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Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!

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thisismelissaaa

I don't identify as a lesbian but I am in a long term relationship with a lesbian (for the past almost 8 years). I guess if I had to identify as anything it would be the dreaded bisexual, but I've never actually called myself that. I have been in more relationships with men but I've had longer relationships with women, and this one is, hopefully, permanent because we got married last May. My friends and family automatically assume I am a lesbian because I'm in a relationship with one and I've never told them that I am asexual because I just know they wouldn't understand. They are all fairly open-minded people who were all perfectly fine with me dating another woman, but I can't imagine how they would react to the fact that I am asexual.

I realized I liked women when I was pretty young, around 12 or so. My first same-sex relationship was when I was 14. She was very sexually aggressive and that was when I really started realizing I didn't want a relationship that involved sex. She told me later in life, when I was in my 20s, that if I ever stopped having sex with her she would leave me. I had never talked with her about my feelings that I was asexual so it's like she was reading my mind that I was miserable.

I'm mostly posting this to let people know that you can find love with a person who isn't asexual. My relationship with my wife started out as a sexual one, but once I really figured myself out and talked to her about it she was so understanding and has never pressured me to be anyone I'm not. Our relationship has become much stronger now that sex isn't involved to mess everything up and create unnecessary drama. She is a very physical person so I know she doesn't like the fact that kissing repulses me, but we have made it work and it's honestly the best relationship I've ever had.

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significantlysilent

Are you asexual lesbian? Well yeah. I prefer "gay" though in comparison to "lesbian" as some others have mentioned.... Maybe issues with gender have effect in my case? It's interesting.
Are How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are lesbian and then asexual? The process.... Well asexuality I just researched to death as I knew I felt different than others with my perception of the world and romance. I honestly wondered if it was my anxiety/depression causing no sexual desire...but I still didn't have any while in better days either. Before I found AVEN, I didn't think I could ever "like" anyone. I was confused with thinking no sexual desire would automatically equal no romantic relationship. Mostly because I would think, who would want to be in a relationship without sex? I'm actually a demi-romantic, so even after I found out about asexuality I felt more aromantic until I actually kind of liked this girl, which I never allowed myself to even consider a liking for anyone before, so I shut any consideration fo feelings down at a younger age.
Are you yet not sure? I think I tend to be more "not sure" in a way. Anxiety tends to cause questioning on anything and everything these days, so
Have you come out of the closet as any of both? I came out as asexual to my imediate family (mainly to explain lack of desire for anyone, to get my mother to stop trying to say "you should date so-and-so" and something about how I will "change my mind" one day about both dating guys and having sex and children, and to help along with explaining why I was ordering binders from online and wearing them constantly, haha). I have not come out as gay, and really don't plan to unless it comes up in the heat of some argument and I happen to be dating someone at the time.
My family (mother and sister) in particular are those judgemental type of relgious people who think they are superior and know everything about the world. And of course, that all gays will go to hell in a split second. I have heard them both multiple times express dislike, hatred, superior-ness, and taunting towards anyone remotely resembling a classic "gay" appearance. And multiple times have bashed my gay friends, which arguements have never ended well. My mother has tauntingly made-fun of me in how I dress and appear (binders, male or neutral clothing, short hair)...this would just be another thing for her to taunt me about, and I don't plan on living near her in my future. So what they don't know, doesn't hurt them.

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Ciaran

I'm female-bodied and attracted to feminine women (I'm in the butch / femme scene) so, in a literal sense, I'm probably a "lesbian" but, for whatever reason, I recoil when labelled as "lesbian". Genuinely not certain why that is but it's always been the case ..... for me, I simply prefer to self-identify as "queer".

I've had many partners over the years and one long-term relationship (5 to 6 years) which ended a few years ago but we've remained really close friends since. There wasn't a sole reason why we split up but my asexuality was probably the single biggest factor. This caused my partner some hurt as she thought I wasn't attracted to her so it was a difficult time for both of us.

Whilst asexual, I have strong romantic yearnings and I also like to be intimate with my partner - just not in a sexual way.

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Starr

I'm female-bodied and attracted to feminine women (I'm in the butch / femme scene) so, in a literal sense, I'm probably a "lesbian" but, for whatever reason, I recoil when labelled as "lesbian". Genuinely not certain why that is but it's always been the case ..... for me, I simply prefer to self-identify as "queer".

I recoil when being called lesbian or bisexual as well.

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AnotherMember

Ok that's all, I'm changing the name of this thread :P.

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Starr

Ok that's all, I'm changing the name of this thread :P.

To what ....Asexy Chooc choco thead : Come get your cake here girlies ? thatsoundedlikeasalespitch

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AnotherMember

Ok that's all, I'm changing the name of this thread :P.

To what ....Asexy Chooc choco thead : Come get your cake here girlies ? thatsoundedlikeasalespitch

Hahahaha!! Maybe :blush: I'm needing help with this LOL :LOL: :Redface:

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Starr

Ok that's all, I'm changing the name of this thread :P.

To what ....Asexy Chooc choco thead : Come get your cake here girlies ? thatsoundedlikeasalespitch

Hahahaha!! Maybe :blush: I'm needing help with this LOL :lol: :redface:

Madame you don't have to change it lol.

It's not the name of the thread but I guess getting used to that title for me personally.

Being called that isn't something I'd lose sleep over :redface:

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ristvak

I will be perfectly honest that I tried to read this whole thread but got side-tracked by something shiny halfway through, so I'm just going to post and pay attention to whatever comes after me lol.

Also I am not currently drunk but I'm feeling ridiculously bouncy and immature so... just go with it. I'm not trying to play anything off lightly or offend anyone I'm just tired of being so dramatic lately.

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

*sobs* I don't know!!

But in all seriousness, most likely. It's probably the most honest label I could stick on myself.


How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

Ohhhh the process. I'll try to give the short version.

10th grade - got a boyfriend. Felt weird when he hugged me. Wasn't really hugged as a child. 'Traumatized' throughout middle school by constant tickling and poking. "I'll get used to it! =D" (Ended badly)

11th grade - found one of my good friends emotionally and physically appealing. Cue existential "do I like girls? Is it ok to like girls? WHAT HAPPENS IF I LIKE GIRLS?!" crisis. Later realized that hindsight is 20/20 and this was like my third crush on a girl and the world had NOT come to an end, so go with it. (Ended badly before it ever started)

First semester in college - started dating a girl. Never made the first move, never felt the need to make the first move. "It's because I'm inexperienced. I need more confidence! I don't know what I'm doing.... I'll get used to it! =D" (Ended on good terms- neither of us can remember why)

Around the same time I found a GLBT online forum (complete with dictionary!) and was like "so... I'm a panamorous asexual lesbian?" That made people go o_0? so I just went with lesbian/gay.

Cue more existential crisis. "I could probably do stuff with a girl... but what happens when she does stuff to me? What are you supposed to do? Lay there? Play with her hair? Read a book? I don't understand why anyone would enjoy this!"

This past year it finally occured to me that my crushes on guys and girls were pretty much the same. True I find women attractive, not so much men (and men can actually downright freak me out i.e. WHY DOES THE MUSCLE LEADING TO THE WAISTBAND OF YOUR PANTS DO THAT STOP IT!) But emotionally... yeah I see no real difference.

New Year's this year I started dating a good guy friend. I was upfront that I had NO idea how far I could go with guys. We cuddled, we hugged, we kissed. Actually the day we kissed I spent the majority of our time together going "You need to ask him how fast he's expecting this to go. You always fail at relationships because you don't move fast enough, so find out what his expectations are!" And then he kissed me and it was like "oh, that far already? Ok then *smoochy smoochy*" A few weeks passed and he decided he wasn't comfortable 'being an experiment' and we should take a break until 'we both figured out what we wanted'.

We've hung out several times since then and the subject of 'me figuring out what I want' has been brought up him several times. It finally just pushed me to a point of "You know what?! I do know what I want! So =P"


Are you yet not sure?

I have decided that I have not ruled anyone out. Do I find women physically attractive? Yes. Am I capable of non-sexual physical interaction with men? Yes. Do I feel the need to have sex with either? No. Will I enjoy sex with either? Iunno.

(Can anyone really know if they'll enjoy sex before they try it? I didn't know I liked to eat salmon until I tried it. I didn't know I didn't like mushrooms until I tried them either. Granted food is not exactly a fundamental preference like sexuality but people are always saying sexuality is fluid and, quite frankly, so are my food interests! There was a time I didn't like hamburgers or milk either but those are staples of my diet now.)


Have you come out of the close as any of both?

As a lesbian- only to close friends. As asexual- just to you guys and one close friend in real life. But my epiphany hit the tail end of last week and over the weekend so I haven't really had the opprotunity to either lol. On the one hand I don't feel the need to go "Hi, my name is Suzanne and I'm asexual! May I take your order?" but on the other I feel like anyone who might be interetested in having a relationship with me should know my feelings on physical actions upfront.

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jadeforshort

I was recommended to come check out this thread so here I am :P

I personally call myself an asexy lesbian because homo-romantic doesn't really fit for me. I'm very attracted to women physically. I'm a very visual person so to like someone's face is a must. I like to cuddle and kiss and be close to people. I don't really have a sex drive, and I don't like to be touched in that way, but I've only ever dated non-asexuals so I'm used to engaging in sexual things with them, and I'm totally fine with that, it doesn't bother me, but it is quite dull for me :P I first knew I was a lesbian from a young age, and around the teen years I realised I didn't feel attraction in the same way my friends did. I am fully out as lesbian to the world, but only a few friends (and my exes) know about my asexuality. I'm not sure about all the different terms like grey-ace and such, so I just say asexy lesbian and if anyone has any questions about it then I tell them :)

xx

EDIT: I should also add that I don't particularly like the term lesbian as it implies you only like cisfemales, and while I haven't met many non-cis people I have been attracted to a transwoman before, so I think I'm just attracted to whomever I like, which happens to be no men besides Ryan Gosling :P so I still call myself lesbian out of ease

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NutNut

I am a woman that falls in love with women and has absolutely no desire for sexual relationships. I have no issue with the term lesbian or gay but my skin crawls when I hear the words dyke or queer directed at me.

I discovered my appreciation for women when I was about 13 years old after developing a strong romantic crush on one of my older brothers female friends. As for the total lack of sexual desire I have always known that I had no interest but didn't have a name for it until i was in my 20's.

I am 100% sure of what I am and what I do or do not like. It is actually one of the few things I feel in control of.

As for the closet,.. I am not sure I ever really had a coming out 'moment' but somehow everybody knows and nobody cares.

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desha


Super confusing because I realized I was into chicks before I realized I was also asexual. I knew I went gaga for girls but not in the same way other lesbians did and I couldn't wrap my head around it. It took me a couple years to realize I was a romantic asexual who's got a preference for ladies. Now the only obstacle left to tackle is finding someone out there who fits, which is proving to be super difficult.




I feel the same way!! :)
Edited by ratherdrinktea
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maryb

Ok, so heres my issue. Watching a documentory on this issue, the gay and lesbian issue keeps coming up. I am having some problem with this. If you look back as far as the early 1900's gay men and women have been hated, beaten, killed, denied rights, protested against, and the lsit goes on. How can these two ever be compared. I accept all for who they are. If you have no sexual desire and are not attracted to anyone how can you compar to the gay and lesbian community. Our battles are about sexuality because of sexuality. In all reality i am sure that most gay and lesbian people would rather be asexual. And maybe if some get honest, thats y u consider yourself asexual. The gay and lesbain community is clearly never going to judge on sexuality or lack of. My question is.. when u are marching and doing these things what is it you are fighting for. And if you have no sexuality how can u be gay or lesbain. Again, i am not judging. But the issue for our community is not comparable.

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Perfect Blue Buildings

@ maryb: I'm absolutely honest when I say I'm asexual. I agree that there might be people in denial about being homosexual, but they could just as well convince themselves that they are heterosexual, since that option would receive so much more support from society in general.

How do I know that I am homoromantic if I'm not sexual? Because I like women. I like the way they look, the way they behave, I prefer spending time with them to spending time with men, I fall in love with them and want to spend time with them, I get jealous when they have a boyfriend and sad when they don't like me back. But I don't want to sleep with them. And I want this to be a legitimate orientation.

So in answer to your question, I would fight for asexuals to have the right to say that this is what we want without anyone trying to convince us that we must be repressed, in denial, broken, traumatized, abnormal, and in need of being fixed. I realize that this is more psychological pressure, and not comparable to the acts of violence that homosexuals have faced, but this does not mean that it is impossible to be a homoromantic asexual.

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Cimmerian

Are you an asexual lesbian?

I'm a bi/pan/poly-romantic asexual female, with a strong preference for women.


How was the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are lesbian and then asexual?

I found out that I was bisexual (the best label I found at the time) years before I figured out that I was asexual. I went through books, and as much extra material about orientation as I could get my hands on without being too obvious at the time. I didn't completely feel like I could trust my own perceptions at the time, and wondered if I was making too much out of these feelings for this girl, since I couldn't find any inclination of liking females romantically before that.

As I was hammering all my final thoughts of liking girls I ended up in a long-distance pen-pal/dating relationship of sorts with a different girl, and realized that I could picture myself with females so much more easily than males, and it just feels so much more natural and right.

Have you come out of the closet as any of both?

Only my closest friends know that I am not "straight", prefer my own gender usually, and that I am asexual. The first time I was trying to tell anyone that I liked girls I physically couldn't get myself to say it, despite knowing that the person I was telling would be completely supportive of me. I had to write it down, and was shaking.

I can talk about my asexuality to people I don't know more easily than I can my romantic orientation. It's still not widely accepted to not be straight in the US... and although I know it's okay to be I'm not up for defending who I am to people.

Many (if not most) bisexual females seem to prefer men, to some degree. Which isn't unexpected, and it's perfectly fine. It does make me, personally, warier of dating girls who identify as bi, however.


That's true, I have noticed that as well. My friend from highshcool identifies as Bi but she is crazy over boys way more than girls.
I'd think I'd be warier as well.

I'm disappointed to see that view of bi's being so prevalent. Although I knew several girls years ago who pretended to be bi in order to attract guys, I don't think it's that most bi females prefer men so much as it's more widely acceptable to be with a male, and at least around here more girls get asked on dates by males than they do girls.

I'm wondering how many homoromantic asexuals had a hard time accepting their romantic orientation. Was it easier to accept you were asexual, or that you were gay (as in homoromantic)? Was it easy/hard the same way?

I definitely had a hard time accepting my romantic orientation. It never occurred to me before my first romantic attraction to a girl, that I might like women, and when I became so enamored with one I was constantly doubting myself; trying to figure out if what I was feeling was just a strong desire for friendship type of tie, or something more. And knowing how my family and country seem to feel towards gay/lesbians didn't help much. I struggled with it a lot.

It was much easier for me to accept that I was asexual. There isn't just a strong outward prejudice against it, if only because it isn't widely discussed and although I sometimes get looked at as if I am crazy for not being sex-obsessed I didn't have the mental block with asexuality that I did with my romantic orientation. It fit with everything I felt and didn't leave much, if anything for me to question unlike with the romance side.

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ithaca

Thanks, Serylli, I can relate to many of the feelings you express. Thanks to everyone who's posting here, actually.

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Coleslaw

Ok, so heres my issue. Watching a documentory on this issue, the gay and lesbian issue keeps coming up. I am having some problem with this. If you look back as far as the early 1900's gay men and women have been hated, beaten, killed, denied rights, protested against, and the lsit goes on. How can these two ever be compared. I accept all for who they are. If you have no sexual desire and are not attracted to anyone how can you compar to the gay and lesbian community. Our battles are about sexuality because of sexuality. In all reality i am sure that most gay and lesbian people would rather be asexual. And maybe if some get honest, thats y u consider yourself asexual. The gay and lesbain community is clearly never going to judge on sexuality or lack of. My question is.. when u are marching and doing these things what is it you are fighting for. And if you have no sexuality how can u be gay or lesbain. Again, i am not judging. But the issue for our community is not comparable.

The issues for our community are not directly comparable, you're absolutely right. We weren't targeted and systematically found out and then killed. And most asexual people would stand here and say exactly that--our issues are not directly comparable.

But it's not a direct comparison that affects why we align with other sexual minorities. It's the fact that, when I come out as asexual to everyone from my family to my friends to my coworkers, I am met with disbelief, with suggestions on how to be fixed, with questions about whether or not my genitalia are functioning optimally, etc. It's wonderful that you do not judge, but in my experience, you are a minority and not the majority.

I'll go so far as to take this a step further than just my personal experience. Over the last 3-5 years, the media has been reporting on the alarming number of suicides by LGBT youth (aged 12-24). These suicides are, more often than not, the result of bullying by others. When I came out, I wasn't directly called names. I was, however, bullied. Every time someone used "virgin" as a derogatory term, they targeted me. Every time someone used having sex as the ultimate experience in a relationship, they made me a second class partner. And to this day, whenever someone tries to be an armchair psychologist and fix my asexuality, they reinforce this idea that not being a raging heterosexual makes you less than them.

Asexual people weren't killed off. We're not being targeted by most legislatures and religions. But we're also not blindly accepted. When I march in parades, I march for visibility and education. I march so that, the next time I come out, maybe the person I come out to simply says, "Oh, cool. Thanks for telling me." I march because I want to help youth who ARE being bullied about their sexual orientation--whatever that orientation may be--see that you can grow up and live an open, happy, successful life.

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Great Thief Yatagarasu

Can I maybe ask something a little controversial here?

My question is, if a lesbian refers to HERSELF as a dyke, then is it okay to refer to her as a dyke as well? Both of my close lesbian friends call themselves dykes rather than lesbians (I actually found out that one of them was a lesbian when I noticed her necklace that had the word "dyke" written on it), and because they use it so often when talking about themselves, I often find myself using it to refer to them (no-one else, though - I'd never call a lesbian a dyke if I wasn't sure she was okay with that). But I've had people immediately mention that the word makes them feel uneasy and that I should never ever refer to a lesbian as a dyke (this is mostly coming from guys, by the way). So is it okay, or should I stop? It's a touchy subject, I know, but I want to prevent myself from making any missteps in the future.

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ithaca

What is the meaning of dyke, and I mean both literal and perceived?

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AnotherMember

Can I maybe ask something a little controversial here?

My question is, if a lesbian refers to HERSELF as a dyke, then is it okay to refer to her as a dyke as well? Both of my close lesbian friends call themselves dykes rather than lesbians (I actually found out that one of them was a lesbian when I noticed her necklace that had the word "dyke" written on it), and because they use it so often when talking about themselves, I often find myself using it to refer to them (no-one else, though - I'd never call a lesbian a dyke if I wasn't sure she was okay with that). But I've had people immediately mention that the word makes them feel uneasy and that I should never ever refer to a lesbian as a dyke (this is mostly coming from guys, by the way). So is it okay, or should I stop? It's a touchy subject, I know, but I want to prevent myself from making any missteps in the future.

I don't even know what the word dyke it's :blush: lol. But I guess we all are here to discuss, it's good to be a little controversial sometimes :P.

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Cimmerian

Can I maybe ask something a little controversial here?

My question is, if a lesbian refers to HERSELF as a dyke, then is it okay to refer to her as a dyke as well? Both of my close lesbian friends call themselves dykes rather than lesbians (I actually found out that one of them was a lesbian when I noticed her necklace that had the word "dyke" written on it), and because they use it so often when talking about themselves, I often find myself using it to refer to them (no-one else, though - I'd never call a lesbian a dyke if I wasn't sure she was okay with that). But I've had people immediately mention that the word makes them feel uneasy and that I should never ever refer to a lesbian as a dyke (this is mostly coming from guys, by the way). So is it okay, or should I stop? It's a touchy subject, I know, but I want to prevent myself from making any missteps in the future.

If she calls herself that, then I think it's fine. To me, it's gone into the same category as butch, femme, and other terms for lesbians; if they use it to describe themselves then it's okay.

It's not a term I particularly like, but I don't find it insulting, and the word has started to fit a stereotyping image so it's useful at times. I have a friend who I'm pretty sure used it for herself, and I can't see describing her with any other word because it just fit.

If someone is uncomfortable with it, then I'd explain that it's how she identifies and that's why I use the term, but I also don't see anything wrong with using another term, if you are continuing a conversation about your friend with someone who is genuinely uncomfortable with the term your friend uses to self-identify. I see both sides so I'd say just go with your instinct about it.

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maryb

@ maryb: I'm absolutely honest when I say I'm asexual. I agree that there might be people in denial about being homosexual, but they could just as well convince themselves that they are heterosexual, since that option would receive so much more support from society in general.

How do I know that I am homoromantic if I'm not sexual? Because I like women. I like the way they look, the way they behave, I prefer spending time with them to spending time with men, I fall in love with them and want to spend time with them, I get jealous when they have a boyfriend and sad when they don't like me back. But I don't want to sleep with them. And I want this to be a legitimate orientation.

So in answer to your question, I would fight for asexuals to have the right to say that this is what we want without anyone trying to convince us that we must be repressed, in denial, broken, traumatized, abnormal, and in need of being fixed. I realize that this is more psychological pressure, and not comparable to the acts of violence that homosexuals have faced, but this does not mean that it is impossible to be a homoromantic asexual.

Ok, so heres my issue. Watching a documentory on this issue, the gay and lesbian issue keeps coming up. I am having some problem with this. If you look back as far as the early 1900's gay men and women have been hated, beaten, killed, denied rights, protested against, and the lsit goes on. How can these two ever be compared. I accept all for who they are. If you have no sexual desire and are not attracted to anyone how can you compar to the gay and lesbian community. Our battles are about sexuality because of sexuality. In all reality i am sure that most gay and lesbian people would rather be asexual. And maybe if some get honest, thats y u consider yourself asexual. The gay and lesbain community is clearly never going to judge on sexuality or lack of. My question is.. when u are marching and doing these things what is it you are fighting for. And if you have no sexuality how can u be gay or lesbain. Again, i am not judging. But the issue for our community is not comparable.

The issues for our community are not directly comparable, you're absolutely right. We weren't targeted and systematically found out and then killed. And most asexual people would stand here and say exactly that--our issues are not directly comparable.

But it's not a direct comparison that affects why we align with other sexual minorities. It's the fact that, when I come out as asexual to everyone from my family to my friends to my coworkers, I am met with disbelief, with suggestions on how to be fixed, with questions about whether or not my genitalia are functioning optimally, etc. It's wonderful that you do not judge, but in my experience, you are a minority and not the majority.

I'll go so far as to take this a step further than just my personal experience. Over the last 3-5 years, the media has been reporting on the alarming number of suicides by LGBT youth (aged 12-24). These suicides are, more often than not, the result of bullying by others. When I came out, I wasn't directly called names. I was, however, bullied. Every time someone used "virgin" as a derogatory term, they targeted me. Every time someone used having sex as the ultimate experience in a relationship, they made me a second class partner. And to this day, whenever someone tries to be an armchair psychologist and fix my asexuality, they reinforce this idea that not being a raging heterosexual makes you less than them.

Asexual people weren't killed off. We're not being targeted by most legislatures and religions. But we're also not blindly accepted. When I march in parades, I march for visibility and education. I march so that, the next time I come out, maybe the person I come out to simply says, "Oh, cool. Thanks for telling me." I march because I want to help youth who ARE being bullied about their sexual orientation--whatever that orientation may be--see that you can grow up and live an open, happy, successful life.

Ok, thanks ladies for ur points. I have gone threw my periods where i had no sex drive or neone person i was attracted to. I understand what u guys are saying. i cant relate but hey.. I def understand how if feels when someone wants to fix u or tell u its ne thing other than what it is plain and simple. I guess all im gonna say is when u meet that woman.. That one woman u look at and almost have to look away becuz she is so beautiful. That one woman that u know ud die for.. That soul mate that god has placed in ur life.. Do not limit urself in that area. U never know. I know I am a lesbian. However i have dated men. alot actually. but heres what i am saying. If i were to meet a man one day that i connected with and had feelings for i would not let nething limit the possibilities. My happiness comes first. just always stay open. In no way dont let neone tell u what or who u should be. No matter who u are be proud. Keep ur head up high but leave the chains off. I hate lables for that reason. i do not refer to myself as a lesbian.. butch and all. I consider myself a child of god. another person in this world who is just trying the best i can.. good look to u all.

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Coleslaw

I don't limit myself with labels; I know some people do and some people even find happiness that way, but that's not the case for me. My identity isn't a box that I stay trapped inside. The word "asexual" was the first step in a long journey for me in figuring out who I am, how I define attraction, what love and a meaningful relationship look like, and how I can now relate to others. Over my 7 years here, my identity has evolved in a way that I can comfortable explain at length to those who are curious about it, but it is still most easily summarized by me saying I'm asexual.

And, we all have that woman who we can't stare at too long because she's too pretty. Like pretty much every lady in Doctor Who. Billie Piper, Alex Kingston, Karen Gillian... You gals must be Weeping Angels, because I can't take my eyes off you.

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LittleTree481

This thread is AWESOME!!! I consider myself an asexual lesbian. I don't like anything with 'homo' in it because people use it with such disdain, especially, homosexual. That word angers me like nothing else. :)

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98slbrookes98
I identify as an asexual lesbian yes but I usually tend to say that I love women and confide the asexual half to those I am close to.

I knew I loved females right from a young age - around 9/10. I had crushes on female teachers and then an unrequited love for my straight best friend for years. After I finally moved on fromher, I had on and off internet dates with other women and in Second Life under my male avatar I was in unrequited love with a best friend for over two years, found a girlfriend, dated her for months, we drifted apart and I ended things and then started dating a new girl whom in Second Life I am very much in love with.

I knew I wasn't interested in sex with anyyone from about the age of 9 or 10 as well but I didn't discover the term asexual until I read it in the newspaper at seventeen and then researched it.

Wow! I'm pretty new to this site, but I can relate. I had crushes with teachers pretty much my entire life. And then in my twenties, there were the unrequited love relationships with my besties that put me into therapy. Very upsetting. Therapists would say that I was gay emotionally, but straight sexually due to fantasies that actually had to do with sex in general and not about a guy. In any case, I thought I was asexual 10 years ago during my first heartbreak, but the therapist said there were no such things. Then with my second therapist, she said I wasn't asexual because I had fantasies. Needless to say, I was so excited to hear about asexuality even 10 years ago, but the therapists ended up confusing me all over again!

I do fall in love with women, mostly those who are a bit older (that teacher type), but I don't desire having sex with them so I don't identify as a lesbian. I love the term homoromantic and wonder how to go about finding people in my area who are like me. I remember being young wondering when I would grow out of wanting to be the love of my teachers' lives. I would date men and break it off when it started getting sexual, and I never felt emotional towards them. Mostly, I would complain about them wanting too much of my time. With women, on the other hand, that I would fall in love with, I couldn't get enough and would be jealous of their interest in the opposite sex. I would always try to explain how I could be in love without wanting sex and never understood why sex kept the ones I loved so much from wanting me. Now I get it all :)

Nice to hear you have found love :)

Hi,

Don't worry about what your therapists say - just go by what you feel which sounds like homoromantic asexual.

Yes I too am glad that I have a girlfriend in Second Life - sadly I don't see much of her since she has been ill. In real life I'm single. That might change if I meet the right girl in rl but generally I wat to enjoy the freedom and independence of my singlehood. Once full time work starts monopolising my life I'll be desperate to get a place of my own so I can be alone 24/7 - at least for a while - I've been living with my mum all my life and while I do occasionally enjoy watchimng films with her it sort of takes away the freedom I'd have of being by myself so I can't wait to pull away.

Lizzie.

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98slbrookes98

@ maryb: I'm absolutely honest when I say I'm asexual. I agree that there might be people in denial about being homosexual, but they could just as well convince themselves that they are heterosexual, since that option would receive so much more support from society in general.

How do I know that I am homoromantic if I'm not sexual? Because I like women. I like the way they look, the way they behave, I prefer spending time with them to spending time with men, I fall in love with them and want to spend time with them, I get jealous when they have a boyfriend and sad when they don't like me back. But I don't want to sleep with them. And I want this to be a legitimate orientation.

So in answer to your question, I would fight for asexuals to have the right to say that this is what we want without anyone trying to convince us that we must be repressed, in denial, broken, traumatized, abnormal, and in need of being fixed. I realize that this is more psychological pressure, and not comparable to the acts of violence that homosexuals have faced, but this does not mean that it is impossible to be a homoromantic asexual.

This is true of me too except I don't feel much jealousy. Having been in unrequited love at least twice in my life I have tended to be generous rather than jealous - I once expressed my feelings by saying that the guy was the luckiest guy in the world and I would always be the girl's best friend for example.

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Perfect Blue Buildings

@ maryb: I'm absolutely honest when I say I'm asexual. I agree that there might be people in denial about being homosexual, but they could just as well convince themselves that they are heterosexual, since that option would receive so much more support from society in general.

How do I know that I am homoromantic if I'm not sexual? Because I like women. I like the way they look, the way they behave, I prefer spending time with them to spending time with men, I fall in love with them and want to spend time with them, I get jealous when they have a boyfriend and sad when they don't like me back. But I don't want to sleep with them. And I want this to be a legitimate orientation.

So in answer to your question, I would fight for asexuals to have the right to say that this is what we want without anyone trying to convince us that we must be repressed, in denial, broken, traumatized, abnormal, and in need of being fixed. I realize that this is more psychological pressure, and not comparable to the acts of violence that homosexuals have faced, but this does not mean that it is impossible to be a homoromantic asexual.

This is true of me too except I don't feel much jealousy. Having been in unrequited love at least twice in my life I have tended to be generous rather than jealous - I once expressed my feelings by saying that the guy was the luckiest guy in the world and I would always be the girl's best friend for example.

I'm not a super jealous person, so generally, it never gets very bad; it was more of a problem for me when a girl I really liked dated a guy that was extremely condescending and kept treating her like his little wifey. I couldn't really be happy for her in that situation, and it just came down to an overwhelming "Why not me instead of him??? I'd be so much nicer!" (which, now that I'm thinking about it, might be closer to despair that actual jealousy). I definitely agree with trying to be generous! :)

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cdrdash

Well, it took me a while to find this thread. I have been roosting over in the 50+ thread in the older asexuals forum more often then not the past year. I have been identifying as an asexual lesbian on AVEN since I joined in 2005. I also tune into the asexual lesbian forum that carsonspire mentioned. I'm one of the more vocal members there and I keep plugging away at the forum hoping it will become more active. So far, its still fairly quiet.

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I label myself as asexual lesbian rather than homo-romantic asexual for one sorta silly reason. I like it that asexual lesbian reveals my gender. With homo-romantic, I have to describe myself as a homo-romantic asexual woman (3 words vs 2 words ... see I told you it was silly) to get my gender across.


How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

In my teens and 20's I just assumed I was heterosexual and a late bloomer and I was fine with that. I figured when I went off to college and I got involved with the "right" man, everything would click and I would love him and want to have sex with him and enjoy the sex. Didn't happen. Then as I was approaching 30 and not exceedingly happy with my life, I started to look back at the times I was happy and all of them were when I was hanging out with women. I saw an ad in the paper for a group called the Palo Alto Lesbian Rap group (note this group was founded back in the day where "rap" meant discussion not a way of entertaining) and made my way there and felt so comfortable in the group, that I felt sure I was a lesbian. Soon I was coming out to my family as a lesbian and all seemed good with the world. Then over the next 12 years or so, I was a single lesbian. In those 12 years, I sorely wanted a relationship but I never felt any remorse or sadness over not having sex. I sorta knew that I didn't want to have sex but I continued to assume that if I met the right woman, I would want to have sex with her. I finally did get into a relationship and it was a rocky one and we were wide apart on our feelings about sex. It was this relationship that sort of sealed the deal that I really was an asexual lesbian. I started identifying that way for sure in 2008. From 2005 to 2008, I thought I was probably asexual lesbian but I wasn't quite ready to say it with authority yet!

Have you come out of the close as any of both?

I'm definitely out of the closet as an asexual lesbian and have been since 2008.

Cathy

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CaptainObliviace

Can I hijack this thread for a moment? I have a question.

I identify as bi/panromantic. I think I've only really come to accept that I have romantic attraction towards other girls. Recently (about the past 2 weeks or so) I've really desired to find a girlfriend. I haven't been in a relationship in years and have been fine with it, but all of a sudden I want to find a girl I really connect with and could be in a relationship with. It's a really strong desire, and I was wondering if maybe that's because I realized and accepted my attraction to girls? Has that happened to anyone else? I'm pretty sure I lean more towards liking girls than guys, though I am romantically attracted to both, and maybe this intense desire is because I've accepted that?

Sorry to get off the original questions here, I was just wondering if anyone experienced anything familiar. :D

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Eos

I'm a lesbian and...I guess a nervous asexual. Still pretty new to this whole thing so I'm still feeling myself out. But I've identified as gay in some way (went through a few other labels) for about nine years. Figuring out the possible asexual part came from being a "late bloomer" in terms of sexual relations with partners in high school, not being all that interested in sex up until that point, then losing interest again a few years into my longest relationship. Now, I want a relationship with a ladyfriend with the same level of intimacy, without the sex. It's...complicated.

As for being out with either: I'm nearly completely out as a lesbian--my job knows (hell, it helped me get hired actually), school knows, my friends and part of my family knows. My mother knows and likes to pretend she doesn't. I talked to a friend of mine about my possibly being asexual, since he's the only person I know who's even mentioned it, let alone spoke positively on it and from personal experiences.

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