Now, just because I usually end up with that type, doesn't mean always. I am atm dating a bald, 40 year old, stocky build guy that looks more like if he were to muscle up he should play a bouncer in a movie. But, we also have some issues with his macho qualities that are a bit too masculine for my tastes, but I deal with it, he's also hypersexual which I have to deal with (of course in return he has to deal with me being ace and occasionally getting girly and making him watch a movie like Ever After :P).

I am betting a lot of ace guys I wouldn't get along with romantically, just like a lot of sexual guys I don't get along with romantically. There are certain factors that make someone a good friend to me, but count them out permanently as a romanctic interest. And they are common ones, so I am quite picky. ha

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98slbrookes98

OP - First may I say that you are incredibly lucky to have known asexual people in real life. I would give anything to have that opportunity myself.

Yes being rejected in love is difficult to deal with - I myself have been rejected both in real life and in Second Life. For many years I was in love with a straight best friend who couldn't reciprocate. Luckily for me I am a strong believer in the motto that true love puts the needs of the person you love before your own needs. I did not ask her to love me in return but for many years I was content loving her. I did finally get over her. In Second Life under my male avatar I fell in love with a best friend again who in many ways (looks and personality) resembled my first love (which incidentally shows I do have a type). She thought I was a lovely person but could not reciprocae my romantic feelings. I accepted this and we stayed friends - still hanging out etc.

When she got a boyfriend I dealt with it by saying that I would always be her best friend and that this guy was the luckiest guy in the world - I said this whenever I felt a rush of emotion towards her though as another friend said - actually I loved her. Finally three years ater I got over it and the girl I am currently dating on SL in personality reminds me of my SL best friend whom I was once in love with. Outside of SL I have internet dated a few girls who made the first move and either I broke up with them or they with me because of the lack of romantic attraction. I have never been bitter about people not loving me back - mainly becuse i am naturally generous but I also agree with the other posters that we have no right to be as it is not their fault. Yes like you I have been frustrated that every time I love someone either they can't reciprocate (or in the case of my dad and stepfamily I can't be with them for a myriad of reasons from their society being homophobic to them not being able to acomodate me for more than a few weeks).

I am also occasionally even jealous of my dad. Why? Because Dad has things I would kill to have myself - hetro privilege, a family I love just as much as dad does whom dad can be with all the time when I can't, obvious male advantages etc. I understand why you feel the way you do but I also know that it is no use. Sooner or later we must accept. We must accept rejectionin love etc. We cannpot blame others for things however frustrated we are.

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Kitty Spoon Train

An analogy that comes to mind:

Sometimes people have only two gay friends, and they think, "Well, he's gay and single... and he's gay and single. OMG, they would make a perfect couple!" But isn't that just awkward to assume that just because people's orientations are compatible they would go well together?

Now imagine that you have five gay friends. Is there really much reason to think any of them are good matches for each other?

And if you have five romantic asexuals... it simply isn't surprising if none of them are good matches for each other. There's no need to resort to your looks as an explanation.

This reminds me of people who think that a girl is automatically "my type" just because she's from the same ethnic background as me. Few things annoy me more in the "dating" context.

But yeah, it's absolutely true, a/sexuality is hardly a "given" point of compatibility - that will trump everything else and make two people compatible.

Being heteroromantic, I find it annoying enough that people assume I'm automatically "into" a particular woman just because they find her attractive. And this is so common that it might as well be whitenoise in the culture - so of course it's extra annoying when people focus on something more specific than just gender + generic good looks, which again is hardly going to make compatibility a given.

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Calligraphette_Coe

My only comment about this thread is how sad I find it that whenever a guy lays his feelings out there and that the biggest part of those feelings is frustration, right away he's convicted of being Angry and Bitter and sentenced to the Leper Colony.

Maybe some really good-natured introverted guys get frustrated when they get rejected by women who are really obnoxious about rejection and treat him like he just came out from under a bridge with NO regard for his feelings? And then people 'pile on' (because it's sooo easy to blame the victim) to the point where he _does_ get angry, and then that self-fullfilling prophecy becomes "Ha! I told you so! I'm RIGHT!".

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IDK though, it went from "I was rejected in a really terrible way" which is a statement we can all get behind and offer sympathy and back pats regardless of gender, to "I was rejected so I'm going to make overarching assumptions and claims about a particular demographic."

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Maybe some really good-natured introverted guys get frustrated when they get rejected by women who are really obnoxious about rejection and treat him like he just came out from under a bridge with NO regard for his feelings? And then people 'pile on' (because it's sooo easy to blame the victim) to the point where he _does_ get angry, and then that self-fullfilling prophecy becomes "Ha! I told you so! I'm RIGHT!".

The OP said nothing being rejected in an obnoxious way, and we did not blame the victim. We simply explained that no one likes to be generalized into a group (asexual women like feminine men).

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IDK though, it went from "I was rejected in a really terrible way" which is a statement we can all get behind and offer sympathy and back pats regardless of gender, to "I was rejected so I'm going to make overarching assumptions and claims about a particular demographic."

I'm not angry at the women at all, I'm angry about the situation. It just hurts that asexual women (two of whom I had a lot in common with) didn't want me.

As for not all asexual women having this preference, I never said that all of them did, but this does seem to be a pattern. I talk to two other asexual girls online (they both live in other countries and I never met them so I didn't count them in my original post) both are hetero-romantic. I asked both of them to show me pics of guys they are attracted to, and both of them showed me nothing but feminine, cutsy, metrosexual pretty boys. So thats 5 out of 5 asexual hetro/bi romantic women that I know (online and offline) who prefer pretty boys, exclusively. Pretty boys are also a minority, so this is too much to be all a coincidence. Am I saying that 100 percent of all asexual women who are bi or hetero-romantic only want pretty boys? No. Sorry if it sounded that way. But what I am saying is that they are more likely to prefer pretty boys. Maybe I should have worded things better.

Yeah, I know I seem bitter, but I'm just really frustrated. I'm not a pretty boy. I don't look like a boy band member, korean pop singer, rpg character, or teen heartthrob. Instead, I'm masculine and balding. I did not choose this, but this fact prevented me of getting with the girl of my dreams. Worst of all, nothing I can do will make me resemble anything close to that. If there was something that could, I would do it, no matter how hard it was, but if I tried to dress and act the role it would only look ridiculous.

And like you said, its hard to meet aseuxal people. So hopefully you can understand my frustration.

(Bolding is mine.)

It seems to me that the OP is sharing an his interpretation of his observations as a possible trend, one which others here have also observed. Sorry, RageofAnath, I'm not seeing overarching assumptions here.

I'm also getting more than a little annoyed that folk have deciding that the OP is behaving in an 'entitled' fashion for expressing frustration at not being able to fit the mold of what he believes his peer group finds attractive. To me, that's like getting upset at overweight people for expressing that they want to be thin so they would be more appealing to others.

The OP said nothing being rejected in an obnoxious way, and we did not blame the victim. We simply explained that no one likes to be generalized into a group (asexual women like feminine men).

A number of people accused the OP of behaving in an entitled fashion; this, to me, would be blaming the OP for his frustration.

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Calligraphette_Coe

Maybe some really good-natured introverted guys get frustrated when they get rejected by women who are really obnoxious about rejection and treat him like he just came out from under a bridge with NO regard for his feelings? And then people 'pile on' (because it's sooo easy to blame the victim) to the point where he _does_ get angry, and then that self-fullfilling prophecy becomes "Ha! I told you so! I'm RIGHT!".

The OP said nothing being rejected in an obnoxious way, and we did not blame the victim. We simply explained that no one likes to be generalized into a group (asexual women like feminine men).

And exactly how was that helpful and why was that supposed to make the poster feel better or ease his frustration?

Someone did the exact same thing to me when I first came to AVEN-- they made a generalization that there are some things people with XY chromosomes can't POSSIBLY understand and that they must have anger issues if they can't see that.

Truisms have a way of inoculating those who can't grok someone else's pain from seeing into the depths of their despair. Male or female, straight or not, I think everyone deserves a little empathy and compassion and to not have their feelings turned into a political football. And yes, I'm quite aware this is not a support site-- but that doesn't excuse what the OP was put through here.

I guess Pioneers can expect getting an arrow in the butt-- but sheesh! The quivers got emptied on this one!

But I guess the REAL question is going to be: Will this spark a dialogue, or will the majority faction come back loaded for bear next time?

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Miss Behavin'

Wait, that's your definition of Pretty Boy? So, you mean "pretty boy" as in Tom Hiddleston? I thought you meant Pretty Boy as in Andrej Prejic.

I was thinking more along the lines of Andrew Garfield, Zac Efron, and Robert Pattinson. Where they aren't necessarily feminine-looking, but look young and always look like they spent an hour or two getting ready before going out. Or, more like back when N'Sync or Backstreet Boys were popular... those were just the images that came to mind reading the OP's post.

I didn't exactly mean were commonly mistaken for female, but did typically female-gendered things like paying attention to clothes and hair, and therefore didn't quite experience being male in their culture in the same way that a guy who conforms (intentionally or not) to stereotypical ideals of masculinity does.

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