Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!

[Acetheist]

Hi @nonagesimus ! You can absolutely be asexual and be able to get turned on/masturbate. From what you've posted, it sounds like you experience aesthetic and/or sensual attraction (especially to women) and that you may be sex-adverse and are possibly homoromantic. If the link is still live, this survey gave me a good idea of things to look into and clarified what I was experiencing myself.

 

[Dreamsofemerald]

Just gonna bump this thread.  after ANOTHER failed relationship with an allo female who just couldn’t understand though I wasn’t ‘against sex’ I just didn’t desire it very much and who still took that I didn’t ‘initiate’ it personally and used it as a personal attack against me, I am just so done with allosexuals. Especially the emotionally abusive ones which I seem to pick.

i want the romance. I want to feel cherished and hugged and be kissed and held I just don’t want to have to basically be told I have to have or to initiate sex to validate my relationship. Like damn I compromised, but it wasn’t enough. 
Seriously why can’t I just find someone in this country of the same gender who is ok with the asexual thing!?? But also wants the romance thing? I’m just so done.

 

sorry, rant over. I don’t want to be alone. I’m just feeling like I’ll never find anyone. 

[DarkStormyKnight]

On 2/11/2020 at 10:26 AM, Dreamsofemerald said:

Just gonna bump this thread.  after ANOTHER failed relationship with an allo female who just couldn’t understand though I wasn’t ‘against sex’ I just didn’t desire it very much and who still took that I didn’t ‘initiate’ it personally and used it as a personal attack against me, I am just so done with allosexuals. Especially the emotionally abusive ones which I seem to pick.

i want the romance. I want to feel cherished and hugged and be kissed and held I just don’t want to have to basically be told I have to have or to initiate sex to validate my relationship. Like damn I compromised, but it wasn’t enough. 
Seriously why can’t I just find someone in this country of the same gender who is ok with the asexual thing!?? But also wants the romance thing? I’m just so done.

 

sorry, rant over. I don’t want to be alone. I’m just feeling like I’ll never find anyone. 

I'm so sorry, that sounds horrible. *hugs if you're ok with that* Yeah I had a similar relationship with an allo female, so I relate to this all a lot. It's so hard to make ace/allo relationships work in general, and seems doubly hard if it's queer as well. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat!

[Ariggie]

It's very hard to find someone of the same sex who is not interested in sex unless that person is just a friend.  I think I'd be fine living the rest of my life with just having a bunch of friends, but I would like an opportunity to know if I'm capable of a committed relationship.  I know my happiest moments are when I have a live-in BFF, but now that I'm in my 40's, that relationship doesn't exist.  Even if I found someone on the same page as me (homoromantic asexual), that doesn't mean that particular person will be the right fit.  Heterosexuals have a hard enough time finding the right person and they are all over the place.  I don't think I'll ever know.  I sometimes wish I could deal with the sex part, but as soon as kissing is involved, I want out of the relationship and feel free and happier alone.  Too bad all of us who feel this way in this forum couldn't create some separate social media page to get to know each other.

[uniQChick]

On 2/15/2020 at 10:25 AM, Ariggie said:

...but as soon as kissing is involved, I want out of the relationship and feel free and happier alone.  Too bad all of us who feel this way in this forum couldn't create some separate social media page to get to know each other.

Not everyone in this thread against kisses.  Kissing body of your loved one is sooo exciting! 

[Guzmania]

I used to identify as biromantic for the longest time, but recently I've come to the realization that the feelings I've had towards men are non-existent compared to the way I feel about women/feminine-leaning people. I've started adopting the lesbian label as recently as two months ago. It's scary, but exciting and uplifting at the same time to come to terms with my true self!

[kiaroskuro]

1 hour ago, Guzmania said:

I used to identify as biromantic for the longest time, but recently I've come to the realization that the feelings I've had towards men are non-existent compared to the way I feel about women/feminine-leaning people. I've started adopting the lesbian label as recently as two months ago. It's scary, but exciting and uplifting at the same time to come to terms with my true self!

Hey, it's nice (and rare) to see someone on AVEN whose background resembles mine. As for coming to terms with one's true self: I feel the exact same way about it. Thanks for sharing your story! I feel a little less alone/weird right now.

[Guzmania]

52 minutes ago, kiaroskuro said:

Hey, it's nice (and rare) to see someone on AVEN whose background resembles mine. As for coming to terms with one's true self: I feel the exact same way about it. Thanks for sharing your story! I feel a little less alone/weird right now.

I can sure understand that feeling. Likewise: I'm glad to see someone else like me! I'm happy to hear that what I said helped you a little! 😄

[the dark knight]

howdy! I've recently come to the realization that I'm homoromantic. I've been trying to think of what to type for awhile but honestly I just want my presence to be known (I hope this isn't obnoxious ) I really want to date a girl but I'm kinda scared they'll reject me because I'm Ace, also I'm bad at talking to people which doesn't help. Life is hard, I hope everyone has a lovely day filled with cake  ,and other pleasant things.

[Dingledoodie]

On 2/11/2020 at 3:26 PM, Dreamsofemerald said:

Just gonna bump this thread.  after ANOTHER failed relationship with an allo female who just couldn’t understand though I wasn’t ‘against sex’ I just didn’t desire it very much and who still took that I didn’t ‘initiate’ it personally and used it as a personal attack against me, I am just so done with allosexuals. Especially the emotionally abusive ones which I seem to pick.

i want the romance. I want to feel cherished and hugged and be kissed and held I just don’t want to have to basically be told I have to have or to initiate sex to validate my relationship. Like damn I compromised, but it wasn’t enough. 
Seriously why can’t I just find someone in this country of the same gender who is ok with the asexual thing!?? But also wants the romance thing? I’m just so done.

 

sorry, rant over. I don’t want to be alone. I’m just feeling like I’ll never find anyone. 

I so get where you're at.  I'm older so have been through it so much that I've just given up.  The gay pool is small enough, it shrinks even further if you add asexuality into the mix.  I loved my two of exes profoundly and deeply but it just wasn't enough for them.  It's heartbreaking.

[Guzmania]

@Dingledoodie I'm sorry that your exes treated you that way, you deserved better. I haven't dated yet and I'm highly insecure about how my orientation will make me more undesirable. It's so frustrating. My mutual love and affection should be enough. I should be enough. Sex isn't a requirement. It all just feels so unfair and daunting to me sometimes, it can be overwhelming. I just have to remember how I'm not the only one.

[Dingledoodie]

17 hours ago, Guzmania said:

@Dingledoodie I'm sorry that your exes treated you that way, you deserved better. I haven't dated yet and I'm highly insecure about how my orientation will make me more undesirable. It's so frustrating. My mutual love and affection should be enough. I should be enough. Sex isn't a requirement. It all just feels so unfair and daunting to me sometimes, it can be overwhelming. I just have to remember how I'm not the only one.

Yeah, and, I presume that you're still young enough to connect and engage with the right community and get involved with people just like you.  I just thought I was 'broken'.  And my relationships were with sexual women, so... doomed from the outset, I suppose.  I did start out my relationships by saying that I had a VERY low libido (that was the only language I had at that point) and they'd say they were fine with that, but as time went on, and my very low libido dwindled to no libido, they weren't fine with it at all, so...

 

Anyway, I'm sure, just by the fact that you're here on AVEN and that you have it as a resource, that your future will be much much brighter. 😊 

 

[SurrealBagel4002]

I'm a homoromantic asexual but I'm scared to date because there's not a lot of wlw out there and I'm also afraid that if I do find a girl, she'll be mad at me for being ace and not wanting sex. 

[uniQChick]

@SurrealBagel4002  Why would she be mad at you if you аre honest with her from the start? Don't wait for her to fall in love with you. Honesty is a key component of a healthy relationship.

[gymgirl]

Happily married asexual lesbian couple here.

I have known very early that I abhor sexuality in any form or shape. Some time later, in our mid-teens, we met and fell in love. My wife knew already then that she is interested in females only but it was only theoretical, neither of us had had any relationships, let alone sexual experience. She is not as much against sex as me (I am an extremist), but disinterested enough to forego said experiences completely (absolute, total abstinence) and permanently as well in order to spend her life with me. Some years ago we were able to marry, but it has always been "til death us part in this world" for us, and our love has never waned.

We consider ourselves as lesbians, and while we do not tell it around, we do not make a secret of it either. That we do not have a sex life of any sort is our choice and nobody's business, we are still lesbians.

[magazine-smiles]

I just mutually parted from my girlfriend a few days ago and it was because of my asexuality. Being with a very sexual person that you adore is hard. The sad part is, I tried to push this part of me down just to make her happy, but ended up completely draining myself (physically, mentally, emotionally) and becoming unhappy in the process. I have to be honest with myself about who I am and what I want (or don't heh.) Moving forward it has to be all about my own happiness, and what I'm comfortable with. If I happen to find someone who has the same needs and ideals that I do, then that will be a very welcome change. It's difficult to even discuss any of this with friends because they react like I have 3 heads. 😔

[NorthCircleTraveller]

How do you deal with internalized homophobia? I feel like being asexual complicates things a little bit, because you need to consider both aspects of the identity and they sometimes collide.

[magazine-smiles]

On 5/21/2020 at 12:11 AM, NorthCircleTraveller said:

How do you deal with internalized homophobia? I feel like being asexual complicates things a little bit, because you need to consider both aspects of the identity and they sometimes collide.

Valid question and I wish I could give you a helpful answer. 😔I It's odd because for me, I've never had internalized homophobia but on the flip side, struggled mightily with my asexuality. I feel like I have to shout I LOVE WOMEN AND EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM, but that my gayness is somehow completely negated by the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to women, nor do I want to have sex. I'd imagine there are plenty of others who feel the same way you do. It's a difficult thing to balance.

[crazy ace]

On 5/21/2020 at 5:11 AM, NorthCircleTraveller said:

How do you deal with internalized homophobia? I feel like being asexual complicates things a little bit, because you need to consider both aspects of the identity and they sometimes collide.

 

On 5/31/2020 at 12:22 AM, magazine-smiles said:

Valid question and I wish I could give you a helpful answer. 😔I It's odd because for me, I've never had internalized homophobia but on the flip side, struggled mightily with my asexuality. I feel like I have to shout I LOVE WOMEN AND EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM, but that my gayness is somehow completely negated by the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to women, nor do I want to have sex. I'd imagine there are plenty of others who feel the same way you do. It's a difficult thing to balance.

Holy sh*t I can relate to both of these so much. In response to the first question, I'll often vent to a trusted close friend, although I'm often very scared to do so.

[crazy ace]

The great thing about the quarantine is that I have an excuse not to deal with homophobic BS anymore.

[caffeine]

On 5/31/2020 at 3:22 AM, magazine-smiles said:

Valid question and I wish I could give you a helpful answer. 😔I It's odd because for me, I've never had internalized homophobia but on the flip side, struggled mightily with my asexuality. I feel like I have to shout I LOVE WOMEN AND EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM, but that my gayness is somehow completely negated by the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to women, nor do I want to have sex. I'd imagine there are plenty of others who feel the same way you do. It's a difficult thing to balance.

oof do I feel that one... the first time I tried a therapist I specifically searched for someone who was comfortable with LGBTQ+ issues, thinking that they'd have a better grasp (or at least some) of this exact conundrum. the main thing that we ended up discovering was that they were *really* surprised that I have 0 internalised  homophobia because apparently that's the main issue folks from the community here go to them. and the asexuality issue  and the conflict that comes with it went almost unnoticed.  

[Rekkr]

K

Edited June 22, 2020 by Rekkr

[Caryne]

I’ve never been one for labels but now I find myself trying to decide if I’m an Asexual Lesbian or a Denisexual lesbian. I’m trying to find structure for my logical mind. I guess it’s possible to be fluid and move from one to the other, depending on who you’re you with, or where you find yourself...  what do you think?

[ChiRaven324]

So I've been more or less out as a lesbian for about 7 years now? I don't remember the day or year exactly and there's more to it, but I was a pretty sheltered kid and didn't even know that being asexual was a thing for a long time. Recently my friend mentioned to me asking if I was asexual because a mutual friend is and I'm like....am I? I've been reading more into it the past few weeks and I don't know if this is the place to really ask or talk about it, and I also don't know what the point of figuring out if I am is other than I guess peace of mind for myself? But it is really comforting to know that I am not alone. Coming out as gay or lesbian or bi or anything else is a big thing or can be, and it's a little isolating. Or it feels that way to me, especially when with family who asks when you're getting married or who don't understand, and now it's like yeah I've turned 30, not interested in getting married but why? As a question people ask me and also I ask myself, it's enlightening to know that it's not because I'm 'weird' or something is wrong with me or that I'll eventually want to 'be like everyone else. If anyone else ever wants to talk about things or is in the same spot as me, I would gladly talk with you. Hope this isn't too rant-y or misplaced. Thanks for listening. 

[uniQChick]

 

On 6/16/2020 at 7:50 AM, Caryne said:

We hadn’t had sex in over a decade...

Seems like an asexual to me.

[Caryne]

I've been browsing on the forum and I notice that some of the threads are really old.  I guess the moderators don't archive any of the threads so it's easier to follow where recent conversations are taking place?

[crazy ace]

@Caryne WDYM?

[Rynn]

19 hours ago, Caryne said:

I guess the moderators don't archive any of the threads so it's easier to follow where recent conversations are taking place?

We do archive threads. Threads that have been inactive for years (I'm almost positive the cut-off point is 2 years, can check if you want to know precise details) get archived automatically without mod intervention. In addition, some threads that get revived after they've been inactive for over six months get locked by moderators. Whether or not we decide to lock depends on a number of factors, for example how personal the thread is, because the op may not want that information to float back to the top of a forum long after they've moved on. The decision whether to lock is ultimately up to the mod of that specific subforum (hey hi hello, here that's me  ).

 

There are a number of pinned threads that have continuously stayed active for years on end, and those don't get locked or archived. The asexy lesbian thread is one of those. Homoromantic aces is another one, as is the aromantic thread. These sometimes serve as a place for regulars on a subforum to stay in touch. If you only want to see threads that were started more recently, skip the pinned threads at the top.

[Caryne]

41 minutes ago, Laurann said:

We do archive threads. Threads that have been inactive for years (I'm almost positive the cut-off point is 2 years, can check if you want to know precise details) get archived automatically without mod intervention. In addition, some threads that get revived after they've been inactive for over six months get locked by moderators. Whether or not we decide to lock depends on a number of factors, for example how personal the thread is, because the op may not want that information to float back to the top of a forum long after they've moved on. The decision whether to lock is ultimately up to the mod of that specific subforum (hey hi hello, here that's me  ).

 

There are a number of pinned threads that have continuously stayed active for years on end, and those don't get locked or archived. The asexy lesbian thread is one of those. Homoromantic aces is another one, as is the aromantic thread. These sometimes serve as a place for regulars on a subforum to stay in touch. If you only want to see threads that were started more recently, skip the pinned threads at the top.

Thanks for the info!

[Caryne]

Happy weekend everyone!

Any exciting plans?

 

My guild war is starting soon for Heroes of Dragon Age so I’m going to have to gallantly deliver my battle banners!