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I want to move forward


AfriendA

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Hey there,

I found this site a while ago after a family member mentioned a documentary about asexuality. Her description of the film and the people in it kind of resonated with me. While on this site I came across a post by a young woman who said that contrary to popular belief she, as an asexual, fell in love all the time. She wrote that she wanted to have deep, meaningful relationships with people that she loved and admired and respected and often felt her feelings were mutual that is until her supposed partner would find a sexual, romantic relationship with someone else and abandon her, leaving her crushed. She posed the question "why do friends abandon each other when they enter into sexual relationships with other people?"

I have felt this way many times. I have been hurt by friends who have abandoned me for sexual relationships over and over again.

But I am sexual. Oh man. I have a lot to learn here I know. I am open and excited about it too. Please bare with me (and help me out) if I lack the proper vocabulary to explain myself.

I am not asexual. I enjoy and desire sex with other people. I am a fierce friend. I have felt the sting of abandonment when a "lose" a friend to a sexual relationship. I feel friendships really deeply and become very connected to and concerned about my friends. I want to honor their friendship and support them.

But now I have become very good friends with a man who rejects sexual/romantic relationships. I love this man. He is my best friend perhaps even my soul mate. I have never felt so comfortable around another person-- like I can really be myself. I have never wanted to get to know some one so honestly before, I want to encourage him to be himself around me and welcome all of his quirks and faults as much as his perks and perfections. I think of him constantly. He is gentle and kind and creative and passionate. He struggles with empathy and verbal expression of emotions and we disagree on many things, but still, i believe we love each other and have a very deep friend ship.

I also think of him sexually. I fantasize about him. Twice I have told him about my feelings for him and how I have sexual and romantic feelings for him as well as feelings of deep friendship. He resisted and told me that he was damaged, and I was mistaken. He told me he was bad. He told me he was broken, un-fixable. He told me he didn't like kissing and didn't want to have sex with anyone. He expressed feelings of doubt and sexual inadequacy and lack of sexual prowess. All this is despite previous conversations that lead me to believe he enjoys porn, masturbates and has dated/had sex with a hand full of other women. I promised to never bring it up again. And I took a few days off hanging out with him to recover from the embarrassment of wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I couldn't stay away long though. I blush and feel electric when others say his name. I am so grateful to him for his friendship and I need him in my life.

We spend a lot of together. Wherever we go people mistake us for a couple. Strangers tell us often how cute a couple we are, how natural and comfortable we are with each other and how they can tell we love each other. our other friends and colleagues also assume we are a couple and ask us when we will get married or have kids or say things like "Just kiss him." "Just show him your tits." And even though it kinda stings to encounter this mistake so frequently, I think "it doesn't matter." It doesn't matter what they think we have because WE know what WE have got going on.

Another good friend recently implored me to "just kiss him" and explained that she thought "he wouldn't know what he wanted until he got it" I told her. "I love him. He told me he is not interested in having that kind of relationship with me and what choice do i have but to believe him?"

As a staunch feminist consent and mutual respect is foremost on my mind when it comes to sex. How can I possibly pressure him sexually or ignore his "no" by just kissing him or initiating sex and still adhere to my own principles about respect and consent. He said no. I have to respect that. I don't want to access my sexuality or anyone else's as a means of control or coercion.

But it is hard. I constantly catch myself flirting with him or touching him, rubbing his arm or back. It is almost involuntary. I feel so comfortable around him, I want to be affectionate. I want to show him my affection. We touch casually and I feel electric. I catch myself and stop. But then later when he leaves, I fall against the door like some jerk in a romantic comedy. I relish every electric shock I got from him that evening and long for more voltage! direct currents. high frequency.

I have tried dating other men. And for no reason at I sometimes hide it from my friend. I told him once dating other guys felt like cheating on him and I asked if it made him jealous. He said he knew that most guys would not understand the close relationship that we have and that he would help me explain it to them if I ever found a guy I wanted to stick around. He told me he wasn't jealous and he wanted me to have fun and be happy. He understands that our friendship is something deeper and different than most.

I don't want him to be jealous. I don't want him to change. I do want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to move forward. I want to appreciate this really special friendship for what it is. I want to be happy with my friend and not long for something physical. I want to have platonic love with this guy with out wanting to kiss him all the time. I want to respect my friend and his sexuality (or lack there of) and be supportive. I love him.

I think I need your help to work though my feelings about this guy and his/my feelings about sexuality/romance. I want to be a friend and ally to this community. I want to uphold my feminist views of consent and mutual respect.

What do you think? Do you have any ideas, suggestions or resources for me?

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I don't know that I fall under aromantic, but I also don't experience the romantic attachment others seem to experience. That being said, one of the nicest things I've ever heard in defining what marriage is like (what a friend told me) -- "having a live in friend," might be something he would appreciate. So what do you see at the next step forward? It seems your mixed between platonic love and a completely sexual relationship. There is a good reference in the wiki for this: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Aromantic_FAQ What you might ultimately be looking for is something like a queerplatonic relationship: http://jhameia.tumblr.com/post/2868886233/word-of-the-day-queerplatonic . What he is looking for, well, perhaps you can ask him? State your desire to be closer, even if it isn't sexual. Also, one last point, he might not know you're flirting with him. I know I'm oblivious to what other people call flirting, so it wouldn't shock me if he was the same.

- Jeremy

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Hi! I have a couple of immediate thoughts. It makes me sad that he thinks he's broken...I don't know if you've mentioned asexuality to him, but perhaps it is something you may want to bring up. Here is a link to the relationship FAQ, you may find it helpful if you do want to talk to him about it. There is also this overview with some extremely helpful information. I hope you find these items useful.

My husband's asexual so if you ever want to PM me, feel free. I do sympathize with you (sort of...it feels good too I imagine) on your electrical dilemma, that's a tough one! You sound really considerate and nice though, it sounds like you two are quite the pair.

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This isn't an asexual issue, IMO. This is an unrequited love issue. You need to separate from him. Take some time away from him. Date other people while actively NOT TALKING TO, SEEING, EMAILING, FACEBOOKING, OR OTHERWISE INTERACTING WITH HIM.

It sounds super scary, doesn't it? You're in a make-believe relationship right now and it is causing you pain and prohibiting you from moving forward. There are other men in this world that will make you smile when you hear their name, that will send electricity up your arms when you touch, that you dream about, fantasize about... all the things you feel for this guy, you can feel for another guy... another guy who will return those feelings and make you feel absolutely amazing. That's what you need. This relationship that you have with your friend should be a friendship, but it's not because you're holding a torch for the fella. You must let it go for everyone's sake. If nothing else, think about the poor sweet man who is waiting for you to be his soul mate, but has to keep waiting because you're still tethered to a man who doesn't want you.

Walking away from intense romantic feelings is So. Hard. Trust me, my friend, I know from which I speak. You gotta do it anyway.

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