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Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!

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charlotte.everly

Hello lovely people ~ Just wanted to thank you for sharing all of your experiences!

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GingerFloof26

Hi all, GingerFloof here,

Just wanted to add my unique perspective on this thread. It's been interesting to read what some of you have to say. I definitely agree that some bi girls are best left out of the equation if you are looking for a stable relationship- I was once one and it was a transitional phase. But for me it transitioned into full-on lesbianism.

Unfortunately this conflicted with my religion. I'm LDS, or Mormon, if you prefer. I had trouble reconciling my religion with my sexuality until I realized that not all relationships have to be about sex. I'm wondering if any of you lovely ladies have had similar experiences with your religion vs. your sexuality?

Right now I'm just feeling lonely and left out of the relationship loop because I know I could never sexually satisfy a man, and yet my religious standards forbid me from engaging in sexual relations with a woman.

Edited by AlGorithm
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Kanenas

Ginger, every time the topic of bisexuality is brought up, every lesbian has at least one story to tell. Speaking to the LGBT (let's make the B invisible for now, just like the community loves to do anyway) in general - Well, has it ever occurred to you that these people you are talking about are not bi, but experimenting or fooling around? Has it ever occurred to you that, upon being hurt by genuine bisexual, the person in question simply is of questionable character?

There are many women who are either not certain of their orientation and toy around with it, or simply are too scared to use a big term like "homosexual/romantic". I know there's many who go through a transition in the coming out process and either become more comfortable at one point (the term bi gets dropped and they call themselves lesbian) or realize that they were straight all along. I also hear of many straight women who are temporarily fed up with men and decide to try something different for the sake of it. Neither actually have anything to do with bisexuality! They do not deserve the horrid reputation they have, as lesbians simply spread rumors like wildfire. What are the bisexuals, mythical harmful beings? Ghouls, fairies, trolls? Sure, every lesbian feels like she has been majorly trolled by what she believes to be a bisexual girl. Our community has been shaming them just like the heteronormative society has shamed gay men as being promiscuous, effeminate, and contagious without a single exception. Also, there's many lesbians claiming bisexuality to be non-existent. Now they're practically ghosts, too?

If a person cheats on you despite the agreement for sexual exclusivity, there can be many reasons for that. Bisexuality/romanticism is not one of them!

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cae38509

I realized I was gay before I knew I was asexual. I have known I was gay since I was 12. I am now 22. I have come out as gay but not as asexual. I don't necessarily feel the need to. I feel that my sex life is my own business and not something that everyone else needs to know about. I have explained the manner to a few friends who are always trying to get me to "check out" or "hook up" with various women and plan on explaining it to future partners, as well. I always knew I was different from others but I never knew there was a term to describe my lack of sexual attraction/desire or that there were even other people out there like myself until about a year ago. It is comforting knowing that you all are out there. Thank you for your love and support. Stay beautiful.

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Cayce

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I have preferred the terms gay or queer although now I feel homoromantic ace is more appropriate. I have never liked the word or identity of lesbian due largely to negative experiences with radical lesbian feminists in the late 70's and 80's. Also, while my biology is female my gender is not.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I have been coming out as something or other for 30 years. First gay as part of the butch femme community, then trans, now Ace. My discovery of this site and the fact that there are others like me was the product of a thread on a different (homosexual) web forum where asexuality was discussed in a very negative and in my mind aggressively hostile way. I was surprised by the lack of acceptance by a group that had been similarly discriminated against for so long. It led me to investigate what inspired such disgust and I found my new home here. :)

Are you yet not sure?

I am sure of all that I am. The labels have always been in flux dependent upon the user and I am pretty exhausted with the battles over them. Some that are generally clear for most present challenges for me. For example "homoromantic" the homo part of that is clear if your biology and gender match up, if not it gets trickier. I think it is perhaps similar with the term "lesbian", since the term as generally accepted is a reference to a sexual orientation, what happens when the sexual part is removed? Is the term the same? Is that dependent on the audience? Then add gender variance. I continue to know what I am, but what that is can be confusing for others.

Have you come out of the closet as any of both?

I have been out since I was 12 as gay and paid the price for it. I have always known trans but did not investigate the finer points of terminology until much later. I have never hidden and most folks figure out the parts they are comfortable with by looking at me. The Ace part is new. Not the facts, but the acknowledgment and place to learn are. As such, I have not really had much time or occasion to discuss it outside of this site. I am meeting with another soon and look forward to being able to discuss this face to face with someone.

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Capius

So I have finally admitted to myself after years of denying it that I'm homoromantic. I've known that I'm asexual since I was like 10 but I kept telling myself that I was aromantic and NO 'I'm not homoromantic, stop being crazy.' Only one other person knows this and I had to clarify what that meant because he didn't know. When most people meet me they usually think I'm a lesbian anyways so should I say I'm homoromantic or let just not correct them? Also I'm kind of nervous to tell other people. Right now the only people I would consider telling are the members of my GSA and this community. I'm nervous about what my other friends will think and I'm terrified about what my family will say. My mum gave me a speech about how if I was a lesbian she'd be okay with it but she only did that because she caught me cuddling with my friend. I don't know if she'd still be okay if I actually told her. The rest of my family is homophobic so that would not work out. I'm sorry to rant about this but I just don't know what to do and I have no one to talk to right now.

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Kanenas

Depends on you and only you, whether you feel like this is something you want to share with others. Ask yourself if and why you feel the need to share this, will you feel better then, do you feel like you are lying otherwise? I would understand that, even though I do not see it like that. When they hear the term lesbian, they will think of homosexuality, which is simply because most people do not realize there are attractions which are not sexual. Being Greek, lesbian to me simply means a female with attraction of any kind towards other females - Or it could be a person hailing from Lesbos :D

I don't care if the term is sexualized, the core definition does not change just because people are ignorant. I could care less about suffixes and assumptions in this case, I would never "correct" somebody who calls me a homosexual. Everybody who knows me knows that I'm a Lesbian and that is very good the way it is - Whether I experience sexual attraction, have a libido or engage in sexual activity is a very private matter for me personally though and therefore won't be discussed with those people.

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THESHE

ahhhhh so much to catch up on coming in so forgive me I've not read everyones post I'm just now tuning in..

I came out as a Lesbian and described How I was more so based on romance. I crave love expressing love and feeling loved. like 80's and 90's romance candle lit dinners, dancing in the moonlight and just enjoying every moment given... I had a best friend in my younger years we did everything together it took years to realize I was in love with her but not sexually just romantically, I want to find that same passion and feeling someday I know it exists, I finally have a term HomoRomance I just learned yesterday after watching the film. I had no clue for a while I've felt like I was the only one who felt that way. I also go nuts over people with intelligence.

This is sooo new to me my feelings and everything I finally have actual words and definitions.

it's so tough being in such a sexual environment everyone is going nuts over everyone and I'm just sitting in the back corner praying no one touches me and someone like me comes along....

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Mycroft is Yourcroft

@Skulls sad.gif I can't name the thread gay time, because... oh well... wouldn't be the thing I want to discuses.

Haha, "gay time" sounds rather hilarious. Not sure why... but it reminds me of the fact that apparently there's an ice cream bar in Australia called "Golden Gaytime".

gaytime.jpg

I also am not fond of the term 'lesbian', and if I was strictly homoromantic/homosexual, I think I'd much prefer to go with 'gay' instead.

Those. Are. The. Most. Delicious. Creations. On. The. Planet.

One of the best things about living in AUS :D

As for the thread, if I ever do have sex again, though it won't be in a relationship (no waaaay), it would probably be with another woman, since my last experiences have turned me off sex in general, but particularly sex with men.

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Kanenas

I heard many (by their own definition) straight women say that the best sex they had was with another woman - best as in satisfying. I've always been very indifferent and so them trying to get me to join the club has not really worked ;) If you wouldn't mind testing the waters with another woman, why not?

My best friend (who happens to be one of the aforementioned straight women) said that, in general, sex with another woman is much more intimate and emotional than with a man. This is something I keep hearing. I, thankfully, do not have any kind of comparison, but I think I know where she's coming from. She even said to me that if she didn't feel sexually attracted to the male physique, she would only have sex with women.

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AnotherMember

@Skulls sad.gif I can't name the thread gay time, because... oh well... wouldn't be the thing I want to discuses.

Haha, "gay time" sounds rather hilarious. Not sure why... but it reminds me of the fact that apparently there's an ice cream bar in Australia called "Golden Gaytime".

gaytime.jpg

I also am not fond of the term 'lesbian', and if I was strictly homoromantic/homosexual, I think I'd much prefer to go with 'gay' instead.

Those. Are. The. Most. Delicious. Creations. On. The. Planet.

One of the best things about living in AUS :D

As for the thread, if I ever do have sex again, though it won't be in a relationship (no waaaay), it would probably be with another woman, since my last experiences have turned me off sex in general, but particularly sex with men.

I want the ice cream now, is that wrong? :O lol

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marki

Can I ask as an intruder a question?

Oh snap I just did! Anyways.....is it odd that I've always thought that being a hetroromantic male in a poly relationship with a lesbian girl would a perfect situation....because I wouldn't have to ever be afraid of sex as an option? I want to be the "fake" husband for a lesbian girl from one of those cultures that doesn't accept it and the "real" girlfriend/wife would live with us as a "roommate". I totally would love that!

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cdrdash

Can I ask as an intruder a question?

Oh snap I just did! Anyways.....is it odd that I've always thought that being a hetroromantic male in a poly relationship with a lesbian girl would a perfect situation....because I wouldn't have to ever be afraid of sex as an option? I want to be the "fake" husband for a lesbian girl from one of those cultures that doesn't accept it and the "real" girlfriend/wife would live with us as a "roommate". I totally would love that!

I don't think this poly relationship is perfect. My definition of a lesbian is a woman who wants to be in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with another woman. Lesbians are not romantically or sexually attracted to men. So in that scenario you would get no romantic love from the women. That sounds less than ideal for a heteroromantic male.

Cathy

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marki

I don't want romance......I just want tax benefits and some great company. Also maybe holding.

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Lambda Corvus

I don't want romance......I just want tax benefits and some great company. Also maybe holding.

You do realise that legal marriage (with accompanying tax benefits) is not equivalent to a romantic relationship, don't you?

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marki

Yeah!! Loveless marriage! Well physically loveless...you still can love someone and be aromantic .

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Lambda Corvus

Yeah!! Loveless marriage! Well physically loveless...you still can love someone and be aromantic .

In which way? "Love", as a word, has a few different meanings for different people. As being aromantic is about not feeling romantic attraction, I would say that precludes any sort of romantic love. Familial "love" is another thing, but that doesn't feel like love to me. It could for other people, however.

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marki

I may just not know love....but for my own sake I hope there is a way I could love someone for just being awesome and nothing more!

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Jesrad

Has anyone seen the Key and Peele episode where gay marriage is approved and one partner is not at all excited about it?

I felt like that would be me. I certainly don't mind living in a state that is super unlikely to approve gay marriage. Less pressure from my family to find someone and tying the knot.

Like others have said, great to see other homoromantic asexuals on here. Considering we are the 0.1%.

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caffeine

Yeah, sometimes I feel like a minority in a minority in a minority :D Talk about being special :D

If we count in that my less than enthusiastic feelings about marriage, another minority can be added. (Don't get me wrong - I will support and do whatever I can for the cause of marriage equality as a principle, idea, and as a civil right that no one in love should be denied. But I personally really don't want to have anything to do with marriage, rituals and vows. Not my thing.)

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Cimmerian

Yeah, I can understand that. I believe the option should exist for everyone, but I'm personally not sure that I will want to be married regardless of whom it is to. =/ If I ever did do it, I'd do it through a judge because I'm not big on the ceremonial aspect of it. (Besides why spend all the money on a ceremony when you could spend it on an extensive honeymoon!) I'd probably want a pre-nup too... I've just seen too many people hurt or screwed through divorces.

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Non-Verbal Sam

i can only see myself in a sensual (maybe a little sexual) relationship with a woman

i have liked girls since i can remember, they seem prettier and friendlier and i want to hug them for hours while watching classic doctor who

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Komorebi

Hello everyone! Just wanted to pop in and say hello: I also identify as asexual lesbian. I came out as a lesbian about ten years ago, but the ace thing is relatively new to me. I always just figured I hadn't met the right one yet, but the truth is that the attraction I feel to women is vastly different than the one other lesbians experience, as I've come to understand.

So here I am ^_^

I'd really like a partner, but as if being a lesbian didn't already make it difficult enough to find someone...

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belovedless

So, if a woman is only or primarily emotionally attracted to women, but not romantically or sexually, and is asexual, could this women still identify as an asexual lesbian?

I mean, of course anyone can identify how they want, but would it be an understandable (as in, needs little explanation) identifier? Just thinking of the aromantics here!

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Kanenas

If there's any kind of attraction to women (exclusively), the person in question is a lesbian. I personally don't get the emotional and sensual attractions some people speak of. I don't think I have ever felt emotional attraction in my life, only... Emotions. And those either build, depending on a situation, or are already very deep. It's a mystery to me. If this is going in the aromantic direction, then I of course understand what is meant. And in that case, again, of course that would be a lesbian. But I keep seeing asexuals using it and so I wonder.

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Lily34

Question: what is the difference between being emotionally attracted to someone and romantically attracted to someone?

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ithaca

Question: what is the difference between being emotionally attracted to someone and romantically attracted to someone?

"Emotions" include a more varied spectrum than "romantic love", I guess? Romantic is one kind of emotional, but there are others? I'm just trying to guess, to be honest, I'm not a huge fan of labels.

There certainly will be more homoromantic asexual girls/women who have joined AVEN since this thread sinked, right?

Welcome, y'all!

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Kanenas

Jesus Christ, do I hope so. I do an (in)voluntary fist pump every time I read "homoromantic".

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conchyjoe

I'm 55 and when none of my relationships were working out, mainly because I didn't want sex,I finally knew I was gay but then realised, while I would love to find a girlfriend, I really wouldn't want to have sex with her. So I'm definitely asexual lesbian! Would still love to date a woman but I've looked on a dating site and it seems all the lesbians are so into sex, that I just say forget it.

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henshin

How on earth have I missed this thread?

I'm homoromantic or gay or lesbian or queer - I don't really mind but enjoy queer because to me it incorporates both gender fluidity and also political leanings

I knew I was a lesbian in my early twenties but it took a while to figure out because the lack of sexual attraction thing threw me, like I had crushes and fell in love with other women in my teens but it didn't ever click that this meant I was gay. Didn't discover asexuality till a few years later and previously had just got frustrated trying to find a thing that described me in medical books or the DSM.

I'm out as gay to everyone except my grandparents and out as asexual to quite a few people, however don't feel the need to tell everyone as it doesn't seem that relevant unless you're gonna be in a relationship with me.

Have had numerous girlfriends in the past and am currently with a wonderful human being who is amazing and understanding whom I wish to spend the rest of my life with.

I hope this doesn't count as necroposting - the thread is still relatively fresh, and I thought it would be better to bump it up than to clutter the forum with another one with the same purpose.

I'm finding it pretty hard to find people that I can discuss freely with issues of asexuality, especially since for some reason in the LGBT community around here sex is DA THING. It's everywhere and if by chance it's not present in one conversation or other, it inevitably gets smuggled in. So reviving the thread hoping that there are like-minded folks around who'd like to chat.

On topic, with the OP's questions:

I'm homoromantic, definitely. Probably have some bi-streak that rears its head now and then, but I think it's almost always a result of a sapioromantic tendency overriding my usual preference. I'm walking the path steadily - first had to come to the realization that only girls do it for me, then to the next one, that 'do it for me' has a different meaning in my case than that of most lesbians around me. Both realisations weren't a surprise ... but I'm having more issues incorporating the a(grey)sexual part in my life than with the homoromantic part.

Noth completely out of either closet yetb -mostly because I tend to think that this is personal stuff that only the concerned parties are interested in. Hence only my closest circle of friends and family know that I'm homoromantic (who else should care anyway?), and only one of my friends I can discuss asexuality with, without them going all "oh, you just need to relax and try to enjoy it" on me.

Now that last part is what I'm having trouble with. Anyone in a homoromantic relationship with sexual that has dealt with the issue of sex with their partner? I'd really love to hear how it went for you - I'm still not sure how to address the issue best.

I've had two main partners since finding out about asexuality, the first person was pretty upset about despite me telling her before we got together. I don't think she really understood at the start but I took her to an asexual conference in London and it really started to bother her, like she wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with me if we never had sex again and it bothered her that I could walk away from sex with barely a backward glance.

I'm now in a great relationship, my partner is very aware and understanding of asexuality and takes a lot of care to never pressure me into sex. One of the benefits (I think) of being in relationships with other women is that sex is a lot of the time based on turn-taking, which means I can have sex with my partner without having to pretend I want sexual contact. My current parter also understands that while I genuinely enjoy sexing her, I don't feel the same way about it that she does.

I'm happy to answer any questions people have about asexual/sexual queer relationships if you have any :)

Hi all, GingerFloof here,

Just wanted to add my unique perspective on this thread. It's been interesting to read what some of you have to say. I definitely agree that some bi girls are best left out of the equation if you are looking for a stable relationship- I was once one and it was a transitional phase. But for me it transitioned into full-on lesbianism.

Unfortunately this conflicted with my religion. I'm LDS, or Mormon, if you prefer. I had trouble reconciling my religion with my sexuality until I realized that not all relationships have to be about sex. I'm wondering if any of you lovely ladies have had similar experiences with your religion vs. your sexuality?

Right now I'm just feeling lonely and left out of the relationship loop because I know I could never sexually satisfy a man, and yet my religious standards forbid me from engaging in sexual relations with a woman.

This sucks, is Mormonism something you can leave? I don't really understand why you would stay in a religion that dictated you couldn't be who you are but then I'm not religious so just generally don't get it.

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