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Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!

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AlexPeyton

- Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I identify as aromantic asexual but I'm attracted to only girls sensually and aesthetically. Basically I want a female partner who's more of a close platonic friend than anything else :)
- How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

At first I thought I was a lesbian, then after being in the lesbian dating pool for a while I realised I didn't like girls sexually or romantically
- Have you come out of the close as any of both?

The majority of my general social sphere assume I'm gay - I'm generally out as queer to everyone except my family. But I'm only out as asexual to about 5 friends ^^

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dissolved

I want to be prt of this bar! I may just end up the local drunk though haha

Sounds fun

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xmegglez

So glad to have somewhere I belong. I've been feeling so alone lately, maybe with the holidays and shit. I'm just looking for some friends, people to talk to, and aces who get me. Add me or message me if you have any advice.

<3 megan

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テト

I'm a Homoromantic guy if I count?

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caffeine

^ Depends, will you help us build the bar?

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Kanenas

Moceanu, if you are crafty and sturdy, you will receive the title 'honorary dyke'. But first off, you have something to prove!

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Member82318

Hello! I will be jumping into this thread because I've been staring at it for a while now and I love just jumping in. So let's get to it.....(Edit: This...this is a long post. I'm sorry about that I tend to ramble)

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

Technically neither since I'm neither asexual nor romantic. I am an aromantic lesbian though! So I'm not too lost.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I discovered it in highschool when I got introduced to lesbian stories and I was like damn these are amazing why isn't all of it this. And my gayness just grew from there. It's only been recently since I figured out I may be aromantic (or quoiromantic is the term i'm test driving right now). I may actually be on the ace spectrum because I've never felt sexual attraction for someone I've met IRL, it's only been fictional ladies and (if I love them a little too much) their actresses (though that might be more of an aesthetic attraction idk.)

Are you yet not sure?

I'm definitely not sure on any of it. Different attractions are so confusing. I'm not sure what I'm feeling towards anyone anymore. Like I never had romantic/sexual attraction IRL, but I definitely have the desire for both. It's just whenever I fantasize about either it's never really me doing it. It's more like a weird fantasy version of me that really isn't me at all and most of the time I just choose my favorite ship and put myself in their body instead. Much easier that way. And I'm pretty sure I've felt aesthetic attraction because some people (very few actually now that I think of it) I can't help but stare at. I'd see people and think "oh maybe this one is the one" (with girls and boys which frankly terrifies me as my identity is based so much on being a lesbian and I really would not like to fall for/date a boy. that would suck) and then imagine how my life would be with them, but there's no attachment to it. I can't describe it. It's not because I like this specific person and want to get to know them it's more like I want to get to know them because they might be that elusive One I'm looking for. It's all very confusing.

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

I've come out to my parents as gay, my cousin found out through the internet, and I have some besties who know the real me, but other than that I pretty much don't advertise. The only time I did was in my LGBT studies class and sexuality debate. I've only recently discovered aromanticism and I've told my bffs that I think I might be aro. They've been very supportive! I have the best friends.

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Member82318

...And this is where I run and hide from this thread forever.

Because honestly, I don't get where this attitude is coming from. Why is it a problem for bi girls to prefer one gender over the other? Because the only reasons I can think of as to why that's problematic are that people are going to claim that "they're not really bi", or that people are going to be scared that their bi partner is going to cheat on them with a man. Why is that assumption there? Because I can tell it's what you're all thinking - why else would you be wary of dating a bi girl? It's almost like a cruel cycle - a bi girl wants to go out with another girl, but none of the lesbians she knows will date her because she's bi and "what if she cheats on me with a man/is not really bi?", so she ends up dating a man, which makes the lesbians assume that most bi girls prefer boys, and the cycle goes on.

This is exactly why my sister is terrified of going into LGBT spaces, even though she adores women - she has a boyfriend, and she knows that this is exactly the kind of reaction she'd get. I honestly just don't understand where this attitude is coming from. There's a girl I very much adore, and I'm practically biting my tongue every time I see her...why should that feeling be undermined by the fact that I usually like dudes?

I'm sorry if that sounded rude, or angry, or dismissive. I just don't see why being bisexual is such a problem, or should make people wary.

(Whoops double posting this is why I should read the whole thread before jumping into threads)

This whole thing makes me so angry because I was definitely one of those girls before I was slapped across the head with some common sense. I mean I'm sure people have some genuine reasons to be wary of others, but me I didn't have a damn reason except for some hearsay on the internet. I try to be more open minded now. I have to work on getting this internalized biphobia under wraps since it's pretty messed up to judge someone like that. (especially since now that i identify as an aromantic sexual people are going to think i'm just a shallow slut who will use you and abuse you which is so so far from the truth)

I've also been seeing some things on tumblr about most hate the word lesbian. I don't want to screw anything up so I'll just say that I think it was because of how dirty society makes the word. It's used as an insult constantly and (I think) has a far worse rep than gay does.

As for this:

Can I maybe ask something a little controversial here?

My question is, if a lesbian refers to HERSELF as a dyke, then is it okay to refer to her as a dyke as well? Both of my close lesbian friends call themselves dykes rather than lesbians (I actually found out that one of them was a lesbian when I noticed her necklace that had the word "dyke" written on it), and because they use it so often when talking about themselves, I often find myself using it to refer to them (no-one else, though - I'd never call a lesbian a dyke if I wasn't sure she was okay with that). But I've had people immediately mention that the word makes them feel uneasy and that I should never ever refer to a lesbian as a dyke (this is mostly coming from guys, by the way). So is it okay, or should I stop? It's a touchy subject, I know, but I want to prevent myself from making any missteps in the future.

I'm pretty sure it's a personal preference and it changes for each person. I know someone who refers to themselves as a dyke because to them it's ultimate sisterhood, but I also know people who are 100% against the word and would be furious if that was said to them. I've also seen this with the word queer. I know some who are really offended by it (because it was used as a slur in the past) and others who prefer it to any other label because it's more ambiguous I guess. So really it just depends on the person.

Aaaaaand I've talked way too much. I just apparently like to hear myself talk. I think that's enough for one day. And I also realized you've posted these inquiries over a year ago and I'm terribly sorry for rehashing it (but I've written to much to just erase it!)

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caffeine

Like I never had romantic/sexual attraction IRL, but I definitely have the desire for both. It's just whenever I fantasize about either it's never really me doing it. It's more like a weird fantasy version of me that really isn't me at all and most of the time I just choose my favorite ship and put myself in their body instead. Much easier that way.

This part is so relatable though. It's been like this for me for as long as I can remember. The furthest I've gone with me actually being ME in a romantic/sexual fantasy is a kiss. That's it. Everything else and I have to shift the perspective, make it not about me (which probably explains why a ship can pretty much take over my life lol). Have you heard the term 'autochorissosexuality'? It's not a very popular one and people (even in the Ace community sometimes) have expressed opinions that it's taking the labeling rampage a step too far... Regardless, even if I don't identify fully with it or actually use it that often, I've found that it best describes my experiences with sexuality / sensuality / self / fiction.

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Member82318

Like I never had romantic/sexual attraction IRL, but I definitely have the desire for both. It's just whenever I fantasize about either it's never really me doing it. It's more like a weird fantasy version of me that really isn't me at all and most of the time I just choose my favorite ship and put myself in their body instead. Much easier that way.

This part is so relatable though. It's been like this for me for as long as I can remember. The furthest I've gone with me actually being ME in a romantic/sexual fantasy is a kiss. That's it. Everything else and I have to shift the perspective, make it not about me (which probably explains why a ship can pretty much take over my life lol). Have you heard the term 'autochorissosexuality'? It's not a very popular one and people (even in the Ace community sometimes) have expressed opinions that it's taking the labeling rampage a step too far... Regardless, even if I don't identify fully with it or actually use it that often, I've found that it best describes my experiences with sexuality / sensuality / self / fiction.

Yes! I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I'm trying to pinpoint where the furthest I've gone with myself as the star, but I can't. It's more like I'm watching a movie than anything. I don't think any is really me and I don't do it consciously it just happens. (And I definitely understand how a ship can take over your life so many have taken over mine!)

And I have heard of autochorissosexuality (what a mouth full), but the definition I saw didn't make sense to me. I'll have to check on it again. (I just checked and the part that I didn't connect with was "lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein" I think I have the desire it's just never really me in my fantasies. It's very confusing to think about/explain.

Edited by darkndangel9

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xmegglez

Didn't realize I was supposed to answer these in my first post, so here they are:

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I think homoromantic better describes me, because I do have a strong desire for romance. Officially, though, I identify as homoromantic demisexual.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I identified as asexual much earlier than anything having to do with lesbianism or homo-anything. I realized in high school that I wasn't like my friends - that I was actually repulsed by the idea of sex. I really wanted emotional connections, though. It's only been in the last few years that I've felt like it's only homoromantic relations that fulfill that desire and that once that connection is made, I can experience sexual attraction (but only to an extent).

Are you yet not sure?

I am fairly certain that this is who I am. I feel comfortable with my identity, now - like I've finally found a way to describe how I feel.

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

To most people, I've come out as a lesbian, because the whole concept of romantic orientations and demisexuality is so far above the heads of "normal" people that it's easier for me to just call it what they see it as.

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KittiesSong

Hi everybody!

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I like the term Homoromantic better but that's cause for some reason I always equated Lesbian with the sexual part of homosexuality and well... that doesn't really fit me.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

It started when I was young and knew I liked girls more than boys but I didn't really know why... then when I was college everyone was like you are a lesbian and I had three year relationship with a woman but something just wasn't quite right... it wasn't until I found the term ace that I started to realize what the "problem" might have been. After that I was like well... I still love women but maybe I can like guys enough to pass for straight... yea... then I realized that wasn't working either. Before I'd found the ace term I just figured I was "broken" but I had/have a lovely I guess you would call it a "romantic friendship" and I am just head over heels for this girl and she knows it. I'm finally coming around to the idea of being homoromantic even though it's still pretty tough for me.

Are you yet not sure?

No, I'm pretty sure... just sometimes it gets stressful.

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

Not really... I've never told anyone about being "ace" as a term... I've told them I didn't have interest in sex and the reactions were pretty much all the same "You need therapy, you're weird... ect ect" the only person who hasn't done that is my best friend who I love to death. She might be a unknown ace as well... but you never know. I came out as a lesbian before and I've gotten mixed reactions... I regret coming out because it's caused a lot of tension and assumptions that I wish had never been brought up but it is what is it.

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xSkylar

On a sorta related note, does anyone have a good gaydar?

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Cimmerian

Only for guys. XD I can't tell if a woman is gay or bi to save my life unless they're really obvious or stereotypical about it.

I read something discussing a possible scientific basis to women having a "gaydar" that only works in regards to men though, which is too bad because it'd be pretty helpful. I'm not sure they used lesbians or bisexuals as the "guessers" in the research though.

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Kanenas

On a sorta related note, does anyone have a good gaydar?

An impeccable one! I swear by it.

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caffeine

On a sorta related note, does anyone have a good gaydar?

Faulty one, but yeah there's something. In some cases it gets totally trumped by the wishful-thinking-dar.

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Cimmerian
In some cases it gets totally trumped by the wishful-thinking-dar.

I have that one pretty strongly. :lol: I keep hoping I will get lucky with it one day.

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The Emerald

I found out about my admiration for women after doing some research and a lot of meditating and digging into my soul/feelings. I knew I didn't really like boys due to the fact that I would be mad at them because almost all of the dudes I have encountered have been jerks.

I prefer to be called a Homoromantic Asexual but I have called myself and Asexual Lesbian before I knew of the previous name.

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irrelephant

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I have only just began trying for labels to more accurately describe myself, but to answer your question I feel more comfortable with homoromantic. I feel that panromantic may, too be appropriate.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I first discovered I was interested in women in late junior high. At that time my lack of sexual interest didn't really occur to me. I kept to myself mostly, observant of my peers in all of their romantic endeavors and thought it curious or amusing. It took a great deal of time and exploration to admit it to myself and even more to figure out I was a part of the asexual community. In retrospect, I should have came to the conclusion(s) sooner. My abhor toward labels and the need of copious research and experimentation to the point of no end would get in my way of commiting to one when ever I would think of it, haha. I am still learning.

Are you yet not sure?

I am certain about liking women, if nothing else.

Have you come out of the close as any of both?

I have to some extent. Typically, I will explain how I am gay so long as I am asked and leave any further elaboration to the in-depth conversations that are shared if one wishes to inquire for more. I am fortunate to have friends who are so-very accepting of who I am. With my parents on the other hand... well, I haven't flat out said it but there have been conversations/confrontations and it just did/does not go well at all. Such a thing is not well accepted in my family and quite frankly their knowledge or approval with my private affairs isn't something I care or intend to concern over. ~

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Worry! At the Theatre

I'm an aromantic asexual lesbian. I used to be a hypersexual bisexual though. My ideal relationship with a woman is one where we just do friendship stuff like video games and eating fast food and walking around when the weather's nice and watching The Bachelor... friendship stuff. No cuddling, no sex, nothing of that sort, but we're each other's plus-one to events that would normally require a romantic partner, and we have it listed on Facebook as "in a relationship" with each other. But no sex, and she doesn't pressure me for it, and she doesn't smell like body odor or vaginal infection, and she doesn't cheat on me.

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BlakeQuinn00

I love this topic and am so glad that it exists. I try not to give labels to much power but am happy to identify as a homoromantic (or gyneromantic is a way to describe it too i think...) asexual. I think i always new i was not like my peers and asexual just revealed itself to me one day and i figured some big stuff out. As for being a 'lesbian' its a bit newer cause i never was interested in anyone, but now i know i would really love a close? romantic? relationship with someone. To like hang with and mabye if i was really comfortabe cuddle.

I am not full out yet cause i am a bit laking in the close freindship department. I like homoromantic best because i am very genderqueer and it is nice and nutral there.

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ZUT

I've always known I was asexual. When I was married I thought maybe I was gay because I did not feel sexual attraction for my husband or any man.

Then again, i don't feel sexual attraction for women either. But I like women. I think about hand holding, and sweet things...hugs and such but no sex.

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koala kid 21

so I didnt really have any feelings for anyone until freshman year of highschool i had a huge crush on my new best friend. She made me feel special and i thought about her all the time which confused me because i never liked a girl and i barely ever liked a boy so after i got over her and just enjoyed our friendship i came across asexuality and new instantly that i was ace :cake::cake: ! I was actually pretty sad about it but now i know im a fucking unicorn :aven: anyways i currently do not like anyone or see myself dating anyone which makes me think im aromatic but i gotta say i really liked that girl soooo idk Im kinda just going with the flow. Who knows maybe ill meet a nice girl or maybe even boy in college who will kickstart the feelings departed which would be awesome because being aromatic gets lonley and boring :ph34r:

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dunhauren

hi, i have some stuff with myself and being lesbian. i dont know if i am cause so far in my life i havent felt anything towards no girls but someone that knows me thinks i might be lesbian. she has reasons to say it, its not just a typical stupid answer. i might be in a so huge denial that any type of feelings have been blocked. i know some of the reasons i might be in denial but i have this thing in my guts that tells me those are not the only reasont to be in denial. lets start with the ones i know :

-the idea of loving someone is too much for me. it doesnt have anything to do with being lesbian. the problem there is "the feels", to say so. too many emotions. The thing is, i cant handle positive emotions that are very intense related to other people

-the consequence of saying (if that is what happens) "im lesbian" gives me the feeling that everyone will be staring at me and that scares me. its not related with religion issues or knowing that im (maybe?) lesbian cause my family know one gay person

so as you see, its not the "what will they say if the know" or religion issues. but i know theres more than the fear of staring at me (or the being afraid to love). and i have the feeling that if im lesbian, people treat me strange. like when theres some people that are talking about someone and when that someone appears they stop talking but not because of fear or annoyance or being upset or being sick of something (in a "youre gay, thats disgusting"). Just because that wasnt expected. as in gossiping for a big shock, you know?

i dont know what other reasons could exist. the person that thinks im lesbian thinks that i dont accept myself. i dont know whats inside me. when i try to explain what are the reason and why that happens, i cannot do it cause i dont know. As kafka said once, "i cannot make you understand. i cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. i cannot even explain it to myself".

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Mikasa

Are you asexual lesbian?

I guess so. I'm not sure how romantic I am though. I'm definitely aesthetically attracted to girls and I've had some female crushes (or squishes?), but those girls were all unavailable (because they were straight, already in a relationship, living too far away, things like that). Because of this I have very little experience and I've never really been in love. Also, I recently went on my first real date with a (very nice) girl, but her flirting made me feel quite uncomfortable. Not sure if this is because I might be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum or if she just wasn't the right person...

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I first identified as bisexual, later lesbian. I only really learned about asexuality last year.

Are you yet not sure?

See my answer to the first question.

Have you come out of the close as any of both?

Friends know I like girls, but they don't know I'm asexual.

I'm an aromantic asexual lesbian. I used to be a hypersexual bisexual though. My ideal relationship with a woman is one where we just do friendship stuff like video games and eating fast food and walking around when the weather's nice and watching The Bachelor... friendship stuff. No cuddling, no sex, nothing of that sort, but we're each other's plus-one to events that would normally require a romantic partner, and we have it listed on Facebook as "in a relationship" with each other. But no sex, and she doesn't pressure me for it, and she doesn't smell like body odor or vaginal infection, and she doesn't cheat on me.

Your ideal relationship sounds perfect to me. :)

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Limelight

Are you asexual lesbian?


as of just a couple months ago of discovering it, yeah



How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?


I originally came out as lesbian, I liked girls and ended up getting into a 4 year relationship with someone, I was the one on top so I didn't think anything was wrong since my gf at the time was a for sure "pillow princess" Doing so never really gave me anything of else out of it other than knowing that I did a good job, so I kept on doing it for her happiness lol. But when we got deeper into our relationship, I was confused as to why I never wanted it, or got as excited as she described it to me and I seriously then questioned my being lesbian. Sex wasn't why it ended btw, it was just a bunch of other interpersonal things. Went about dating anyone and everyone and it never lasted more than a couple of weeks. Oh so during that "lets date anyone and everyone who asks" and I just went out with guys, it just never worked. If they wanted to I guess stick themselves around my bubble I just get awkward real quick so that just kinda killed any insecurities about me not being gay. Everyone just had a hyper sex drive (in relation to asexuality lol) not to mention my going about dating was just horrible. So then I just stopped dating overall and I just blamed it on the fact that I just can't do the people thing. And just that roller coaster of emotions of oh god I'm broken and can never have a proper relationship with anyone. It was until tumblr, where I saw a post about asexuals, I had no idea what it was, googled it, looked into it some more, became in denial cuz oh no being asexual in a hypersexual culture, roller coaster of anger, denial and then acceptance.



Are you yet not sure?


I'm pretty sure it fits now at this point



Have you come out of the close as any of both?


I am out to my friends as lesbian. I'm not out to my family. I have casually mentioned it once to my friend about the sex thing, my friend replied with the standard "she might not be the one" "maybe you're really not gay after all" "maybe you just need to lose it in a drunken night" type responses even though it wasn't asexuality. And then it was just shoved under the rug and not mentioned again.



I've mentioned it to the ex (for closure) and she's just like OH ok and was completely accepting of it


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Danny103

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

Homoromantic works for me.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I discovered I liked girls in early high school after having a huge crush on a friend but I identified as bisexual before becoming comfortable identifying as a lesbian. I never heard of asexuality until a few months ago and I realized while I've had romantic crushes on girls I was never sexually attracted to any of them.

Are you yet not sure?

I'm 95% sure I'm asexual and I'm 100% sure that I like girls, so I'm pretty sure.

Have you come out of the closet as any of both?

I've been out as a lesbian for 4 years now but only a few people know that I'm identifying as asexual now (since it's so recent thing).

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Kanenas

Identifying as ace/gray, how successful are you with the ladies and how positive are your experiences? I am so sick and tired of all the negativity from within (LGBT circles) and so I must admit that I think not twice but thrice before I show interest in someone.

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socks15

Personally I don't like the sound of the word "lesbian" and also how much the word itself is overly sexualized in a way, like I met many boys that only hearing the word "lesbian" would make them start bad jokes about watching/participating in any sort of sex occurring, like all gay women have sex all the time and would surely like boys to watch/participate.

It is also used here as derogatory when someone doesn't show interest in relationships, like "what are you, a lesbian?", while gay sounds different considering i like the sound, so even though i can receive the same question, it happens less often and in a less derogatory tone of voice than when people use lesbian.

I like gay better because of the long ay sound, that way whenever I see a cute girl or whatever I can whisper "I'm soo gaAaAayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy". Lesbian doesn't really work as an adjective either.

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News_Junkie

*waves* Hello, comrades!



Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?


Gray-A homoromantic is probably the best description. But sex is just so unimportant to me in a relationship which is why I'm in this thread.



How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?


I've identified as a lesbian for the past five years (I'm 23 now). Still feel comfortable with that label as I just don't click with dudes either romantically or platonically. I've only more recently come to identify on the ace spectrum simply because my sexual attraction for women has never been particularly high, but I still strongly desire close relationships with other women.



Are you yet not sure?


I feel very confident that any future relationships I enter into will be another woman, and I certainly don't see myself turning into a sex fiend any time soon. ;) I don't stress about labels too much, though. I know more or less what I want, and that's good enough for me.



Have you come out of the closet as any or both?


My parents and several close friends know into ladies. I don't see it as super important for me personally to come out as gray-A to my parents since that's something I just don't feel comfortable sharing (in the same sense that I would not feel comfortable sharing details of a more active sex life if I had one). It will likely come up with conversations with close friends, and I feel confident they will be fully supportive and interested in what I have to say.


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