Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!

[uniQChick]

Shout for joy!!! 

[Rainy Robin]

I've been reading through this thread and found some interesting things about comphet, which makes me wonder how everybody who identifies as lesbian + on the asexual spectrum figured out they were homoromantic / lesbian and not another romantic orientation. I guess my question is really, how did everybody distinguish their romantic orientation from the effect that compulsory heterosexuality might have had on them?

 

Since reading about comphet I've been questioning if I'm actually biromantic (mainly because I think I've only felt romantic attraction towards women even though I've identified as biromantic for awhile) because I didn't think about how comphet might have influenced how I've viewed my feelings towards men in the past. What are your experiences with this? 

[crazy ace]

@Rainy_Robin

For me, I hadn't even considered homo/bi/panromanticism a possibility until the age of I think around 13, but at that point, I started to look back and see events that were evidential of my panromanticism, or, as I thought until recently learning of asexuality, bisexuality. I'd go as far as to suggest the existence of "compsex" (not meaning compromise sex, but compulsory sexuality.)

[DarkStormyKnight]

Yeah I've been questioning my pan/bi-ness since I found out about comp het since I've known that I have a preference for girls for a while and it's been ages since I've been attracted to men... But I know that I also have a tendency to try and repress my attraction to men since men are trash and that's no good either. Basically I haven't figured it out either and I'm trying to just work on accepting myself no matter what it turns out to be haha!

[Rainy Robin]

On 7/8/2020 at 3:23 PM, crazy ace said:

@Rainy_Robin

For me, I hadn't even considered homo/bi/panromanticism a possibility until the age of I think around 13, but at that point, I started to look back and see events that were evidential of my panromanticism, or, as I thought until recently learning of asexuality, bisexuality. I'd go as far as to suggest the existence of "compsex" (not meaning compromise sex, but compulsory sexuality.)

That's a good point! I haven't found a word that exactly means how you're defining "compsex," but I agree that it is a useful concept especially because it is a little more inclusive of other romantic and sexual orientations than just heterosexuality with the term "compulsory heterosexuality."

 

15 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

Yeah I've been questioning my pan/bi-ness since I found out about comp het since I've known that I have a preference for girls for a while and it's been ages since I've been attracted to men... But I know that I also have a tendency to try and repress my attraction to men since men are trash and that's no good either. Basically I haven't figured it out either and I'm trying to just work on accepting myself no matter what it turns out to be haha!

XD Yeah, I totally get this. It's so true about accepting yourself no matter what label you choose or don't choose to identify with. I keep putting too much pressure on myself to "find the right label," when it's perfectly fine to not know everything or to choose to not identify with labels!

[Jea]

On 7/17/2020 at 4:00 PM, StrangeDruid said:

I've always identified as aromantic, but I'm starting to wonder if I have a slight homoromantic streak that I just never noticed before.

I had to double-check that that comment wasn't by me, because I wrote the same sentence somewhere else yesterday 100% relate to this

[SearchingScribe]

On 2/11/2020 at 7:26 AM, Dreamsofemerald said:

Just gonna bump this thread.  after ANOTHER failed relationship with an allo female who just couldn’t understand though I wasn’t ‘against sex’ I just didn’t desire it very much and who still took that I didn’t ‘initiate’ it personally and used it as a personal attack against me, I am just so done with allosexuals. Especially the emotionally abusive ones which I seem to pick.

i want the romance. I want to feel cherished and hugged and be kissed and held I just don’t want to have to basically be told I have to have or to initiate sex to validate my relationship. Like damn I compromised, but it wasn’t enough. 
Seriously why can’t I just find someone in this country of the same gender who is ok with the asexual thing!?? But also wants the romance thing? I’m just so done.

 

sorry, rant over. I don’t want to be alone. I’m just feeling like I’ll never find anyone. 

Hey there, I completely understand wanting to be loved/cherished, w/o the sexual stuff. I'm so sorry about what you've gone through. Know that there are a lot of people on this thread who would be willing to be in such a relationship.

 

I have to say that a couple years ago I curiously got on a lesbian dating app, and found an ace girl, and I thought it would work out. She was super sweet and we had a lot in common, but I just felt like I was forcing this whole relationship thing, she wanted to get together all the time and I didn't. I've realized that I would much rather meet someone in person than online--it takes me time to develop a friendship, and seeing the person in real life makes a big difference. So even when I found a girl who was ace (and she wanted to be with me), I didn't want to be with her. It was very distressing. I thought I wanted a relationship like that, but I didn't...with her. There's another girl who I've met in person, who I'd definitely try a relationship with, but she lives half a world away and is married, so she's out of the picture. Regardless, this whole thing is a struggle. Sorry, don't mean to be discouraging to anyone.

 

I could see myself ending up married to a man, just because it would be easier to get in that situation! But I sort of hope not. I don't know what I want anymore, except a companion, a life partner, someone to cuddle with.

Edited August 5, 2020 by SearchingScribe

[gemrisingbitch]

Happy Lesbian Day! I am bi/ply and grey-ace but support y'all.

[Jea]

I think I'm probably a gray-homoromantic or demi-homoromantic ace, but I still identify as a lesbian, kinda, cause regardless of how long it takes me to feel attraction and the kind of attraction, ultimately, I like girls! I use the term wlw online to make it unambiguous for those who think lesbian and asexual are mutually exclusive, but I'm currently happy with having figured that out (at least partly).

[Jea]

On 9/27/2020 at 4:09 AM, StrangeDruid said:

Question for aces in homoromantic relationships - how did you meet your current girlfriend/partner? It seems like the dating pool for asexuals is pretty small (assuming you want to be in a relationship with another asexual person and not in a mixed one), and a vast majority of the aces I know are heteroromantic. Homoromantic asexuals seem relatively uncommon.

I would also be curious to know how relationships form within this minority. Dating apps?

 

I'm imagining the proportion of hetero/homo romantics within asexuals is the same as the proportion of hetero/homo sexuals among the general population.

[Margo Janus]

Hi, guys! I'm new here, and I'm an ace lesbian. 

[Margo Janus]

How have any of you come out to people as ace lesbians? Cause with some people I could just tell them, but with others I feel like it has to be a whole thing...

[Margo Janus]

I need some advice. Do any of you know how to... I guess ask, or approach a girl to ask if she likes girls? Cause I met this girl last night and she is so cool! She's funny, loves marching band as much as I do, we both like spinning (she likes spinning batons, or poles, and I like spinning flag and rifle), she was a drum major in high school, and we talked for nearly an hour! A whole hour! And when it was quiet, it wasn't really awkward. She's so awesome, and I want to get to know her better and maybe have a potential relationship with her in the future, but I don't know if she likes girls... And what makes it hard is we're both going to this religious school, where some people might not be as open about things like this or as accepting... I got her number, though

[crazy ace]

42 minutes ago, Margo Janus said:

I need some advice. Do any of you know how to... I guess ask, or approach a girl to ask if she likes girls? Cause I met this girl last night and she is so cool! She's funny, loves marching band as much as I do, we both like spinning (she likes spinning batons, or poles, and I like spinning flag and rifle), she was a drum major in high school, and we talked for nearly an hour! A whole hour! And when it was quiet, it wasn't really awkward. She's so awesome, and I want to get to know her better and maybe have a potential relationship with her in the future, but I don't know if she likes girls... And what makes it hard is we're both going to this religious school, where some people might not be as open about things like this or as accepting... I got her number, though

You could try talking to her about LGBTQ people... If she's ok with them, then you could ask her if she's same-gender attracted, because she probably won't try to hurt you if she's ok with LGBTQ people, in the case of her being straight.

[Margo Janus]

10 hours ago, crazy ace said:

You could try talking to her about LGBTQ people... If she's ok with them, then you could ask her if she's same-gender attracted, because she probably won't try to hurt you if she's ok with LGBTQ people, in the case of her being straight.

Oh, okay. Thanks for the advice!

[LetzLill]

Hi, I came out as bisexual in 8th grade when I was 12. Since then I’ve had 2 boyfriends, but after my last relationship I’ve started thinking that I might be lesbian. Girls have always been more aesthetically attractive to me and for the most part all of my close friends are female. I’m also squishing on my straight best friend right now which isn't fun  ☹️
I came out as asexual about 3 weeks ago but I’ve been thinking about it for almost a year. 

[AnnaPanni]

Hi! Nice to meet you!

 

I was always a black sheep (problems with socialising, suspicion of

Asperger-syndrome) and was considered of a weirdo of some sort (resulted in massive bullying).

When I was 12(ish) I was completely sure I was a lesbian, and I tryed 

acting like one (at least as I thought lesbians looked, behaved, and so on).  But now as I look 

back to it it feels more like a rebellious phase. 

 

Today I'm really not sure. As I'm coming closer to 20, I have more and more questions

about all this that is going on with me menthally.

I started to dress more girly (this is a recent change) and I became interested in relationships.

 

The people around me accept and love me (mom and my great-gran especially

(who is a bigotec racist, but a good person, wow...)), but somehow it feels I'm alone.

 

Could it be that I"m just rebellious, and/or not asexual at all? I'm so counfused

about this😓 Or could this be that I'm trying to fit in? Did you have a phase like this?

What do you think causes it?

 

Thank you for your answers in advance  ❤️

 

 

 

 

[ClaryFray1984]

I have a genuine question. Have you always known you were homoromantic/asexual or did you experiment for want of a better word. No insult intended. It's a genuine ask.

[AnnaPanni]

Don't worry, it's not offensive or insultive.

 

I always knew I was attracted to girls 

[ClaryFray1984]

Thank you for answering. I'm just thinking a lot at the mo.

[ClaryFray1984]

So I know I'm ace as I'm very much sex repulsed but I'm not sure if I'm biromantic. I think tomboys are gorgeous but not sure  if that means anything really. At my age you'd think I'd have things figured out.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I think the question is whether or not you'd like to be in a romantic relationship with someone of the same sex/gender.


My experience is different because I'm trans, but I was only attracted to girls for quite a while, so that would make me homoromantic, but over time I felt like there could be something special with a guy, maybe because of falling into my gender more, and then finally I realized I could be in a relationship with them, and then in the last year with any gender, since personality is more important, and how we connect. So I definitely see myself as biromantic. I still have a preference for women I think, but I'm just a romantic person in general.

[Carsonspire]

I'd be curious who here has struggled much with internalized homophobia and how you have dealt with it?

[s.catharine]

Me! I’m a gay homoromantic from Scotland! I’m just coming to terms with my asexuality.

Edited February 24, 2021 by s.catharine

[s.catharine]

On 2/17/2021 at 8:51 PM, Carsonspire said:

I'd be curious who here has struggled much with internalized homophobia and how you have dealt with it?

I come from a homophobic family, very unfortunate given that I am a lesbian/homoromantic, call me whatever! This is going to sound horrendous and I profusely apologise, I still catch myself awkwardly laughing at their horrible comments, which are mainly towards gender pronouns, transgender, homosexuals etc. I do this to, I guess “fit in” with them. But the weird thing is that I know that my mother knows. Heck she caught me in bed with a girl (only hugging while sleeping), she was my...”friend”. She was also logged into my Facebook while I was in a relationship with said girl. Another reason that I know that she knows is That it was brought up to me 2/3 years later after we’d broken up, by my cousin (yes homophobic too), who asked me what my “phase” was like, basically telling me that my relationship with this girl was a phase. You know what I did? I agreed with her. Why? God I don’t know, I was 18, I was/still am a people pleaser, I guess you could go as far as to say I’m embarrassed for them to know. I know the types of comments and looks I would get. I find myself resenting my family more and more, with each comment, heck with each passing day! It’s toxic, so yes I would say I have struggled with internalised homophobia. On the odd day/week/month (more infrequent thankfully) I still catch myself hating me, hating whoever is up there for not making me straight as I would have had an easier life (in terms of family). But  more and more, I find myself loving who I actually am and slowly, but surely, pushing these negative, toxic people out of my life.

I hope that answered your question. I left some out as it wouldn’t be appropriate, sorry.

[Phoebe Gold]

Hey! Okay so I believe I’m a bi-lithromantic ace and I’m still learning to accept myself and I haven’t told anyone how I feel so HEYYY you guys are basically the first to know. Right now I’m into a lesbian (and she’s also my friend) and it’s REALLY difficult for me because I want to tell her how I feel or show her that I care, but I’m worried I’ll hurt her if we ended up in a relationship and I wouldn’t want to lose a friend... should I just... give up? Or keep liking her like my normal lithromantic self and even though I want to be in a relationship, know it’s for the best that I keep my thoughts to myself and not tell her anything at all? I feel like I know what’s best, but it just hurts and sometimes I just wish I could give her a hug and kiss on the cheek (or lips, but thats a little... a lot for me right now) as a friend and nothing would be weird about it. 

[Phoebe Gold]

On 2/17/2021 at 12:51 PM, Carsonspire said:

I'd be curious who here has struggled much with internalized homophobia and how you have dealt with it?

I believe I have. I remember in seventh grade, I had this one gal friend and I remember I just loved to text her and see her and I thought she was the most beautiful person and I wanted to always look at her but I told myself not to too much or else I would be staring. And I wanted to be close to her. I knew I saw her as someone special... someone I would’ve liked to be more than friends with... at least I think so. I think I had feelings for her. And that’s where my internalized homophobia comes in. I tried so hard to push these feelings away, I convinced myself it was just deep admiration for a friend, for another girl... I remember asking my mom about it. I didn’t want to tell her about how I was actually feeling about this girl because I felt she’d be uncomfortable, so I asked “Is it okay for a girl to find another girl good-looking?” Or something along the lines of that, which hardly pinpointed what I actually wanted to say. I remember she said it was okay to find another girl beautiful and you’re not homosexual because of that... so then i told myself to believe that instead of facing the fact that I saw her just like I’d see a guy (by the way, I’m bi). Now I’m a senior in high school and this is the first year I’ve accepted myself for liking girls too. I’ve liked other girls beside the said one in seventh grade, but all of them, I told myself to forget about it because it was just deep admiration and nothing would happen anyway. The more i lessened my internalized homophobia, the more i learned to accept myself... and I’m still learning to accept myself. If I catch myself thinking “Just try to fall for a guy instead”, I try to remind myself also that we can’t really chose who we are attracted to... it just sorta happens. If you like a girl, then you like her, it’s just something you gotta accept because once you have those sorts of feelings, it’s difficult to get rid of them overnight (especially if you see that person every single day)

[crazy ace]

On 2/17/2021 at 8:51 PM, Carsonspire said:

I'd be curious who here has struggled much with internalized homophobia and how you have dealt with it?

Mate, I'm still emotionally traumatized from 5 years ago, when I was living in an extremely homophobic environment. I call myself slurs everyday. I've internalized that stuff pretty deeply, I suppose.

[maybeimamazed]

For the last two weeks or so I've been wondering if maybe I'm (gray)homoromantic instead of aromantic.

 

My journey has been so messed up. Until 2014 I thought I was just a good ol' heterosexual (nothing wrong with that). Then I realized I was 22 years-old and had yet to be in a relationship, let alone have sex. A friend of mine mentioned the term 'aromantic' and I latched on to it for dear life, because I felt like it described me so well. The idea of a romantic relationship seemed exhausting and cheesy lovey-dovey stuff has always made me feel indifferent or mildy repulsed.

 

I still experienced aesthetic attraction to people of all genders, so I felt like I couldn't be asexual. I was wrong, of course. At that point I identified as bisexual aromantic, until I found out that sexual attraction was something completely different lol.

 

I adopted the aroace label in 2018.

 

So why do I think I could be homoromantic (albeit arospec) rather than aromantic, you ask? Well, because it's very clear in my mind that a romantic relationship with a man is a big NO. I'm actually repulsed by the idea. But I could see myself living with a woman, if there's not too much cuddling and codependence. That's what displeases me the most about romantic relationship: couples don't seem to be able to do anything separately.

 

I also think women are generally way better looking than men, but I thought that was common sense? lol

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I dream about having a lesbian relationship pretty strongly sometimes. Even though I consider myself bi, there's just something really special and meaningful for me in being with a woman.
I don't think it makes sense to consider myself a lesbian, since I could be ok with a guy or anyone so long as I love them, but somehow.. somewhere in me, there's a lesbian woman XD. I don't know if that makes sense.