Help Please

[DanteSangue]

Here goes a long story…

So me and my girlfriend have been together for about 1.5 years. I am a 19 and a little over a year older than she is. We love each other dearly and I can not see myself with anyone else. She makes me so happy when im with her and I never want to leave her.

So I was her first although she was not mine. I never forced her in to anything she didn’t want to do. In fact it was her idea to have sex when we did as I told her over and over that I would wait for her. When we first started having sex we didn’t go crazy but we did have sex quite a bit maybe twice a week. After a about 3 months of this everything changed. We stopped having sex almost completely. We literally had sex once a month and that was only because I wanted to. She would say that she wanted to as well but she never seemed as enthusiastic as I was.

When we had sex she seemed to like it saying she climaxed nearly every time. I never did but this is not because of her. For some reason I go a very long time before I am finished, this has gone on through all my relationships. But once she came that was it. She said it hurt to much and would literally beat me until I got out of her. This really hurt me because not only was I not satisfied but it also seemed like I was being used and literally caused stress on me. Now she barely even kisses me and I am almost always the one that initiates the kissing sessions and I have to beg her even for that.

I often asked what happened to make her change so suddenly but she never told me and often got mad when I brought it up. So I did some research and then thought she might be asexual and told her what that meant about 4 months ago. This started a huge fight because she said I was bullying her and treating her badly even though I tried my hardest to not seem mad (which I wasn’t I just wanted to know what I did). After this she exclaimed that she was not asexual she just didn’t want sex like I did blaming me for always wanting sex although again I never forced her to do anything.

But after a year of asking what I did wrong she told me last week she was asexual. I knew how hard it was for her to actually come to terms with this so I was glad she finally told me. But after thinking about the situation I became upset for a few reasons. One I had been asking for over a year what I did wrong. She would only ever say she didn’t know. Now I know she might not of known herself what was going on back then and I understand that, but anytime I asked she often turned it on me saying that I wasn’t treating her right and always wanting sex. Thinking about it now I am pissed to be treated as though I demanded sex from her every day and that’s all I wanted. If all I wanted was sex I would have left her a long time ago.

I want sex because if I don’t masturbate before im with her that’s all I think about and it causes problems. But if I do masturbate I am no longer sexual to her and I can be what she really needs from me or anyone in her life. I feel that if I can have sex with someone other than her then I can eventually separate her from my sex life and she can have the non sexual side of me 99% of the time.

I love her and I don’t want to leave her… but I really don’t think I can stay with someone forever without sex. I am willing to have sex with other people because I can separate sex from love, but I know it would hurt her so I cant do that. This is just not a good situation because I did not know this when we first started seeing each other. Had I know then this would be different but because neither of us knew what we know now I don’t know what to do. I want to be with her but I also want to have sex.

I just want some advice. If she was okay with it I would see other people as long as she talks to them and all parties understand what we are getting in to. I don’t want to do this just to see other people. I want this so that I can be a better person towards her. I don’t want to cheat on her which is why I want everything out in the open. I just think if we cant compromise that things wont last long and I want to be with her for the rest of my life…

Huge wall of text maybe even a building of it. Im sorry I just need some advice from anyone who will listen.

To the point. My girlfriend of almost 2 years recently came out as asexual and I want to know what do that is good for both of us. sorry for any typos or if i offend anyone as i am hoping i did not. Thanks in advance!

[Touchofinsight]

The only thing you can do here is talk to her about it.

Tell her how you feel about sex and its importance to you and how not only do you need sex but you need physical release because it sounds like even when you were having sex she would take her fill of what she could give and it stopped abruptly there. You didn't get to climax which is kinda the point obviously if you need to climax that is. That isn't to overlook whatever sacrifices she could of made but I am looking from the OP perspective.

Tell her some alternatives that you'd like to explore with her I.E. sleeping with other women and how you can separate emotion and sex.

But whatever you do, don't use an ultimatum (I.E. if you can't approve or allow me to have sex with someone or you then we'll break up).

Just tell her how you feel and present the ideas. If she isn't going to allow you to fulfill your needs either with her or someone else then break up with her in person like a gentlemen and simply say this isn't going to work for me. Perhaps you two might find a middle ground and she will prioritize the relationship over sex in some way. I.E oral sex, open relationship etc.

And I say her, because in this scenario his needs aren't being met, if he decides to go to celibacy to stay with her sure but that is a decision he has clearly already made.

Anytime you enter a relationship you invest your time and your emotions and you should be prepared to be hurt.

If you choose to break up it has the potential to be better for the both of you because you both learned a bit more about yourselves and what your willing to do to have a relationship and what your needs are. This looks like it was more growth for her then you, but I am sure there are things you can take from this as a learning experience and grow from.

Best of luck

Touch!