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Can you have a crush on someone without wanting to be in a relationship with them?


Deer

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I apologize in advance if this isn't the right place to ask something like this, but I've searched the internet all night and I can't for the life of me think of anywhere else I can seek an answer than here.

I'm eighteen years old, and I have some pretty confusing feelings towards my best friend. It feels sort of like a crush - I get a little fluttery inside when she sends me text messages, I enjoy being physically close with her (I normally don't like hugging or touching people who aren't close family/friends), and sometimes I think it would be nice to kiss her. We're very close, in a way that has made a lot of our classmates suspect we're secretly dating and be confused about the nature of our relationship, which I enjoy having them think. My friend found it funny to, and it lead to us using relationshippy terminology about ourselves for fun - for example, she often refers to me as a backup or 'extra' for her real boyfriend. She knows I'm asexual, which I think is partly the reason she's comfortable joking around like that. However, when I think about it, I don't want to have a relationship with her or date her at all, the idea alone just seems absurd. Kissing seems appealing sometimes, but other times not at all. When she talks about stuff she's been doing with her boyfriend, I have no desire to do those things with her (then again, I don't really desire doing that with anyone) - and speaking of her boyfriend, I'm not jealous of him at all. But I still feel differently about her than about my other friends somehow.

I've been considering if I maybe want something like a queerplatonic relationship with her, but I don't really know what that entails. Plus I have no idea how I would approach that subject with her if I did. Otherwise I'm wondering if it's romantic attraction, but I don't know if that's even possible if you're not actually interested in a relationship.

I'm mostly asking this out of confusion and curiosity - we're not really having any problems with our friendship, aside from a slight awkwardness when joking around every now and then (I feel like there's some sort of unresolved romantic/sexual tension sometimes, but that may just be me imagining things lol)

Any opinions on this? Has anyone felt something similar? I hope this post hasn't been too confusing to read.

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I personally think it's normal to have a crush on someone but not want a relationship with them. I've had crushes on guys before, but I didn't actually wanna be with them. I just thought they were cute and stuff. Although, how you have the desire to kiss her, I never got that. It seems like you're confused about your feelings. Like you like her like that, but you don't like her like that.

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Janus the Fox

Well... People can have a crush on famous people, that doesn't mean they want a relationship explicitly with them. That would be a want or desire rather than what people feel for. I don't experience crushes nor desire relationship but it is separate and normal.

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Ooh yes definitely! I have experienced this before. Usually I have squishes first that develop into crushes, but I don't have a desire to be with that particular person. I just admire and day-dream about them all day :wub:

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I wouldn't think so, no. If it's not to the point where you would want to pursue a relationship, most people around here would consider that a "squish" instead of a crush. It's basically the same sort of thing as a crush, minus the romantic connotations.

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I was going to talk about being lithromantic here. Personally, I'm pretty sure I've had crushes but did not actually want the reality, just that I liked the idea of the person in my head, thought about what it might be like to be in a relationship, but if the same person wanted a relationship with me, I'd still say "no." I've had crushes like this on a few female friends and at least one male friend recently. For example, I would never have wanted the male friend to leave his GF for me. Never, ever. But I did develop some sort of feelings for him beyond "normal" friendship. Even if he was single, I don't think I'd consider a real life relationship with him, because I don't like relationships except the ones inside my head. I don't need reciprocity.

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I was going to talk about being lithromantic here. Personally, I'm pretty sure I've had crushes but did not actually want the reality, just that I liked the idea of the person in my head, thought about what it might be like to be in a relationship, but if the same person wanted a relationship with me, I'd still say "no." I've had crushes like this on a few female friends and at least one male friend recently. For example, I would never have wanted the male friend to leave his GF for me. Never, ever. But I did develop some sort of feelings for him beyond "normal" friendship. Even if he was single, I don't think I'd consider a real life relationship with him, because I don't like relationships except the ones inside my head. I don't need reciprocity.

Very much seconded. I've got some lith tendencies, too, and I'm romance repulsed... so wanting to stay the hell away from someone I have a crush on, especially if there's a risk of reciprocation, has pretty much become my normal mode of operation over the last decade or two.

(I guess wording it as "risk of reciprocation" is something only a lith would ever say, in the first place... :lol: )

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Haha, yes. "Risk of reciprocation."

I would re-word my sentence "I don't need reciprocity" to something like "I do not want and actively avoid the chance of any reciprocation," actually. In real life, I'm happy with platonic, non-romantic friendship. In my head, I can safely explore possibilities of what things might be like otherwise, but even then, I think I'm only romantically attracted to the idealized non-existent version of the person in my head, not the real human in question. And I'm not talking about celebrities or fictional characters even, this has happened with friends I am close to. And I never told those people, because then they'd assume I wanted a relationship, and I didn't.

Also, the one friend was a single bisexual female and seemed interested; another was a straight female and would NOT have been, the male friend might have been interested but had a GF. And I never got jealous of these people's BFs/GFs at all, because I didn't actually want the people to myself, or at all in real life. But I still maintain that I had huge crushes on these people.

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Thanks a lot for the answers guys, that makes a lot of sense! I've had squishes before and this is not it I think, but I think it's likely to be a lithromantic sort of crush. I don't think I'm "full-on" lithromantic (then again, who knows. It would actually explain a lot about how I've handled two out of the three crushes I've had before, and I guess also a bit how I handled my last relationship), but I suppose it's entirely possible to get that kind of crush anyway. It's fascinating how complicated human emotions are haha.

Thanks again!

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WhenSummersGone

I believe someone can. I think I've had crushes on people before but really couldn't see myself dating them. I think I can find a few things about someone that are cool or interesting but wouldn't want a relationship with them.

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I could hunt certain person for years, but if I succeed I wouldn´t know what to do. :lol:

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Nomad in Stasis

I have various Anime crushes, tough really, that can't really apply as there is no chance of having a relationship with them. :P

I would say I experience some squishes every now and then. Sometimes I don't know exactly what I feel in terms of a squish or crush. I have had what iIthough was a crush and have it end up where it was really just a squish as I never developed any want to be with them in terms of a relationship.

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I've experienced this sort of thing; it's like there's not exactly a term for the kind of relationship you want (or perhaps which you already have) with her.

It's all good, your relationships should be defined first and foremost by you. Whether it's a friend, a squish, a crush, a queerplatonic whatever, sexual, not sexual... I really believe the important thing is that you are clear about what you want the relationship to be and you honor those feelings, whether they resemble any pre-defined notion of what a "relationship" is supposed to look like or not.

I'm curious if you've talked about your feelings and the way you see your relationship with your friend to her. In addition to getting clear about our own feelings, I do feel that it's important to negotiate/talk over expectations with those that we love. I think it's a part of redefining our loving relationships on a societal scale, and that it helps lay the groundwork for a mutually consenting relationship as well as recognition of diversity of relationship/sexual desires.

Then again if you are fine having your feelings and expect nothing in return from her... maybe you don't need to have such a direct discussion the subject?

At any rate it sounds like you have a really sweet and loving thing going on with your friend. That's awesome.

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